Thursday, December 2, 2010

I Have Nothing Left To Suck

Smuff (smuf)
v. smuffed, smuff-ing, smuffs

verb, transitive
1. To inadvertantly reward an ignorant piece of trash and a waste of human flesh by refusing to kick them in the ovaries and choosing to instead gently put out their flames with a bout of rah-tarded tender loving care.

1. The act of smuffing.
2. Something uneducated teachers say.

Smuff out my torch Jeff because I'm an ugly ungrateful whore who wasted everyone's time, stole someone else's spot, and embarrassed my family, community and students beyond redemption on national television.

Let's recap, shall we?
Warning: Very heavily laced with profanity today. That's what happens when I get pissed off.

The prepubescent Asian boy in desperate need of a lesson in humility is gone and Insignificant Kelly is confused. Surprise, surprise. The girl who hasn't spoken two words in 28 days, the idiot who can't string a sentence together to form a complete thought is confused. "Brenda leaving the game like completely screwed me over... I was like completely left in the dark... I'm like completely an annoying sack of shit right now who's going to sit on this rock and cry because I no longer have anyone to completely carry me through this like game.", she said. Mowgli (Brenda) being ejected from the game has brought Insignificant Kelly's world crashing all around her and now she's all like tormented and impotent about it. Her french braids are crooked, her bubble gum is all sandy, and there are like no malls in Nicaragua! *stabs self in ear with a rusty fireplace poker* Forever 21 is having a sale and she's like going to like miss it!

The next morning a new day tries to begin but the sun just can't be bothered to rise. All that whining and complaining from Insignificant Kelly the night before made it hit the snooze button and go back to sleep. No one wants to listen to that crap - not even a vital astronomical orb that makes life on Earth possible. Instead, an ominous and foreboding storm of sideways Forrest Gump rain and droopy gray clouds came rolling in and turned the dirt into mud, the pond into a river, and Nanook (NaOnka) into SadTonka. If you reach back into the cavernous recesses of your mind, you'll remember that Nanook not only suffers from complete and utter unlikability, but also has Multiple Personality Disorder. There's Nanook - the disgusting piece of filth who likes to steal food and talk trash, there's LaLooney - the charming Southern Belle who volunteers at the local soup kitchen on weekends and celebrates life with smiles and hugs, and there's SadTonka - the suicidal manic depressive who likes to cry when it rains. We're not exactly sure if the personalities know about one another, but one thing we do know is that inclement weather is a definite trigger. Eve (The Three Faces Of Eve) was triggered by anxiety, Sybil was triggered by fear, and Nanook is triggered by a low pressure weather system. Go figure.

So all the tribe members are pretty much miserable, but they endure. They sit huddled together in their rickety old shelter and they wait patiently for the rains to pass them by. Some sit and stare at the active horizon while others marvel at the strength of the now raging river that was once their cute little pond. One lone Survivor, however, decides to take a different approach. SadTonka wraps herself in a burlap sack and begins to cry. Those dark clouds in the distance are the dark clouds invading the inside of her brain. She's out of Zoloft, the noose she tried to make scratched up her poor hands, there's not an exhaust pipe within 50 miles that she wrap her lips around, and someone (Nanook!) may or may not have buried the machetes again. Bitch is in the bell jar and, to make matters worse, it's contagious!

Insignificant Kelly sits next to SadTonka and in an all too convenient camera moment, she laments that she doesn't know how much more she can take. Give me a fucking break. SadTonka is sitting there reciting Sylvia Plath poems and hoping a Sandinista left a gun with a bullet in it behind in the jungle somewhere while Insignificant Kelly simply wants a fluffy pillow and a stuffed teddy bear to snuggle. She could be making name tags for sorority recruits with puffy pens and chocolate sprinkles, but instead she's out in the jungle more than 2/3 rd's of the way done on her way to winning a million dollars. O me, O life! O fuck off and die. Seriously, thousands of people vie year after year trying to get a spot on the greatest reality show of all time and there sits Princess Poppycock sad she doesn't have enough marshmallows in her hot cocoa. It's disgusting. Look, Survivor is hell. We know this. Everyone knows this! It's been 21 seasons of people starving, falling into fires, getting eaten alive by sand fleas, and suffering from hideous skin and intestinal infections. Survivor brings the most strapping of men to their knees while turning the women into Pro-Ana poster children so when a little rain comes into the picture and Shirley Temple sits there sucking her thumb because her H&M gift card is about to expire, you better believe I'm going to get pissed off about it. Survivor is an institution. It's a beacon of high standards to which all other reality shows should be compared to. It is not some little show you go on and then one day decide to quit because you wake up with a case of the sads. This shit Insignificant Kelly is pulling is like someone joining the Navy Seals and being shocked there's no cookie drive or badges to earn. It's ree-dick-you-luss! Ugh!

At home I was hurling my beautiful new Christmas ornaments at the screen and punching holes into walls out of frustration while on the television a voice of reason finally emerged and began to calm me down. It was Crazy Pants (Holly). In an unprecedented WTF moment, Crazy Pants holds an empowerment seminar beneath the leaky tarp of the tiny shack and in a matter of two minutes the once cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs student surpassed the wise all-knowing teacher. Life Coach Clam Shell has done his job. He was there to teach, inspire, motivate, and pull a midwestern housewife out of her slump. Not only did he do that, but he created Antonia Robbins. Mark my words: Crazy Pants will be living on an island in Fiji, selling DVD's in late night infomercials, and traveling regularly to Singapore charging tens of thousands of dollars teaching people how to unleash their power. I shit you not. We had Insignificant Kelly sad she couldn't look through her sticker collection, SadTonka trying to slice her wrists open with a twig, and there, above it all, was Crazy Pants telling everyone that they'll be stronger people in life for having gone through this experience. The majesty of the moment brought a tear to the eye of one very proud bivalve. *sniffles* Poetry.

While Crazy Pants was demonstrating with flow charts and graphs how to achieve healthy self-esteem, Loverboy (Benry) and Jughead (Jud) slinked away into the trees to have a heart to heart. They're thrilled that Nanook and Insignificant Kelly want to quit. It brings them two steps closer to the million and they've got zero problem with that. Let those stupid bitches quit. They're annoying anyways. More rice for the boys!

Conversely, Rainbow Brite (Chase) gathers up his skirts, takes advantage of the brief break in the storm, and drags SadTonka out of the shelter to find out exactly how badly she wants to Anne Sexton herself. The only problem (for us) is that SadTonka has left the building. You see, it's sunny again. Now, I expected SadTonka to disappear, but what I didn't expect was for LaLooney to choose this specific moment in time to reappear. *sigh* To make matters worse, LaLooney is feeling uber generous today. She begins by talking about her heart and how it's just not in the game anymore and before we can all blink our eyes and realize what's happening, LaLooney gives her Immunity Idol to Rainbow Brite. Wha... wha... what?!? Rainbow Brite?! Really? Of all the people left in the game, she gives the damn Idol to the one guy she calls "Scatterbrain"? *shakes head* Had Nanook not been taken over by LaLooney in that moment, she probably would have given her Idol to Crazy Pants. She calls Crazy Pants "Mama" for crying out loud! Instead she gives it the guy she spent an entire episode bitching about. I don't get it. I really don't get it. I went down to my laboratory mixing beakers and writing all sorts of fascinating backwards and upside down letters in my black and white marble journal and I still can't figure out why in the hell LaLooney gave that Idol to Rainbow Brite. It makes no sense!

Speaking of making no sense, we now arrive at the Reward Challenge. Oh excuse me, the movie sponsored Reward Challenge. The scene opens with what I thought were two dead bodies strapped to tables. I was hoping for some sort of autopsy themed challenge with the Survivors flinging innards at one another or something like that, but noooo I never get my way. What I thought were dead bodies were actually dummies of Gulliver (which Dimples pronounced as Glulllliver) from the new soon-to-not-be-a-hit-film Gulliver's Travels starring Jack Black. Survivors will be divided into two teams and tethered together. They will have to, as a team, untie Glullliver and carry him through an obstacle course. First team to reach the end will be taken to the Survivor Cinema for a showing of Gulliver's Travels complete with popcorn, candy, hot dogs, and nachos. The Yellow Team is Jughead, Norma (Sash), Jungle Jane, and Insignificant Kelly. The Blue Team is Crazy Pants, Nanook, Loverboy, and Rainbow Brite. Mafia Dan was conveniently not chosen so he gets to sit in a giant chair and rewrap his limbs with more scotch tape while cheering on the Blue Team. If the Blue Team wins, he gets to join them on Reward. Survivors ready, go!

Teams get to work on untying Glullliver and Insignificant Kelly immediately begins whining. She's retying knots Jughead has already untied and being an all around asshole. Somehow the Yellow Team manages to release their Glullliver first and they approach the giant wall they have to carry Glullliver over. Insignificant Kelly gets kicked in the head by Glullliver's foot and out of annoyance her team starts yelling at her. The Blue Team manages to sneak ahead as they make their way through a rope maze. The final obstacle is a long tunnel of ropes that Glullliver has to come out the other end of. It was creepy and reminded me of a birth canal. Seriously, when his head eeked out the end of the tunnel, my uterus clenched. Jungle Jane was uncharacteristically slacking and Kelly got stuck mid contraction so BLUE TEAM WINS REWARD!!!

And now we arrive at what I like to call "Fuckery time". Dimples is all excited telling the Blue Team how they'll get to see this great new movie and eat candy and get popcorn stuck in their teeth and all that when Nanook raises her hand and requests to speak. She says something to the effect of, "I gave this game 110%. I'm a sucky lying hypocrite. I played the best game I know how. The voices inside my head are confusing me. My body has no more left to give. This will be last day. I wanted to go out in a miserable display of selfishness." Dimples cocks his head to the side and says, "So, you're quitting?" Nanook mumbles yes and Dimples is unthrilled. His mouth gets tight, his lips get thin, and that normal sparkle in his eye is extinguished in a nano-second. *shivers* Dimples without his sparkle is scary. It's sacrilegious, barbaric, and, quite frankly, unbecoming. It's like Andy Cohen without his lazy eye or Tinkerbell without her wings. Then, probably out of sarcasm and pure disgust, Dimples snidely asks if anyone else wants to quit. "Peep" goes the pathetic baby bird and Insignificant Kelly moans that her body just can't take it anymore. She's exhausted and mentally she just can't take it. Let's rewind and analyze that last line. Mentally she just can't take it... hmm ok. Mentally, Insignificant Kelly is a shoe horn. She's a carpet fiber, a ripped garbage bag, a used up dryer sheet. Mentally, Insignificant Kelly is INSIGNIFICANT! She's useless. She's unentertaining. She, herself, acknowledged that "Oh isn't it funny I don't talk? Tee hee hee." No bitch, it's not funny! It's bloody boring! I can't believe I had to do a blog post about you! No one even knew you were on the damn show until last week! Why do you exist?! Your skin could have been used to create an engineer or a scientist or a great artist or an inspirational writer. Instead it was wasted on YOU. Vapid, useless, boring YOU. God, I hate you. *tears a chunk of hair out of head*

Dimples is floored. He can't understand what's happening. This is Survivor. You don't quit Survivor! There's no crying in baseball and there's no quitting in Survivor. It's like a law or something. Survivor is Probst's castle (he's a producer now you know) and how dare these little fucktards shit all over it?! It's not that Nanook and Kelly would be out of the game that's bothersome. It's their complete and utter disregard for the sanctity of the game that's completely abhorrent. It's an abomination really. You know it, I know it, and Dimples knows it. And, that's why Dimples refuses to let them quit right then and there. He insists they wait out the day and then decide.

Before Dimples can head back to his hut and pour himself a nice tall glass of Scotch, he offers someone on the Blue Team a chance to opt out of the Reward in exchange for rice and a tarp for the entire tribe. Loverboy leans over and whispers to Nanook, "It should be you... it should be you... you're quitting anyways... you should do it." Now, some might wonder why Mafia Dan didn't back out since he didn't even compete. Well chickadees, I'm rewatching the episode right now and Dimples didn't make the offer to Dan. He specifically offered it to Crazy Pants, Rainbow Brite, Loverboy, and Nanook. Dimples continues and says, "This is a hero move... or a heroine move." Nanook just sits there with all eyes on her. Life Coach Clam Shell taps Crazy Pants on the shoulder and without a second thought she rises and announces, "I'll do it. I need to take care of these guys." *clam shell tear* Crazy Pants can eat a whole truck load of hot dogs when she gets home. What matters now is that these last 11 days are bearable. Loverboy starts flinging rocks at Nanook's head and whispers, "You should do it. Tell her to sit down. You're going to eat tonight! She needs to eat!" Nothing. No reaction. No guilt. Nothing. In fact, I'm pretty sure I saw Nanook turn her buff into a bib. Un-believable.

Back at Leavenworth (Libertad), the tribe is giving Crazy Pants (and the tiny mollusk in her pocket) a standing ovation. Insignificant Kelly has the nerve to thank C.P. for her selflessness. Oh shut up bitch! I don't want to hear anything out of you. Crazy Pants is slightly nicer than I am so she takes Asshole Kelly aside and asks her if she's still planning on quitting. Kelly starts to go into her big "I've had enough, my body can't take it" speech when Crazy Pants holds her hand up signaling Kelly should shut her trap. C.P. then tells Kelly what she tells her daughters. It was something about running track and winning state championships. I don't know. The gist of it was that YOU DON'T QUIT SURVIVOR! It was then that I pictured Crazy Pants daughters back home cringing as they remembered how during Junior year mom wouldn't let them go to the big dance. Instead, they had to drink protein shakes and do stadium stairs at 5 am every morning. I saw a new side to Crazy Pants in that moment. It was her "No more wiiiire hangaaaaars!!!" side. Was I the only one who could hear Joan Crawford bellowing in the distance, "Christina get out of that bed right now and clean up this mess!" ? (Name the movie I'm talking about in the comments and you're a big weiner!) So yeah, Crazy Pants told Insignificant Kelly to suck it up and Kelly replied, "I have nothing left to suck." The sound of Kelly's male fanbase multiplying was deafening in that moment.

Enter Gulliver's Travels promo sequence here. I'm too lazy to write about it.

All of this brings us up to the big moment: Tribal Council. Will the two trifling bitches quit or not? Since the promo spoiled it, Jeff Probst's twitter spoiled it, and every other entertainment magazine out there spoiled it, I think we all already know the answer. Note to Survivor producers/publicists/hosts: STOP FUCKING SPOILING MY SHOW! Thank you.

OK so the Jury enters and they're all smiles. Spike (Marty) still looks like he's been golfing instead of dancing around the Underworld, Alligator Lady Alina was pretty in pink, and Mowgli was, well, Mowgli.

Wasting no time, Dimples addresses the reason why this impromptu Tribal Council was being held. He announces how Nanook and Insignificant Kelly both want to quit the game and in that instance the sound of three jaws hitting the floor went thud, thud, thud. Three of the most crafty duplicitous players of the season were sitting on that Jury stunned. How dare anyone anywhere even think of quitting Survivor?!? Insignificant Kelly looked meek and embarrassed while Nanook (or maybe it was a new personality) was furrowing her brow and squenching up her face. It was a look I'd never seen before so I had no idea who to attribute it to.

Crazy Pants gives a nice little homage to Jimmy Johnson for helping her out when she wanted to quit on Day 5. Jungle Jane then steps up to the pulpit and begins to preach. She has drive, determination, and the will to fight. Life is no picnic unless you grew up privileged. No one is going to do you any favors unless you stand your ground and fight for yourself. *waves lighter in the air* In this economy, times are hard and being weak won't get you anywhere in life. You have to push, strive, try, and claw your way through the muck and grime to make your mark in this world. Quitters never win, cheaters never prosper, and pathetic losers never get respect. Quitting stunts your growth, sets you back. *shouts hallelujah!* There are a lot of people going through difficult times right now and only a select few in the world get the distinct privilege of playing Survivor. Survivor is a gift. It's a chocolate-covered, rolled in macademia nuts, and sprinkled with diamond dust gift. I don't know about you, but I never throw away a piece of chocolate.

Nanook sits through all the inspirational comments everyone is making, says she's happy to be the only African American player left (WRONG! Norma is still there.), says she comes from a family of strong black women (Big fat lie! A strong black woman wouldn't give up.), says she could have won the million dollars becuase of her charm (Ha! Fat chance.), and promptly quits Survivor Nicaragua.

Dear NaOnka Patricia Mixon,

You are pathetic. You are a vile, disgusting piece of diarrhea stuck in the crevices of my sneakers. Your presence in the game of Survivor Nicaragua was a joke. You are a joke. You're a petty thief with nothing to offer the world but ugly looks and mispronounced verbs. You wasted the chance of a lifetime acting repugnant in front of millions people, lying, and then crying like a bitch and quitting. All that bravado and not a thing to show for it. Typical. You will amount to nothing in life because you give up too easily and, let's face it, you're kind of a nut job. May I never see your hideous face again.

Colette Lala

Then, because she can't think for herself, Insignificant Kelly quits. I'd write Kelly a letter too, but seriously what's the point? She's an idiot. She won't understand it.

Spike drops his head in his hands, Alina starts crying, and Mowgli becomes furious. I feel your pain you guys. Damn, do I feel it! Believe me, I'd much rather have any of you bitches back in the game if it were possible. Well, maybe not Mowgli. Who am I kidding here? Let's just pretend she never existed. But Spike or Alina... any day of the week, any second of the day... I think we'd all take you guys back.

Dimples then asks these two wretched hosebeasts what he should do with their torches. Nanook suggests he "smuffs" them. *sigh* This woman is an educator, people - an educator! And what do you think Dimples does? He smuffs the torches, tells them they're now on the Jury, and calls it a night. No, no, NO!!!

NO, they should not be on the Jury. We can do with a Jury with of 7. We don't need 9.

NO, they should not be allowed to go to Ponderosa. They should be stripped of their buffs and shoved face first onto a cargo plane back home.

NO, they should not be allowed to sit with the coveted Jury on finale night and from here on out they should also not be allowed to attend any Survivor reunions or Reality functions. Once you quit, that's it! All your privileges have been revoked. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Just go the fuck home!

So yeah, that happened and I'm damn mad about it. What did you guys think of last night's episode? Was Insignificant Kelly just copying Nanook? Did Nanook develop a new delusional personality at Tribal? Was Alina crying out of frustration or because now she has to deal with those two chuckleheads for the next 11 days? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Please to enjoy Life At Ponderosa: