Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Number 4 Man

KellyNay, a chicken unceremoniously picked to be part of the CBS show Survivor, died at her flood and fire ravaged home yesterday in the jungles of Nicaragua. She was 11 months old. KellyNay's life may have been brief but she brought a cluckful of joy to everyone she encountered. For 99.9% of her time on Earth, KellyNay was just another anonymous nameless bird. Plucked from obscurity, she was thrust into the limelight at a very young age and quickly found herself on the fast track to stardom. Known for her sassy upbeat personality and characteristic strut, KellyNay made the elderly smile and the hearts of clam shells soar. She is survived by her mother, 7 brothers and 3 sisters. In lieu of flowers, please send hate mail to your local Chick-Fil-A. Let's recap, shall we?

Returning from the ultimate display of fuckery, the weary and exhausted tribe throw their packs haphazardly into their rickety shelter and collapse into a lump of sighs. A big ole clumpy hairy smelly pile of sighs. One lone Survivor stops to consider the great opportunity she's been given. It's a mystery to Crazy Pants (Holly) how anyone could willingly quit the game of Survivor. You and me both, girlfriend! She's stunned, mortified, angry, and probably just a teeny tiny bit jealous those Quitters are getting a hot meal and a comfy bed. Under their roof of toothpicks and matchsticks, the gaggle of boys begin to wonder what the name of their chicken is. You see, she never told them. She's mysterious like that. I think it was Loverboy (Benry) who cast his finger in the innocent fowl's direction and announced, "KellyNay be thy name!" *thunder and lightening* It was all at once funny and sad. Funny because Kelly and Nanook are the ultimate in chicken-ness and sad because how can that innocent chicken face her friends now with a horrible name like that? She'll be ostricized from the chicken community and we'll see her roaming down a lonely highway trying to cross the road with a kerchief on the end of a stick thrown sadly over her shoulder. Clearly the only way to escape her name is death, but more on that later.

As if being disgusting and worthless weren't enough, the Quitters have also put a major chink into Norma's (Sash) carefully thought out game plan. His entire alliance is gone, he hasn't really bothered to bond with any Caucasions, and the white in his beard is now competing with the brilliance of his shiny teeth. In an effort to make some fast friends, Norma decides to tell the boys that he'll play his Immunity Idol at the next Tribal Council. It'll be out of the game, he'll be a free agent, and hopefully it'll be a sign of good faith or something like that. Yeah right. Now, sitting at home I doubted the authenticity of Norma's words, but deep in the jungle only inches from his radioactive teeth skepticism might not be that easy. We all know that Norma's teeth are apparently some sort of aphrodisiac to women in the New York City area that renders ladies helpless and flat on their backs in Norma's apartment, but I maintain they're also little white beacons of death. I don't know much about chemical warfare, but if one day Norma went hiking and wandered into an Al Queda training camp, we're all done for. It's as simple as that. I know in the past I wanted to grind up Norma's teeth and sell it on the black market in Kandahar because I'm pretty sure they'd make black tar heroin blush, but the more I think about it the more I think an axis of evil lives in his molars. Norma isn't an all out villain per se, but he's definitely not a hero - that's for sure. I think his reserved demeanor and Jesus abs are what confuse me the most. It's always the quiet ones who in some way resemble a messiah who'll cut your throat and put cigarettes out on your dog in the middle of the night.

As the swing vote, Norma needs to make a decision. Does he side with the boys (Benry, Dan, Jud) or the girls (Chase, Holly, Jane)? The problem is that once he picks a side, he then becomes the "number 4 man" and thusly the least valuable. You wouldn't know that in talking to Norma though. He's ready to field offers and hear what the representatives from each alliance have to say to him. It's like in Three To Tango where the two teams of architects vie for the big job, but you know Dylan McDermott already has his mind made up. I get that vibe from Norma. He already has his mind made up and toying with the chuckleheads left is really just for sport.

So, Rainbow Brite (Chase) is the first to make an offer. "Come join the girls!", he says as he admires his new lace handkerchief. "We'll have tea parties and crumpets and I'll let you sit underneath my parasol yadda yadda yadda." Anyone else notice how creepy Rainbow Brite gets when he's trying to be persuasive? His eyes get all shifty, his ribbons wilt in the sun, and I'm not sure, but I think he might be a serial killer. There's something haunting behind his eyes and it just might be the souls of his many victims. Someone should get in touch with John Walsh. Are there any unsolved cases in the south where frilly fans and scented talcum powder were conspicuously missing from the crime scenes? Most serial killers like to keep a little memento from their victims. Everything I know in life I learned from movies and Silence Of The Lambs taught me that last little gem. Alright, so Norma entertains Rainbow Brite's offer, but wants to make sure that R.B. knows that there's no way in hell he can win against Jungle Jane and that it might be necessary vote her off sooner than later. Very slippery Norma. Slippery indeed. Rainbow Brite nods, "Yeah sure", but I don't trust him. No way he'll turn on his homegirl. Mark my words.

After an uncomfortable silence, Rainbow Brite changes the subject and brings up how fortunate Norma is to be such a loser. He's bound to get brought on some reward challenges now. Rawr! Catty to the max! I'm not sure if Norma picked up on the backhanded compliment just served him as he just smiles and nods in agreement. R.B. tells him that fer sure Norma and Crazy Pants are going on the next reward. Fer sure! I thought it was weird thing to bring up out of the blue, didn't you?

Now we arrive at the Reward Challenge and it's a doozy. Also, Dimples is wearing a fetching seafoam green safari shirt and I couldn't help but wonder to myself if Martha Stewart made a paint in that color, but I digress. This challenge is actually a combination of several challenges from the ghosts of Survivor Nicaragua past. Survivors have to race through a mud pit, dig through a pile of hay to retrieve a ball, and bounce said ball off of a shield and into a barrell. The first four people to do that get to move on to the next round. In the second round, Survivors will use a stick to retrieve a key. The key unlocks a chest that contains four sandbags. The first two people to land their sandbags on a barrell get to proceed to the final round. In the third and final round, the two left standing have to dig up three rope rings and try to toss them into position. First person to finish wins a trip to a fancy schmancy resort where food, a shower, and a real bed awaits them. As soon as I heard what the prize would be, I knew that the winner would get to choose others to join in. This should be interesting. Survivors ready, go!

All the Survivors hurl themselves into the mud and then one by one emerge looking like "Attack Of The Mud People" or something. Well, all except Mafia Dan. The second he toppled over into the mud, his knee came off, his wrist started to dangle, and the lower lumbar support of his scotch tape back brace was shot to hell. You try getting mud out of tape. Im-possible! Alright, so while Dan was left to wallow, Rainbow Brite, Loverboy, Jane, and Crazy Pants finish and move on to the next round. Survivors ready, go!

As much as I absolutely hate with every fiber of my being to admit this, Rainbow Brite kicks some major ass and blows everyone else away. He cruises through round two with Loverboy (who throws like a little girl btw) in a distant second. The final round isn't really a contest as Rainbow Brite's rope rings were all clumped together in the sand. He tosses those bitches like they were horseshoes and RAINBOW BRITE WINS REWARD!!!

Rainbow Brite's first order of business isn't to celebrate or weep salty tears of joy over his victory. No, it's to fondle and make out with Dimples! Hooray! R.B. sheepishly bats his eyelashes and asks Dimples for a hug only to be laughingly turned down. Boo! A Survivor baby is even better than the Big Brother baby I long for. Oh I suppose Amber and Rob have already provided one, but a little RainbowDimples would be much cooler.

So, of course I was right and now Rainbow Brite has to choose two people to join him on the Reward. Hearing this news, Norma beamed. Literally, he beamed! I saw all 85 of his teeth in that instance and the brilliantly beautiful brightness of the moment made just about everyone levitate a little. Rewatching the episode now, Norma even fist pumped the air a little bit. Charming! In that socially awkward way of his, Rainbow Brite picks Crazy Pants first. She was selfless last week and took one for the team so yeah, she kind of deserves it. For Norma, the excitement in the air is palpable. He gathers up his shirt and that manpurse he carries with him everywhere and prepares for Reward time. Man, it's gonna be so sweet. He can already smell the orange blossom shampoo, taste the succulent pork roast, feel the smooth crispness of the fresh white sheets against his skin... Norma starts to sidle up to take his place next to Crazy Pants when Rainbow Brite suddenly says, "I love you guys, but I feel like I have to take Jane." Doh! Oh no he di-in't! Oh yes he did. Pretty fairy princess boy with beads for brains and nail polish for blood picked Jungle Jane to join him on the Reward instead of Norma, the much sought after swing vote. Rainbow Brite actually picked his saggy skinned paramour who's gone on like 18 Rewards already instead of a guy who's ass he should be kissing. *sigh* Not too brite... not too brite at all. You better believe our boy Norma will take that back to the boardroom and put a big black check mark in the Cons column of the girls alliance.

I think Rainbow Brite's problem is that he just doesn't think. He's impulsive and makes moves based on the beating of his own heart rather than good old fashioned common sense. Not only was rebuffing Norma so publicly fucking moronic, but further flaunting his old lady alliance to the boys he also has an alliance with is just silly. Then again, why do the boys even put up with R.B.? He's not even bothering to hide the fact that his Golden Girls Alliance is the one foremost in his mind. I don't know. I don't get it. It's just so plain to me that R.B. has alliances coming out of his ass yet no one seems to target him or call him out on it. I find it very strange that Loverboy, Jughead, and Dan talk game and strategy with Rainbow Brite when his allegiance is so plainly to the menopausal crew. *shakes head* Color me confused.

After the Reward Challenge ended, the muddy and tired boys make their way back to Lasorda (Libertad). Jughead could care less that all the ladies are gone, Loverboy is psyched to get more room in the shelter, and Mafia Dan was off somewhere trying to fashion a new hip out of coconut shells. The flippancy of their attitude kind of matched the flippancy in their game play. It was almost poetic, but in a Sylvia Plath Dying/Is an art like everything else/I do it exceptionally well kind of a way not an Elizabeth Barrett Browning How do I love thee?/Let me count the ways way. Maybe Norma picked up on the flippancy as well because he immediately launches into his "I'm the number 4 man" speech again and tries to get a solid deal in motion. The only problem is his wording. Instead of saying something smart like "Hey, this is a great opportunity to get out Jane. Let's all vote her out!", he says something like "Tell me your strategy and make me some offers. If I like what I hear then maybe I'll join you.". LOL Oh Norma.

Unfortunately, Norma suffers from that pesky "I'm better than you" disease that Brenda has. He has a way of looking down his nose at people that's not only condescending, but transparent. Mafia Dan may have a twig for a leg, a sea urchin for an eyeball, and leaves for fingers, but he's not stupid and he knows very well the game Norma is playing. Dan asks, "So you're saying you might still side with them?" which sends Norma into a fit stuttering and bumbling. It was in that moment that I wondered if Norma either had a latent stuttering problem from his youth that comes out when he's nervous or if he has at some point encountered a mafioso or two back in NYC. From all that stammering and backpedaling you would have thought Mafia Dan opened his jacket and flashed a gun at the poor boy. In the end, no matter how much Dan doesn't trust Norma he has no choice but to try to keep him close. They need a fourth and, like Norma said, he's "the number 4 man".

Over at the Reward Resort, Blanche, Dorothy, and Rose are nibbling on their watermelon and clinking their pina colada glasses together in celebration. Jane puts on her nasally Reward voice and the torture begins. I swear every time she goes on a Reward that voice of hers scrapes down the inside of my brain like nails on a chalkboard. I'm not one of those people prone to headaches, but that voice... my god, that voice!... has me wandering the streets searching for Imitrex dealers. Cackling, shrieking, annoying voices are my own personal Kryptonite. They render me weak and powerless and could probably send me into a seizure if I let them linger long enough. Do you know I've never seen an episode of The Nanny or Everybody Loves Raymond? Voices like Fran Drescher's or Ray Romano's could kill someone like me. Death by Ray Romano. Horrible!

OK so finally Jane shuts her trap and goes off to take a shower. Rainbow Brite hollers for Crazy Pants and tells her to come join him for a little pow-wow. He tells, not asks. Rainbow Brite then confides that he thinks he screwed up by choosing Jane. Crazy Pants is like, "No shit!". Then R.B. turns to her and says, "Well, you should have whispered to me or something." *bites fist* Seriously? That was a little hole in the armor there if you ask me. I thought it was quite telling that Rainbow Brite's first instinct over making a bad decision would be to blame a woman who had nothing to do with the decision in the first place. It's like when someone who smacks around his wife says, "Why do you make me hit you?!" I'm not saying R.B. smacks around women, but I am saying that the remark was very character revealing. It was an odd thing to say and made me like him even less... if that's possible.

Meanwhile back at Larroquette, Norma is sharpening his knives and preparing a fitting retribution for Rainbow Brite and his women. The boys have decided to kill a chicken, but not just any chicken mind you - Jane's favorite chicken - KellyNay. In one thwack of the knife, KellyNay is nothing more than a distant memory. Her lifeless body hung limp as Norma rubbed his hands together, ran his tongue over his pearly whites, and giggled in the background. It was a move worthy of Lucifer (Russell Hantz) or maybe Spike (Marty). When they chopped her feet off, they actually giggled and said, "KellyNay is no longer." *stifles laughter* It's so evil! Yet, I'm laughing... oh this show has made me a monster. *throws hands in the air* Oh well. C'est la vie.

The very next scene we get is Jane crying over KellyNay. Hold up! Back up... beep, beep, beep. How did she find out? Did she go to play fetch with KellyNay and discovered a lone feather blowing in the breeze or did the guys break the news while fighting back giggles? Did she flip out and yell at them or run off into the woods and collapse into a bush? These are things I need to know! Maybe someone who was there can tell me how it all went down. I'll look into it because I sure as hell am not satisfied with just seeing Jane weep on the beach over her lost chicken and making a memorial out of hermit crab shells. Although I did kind of love when Jane said they didn't have to eat KellyNay because they had enough rice. Oh bitch, shut up! You were off getting a message and stuffing your face for the upteenth time! How dare you decide what's enough food for someone? You know, I was almost sympathetic over KellyNay, but not anymore. When you think about it, Jane's pretty selfish, right? I mean, she caught that fish and didn't share it with anyone and now here she is thinking everyone else should be satisfied with just rice while she was off feasting on god knows what. Selfish, selfish, selfish! Die chicken die! And that memorial looked like something out of the Blair Witch Project... creepy.

OK so now it's damage control time. The Golden Girls need to get Norma back on their side and they decide to tell him whatever they need to to earn his trust again. At home I was thinking, "Ahahaha! Fat chance! You screwed up losers! Norma holds grudges bitches!", but on my screen an entirely different story was unfolding. Norma was all smiles hugging and kissing the Reward people and I was like, "Huh?". I cocked my head to the side, stroked my chin, and said again, "HUH?!" Now, I'm not really a fan of Norma on the show (he has a nasty habit of siding with all the people I can't stand), but he's read this blog and gets a kick out of his nickname so I've been pretty nice to him, but Norma, baby, what are you doing?!? You can't win against Jane or Crazy Pants. Slice their throats like you did that chicken goddamit! I was hoping for a major guilt trip and instead I got kissy kissy face. Blech!

So while the love fest amongst Norma and the estrogen poppers was going on, off in another corner Loverboy was all paranoid wondering if his name was brought up out on that Reward. He crouches down on the floor, crinkles his forehead, puts on some sad puppy dog eyes, and looks to Rainbow Brite for guidance. Am I missing something here? Rainbow Brite made a huge push a few weeks ago to get Loverboy out of the game and Loverboy found out about it! Why in the world would he go to R.B. for anything at all? When did their beef not become a beef? While I was busy searching for answers and ways to understand, it turns out there was nothing to search for. Loverboy is just a pussy - plain and simple. He'll suck up to his biggest enemy and stab his best friend in the back in a split second. Rainbow Brite mentions how maybe they'll vote out Jughead and without even hesitating Loverboy says "OK". No arguments, no lobbying, no scrambling... just "OK". Wow, what a douchebag! I understand trying to stay in the game, but when you stop and break down what Loverboy is so willingly to be a part of, you realize that he'd be NUMBER FIVE in the Golden Girls alliance. He'd go from being number one or two in his own alliance to NUMBER FIVE in another alliance filled with people who can't stand him. LOL Idiot.

Out in the woods, Rainbow Brite finally gets his chance to make amends with Norma. I was looking forward to all sorts of sucking up and ass kissing, but nooo. Norma forgives him before he can even say he's sorry. Nor-ma! You know I'm annoyed when I hyphenate. Some people kick groins or punch walls, I hyphenate. It's like when your mom gives you Mexican Mom Face. It's that one look that levels you. My mom's a pro at it. I can't quite do it myself so instead I play with punctuation and stir my gin all mad-like. So Rainbow Brite is forgiven and Norma tries to seal a final 3 deal by getting R.B. to swear on his dead father. *silence* Oy. Ummm yeah so... awk-ward! *fidgets* Here's where it gets interesting: Rainbow Brite refuses to swear on his dad. On the one hand, I get it, but at the same time I have to wonder why not? He's fine swearing on his mom... and she's alive! Yes, it was weird and kinda creepy for Norma to even suggest the dead dad thing, but if R.B. is telling the truth, then why not just swear on your dad? Before I get comments calling me heartless, I lost my father not too long ago and if I had nothing to hide and was telling the truth, I'd swear on him. Actually, knowing my dad, he'd probably be fine with me swearing on him if I was lying. For a million dollars, he'd be like, "Swear! Swear!" The whole swearing on people thing is weird anyways. They do that shit all the time on Big Brother and I never understand it. It doesn't mean anything. A lightening bolt isn't going to shoot out the sky and strike you down if you're lying. It's just silly words. All that matters is what's in your heart which, in Rainbow Brites case, is marshamallows, Jujube's, and dangly earrings.

It's taking me forever to write this today so I'm going to do a little fast forwarding through the Immunity Challenge. It was a complicated challenge with people tangled in ropes (like that one BB12 endurance challenge) and a puzzle. The noteworthy part was at the end when Norma, Loverboy, and Jughead were trying to solve the puzzle. Loverboy took one look at it and wanted to give up, Jughead cheated off of Norma and told Jane to shut up, and Norma blew them all away so... NORMA WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Norma winning really doesn't effect the vote at all. He already has the Immunity Idol so that was kind of anticlimactic. Norma's reaction to it all, however, was not. He says he's a triple threat now, controls the entire game, and hasn't bothered been given his all thus far. Nor-ma! *sigh* Let's amuse Norma for a second here - let's say he's right and he does control the entire game... why in the land of fuckdom would you not take this opportunity to get Jane out?!? Now is the time to clean house and start making some power moves. Jane would be the perfect power move. Furthermore, it would be in Norma's best interest not to break up the boy's alliance right now and start making plans to take someone like Mafia Dan to the end with him. I mean, come on! No way Dan is winning this game. You take him to the end, you've already got a 50% chance of winning.

Instead of anyone taking my genius ideas and putting them to good use, the plan is to now get rid of Jughead. Sure, Jughead is a threat, but but but I still maintain that keeping the boys in power is a better move for Norma right now. It blows me away that Operation Get Rid Of Jane isn't on everyone's mind. Am I not as smart as I think am? Is there something I'm missing? Let me know in the comments if you think it's nuts for Norma not to try to go the finals with Dan being at least one of the people.

Jughead begins to show some signs of intuition as he suspects something might be up and he might be on the chopping block. Unfortunately, the extent of his strategic powers pretty much end there as he decides to kick back and let time tell what will happen. Meanwhile, the others decide to fool Jughead by telling him that Crazy Pants is the real target. Loverboy admits to feeling some tiny pangs of uneasiness about it while Dan just shrugged his shoulders and was like, "Whatever. Fuhget about it." I can't even bring myself to recap the scene where Norma kissed Jane's ass and call her "Mama"... *shivers* Scarred. For. Life.

Now we arrive at Tribal Council. March in the Quitters, Dimples! Actually, Dimples makes up a little bit for the colossal mistakes he made last week (i.e. smuffing) by calling Insignificant Kelly and that piece of trash Nanook "Quitters" as many times as possible. "We'll now bring in the members of our Jury... our two Quitters. Kelly - Quitter #1. Nanook - Quitter #2. They quit at the last Tribal Council. Look at those Quitters. Here come the Quitters. Take a seat Quitters. Are you comfortable Quitters? Ok let's get started... Quitters, Quitters, Quitters!" Yeah, it was pretty funny.

In all honesty, it was kind of an uneventful Tribal. Loverboy thought he was safe, Jughead thought he was safe, and Norma bragged about winning Immunity. In the end it turns out that none of the pre-Tribal strategy actually mattered at all for us, the viewers, because in a surprise ending Loverboy Benry is the 12th person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua and the 6th member of the Jury. Personally, I'm pleased with how things panned out - Benry was douchetastic... however the hell it all happened we'll never know because the editing this season is beyond whacky. What did you guys think? Do you think Norma chose the right side? Were you surprised how quickly Loverboy turned on his own alliance? Don't you think getting rid of Jane would have been a better move? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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