Thursday, December 16, 2010

That Was A Rhetorical Question

The exclusive gated community known as North Carolina closed it's titanium gates forever last night. One of it's children has gone astray into the arms of evil and, henceforth, he'll never be allowed to walk the marshmallow streets of downtown Raleigh again. The gummi bear trees lining the avenues will be no more to one Mr. Chase Rice because once you've pissed off North Carolina, you've pissed off LIFE! Not just Chase will suffer from his most heinous miscarriage of justice. His family will suffer as well. Connie and her other sons and daughters, not unlike the Jews in wartorn Poland, were thrown into the back of a truck late last night and dropped off into the shady murky downtown streets of Charleston, South Carolina. Oh, the horror! Not South Carolina! South Carolina is where all the bad people live! You know, liars and cheaters and backstabbers. Those sorts. The types you thumb your nose and stick your tongue out at. Whereas, in North Carolina it's all do-gooders and lovers and philanthropists. To be dropped off into South Carolina so unceremoniously is a death sentence. Connie will be forced to cook meth in the back of a trailer now. Chase's sister will have to turn tricks to make ends meet and his brother will turn to cooking the 'shine in the back of a rickety cabin perched everso gingerly on the side of a mountain. If only North Carolina wasn't so snobby! Let's recap, shall we?

We're quickly coming to the end of our tragic tale in Nicaragua and like so many blogs before this we begin with Lebowitz (Libertad) returning to camp and one Mr. Jughead (Jud) confused by the vote. He doesn't understand how his name was put down on those ballots. No one told him that would happen! Norma (Sash) quickly ushers Jughead away from the group and tells him that it was Loverboy Benry's evil plan to get rid of Jughead all along. We all know that's not entirely true, but Norma likes to weave his little tales of lies. It makes him feel powerful or something. I'm pretty sure he played with puppets as a kid - maybe still does. And, let's face it, lying is the only way Norma can ever feel powerful. He likes to trick his mind into believing that he's the one calling all the shots. I think that's called Narcissistic Personality Disorder and, correct me if I'm wrong, but a lot of serial killers have that, right? Just sayin'. Anyhow, throughout the entire game Norma has never really been the one in charge. He'll tell you differently though. He'll tell you fantastical things like how he's the Casanova of Manhattan and how women just automatically drop their panties when they see him. I think that's called Sociopathy and could get you 5-10 in Sing Sing but, again, I'm not entirely sure. I could tell you I'm sitting here in a princess dress waving my magic wand around and turning everything into ponies, but that doesn't mean it's true. Alright, who am I kidding, it is true, but that doesn't change the point I'm trying to make. Norma lives in a fantasy land, kind of like Candyland, where everyone loves him and he's the king and oh isn't he the greatest Survivor player who ever lived? *giggles* He's a bluebird, a brownie, a girl scout cookie. He's a puzzle piece, a replacable object, the Emperor with his new clothes. Lucifer (Russell H.), Parvati, and Boston Rob were great players who'll never be forgotton not Norma. Even if by some miracle Norma manages to win the entire season, it'll all be sort of anticlimactic. It'll be like when that blonde chick (whose name I've since forgotten even though I blogged an entire season about her) won over Lucifer. It'll be a forgetful win, a yawn, a shrugging of the shoulders. I don't know. I like to think of Lucifer in the back of his trailer watching this season, rubbing his belly, and laughing maniacally whenever Norma says he's in charge. It pleases me to have that image in my head - more so because chances are it's entirely true. You can't slink in the background with your manpurse, watch your entire alliance get offed or quit, and then tell me you're the one in charge. It doesn't work that way. If Norma was really in charge, those girls wouldn't have quit when they did. He would have been able to keep them in the game and it would have been smooth sailing to the end. Instead they went tits up and made a mockery of everything that is holy. Sorry Norma, but that's beyond embarrassing.

A new day begins and it's *drumroll* product placement time! Yay! Since no one from that particular company is paying my ass to promote them, I'll simply call them Shint. So Shint has delivered a fancy new cell phone to the tribe and like apes leaping around a box full of buttons, the natives hoot and scratch themselves in wonderment. The Shint phone tells them to go to the Videos section and - bam! - just like that... we have tears. Inside the tiny Shint phone are pretty video pictures of the castaways families. Plump, smiley, and nourished, the happy families wave through the tiny screen to tell their gaunt and sickly relatives how much they love them. We see Rainbow Brite's (Chase) mom and brother, Norma's mom, Jungle Jane's daughter and her 8000 dogs, Mafia Dan's mafioso-in-training sons, Crazy Pants' (Holly) family, and Jughead's hot mom. Nice going Jughead. Not only was his mom smokin', but she was the most inspirational I thought. Wise, tender, loving... it was very sweet. At home, I continued polishing my throwing knives and stirring my grool. My eyes were leaking, but I wasn't crying dammit. I'm hardcore. *beats on chest* Ow.

After everyone dried their damp faces, Jughead and Rainbow Brite retreated into the woods to discuss the upcoming Reward Challenge. They know it's the one where the family members get to stay so it's more important than ever to make a pact. Rainbow Brite says that he plans on taking the three young mama's boys if he wins. Jughead nods in agreement and says he'll do the same. It's a done deal. Etch that bitch in stone. Jughead, Rainbow Brite, and Norma are going on that Reward Challenge - no doubt about it. Jughead and Rainbow Brite miss their mommies and Norma hasn't been on a Reward Challenge in like months. For someone running the game, you'd think he'd be on every single one of them, right? Hmmm interesting. Anyhow, Rainbow Brite says the words "I promise" and *thunder clapping the distance* it's off the the Reward Challenge we go.

Dimples waits on the beach doing that giddy little boy dance he does when he's got a surprise up his Banana Republic sleeves. Dimples keeps a secret like Julian Assange keeps a secret. I'm surprised the two don't own a skywriting company together. So, Dimples takes back the Shint phone and tells the troops that they're playing for a cruise down the coast of Nicaragua where they'll enjoy a nice meal and *pause for dramatic effect* get to spend time with their loved ones. The tribe acts all stunned with lots of hands covering their mouths in disbelief. Dudes, you've seen the show before. You knew this was coming. Christ, at least two of you planned what to do beforehand. This is where I wonder how much direction is given to the castaways. I picture Burnett on the sidelines shouting, "Act shocked you arse monkeys! I want some real dram-a here you sheep shagging ninnies! Stop being bloomin' buffoons and gimme some of that Macaulay Culkin shite ya wankers!" I don't know why, but I always picture him angry, kicking the sand, and bellowing through one of those olden timey Hollywood bullhorns with his spit shooting out into the wind.

One by one Dimples brings out the family members. They were made to awkwardly run through the brush with their boobs flopping this way and that. I'm not a pervert or anything, but that's all I saw... boobs. Alright so Rainbow Brite's mom Connie (who'll give you a sweet deal on meth now!) comes running out first. She leaps into R.B.'s arms and tells him how much she loves him. All I could think in that moment was, "I'll bet he smells really bad." Oh come on! You were thinking it too. The dirty, grungy, mangy castaways are standing there and then a nice clean pretty person hugs them and on instinct all I wanna do is pinch my nose shut. Next comes Jughead's mom Anne and she's so cute! Jughead cries into her hair and tells her she's gorgeous. That's when my eyes starting leaking again. I really should get that checked out. I could have an infection or something. Dimples tells Anne that Jughead is now known as Fabio to the Nicaraguan people. Anne laughs and says he used to be known as "Jud The Stud" back home. *silence* Awk-ward! incest Carrying on...

Norma's mom Leigh is next and Norma, unflinching and monotone, tells us how being on Survivor makes him appreciate love more. Wha... wha... what?! Love?! No it doesn't you liar! It's made you into a narcissistic asshole and narcissistic assholes love no one but themselves. Ugh. Gross. To offset the offensiveness, Dan's son Matt comes running out and it's nothing short of precious. Mafia Dan was weeping while Matt kept kissing his head over and over again. You could tell Dan just adores his kids and they adore him back. Well, who wouldn't adore a dad with boats, Ferraris, and alligator shoes?! That's my kind of dad! The concrete blocks, rusty pliers, and inexplicable bags of oranges in the basement are easy to ignore when you can take Ferrari #2 out for a joyride whenever daddy gets called away on "business". I'll bet he has a sweet wine cellar too. Conversely, Jane's daughter Ashley comes running out and Jane doesn't even shed a tear. The tough old bird whoops and screams at the top of her lungs instead. You can tell Jane runs a tight ship, but you can also tell they've probably been through hell and back after the loss of their husband/dad. Been there, done that. Not fun. Lastly, Crazy Pants' husband Charlie comes running out and *bowm chicka bowm bowm* it's make-out time! Wild tongues searching in the Nicaraguan breeze and all I can think is, "Good thing C.P. got to brush her teeth on that last Reward Challenge!" Crazy Pants clearly wears the pants in that family. When a hedge needs trimming or the refrigerator begins leaking, Crazy Pants is on that shit! Tool belt and all.

Alright so for the challenge Survivors will run up a plank, jump into the water to get a bag of tiles, race back to give it to their loved one, and then run back into the water again to get another bag of tiles. Once the loved one has both bags, they'll try to unscramble a familiar phrase - FAMILY COMES FIRST. Survivors ready, go! Jughead is the first one in the water with the others not far behind. Mafia Dan leaps off the plank and then sinks to the bottom. We see bubbles at the top of the pool and that's about it. That water is a bitch on scotch tape! the end, RAINBOW BRITE WINS REWARD!!!

Now, it's decision time. Who will Rainbow Brite take with him? Jungle Jane whispers to her daughter that he'll probably take Norma. Rainbow Brite launches into an "I love you - each and every one of you" speech, but no one cares. Just make a decision asshole. So, he picks Norma and that was expected. Norma hasn't eaten in weeks because, you know, he's been too busy running the game and whatnot. *eye roll* Then Dimples tells R.B. to pick another pair to join them. This should be a no brainer. Jughead. Boom, bam, done. Rainbow Brite promised. Instead, he hems and haws, mutters "aww shucks", and after an eternity of twisting his baseball cap every which way decides to choose Crazy Pants. *pin drop* Dan whispers, "He's a scumbag" and then Jughead starts flailing in the sand weeping thick salty tears. Rainbow Brite tells Jughead he loves him, but Jughead just started throwing sand balls in R.B.'s face.

Norma is straight up delusional and Rainbow Brite is, quite plainly, the wimpiest guy I've ever laid eyes on. Those two freaks deserve each other. If you rewatch the footage like I'm doing right now, Rainbow Brite tells Jughead first that he'll take him on the Reward. It wasn't something he said to appease Jughead. It wasn't a tit for tat thing. It was Rainbow Brite's idea. To call R.B. wishy-washy would be a compliment. He's a straight up douchebag. Had he chosen not to take Jughead out of pure evil or malicious reasoning, I could maybe respect that. It wasn't like that though. He's just an indecisive pussy with a deep seeded pathetic need to please everyone. The only problem is he ends up hurting the very people he's trying to please. It's shameful! How can anyone hang out with this guy? Deciding what to put on a pizza would take days. Picking which New Release to rent could take weeks. It's exhausting. I mean, grow some balls already. Be a man for chrissake! *waves wand and turns ponies into vicious tigers*

The three losers head back to camp and they're pissed! Jughead doesn't understand why Rainbow Brite chose Crazy Pants. He tells the others how it was Rainbow Brite's idea to go on Reward together. *cut to a shot of Jane shooting flames out her nose* Jane calmly replies that Chase just made a million dollar mistake today. Now, I'm not exactly sure why Jane is so furious about not being picked. I mean, yes it sucks not going on rewards, but I didn't see Rainbow Brite making her any promises. I get the impression that Jane thinks their North Carolina Blood Pact supercedes all other decision making in the game which is odd because I remember a few weeks ago Jane being very annoyed with the decisions Rainbow Brite was making. As a matter of fact, I remember A LOT of people being annoyed with R.B. How he's lasted this long is a complete mindfuck of a mystery to me. Mafia Dan even gets in on the "Poor Jane" thing. Well, he's the head of an illustrious crime family where blood is thicker than water so, yeah, I get it. Loyalty is big thing with Dan. The North Carolina Blood Pact is not unlike being a made man. Once you're in, you're in for life... unless, of course, someone pries your toenails out one by one and then shoots you in the back of the end in an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of Queens. Duh.

Jane asks Jughead if Rainbow Brite really did promise him they'd go on the Reward Challenge together. Jughead replies, "Yeah man!" and then Jane collapses into a pile of bones and tears. She's devastated. She showed her cooch in that Reward Challenge and everything! *chortles* And thus we discover why Jane is really upset. She flashed her vajayjay to all the other visiting loved ones and she's mortified. Dude, imagine how they feel. They're traumatized for life now!

The focus shifts to the threesome out on the Reward and I could seriously not be more uninterested. Eat, eat, eat, nosh, nosh, nosh, boring, boring, boring. Mumble, mumble, final three, mumble, mumble, cookies! Click, click, click, stick to the plan, smile, smile, smile. Done. Blech.

Under the cover of night, the King Of The Cowards dreads returning to camp. He's shaking in his ballet flats and his petticoats seem to be rustling louder than usual. Jughead hears Petticoat Junction approaching so he rolls over in his bed and asks, "How was it buddy?" Rainbow Brite arranges his skirts, pours himself a cup of tea and says, "Well, oh my word, it was heavenly! We ate cucumber sandwiches and has some gorgeous pound cake. Light as air I tell you... Light. As. Air! Then we all gathered 'round Holly's husband playing guitar and sang one of them good ole down home spirituals that'll get your blood pumping. You know the ones I mean. Oh and at one point, Norma played charades and got his foot caught in a rope and he tumbled overboard! *clutches pearls* Oh my word, we just laughed and laughed! *giggles* I can honestly say I've never had such an exquisite day. I'll never forget it for the rest of my life. *fans self* It was pure heaven. *sigh*" Jughead replies, "That was a rhetorical question asshole!" Then he threw his banana leaf pillow at Rainbow Brite and fell back asleep. Yup. That's exactly how it happened.

And now we arrive at the big Immunity Challenge. Since I spent so much time on the family members and I've got one hell of a Tribal Council to get to, I'm going to kind of cruise through this. Players were blindfolded, had to memorize a shield, and then blindly had to piece together the shield they memorized. In a nail biter of a finish between Rainbow Brite and Jughead, JUGHEAD WINS IMMUNITY!!!!!!!!!! Thank god!

Back at Legoland Norma is unthrilled that Jughead has won Immunity. Oh boo hoo. Cry me a river. Over at the campfire Rainbow Brite is once again busy putting a plan together that'll never come to fruition. Have you noticed that after every Immunity Challenge, Rainbow Brite suggests a person to go home and that person never goes home? Every single week he comes up with some moronic plan, pitches it to someone, they say no, R.B. fans his tears away, and then votes however the majority votes. Pathetic! Hey Connie, do you have Rainbow Brite's balls pickled in a jar somewhere? I think he needs them back.

So, Rainbow Brite wants Dan to go home. Yeah, cuz that makes a lot of sense. Jughead tells him no and that Jane should be going home instead. At the time, I applauded Jughead for his firmness and ability to see through to the endgame. He's impressed me week after week with his growing confidence and likability. You can't hate Jughead. You just can't. Not even me. This, of course, will change once I get to Tribal Council, but I'm jumping ahead.

Rainbow Brite then scampers off to Norma to tattle on Jughead. He's out of breath and panting, "Jughead wants to vote out Jane!" Norma looks at him and says something like, "Well, that's not a bad idea." R.B. says, "Really? Oh, ok. Ummm yeah you're probably right." Way to stick to your guns Rainbow Brite. Then Crazy Pants, with a nose like a bloodhound, approaches. Have you ever noticed that whenever someone is having a secret meeting in the trees Crazy Pants always shows up and gets in on it? See, I think I'd totally be like that. I'd keep my eyes on the camera crews and watch where they were headed. I don't know. I think it must be so easy to spy on Survivor. I could be totally wrong, but if there are people missing from camp and a couple camera guys asses hanging out of the trees, that's where you'll find me. Or maybe Crazy Pants is simply part canine. *shrugs shoulders* Who knows?

So the three of them have a big pow wow and Norma is adamant that if Jane makes it through then none of them will win a million dollars. I used to think that way too, but when I look at the Jury sometimes I scratch my head and wonder if that really would be true. Oh well... so then Jane approaches and wants to know what's going on. *bites fist* The awkwardness was palpable. Crazy Pants shuffles her feet and says, "Well, you know, someone has to go home." Umm, tell us something we don't know genius. Jane asks if it's Dan who's going home. Her answer is silence. Complete and utter silence. Those three chuckleheads couldn't even muster up a lie. They're standing there with a 90 year old woman in front of them, bikini half to the ground, mud streaking her face, and those window lickers couldn't bring themselves to say, "Yes Jane, Dan is going home." Hey Leigh, do you have Norma's balls pickling in a jar too? I mean, Jesus Christ! Never have I seen such a bunch of cowards looking at the ground and shuffling their feet back and forth. It's stunning to watch a second time. The long awkward pauses are just... laughable! What a bunch of spineless wimps! What happened to Norma being the big wheeling dealing hardcore Survivor master? The dude shoved his penis up his own ass and then shivered in a corner. Ridonkulous.

The best part is when Jane asks, "Y'all been conniving this the whole time?" Rainbow Brite looks to the trees for the answer. He adjusts his baseball hat a little and says, "Ummm..." Umm? Umm?! Are you serious?! Umm? Look sweetheart, one of these days you're going to have to start thinking for yourself. I'm going to make a suggestion to you. Let's make today that day. From here on out, when someone asks you what you want on your hamburger, just blurt out an answer. It's easy. Look, watch me. "Ketchup and pickles!" Boom. "Lettuce and tomato!" Bam. "Bacon and cheddar cheese!" Voila. No one was hurt. No one's crying. Other hamburgers aren't jealous. The world is still turning. Christmas is still going to happen. No one died - well, except for the cow - but you know what I mean. We're all ok. People make decisions everyday and we're... all... ok. *sigh* It's like talking to a three year old.

This is where things get really delicious. Jane is furious and a furious Jane is a Jane I want to party with. Firstly, she gives Norma the finger which was delightful. I did that last week Jane! Secondly, she tells us that North Carolina's gates are now closed to Rainbow Brite. He's no longer welcome there. The entire state voted and that's just how it is. Thirdly, she tells us that Norma better not ever, in the history of the world, call her "Mama" again. Jane didn't raise her daughter to be a liar and a cutthroat like Leigh raised her son to be a damn liar! *claps and giggles* Lastly, Psycho Jane took two giant buckets of water and put out the fire back at camp. She made that fire and she can take it away goddammit! *waves lighter in the air* Where has this Jane been all season long?! This Jane I could adore. I looooove Angry Jane. More of that please. Seriously, at home I was beaming ear to ear watching it all unfold. The smoke of the fire faded into the fog on the mountains and it was bee-you-tee-full. Nicely done Survivor editors.

And here we now are... at Tribal Council. The Jury comes in and Dimples sadly didn't give his Quitter speech again. He should give it every week, but that's just my opinion. Instead, Dimples dives right in and asks how crazy the afternoon was. Mafia Dan starts to speak, but then shuts himself up. Dimples shakes his head and threatens, "Give it to me or I'll go digging! Mwahahaha!" He's so cute when he's scary. Dan folds and fesses up to how Jane put out the fire back at the camp. Dimples asks if it was a philsophical statement and I'm not sure Jane knew what that meant because she replies with, "Can I have my say?"

Oh indeed Jane! Shit, move the furniture aside for her. Actually, let's do a theater in the round type of thing with Jane in the middle while we all just listen intently. I was expecting benches being thrown and that giant fire in front of Dimples being peed on or something, but instead all I got was, "This vote is not based on loyalty. It's full of liars of backstabbers. End of story." Dimples said exactly what I said at home, "End of story? Nuh uh. Beginning of story. I want more!"

Jane finally gives me the goods, the nectar if you will. The sweet, delicious, make you randy nectar... "Holly you call yourself a coach and a mentor yet you steal $1400 worth of personal property! Where I come from *pause for death stare* you go to jail, ok?" *throws glitter in air* Yes! Let's get the cops into this! Ooops, I'll shoosh now. Sometimes I just can't help myself.

Jane then begins to talk about the rest of her alliance throwing her under the bus. She outs her alliance and their entire plan on how they'd get to the end of the game. She makes a point to explain exactly how Loverboy Benry got voted off. That was good. That was really good because that could have just cost one of them Benry's vote.

Here's where it gets unbelievable. *pours more gin* Dimples asks the alliance of three (R.B, C.P., Norma) who's next on their list. Rainbow Brite says it's whomever doesn't win Immunity. Then, realizing he's just made a bold statement (miracle upon miracles!) he turns to Norma and Crazy Pants and asks, "So umm would you guys like agree with that?" Meanwhile Spike (Marty) is cracking up in his khakis over on Tribal Council. He's loving it just as much as I am. His shoulders are convulsing, he's biting his lip... it was hysterical! *waves to Spike* Rainbow Brite mutters on and asks again, "Would you guys agree with that?" He's asked TWICE now! Ahahaha!!! After many more awkward smiles and stares, Norma and Crazy Pants reluctantly say yes. That moron Rainbow Brite just had a secret alliance meeting in front of the Jury, Dimples, and the people he's planning on voting out! You can't write this stuff! It's so idiotic it's brilliant!

Jughead says it sounds like if he doesn't win he could be going home next. Jane then yells at Jughead, "It's writing on the wall Fabio!" There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it Jughead. You WILL go home next if you don't win Immunity! *knocks on head* McFly! Dimples says, "Three people just told you flat out that there's a three person alliance!" He goes on to point out that there are three other people on the opposing side. Dimples breaks out his markers, poster board, and easel. He draws a diagram of exactly how Dan, Jane, and Jughead should vote out Crazy Pants. He laminates it, puts it on an overhead projector for good measure. He registers it with the Library Of Congress. He does everything but tattoo it on their asses. It was unprecedented! It was genius! It's a goddamn fucking shame those idiots didn't listen!

Jane tried to get Dan and Jughead to join her and vote out Crazy Pants because the other two have Idols. Dan seemed onboard, but Jughead was still giving weird nonsensical answers about how the game changes all the time. So, yeah, Jane is the 13th person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua and the 7th member of the Jury.

So, big episode, huh? What did you guys think? Should Jughead and Dan have tried to get Crazy Pants out? Could Jane have won had she made it to the final three? Do you want to rent Angry Jane for your parties? Most importantly, we're at the end now, who do you want to win Survivor Nicaragua? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Each season the Bitchy Survivor Blog picks one player to endorse for Fan Favorite. I would loooove for Spike to win, but I'm a realist and I just don't think that's possible. Instead I think I'm going to go with Jughead. He's likable and entertaining and I think he could have a good chance of winning. Sure, he's not too bright sometimes, but look who I'm left with. I think Jughead is someone who could give Jane a run for her money. So, vote Jughead because, yeah, I told you to.

Please to enjoy this week's Life At Ponderosa: