Monday, December 20, 2010

Dumber Than A Bag Of Hammers


Nicaragua. Beautiful, lush and unforgiving. We've all made Nicaragua our home for the past several months and now it's time to say goodbye. We'll look back on our time there as a period in our lives where we smacked ourselves a lot. Blunt quick slap upon slap upon slap delivered by our own hands to our own foreheads. Resignation, exasperation, frustration, rhythm nation... It wasn't the best of Survivors, but we made the most of it. We breathed life into clam shells, studied the multiple personalities of a petty thief, envied the flounce of one's petticoats, and stuck pencils in our ears whenever a certain someone cackled. Our journey has been long and arduous, but we made it. By God, we made it. Now we're free to get on with our lives... until we have to do it all over again in February. Let's recap, shall we?



We begin our final chapter at Leptospirosis (Libertad). Mafia Dan gasped and sputtered as he chiseled a tiny little indentation into a crispy tree and announced, "Day 37!". 37 days. 37 whole days. It's all come down to this moment for Jughead (Jud) as he realizes that, from here on out, he has no choice but to win everything. Strategically however, he decides to simply play it cool. That's been his M.O. all along - have fun, hang out, and play it cool. So, playing it cool, he saunters up to Crazy Pants (Holly) and asks, "You wanna go to the Final 3 with me?" Dan gurgles out, "What about me?" Crazy Pants looks at the ground, gestures to the air, and burps, "Heh". Without Life Coach Clam Shell in her pocket, she just can't string the words together anymore to make sentences. Instead she's all airy gestures, wide eyes, and pursed lips. You see, a few days ago when Crazy Pants' very large husband was crushing her with gropes and tongue kisses he smashed the delicate bivalve nestled in the supposed safety of a deep pocket into teeny tiny little shards of uselessness. Had you listened closely at the time you would have heard a small "Yelp!". Never will we hear his words of wisdom, watch his jaunty walk, or laugh at his off-color jokes. Life Coach Clam Shell was the smartest player Survivor has ever known and now he's gone. To Crazy Pants' Scarecrow, Life Coach Clam Shell was the Wizard Of Oz. When you take away that gift of reason and logic, all you're left with is a mop of curly hair and an annoying accent. A moment of silence please for Life Coach Clam Shell.


This brings us to the first Immunity Challenge of the night where Rainbow Brite (Chase) and Norma (Sash) are sure their foolproof plan to get rid of Jughead will, once and for all, come to fruition. The only plan these two yukyuks can succeed at is being inducted into the Most Annoying Survivor Players Of All Time Hall Of Fame, but I digress. OK so Survivors have to race out to a trivia question about Nicaragua, select an answer, retrieve the corresponding bag to that answer and return to the start. If they pick the right answer, the bag will contain puzzle pieces inside. If not, then the bag will have lumps of coal and we'll have 6 more weeks of winter... or something like that. The first person to get all three bags and finish the puzzle wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go! The course is rainy and slippery so of course Mafia Dan's limbs fall off one by one and that's the end of him. Everyone else gets their first question right. On the second question, Jughead gets it wrong and one of Rainbow Brite's puzzle pieces commits puzzle piece suicide by leaping off the puzzle table. I think it heard his new song. With Jughead in last place and Mafia Dan flailing in the mud, it's not looking good for the likable guys. Thankfully, Norma isn't as smart as he thinks he is, Crazy Pants is useless without her Clam Shell, and Rainbow Brite's album sucks because... JUGHEAD WINS IMMUNITY!!! *throws glitter in the air*


Back at Leviathan, Jughead is basking in the glow of his victory while Rainbow Brite begins his push to get Mafia Dan out. Jughead isn't so sure he likes that plan as Dan hasn't done anything worthwhile the entire game. He's the sort of guy you want to take to the end - lazy, useless, not liked by everyone. Here's the best part: Rainbow Brite actually agrees with this logic. He told us he agreed with it! The only thing is that his fragile crystalline feelings deep down inside will be tarnished forever if he turns on Crazy Pants. Sure, she's the bigger threat, but but but... he just doesn't feel right turning on her now - you know, now, when a million dollars is within arm's reach. Yeah, now's definitely not the right time to make a power move Rainbow Brite. Let's wait until later. Let's wait until you're knocking on North Carolina's doors begging to get back in. That's a swell idea.



Jughead then tries to convince Norma that keeping Crazy Pants in this game isn't the best of ideas. Mafia Dan outlines how Crazy Pants is a little girl from a struggling farm in a small town in West Dakota (I can't remember if she's from North or South so West will have to do) who made a huge turnaround in the game and is a mother figure to a whole lot of peeps out there. Someone like that is someone you don't want next to you on the Jury. Someone like that is a someone whose dreams you want to crush... kind of like a clam shell! *collapses in tears* That was the whole reasoning in getting Jane out. One would think it would apply to Crazy Pants too. Norma says he can see Jughead and Dan's point, but who knows? Norma's whole strategy is to simply tell people what they want to hear. The problem with that is eventually everyone catches on and no one trusts you anymore. Being phony once or twice isn't a big deal, but being phony for 37 days straight is a bit like the little boy who cried wolf. After a while, no one takes anything you say seriously and that's exactly what's happening with Norma. No one takes him seriously. Not one person. None. Nein. Zilch. Niet. Nada. Non. Bobo. Yes, Bobo. That's how you say no in Cameroon. *puts on RuPaul voice* Cam-a-ROON! Isn't that the best? I think it's divine and I'll henceforth use 'Bobo' as my universal 'No'.


Whoosh! Skwee! Kerplunk! We've landed ourselves at the first Tribal Council of the evening. Dimples brings out the Jury and there's a woman of ill repute on it. I thought to myself, "Uh oh, one of Dimples' concubines must have wandered onto the set." but, bobo, it was Jane. Jane! Eyeshadow going all the way up to her scalp, fuschia lipstick applied all wiggedy whack, some dangly fiberglass earrings swaying in the breeze... uh, ok, I guess this is how Jane dresses for important events. *cough* $2 hooker *cough* It's like when you're 15 and your mom finally lets you wear make-up. Sure, I did the blue eyeliner thing, but at least I had the temerity to end my eyeshadow at my eyebrows and not all the way up and over and on the back of my neck. As far as her hair goes, well, she must have washed it in marshmallows because it was light and fluffy and, yeah, I wouldn't mind roasting it over an open fire.


Dimples asks Jughead how he feels wearing that necklace again. Dude, he's stoked man. He's like totally pumped! Jughead tell us that now it's important to consider who's on the Jury and who you want next to you at the end. Mafia Dan jumps in, whips out a stack of hundreds, and says no one will vote for him to win this game. He already has the dream life (of Ferraris and whizzing bullets) so no one in their right mind would vote to give him the million. Dream life or not, I'm a firm believer that it shouldn't matter what your background is when it comes to winning reality shows. Survivor isn't a charity and it drives me crazy when people think it is. Mafia Dan shouldn't win not because he has money. He shouldn't win because all he did was lie in a hut and burble at challenges.


Mafia Dan continues and tells us that Crazy Pants is the real threat not him. Crazy Pants feigns surprise, crinkles her forehead, and in that grating voice of hers asks, "Why am I a threat?!" Dan runs down his list again... lady, farm, East Dakota, small town, family, blah blah blah. The Jury cracks up while Crazy Pants merely scoffs. In her infinite clamless wisdom she then decides to outline the type of player you don't want to go up against in the final. To make a long story short, she describes herself which is pretty much the exact opposite of Dan. Dimples again takes out his markers and poster board. Since his complicated diagrams were ignored last week, he decides to write one simple idiot proof sentence... VOTE HOLLY OUT!!! He's shoving that bitch in everyone's faces but they stare into the night completely oblivious as Mafia Dan is the 14th person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua and the 8th member of the Jury. *sigh* That was a dumb vote.



Back at Ludacris the final four are generally in good spirits. Norma who has an alliance with everyone including that tree over there and that one over there is doing his "We made it guys! Let's just have fun tomorrow." shtick. Jughead, on the other hand, is all game. He stares into the fire knowing he has to win another Immunity Challenge. The more Norma talks, the more Jughead knows he can't be trusted. Jughead has to do this all on his own... like he's been doing for the past several eliminations. He's flying solo and weaving in and out of every obstacle put before him. I don't know if it's dumb luck or such a pure primal urge to win that it's actually manifesting itself into a reality. That's the power of The Secret right there. Actually, I doubt Jughead has read The Secret. I'm thinking his book shelves are lined with Archie Comics and back issues of Cracked. I don't even think he has Playboys under his mattress. He's too goofy to be sexual.

Norma sits in a corner and massages his own hands while licking his teeth all creepy like as he muses how everyone left will take him to final three. I've got to be honest here, I was a little bit worried in that moment. The editing has been so wonky that it's impossible to know how that Jury really views Norma. It's not like they talk about him at Ponderosa a whole lot - at least not that we've seen. He's sort of a mole on the butt of Survivor. He just there. He doesn't really serve a purpose and getting him surgically removed becomes more and more appealing each and every day. When Rainbow Brite and Crazy Pants review how the votes could possibly go, they assume my beloved Spike (Marty), Loverboy Benry, Insignificant Kelly and Nanook could vote Norma to win. Rainbow Brite stops to bite his lip as he counts and recounts those votes. He doesn't like those odds and I have in my notes, "Are you just thinking about this now jungle tits?!" How someone can be shocked at Day 38 is beyond me. I would have been going over those votes ever since the Merge, but than again I'm smarter than Rainbow Brite. Well, ok, maybe not, but I'm definitely better looking and that's all that really matters anyways. Duh.





Then we get to that boring In Memoriam part where they lie and recap about how "great" everyone was. Crazy Pants thinks she's been given some sort of royal mission and a responsibility ordained by god. Oh shut the fuck up and just get on with it. I mean, let's be honest here, all the In Memoriam really is is a look back at all my fabulous nicknames! Without further ado... Goat Lady, Shannon from Douchebaggerville, Coach Jimmy J., Sasquatch, T-Bone, Hop Along, Yve, Secret Agent Jill, Alligator Lady, Spike, Ninja Warrior/Mowgli, Nanook, Insignificant Kelly, Loverboy, Jungle Jane, and Mafia Dan. Ta-da!



Now we arrive at the second Immunity Challenge of the night. As far as I was concerned Jughead had to win or I was turning off my television. I'm very mature like that. As Survivor is often wont to do, the final challenge is an Endurance Challenge. Oh yeah! Actually, maybe it is a good idea Jane is gone. She kinda rocked those Endurance Challenges. Told ya I wasn't very smart. OK so for this challenge Survivors had to balance a sword on a shield with one hand while stacking coins on the sword handle with the other hand. Survivors ready, go! It takes several rounds before we get our first fatality which is Crazy Pants. Rainbow Brite, who kept craning his neck to spy on Jughead's sword (that sounded dirty), goes second and we're now left with Norma and Jughead. The camera zoomed in on Jughead's stack swaying in the wind. You know those floaty things you see outside of car washes and furniture stores that go crazy in the wind? Well, that's what Jughead's stack was like. It was Cat In The Hat with all the plates. It was horrifying. My god, the anxiety! I couldn't look. I covered my face with my hands and muttered, "Normasucks Normasucks Normasucks Normasucks". And you know what? Norma does suck because JUGHEAD WINS IMMUNITY!!!!!!!!!!! *flings bra overhead* Ah-mazing!


The troops return to camp and all the monkeys in the trees are now in a celebratory mood. They throw some poo at Norma while pointing and laughing at Rainbow Brite. The best part though was Jughead finally finding his confidence along with a deliciously evil urge to toy with all those who were about to kiss his ass. I was proud of Jughead in that moment. Watching Norma stammer and plant one on Jughead's butt cheeks was like watching a baby being born. It was beautiful yet really gross and nauseating all at the same time. A desperate Norma is a funny Norma. Angry Jane you want to rent for your parties. Desperate Norma you want to put on your mantle and throw empty soda cans at. When he told Jughead, "You're my best friend in this game." I just shook my head and mumbled, "Give it a rest already." It's always the delusionally cocky ones who crumble to their knees when all their resources are tapped out.


After Norma and Rainbow Brite spent the day throwing one another under the bus, we arrive at our second Tribal Council. Before it even begins, Jughead is bursting into giggles. It impossible for Jughead to hide how he's feeling which makes him not only likable but trustworthy. You look at Jughead and you just know that chances are he's not lying to you when he tells you stuff. He doesn't have a duplicitous scheming mind full of advance chess moves and algorithms. He just wants to win challenges and get votes.


For some reason, Jughead's main concern is whether or not the others would have taken him to the final had they won. It seemed like a silly thing to be preoccupied with because of course they wouldn't have taken him, but watching Jughead tell Norma he saw through his pathetic pleas made it all worthwhile. One second Norma was smiling confident he was in the final and the next second his lips sat in a thin line as he stared off into the trees. Whenever Norma hears something he doesn't like he stares off into the distance. I think he's afraid to make eye contact. That, or he's taking up bird watching. I don't know.




So, after some yadda yadda yadda-ing from Norma where the entire Jury is rolling their eyes and laughing at him, Crazy Pants is the 15th person voted out and the final member of the Jury. I'm ok with this vote because Crazy Pants would have been a definite threat to Jughead. Norma, on the other hand, should have just gotten up and quit right there. After seeing how the Jury was repulsed by him I knew he had no chance in hell of winning and that, my dear readers, made my little heart soar.




Let me explain something here: You know how Norma lied to the everyone on the show to get what he wanted? Well, he did that to me too. The second I stopped giving him exactly what he wanted is the second he disappeared. Did you know he contacted me before the season even started? He kissed my ass to get a good write up and the one time I gave him what amounted to not even really being a criticism, he dropped me and revoked all support. Now, I hear from lot of reality people throughout the year and I have to say that his behavior was a first for me. He's a slimy guy on camera and off. I know he used me and that's my mistake, but his mistake was in pissing me off. Fran Lebowitz once said, "I absolutely believe in revenge and if you have the opportunity, take it!" Thanks Fran. I'll do that. Let's continue, shall we?


OK so we have our final three and it's Jughead, Rainbow Brite and Norma. It's a final three I don't think anyone could have ever imagined. If you would have told me week 2 that's this is how the season would have ended up I would have laughed in your face and called you a douchenozzle. But, here we are on the verge of an incredible final Tribal Council. Let's do this!


Each person is given the opportunity to say their piece. Rainbow Brite, talking like he's got a big hunk of chewing tobacco in his mouth, tells everyone to bring on the questions because he's not wishy-washy. I think he said "Bring it on!" about twelve times. OK Kirsten Dunst. Whatever you say. Jughead says he never backstabbed anyone and deserves a million dollars because he thinks it would be a lot of fun. Norma says "Outwit, outplay, outlast" and then he ate his own face with those giant glow in the dark teeth of his. Dimples watches in horror and then gives the Jury their chance to address the finalists.


Mowgli (Brenda) is up first and she wastes no time laying into Norma. She calls him out for making 800 alliances, breaking them all, and then expecting votes from them. Norma interrupts her and I was surprised she didn't tell him to shut up. That's what I would have done. She then turns her attention to Rainbow Brite and tells him she had an emotional attachment to him. It was creepy and made me feel all oogy inside. The idea of anyone being emotionally attached to Rainbow Brite makes me question all that I know to be holy in the world.


*drumroll* Superstar Spike is up and he's gracious and congratulatory and kind and I was like, "Who the hell is this guy?!" Then... then he asks Rainbow Brite a question. It went something like this: "Survivor Nicaragua. There's gonna be a Dumber Than A Bag Of Hammers Award, ok? You have to pick somebody to give it to. It can be one of you three or someone on the Jury. The only caveat is obviously I'm not eligible." *giggles* Jughead falls over in a fit of laughter, Norma is just happy the heat is off of him, and Rainbow Brite stammers out something like, "Well obviously... duh uh duh... it should be... ummm not us... I don't like your question. I call B.S." Then R.B. turns to Dimples and actually asks him if he has to answer the question! *hits floor with hand like that Tickle Me Elmo doll* Dimples gives him a sideways glare and I died. Spike then turns to Norma and I'm already crying again from laughing so hard. He says to Norma, "Sash, you're a cerebral player. Oh Chase, cerebral means 'smart'." *wipes tears from eyes* Dying. Dy-ing! My man Spike came through and just cemented his place in a future All Stars. That was beyond amazing. The best part though were the tweets I got saying "Maybe Colette Lala was right all along about Spike." Darn tootin' I was right you freaks! Spike has been my number one supporter throughout the season and, clearly, it takes one genius to recognize another. Thanks Spike. You rock.


Crazy Pants is up next but Spike is a tough act to follow. She asks some question about game and strategy. Boring boring boring. She's just not the same without Life Coach Clam Shell.


Jungle Jane takes her turn and she's out for blood. She tells Norma his mother raised him good to be a river rat. *bites fist* And then... and then!... she tells him to go back to NYC and crawl back into the black hole he came out of. *clutches sides* To rent Angry Jane for your next Bar Mitzvah, call 1-800-HILLBILLY. She asks the other guys questions too, but it's about giving money to charities and that just bores me to tears. I'll tell you all right now - if I ever win a million dollars I'm giving it all to just one charity. It's called The Justification Of The Beautification Of The Colette Lala. It's basically a scholarship fund for my ass to move to Montevideo or Helsinki - somewhere with a funny name - where I'll spend my days either in a bikini or a Snuggie drinking and my nights hunting for the Talamasca.


Loverboy Benry was pleasantly surprising. He told Rainbow Brite to shut up, called Norma a phony, and congratulated Jughead. Short, sweet, simple.


Mafia Dan gets a turn and I now know for a fact that an untimely hit will take Norma out one night when he's walking home from one of his many many lays with random supermodels. Dan was PISSED! I could see the instruments of torture in the glint of his eyes. When he was done murdering Norma and telling him to get his eye fixed *giggles* he laid into Rainbow Brite blaming him for making everybody bleed. Where was this Dan all season long?! Again, I would have loooooved Evil Dan! I want to cut paper thin slices of garlic with a razor blade with Evil Dan. I want to drink Chianti and set nightclubs on fire with him. Now, there's a guy who can party!


Next up is Insignificant Kelly and she says... You know what? I'm going to do what Survivor should have done and not give her a platform. Same thing goes for Nanook. Quitters don't deserve anymore of my time.


Last up is Alligator Lady Alina. Oh Alina. Alina is getting hyphenated today because she's in trouble. A-lina! What were you thinking? My sister has a theory that A-lina! is still harboring resentment from when Jughead sided with Spike way back in the beginning of the Merge. I don't know if my sister is right, but A-lina! said she wanted a man to win and not a little boy. And then she promptly went and voted for Rainbow Brite. *smacks self in head* A-lina! No no no no! Unacceptable! I think the Alligator Lady was smoking some Nicaraguan peyote back at Ponderosa. That's the only reasoning I can come up with.


We magically fast forward through time and now we're in a studio in California for the big reading of the votes. Jughead got a bad haircut, Rainbow Brite looked odd and grey, and Norma was either bloated or wearing a bulletproof vest underneath his coat and tie. Let's read the votes... FABIO *yes!*... CHASE *no!*... FABIO *woohoo!*... CHASE *gasp*... CHASE *what?!?*... CHASE *searches house for razor blades*... FABIO... *thank god*.... FABIO *tinkle*... FABIO IS THE WINNER OF SURVIVOR NICARAGUA!!!!!!!!!!!!


OK that vote was entirely too close for comfort. There was a point when all the blood drained from my face and I thought I was going to have to announce Chase as the winner. I'd sooner stick my head in an oven. Then again, Sash got ZERO votes. Zero. Z-E-R-O. That's enough to make me want to live forever.


Soooo what did you guys think of last night? What do you think of your winner? What did you think of the season? How great was it that Sash didn't get one single vote? HAHA! Want to come to my house for a Chase Rice record burning party? Comment it out bitches and have a great holiday season and a happy new year!!!


Thank you so much to each and every one of you who came back every week to read my drivel. Super special thanks to Spike and Alina for being lovely, hilarious, and so supportive. I will definitely be back in February for Survivor Redemption Island. Are you kidding me? I wouldn't miss it for the world. If you guys have enjoyed what I've done here this season, please click on my PayPal button on the upper right hand side and show your girl some love. Thanks again everyone and I'll see you in the new year!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Finale Blog

My final post of the season will be up late tomorrow. It's my last blog for a few months so I'm not going to rush it. Also, I'm kind of away from home right now and have to spend the morning driving back. The life of a high price escort...

Please check back Monday in the early evening. I'll send out Facebook and Twitter updates when it's ready.

Thanks bitches!