Tuesday, February 8, 2011

David: Throw Away The Key

David is 31 and hails from that vast Survivor stomping ground known as West Hollywood. A defense attorney, David is convinced that 9 times out of 10 he's always the smartest person in the room. Clearly, he hasn't been in a room with me.

In his quest to make the world a better place, David would like to imprison the stupid and criminalize idiocy. I'd love to hate on that, but the fact that I agree with him makes it next to impossible. I'm sure I can find something else to make fun of him for. Let's watch his video.

Chime the douche bells. Ring those bitches loud and fierce please.

Oh David... I'll ignore that you talk like a stroke victim and focus on the fact that you keep talking about how smart you are. Look, there are 3 things I've learned in life - never dance in a Snuggie on a marble floor, pineapples dipped in chocolate will bring you closer to God, and never ever ever trust anyone who tells you over and over again how smart/pretty/trustworthy they are. Chances are those people lick wallpaper, have hairy moles, and will blackmail their own parents if given the chance. All of this means only one thing of course... David is insecure. A secure person wouldn't try so hard to impress me. Does he think I'm going to like him after acting like such a pompous ass? I'll tell you who's stupid - Mr. David Murphy, that's who! Lock his ass up and throw away the key. The world seems more peaceful already, doesn't it?

I don't like him at all. Not one bit.


  1. ... King, President or a Lawyer??? King or President of what, exactly. This guy is douche-tastic! Yup. Throw away the key... go long!

  2. According to Mr Probst David has one of the highest IQs in Survivor history (don't know if it reflects positively on David or negatively on the rest of the survivors), but - you are so right! - INSECURITY is written all over him.
    Yet if he manages to get an alliance with someone in whose vocabulary the word "insecure" doesn't exist (I am thinking "Russell" at this point) - something quite fruitful might come up from this union. Well, we'll see.

  3. I'm not too sure how Smirky McSmirkeyson here will gel with the other castmates. Arrogant as all get-out I'll bet he doesn't suffer fools gladly. He could be fun to watch if his holier-than-thou bullshit doesn't get him kicked off the first tribal council.


  4. When you said "throw away the key", I assumed you meant because he's OBVIOUSLY just escaped from prison in the 1930s and didn't have time to change out of his prison clothes...so he just cut off his pants and made them into shorts.

    I'm getting a sort of self-proclaimed-diabolical-super-genius vibe from this guy. Where have I seen this before...

  5. Douche Bells ringing loud and clear!!!

    Wow--this guy has Ze-Ro social skills. I couldn't even watch the whole video. I am often fond of the uber-genius-type, yet I have no tolerance for this guy. Only thing good about David is the AWEsome douchie name that Collette will dub him.

  6. Seriously? The three career choices you have are King, President or Attorney?? This guys IQ isn't what he claims it to be if he thinks an Attorney is an alternative career path to the other two. I would have been more likely to believe him if it said "King, President or God".

    I'm thinking this "testing program" was some computer generated career advisor that costs uber bucks to blow smoke up your arse. His parents probably creamed their pants forking over the cashola for that sucka. I'd be willing to put money on the probability that every kid at that school got "King, President, ".

    "I'm so proud of little Ted. He had one of those computer-thingamy whatsits and it said he would be suitable as a "King, President, or serial killer"

  7. Gone by the fourth show.

  8. That better not be a spoiler.

    Spoilers are not allowed on this blog.

  9. Diabolical--you have such a great take on this 'definitive career test'. I was actually thinking of the career test I took when I was in high school--and it told me I could be *anything* I wanted. Doctor, lawyer, and even truck mechanic! --And that was the clue to me that the test didn't mean sh*t. There was no f-ing way this nerd could ever be a mechanic.

    I don't even think it was an expensive test. It was a public high school and they encouraged everyone to take it, at no personal cost. ...just some cheap-o douchie way to boost kids' self-esteem, I guess? --Well, it most certainly had that effect in David's case!! (Hope his parents had to pay for it though!)

  10. I'm getting a sort of self-proclaimed-diabolical-super-genius vibe from this guy. Where have I seen this before...