Thursday, February 24, 2011

You Guys Performed Gallantry-ly

The world of Survivor is a harsh and unforgiving world. Torrential rains, incessant bug bites, poor hygiene, massive egos. It's a place where people eat souls for breakfast and throw their opponents to the lions. Things like "good sportsmanship" and "Christian values" are not welcome in this place where "turn the other cheek" could be your ticket to hell. Survivor is pagan, Mayan, hedonistic... Satanic. Smile and you may find your neighbor bathing in your blood before the day is done. Pray and you're sure to find yourself tied to a spit roasting over an open fire. Shake an innocent hand and you'll find your head - your pretty, luscious, blond head - sitting on a spike on a lonely and desolate island while flies feast on your eyeballs. "Nice" is a four letter word in this jungle of hate - it's offensive, objectionable, obnoxious and outlandish. You have to scrub the niceness from your epidermis in order to succeed in the world of Survivor. Hmmm, I wonder if they have Buf-Puf's on Redemption Island... let's recap, shall we?

We begin our tale of evil under the cover of night on a teeny tiny island off the mainland known as Rhode Island (Redemption Island). Francaressca is the island's sole inhabitant. She's only been there for a few minutes but already she's got a hankering for chowda and talks with an annoying accent. Francappucinoca, perhaps filled with adrenaline and an inexplicable urge to ghosthunt, knows that sleep won't be easy. In fact, sleep may not come at all. Making her way to a "Welcome To Rhode Island" sign, Franczechrepublica reads the brochure and discovers she's to survive on a tiny ration of rice and water and with only the most basic of supplies. Franchoirpractica sighs in response and mumbles that's it ok. It'll all be ok. She has a chance to come back and, hey, in the end this might just be the best thing that's ever happened to her. She's got flint and a no muss no fuss hairdo. As far as Francheesecaka is concerned, she could still win this thing.

Back at Omarion (Ometepe), the weary shell-shocked tribe returns as the most seasoned veteran, Boston Rob, declares that that Tribal Council was the craziest one he's ever been to... ever! Furthermore, Rob knows that both Phillip and Kristina were lying. Their lips were moving and that's proof enough for him. While Rob relies on gut instinct to fuel his opinions, Phillip prefers his commanding officer. Crouching behind a bush listening intently to the radio piece in his ear, Phillip quietly nods in response to something and then whispers indistinctly into an old water bottle with a twig sticking out of it. I think he just received instructions from Langley, but I can't be sure. After carefully hiding the ear piece in his tighty pinkies, Phillip motions to Rob that he'd like a word with him. Rob reclucantly follows him out of the camp and listens while Phillip informs him, "You own my vote." Rob politely smiles and nods as Phillip clicks his heels, salutes and then marches away. Sydney Bristow, eat your heart out.

A new day dawns and with that, a hunger. A hunger so primal and pure the only thing that can satisfy it is a hunt fit for a warrior. Spear in hand, eyes shifty, Phillip has stripped down to his pink loin cloth and is about to confront his enemy - a bright red cantankerous crab with an attitude problem and a length of about 4 inches. Crabs are fidgety sideways creatures. Horizontal in their thinking they tiptoe over rocks back and forth, back and forth, very much like the watch of a hypnotist. Even the most adept of warriors can be rendered dumbstruck by a crab's wiley yet balletic movements. Phillip has prepared for this moment though. He's trained his whole life to take out this enemy - Afghanistan, Pakistan, Tripoli, the east wing of the men's ward at Bellevue. Observing from behind a bush, Pretty Pony (Matt) and his lady friends watch the fearless warrior approach his prey. With one arm raised above his head and the other stretched forward for balance, Phillip takes his aim and hurls his handmade spear through the air. Crabby McCraberson catches the spear in his teeth and spits it back at his opponent. For that, he'll pay. Ohhhh how he'll pay. Unphased by failure, Phillip takes his stance again and I can't decide if he's Kunta Kinte or Christopher Atkins from the fish spearing scene in the Blue Lagoon. Kunta Kinte was black, but Christopher Atkins liked to take two coconuts and pretend he had breasts. It doesn't matter really. All that matters is that the hunter has caught his prey. He has served his country proudly and now he can enjoy that teeny tiny crab leg spread on a cracker. Victory!

Over at Zappa (Zapatera) a very different creature is greeting the day. Rooster Ralph is cock-a-doodle-doing himself into a frenzy. He, too, feels the primal pull of the wild only he chooses to express it as performance art. The tribe claps and approves with smiles and laughter. They like this quirky man with his own built-in sweater. However, a predator lurks in the trees and observes the scene in disgust. It's Lucifer (Russell Hantz) and he is not happy. Like a cheerleader jealous of another cheerleader, Lucifer seethes and blows smoke out of his nose. He doesn't like what he sees at all and decides then and there that Rooster is the dumbest player to ever walk the hallowed grounds of Survivor. You know what, Lucifer? You're a jealous little bitch with a huge insecurity problem and a desperate need to impress people. Will we ever see Ralph's emails on TMZ? Most certainly not, but we saw yours, traitor. You have hearby lost your right to gloat and strut with your peacock feathers in full bloom. More importantly, you've lost my respect.

So, while Lucifer is off trying to collect a harem of people he deems weak and susceptible to mind control - Stephanie and Krista - Rooster is out in the jungle searching for stones cuz, you know, that's what people in the hills of Virginie do. In addition to rocking on the front porch of a questionably structurally sound cabin with a shotgun in your lap, sometimes you just wanna go out and dig for rocks. Rocks can be used for all sorts of things you know. You can heat them up at night to keep your toes warm. You can hammer in a nail with them. You can throw them at people. You can use them to pound dough into submission. Stones are valuable to hill people. It's not like there's a Home Depot down the street or anything so it's perfectly normal for a man masquerading as a rooster to go out and shove the pockets of his overalls chock full o'stones. Only, wouldn't you know it? Underneath an ant covered rock collected by Rooster lies the highly sought after prize Lucifer would skin an innocent child for - the Immunity Idol. Rooster has it and Lucifer is out looking for it. You know, just when I think the world is out of balance and all these natural disasters are just a precursor to the Mayan Prohecy coming true, a beautiful and simple act of justice takes place that makes everything ok again. You can't help but smile to yourself and feel a heaviness lift from your chest when you witness a miracle like that.

Over at Omarion, another miracle is taking place - the miracle of love. Pretty Pony and Mascaroni (Andrea) are making goo-goo eyes at one another and basking in each other's blondeness. I'm calling Andrea "Mascaroni" because have you noticed how after 5 days she still has make-up on? Either she's not washing her face in the sea or that's the most powerful mascara ever in the history of mascara. I'm gonna take a guess that it's Christian Dior SHOW. Have you ever tried their waterproof mascara? Wash your eyes with a pumice stone and you're not getting that shit off. It's awesome! Anyhow, Pretty Pony is telling Mascaroni that he prayed to get put into the "right" alliance. Now, if some guy told me that I'd stifle my giggles and slowly get up and walk away. Not Andrea! She hugs her knees, smiles and invites him to her home in Wisconsin. Butterflies fluttered, a deer ran gaily in the distance and everywhere was happiness. Had this been animated, a squirrel or a chipmunk would have started to sing in that moment. Fairies would have carried a crown of flowers and placed it atop of Mascaroni's head. Hell, they would have put one on Pretty Pony's head too. I mean, come on, not even a fairy can ignore those blond tendrils. Had a dwarf strutted into the scene I wouldn't have been the least bit surprised. It was all very Disney.

And, what do you suppose every Disney movie needs? A villain - a killer of love if you will. Boston Rob is that killer. He sees Pretty Pony and Mascaroni giggling under their rainbow and he's not pleased. It's not that he's jealous like Lucifer was over at Zappa. Rob is more tactical than that. He looks upon the twosome as more than a love match. He looks at them as a "pair" in the game and he knows exactly how powerful a pair can be. He did it himself with his now wife and mother of his children Amber. A pair is a threat to his game so he begins to devise a plan to crush the burgeoning love affair into nothing more than a bloody pulp with a few blonde hairs sticking out of it. *shivers*

Rob puts his plan into action by deciding that Natalie might be a good person for him to team up and go to the end with. She's kind of weak, not too bright and a lot giggly. He'll literally have to carry her on his back to the end, but it might be a worthwhile sacrifice to make in the name of a million dollars. The Survivor Svengali thinks that maybe Phillip or Pretty Pony should be the next person to go home. The thought of losing either one makes me sad as I've grown to appreciate the absolute neverending wealth of material those two can give me.

Now we arrive at the big Immunity/Reward Challenge. The first order of business is for Ralph to give back the Immunity statue. He kisses it goodbye, hands it over to Dimples and says, "I'll get it back." Stephanie giggles and says, "See you tonight!" All this flagrant vocalizing of assured victory from Zappa is pumping up Phillip's inner animal. It's growling and clawing at his intestines just barking to get out. He shouts with his dry mouth, "I will outlast any man over there!" Dimples asks about the women. Phillip replies that he'll save them for another day. Then he stopped, dropped, rolled and started shooting (with his finger) at an invisible enemy in the trees. I think it was the Predator. I'm not sure. All I know is that in that moment I was confused and delighted all at the same time. I wrapped myself in the kerfluffle of emotions that Phillip ingnites in me like a warm blanket on a cold night. Lovely.

Alright so here's how it's gonna go down: Teams have to swim out to a platform, climb to the top, smash a tile and retrieve a key. Once you've retrieved all five keys, one person will use those keys to open a box and retrieve a ball. The remaining two tribe members will use that ball to break five tiles. The first tribe to break all the tiles wins Immunity. In addition, they win a basket full of fishing gear. As Zappa has one extra member, they decide to sit out David. Survivors ready, go!

Grant and Steve go flying into the water with Grant practically bumping into the wall on his dive. They both grab their keys and Ashley and Sarita take off next. Ashley smashes and grabs like a champ while Sarita struggles to keep her bikini bottom on and does the side stroke across the pool allowing Omarion to gain a nice lead. Pretty Pony has already reached the wall and is well on his way to smashing his tile before Julie even dives off her platform. Pretty Pony passes the baton to Mascaroni. She catches a glimpse of his glistening pecs coming out of the water and promptly belly flops into the pool. It's ok Mascaroni. Sparkly pony pecs will do that to a girl.

Both Julie and Mascaroni get their keys with Omarion keeping their one key lead. Next is Lucifer and Boston Rob battling it out like veterans do. They claw their way up the walls like spider monkeys with a mission. Mike is up last for Zappa while over at Omarion Rob has passed the final key on to Natalie. All she has to do now is unlock some locks. Girlfriend has no luck with those keys because Omarion catches up within seconds and now Stephanie is also working on her locks. Stephanie gets her box open before Natalie giving Ralph a one toss lead over Phillip. Phillip finally gets his ball and proceeds to throw it at the imaginary tiles in between the real tiles. Over and over again we should be hearing smashes, but instead we're hearing bounces. While over at Zappa, Rooster is a throwing and smashing machine! Smash! Smash! Smash! Meanwhile Phillip has fashioned a bunker out of twigs and leaves and is hiding behind it as he proceeds to shoot his balls into the woods at the Predator again. Eventually the Predator moves by the tiles and, out of sheer luck, Phillip begins to smash some and catch up to Rooster. Both "gentlemen" have four tiles smashed and now it's just a matter of will, strength and whether or not the Predator will choose to wander over to the last tile left. Alas, he does not and ZAPPA WINS IMMUNITY AND REWARD!!!

The Zappa tribe jumps up and down in celebration and out of the sad depressed cloud of Omarion emerges and blond tanned Christian. It's Pretty Pony and he wants to shake the hand of the winning team. *smacks forehead* Oy vey. Nail meet coffin. Boston Rob watches puzzled as a member of his own tribe is congratulating his mortal enemies. While Rob is trying to figure out what the hell just happened to his tribe, Lucifer is over on his tribe scurrying to gather up the reward basket before anyone else can get to it and the clue that's most likely waiting inside it. The clue to nothing... ahahaha!!!

OK so Zappa enters their camp and in the basket he's carrying, Lucifer can see the Immunity Idol clue coming out of one of the flippers - ooops I mean, fleeepers. So Lucifer pockets the clue thinking he's uber stealthy and whatnot when, in reality, Rooster has just witnessed the entire scene. Rooster does what any smart Rooster would - he tells the rest of his tribe that Lucifer took the daggum clue out of the daggum basket yet neglecting to tell them that he has already found the Idol himself. That's how it's done. Secret secret, keep that shit a secret! Meanwhile, Lucifer grabs his concubines, Stephanie and Krista, and is off to show them the Idol clue in privacy. Mike gets word of how Lucifer hid the clue in his pants and marches off to see why Lucifer is being so sneaky. Mike wants a chunk of that clue pie too!

Mike approaches the coven of misfits and the conversation is immediately changed from where the clue is to how much Sarita sucked in the challenge. That is, until Rooster approaches. Rooster goes right up to Lucifer and asks him where the clue is. Lucifer crosses his arms and tries to deny the clue's existence. Besides the fact that Rooster knows he's lying, Lucifer is just hands down a terrible liar. His inner urge to gloat will always get the best of him. That's what happened with the whole TMZ thing - he just wanted to brag. Pride. The one thing Lucifer will never conquer in his life is pride. I find myself saying this every season he's on and every season I'm right. He never learns and that's why he'll never win. It's as simple as that.

But this drama isn't over yet cowboys and cowgirls, this drama is just beginning. *claps hands* Lucifer knows he's in a tight spot so he's adjusts his tactic a little bit. Denial didn't work for him so next he tries to reason with Rooster. He says, "Calm down now. This is how the game is played." And then, like a broken record, we hear his trademark line, "You're either with me or against me." Ooooh we're really scared! I'm shakin' in my shoes now. *makes a 'W' with fingers* Whatever! Rooster says the clue belongs to everyone not just Lucifer. He says a bunch of other stuff too but it's real country. I mean, it's like craaazy country - can't understand a word of it. Rooster asks him again if he has the Idol and, again, Lucifer says no. Rooster says ok and goes in for a fist pump. Lucifer gives him the pump but then says, "I don't like how you comin' at me." And with that, the rivalry of my dreams is born. It's going to be a Lucifer/Rooster showdown and I don't know about you, but I'm Team Rooster. *takes out banjo and begins playing*

Let's take a little break and whisk ourselves off to Rhode Island, shall we? Francrumbcesca has just found her luxury item in a woven basket on the outskirts of town. I always wondered what happened to the luxury items of Survivor yesteryear. I guess we now know. They're put into a basket that looks like a snake would be charmed out of. Mystery solved. So, Franchillyesca's luxury item is a journal. Now she can jot down her innermost thoughts and perhaps even some Survivor poetry. Roses are red, Violets are blue, My name is Francesca, Fuuuck you. Franclubsodaesca seems happy in the little home she's made. She dreads the idea of having to share it with someone and doesn't mind being all alone on her little island. I think I'd be like that too. Like, you know when you watch those prison shows and the really bad people are in Ad-Seg (administrative segregation = solitary confinement)? To me, were I to ever end up in prison (for the crime of being too fabulous), that would be ideal. Why would I want to be mixed in with the general population where someone could totally punch me or pull my hair? No thank you! I'd much prefer a room of my own with my own bathroom and daily room service. That's how I'd roll in lock up. *beats on chest and flashes gang sign*

Back at Omarion, Phillip has found his imaginary podium and it's time once again for Pre-Tribal Council. This, of course, is when Phillip debriefs the troops and tries to weave a magical web of reverse psychology over the tribe. It's only day 5, but the tribe has come to expect this of Phillip. They figure they'll just indulge the poor guy and then he can go off and play with the Predator some more. It's much easier than making a fuss. I totally get it. I used to pick fights with anyone who said something stupid, but now I'm all grown up and it's like, "I'd rather just watch Gossip Girl, 'kay? I'm not in the mood to fight." I'm totally mature now, can't you tell? So Phillip says something about the tribe playing gallantry-ly and I immediately penned a letter to Oxford Dictionary requesting that "Gallantry-ly" is added to next year's edition. I'm pretty sure it will be. It's a classic.

Now, there's no question that Phillip is the reason Omarion lost the challenge, but there's also no question that Pretty Pony is playing a pretty decent social game so far. He's pretty, he's nice, he's likable, he's young - Rob might not be able to compete with that in the end and he knows it. He was willing to let it slide though - at least for a few more weeks. Pretty Pony fucked it all up though when he went and shook Zappa's hand. Let's ask ourselves why Pretty Pony did that. Was it really because it's a Christian thing to do or was it all for show and to get a little air time? My gut tells me that no guy who looks like that can be the good little Christian that he claims to be. He's the spitting image of Charlie Hunnam and if there's one thing Charlie is, it's a panty dropper. I have a sneaking suspicion that Pretty Pony is up to his elbows in poontang back at home and isn't that like the fifth commandment or something - Thou shalt not be up to your elbows in poontang? I went to Catholic school for 12 years. I'm sure I'm right about this one.

Meanwhile Kristina is taking no chances this time around. She's buffing her Immunity Idol 'til it shines and putting that bitch around her neck now. She has no choice but to play it and she seems like she's ok with it for the most part. She asks Phillip if he's worried and he says he's not. He's always wanted to go to Rhode Island - high crime rate, lots of dunes to hide behind. That's like Six Flags to a man like Phillip.

On the beach Rob is meeting with Grant and Ashley talking about the Pretty Pony problem. It's crazy that they're in this position so early in the game, but they that decide that Pretty Pony is a person that needs to be disposed of asap. As far as Pretty Pony and Mascaronie are concerned, Phillip is going home. As far as Phillip is concerned, he's supposed to wait for the cue at Tribal Council and then recieve for further instructions. *laughs* You have to admit that was kind of a genius move on Rob's part. Telling Phillip to wait for the secret message is just sooooo Phillip! It's perfect! Deal with crazy with some more crazy. If I was out there I'd be giving Phillip all sorts of secret missions to carry out when really I'd just be having him fill my canteen when I was too lazy to do it myself. I'd plant it in his head that maybe the government got him on Survivor. Can you imagine? Oh my god, that would be so much fun!

And now we arrive at Tribal Council. It starts out innocent enough. Kristina talks about the Idol a little and then Dimples turns his attention to Phillip. He asks Phillip about the animal within him and we are treated to a guided tour of Phillip's body. It turns out Phillip wasn't lying when he said he had an animal inside him. In fact, he has two! The gorilla and the lion. Someone get Aesop on the horn. The gorilla is scrappy and would be beaten up by other gorillas if he performed as poorly as Phillip did. But the lion is the king of jungle and eats Christians for sport. There's a story there somewhere. I'm not sure what it is, but I think at the end Jason Bourne swims away and Julia Stiles is happy about it. All I know is Dimples, as well as myself, is enchanted by Phillip. Time to vote...

If anyone would like to play the hidden... "I'm playing it Jeff! I'm playing it!" Man, did a lot of people on Twitter get pissed that Kristina interrupted Dimples last night. LOL I didn't see it that way though. I saw it like that thing was burning her neck itching to get off and bitch didn't want to waste one more second with her safety in jeopardy. I thought it was funny. The Immunity Idol literally hurled itself off of her chest and into Dimples' hands. Love it!

Unfortunately, we have to say goodbye to love now as Pretty Pony is the 2nd person voted out of Survivor: Redemption Island. I don't think this will be last we see of Pretty Pony though. Clearly, he'll kick Franconquistadora's ass in the duel and who knows? Maybe he'll just keep winning. What do you guys think? How did you feel about last night's elimination? Are you Team Lucifer or Team Ralph? Has your opinion of Phillip changed? Will Matt being voted out unleash Andrea's inner Banshee? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

I'm also back blogging The Amazing Race again so please check out the Bitchy Amazing Race Blog if you're interested. CBS is reairing the premiere episode - which was actually pretty good - again on Saturday at 8 pm.


  1. I'm for Team Ralph,
    That crafty hillbilly is keeping one eye on Lucifer and the other on his hidden moonshine. Love that you are posting Lala, I discovered you last year and read you all the time now.

  2. I know Lucifer pisses folks off, I just love him because he's going to do things his way, no matter what. Sure it's going to get him kicked out before the merge, but you have to admit he kicked some life into Survivor. His ego will get him again, but that's just the way some folks are wired.

    As for Bawston Wab, it's hilarious that folks completely forget all the shady things he's done in the previous 19 seasons he's been on Survivor.
    There's no doubt he'll make the merge, if not the finals. Hopefully SOMEONE will finally remember his past and not simply award the mill "just because".

    Every time I think of Hillbilly Boy the thought of Pulp Fiction runs through my head. Is he the Gimp, or one of the rednecks in the basement? I like Ralph and hope he wins it, but I thought the producers were going to make it harder to find the idols??? The only thing easier they could have done is put up a big neon sign with an arrow pointing to it.

    All in all, it looks like a decent season coming up. The sheeps will follow Wab until the end, and some coaster will win it all. Sound familiar, Sandra???

  3. I haven't watched every season of Survivor, so I really wasn't that familiar with Rob til HvV. And then I was pretty unimpressed. But last night...what he was able to pull off...getting everyone to vote exactly the way he wanted, getting the person he wanted out, AND getting the idol out of Kristina's hands...I was in awe. The fact that he's played 873 times and never won is pure tragedy. He's really impressed me so far.

    Also I can't wait to see the crazy hillbilly fight that is sure to go down between Russell and Ralph. I imagine it'll just be a big ball of dust and red hair, with legs and arms flailing, and the occasional "daggum" flying everywhere.

  4. Francescaroni has no chance again Pretty Pony. He will whoop her ass in abour 2 secs flat. As far as Team Rooster or Team Russell I am team Russell. Rooster was just as sneaky (if not more) as Russell by calling Russell out on the clue and not coming out and saying that he himself has the idol. He commented that the clue was for the whole tribe well then that must mean that the whole tribe should be privy to the information that his hick ass has already found it right? I am not a fan of Rooster he annoys me but Phillip annoys me more. He is such a douche! "Uh excuse me I am a former Federal Agent..." blah blah blah, WHO CARES!! Dude seriously needs to get over himself. Maybe he thinks if he says it enough he will believe it himself. I think it was stupid to vote out pretty pony they should have voted out Kristina. I can't stand that bitch. But now that they have flushed the idol she is no longer safe. Obviously she could find it again but I don't think she's that smart or savvy for that to happen to her twice.

  5. I'm Team Whoever-Masterminds-Getting-Rid-of-Rob. I can't stand that kid. Ya he's able to get people to do what he wants them to do but that's only because he's surrounded by simpering idiots.

    I hope Lucifer gets his comeuppance. Pride goeth before the fall.

  6. THANK YOU for giving TAR another go!

    How 'bout that 'signal' to Phillip at tribal council...the best. I enjoyed the game.

  7. Rob just has a weak (not physically, but rather mentally) starstruck tribe that reenforces his overinflated opinion of himself. But based on his previous seasons - once things stop going his way he becomes a wimpy paranoid crybaby. Actually some elements of paranoia were behind his decision to send Matt keep Frandeska company. Why Matt, a strong, good at challenges young guy on a tribe that lost twice in a row? If it were to break up a potential couple, I would at least somewhat understand (even that, I think, is too early in the game), but Rob seemed to be rubbed the wrong way by the fatal handshake more than by anything else. Or maybe he with his beer belly was envious of Matt's chiseled pecs and golden locks? :)

  8. I am Team Russell all the way. And - I am with Alli on Whoever-Masterminds-Getting-Rid-of-Rob Team.
    But I think Ralph might go far in the game of "Survivor" - many men whose names begin with "R" do, beginning with Richard Hatch.

  9. I'm Team Sir Clucks-a-lot (Ralph). I think it was a nice use of strategery to call Russell out on the idol. "I don't like how you're coming at me", lol, getting exposed is never fun, is it?

    What should (and probably won't) happen soon: Someone's balls should grow 3 sizes Grinch-style and take out Russell. Then the other tribe seeing this conspire to take out Boston Rob (who I actually like), setting up a Redemption Island showdown. Am I the only one who wants to see that? Alas, I think some of the castaways are star struck and aren't thinking clearly. I definitely wouldn't want to be dealing with them both post-merge. I understand it might hurt some of the entertainment value for a couple weeks...but I think a Rob or Russell back from Redemption with a deeper hatred in their hearts and a lust for revenge would make up for it.

    Francheezyfosheezy might be the underdog in the first RI showdown against Matt, but you never know.

  10. Team Russel. It would suck if he fails now. Ive done too much arguing on survivor forums against all the russel haters for him to get fucked over by a retarded hill billy who found an idol with dumb luck. Plus russel is more entertaining.

    As for releasing spoilers, who cares. If you don't want to know them, don't read them...simple as that. It certainly does not make him a traitor. And the end, it doesn't even matter. People watch the show regardless.

  11. It always makes me laugh when people slam Lucifer for being so untrustworthy in Survivor, and then pull for Bawston Wab, Sandra, et all.

    Credit to Dimples from his blog:

    This is a first. Russell is not in control. In fact, the joke is on Russell. I’m guessing that most of you love seeing Russell not in control. He has a clue to the idol but doesn’t yet know that Ralph already has the idol. He’s wasting his time.

    For me though, the most interesting aspect of this moment was Mike’s comment about Russell:
    Mike: “He’s the most untrustworthy person in this game.”

    This comment came as Russell was sharing the clue with the two girls in his alliance, Stephenie and Krista. If you think about it, Russell is no less trustworthy than anyone else. He’s playing Survivor. He has an alliance and he immediately shared the clue with them. From their point of view, Russell is completely trustworthy.

    Mike: If we’re in this together, then show me the clue.”

    You’re not in this together Mike. You’re in a different alliance. Would you show Russell the clue?

    It’s an interesting thing that often happens on Survivor. You justify your ethics. It’s okay when YOU lie because you’re playing the game. When someone ELSE lies, they’re a scumbag.

    If Mike thinks he can survive this game without lying to someone… he is in for a shock. Lying is okay on Survivor. It’s called “outwit” and it’s a huge part of the game

    Thanks Dimples!

  12. Team Ralph. Russell keeps acting like he's a Survivor pro, but he -still- doesn't get why he's never won. In his mind he's the best, and if his track record doesn't reflect that it's just because Survivor is broken. Interesting that he doesn't seem to be taking into account that other players have seen his game this time and know what to expect...

    I wonder if Survivors ever pack on a few pounds in anticipation of starving for the next month? And also... why the hell -aren't- they using hot stones at night to keep their feet warm?

    Awesome recap as always, thank you!

  13. Wow! A fan of Russel's thinks that giving up spoilers in OK? That breaking your "word" legally and morally is just fine? You pretty much have to be made of that kind of weak moral fiber to support someone like Russel. Gee, you weren't by chance a George W supporter were you? My favorite moment of episode 2 was watching the unmistakable fear in Russel's beady little eyes after Ralph called his ass OUT! go Ralph! One last thought, I am bored to death of watching Boston Bob and Lucifer. They are perennial losers and I am over them. There are thousands of people out there dying to play the game not 3 of 4 times but just ONCE. OK, yes, what Boston Bob pulled off at tribal was pure genius but just imagine how great he'll be in his TENTH season! Actually I have a feeling that someday Boston Bob may take Probst's place.....

  14. Not if Probst blind sides Boston rob first!!! Seriously funny lol. I got a hunch that Boston Rob is gonna carry Phillip. If you think about it, he needs the strength for physical challenges, and no one likes Phillip, so he is the perfect person to leave in the game...

  15. LaLa, I love this!!! I just have one question: SAS, aka Philip, is a "Former Federal Agent"... OK, of which agency? DO we know? Was he a TSA Agent; checking "Junk" at the Airport? Perhaps he was a Tour Guide at a State Park... or maybe he was involved, in some tangential way, to a law enforcement agency... MIB, perhaps?

  16. "Retarded hillbilly?" Really? Russell is the only one that actually believes he's a mastermind, there is nobody else that stoopit.

    Now, I feel sorry for you defending that POS on Survivor forums, but free will is like that. There are people addicted to crack too, I can't help them either. How anyone can defend that idiot defies logic.

    And yes, I await the tussle between Ralph and that troll, finally, I'll get to see someone drown that twerp in the lagoon! I'll let you in on a little secret, hillbillies NEVER forget! It's the code of the hills!

    Phillip makes me laugh, and cry at the same time. Laugh at the idiotic shit that comes out of his mouth, cry when I consider the fact this dumbass actually might have been a government agent tasked with protecting this country. If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, you're just not paying attention.

    Hopefully, there are a few folks on "Bawstin Rubbs" tribe that has an IQ higher than their shoe size, and they'll devise a simple, yet elegant way to throw out the perennial loser.

    And I just know Ralph is gonna find a coil, and a big fucking pot (and something that can be "cooked down") to make some Redemption Island "shine." Oh, how much fun would that be??

  17. I get this crazy feeling when I watch Phillip. The feeling that I'm watching an improv actor, the feeling that CBS has planted this improv actor and given him the Federal Agent back story along with his pink skivvies and simply told him to act as if he just escaped from Shutter Island and paddled his stainless steel briefcase over to Redemption Island. I get this feeling but then I start to realize that Survivor would lose serious credibility if something like that ever came out...ya know if Russel started emailing strangers about it or something. But really, can there actually be a REAL Phillip out there? He is so delusional and narcissistic that he makes Coach look grounded and cool-headed, like someone you'd like to have a beer with ya know? Actor or not I hope he stays around long enough to have a heart to heart with Ralph. That will be rich. By the way, what's with the "?" after Federal Agent???


  18. Why does Phillip prance around in his pink manties when he has a bathing suit. They're going to get stretched out and then... He needs a pair of those combination boxer/briefs.

  19. Russell: I like(d) him, but this Season, something about him is different. Something I can't quite put my finger on. But I don't like it- perhaps it's the fact that he hasn't learned and thinks he can come on the show and play the game the same damn way that he played previously AND STILL WIN.

    The Human Sweater: I can't understand but maybe every third word out of his mouth. They need to subtitle everything he says, as I don't speak hick. At least he admits that he's a "dumbass". If I can get to understanding him, I MAY be able to laugh at some of the shit he does.

    The "Former Federal Agent?": Just UGH. I recognize that some people find that he adds "comedic value" to the show, but I can't get past the idiot factor. He's SO FUCKING STUPID and it drives me nuts. Get him *out*.

    Boston Rob: Love him. Love him, love him, love him. I don't care what anyone says- he KNOWS how to play people and he's damn good at it. I understand why he got rid of Pretty Pony, but I'm not convinced it was the best choice... I feel like he should have gone with Andrea. Either way, he knew that he needed to break the two of them up.

    Kristina: Before the show started, I thought she had potential. Now, after seeing the stupid shit she pulled with the idol, trying to pull Neanderthal Phillip in... just no. No. Get her ass the fuck out of there. You're an idiot.

    Now, someone who has got little mention in all the blogs I read and on the show is David. I think if he can reign in the cocky, he will do well. He's smart, he seems like he could be super schemey, and like myself, he HATES idiots.

    Thanks for the great blog, Lala.

  20. Lala, holy FUCK, you are hilarious. For both our sakes, I hope Phillip goes to the end (doubtful) just so I can continue reading your colorfully sassy commentary on his antics, and you can keep writing on them.

    Either way though, love this and this season. Funny factor is high. Keep it up!

  21. I see Jax every time too!