Thursday, April 21, 2011

Racial About Rice




Wang Chung Kung Fu is the most highly developed branch of martial arts. Dating all the way back to 1983, the most adept and open-minded individuals are chosen to study this ancient art of combating not only one-hit wonders, but Eastern-inspired rattan and leather armoires named Julie. The Wang Chung Kung Fu practitioner must not only train his heart, spirit and mind, but he must be able to pair skinny ties with pleated pants in appealing fashions. After years of meditation, body alignment and making fetching feathered caps using only a wayward sparrow and some twine is the warrior ready to leave the dojo and be a man. His ability to blend into his environment makes it extremely difficult to anticipate his approach, but when he does attack (by leaping in jaunty circles) your best method of defense is to do nothing at all. Wang Chung Kung Fu is a nonviolent hallucination that, sadly, only the practitioner is aware of. No one ever gets hurt and no punches are ever thrown. It's a neurological conflict that takes place when someone forgets to turn down their thorazine drip at night. So while Wang Chung Kung Fu is indeed rare and highly specialized, simply call your local mental health facility and someone will come forthwith to remove the crazy person wearing your underwear and spearing your goldfish. Let's recap, shall we?



























We continue this increasingly boring Nicaraguan tale on Rhode Island (Redpemtion Island). A sad and forlorn pony is no longer happy with his circumstances. What was once light and fluffy is now dismal and bleak. His God has blessed him with lovely cascading flaxen locks of spun gold and a rippling rock hard tum-tum of tan-ness, but still the pony grieves. In the still of the night, Pretty Pony (Matt) closes his eyes and asks God what in the sam hell is he supposed to do now? He's not happy here on Rhode Island anymore. He's done everything Jesus has asked, but nothing is going according to plan. Maybe it's for the best that he goes home instead and serves his Savior that way. Once he is sparkly and clean and back at school studying Medicinery and Christiagraphy he'll regain his focus and be able to spread the word of the lord much more effectively. But here, on Rhode Island, he feels so useless, so ineffectual, so broken. He continues to beg God, out loud and on camera, to set him free and let him prance with the other ponies, but God replies only how God knows how to reply - with another mystery. Out of the darkness enters Lawyer Dave who announces himself as, "Murphy. David Murphy." Is that like Bond. James Bond.? Grrreat. We have another covert agent to keep an eye on now. Well, let's hope this new one drinks lots of martinis and bangs hot chicks rather than using his own urine as invisible ink to send letters back to Langley. Lawyer Dave and Pretty Pony begin to discuss the upcoming duel and in doing so they rouse that afterthought of a player, Mike, out of his slumber. Together the three decide that a duel must be imminent. A three person duel isn't the norm - on Rhode Island or in Ancient Capua - but sometimes it must be done. So, like Crixus and Spartacus chopped off the head of Theokoles, I hope that Lawyer Dave and Pretty Pony will chop off the head of Mike. I mean, let's be honest, he'd be just as talkative without a head as he would be with one.





Back at Murlonio it's time for some breakfast. The remaining Zappas (Zapateras) are enjoying a meal of rice and fish while off in a corner a giant man begins to burble. With a sewing needle, thread and a brand spanking new feather, Phillip is talking to himself in the only language he understands - gibberish. "Ah homina homina homina inda guru nana flata enchilada empanada ixnay on the upidstay aussie aussie aussie oy oy oy." The Cuddler (Steve) looks around the camp self consciously wondering if anyone else is witnessing the same mental breakdown he's witnessing. To his surprise no one is batting an eyelash. Mascaroni (Andrea) is dutifully doing her chores, Tattalie (Natalie) is taking copious notes in her little notebook and Assley (Ashley) is busying herself with being useless. Oh sure, a man is sitting in a beach chair surrounded by 20 or so dead hummingbirds and knitting himself a feathered shawl, but that's status quo for Murlonio. Nothing to see here. Just go about your day. The Cuddler scratches his head and wonders if maybe he can get some Omarions (Ometepes) to open their eyes and see that Gary Busey himself has infiltrated their camp. It's the only chance he and his Zappas have of sticking around in this game.







So while The Cuddler is figuring out a way to stay alive, Wang Chung Kung Fu master Phillip sits on the side of a cliff and meditates. "Benzo oooloo gaftoo, oooh la, oooh la, rah rah, ah ah ah, roma roma ma, gaga oh la la, want your bad romance." It turns out in addition to being a member of the Subway Sandwich Club and a high scorer on Ms. Pac-Man, Phillip Shephard is also a lifelong student of Buddhism. If there's one thing that Buddhism teaches you, other than that your mother could have been that spider you just flushed, it's that your spirit is interconnected to every single living thing including the Tathagata. Oh phooey! There's no way in hell I'm connected to Gwyneth Paltrow and you can never ever ever convince me otherwise. The Tathagata, however, is the name the Buddha gives himself in scriptures. According to Phillip, the Tathagata can manifest as anything. You just have to be open to receiving it and recognizing it for what it is. For Phillip, the Tathagata is any feather he can find. Whether he's in the feather section at Michael's or at a cock fight in someone's basement, those feathers are manifestations of God and must be immediately made into hats. Once his Buddha feathers are made into charming chapeaux, Phillip can speak with his ancestor Jesspum (last week it was Jessup) Harring and discover how to proceed in the game. This week Jessica told him that his bond with Rob is one of truth and honor. Then he said something about a circle of trust and I wondered to myself how many times Phillip has actually seen Meet The Parents. I'm thinking it runs on a constant loop along with Hot Shots! and Austin Powers The Spy Who Shagged Me.



Back at camp, a crotchety ole leather boot strap is hungry. Julie is very excited by how much rice the Zappas have left so she's decided, along with The Cuddler, that they should eat as much of it as possible. Did you ever see that movie Alive? A soccer team crashes in the Andes mountains, sees a plane fly overhead and assumes they're getting rescued. Without thinking about how long it may take for rescuers to reach them, they go ahead and eat all of the very little food they had available to them. In the end, they ending up eating each other - literally - they eat each other! Look, all I'm saying is that when you're stuck in a situation where food isn't the least bit plentiful, it might not be the best idea to shove your entire inventory down your leathery trap. If the Zappas eat all of their rations now, the Omarions will be forced to devour Julie and I'm thinking she tastes a little bit like stale beef jerky and a broom handle.






Phillip, hiding in a foxhole he dug right next to the campfire, peeks out and begins to mark in his mud wall exactly how many scoops of rice Julie eats. Once he has all of his intel, he races over to Rob to report his findings. Why does Julie get seven scoops when he only gets two?!? First off, I saw his bowl during the crispy rice fiasco. Phillip did not have two scoops. He had an entire bowl. Secondly, he's one of the main culprits in insisting that the Zappas keep to themselves and don't mix with the Omarions. He drew that line in the sand last week and refused to even entertain the idea of a conversation with them. You can't have it both ways Phillip. Either you chat with the Zappas and let them sleep under your tarp when it rains or you ignore them and forfeit your right to their rice. It's as simple as that. Of course, if a feather showed up at the bottom of the cooking pot, we might have to have another conversation about how Jessplo, from beyond the grave, wants you to have that rice. But, until that happens, shut your trap and stop being a little tattle tale bitch like Tattalie.







And this brings us to Rhode Island where the entire Mauritania tribe (that's Murlonio according to Phillip) is there to witness the duel. Pretty Pony, Mike and Lawyer Dave are marched in for all the crowd to see. Right out of the gate, Pretty Pony says, "I never knew strangers could hurt me so deeply." *sniffle sniffle* Tissue please. I don't like to see my pony sad. I want to see him shiny and resplendent not bitter and resentful. I wanted to explore this new downtrodden side of my pony some more, but Dimples stormed ahead and went right on explaining how the duel is going to happen. Each player will be given 150 wooden tiles to build a house of cards. The first two to reach 8 feet will stay alive. The loser is out for good and becomes the first member of the Jury. Upon hearing this, Pretty Pony smirks and lifts his chin to the Omarions looking on. It was subtle, but it was there. A teeny tiny hint of pride and smartassness eeked out and we now know that if Pretty Pony gets put on the Jury, he won't vote for the best player, he'll vote for whomever didn't do him wrong. Well, Philip has one vote I guess. Survivors ready, go.







Lawyer Dave, the mayor of Legoland, takes his time building a structure that will stand up to gale force winds and possible hurricanes. Mike, on the other hand, just makes one wooden box on top of another and before we know it, he's already at 6 feet with Pretty Pony about a foot behind him. I quickly became very nervous for Lawyer Dave and started hurling dominoes and chess pieces at my tv screen. As the governor of Checkertown, I expected Lawyer Dave to smoke those other guys! Instead he was making sure his design was earthquake proof and wouldn't leak radiation. While I appreciate the thoughtfulness, just build the damn thing already!






Stack, stack, stack, build, build, build. Mike has one more level to complete but comes dangerously close to knocking down his entire structure. After repeated tries and leathery queefs from that motorcycle jacket Julie, MIKE STAYS ALIVE!!! We're now down to Pretty Pony and Lawyer Dave and I'm struggling a little bit with whom I want to stay in the game. On the one hand, it's the pony. On the other hand, Lawyer Dave talks shit to Phillip. I couldn't decide so I covered my eyes and hoped that Mike would maybe, fingers crossed, get struck by a bolt of lightening. Sadly, that didn't happen and PRETTY PONY STAYS ALIVE!!! Bummer. I'm sad to see Lawyer Dave go at this point in the game. He was one of our last hopes for some solid game play. Personally, I think the title of "Puzzle Master" was a curse. I don't know if he gave it to himself or if someone on his tribe gave it to him. All I know is that when he returns to Parcheesiville, his head will be hanging low and the citizens will be hurling dice at his cranium. Godspeed Lawyer Dave. Hopefully, we'll see you back in another season.







After the big duel, the tribe returns to camp and it's rice time! The Omarions are so stoked to eat their rice that they sing a little ditty while Phillip's limbs flail akimbo and we all get a peek at his ball sack. Mascaroni heads to the rice urn to begin cooking only to discover that what was once rice is now maggots! Uh oh... there are vampires in the tribe now. Michael, Michael, Michael... Clearly, Kiefer Sutherland showed up when everyone was gone and turned the lo mein into worms and the rice into maggots. The last fire will rise, behind those eyes, black house will rock, blind boys don't lie... Jami Gertz wasn't the only one all upset about it. Phillip was furious! After Mascaroni painstakingly separated the maggots from the rice, she wanted to store the remainder of their diseased rice in the Zappas urn. Now, I'm not a fan of the Zappas at all, but I'm with The Cuddler on this one. No fucking way are you putting your maggot rice into my urn. Maggots are born from eggs and while I'm sure Mascaroni did a bang up job pulling out the maggots themselves, there's no way she got out all of the microscopic eggs. Phillip thinks this sort of negative response from the Zappas is very telling and now he's somehow seen inside of their blackened evil souls as a result. No, you dumbass! Wouldn't an agent of the government have some sort of forensic knowledge about maggots? They didn't crawl into the leaky urn. They were born there!





So now Phillip Sheppard is very angry with how the Zappas refuse to help him save his rice. They're being unreasonable, they're blatantly breaking the rice law of the land and, if he could, he'd build an underground prison and arrest them for breaking Article 6 Section 2 of the Constitution Of The United States and the rice pinky swear. The Cuddler questions Phillip as to why he didn't ask to share the urn earlier before dumping the rice on a filthy towel. Phillip doesn't want to hear anything like questions and logic and reasoning. Instead, he wants to claim everything in that camp that he has a right to use. Oh sure, the Zappas can't sleep in the shelter or share the pillows or sleep under the tarp or cross the line in the sand, but Phillip is allowed to put his meaty paws on everything whenever and however he wants. Tattalie loaned him a whole gross of Post-It notes and now he's going to go around and label everything as his own. As soon as the Zappas leave their urn alone, Phillip will steal it, smack a Post-It on it and never again will the Zappas will be able to use it. Well, according to The Cuddler, that's all just crazy talk.








Phillip hears the word "crazy" on the wind and that teeny tiny brass diary key that was holding the lunacy part of his brain tightly shut breaks apart and a whole lot of verbal diarrhea leaks out... "I'm a very reasonable person to deal with. I know I am [a lunatic]. That's the one thing you never want to forget with me. You need to keep that in your mindset. That's your perception. Anytime somebody of a uh uh uh of uh my color gets up in one of your faces then you feel like I'm crazy." That's verbatim right there. Undoctored Phillip Sheppard. The man who stalks the Predator, the man who uses tiny seashells for earpieces, the man who radios to Goose whenever he has a private moment has just turned the word "crazy" into an all out Survivor race war. Rob and Grant listen from a distance and gasp in horror. Mascaroni crosses her arms, puts her head down and quietly walks away, Assley continues to pick the nits out of her armipts and The Cuddler replies lazily while lying supine in his shelter. I kind of love that he didn't even bother to stand up to argue with Phillip. Meanwhile, Phillip was beating on his chest saying, "Wang Chung Kung Fu expert right here!" Whatever Phillip. It's time for your Depakote.








What I'm more interested in is how Phillip, the filler of stereotypes, then proceeded to tell Survivor's 7 million or so viewers that all black men eventually self destruct and then go out and shoot stuff. With his finger he bang, bang, banged a borage of bullets through the screen and killed us all with his stupidity. As if that wasn't bad enough, he went back to his beach chair, sans feather chapeau, and started talking to himself about how one day everyone will be on their knees begging him for rice. No Phillip, we won't. We may be on our knees, but we won't be begging for your rice. We'll be begging for you to agree to the labotomy you so desperately need. Some people have been labotomized without cause - Frances Farmer, R.P. McMurphy - but I think it may turn out to be a beneficial thing for you Phillip. Just folllow Nurse Ratched down the hall and she'll take care of you from here on out. And, if for some reason, it doesn't work out, we'll do to you what the Indian did to McMurphy - smother you with a pillow.


The bickering continues and Phillip starts his whole "I'm a Chief Federal Agent" speech again. It used to be "Former", then it was "Special", now it's "Chief". I think next week he'll be "Princess Federal Agent". So there was Phillip yammering on, "White folks this... black men that... crazy, crazy, porcupine, jelly toast." The Cuddler spontaneously salutes him and I had to applaud in that moment. Finally! Another person to stand up to Phillip's bullshit. Steve is still a waste of space and adds nothing to the game, but I'm sick of everyone letting Phillip get away with all this crap he believes in. There he sat, beached on his chair, shoveling rice into his mouth (Hey! Where did he get that rice?), blurting out the N-word twice while not one person said anything in response. It turns out that Phillip's logic is that since he's never been in jail, he's not crazy. I know plenty of people who have never been incarcerated, but who are fucking cuckoo for cocoa puffs - Gwyneth Paltrow, for one.

This brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. For today's challenge, Survivors must build a multi-stage puzzle wheel. First, all nine tribe members will race to release a circular puzzle piece where they will then solve a puzzle inside of it. The first six to finish will proceed onto round two. I HATE challenges like this for Individual Immunity - the ones where a group proceeds to round two and then a smaller group proceeds to round three. I'd much rather they just did Endurance Challenges from here on out. They did it last season and it was exciting and awesome - remember how Jane kept winning? Anyhow, the six who continue on will then solve another puzzle to complete the wheel. First person to finish wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!









The challenge begins and it's pretty funny. The Survivors have to run in circles around a podium to release the first part of the wheel. Phillip, scared of jostling the cranks and levers in his brain, gently tiptoes around his wheel while Rob flies so fast all we can make out is his gold medallion blowing in the wind. Mascaroni takes the lead and starts her puzzle first. Grant and Leatherface are right after her with Rob, Ralph and Assley behind them. Assley falls on her ass and that was cool, but all in all it was kind of a boring part one. Rob finishes first while Phillip tried to coerce his pieces into getting into place. When that didn't work, he started punching them in with his fists. And when that didn't work, he shot them all to smithereens with his pointer finger. Rob, Leatherface, Rooster, Mascaroni, The Cuddler and Grant proceed to round two.







Round two is literally people standing there solving puzzles which is about as exciting as watching someone play Solitaire. Very little visual appeal. Blah, blah, blah... Rob and The Cuddler are neck in neck and ROB WINS IMMUNITY!!! According to Dimples' twitter last night, The Cuddler was one second behind Rob. Too bad, so sad. His only hope to keep the Zappas together is to get two Omarion's to join them in voting out Phillip.







Back at Murlonio, the tribe is once again eating more rice. That satchel Julie tells us that the three Zappas will be voting out Phillip and she sure hopes someone from the Omarions will join them in that vote. Does she approach Assley who so clearly hates Phillip? Does she tell Mascaroni she'll never write her name down? Nope. Instead Leatherface goes and steals Phillip's shorts off the laundry line and buries them in the dirt. Now, the Nicaraguan water supply is tainted and there are an awful lot of Latin children talking to grains of sand and making feather skirts. That desk organizer Julie says, "Phillip's right, it's war." and war it was! Phillip notices his shorts missing and begins to interrogate all of the members of the tribe in a very calm and methodical way. "Did YOU take my shorts off the line! Well then, they must have gotten up and walked away then! They were right there a second ago. I can play that game! I can play that game! You're from the big house, right? You're from the big house." What "big house"? The one you saw in the distance out of the tiny window of your padded cell while you did a 5150 at Cedars? What the hell is he talking about?





Anyhow, Phillip doesn't have his shorts so instead he straps a few more feathers to his head and hangs a buff over his johnson. With a machete in hand and a purse over his shoulder, he paces the perimeter of the camp daring any and all unicorns, dragons, satyrs and chupacabras to start with him. He's trained in the top military facilities in this country. He's got the purple heart, the Congressional medal of honor and the Top Gun trophy. If any ligers or leprechauns out there want to fuck with him, now's the time. Bring it on!






Unfortunately, there was no time to fight any of the mythical creatures inside Phillip's head because now it's time for Tribal Council. Sandal wearing Lawyer Dave enters as the first member of the Jury and the first order of business is: where are Phillip's shorts? Without hesitating Phillip blames his missing pantaloons on The Cuddler. Due to his vast training at Langley and watching Meet The Parents 200 times, Phillip is confident that The Cuddler is the one who stole his shorts. He's also very mad that the Zappas are eating all of their own rice without his consent. The Cuddler says that as the Zappas numbers dwindle, the amount of rice allotted each person grows. They're going to eat it all and if they're forced into cannibalism then so be it. Dark meat is tastier than white meat. Be careful Phillip.





Mascaroni says she's frustrated with the maggot-y rice and then The Cuddler spills everything about the n-word riddled convo that took place back at camp. Dimples clutches his pearls and is stunned. This isn't a DMX album. This is Survivor! Backpackface Julie chimes in and says how Phillip threatened them with Wang Chung Kung Fu and then the fit hit the shan. Phillip got mad people were calling him crazy, his dad went to a grocery store, 1968, Richard Pryor, Jeff Probst isn't a woman, ring dings, beanbags and pillow cases. I don't know what the hell he was talking about, but it was neverending and it's almost not even fun anymore to try to recap it. I can just list random shit and it would make about as much sense as Phillip does. Potted plants, milkbones, guitar strings, beach towels and a carpet runner. There you go. That's what Phillip said.







So, digital clocks, handsoap, branches, marshmallows and colorful swirlies... Leatherface fesses up to stealing the shorts and Julie is the the 11th person voted out of Survivor: Redemption Island. Burble, burble, bleh.





So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Quite honestly, I'm getting a little annoyed with the direction this season is heading. Phillip monopolized probably 80% of last night's episode. There's no strategy to cover and everyone I like is going home. On the one hand, I want Phillip to be voted out already, but, on the other hand, I know I'll have nothing to talk about it if he goes. What do you guys think? How much longer do you want Phillip to stay? Without Julie around anymore what will I carry my make-up case and sunglasses in? Are you surprised Ralph spelled Phile instead of Fill? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!





If you like this blog and you watch The Amazing Race, please check out the Bitchy Amazing Race Blog.





Also, all Survivor photos in this post were blatantly stolen from the Facebook Group Survivor Seasons. I usually try to swipe them from CBS, but those bitches won't update their photo section. So, thanks Survivor Seasons. Sorry about that whole theft thing.




29 comments:

  1. Last night was atrociously boring, I watched it online and the website video kept stalling after the first commercial and yet I kept reloading. I watched more Disney commercials than I did the episode. The thing is, when I hear the word Disney it makes me cringe because it means something totally different to me. See my Grandfather Jeffrey Kalo was the first kid to ride the carousel at Disneyland and when he walked up to the attendant he was called "boy" which was obviously an anti-child discriminatory term. But I digress, and I still watched hoping Phillip would get more screen time and my train-wreck prayers were answered! I wonder what in the world Phillip was thinking when he figured all the Zap's rice belongs to everyone after completely ostracizing them (an act which can be considered tribicist[sp])? This episode showed me that Phillip isn't "acting" but he is truly THE MOST INSANE SURVIVOR EVER! BTW I'm not racist in any way, when I say insane I don't mean N____r, I mean INSANE! Well here's a shout-out to that stupidity-shootin' gangsta Phillip making this the most awkward episode I've ever seen.

    Why couldn't they just vote out 3 people last night and get this show on the road? I can't wait to see who Rob is gonna take to final three, it's going to make this all worth it...right? Luckily we have LaLa to save us from this crap once again, I'm sorry I didn't have any Lulz this week, you have the toughest job in show biz girl. Just a few more weeks and we get to see if the "circle of trust" will be broken.

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  2. Once again, Bitchy-britches, your take on the tribe and the episode itself was more fun to read than the episode was to watch.

    What's with the puzzle challenges? We all know that's Rob's thing; it was a given that he'd win immunity.

    Yawn. I hope the producers have learned a lesson and will never, ever use the Redemption Island idea again.

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  3. Phile instead of Fill! Lmao! I was shocked that he got that close to spelling his name right. Is it just me or is the whole Pretty Pony crying to his Lord Jesus really annoying. I wanted dave to stay. Phillip should be mortified going on TV in pink undies!

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  4. I think Ralph spelled Philip Phile as short for pile of shit,he hinted at that in an insider I believe.

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  5. This season is probably one of the worst Survivor seasons ever!

    Phillip seemed entertaining in the beginning, but his antics have become quite stale by now. Not fun anymore!

    What mildly amused me though was Julie adopting some of Russell's behavior (he was the one who liked to bury people's socks and such), the behavior for which they voted him out.

    I am not the hugest fan of Russell, but I am sure Zappas wish now they could start over and maybe keep him a little longer.

    And I wish I could have a chance to see Phillip vs Russell. Oh, well...

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  6. Thank you, thank you, thank you. As always, you had me laughing, beginning to end. One of the things that amuses me the most is when you turn Phillip's every move into some kind of crazy (there's that N word again) covert operation. Your descriptions are hysterical.

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  7. In 1947 my grandmother and a group of friends went riding around thier little town of Zephyr, Texas in a car belonging to her boyfriends dad. They did not know that his mom had some balls of fresh churned butter in the backseat and Memaw sat in it, ruining her best party dress and earning her the name of Butter-Butt. Today Butter-Butt turns 80! Happy Birthday Butter-Butt! True story.
    So, I enjoyed the show last night, I always enjoy crazy people, they really liven up the place. Of course, there could be some other interesting people on the show, but we will never know, because they don't have their Crazytown membership cards and most of them can spell. I really wish Rooster would get more airtime, and that he would stay to final three, but I doubt that will happen.

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  8. When will Rob's zombies figure out *half* of them are *not* going to go to final tribal council sitting next to Rob?? It's unbelievable that all 5 people must think they're going to the end with him.

    It's strange that there are no apparent sub-alliances in Ometempe (other than Rob's suballiance with everyone.) What a very strange pecking order.

    I personally loved that Zap did not share their rice or even their tin. This is natural fall-out from the Us-vs-Them that the Ometempes claim as their masterplan. And I just hooted when Julie sole LoonyTunes' shorts. --I will be most disappointed if Phile finds them...I mean, all he has to do now is look under a bunch of rocks. At the very least, that could keep him busy and out of trouble--what a bummer that would be!

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  9. I totally agree Phillip was just short of an embarrassment last night, how he turned rice wars into race wars is outrageous. He just kept on speaking totally shit during his many conflicts with Steve. His tribe cannot stand him and it must be hard for Rob to keep him but he is obviously playing a end game. The season is quite dull I think, I hope RI is not returned next season. I used to think Ralf or is that Ralph was just acting dumb but now I am convinced he is.
    Te only great thing to come out of last night (apart from Julie being booted off) is your blog.

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  10. One word, as I echo the popular sentiment: BOR-ING! I wanted Phillip gone forever ago, really. I am sad sad sad that David is gone, as he was my #2 to win, after Rob. Unfortunately, i don't think Rob will ever win, b/c the Zaps see him as the leader of the Omes.

    I honestly can't believe there isn't more dissension amongst the Omes. Part of me likes this, b/c this is good for Rob; however, it makes for a very boring season.

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  11. Nobody, anywhere, has mentioned that Phile stole some of Zappa's rice, and then goes on to be insulted they won't share their rice jar.

    Hello!!! Even if they had no idea some of their rice was stolen by the lunatic (no, not the n...., the lunatic), the hypocrisy of that Omoron is beyond belief.

    But as Rob said, he's public enemy #1 - he's gonna stay around, at least until they're down to Omarion and they turn against each other. It should get more interesting then. Of course, they might just continue voting as Rob tells them to. Bunch of stupid stuffed animals.

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  12. Wow! I gotta go back and read the rest of your blogs. You are outragously funny! Hate RI Like the season but sure hope it picks up again.

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  13. The smack down Jeff handed Phillip last night was masterful! I would NEVER want to get into an argument with him! Overall, last night was boring with a capital 'B'. Rob's in charge, Phillip is cray-cray, Flounder face is stupid, and Matt-tastic is still wondering WWJD. What's new.

    I was psyched to see you used my moniker for Natalie! I feel like I contributed, in some small way. lol

    Great blog! The find myself thinking 'Oh no! Lala's gonna hate that. or Which phrase will Lala use to headline her blog tomorrow.' It's cool knowing you are watching it with us, ready to set it all down the next day for our collective amusement. :)

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  14. As Forrest Gump might say, "Boring is as boring cast." Seems clear this season was cast as Rob vs. Russell with a bunch of other folks thrown in as pawns. Once Ralph lost Russel as a focus he reverted to his native stupidity and became as useless as the rest of the gumps. All that is left now is Rob and his mini onions to take out Grant. Rob will deliver the million bucks to another bunny, but won't be able to marry her this time.

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  15. Thanks for Tattalie LJ! I should have given you credit. Sorry about that. I'll keep using it for the rest of the season. It works!

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  16. Love coming to Lala Land every week, so thanks! I'll miss this blog more than the episodes.

    Who in their right mind would vote to give Phillip 1 million dollars? My dream final 3 is Phillip, Rob and Matt (sigh) with Matt taking it unanimously. I just love him.

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  17. Oh, Lala...I love your blog. That nod to Spartacus was especially awesome. Phillip needs to go down hard. There has to be a special place in the darkest depths of hell for Chiefs of the Whole Universe who wear pink saggy briefs on a network tv show.

    What would be cool is if they'd introduce an idol on Redemption Island that, if found, would allow the finder to swap places with anyone of their choosing on the mainland. THAT would make Survivor better.

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  18. Love the blog. I was surprised that no one made an appeal to the tribe to go and dig up Phil's shorts! Call me goofy, but I would think they'd want to see Phil dangling in the wind as much as they would Richard Hatch. For a moment, I was worried Phil was going to take it all off, too. He seems to have no shame in the parading around department.

    And, as for the misspelled name, I've noticed that this name thing seems to happen every year. I've also noticed that the misspellings are not always for names that would be hard to spell. I think the cast votes, and the names we see are written by producers, with all of those goofy hearts and smiley/frowney faces. How many ppl really do that? I would bet they are not the types who willingly spend nearly a month crapping in the woods.

    Anyway, nice work!

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  19. I'm getting so tired of this season. I guess I'm still rooting for Matt to come back in, although I'm not sure he can take it. I'm crossing my fingers that one of the Robbettes will grow some balls and try to do something. The only one I can really see doing that is Andrea although I'm not sure she's smart enough.
    I really wished the former Zappas would cause more of a stir around camp. Bury fish! Burn socks! Pour water on the fire! Steal shoes!! SOMETHING!
    Alas, all I do now is wish wish wish. Hopefully SOMETHING interesting will happen.

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  20. Well I'm in the minority but I don't think this season is boring AT ALL! I love seeing Phillip and Pony Boy make asses of themselves with their deep belief in the delusions. Are they opposite sides of the same coin? I watch this show for the study of humanity and not at all for the challenges. Also I have a crush on Boston Rob and though I see this tribe is a bunch of zombies I would for sure have strapped my vote to that alpha male as well. Just saying.

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  21. Colette, I am shocked that you did not make the Phillip-Rafiki comparison!! He also meditated a lot and said a lot of shit that didn't make sense. Might have even worn a feather or two in the Lion King. Definitely had one on his little walking stick.

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  22. Lala, I really wasn't looking for any credit. Just happy to see a 'contribution' of mine here. I could never do what you do. You are bitchin'! (And you turned me on to SOA.....I can never repay you for that! LOL)

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  23. Ahhh I'm another member of the minority because I enjoyed this last episode. I take great pleasure in watching ppl go bat-shit crazy on reality shows.Twisted? Yes. Yes it is,but it amuses me.

    For the most part,it's the Rob Show. A goofy lil dramady where Rob is living his life while dealing with the wacky neighbor Philip who,somehow,managed to escape from the Fruit Loop farm. Occasionally the background scenery/extras(the rest of the survivors)move around a bit and you could swear that ya heard it/them say a few words. Honestly,I can't remember most of their names because they rarely do anything to make any sort of impression on me.

    Philip and his ever increasing dipshitery need to stay around or else who will play the part of the wacky neighbor? Does he stand a chance in hell of winning? Nope....not unless everyone else dies of some mysterious jungle illness and he wins by default. (Hmmmm....I am now suspicious of the introduction of the maggots.)

    The Pretty Pony being sad makes ME sad. Not because I'm rooting for him,but because I like ponies in general and I hate to see an animal suffer.Every time that the Pretty Pony whimpers in despair or pain an angel loses it's wings and falls to the ground making a sickening THUMP noise. Somebody needs to call the veterinarian for Pretty Pony. Maybe he needs to be de-wormed,he ate something bad in the pasture,he needs to be re-shod,or he has sleeping sickness. I dunno,but it doesn't look good....

    Oh...and wtf with burying the shorts? Who is writing the script for this show? Geez try a lil creativity. The stealing and burying of other ppl's stuff has been done to death already. At the very least have somebody spew some gibberish back at crazy secret agent ninja Buddha Flip to see if he finds it insulting and acts like an even bigger AL-like train wreck......just sayin'....

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  24. First time I've read your blog, and I really liked it. Made me laugh :) My final three? Rob, Matt and Andrea. Rob for obvious reasons, Matt because he keeps hanging in there (yes, I am a Pretty Pony fan - YOU go 30 days in psuedo isolation and see how you do), and Andrea because she is the least useless of the Robonites. Phillip is a lunatic. I was glad Julie buried his shorts, only because it brought out more of his lunacy, but I also confess, I thought he would be voted out. Now that he is still there, will the producers take pity on our eyes and give him some decent shorts. The pink panties have put me off my appetite. Course that could be a good thing. I've lost 8 lbs since the show started. New diet!

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  25. At this point, I just don't see how Rob doesn't make it to the final three. (--and geez, don't you miss the days of Final-2? so much better.)

    So, Rob makes it to the final three. And although all the Zaps see that he is the mastermind behind his demise, I think they will give him credit for being the only Ometempe who even played this game. ...Rob is gonna win this thing. And his arrogance will increase even further before he is slated for the next Celebrity Apprentice.

    If Survivor doesn't start casting real people who really want to play, they are gonna finally, sadly, jump the shark. For instance, I think every one on Ometempe is just happy if they get to go to the final 3. ...And I think that a couple of them are just happy to say they were on TV. Too many people are just not playing like they are in it to win it. And that's just so boring to watch.

    --Phile's antics can not even make up for this snoozer. (In fact, CrazyUndies' stories can't even make up for his own stupidty.) ...oh, but the reference to "Princess Federal Agent"--well, that makes up for it, after all! thx!

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  26. Ah sure would like to make lurve to that there Purty Pony. He sure is Purty. Yes'm, I wanna stick my crazy Christian cock deep in his Pony ass and tell him it's Gods' Will.

    Then I wanna cum all over his lurvly gold hair.

    Hallelujah!!

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  27. Phil moved to upstate NY and had a grocery store moment, that's Rochester NY. I'm proud to say I live thre and his brother is the chief of police for my city. Lucky for us he is not at all like his crazy brother. Opps I just used the n word.

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  28. Since you approved... I am posting at the bottom of the list here... but... you have my free reign to post anywhere. BUT if you get rich off these lyrics... please send the money my way. (LMAO). Seriously, thank you for giving me the courage via email to submit this.

    I "virtually" love you like a bff... take care and enjoy!

    Inspired by Colette Lala of the Bitchy Survivor Blog, and "My Favorite Things" (To the amazing music of Rodgers & Hammarstein II) - with (pulled out of nowhere) lyrics by Laura Koenigs
    For Survivor Redemption Island:
    Rainbowed ponied boys with glitter all over,
    Bright eyed survivors hope Rob's been done over
    Angry survivors all tied up with strings
    These are a few of my favorite things!
    Cream covered ponies with gin off their lips
    Pink underonnies hanging off their hips
    Dreams of ice cream that will never come true
    This is another one that's favorite for you!
    Wild dreams at night of a last minute hitch
    To avoid the irritating and crazy bitch
    At the same time hoping to evade the true deed
    And at least pretend you are a friend in need.

    When the jury rules.
    When the idol hides.
    When your friends are leeks.
    If you think you have nothing to play... an Idol is reaches away!
    And even if not, is a week far away?
    A hidden idol that no one knows of
    Legs that a razor would like to know of
    Hidden items all awkwardly all secretly hid
    I am not one easily one that is rid....
    When the jury rules.
    When the idol hides.
    When your friends are leeks.
    If you think you have nothing to play... an Idol is reaches away!
    And even if not, is a week far away?
    Don't mess with Rob because he'll screw you over
    Fembots with phermones that want to be his lover
    Men want to be his friend and possibly more
    Even if you think you have nothing to play... a Idol is just reaches away!
    Wild dreams at night of a last minute hitch
    To avoid the most irritating and crazy bitch
    At the same time hoping to evade the true deed
    And at least pretend you are a friend in need.

    When the jury rules.
    When the idol hides.
    When your friends are leeks.
    If you think you have nothing to play... an Idol is reaches away!
    And even if not, is a week far away?
    A hidden idol that no one knows of
    Legs that a razor we would like know of
    Hidden items all secretly hid
    I am not one easily rid....
    When the jury rules.
    When the idol hides.
    When your friends are leeks.
    If you think you have nothing to play... an Idol is reaches away!
    And even if not, is a week far away?
    Don't mess with Rob because he'll screw you over
    Fembots with phermones that want to be his lover
    Men want to be his friend and possibly more
    Who isn't a Survivor whore?
    When the jury rules.
    When the idol hides.
    When your friends are leeks.
    If you think you have nothing to play... an Idol is reaches away!
    And even if not, is a week far away?
    On TV it sucks
    I want to buck
    But for me it feels right
    To watch every Weds night
    I want to read all of Cola's blog
    And yet I still feel.... NOT SO BAD.
    Oh what the hell I have to cause it is right
    When the jury rules.
    When the idol hides.
    When your friends are leeks.
    If you think you have nothing to play... an Idol is reaches away!
    And even if not, is a week far away?

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  29. Sister Julia Childovgott (Tracey Frisby)

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