Monday, May 16, 2011

That Was So Special




Indian ghosts, everlasting mascara, pink panties, crispy rice, remote control brains... it's been a tumultuous 39 days in Nicaragua. We watched our favorite hardcore reality show morph into Sunday mass with a rooster crowing. What was once cutthroat is now precious. What was once sinister is now cutesy. Rumbling bubbling fires of hell became friendly rainbows piercing the sky. Ponies pranced, dummies danced and one by one we learned to hate that dud of a state Rhode Island. What should have been violent and angry duels to the death were, in reality, "Hey just try not to lose, man." People napped, girls primped, a freak leaped and one man, ONLY ONE MAN, played the game. Like Charles Manson, he manipulated, cajoled and provided all the necessary info in which to start a race war. What no one could have predicted was Survivor: Redemption Island's 19th player, God. He was everywhere! He was making it rain, He was killing the fish, He was in the air, He was living in a hot pink book, He was blonde, He found a marine, He leaked in tears. That God is freaking annoying if you ask me. Talk about camera hogs - Jesus! Well, before I get struck down by a bolt of lightning... Let's recap, shall we?

Night falls on Rhode Island (Redemption Island) and a supermodel makes his way through the jungle thick. It's Grant and he's a little flummoxed as to who voted him out of the game. Was it Rob or was it Phillip? Uh brainiac, it was BOTH! Grant also tells us he's A-Okay with it, but all evidence last night points to the contrary. Apparently, Grant and his mayonnaise hair hold 8 month long grudges which is kind of strange considering he's a yoga doing, peace loving Buddhist. Those Buddhists are such bitches when they're backstabbed. Anyhow, the Rhode Island inhabitants sleepily welcome this new member while one little fluffy girl, Mascaroni (Andrea), curses under her breath and watches all of her Rhode Island Duel dreams flitter away into the starlight. She's pissed off that Grant showed up because now she's got to go up against three burly men in order to stay in the game. One has been in combat, one has played for the NFL and the other is a flipping instrument of God. Can one tiny long-lashed farm girl defeat the likes of these three brutes? We'll have to wait and see. Until then, Mascaroni settles into her patch of her dirt outside the shelter and prepares for another long sleepless night with her turtle pillow. If only Mr. Turtle wasn't so gaseous.

Over at Murlonio the tribe struggles to come to terms with the fact that getting rid of Grant was a necessity. That elimination hurt far more than any of the others, but in the end Survivor is a game. So yeah, off with his head! Actually, it wasn't even really Grant's time. It was supposed to be Assley (Ashley) who went home. That useless reed of a woman Assley. For 30 some odd days she's said nothing, done nothing, meant nothing. She's a fart in the water. A lazy insignificant backdrop who has added zilch to this game in the way of strategy or drama. The problem is that now she's actually winning challenges. Now she comes to life. After a month of being a drab beige carpet, she's become a nuisance. Rob doesn't trust her, Phillip can't stand her and this bitch needs to go sooner rather than later. Anyone who treats Survivor like a trip to Canyon Ranch can rot in hell as far I'm concerned and get a really nasty foot fungus from dirty pedicure equipment. Since she treats everything like a vacay, she should suffer vacay maladies. Let's throw in some food poisoning while we're at it. Bad crab salad maybe. That's good for at least 2 days of nonstop vomiting.




So while Rob is busy planning intricately detailed ways to send Assley on her merry way, Pretty Pony (Matt) is out communing with God. Perched on a cliff overlooking the sea, the pony marvels at nature's glory. He's smitten with it's majesty. Hair blowing in the breeze, pectorals glistening, this wild and primal corner of the earth has been his home for the past 85 days. Bullshit. It's been his pulpit. The Pretty Pony has managed to convert everyone he comes into contact with into an annoying "I love God" person. Churches need to hire him to convert the godless. Send the Adonis into polytheistic tribal societies and after one week you'll have a whole new slew of god fearing Christians with weirdly mechanical smiles on their faces. Maybe it's Pretty Pony's passion that is so mesmerizing. Or, maybe it's his all over tan and perfectly rounded ass. *shrugs shoulders* I have no idea. All I know is that everything with the pony needs a prayer. Whether it's a bite of rice or tree mail or about the final duel, it all requires prayer. That sort of blind faith just seems so silly to me. Unless a ghost hunter can capture an EVP with God saying he's tuning into CBS every Wednesday night, I'm pretty sure He doesn't give a shit about a reality show. He's much too busy killing people with tsunamis and earthquakes and famine and disease to worry about whether or not the Pretty Pony makes it to the final Tribal Council.


Speaking of final duels, whoosh, splash, kerplop! Here we are at the last stupidly stupid dumbass moronic Rhode Island duel of the season. Deep in my loins I hoped it was the last anything having to do with Rhode Island, but then I saw that Survivor: South Pacific promo and all of my lady parts shriveled up into useless bits of nothing. I'm infertile now. Thank you Rhode Island. Thanks for nothing. Ok so for this duel Survivors will place their foot on one end of a balancing board. On the other end is a ceramic vase. When the vase falls, you're out of the game and headed to the Jury. The winner will go back to Murlonio and rejoin the game. Survivors ready, go.




The challenge begins and it's smooth sailing for the first 20 minutes. The sun beats down strong, the wind doesn't seem to be a problem and all of our little Survivor soldiers are doing very well. Mascaroni scratches her tummy in indifference while the Pretty Pony has a look on his face that says, "Don't let me down now God." Grant with his impossibly long limbs begins to waver, but recovers quickly while Mascaroni gives him the side eye. The unsteadiness seems to be contagious as both Pretty Pony and Cold War Mike have tiny hiccups of their own. 40 minutes passes and Grant leans over to stretch out his 3 foot long calf. With a leg that long, muscles are bound to tense up and get all crazy like. And get all crazy like they do cuz Grant's vase drops and he's outta the game! Later alligator. Go pout and hold some endless grudges now.




One hour passes and the sun is merciless on our 3 remaining contenders. It mocks them with it's heat. Mascaroni gently stretches her tiny leg and I shouted at the screen, "No! Didn't you see what happened to Grant?!" And then I chucked about 5 tubes of CoverGirl Thick Lash Mascara at the tv screen. She recovers from her stretch without incident, but down on the other end of the challenge God is about to play a very cruel joke. Rewatching this a second time, it's clear to me that only He is responsible for what happens next. Pretty Pony was still. He was focused. He didn't jostle and he didn't waver. But, out of nowhere, as if a bony finger emerged from the sky, his vase tipped over and then went plop. Pretty Pony's face shriveled in horror. In a matter of seconds everything he ever believed in disappeared in front of his eyes. He stroked his chin in confusion and wondered why God didn't play better. Pretty Pony truly believed that God had been playing for him all along. Looking at his devastation was like watching a child discover there is no Santa Claus. Pretty Pony wondered in that moment if maybe other things weren't true as well. Maybe Jonah didn't live for three days inside that whale. Maybe Moses didn't really part the Red Sea. Could it be that all he believed in were fairy tales? It's a heady thing when fantasy and childlike wonder leaves a person. It causes people to react in strange and horrifying ways - like, maybe, it'll make someone cut their hair so they look like they belong in a boy band rather than looking like they're part of a sexy motorcycle gang. You had no business cutting that hair Pretty Pony. No business! Damn you! So, yeah, he's outta the game.




It's now down to Cold War Mike in his drabby gray grays and Mascaroni. Mike wavers and recovers while Mascaroni grips her leg and tries to ignore the heat. Mike wipes the sweat from his brow and that's all she wrote... MASCARONI STAYS IN THE GAME!!! Good girl. Love her. How can you not love a fluffy farm girl with magically mystical lashes and a valley girl lilt? She's cuteness personified. Plus, she just humiliated three beefy bohunks. Awesome.




Mascaroni isn't all cuteness and light though. She's also an evil little liar who likes to mess with people's heads. *claps and giggles* She returns to Murlonio and it's a little awkward at first. These are the very people who blindsided her. Initially, she sits alone and watches the others from a distance, but the second Rob and Phil leave the Fembots unattended, Mascaroni makes her move. She approaches Tattalie (Natalie) and Assley with her trademark wide-eyed innocence, but quickly shifts gears and begins to unfurl tiny little daggers of evil. First, she tells the girls that all the boys on Rhode Island think the girls are all puppets. Then, she says that Rooster (Ralph) and Pretty Pony are planning to vote for Phillip. The Fembots interest is piqued and they wonder aloud how Mike will vote. Mascaroni tells them he's voting for Phillip too and then she skips off with a glint in her eye that shows she's very pleased with herself for planting the seeds that just might save her ass. Who knows if her efforts will pay off? At least she tried. At least she did something. At least she contributed and didn't loll around the shelter sniffing another girl's armpits while being about as interesting as a giant slug.




And now we arrive at the first Immunity Challenge of the night. All that matters is that Assley doesn't win. Rob wants her gone, Phillip wants her gone and, most importantly, I want her gone. She's a boil on the butt of humanity and I'm sick of looking at her long pointed face. For this challenge, Survivors must race across a balance beam collecting a series of bags containing numbered tiles. First person to place the tiles in order from 1-100 wins Immunity. Really? Really. Numbered tiles. We're letting a challenge that any 2nd grader can do determine our final four? Come on Survivor! What the hell is going on here? The challenges are weak, the casting sucks, the twists are lame. This is not the Survivor of yesteryear. This is TJMaxx Survivor. Marshalls Survivor. It's half off and slightly imperfect. It says Ralph Lauren, but the polo guy is missing a mallet and the horse is 3-legged. Survivors ready, go!






In the interest of saving time and because I abhored the way it ended, I'm going to cruise through this challenge. Rob race, race, raced. Mascaroni used her fairy wings to fly. Tattalie ran out into the ocean and drowned. Phillip pieced all the beams together to make a giant TeePee. And, that insufferable maggot Assley wins Immunity. Shit, fuck, doody.




Back at camp it's pretty clear that Mascaroni's time back in the game is limited. She's a hard worker, she's likable and she's good at challenges. As far as Rob is concerned, it's a no brainer. He tells the Fembots and Phillip to vote out Mascaroni and then he goes out fishing. Assley yanks Tattalie into the woods and demands to know that if she votes out Mascaroni tonight, Phillip will be the next one to go. Tattalie nods dumbly and replies, "I'm like, you know, feeling the same, you know, there's a possibility, and, like I don't know, you just never know, you know? Right." Why, thank you Tattalie. You've just managed to suck all the life out of life. We were all brain dead there for a second and, as a result, the world is just a little bit dumber now. Equations no longer work, great works of art toppled off their walls and somewhere a magnificent feat in engineering buckled and gave way. Even I tried to plug my hair dryer into the microwave this morning. I've forgotten how things worked. I left the house earlier today I can't for the life of me figure out why my blush brush won't lock my front door or why my car won't start simply by me sitting on it. Whether she's out in the woods or sitting on a panel on live television, Tattalie should never ever talk again, ever! We're all freaking idiots now because of her.





Phillip sees the Fembots talking in the woods so he radios to Langley, "The eagle has landed. 10-4 good buddy. Renegade is in transit. Confidence is high." And then he strapped on his vest of palm leaves and coconut skins before checking that his sqaudron of army ants was properly deployed. After some face time with a tree, he leaps over towards Rob and informs him that two girls were out in the woods talking. He doesn't know why they were talking or what they were talking about, but they were talking. He'll man the perimeter for the rest of the day and keep Rob abreast of any new developments. Rob thanks Phillip for his service to the country and then releases another feather in the air for him to go chase. It's been Rob all along releasing feathers. He's got a bag of them hidden behind the shelter.






This brings us to our first Tribal Council of the night. Rob begins by saying that paranoia is high and a lot of talking is going on. Phillip then somersaults dangerously close to the fire and reminds everyone that he's the Undercover Specialist. The Jury giggles in response while Rob chucks another feather behind his back and Phillip goes chasing after it. Assley says something about something, but I really have no idea what it was. Whenever she pops on screen I close my eyes, put my fingers in my ears and try to hold my breath long enough to lose consciousness. Mascaroni speaks next and she talks about how she tried to convince the Fembots to get rid of Rob. As we all now know, the girls already knew Rob had the Immunity Idol so Mascaroni's efforts were pretty much inconsequential. Rob plays his Idol and Mascaroni is the 16th person voted out of Survivor: Redemption Island. I enjoyed watching Mascaroni and she was a loyal fan of this here little blog. She's a good sport and I hope we get to see her again on another season with more worthy players. Maybe she'll be back for South Pacific. Fingers crossed.





The final four return to camp and Phillip is desperate for a group hug. The Fembots run to embrace Rob while Phillip approaches from the outside and dry humps them all. He grunts and burbles and annouces, "That was so special!" It was freaky and awkward and made no sense - kind of like this whole season which is why I used the phrase as my final title. Afterwards, Assley steals away to find a quiet corner so she can unleash her squirrely wrath on Mascaroni. It turns out that Assley is pissed that Mascaroni said she and Tattalie haven't made any big moves in the game and tried to throw them under the bus in front of the Jury. Assley, honey, denial ain't just a river in Egypt. You are a ridiculous waste of skin who has done nothing in this game but lie around, bitch and let a man you hardly know control your every move. Now shut up and go back to picking nits out of your sister wife's hair. Rob will call for you when your battery needs changing.






And here we are at our last Immunity Challenge of the season. Survivors must race through a giant maze collecting four bags of puzzle pieces. Once they have all four bags, they will race to the top of a platform to solve the word puzzle. The first person to spell the phrase ONLY YOU ARE SAFE, wins. Survivors ready, go!



Everyone bursts forth into the maze and scatters. Dead ends lie everywhere and the second Tattalie encounters one she keeps running into it repeatedly and spends the rest of the challenge hurling her body against a random wall. Rob spies a path to the first station and goes for it. Assley follows him because that what Assley does: she follows. Phillip somehow manages to find a station all on his own and all three get their first bag of puzzle pieces. The same exact scenario plays out while they go for their second bags. While heading towards the third bag, Rob tries to lose Assley (cuz she's fucking annoying), but she stays stuck on him like white on rice. Phillip gets lost in a dead end and tries to dig his way out.




Rob and Assley get their third bag of puzzle pieces and it's a sprint to the fourth. Rob reaches the last station first with Assley right behind him. Now it's a race back to Dimples. Rob gets up the ladder first and very calmly begins to work on his puzzle pieces. Assley joins him and the music begins thumping. The puzzle pieces are weird misshapen 3-D cubes that bend and fold into various positions. Rob jokes with Assley about helping each other out, but neither give up any info. Rob begins to make headway so Assley looks over at his table and tries to cheat. You know what Assley? Cheaters never prosper and ROB WINS IMMUNITY!!! His hat goes flying, he yawps loudly, he breaks down into tears and he knows, man does he know... he just won a million dollars. We all knew in that moment. Everyone everywhere knew. Well, everyone except Tattalie, who inexplicably started crying for no reason at all, and maybe Assley, who looked confused that she lost. Phillip's reaction was the weirdest though. He was truly happy for Rob which leads me to believe that he's not on Survivor to win at all. He's just there to hang out and if he can stop the bad guys and man the ports in the meantime, then great. Two birds, one stone.







Back at camp there is only one mission: get rid of Assley. It's a mission I love and admire. The only problem is Tattalie. Tattalie is always the problem. She's never the solution. She's a hiccup. A split end. A double negative. She's a pebble in your shoe. A black fly in your chardonnay. Rain on your wedding day. She's a freaking Alanis Morissette song. Exhausting and annoying. So, Rob's mission is to get Tattalie to agree to vote out Assley. He walks by her, turns the switch on his remote control to "Vote Assley" and it's done. That's it. Assley is voted out at the next Tribal Council. Easy peasy. The best part about it is that she actually felt safe. Ahahaha! Suck it loser. Assley is the 17th person voted out of Survivor: Redemption Island.




Back at camp, Phillip is wrapped in a blanket with a giant peacock feather sticking out of his forehead talking about how Jessum Harring came to him in a vision and told him to go back on his meds. You see, Toni Morrison (Phillip's sister) called Jessum, who's alive and well and living in Ft. Lauderdale, right after leaving Nicaragua and told him that Phillip was talking to dead people again. Jessum promptly flew to Nicaragua, walked right up to Phillip one night when he was out getting some water and said, "Don't worry. Everything will be ok. Burn your panties and keep the faith." Phillip thought it was an apparition and here we are now watching him dressed up as the blanket monster. The blanket monster is a little bit like the boogie man. He's scary to think about, but he's not the least bit dangerous.



In lieu of the godawful In Memorium burning of the torches we had the burning of the panties. Phillip obeyed Jessum Harring's orders and gave a moving speech about his manhood not being reflected by the color of his briefs. He held them up high for all to see. Flies buzzed around. I think I saw a crab holding it's nose crawl out as Phillip said, "With happiness and joy as I approach my destiny I bid you ado." Yes, he said "ado". And that play by Shakespeare is really called Much Adieu About Nothing. With a salute to the sky and a click of his heels, Phillip flung the offensive underwear into a nonburning fire where it sat limply among the ashes and devoured itself with its own fumes. Jessum Harring watched from the trees and mumbled to himself, "Like all good things, some things must come to an end." And then he called Bellevue and booked a bed in the maximum security ward for one Mr. Phillip Sheppard.







And that brings us to the final Tribal Council. We begin with opening remarks and Tattalie is up first. "Umm I made it 39 days you know and umm played the best game I could you know. Umm tee hee hee my strength is my social skill. I chose to align with Rob from the very beginning and the microchip in my hip doesn't really hurt anymore. Alliance, me, that's how, ummm, I made it this far. *pause* Loyal. *pause* Umm *pause* I don't know *pause* Umm I deserve to be here? I'm the youngest female. Winner. Survivor. Ever. Rob is king." And then her head exploded and we all cheered.



Next up is the Blanket Monster. "I deserve to be here. I didn't know the strategy I had put in place wouldn't work because of Boston Rob. My morse code machines shorted out. Goose had that accident and then all these feathers started flying. I changed my strategy because the Wombosi mission failed and Treadstone had to be shutdown. After communication with Langley, I identified the target and continued my mission. God bless America. I know pronounce you Jury and wife. Rob is king. Hit the decks!" And then he got up and started shooting everyone with his finger.




Rob went last and it was just what we expected. Thoughtful, organized, smart, he thanked everyone and point by point outlined his strategy and his strengths. He was coherent and easy to follow, inspirational and motivated, concise yet detailed. He gave homage to Survivor as a game and was sincere in mentioning his love for his family. It was the perfect speech. He had 10 years to get it right. How could it be anything but perfect?




Now it's time for the Jury to ask their questions. Mascaroni is up first and right out of the gate she cracks me up. "Phillip, you are weird." She asks Phillip who the real Phillip Sheppard is and he answered by telling her not to vote for him. Mascaroni then turns to Tattalie and tells her that her relationship with Rob was creepy. Tattalie replies, "I've never been camping" and that was the end of that.



Assley said blah blah blah and I said die die die. I'm done giving her blog space.



Grant goes next and he wants to know when Tattalie made her alliance with Rob. Exactly what time and where did it happen because his alliance with Rob was made on July 19th and 10:00 am in the morning down by the watering hole. Was her alliance before that or after that? If it was after then it doesn't count and Grant can be mad for the rest of his life. Boo hoo hoo. Blurgh. Namaste.



Rooster Ralph is up next and it went something like this: "Wayell, preshyate y'all makin' it thar ladees n gentle'un. Natlee, seem lahk yew kint narly do nuttin' witow Rahb. Lahk a keeyid! Yew nayver did tawk ta me in da gehm. Peeryod. Nayver did. Pheelp. Ya lit me dow'. I's hopin' hole cheekin on yer 'ed. Tell me why'nch ya git 'nymore faythers thin that? Dyew rilly lahk me?" Aww, I got sad in that moment because I realized that all Ralph ever wanted was to make friends. Living on the side of that mountain in Virginie makin' the 'shine under the cover of night doesn't afford him a lot of opportunities to meet new people. He's got Harlon, but that's about it. Well, now he's got Phile too. Two peas in a pod. Give me a call Rooster. I'll drank the 'shine wit ya.



Now we come to the Pretty Pony. The beautious luscious pony with his freshly washed flaxen locks framing his face. If only he was a mute. "Duplicitous, manipulating, deceiving, liar. Bad, bad, bad. Bible. God. Good, good , good. Amen."



Leatherface Julie is up next and she was a real treat wasn't she? Bitter much ya ole briefcase? She spent her time telling Tattalie she's humiliated her parents and should probably never go home because clearly they've disowned her by now. She tells Phillip to put his kid up for adoption because he's a horrible father and then she tells Rob his daughters are hopeless and will grow up to be awful people. Thanks for that you wrinkled up handbag. Please, because I'm so interested, tell me what you did that's of any value whatsoever in this game. Go polish your skin and buy yourself a new buckle or something. Install a giant zipper over those things you call teeth. My god, you're rude. I don't particularly care for Tattalie and Phillip either, but I'd never tell them how much they've humiliated their families. Who the hell are you to sit in judgment? You went on a tv show to pay your bills. How about getting a job instead you scuffed up old boot. Jesus Christ you're awful! Have you met Nanook yet? I have a feeling you two would get along famously.



Mike went next and he's found God yadda yadda yadda. SHUT. UP. My god, shut up! Can you tell my patience is wearing thin? You are ridiculous, Mike. Ridiculous! You should have been the star this season. You would have had America by the short and curlies had you only had a personality. Instead, you're the dork who gave the family visit to his enemies. Good luck getting laid now douchebag.



The Cuddler is up next and it looks like he's finally come to his senses. He's gracious and congratulatory to both Tattalie and Rob. He actually seemed like a nice guy with a decent personality. When he told Phillip he was sorry for him and what he's made of himself, I laughed. Outside of the game, Steve is probably a decent guy. Inside of the game, he's a wretched bag of bones who wouldn't know strategy if it sat on his face.




Finally, we have Lawyer Dave. Being that Lawyer Dave is Lawyer Dave he decided to give the closing arguments to the Jury. In the courtroom drama in his head, he was fighting for Rob to be proven innocent and awarded one million dollars in damages for having to put up with that crappy lot of contenders. He outlined how Rob controlled each and every one of their minds and for a second I worried that Dave might actually do more harm than good. I thought he might just piss these people off enough for them to vote the opposite way. I mean, let's face it. That's the type of crew we're dealing with here. They're a bitter lot who are all still shocked they're sitting on the side they're sitting on. It was a good speech and I appreciated Lawyer Dave mixing it up a little bit. He was an arrogant ass coming in and he was an arrogant ass going out, but you know what? He was interesting to watch. He's another one I wouldn't mind seeing back to play the game. Just, no more awkward proposals please. I beg you.





So, there you have it. Vote, vote, vote. ROB IS THE WINNER OF SURVIVOR: REDEMPTION ISLAND. It was a deserved win and he really did play one hell of a game so congratulations to him.




Survivor is a show I've always held in the highest esteem. It's that one show I compare all other shows to, but this season was downright embarrassing. It started off great, but went downhill fast. Hopefully, I've managed to entertain you a little bit here. If you've enjoyed what I've done this season, please click on my PayPal button and show a girl some love. You can find me this summer at the Bitchy Big Brother Blog covering BB13 daily. Barring any injuries where I lose function of my hands, I will be back blogging Survivor in the Fall. I mean, come on, how could I not? Thank you so much everyone for coming back here weekly and taking the time to comment. You guys rock. Comment it out bitches (again) and have a great day!





39 comments:

  1. You make it sound more interesting that it actually was...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great recap as always, this season was indeed disappointing so at the end I was sometimes more looking forward to reading your blog than watching the episodes !

    Well deserved victory for Rob, I also agree that we need to see more of Mascaroni, this girl has got a lot of potential.
    Almost shot myself when Mike started to talk about his enlightenment and how he found God on the show,news update for all prospective candidates, God DOES NOT care who wins the million dollars !

    Looking forward to reading your recaps of the next seasons of the Amazing Race and Survivor, thanks for the great job !

    Mathieu (from France, because you are truly international !)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks Frenchy! I feel fancy now.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you for your entertaining recaps of this season. The problem with this season is that while we probably saw about as good a game as has ever been played by one person, the methodology employed sucked all the drama out of the season.

    Unfortunately, it doesn't look like Mascarpony is going to happen anytime soon......

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey, my name is Rosie and im new to this but from what i can tell you put a pretty good spin on a dumbass season so congrats!! personally I hope Parvati gets a spot in the South Pacific cause she was so beast in all components of the game. In fact she exudes awesomeness as do you Collette LaLa! Can't wait to hear your take on next season!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Great recap and finish to the season. I pretty much agreed with you on all counts this time. When Julie talked during the final tribal I was hoping she'd trip and fall into the fire pit. If that didn't happen I was ready to shoot my TV. She was absolutely repugnant. David reminded me why I liked him during his final speech, and then quickly took a big stinking dump all over my affection for him with that proposal that made Mike Boogie's look classy and elegant. And if Rob didn't win there was simply no justice in the world.

    I dunno if I'm up for next season. The promo for next season was truly shocking in that it's so completely BORING. I can't believe they're doing the exact same thing again. At the same time I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if Boston Rob and Russell came hopping out of that helicopter in the South Pacific.

    Anyway I'm rambling. Just wanted to say thanks for doing this every week. I know there had to be times when you just didn't feel like it. It has been appreciated. Looking forward to BB13.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Looks like Eric and Brenda coming back from the little snippets they showed on the preview.

    I'd love to see Jane back, and maybe even Ozzy, now HE was a hardcore survivor!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Survivor doesn't shoot until the summer.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Please, please can future players be put through a brief theological education? All they need to learn is that you do not have a personal telephone to God, that blindsiding an ally (as Pretty Pony did to Mascaroni) is deceitful and manipulative even if you think you have a personal telephone to God, and that Survivor is about winning a million bucks not deep inner transformation. First time I ever agreed with Russell, even if he could not quite find the words to describe the deep inner idiocy of the ZappaPonies.

    Want Philip back some time, preferably on the same team as Coach. Want Mascaroni back some time. Want Dave back some time, preferably in a team whose other members have functioning brains.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Rob's game was otherworldly, and so was this blog. You two were the reasons to watch this year. Many thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Your blog is great- I just discovered it! You hit the nail on the head time and time again and had me laughing my head off. Julie is so vile I do not have words for her. Rob was the ONLY real player in the game and that made this season too predictable- some of the worst bunch of players ever. That being said I wonder how different the game might have been had Russell, Stephanie and Dave allied against Rob?
    I'd like to see Dave and Stephanie return for future games...they appear to possess brain cells. Keep up the great work!

    ReplyDelete
  12. As usual Miss Lala, an excellent and funny recap. Just like Mathieu said you entertain the world, even here in Australia.

    I'm so pleased that Rob won, he was the only deserving winner. Although sweet of Ralph to throw a pity vote in Phil's direction.
    Since they're bringing back former players I hope, like you do Lala, that Andrea comes back to play again. Much was made of the fact that Natalie was only 19 but Andrea is only 2 years older and yet she was brave enough to blindside that annoying pretty pony and had the guts to suggest they take out Rob. And if she play another season I hope she can take some time in her confessionals to let us girls know how to keep a full face of makeup on even in extreme conditions.
    Next season may very well have Dave as a returning player as I've heard Dave will be back at some point. Although based on that awkward proposal, where his girlfriend clearly felt obligated to say yes, he may be coming back to play a single man. On the other hand I hope to never see Julie, Matt, Russell or Mike ever again. Seriously Mike who claps a photo of themselves other than 5 year olds? Yuck. And Grant needs to get over himself. This wasn't summer camp, maybe if he'd bothered to play the game he'd be a million dollars richer. And with the money he could have bought something decent to wear to the reunion instead of turning up dressed as a lumber jack.
    Well I'll miss you Lala over the cold harsh Australian winter ahead-I may have to pop on a cardigan around July-but I will look forward to autumn where you and survivor will return to my life and make me laugh an embarrassing snorty laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Yep, it was pretty boring but I am not certain it was because of Redemption Island. Rob was just so utterly in control, there was no drama.
    I agree that Rob was the winner, but I think there should be a rule that if ya win the million, you don't get the fan fav money. I voted my 10 votes for Rob cuz I was afraid that they would throw him under the bus in the end and I thought he should win SOMETHING.

    Was it a coincidence that something called REDEMPTION ISLAND brought out all of the religious fanatics? Did they cast those people because they were bible thumpers? I think it was insane and I don't want to watch any more Survivor if it is going to be all about personal growth and finding Jesus. Redemption, my ass. You're right, if there is a God, I am certain he doesn't give a shit about some poor bastard on a reality show. Any more than he/she would care about a touchdown or a grammy award.

    Finally, that Your-Parents-Hate-You bitch was disgusting. SHE is the one that should be ashamed. UGH.

    Does Phillip win money for coming in second???

    ReplyDelete
  14. Of all the alliances I've watched the ZappaPonies did the least and still managed to bring an extraordinary sense of entitlement. Ralph even said at one point that they had the thing won because they would dominate the jury. It seemed toe scape him that they would dominate the jury because they had lost so many challenges and votes. They could have turned the game by playing the immunity idol on Matt, but even if by some miracle they had done so my guess is they would still have to found a way to lose while insisting they had won or ought to have won or had been really really nice so could they have the million dollars now.

    They were dreadful players and tried to compensate by sticking their noses about 100 metres in the air and lecturing people, in Pretty Pony's case by hectoring. With the single exception of Dave, who was actually playing Survivor, not Revival Meeting, I hope none of them ever re-appear in the game.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Sending some love your way via PayPal. I found your blog by accident during Big Brother one year and now I'm a dedicated follower! Thank you Bitch!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Finally...FINALLY Rob gets what he deserves. I have been a long time fan of his and it was uplifting to see him finally at peace with the world. I even started to tear up there for a minute...then I remembered that bitches don't cry, they make other people cry...and punched my boyfriend in the throat.

    So LaLa, I have to thank you...nay, your country should thank you, for stopping me formulating my opinions on Americans based on the contestants of Survivor. The God loving, bible bashing, pulpit slapping, blind following of this season seriously had me questioning what the fuck is being taught in your schools. And then I come here and realise that the God Squad is not necessarily the norm. I want to see more atheists next season...and maybe some sacrificial slaughtering of blonde, God loving, virgins.

    Love your work!

    ReplyDelete
  17. For all the laughs, all the visuals, all the insight, I will gladly show you some love. Hell, if every reader just gave a buck, you could order truckloads of glitter but I doubt it happens. So thank you!
    I am SO GLAD Rob won this season. Yes, it got a little boring but it was truly a lesson in how to play the game if you are there to win. If you are there to make friends, hell, go hang with Julie. If you are there to pray, slide onto the pew with Dave and Pony. If you are there to inspect armpits, well, hell I just can't get that visual in my head so early in the day.
    You go girl and just stay bitchy for next year! Please!

    ReplyDelete
  18. As always YOU are supreme at what you do! Loved the blog, you did what you do best, Made a boring season an interesting read!!! July 7th can't get here fast enough for me! Love ya Bitch!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thanks for the entertaining blog. Agree almost completely with everything you said. I did like Rhode Island conceptially, but these players, outside of Rob and Andrea, were BORING and lousy strategists. Good players coming back with revenge and awareness could prove interesting. Matt had a chance to kick Rob out, or at least equalize the alliances, but he was the dumbest player in the history of Survivor. I love how god is responsible for all that is good, but when bad shit happens no one says F you god! Anyway, can't wait to read your blog on the next season. I will have to paypal some love.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Great work Lala! I first discovered your blog this season and it sure made watching Survivor especially fun and entertaining. You made the at times lackluster "Survivor: Redemption Island" seem a lot better than it probably was.

    Anyway, these are the 6 things that I gathered from this season:

    1. Desperate for hype, the producers are likely to establish a permanent trend of mixing a few old players with the new players. Hopefully the rookies of future seasons will grow some balls, unlike this season's sorry crop.

    2. Religion was a conspicuous passenger on this long ride in Guatemala. Pony's obscene blind Christian faith; his Great Awakening on Redemption Island that inexplicably managed to revive Christ in the lives of those pustules such as Mike; Phillip's animism/paganism/Buddhism/Shintoism/Cult of Jessum Harring...whatever the hell else Phillip referenced; Russell the Devil; Rob's impersonation of Hitler when he brainwashed his tribe just to avoid this religious craze; all were signs of "Redemption Island" being the most righteous season ever and the most irritating to atheists everywhere.

    3. Russell's flaws finally manifested themselves and he finally got what was coming to him. It's ironic that the self-proclaimed greatest contestant ever relies solely on impressionable young women and the hidden immunity idols to get further in the game. For those of us who hate Lucifer, his early departure was a thing of ecstasy.

    4. Phillip, as a maniacal, detestable, caricature-of-himself player, was hands-down the nuttiest contestant in Survivor history. But, love him or hate him, he was HILARIOUS. His act became expired over time, but he certainly brought some much-needed spice to this bland season.

    5. Boston Rob just completed the best performance that I have ever seen on Survivor. His game was flawless, from battling in the challenges, misleading everyone, and indoctrinating his fellow Omatepes. Granted, the competition level was feeble, but Rob was impressive nonetheless.

    6. It looks like redemption island (predictably) is here to stay. I did not mind the twist at first, but when the "duels" were not nearly as gladiator-reminiscent, as intense, or as life-or-death as I had hoped, the gimmick became purely lame. Essentially, all redemption island did was keep Pretty Pony and Christian ramblings in tune all bloody season and injected one vulnerable Mascaroni back into the game when she really had no chance. The final redeemer (as I call it) will always have a bounty on his/her head upon reentering the game because he/she figuratively has no enemies on the jury and because he/she has already been voted out once before by the very group that he/she rejoins. In the end, redemption island was a bust, a serious waste of time. Maybe if the creators reform it some, then it will not be so shitty next year.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Another great post. Thanks so much for your dedication to us. I loved how you constantly changed Julie's nickname to another leather accessory. Hysterical.

    However where Assley is concerned, I am surprised you never mentioned her shoulders. I implore you to go back to the final 4 tribal council with her. Compare her shoulders with Natalie as they sit there. HOLY COW.....hers are huge, like a hanger. Once I noticed them I couldn't stop staring at them.

    Go Rob. I would have liked to see Dave and Rob paired up together, or pitted against each other more. Dave got the short end of the stick. He had so much potential and got stuck with a bunch of losers. Throwing the challenge on day 7 was a big mistake, Lucifer did have that much right, IMO.

    That engagement was awkward and that girl was kind of hard core ghetto looking to me. I don't even remember her from a previous show. I just know that I don't think I'd want to meet her in a dark alley. To me they didn't "fit" together, solely based on appearance. He can do better.

    Now quickly onto RI. Redemption Island can stay, but only under 2 circumstances. The players still in the game don't get to watch the duals, this way they don't know who is coming back. They should also not know when the person is coming back. And after 20 days or whatever, the person comes back, and then RI is over, never to be seen of again that season. They should try it that way one year, and if it still sucks, then ditch the RI idea altogether.

    And Amen...no more players who spend too much time praising God. I believe in God and all, but I don't tune into Survivor to watch someone praying all the time. It's boring.

    Thanks for all the laughs. And I did get a lot of those! I will watch BB for the first time ever this summer, all because of you!

    Marie

    ReplyDelete
  22. I actually have not watched in a few seasons, and Boston Rob vs Russel was enough to suck me back in, that, and the hope that Redemption Island would be alot more interesting and provide the game with yet another twist as the weeks dwindled down...was I the only one hoping that they might have just reinserted all four of the RI castaways back into the game as a dramatic twist four weeks ago that would have potentially screwed Rob's dominance?

    Otherwise, so-so Season, but the winner unfortunately was a foregone conclusion much too soon in the game, note to the Producers, make the game more interesting with twists that we don't see coming and actually affect the game not this predictable next season...it was kinda sad.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Great recap. Loved the blog all season.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Maybe the next survivor could be all the idiots and crybabies together. Nanook, Philip, Coach, Rooster, etc...but leave out Russell. Think of the challenges they could have...Pin the tail on the donkey without blindfolds? Confusion for all. Spell all of the survivors names correctly? Win immunity! I am sure you could come up with some great challenges as well.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Isn't anyone tired of Rob? I was getting so sick of hearing him say how he had to win for his family, for crying out loud his wife won the million a few seasons ago, he has been on the show 4 times and on Amazing Race twice, their wedding and honeymoon was paid by CBS. It seems Burnett did everything possible to give him the million. One more thing, Matt should have got the $100,000. Fan favorite prize the Million dollar winner should not be included in that part.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Love the blog. Pretty Pony is the dumbest player since the ice cream scooper who gave up his immunity necklace. What is it about dumb blondes? He did not lose because he was betrayed by Andrea, he lost because he is dumb (and because Rob was that good this year).

    ReplyDelete
  27. Now that Boston Rob won,i think he should go get a real job and stay the hell away from tv shows.just sick and tired of him and Amber.

    ReplyDelete
  28. When you play Survivor you play Survivor. The object is to win. The object is not to be cute, to suck up to the audience, or to convince yourself that the object is to embody sweetness and light. Pretty Pony failed to win. He failed to suck up to the audience. He was quite willing to embrace the dark side.

    Before his second blindside Pretty Pony managed to blindside everyone he had made promises to, including Andrea. The only difference between Rob's blindsides and the Pony blindsides is that Rob's were about the game and Pony's were about being all sparkly and glittery.

    Perhaps Survivor needs a Sparkles prize awarded to the Cutest and Dumbest player. That is essentially what you argue for if you want the Pony to win a prize.

    ReplyDelete
  29. i actually saw a christain person with the mechanical smile recently. it was very odd.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hopefully, I will NEVER have to see or hear of Rob ever again.
    It's not his skills, but the poor casting by CBS of all the other kissups-Jim Jones' koolaid drinking lazy no gameplay crew that got him the win.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Colette,

    I discovered your blog on accident within the first week of Survivor/TAR this season and ended up coming back for the whole season. I'm not sure how many of your readers are dudes, but here's one more. I also have a feeling that your BB blogging is even better than Survivor so I'm pretty stoked.

    I didn't think this season was as bad as some say it was; I really enjoyed watching Rob play the game for what will definitely be his last time. He's too smart of a guy to come back again, and he said himself that his goal was to win and that was it.

    I think Rob in the game is equal to Wayne Gretzky on skates or Michael Jordan with a basketball. The guy is in his element and plays on another level. Can we all agree on that?

    Dave got a lot of credit without ever having to earn it. I may have forgotten, but did he solve some ridiculous puzzle on day 3 that made everyone see him as some genius? Sure, the guy's smart, but I don't know what warranted the treatment he got. I didn't see him do anything other than commentate on Rob's game with big words all season.
    (Marie- Dave proposed to Carolina from Russel's first season. She was first voted out, if I'm not mistaken.)

    Fuck Julie. Who the hell gave her the right to speak to people that way? Natalie should have popped her in her flapping leatherfaced mouth. People (especially on reality tv) think that parenthood gives a blanket right to go about spouting opinions and making judgements.

    Every season we see people complaining about giving the money to a dishonest or immoral person, and those people are always on the jury. That's like signing up to play football and then complaining that the winning team only got there because they hit and tackled other players. Make a distinction between what happens on and off the field (read: island). Maybe there's a reason you didn't survive.

    Can we start a petition to get Phil in the house for BB13?

    Thanks for the entertainment Colette.

    Tequila and sawdust,
    Kevin

    ReplyDelete
  32. Lol @ "tequila and sawdust". Love it. Thanks Kevin. Don't let the tampax trees and maxipad beds fool you. Dudes are abundant. They just, you know, happen to be in drag.

    ReplyDelete
  33. @ Biff and Carole - agree with you 200% How greedy can you get. Hopefully, we won't see him back again, tho.

    Lady Lala - Thanks for making a boring season FUNNY!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  34. phillip on bb13....id watch that

    ReplyDelete
  35. Hey I've been lurking for a few weeks, just kinda bored with the season, but I have to speak up on the last blog. I hate to see you go but I'm glad this nightmare is over, it seems to me this whole season was rigged for Rob to win and dethrone Russel as the self-proclaimed "greatest survivor to play the game". With all the close-calls for Rob's wins and Dimples uber-hating on Russel and I just thought "wow, this was an inside job" Who knows maybe but no biggie I'll continue to watch and then come here and read, usually I enjoy the reading more :) Thanks for the great season I appreciate and respect what you do for us, it's so tough!

    ReplyDelete
  36. PatG, Thank you! How great a player was Rob if the others were mentally dead?

    Less than 50 days til BB. Hopeful for season 13 to entertain.
    Crazy Phillip would be a great addition. Maybe season14? I know he would annoy me royally, which would be fun (if you know what I mean).

    ReplyDelete
  37. I agree with the minority here, if Rob was such a superior player of Survivor, why the fuck did it take FOUR seasons for him to win? It actually did seem to me the producers planned for him to end up the winner. He'll never be back again? Oh, one can only hope.

    How do you rationalize you're "doing it to provide for my family" when your wife already won a million dollars. I mean, hell, I know it's a little costly to live in Boston, but this is bullshit!

    One comment above said Russell got his "just rewards" for choosing young impressionable women to help him along the way, Rob even gave him a raft of shit about it, that's what started the "challenge." What was Rob's game? He played Russell. Sorry, but in my book, that doesn't merit praise, rather scorn.

    I'd not be surprised to see Rob pop up on BB, he's whored himself on every other CBS reality show.

    As for Phillip being crazy, or annoying, face it kids, there's a shitload of people who are tasked with securing our nation who are just as erratic and egotistical. I think they must teach it in secret agent school in America. Want proof? Leave this country and come back, get a chance to deal with some of the shitheads who work in Customs and Border Protection. They have to recruit assholes, and then teach them to be even bigger assholes.

    Granted, there was a collection of brain-dead tribe mates this year. How could NONE of the jury ask the 64 million dollar question of Rob? Did they edit out any question that cast Rob in a bad light? I can't believe, even as big a load of dumbasses as these folks were, that none of them asked him "why should we give you a million since you are already married to one?"

    As a matter of fact, casting both Rob & Phillip on BB might be a great idea. With Evil Dick in the cast as well. We'd be treated by the insanity of Phillip annoying everyone, and ED taunting Rob to the point he'd be reduced to lying in his bedroom, sucking his thumb and sobbing. THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT!

    Love ya Lala, and I'd be happy to show some love but I refuse to use PayPal, they oppose something I hold dear. Shoot me an e-mail for an alternate means to do so and I'll get some of those "little green rockets of salvation" headed your way. Yep, I'm a Christian, but, I'm Catholic, we believe, we're just nor fanatics about it. Most of my fellow Catholics realize that even if you pray your ass off for something, the fact remains that God has a biting sense of humor, and flat out loves to laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Thanks for a great season. I too discovered your blog early into this spring's seasons of survivor and TAR.

    I thought assley deserved some blog space for the jury speech, if anything. She had an awesome piss fight with phillip and apprehended tattalie and rob in all the right places. That being said, her gameplay is still non-existent.

    Thanks lala. Will stay tuned for next season xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  39. hi there! just found this blog and have to say that i loved you on survivor. im the ultimate fan who has sent in numerous tapes and still waiting for my shot. i'll be checking back in Sep for sure!

    ReplyDelete