Monday, August 29, 2011

Albert: The Pick-Up Artist

First up on our tour through the tributes of the South Pacific is Albert. Albert is a 26 year old baseball/dating coach and hails from the great state of Florida. His claim to fame, that he replays in his mind over and over and over again, is hitting a home run off of a guy who was a first round draft pick. To a sporty person, this might mean something. To me, it sounds like his bedsheets are covered in baseballs and catchers mitts.

Albert sounds vaguely like a cross between Al Bundy, the creepy uncle from Napoleon Dynamite, and Jimmy Fallon from that movie Fever Pitch. By the time he's 45 and nursing a hefty beer gut, we'll find him peering through the gates of his elementary schoolyard wondering where it all went wrong. How did the scrappy little kid who could round all the bases like nobody's business end up throwing speed dating parties at the local frozen yogurt shop? I don't know Albert. I just don't know.

Let's take a look at his video and see if we can learn a little bit more about this sporty matchmaker. Please to enjoy:

While I'm glad he's ready to embrace the ruthlessness part of the game, I'm sad he spent his youth traveling the country one Ramada Inn at a time lecturing greasy portly men on the intricacies of how to get laid. A villain he may want to be, but a villian he is not. There's an inauthenticity I'm picking up on and it has a lot to do with the fact that he's either violently swatting at flies the entire time or he's simply too nervous to keep his hands still. Shifty-eyes punctuated with flirtatious sneers will be Prince Albert's downfall. He'll be hard to trust and difficult to want to pal around with. He may do well in competitions, but his social game will leave a lot to be desired. Although, he could go the way of the Pretty Pony and move to Rhode Island (Redemption Island) early on and just never leave. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.


  1. Well, he certainly is nice to look at. That's a plus. But something about him reminds me of Shannon from last year and I'm already pissed at him. He will hopefully NOT follow in those footsteps.
    They're doing that "bring back 2 vets" again, huh? That's unfortunate.

  2. Can't see the video because the uploader has not made the video available for my country so I can only comment solely based on appearances. Like most meat axes on Survivor, he'll cave early because he can't handle the lack of food.

    The end.

  3. Although summer is over, I now officially have something to look forward to - your Survivor bitching.

  4. Yay! I can see the vids now. Thanks LaLa...who would have thought whining would pay off?

    So yeah...I stand by my first assessment. He's not going to cope with the lack of food and baseball and will spend most of his time in the foetal position, sucking his thumb, rocking back and forth and calling out for his mummy.