Thursday, September 15, 2011

I'm A Genie In A Bottle

Some enchanted evening you may find yourself in the South Pacific. The wartorn, formerly occupied by the Nazis, South Pacific where men go to seek redemption and middle age women go to have a breakdown. Crystalline blue waters, picturesque valleys, lush rainforests, and active volcanoes make our new home for the next 39 days look pretty on the outside, but venture deeper into the jungle thick where the hair is unruly and you could end up with "gato" or "sombrero" tattooed on your neck. Yup. The natives speak Samoan, the visitors speak Russian, but the tattoo artists speak high school Spanish. It is at this nexus of cultural diversity where we will settle in with our brethren and fight to the death in the blood soaked arena that is Rhode Island. Welcome back bitches. It's been a while. Let's recap, shall we?

It begins with a whir, a whooshing on the wind. Blades slice through the air with precision, waves tumble below, and a curl bounces in the breeze. Two very different men sit in silence. Each with his own agenda. One seeks to control his sense of self righteousness and slay the dragons of his past with honor and integrity while the other, a monkey boy, seeks the not so elusive poonany (that's Samoan for "beef curtains"). The mistakes of their pasts haunt them like stray tendrils in their eyeballs, but this - right here, right now - is their opportunity to turn a wrong into a right. What defeated them once before will not defeat them again. They've grown, they've matured, they've conditioned, and they've moisturized. They've seen the error of their ways and now they seek what the Russians call "vykup"... redemption.

Waiting below in a rickety arena made of matchsticks and birch twigs, we find Dimples (Jeff Probst) in a fetching kelly green cloverleaf of a shirt. Hands on hips, he welcomes us once again to Rhode Island (Redemption Island) where warriors have fought and fallen, where blood stains the sands, and where a lonely pony hair lies in rememberance of all we've lost and all we've seen. This time around the battle will begin at Rhode Island. No dilly dallying, no mystery. We're going to throw the 16 freshly scrubbed neophytes paddling their way ashore right into the lion's den and see who's brave enough to make their way out. Will it be the spindly Harvard Law student, the moustachio'd rancher, or Hitler's nephew? Only time will tell.

The music swells as the oars cut into the water. Our hearts begin to race because we know what's coming. You've been with me long enough to know. I wait for it every season. Those 3 lines. Those 3 little magical lines. I snort them up like the drug they are and let them invade my very being. Give it to me Dimples! Sparkle in your green and give me the goods. Will he deliver them hanging from a helicopter? Will he be shouting from the inside of a volcano? Will he be leaping off the side of a cliff? Gah! I'm so excited I can't stand it!

With the sun in his eyes Dimples stands on a beach and stares into the camera. Surely this can't be it. Surely the beach is surrounded in flames or something, right? There's a gaggle of sharks waiting to eat him when we go to the wide shot, right? The beach is about to tumble into a oceanic black hole and swallow him whole, right? Tell me it's not just Dimples on a goddamn beach! 39 days, 18 people, ONE Survivor... *whomp whomp whomp* Oh, hell no. It's like Dimples went to the Phil Keoghan curtsying school of "Go!" while on hiatus.

Dear Dimples,
What the fuck was that?!? Do over.
Love, Lala

The newbies march into the arena past the bones of the fallen and take their spots with their respective tribes. It's a cacophony of whoops and hollers as Dimples welcomes them to the game. But, hark, not so fast scuttlebutts. Your tribes as they stand now are incomplete. Two more players are about to join you. Nurse Jackie (Mark) shifts with excitement while Edna leans over to Brandon HANTZ and whispers, "I hope it's not Russell!" Brandon stuffs his fedora in his back pocket, scribbles with a Sharpie over his "I'm a HANTZ" tattoos, and mutters nervously, "Oh my goodness. That would suck." It is here that we learn that young Brandon has no intention of letting the other's know that he's Hitler's nephew. Oh sure, he's got RUSSELL IS MY UNCLE tattooed on his lower back and HANTZ FO' LIFE etched into his shoulder blade, but never you mind all that. He'll just keep his shirt on for the entire run of the game and no one will ever find out that this short stocky balding Texan isn't burbling with Hantz blood running through his veins. Piece o' cake!

The helicopter lands and out leaps Ozzy. Newly mulleted Ozzy. Backlit, he trots towards Rhode Island with the wind in his hair and a song in his heart. The 16 young'uns elbow each other in the ribs with excitement, "It's Ozzy!", "Oh my god, look, Ozzy!", "I sure hope we get Ozzy!" Behind him, lurches out Coach. With a slow mosey in his stride and a collection of quotes from Buddha in his back pocket, the newbies look at each other and say, "Oh. Coach. *sigh* Hey, did you see Ozzy? That's Ozzy!" Always the optimist, Coach shakes his hair loose, delivers a namaste bow, and basks in the applause that are not at all meant for him. Christine Day Lewis poses like the Karate Kid from the sidelines and begins to slay imaginary dragons with an invisble light saber. Coach laughs nervously to himself and wonders who the hell this bitch with 3 names is. She calls him "temporary" and I'm immediately reminded of Franchupacabraesca dissing the vets last season and going home first. Maybe Christine Kennedy Onassis will meet the same fate. As I can only come up with so many 3 named famous people, I'm leaning towards that option.

Eating up the drama, Dimples begins to, in a very Socratic Harvardian way, call on random people to chime in. He points to a reed of a man in the backround and says, "Hey you, skinny kid with the glasses, what do you think?" Adjusting his glasses and satchel, said skinny kid replies, "I know you call the players you like by their last names so call me 'Cochran'." Dimples smiles to himself while the crowd ooohs and ahhhs. Nurse Jackie covers his mouth and giggles as Dimples obliges this human Giacometti sculpture and asks, "Ok Cochran, what do you think of Coach and Ozzy being here?" Giddy with a little bit of tinkle running down his leg, Cochran talks about their wealth of knowledge as well as his "buff collection" at home. He's an excited student of the game living his dream. As I'd probably tinkle a little too if Dimples ever said, "What do you think Lala?" I totally get it.

It's now time to find out where our vets will end up. Will it be on Impala (Upolu) or Savannah (Savai'i)? The hardened veterans each take an egg out of a basket. Coach squishes his between his fingers while Ozzy smashes his dramatically on his chest. The crimson paint oozes over Ozzy's heart like a fresh flesh wound as the Savannah tribe cheers with excitement. Rancher Rick kicks the sand with a cowboy boot mumbling something about there being no such thing as dragons. Coach, with ooey gooey blue crap on his hands, will join Impala and Ozzy will join Savannah. We now have our tribes. They are as follows... Impala: Coach, Albert, Hitler's Nephew, Christine Zeta Jones, Edna, Mikayla, Rancher Rick, Sophie, and Spacey (Stacey). Savannah: Ozzy, Dawn, Elyse, Mary Jane (Jim), Cochran, Keith, Nurse Jackie (Mark), and Hoops (Semhar). It's only day one and I've already got a handful of nicknames. I think that's a good sign, don't you?

Coach's tribe looks up at the trees and pretends not to see him approaching while the Savannahs run and scoop up their Ozzy like the hero he is. They perch him up on their shoulders and parade him around the arena shouting, "Ru-dy! Ru-dy! Ru-dy!" while the Impala's are frustratingly kicking sand in Coach's face and throwing rocks at his head. As I'm often wont to root against anyone that America embraces, this here little blogger is anti-Ozzy and pro-Coach. Besides, Ozzy slept with Galumpy (Amanda) so I have to hate him.

Time's a' wastin' so let's get this show on the road. For our first challenge Ozzy will square up against Coach and compete in a "Hero Challenge". On Dimples' go, they'll climb a pole and retrieve a wooden turtle. They will then crawl under a log and, finally, transfer a pyramid puzzle across a series of tables moving only one piece at a time and always moving smaller pieces on top of bigger ones. The instructions were vague and I had no idea what the hell Dimples was talking about - apparently neither did Coach and Ozzy as we'll see shortly. The first person to transfer their puzzle with the turtle on top wins taro and flint for their tribe. Survivors ready, go!

Monkey Boy Ozzy scurries up the pole and snags in his turtle in the blink of an eye. Surprisingly, Coach isn't that far behind and retrieves his turtle as well. They both dig furiously in the sand and Ozzy, with the squishy body of a sneaky rodent, slithers under the log and heads to the puzzle. Coach attempts to sneak under his log and almost decapitates himself in the process. Both men are at the puzzles and it's a free for all. Stacks of pieces are thrown hither and thither, two and three at a time, big on top of small, turtles under planks... it's anarchy I tell you! Dimples cracks his whip and shouts, "One puzzle piece at a time! No! Small on top of big!" Not used to being reprimanded by the teacher, Coach and Ozzy look confused and begin to falter.

Ozzy turns to his Savannahs and asks for help. Mary Jane (Jim), a skilled poker player, shouts explicit instructions to Ozzy. Coach then turns to his tribe for assistance. Rancher Rick hurls stuffed animal dragons at his head while Christine Day O'Connor waxes on and waxes off. It's chaos in it's purist form. Everyone is screaming. Spacey keeps shouting, "Turtle! Turtle!" Coach is lost in a sea of hate while Ozzy thrives in his cloud of love. Bim, bam, boom.... OZZY WINS REWARD!!!

Again, the Savannah's lift Ozzy up on their shoulders and throw a ticker tape parade in his honor while the Impala's mutter obscenities in Coach's direction and flee into the woods to try and lose him. Only Edna stays behind and offers the defeated Coach a hand. When all seemed lost, when all seemed hopeless, a lovely smile from a woman friend buoys our befuddled Coach's spirit. "Maybe there's hope with the Impala's after all," he thinks to himself. If he can keep that fear that tickles his ear at bay and focus on the mission at hand - DON'T GO HOME FIRST - he can chisel another notch into his samurai sword and continue his journey toward enlightenment.

The Savannah's arrive at their camp first and it's full of merriment and joy. They gather in a circle and begin the introduction process... "I'm a law student", "I'm a songwriter", yadda yadda yadda. Then Hoops, and her big ole bag o' bullshit, says, "My soul, my life, is my poetry, the spoken word." *rolls eyes* Nurse Jackie demands a poem and Hoops obliges... She fiddles with her headband, shakes her eyes, flutters her lashes, and begins the torture, "Cuz see I would walk miles and miles.... black and white tiles... Billie Jean... Michael Jackson." I thought it was crap, but Ozzy was smitten. He thought her boobs... I mean, words... were beautiful and he really wanted dive in and hump the shit out of that... I mean, hear some more words. Since Ozzy's work here is done (he's found his new Galumpy), he suggests they all kick back, relax, and go for a swim. Shelter schmelter. Water schmater. Fire schmire. It's party time. Besides, he wants to see Hoops in her panties.

Nurse Jackie flings off his t-shirt and skips into the clear blue water while on the shore Cochran is in the middle of a pale boy translucent skinned panic attack. For some reason the Survivors don't have bathing suits (this is strange, no?) so if they want to go in the water, it's gotta be in their skivvies. Well, Woody Allen on the beach was freaking out and rubbing his forehead back and forth trying to convince the others not to disrobe. Whitney takes her pants off right in front of him and Cochran's face turns as pink as his shirt. I'm thinking "virgin"... definitely, virgin. Keith adjusts his muscles just so and Cochran looks on in a flustered panic. He paces the beach to death knowing there's no way out of this special torture. So now, with the whole crew already in the water forced to stare at nothing BUT Cochran, he gives in and does a slow Baywatch run into the water.

Over at Impala, Coach wished he had something as minute as baring his chest to worry about. Instead, he's dodging daggers and trying to figure out how to get his tribe not to eat him for dinner. He apologizes to his tribe for not winning the challenge and swears that he's not a threat in the game. He's in the middle of this beautiful speech about teamwork and synchronicity when up chimes in Christine Jesse Raphael, "Does anyone have any building experience?" Well, I guess that's that. You gave it a good effort Coach, but that Christine Tyler Moore is a hard nut to crack.

The Impala's go around in a circle and introduce themselves.... "I'm a rancher", "I'm a baseball coach", yadda yadda yadda. Sophie says she just graduated from college and Coach innocently asks her what her major was. She tells him Russian so, naturally, Coach replies in Russian and has a conversation with her in Russian. Sophie glares at him because I think he used usted instead of tu or some shit like that. Whatever he did, it was wrong and it annoyed Sophie when, at home, I thought it was pretty cool that Coach could speak Russian. I mean, seriously, what are the odds? If some off the cuff Russian doesn't impress these assholes, nothing will. Coach definitely has a tough battle ahead of him.

Eventually, they put their differences aside and begin building the shelter. Everyone is chipping in and working hard save one person... Christine Patrick Harris. Christine Kate Olson has other plans in mind. They start with "Immunity" and end with "Idol". Under the guise of collecting firewood, she goes searching high and low for the Immunity Idol. As she conducts her search about 10 feet from the construction site, every single person knows what she's up to. Albert is visibly annoyed and Coach declares Christine Carter Cash as target #1.

Back at Savannah, Mary Jane is not only stoked that he's surrounded by babes in bikinis, but he's also busy inventing a whole new life for himself. You see, he's really a medical marijuana dealer, but he tells his tribe that he's a forensic science teacher at a high school instead. I had no idea high schools had "forensic science" but whatevs. Hoops asks if anyone is married and Nurse Jackie says he's been gay all his life. Like Cochran before him, he requests that his tribe now refers to him as "Papa Bear". Nope, you're Nurse Jackie, lady, and that's that. Own it.

Meanwhile, Dawn Dawn the soccer mom is standing in the middle of a barren camp with no shelter freaking out. She's got to get her kids lunches made, her husbands suits pressed, and do the carpool run - there's no time to build a shelter!!! She runs up to Ozzy and begs him to get started on the shelter. She's seen tribes with no shelter before and they'd sit an entire night in the rain looking miserable. Ozzy shrugs his shoulders and is like, "Yeah, umm ok, whatever. If we don't finish, we could sleep on the beach." A look of horror smacks itself on Dawn's face as she clutches her short hair and frets about getting the kids to violin practice on time.

Over at Impala, Brandon is struggling with the fact that here, in Survivor land, the women contribute and sometimes show their ankles and *gasp* their bare legs. You see, Brandon "Loco" Hantz is a good Christian boy. Oh sure, he beat up people back in high school and he's already fathered a child out of wedlock, but daggumit that Mikayla better put some clothes on! The nerve of that girl to climb on top of the shelter and finish the roof in nothing more than a tank top and shorts. Burka, stat! And oh, Jiminy Christmas, when Mikayla straddled a log to secure some vines you could almost see the passion, the temptation, the lust dancing flagrantly right in front of Brandon's eyes teasing him mercilessly. No, Brandon, you're not like your uncle... you're WORSE.

Night falls on Impala and a group of five are sitting by a canoe looking up at the stars - Brandon, Coach, Albert, Sophie, and Rancher Rick (I think). Coach begins talking about how he'd like to win all the immunity challenges and at home I muttered something about snowballs, hell, and flying pigs. In the magic of the moment a flimsy sort of alliance of five is born and I'm not happy about it at all. This isn't the five I'd like to see Coach teamed up with. Sophie can't be trusted at all and, let's face it, Brandon is incredibly creepy. But, after a glowing speech from Coach about how first day alliances are the most lasting alliances, some sort of deal gets made and everyone seems happy with it. Coach's confidence lifts and I guess I can rest a little bit easier knowing that he also has Edna on the backburner in case he needs her.

A new day dawns on Savannah and Dawn the soccer mom is scurrying from the pantry to the laundry room to the kids closets trying to get everything done in time. She knocks over the giant cauldron of almost boiling water into the fire ruining BOTH the fire and the water. Fire and water - a camp's life blood. Dawn's hands fly to her face as she remembers she left her Xanax in her purse in the back of the station wagon. If she doesn't get her 64 oz. of water a day, her calves will atrophy and she'll humiliate herself in Jazzercise next week. She flits to Nurse Jackie with tears running down her face wondering what to do. Nurse Jackie thinks to himself, "Stop crying woman!" She's making the "old people" target on both himself and her much larger than it needs to be. So, in a soothing voice, he tells her to calm down and take a breath. Dawn panics hearing that she's considered "old" and scurries from one side of camp to the other trying to contribute. She grabs onto a vine and smacks her 40-something body into a pile of rocks while shouting, "I'm good, I'm good! I'm fine. Really *sniffle sniffle* I'm fine."

Sensing that since Ozzy is so chill and could possibly be pocketing some Klonopin, Dawn rushes over to him and begins another crying jag. "I'm just so... it's harder... emotional... losing it... meds... please." Ozzy stands stone-faced chomping on some taro and is like, "Ok whatever. Yeah." That's Ozzy's answer to everything by the way... Hey Ozzy, want some weed? "Ok whatever. Yeah." Hey Ozzy, I'm naked and can't reach the soap, can you get it for me? "Ok whatever. Yeah." Hey Ozzy, I'm freaking out and am thinking of skinning you in your sleep. "Ok whatever. Yeah." In the end, Ozzy never coughed up the good stuff and I'm 99.9% certain that Dawn might be a long lost relative of Crazy Pants (Holly).

After sticking Dawn in a tiny prison of branches and palm leaves, Savannah gets back to work on their camp. Cochran wants to try his hand at opening a coconut and I swear to god I thought we were going to have the first ever Survivor maiming in history. *claps* I was at once excited and horrified as Cochran whacked a machete within inches of his fingers. Ozzy looked on as well thinking, "Ok whatever. Yeah." Ozzy doesn't think much at all of Cochran. He's wimpy, he's nerdy, he's weak, and I can guarantee there's no monkey boy in him. Cochran, however, is relying on his "charm and humor" to keep him in the game. No offense sonny jim, but charm and humor don't win challenges.

Over at Impala with his t-shirt tucked and stretched like a ballerina wrap strategically covering his Hantz family crest tattoos, Hitler's nephew is in the water trying to make himself worthwhile to the tribe. He spears a tiny minnow and thinks his social game is far superior to Hitler's. Sophie watches Hitler's nephew from the beach and she knows... she just knows that something isn't right with him. He's hiding something. She can sense it. With a strategically placed t-shirt, I'm surprised not everyone else could sense it too.

And this brings us to our first imunity challenge. Both tribes will race through Missoni/Target zigzags and through a giant web of coconuts. Once through the coconuts, they'll climb over a 10 foot wall and dig for a machete and use it to chop away at some ropes. The ropes will then release a bin of coconuts. Three tribe members will then shoot the coconuts into a basket. The first tribe to shoot enough coconuts to raise their flag wins. Survivors ready, go!

The tribes go flying through the zigzags keeping pretty much at an even pace. Impala gets through the coconuts first and heads to the wall. They scoop Mary Jane over first as Savannah is now approaching their wall as well. Albert flies over the wall for Impala while Savannah makes the odd choice to scoop Whitney over first. Impala continues getting the men over while Savannah keeps with their women and children first method. Cochran jumps up and down repeatedly and I'm not exactly sure if he thinks he can jump 10 feet or not. He's jumping to no one, to nowhere. Finally, Savannah decides to boost him over and the girls at the top struggle to heave him over. Meanwhile, with only two hands and some wicked back muscles, Albert hoists Hitler's nephew over the wall and Impala races to the next obstacle.

Rancher Rick begins to dig for the machete while Ozzy is trying to get over his wall all by himself. Ok whatever. Yeah. Rancher Rick gets his machete as Ozzy digs for Savannah. Impala releases their coconuts first with Savannah on their tail. Ozzy, Hoops, and Keith shoot coconuts for Savannah while Hitler's nephew, Mikayla, and Albert shoot for Impala. And here is where I explain how Hoops got her nickname. You see, Hoops told her tribe beforehand that she's an expert hoopsmith descendent from the great Eritrean hoopsmiths of yesteryear. There's that, and I held a quick litttle Twitter contest where I asked my followers to give Semhar a name. @GoodGovt won and Hoops was born. Voila!

So, things started off well for Hoops. She gets a couple of coconuts in the basket, but then quickly runs out of steam. She starts flopping coconuts 3 feet from where she stands and I swear I saw one hurl past Nurse Jackie's head. She's shooting at everything but the basket. In desperation, she begs Dimples to let her have a sub and Dimples just sort of laughs at her and says no. Apparently Hoops didn't realize coconuts were so heavy (huh?). She also didn't realize it would take so many to raise the goddamn flag. Meanwhile, coconuts weigh about as much as ping pongs to someone like Mikayla so she's scoring left and right for Impala. Shoot, shoot, shoot, score, score, score... IMPALA WINS IMMUNITY!!!

In addition to immunity, Impala also wins a hidden clue to the hidden immunity idol. The Savannah's look on with bitterness in their hearts as Hoops fiddles with her hair and says she feels "sorta bad". Mary Jane scoffs and crinkles up his nose. He says you don't feel "sorta bad" when you lose immunity. You feel "sorta bad" when you run out of milk. When you lose immunity, you get fucking pissed off is what you get. You get furious. You get... hold up, is someone crying? *sighs* Dawn, not again!

Back at Impala, Coach is milking the victory for all it's worth. He's quoting some obscure Asian philosopher while Christine Temple Black is busy gnawing her nails wondering where the hell that clue is. Eventually, everyone splits up and tries to act very nonchalant about searching for the hidden immunity idol. Spacey sticks her hand into the hole of a tree fondles something stone-like, intricate, and on a cord. She releases it and walks away muttering that she's probably walking right by the Idol and doesn't even know it. *throws hands in air* She just had the... I can't believe she... oh my god! Damn, I'm a genius for naming her Spacey. *smiles to self*

Over at Savannah, the mood is very different. The troops are downtrodden, but Hoops has some damage control to do. She half heartedly apologizes to everyone while simultaneously pointing the finger at Mary Jane and blaming him for making their tribe look weak. It was a weird fight of apologies with Hoops playing the passive aggressive card to a yucky extreme that had me wishing she'd go pen a poem about this and just shut the hell up already. Ozzy looked on in silence (Ok whatever. Yeah.) while Dawn scurried away and hid under a bush to cry.

Out in the water with Whitney, Elyse, Mary Jane, and Keith, Ozzy pitches that perhaps maybe Cochran should be the one to go home. He thinks Dawn proved herself in the challenge, but Cochran is a liability. You can tell Mary Jane isn't exactly thrilled with this suggestion. He knows Ozzy is thinking purely with Little Ozzy rather than what's really best for the tribe. Plus, it's a little strange that Ozzy is so defensive of Hoops this early in the game. Mary Jane doesn't like it one bit and wonders if Ozzy might not have an alliance with all the girls. Perhaps he's a forensic scientist after all because he's right on the money.

Ozzy flat out tells Hoops that it's between her and Cochran and she needs to do some politicking to stay. Annoyed, Hoops makes the rounds and tells everyone to vote for her to stay. She doesn't ask, she tells. Meanwhile, Mary Jane pulls Cochran into the woods and tells him his skinny butt is on the line. As insecurity and a fear of rejection is Cochran's achille's heel, he begins his flustered pacing and is taken right back to when he had to disrobe on the beach. Panic, panic, panic... hey Dawn, did you ever find any Klonopin? To be the first person kicked off is Cochran's nightmare come to life. This is worse than being given a wedgie at school. It's worse than getting a 'B' on a paper. He can't be the first guy voted off! An 11 year dream can't end this quickly, can it? It's flat out insulting that his own tribe would choose to keep Nurse Jackie, Dawn, or anyone female over him. Watch it, Cochran. Mikayla, Sophie, Elyse, and probably even Edna could kick your ass between here and kingdom come. Christ, get Dawn going on one of her hormonal imbalances and even she'd bury your ass. Ozzy has a point in wanting to get rid of you. I'm not sure I'd want you on my tribe either. You're just lucky I happen to find Hoops to be repugnant and talentless.

And now we arrive at our first Tribal Council. Surprisingly, Dawn is very forthcoming about being a basketcase back at camp. She's worried about Redemption Island, she's worried about shelter, she hopes Dimples is eating enough fruits and vegetables. Her shrink must have a bonfire in his office or something. She's entirely too comfortable opening up in this type of setting.

The topic of Hoops comes up and Mary Jane, in not so many words, calls her a sore loser. Hoops covers one eye with her hair and peers seductively out at Dimples while at the same time smirking and trying not to look nervous. She's a flibberty gibbet of shakiness. Everything she's thinking comes out in her mannerisms. Her hands flit, her hair flips, her back sulks, her eyes flutter... she's so very easy to read. It's almost unnerving how easy. With every shoulder flinch and eyeball roll, her confidence melts and a vessel of insecurity sits in it's place.

When it comes Cochran's time to shine, he's prepared and well versed. He makes everyone smile when he says he flew threw that coconut portion like a hummingbird while at the same time looking nerdy in a sweater vest. Dimples is delighted and even Ozzy can't help but smile. The only person not smiling is wicked ole Hoops. She's not smiling. She's snarling. Her nostrils are flaring as the drool begins to drip into the fire. Nurse Jackie interjects and, out of nowhere, tells Dimples to call him "Papa Bear". It's not as delightful as it should be as we already went through the name request thing back on Rhode Island with Cochran.

The conversation continues and the more people talk and the more people reminisce about the competition, the more agitated Cochran gets. He pleads with Dimples to please not say it's time to vote. Dimples is tickled pink and tells him they'll stay as long as they need to. This is their Tribal Council. With the go ahead from Dimples, Cochran attacks Hoops saying all she does is stand by the pot all day. Hoops counters saying she also got everyone toothbrushes. Cochran scoffs, "Twigs!" He cites the cracking of the coconut as a reason to keep him and confesses how mortifying going home first would be. He's a genie in a bottle. Just rub him. What?

Alright, let's get down to it. By a vote of a million to one (I voted 999,999 times) Hoops is the first person voted out of Survivor: South Pacific. So, what did you guys think? I think it's a promising start. Lots of big personalities for us to work with.... conflict, romance, lies, breakdowns. Are you happy Hoops got voted off? Would you have kept Cochran in the game? Are you Team Ozzy or Team Coach? Do we honestly think Brandon can keep the Russell thing a secret? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. Loved the Dear Dimples letter.
    Phil Keoghan reference
    Ozzy being smitten with her boobs, er...words
    Dawn and all the carpool, lunches references
    and also how she scurried away & hid under a bush to cry.

    I am so glad you are back! I LOVE THURSDAYS AGAIN!
    And Yes, I was ecstatic that Hoops was voted off. I wasn't going to be able to stand looking at her boobs any longer. She was going to be just as useless as Cochran, but at least Cochran does have humour and smarts on his side. She had nothing. I am rooting for Cochran to go far at this point, not betting on him, just rooting for him. Coach is too annoying to me, I think I default to Team Ozzy.

  2. Great post! I just started reading your BB blog a few weeks ago and am a fan!

    Anyway, I am very optimistic about the season. I think it was a positive sign that the tribe did not follow Ozzie's lead on the vote and I would be surprised if he makes it to the merge. I love that Cochran stayed and hope this is a turning point for him. I am always a sucker for the superfan players even though it always leads to disappointment (see Adam Poch).

    Creepy Hantz looks to be a source of entertainment throughout the season as well. I think his secret will be out before the end of episode 2.

    Looks to be a great cast and a great season!

  3. One more thing Miss Lala

    I am cursing you, for I can't stop singing Genie in a Bottle. Damn you!

  4. LOL Me too. I've been singing it for the past several hours. I think I might be going mad.

  5. HaHaha great blog as usual. Love your take on Coach and his tribe. Can really feel your excitement about the new season! your blog makes my day. Thank you

  6. Great recap LaLa! It's not an easy thang to make me LOL but you did it. You're a very talented bitch!

    I really enjoyed this episode, there are loads of characters to love and hate and if they manage not to vote off the interesting ones this season could be great.

  7. I hate anyone America worships too... So, I am Team Coach! (As surprised as I, myself, am at that...).

  8. The only phrase more exciting than, "Survivors ready…go!" is "Let's recap, shall we?". An exciting start to s (hopefully) exciting season. The actual program was pretty good, too.

    I was stoked to see Ozzy until I actually saw him. Really, Oz? Forget the shelter...forget the water…let's go swimming! He's coming off as the divorced dad trying to
    get the kids to like him more than mom.

    I actually felt bad for Coach and I hope he can resist the impulse to talk about dragons and mysticism and that dumb movie he made and concentrate on making himself a valued member of the tribe instead of crying because nobody likes him.

    Of the newbies, I like Cochran and Mikayla (I hope by now she's entered the Witness Protection Program so the Hantz boy can't track her down). Also Elyse, since I drafted her in the BN fantasy game.

  9. Awesome recap as always. Some day I hope mine are as good as yours! Wishful thinking...

    Looking forward to another season of your Survivor and TAR recaps.

  10. You know, I actually(surprisingly) enjoy seeing the vets again. But I will *not* enjoy them at all if it's a rewrite of Survivor:Rob. I think Mary Jane is very, very smart to watch out for an all-girls-plus-Ozzie alliance. One strong player plus several weak players equals one strong and borrrrrrrring alliance.

    As for redemption island. Last time around, it stunk--but I said that it would work under certain conditions. I don't remember all of them, but I know that one was getting rid of the multiple-player 'duels'. I think I read a quote from Dimples saying that it will only be two people now. yay! Another item was that the episodes needed to be longer to accommodate the rhode island scenes. Otherwise, there was no time for scenes about camplife, strategy, etc. I wish I could say that this hour-and-a-half episode idea would be repeated next time--but f*#%ing Directv isn't updating it's schedule beyond 7pm next Wednesday. (Really??!)

    Dimples has a new TOUT thingie to go along with his tweeting. Not really a fan. First of all, I love my DVR too much. I miss his blogs. But even when he blogs, I always, always, ALWAYS love Lala'a blogs even more. NO lie.

    ....and lastly: I'm Team:Mary Jane or Team:Cochran before I'll ever be Team:Vet. But we'll see, if all the interesting characters get wiped out, I will possibly be swayed to one of the vets. ...Don't get me wrong. I'm glad they're around, as long as they aren't followed around by a bunch of zombies.

    no gin in the house--so I raise a glass of rum to the bitchiest blog in the universe!

  11. Since there were no boxes for me to check, I will just say it. "It was PERFECTLY Bitchyand I peed my pants" from laughing do hard!

  12. I think I may need to start wearing a Depends while I read your blog. I almost peed my pants. I thought Hoops got her name from those BIG ass hoop earrings she was wearing. That is one of the first comments I made while watching the show. What the hell is up with all those stupid broads wearing those big ass hoop earrings out in the jungle? They should get a penalty nom just for being so stupid.

    By the way Ozzy does not have a mullet. Shambo had a mullet. Ozzy's hair is all one length from what I can tell. I'm a sucker for long hair and I have always loved Ozzy.

    I like Cochran and I'm glad he stayed. I was praying to my bottle of gin and glitter that dumb-ass Hoops would go and Cochran would somehow squeak by this week. The glittery-gin gods heard my prayers and Cochran lives to see another day.

    Did ya like Ozzy's comment as Hoops was walking down the path toward Rhode Island blubbering like a baby, about how he should have taught her how to make fire? I wonder if she will fall apart over there all by herself and ask to leave?

    As much as I hate Coach I did feel sorry for him a little bit when everyone walked off and dissed him after the first challenge. But hey, ya know what? He's a big fat DICK so what do you expect? I like how he described himself in the beginning monologue about getting over his self entitlement. I'm not sure he can redeem himself cuz he is such an ass, but anyway I hope this season is a good one.

  13. It's nice to see such a horrible season of Big Brother hasn't changed anything Lala, though I guess you're used to it by now? You're writing is still so great! Anyway, I don't know if I'm team Oz or Coach yet, it's still too early and I'm not such a huge Survivor fan so I don't really know them from the other two season they were on, but I liked Coach better than Oz. I liked Cochran a lot too. He was very honest with himself, which was cool to see, but I was torn between skinny pale geeky guy vs. voluptuous dark skinned curvy woman. It's interesting with the casting. Adam - Fat bald hairy jew megafan. Cochran - Skinny geeky pale jew megafan. Coincidence? I didn't like "Mary Jane" because he seemed so condescending, but everything he said was true, and you made me like him even more. Anything has to be better than BB13, which from now on I won't mention again because it never happened. I almost tinkled a bit when you explained the part when Dawn was crying. Hilarious stuff! :D

  14. It took me all day to finally read it, but it was well worth the wait. Awesome start. The part about Russell Junior's tattoos...dying. Thank you.

  15. Woo Hoo!! :-/ Rhode Island's back! The Biggest Little Arena in the World!! I think it's actually the size of the actual state. Built to scale. Those Survivor carpenters are GENIUSES!

    I thought the exact same thing about Dimples' grand finale. I thought, "What? No blowholes? No hanging off helicopter blades? No parachuting onto one of the rafts?" *let down*

    **Little side note here...Because I pee my pants a little every time you change Christine Marie Presley's name, and I find it so funny, here is a little gift from me to you...

    A List of celebrities with three names:

    Also, I was at the Norton Simon Museum today and saw one of Giacometti's Tall Figures (coincidence)

    End of Side note**

    Someone needs to find Dawn a "Life Coach Clam Shell" and fast, before she starts talking to herself, dumping out perfectly good pots of snails, and stealing other people's shoes. For the love of God, do they have clams in Samoa? If not, poor Savannah tribe members are in for some hurtin'. Can we call Dawn "Crazy Pants 2.0?"

    I am solidly on Team Coach. He makes me laugh.

  16. Oh, and I suggest maybe calling Mikayla "Delilah" since she's such a temptress. :)

  17. thank jesus mary and joseph
    for taking the shitty taste of BB13 out of my mouth!
    after the disgusting display of production hubris
    of the show that shall never be watched again
    because i'm not stupid,
    looks like we have a real game on our hands.
    although i'm not in favor of rhode island AT ALL
    and returning vets are marked with the fingerprints of executive producers
    (see ozzy's handprint on dimples' teal shirt),
    i am really excited by this first episode,
    which may help keep dimples' arrogance
    and stubbornness at bay re: R.I.
    game on bitches!

  18. Russell Jr is being made out to be a stalker. Russell Jr may actually be a stalker or it just may be the way he is being shown.

    I believe Ozzy will make it to the finals due to insane challenge ability. He may get voted out before the merge however Ozzy will win all the challenges until he returns at the merge. Then if Ozzy happens to lose a challenge after the merge he will return to Rhode Island where he will win all the challenges until her returns in the final episode. Ozzy will need to be voted out three times to be truely voted off. I liked the Show much better when you could blind side someone and be rid of them.

  19. Well, your mind is back from vacation and you are well rested. I know, you blogged BB and was always great but you have new energy and I love it! The first post (we 4 bears) I was laughing and saying "Yes, Yes, Me too, I also laughed at that"! I try to pull my favorite funny line out but I can not pick one there were so many. SO GOOD to have your complete bitchiness back and thriving! I think I have to be team Ozzie just because you can't blame a young guy for looking for a little skin out there. And he's athletic as hell. Maybe a little dull but that is what weed does long term. Or so I've heard. LOL
    Oh, God, the visual of the campfire in the therapists office! Priceless.
    I saw the BN Fantasy game but chose to watch this year and maybe play next year if you have it.

  20. love your blog bitch! first time here. took me a while to catch up but well worth it. funny shit for tendency is to side with Ozzy but if Coach plays his cards right i may become a traitor. love cochran and especially all the nice lookin girls ...again! cant wait til next week..

  21. Funny stuff, Lady Lala - I'm team Coach - he seems like the under-dog and to tell the truth, I didn't even remember Ozzie. I think you're on to something re: Dawn being related to Crazy Pants - she even looks a little like her. Speaking of look alikes - put 40 lbs. on Brandon and you have Russell AND close your eyes and he sounds exactly like Russell. Don't think that will stay a secret to long. He does seem a little creepy. All in all - a good beginning!!! and a great blog!!!!

  22. coach all the way. if the translucent nerd is such a student of the game, why does he lack any survival skills. he had 11 years to practice and maybe touch a barbell or two. he's like the nerds who know baseball inside and out but can't throw the ball 3 feet. the line about tinkle running down his leg had ME pissing myself. i can't believe they brought back redemption island. and did you see the creepy stare from hantz jr. towards his "delilah"? high school spanish. lol. i have "TACO" tattooed on my forehead. and "asshole" on both my back and arm. but i'm covering it with a sweater vest so no one knows i'm an asshole.

  23. Ozzy irked me right off the bat ~ funny, since I really liked him in the past. So, by default it's team Coach....for now.

    I'm having trouble keeping the chicks straight ~ they all look like brown mouseburgers.

    Cochran and his neuroses would drive me crazy in person but on tv I like him and wish him well. He's off to a fairly decent beginning.

  24. Wonderful wonderful blog! My husband and I took turns reading it out loud to each other. It was his first time reading believe it or not and he really liked it. We both like...guffawed and shit. His favorite part was Hitler's son's tattoos and he's dying to know - If Brandon makes it to the episode where relatives come and Russell comes as his relative, what kind of shirt would Brandon need to hide him??
    By the way - I am madly madly madly in love with Cochran. He is so sexy I can't stand it. I never get like attracted to reality TV stars and I never exceptionally like anyone, but omg....he ...I.....I'm in mad love.

  25. When the show is over and Cochran sees how much people were rooting for him and writing nice things on your blog about him and wanting him to go far, I think he will piss himself. He was so scared to strip and go swimming and thought it would be so humiliating to be voted off first so I think the fact that people liked him and wanted him to stay over a beautiful, hot (although rather annoying) chick will probably make his day.

    Now I just hope he doesn't turn into a big ole douche-bag.

  26. LaLa, girl, the only reason I watch these shows is to know what you are referring to when I read your blog... I love this stuff!!! Looks to be a fun Survivor season... and TAR is on in a week!!! You're the best, Bitch!!!

  27. since cochless was in the promo and stood out from the pack I think he will be around a while. The Hantz family compares russell to hitler????? yea ok.

  28. First off Welcome back. I have missed you!! This is going to be an exciting season.

    I love Ozzy but have to say he is a complete moron to thing they should have kept Hoops around. She is worthless in camp, she was pathetic in the challenge, and all she knows how to do is stick out he boobies. I don't think Cock-ran is going to last very long. He too is pathetic but at least he puts forth the effort to do things and partake in the challenges. I think this was the best first episode of the season yet. It gave the option for a lot of drama to come. I have no idea what Coach's game is going to be this season but there was definitely a change in his attitude and behavior right from the start. I felt bad that he had to end up on a tribe of morons who can't at least be bothered to welcome him to the tribe be it they mean it or not. There is no way Little Hantz is going to be able to hide that he is related to Satan's Spawn Russell through the whole game. Someone is going to figure it out. I don't think that he is anything like Russell though either. He is not as conniving nor as manipulative. I think he doesn't want to be compared to Russell. He wants more to be an individual. I'm interested to see what kind of a game he is going to play.

  29. I just want to see Coach and Ozzy become BFFs after the merge (ala Rachel and Jordan)and giggle together on camera and name themselves Cozy. that would make the season for me!

  30. this new season sucks glad hoopz is gone!!!!!!!!!!

  31. The REAL nephew of Adolf HitlerSeptember 20, 2011 at 12:44 PM


    My Uncle is not dead and, like zis Russell Hantz fellow, he is uber disappointed that he remains greatly misunderstood.

    All my Uncle wanted to do was promote the superior blonde Aryan race to their natural position of equal authority. Yet he faced overwhelming opposition at every turn - from the English, the Slavs, the Poles and the rats known as the Juden (MURDERERS OF CHRIST!). And so today, I, his proud nephew, am forced to beg for contributions to the Recognition of Adolf's Promotion of Equality fund.

    My Uncle is alive and his work continues - with the meagre funds we have accumulated from the contributions of sympathetic fellows like the wise Dick Cheney and the slightly less wise Bush family we have been able to continue our work. But we require more to ensure our ultimate success:

    If you are able to contribute then bitte, bitte...

    write a cheque to the R.A.P.E fund @P.O Box 55, NY, NY *cough* Mein Fuhrer! *cough*

    Auf Wiedersehen...

  32. We are Team Ozzy!

    Creeper Hanz needs to go. A real man can control himself, instead of voting out his temptation. What a weakling!! Russell must be cursing this little fucked up wanna be!

  33. Ha! How true, @Russi. I would love to see mini-Hantz's wifey and her reaction to his 'fidelity'. Longing, lurid stares on national TV are just as bad as groping some chick in a bar Saturday night. He might be keeping his hands off Mykela, but he's hardly taking the moral high ground and staying true to wifey.

    AND don't you just LOVE how Hitler's nephew just assumes that Mykela would also succumb to the lust in mutual adoration? She does not have the time of day for this little boy. There is *no* risk of a mini-Hantz/football-queen tryst.

    And wasn't it great that we hardly saw the losers on redemption island tonight? But still--ya gotta love the closing scene with Christine Faye Baker waking up the other redemption 'guest', as if to insist Hoops take notice of this ominous arrival.

    Biggest bummer of the week: The Nashville 'Star' is gonna get a free ride for quite a while. (I'll withdraw this statement if she can start being even a little interesting.)

    My prediction for next week is one that we all can make: Redemption Poetry Slam is ov-er after the first dual. Yay!

  34. is this Survivor/PTL Club or what? enough with the prayers!!! and yuck - Mikayla must go because she (unwittingly) tempts the creepy horny religious nut? I so hope not! HELLO Survivor editors - this isn't live....edit out the prayers and religious nuts!! no offense to anyone or their religion, honestly, but this is a game show, right?

  35. Hello,
    - I think it's hilarious how Christine Shields Markoski has been renamed so many times.
    - I initially thought the Hoops nickname was from that loud mouthed contestant from the silly mtv show 'flavor of love'.
    - Not digging the Impala and Savannah though, sorry! I thought Savai'i was Hawaii through my old tv when jeff said it though. Incredibly random names.

    Great recap!
    James H