Thursday, October 6, 2011

Scrambling Like Scrambled Eggs




Sonja Morgan said it best when she peered through her lazy whiskey eyes and declared, "There is a pecking order." In New York, in life, and even in the South Pacific, a giant chicken in the sky sits and waits to peck us all off of our pedestals one by one by one. You, the tiny shy one, buk buk buk b'kaw! You, the spindly nerdy one, buk buk buk b'kaw! And down tumble the weak and feeble. Not so fast Chicken Little. When you have a soldier of God marching around with "GUACAMOLE" tattooed on his shin, pecking orders get shuffled, friends become enemies, lying is verboten, and the tangy taste of tears taints even the juiciest of fruits. This carnival of chaos, this house of mirrors if you will, is officially open. Come one, come all. Today's special is scrambled eggs. Grab your bibles and your pitchforks. Let's recap, shall we?


For the sake of today's blog, I took a very scientific approach in choosing Elyse's new nickname. I plugged her full name into the Native American Name Generator and it pooped out Makawee Liluye which means "Mothering Singing Chicken Hawk That Soars.". In the interest of brevity, Elyse will henceforth be known as ChickenHawk. Too bad her name isn't Colette Lala though. Mystic Young Beaver has a nice ring to it. Naturally, I expect each and every one of you to tell me your Native American Name in the comments.

We continue our South Pacific nightmare on Savannah (Savai'i) where a gentle breeze blows and a wide-eyed ChickenHawk (Elyse) stares in awe at our glistening sea god, Ozzy. "Were you always so big and strong and outdoorsy?", she coos. "Uh, no", he replies. She whispers, "Really? Wow. How did you pick it up you big strong sexy hunk of man meat?" Meanwhile, lurking creepily in a nearby tree sits Mary Jane (Jim). Through blank eyes and a toothy grin, Mary Jane wonders if perhaps there is more to the ChickenHawk/Ozzy friendship than he initially thought. Maybe they're tighter than the "3+2-an ounce of the finest Northern Lights this side of Amsterdam" plan. ChickenHawk was always supposed to be peripheral eye candy. She was never meant to be inside the circle of trust. Mary Jane buffs his teeth with a cloth soaked in Clorox and decides he has no choice now but to plot her demise. He can't do it alone though. He'll need a partner.


Enter Cochran. Standing in the leaves being mistaken for a twig, Cochran. Mary Jane approaches and reveals how he thinks Ozzy might be secretly targeting him in effort to appear "invaluable" to the tribe. It's a flimsy reason crafted out of thin air, cotton candy, and dreams. Ozzy is already invaluable to the tribe and it has nothing to do with whether or not Mary Jane is in the game or back at home dealing weed to all those damn hippies. Cochran doesn't trust Mary Jane as far as he can throw him (2 inches), but he likes hearing other people's names come up for discussion and ChickenHawk is as good a name as any. Mary Jane's grand master flash plan is to get rid of ChickenHawk and cripple Ozzy. Apparently, ChickenHawk is the calcium in Ozzy's bones and without her he'll be reduced to using a walker with tennis balls on the bottom of it for the rest of his life (and a Rascal for long distance traveling). Cochran and Mary Jane engage in some gentle sparring and a deal is made. Mary Jane gets to call himself an architect for another few days (alright, Costanza) and Cochran gets to slither his way out of the Not So Beautiful People group. It's a win-win.

Over at Impala (Upolu) an ominous bell tolls in the distance. Ding, Dong, Ding, Dong. A bat flies out of the belfry as young Brandon sits in the smoke of a dying campfire dwelling on the game he's voluntarily put himself into. It all seemed so innocent on TV - so godlike and so fun! But now, here, in it - its nothing but balls of fire, thorny women, and a feast of lies. After much contemplation and prayer, Lil Hantz has decided that from here on out he will play the game of Survivor free of lies and deception. His mission now is one of truth, justice, and the American way. First things first, Brandon has to undo all the evil he's already done. First up is an apology to Mikayla. "I let my loins, I mean temper, get a hold of me. I shouldn't a done that." Mikayla nods quietly to herself and blames Brandon's behavior on his famous uncle which makes about as much sense as playing football in your underwear.


Brandon crosses "Apollagize to that hore" off of his list and then heads off to make amends to another unsuspecting victim. It's that tiny sprite Edna sitting all by herself in the hut. Brandon sits across from her, takes a deep breath, and says, "I know I'm screwing this up for myself, but you should know that the people you trust hate you and want you dead. Sorry you had to hear it from me. Friends?" Edna blinks a few times and responds, "So I'm not in an alliance of 6?" Already feeling the goodness well up inside of him, Brandon exclaims, "Nope!" He waves goodbye to a weeping Edna and skips off into the distance. Once alone, he crosses "Crush Edna's sole" off of his list. This "being good" stuff is a piece of cake. God must be super proud of him now!



Over on Savannah a very strange basket of bathing suits arrives along with a tree mail telling them to send two people to Rhode Island (Redemption Island) to witness the duel. I call the basket o'suits "strange" because, and correct me if I'm wrong, haven't the Survivors always had bathing suits to wear? I realize my memory is about as accurate as all of Mary Jane's clients, but I swear I've seen Survivors in bathing suits before. Anyhow, everyone's got a spankin' new suit and poor soccer mom Dawn is beginning to feel the weight of her age. I'm not sure why a flattering pair of boy shorts makes her feel older than a Warren Jeff's skirt does, but, hey, to each her own.



In the meantime, Mary Jane is busy coming up with another looney smoke and mirrors plan to make the Impala's think that the Savannah's are weak. It's has something to do with the Pythagorean theorem and the price of cheese of Wisconsin. Who knows? Ozzy half listens to what Mary Jane is saying then stretches catlike and yawns, "No strategy. Chill out bro." ChickenHawk giggles and smacks Ozzy on the ass. "Oh you!", she exclaims. Dawn catches Ozzy mocking Mary Jane and wonders to herself if maybe "No strategy" really means "Yes strategy". Her no muss no fuss hairdo is telling her that Ozzy has probably been strategizing all along. He just doesn't like it when others strategize. You could be onto something there Dawnie Pooh.

And this brings us to the big duel at Rhode Island. It's Christine Rachel Wood v. Nurse Jackie (Mark). We have Brandon and Edna representing Impala and Cochran and Mary Jane representing Savannah. Before the battle to the death can begin, Brandon has some business to take care of if you don't mind. "Christine Marie Combs, I'm a man o' God now and I'd like to 'pologize fer my behavior. I played ruthless but I've turned over a new testicle, I mean leaf. I hope you do well." Young Hantz smiles to himself and begins crossing off "Tell that old lady I feels bad" from his list. Before he can finish, Christine Ian Black says, "I don't know if I buy it." Like Joan Crawford discovering a wire hanger in the closet, Brandon's lips go thin and the list begins to crinkle in his hands. Edna slowly shifts away while Brandon tries to nonchalantly hide the steam coming out of his nose. Oh dear. Looks like we're back to square one.

For today's duel, players will toss sandbags onto crates. The first person to successfully get one bag on each of the ten crates will live to see another day. The losery loser gets to go home. Survivors ready, go!





The bags begin a' flying and both players land their first crate. Christine Michel Basquiat shoots flawlessly up to her fifth bag while Nurse Jackie began screwing up at bag two. Toss, toss, toss, Nurse Jackie finally begins to make some headway, but in the end it was too little too late. CHRISTINE PATRICK FLANNERY STAYS ALIVE!!!



We bid you adieu Nurse Jackie. The odds were never in your favor when you ended up on Savannah. You probably would have lasted a hell of a lot longer had you been on Impala. Sorry buddy. Laters. And uh, shoot some scrips my way when you get a chance.

Back at Impala, Edna has decided to take it upon herself to win her way back into the tribe's good graces. With a smile on her face and a song in her heart, she tries to wrestle the shirt off of Rancher Rick's back in an effort to wash it. "You want me to wash it? I'll wash it. It feels stiff. I should wash it. Here, give it to me. Scrub, scrub, scrub - that's my middle name! Tee hee hee. And later, sucky sucky!" A wave of secondhand embarrassment washed over me as I watched Edna flit back and forth making coffee, giving manicures, polishing grains of sand, and laughing at unsaid jokes. Spacey (Stacey) and I looked at one another and just shook our heads. Coach, however, finagled a massage out of it all and I'm willing to bet there was a happy ending involved. Good for you Coach!

So while Rick was getting scrubbed and Coach was getting rubbed, Spacey said more words than I've ever heard her say in the history of Survivor South Pacific. Please to enjoy: "It just lahk ricocheted an' ran an' the girl go awn an' awn an' awn an' awn. D'she have a off switch? Ah don't think she have a off switch. She nee' ta be disconnected. Dat wut she nee' ta be! Dis-co-nected." Spacey, where have you been all my life? That was beauteous.



Meanwhile, with her broken 'off' switch, Edna moved to the water and is now sucking on the teat of Mikayla. Sure, she had to fight Brandon off with a stick, but she got there and now she's going to milk it for all it's worth. Pun intended. "Are you a model? What do you model for? TV, print, books, magazines, porn, movies, sides of buildings, what? Tell me. You're on the cover of things? That's so cool! I'll have to go look for it. Oh my god, I should get your autograph. It's neat when models do model-ly things cuz I could never be a model, but you're a model and wow I can't believe I know you. For real! Sucky sucky?" I'm sad we missed the conversation where she pestered Rancher Rick on how to kill a buffalo, but if I use my powers of imagination I think it would go something like this: "Oh my god you killed a buffalo? Really? That's so cool! What did you kill it with? Did you give it a name? If I could name a buffalo, I'd name it Sparky. Isn't that funny? Sparky. Haha hee hee! How many bullets did it take to kill Sparky? Did he cry? Oh my god did you make hamburgers out of him? I'll bet those were delicious. I only eat birdseed and blades of grass, but that sounds yum. Take me hunting with you one day, Rick. Sucky sucky?"


Over at Savannah, Cochran has finished the complicated math equation of 1+1=2. It is numerically impossible for him and Mary Jane to get ChickenHawk out of the tribe with only two people on their side. They need to pull in others and that batshit crazy lady running around clipping coupons and getting the kids ready for the talent show looks like a good possibility. Cochran tells Dawn that he doesn't think Mary Jane is ready to get rid of Ozzy just yet. Dawn whispers, "ChickenHawk!" And there you go. Cochran and Mary Jane now have a third. Only, don't tell them that 3 is less than 4 (Ozzy, ChickenHawk, Whitney, Energizer Bunny (Keith)) or else tonight's meatloaf could get burnt. But hey, it's a good start. The scales of justice are slowly beginning to tip in the underdog's favor.

And now we arrive at the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge three members of each tribe will stand with a pole across their shoulders. In each round, weight will be added to that pole. The decision about which tribe member gets that weight will be made by the opposing tribe. When the weight becomes too much to bear and your pole drops, you're out of the challenge. Last person standing wins Immunity and a Reward of live poultry for their tribe. Survivors ready, go!


For Impala, we have Lil Hantz, Albert, and Spacey. For Savannah, we have Mary Jane, Energizer Bunny, and Dawn (huh?). Both tribes start by targeting the strongest: Albert and Energizer Bunny. Brandon and Mary Jane get picked next with Spacey and Dawn picked last. With the magic of television, time elapses and Brandon and Mary Jane quickly acquire over 200 lbs each. Faces grimacing, leg shaking, this is clearly a "Who wants it more?" challenge. But hark! Is that an ass shelf I see? Shoulders schmoulders! Spacey is taking the "bootay" route and resting that pole right on the junk in her trunk. And it's not booty, it's bootay I'll have you know. I like big butts and I cannot lie...



Poor Energizer Bunny has a bum ticker and a small ass so it's no surprise that he falls first. What was surprising, however, was the quick exit of Albie. I figured with his chesticles, he'd breeze through this and be the hero of the day. But alas, it wasn't meant to be. Kaboom! Buh bye Albert. I was sad to see him fall, but I was also thrilled to witness his anger. "Dammit! Dammit!", he bellowed. That's the most we've heard out of Albert all season! Time ticks on and bootay master Spacey seems to have things under control, but Mary Jane and Brandon are struggling. Mary Jane can't stop growling and I think all the weight has made Brandon a few inches shorter. Spindly Dawn begins swaying in the wind and I'm pleasantly surprised by her determination.




The weight continues to grow and like dominoes the last of the men are out. We're now down to Spacey and her badonkadonk and Dawn and her... uh cardigan and knee high socks. I figured with Spacey's caboose we'd be here til next Tuesday, but it wasn't meant to be. If you hadn't seen it for yourself you wouldn't believe me, but DAWN WINS IMMUNITY!!! Wow. Victory well deserved, lady. Now, when's dinner gonna be ready?


Back at Impala, the mood isn't all that sparkly, but Spacey is confident. Her ass kicked some ass in that challenge and there's clearly no reason to keep that chatterbox birch twig Edna around, right? Coach gathers his team in the locker room and delivers a moving speech of inspiration, "Let's not get down. We'll uh keep our heads up and we'll live to see another day. Onward and upward. Be aggressive. B-E Aggressive. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. (Oh Sheila) You're in good hands with Allstate. Break!"

Spacey may be confident, but Edna is not. A little tiny voice on her shoulder is telling her that there is a chance she could be going home tonight. She turns to Spacey for advice and Spacey looks at her like she has 3 heads and a tail. Good thing for us Spacey is about to air her grievances, "Edna is awn a easter egg hunt! She is scrambling like scrambled eggs in a hot skillet right about now. Whatdyou think? You ain't tawked ta me since day one! Now all of a sudden you wanna tawk to me!" At home I said "Hmm mmm, you go girl." "And them bones, bones, bones, skeleton too much, you can't win with all bones. Too many bones." I'm not exactly sure what she was saying there, but I waved a lighter back and forth anyways.


After some deep thought Spacey decides she "gotta lie to kick it". I think that translates to "mess with these triflin' fools heads". And mess with them she does! Her target is the saintly young Hantz. In one swift motion, she tells him to watch his back and that his alliance isn't all it's cracked up to be. Brandon panics and asks, "You mean Sophie, Albert, and Mikayla?" Spacey stands in stony silence. Well, that's as good as a "yessiree bob" as far as Lil Hantz is concerned. He runs to Coach and reports that their alliance is imploding. They're all plotting! Mayday! Mayday! Coach smacks himself in the head and, in a very un-Coach like way shouts, "Stop it! Just stop it!" *giggles* It was awesome! Things like common sense, logical thinking, and connecting the dots prove to be way too much for Brandon to absorb so he gets up and walks away from Coach, but not without leaving him with one last little dig. Brandon asks, "Tell me, how many people have screwed you the past two times you played this game?" How dare you! See, now if that were me, Brandon would have been history. Not only was it a slimy thing to say, but it reeked of untrustworthiness. You can't trust people who have digs in their pocket ready to throw at you. Coach should have slit his throat right then and there. I really hope that keeping this punk kid around doesn't screw up Coach's game. For an alliance based on trust, it looks more like a colander than the Prudential Rock Of Gibraltar.

And now we arrive at Tribal Council. Spacey defends her performance in the challenge while Coach nods in agreement and says she has the "warrior spirit". The conversation turns to strength and I kind of hoped someone would flick Edna into the fire with their fingertips, but instead Sophie talked about physcial strength versus strength in numbers. Now, I don't know if Dimples was bored with the way the conversation was going, but he started questioning everyone on what they find most annoying in one another. It was weird and unnecessary. The only thing accomplished by it was getting Albert and Rancher Rick to say a couple of words. Other than that, not a fan of the word games, Dimples.

When it came Mikayla's turn to speak she said that Brandon was a "good boy", but he's got that evil Hantz blood running through his veins. First off, wake the fuck up Mikayla. I mean, seriously. Your career is knocking people down with brute force. Why are you so squirrely when it comes to sitting around the campfire? Is it the flames? Is it Dimples? Is it that story about the golden hand? Tell me!

Thankfully, the flames don't make young Brandon clam up. As a matter of fact, the flames are a reminder of all the evil he's witnessed. Burning, burning, smoldering evil. Fire and brimstone evil. The fiery embers glow and out comes Brandon's word vomit. In the form of tears. Hurray! "Temptation. I love my uncle with all my heart. Boobies. I'm proud to be a Hantz. Sucky sucky. I just want to be someone that God is proud of." *sniffle sniffle* Seriously kid, you've got issues.

After a vote I don't entirely agree with, Spacey is the 4th person voted out of Survivor South Pacific. So, what do you guys think? Should Edna have been voted out instead? Will Brandon eventually turn on Coach? Can Mary Jane and Cochran reel in any more new alliance members? What's your Native American name? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

34 comments:

  1. Pannoowau (my name)...great post as usual...is it just me or are they placing too much time with young hantz? he really is boring me to death..wrong to get rid of spacey she was a strong girl

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  2. I too am thus far disappointed with Mikayla. Some of it's got to be the edit too--I mean we hardly know anything about her. And yes, Brandon will turn on Coach--I mean, he already has! He just f'd up Coach's side squeeze setup by telling her there is no alliance of six. And last week he tried to get Coach to vote out the lingerie 'passing forward' by directly lying to him and the entire gang.

    ....If Coach loses, it will be largely due to Lil-H. I hope the rest of the alliance sees what a loose canon he is. Lil-H was funny at first, but now he's just turning into a very sad/ugly version of Pretty Pony. I'm done with him.

    oh and sweeeeet!
    Your name means:
    Blood Red Laughing Maiden.
    Rock my f-ing socks off!!!!

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  3. If you re-submit long enough, I'm sure you'll get Mystic Young Beaver to come out of the Native American Name generator for Elyse. It's random.

    As Edna showed she was willing to tongue ass deeply to stick around, I'd sure keep her around longer than Stacey. Women, geez. You can't stand whores and gigolos. What's a guy to do with you?

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  4. My name is Kimi Sheshebens....which I think would also be a good porn name. However, it means "Secret Small Duck".

    Loved the Costanza reference. Architect! ha ha

    That batshit crazy lady running around clipping coupons....

    And her with her uh....cardigan and knee high socks. too much!

    I think it was stupid to get rid of Spacey also. I really hope that Cochran and Mary Jane can get more people. I'd love to knock Ozzy off his pedestal. He's coming off as really arrogant to me and I don't like it.

    Why did anonymous have to rain on our Native American Name generator parade? It's way more fun to pretend like that's really our name.

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  5. Wahchinksapa Kosumi - Wise One who Fishes for Salmon with Spear

    I have to agree with you about the Coach/Brainless (Brandon) dynamic. For me, had I been in Coach's place, that would have been the kid's last chance with me. I would have called a meeting and chastised Brandon and made a motion that he be sent to Redemption Island (his bedroom) to think about what he's done. And, following the whole "God Loves Me" idea, if God willed it, he'd get back in the game. Really, who would have gone against a move like that? Stacey didn't want to go home, Edna didn't want to go home, and pretty much everyone else thinks Brandon is Bat-Shit.

    I like intelligence in this game. Whether it's for "good" or "evil".. I don't care.. And the one person I think has the potential to show some intelligence is Cochran, but he's just not doing it. Seriously, you did the whole sucky sucky routine with Edna, but that's pretty much what Cochran is doing. He needs to forget about being a "supporting cast member" and become an evil mastermind. Instead of avoiding Ozzy (arguably the leader of the tribe), he needs to have a sit down with Ozzy and appeal to his vanity of wanting to play strategically. Make one small plan, and if it's successful, Ozzy will come back and be like.. "Ok, what's next"... and then Cochran can begin to use the only gift he supposedly has, and that's his so-far-absent intelligence.

    Someone mentioned the amount of time being placed with Hantz... I think that "Christianity" has become an archetype in this game. notably, I think Matt Elrod introduced the philosophy of how a strong religious belief can impact a person in this type of game. He, of course, did nothing outstanding in the actual game, other than dominate Redemption Island. But, even that was made into a huge deal on the frontlines of the higher power belief system. Now, this season, you have the kin of the Satanic Russell, who is supposedly a Christian. So, that's why they're spending so much time on it.. it's a double whammy... His bloodline and his religion at war with each other. Who can deny that it's creating a buzz?

    We can all agree, I think, that Survivor has strayed from being a reality game show about Survival in every sense to being about sensationalism.

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  6. Exact Repeating Tongue wants to admit he was wrong about Dawn.

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  7. Vandalyzed I respect your opinion but pleases don't make generalizations such as "we can all agree ." we don't...

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  8. Meoquanee Sheshebens AKA Red Wearing Small Duck says: Russell Hantz is like one of my all time favorite survivors and Brandon Shit-For-Brains is like my least fave ever. I don't get why they keep making such a big deal that they are related when they are nothing alike. It is just so dumb and such a reach for a story.
    Three cheers for no plate breaking challenges yet this season!
    Coach sucks, Ozzie sucks, I like Stacey, but I can't understand her, I hate ChickenHawk, Brandon sucks, The Morman is so life-coach-clam-shell weird. And no one else is really doing anything. Still this season seems alright...

    and I am way in love with Cochran. Omg. With a passion <3 So hot.

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  9. @prettyplainjo--agreed about Johnny-C! More, more, more. ...But I think the best way for him to stay in the game is for Savaii to dominate all challenges until the merge. Really.

    oh--and I FORGOT about Coach's weird idea to give Spacey a hug as he sends her off to death row. Too funny. ...Gives me some hope that the 'old' coach is still lurking around in there somewhere.

    And OH!!! I will have to buy a new case of glitter to celebrate while I watch that awesome new pass-the-meat challenge next week! It looks a-maz-ing!

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  10. Faithful Deer Jumping Downhill. That's me alright.
    I am going to believe this truly was/is my name. Since I was born on a reservation in S.D. and worked @ IHS (Indian Health Services), I am going to stick with it. My husband is rolling his eyes at the "faithful" part but what the hell, the deer jumping downhill could be me. ;-)
    I was surprised to see Stacy go too but can anyone admire her social game? RI should be interesting next week with 2 friends going at it.
    I agree, either Ozzy is getting an odd edit or he's lost his personality along the way. And Cochran COULD be a factor but when you have been bullied (more than likely) your whole life, would be hard to step it up and be dominant in anything? Edna, yeah, on my last nerve. Would love to hear from Papa Bear. I liked him and didn't want to see him go.
    Fav part? Gotta be reference to the meatloaf again. It gets me every time! She's so the meatloaf type.
    Well, Big Collette, you did it again. You totally rock at this shit!

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  11. Must I get a Native American name? After how wrong my fairy name went, I don't have a good feeling about this...

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  12. Yes Jen. It's a requirement now. Do it and report back.

    Remind me again, what was your fairy name?

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  13. Wild Flower Dancing BirdOctober 6, 2011 at 11:07 PM

    Brandon's native name should be Crying baby Creeping Predator.

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  14. "but hark! Is that an ass shelf I see?"
    I love you, Colette Lala. You make me laugh with each installment.

    -signed, Makkitotosimew Shuman, aka large- breasted rattlesnake handler

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  15. Makkitotosimew Wauna = Large Breasted Singing Snow Goose

    My name sucky-sucky!

    But your blog is awesome as usual!

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  16. Anonymous is just sore because his NA name came up as Imoto Bawowu, or "Greasy Small Testicles".

    Another great recap, Lala. I think Coach is happy to have Li'l Hantz around because it makes him look normal. Usually by this point in the game, as early as it is, I'd be rolling my eyes and shouting at the screen, "Why haven't you gotten rid of that loony yet?", but I'm actually pulling for Coach this go round. I'd love to see a jury try to come up with questions for a Coach-Cochran Final 2.

    I do have to question the hate exhibited by Christine and Stacy. WTF, ladies! Both of you wanted someone else out of the game as much as someone else wanted you gone! It's the way the game is; there can only be one winner. Quit acting like you're 5 years old!

    Yr Friend, Apenimon Kajika (Trustworthy One Who Walks Without Sound)

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  17. Loved the recap, as always! L'il Hantz has some serious skeletons in his closet that haunt him continuously. Wow!

    As for my Indian name, we match up well together!

    I'm Bimsi Kachada, which means Slippery White Man. I think that goes well with Mystic Young Beaver if you ask me! ;)

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  18. I may be a little late, but at least I'm getting it done. Anpaytoo Tis-See-Woo-Na-Tis. Which means, Radiant Woman Who Bathes With Her Knees. I'll take it.

    Awesome blog, as usual. I'm sure everyone at work is wondering why I'm chuckling to myself.

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  19. Tall Wild Dove - ha ha, that name thing is jacked-up (as Spacey would say...).
    Hey did you notice that one interview with the chick holding the coconut drink with a flower in it, I swear I spotted a straw too. It's like Club Med out there in fucking Samoa. Can you tell I have a resentment!

    Lil Hantz is a big bag of crazy, and you may not think that the Uncle Hantz relation would have any impact on him... But, tellin ya... after living with Big Hantz in looser lodge for a month, I can very well see where the whole family might not be running on all cylinders... cause frankly, I've never seen anything like that Uncle. Ass hole.

    Anyway, thanks for my weekly laugh-out-loud time.

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  20. I havent watched this weeks episode yet, but couldnt wait to read your blog.. Loved it.. Great as always..Sucky sucky.. kills me!!! My Native American name is Charitable Bird with Big Beak.. How that damn interweb site knows that my nose is almost Karl Malden like, I will never know..

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  21. Morning Plucked FlowerOctober 7, 2011 at 5:19 PM

    Love the "ass-shelf" ~ now that's laugh out loud funny.

    I'd love to get your input on the group hug that Coach suggested everyone give Spacey before Dimples extinguished her torch. I don't think I've ever seen that on Survivor. I could have told them that she wasn't having any part of it. Weird.
    Your thoughts?

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  22. Pannoowau Kwatoko here (Lying Bird With Big Beak), quite a name,no?

    I am not at all surprised that Stacey is gone - who else? Wasn't it originally between her and that triple name chick anyway? What I WAS surprised to see, however, was that both tribes have fishing gear at this point in the game. Wasn't it supposed to be earned/won? Nobody looks like they've lost any weight either. SO maybe Ms Kell there has a point - it does look like Club Med there in South Pacific.

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  23. WTF? Kakawangwa Meda. It means Bitter Prophetess. That is actually pretty funny cuz I looked up what a prophetess is and it means, a woman who speaks for God. I am actually quite the opposite, I won't say anything further in that regards but the bitter part is pretty right on.

    I'm glad Spacy is gone, she was a bitch. I like Edna but that yakaty yakking of hers was getting on my last nerve. Funny how she thought that by being overly friendly and asking people questions about themselves was going to put her in better with her tribe when in actuality it annoyed the piss out of them.

    I actually like Coach so far this season which is very unusual cuz I have despised Coach with every fiber of my being in his last 2 seasons and I actually threw something at the TV when they showed the previews of him on this season. I am SICK of returning contestants. SICK, SICK, SICK to death of them.

    OMFG have you seen who the person is on the CBS website show 'Around the World for free'? It is that stupid bitch Poverty (Parvati) I don't watch it but I do watch other shows on their website and they play her ad like 50 times during the commercials.

    Great blog as always. I was laughing my ass off as usual.

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  24. That Native American name thing is a little weird. First it gave me Yanisin Wuyi (Ashamed Soaring Turkey Vulture) then since I didn't like that one, I tried it again and it gave me Ahiga Machakw (Fighting Horny Toad). I just figured it'd be the same.. lol
    I completely skipped the whole "What's annoying about this person" thing. They're supposed to cause the drama. Not the host. I think it was a good idea to get rid of Stacey, just because she seems to be able to tell when some people are lying or not. Though, it seemed like she didn't believe anyone. I just wish she had gone around and tried to stir up drama with everyone. Not just Brandon. Maybe she did, they could have just cut it out. I like Albert a lot. He talked in one tribal council when Christine tried to out Coach about trying to evict her, and Albert sounded incredibly smart. Forget Brandon turning on Coach, I want Coach to turn on Brandon. I don't know why people think he's so interesting, but I don't. I have no clue why Coach would even want him around. All he does is screw up his own game. I'm glad Mary Jane realized maybe having a Sea God like Ozzy around isn't such a good idea either. The 2 + 2 hotties are getting close though. I just don't get, if Keith knows Ozzy has the idle (upper hand) Whitney knows too (Ozzy doesn't trust her to tell her himself) Mary Jane, Cochran and Dawn all know they're on the outs: WHY DON'T THEY GET RID OF HIM?? It drives me nuts with these people. Anyway, my pick to win though is the Cowboy guy. I'm shocked every time he's on the show since I think "Who the hell is that?" sucky sucky XD Keep up the great posts!

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  25. Nukpana Lenmana which means "Evil Flute Girl" well they got the evil right, but I am not musical at all...unless they're referring to a skin flute.

    Great blog again LaLa, love your work! I was surprised no one commented on Edna taking off her buff to hand it to Lil' Hanz when he started crying. He looked at her as if to say "what the fuck are you giving that to me for you crazy bitch? If I wanted to snarf on a buff I'd use the one I'm wearing". That was just God awfully awkward.

    Totally agree about getting rid of Ozzy. He appears to have become an arrogant arsehole since getting some notoriety and fan veejayjay. After last season I didn't think the veterans had a hope in hell staying in this game but it appears that these people just never ever learn.

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  26. LOL ~ skin flute. Nice.
    Kristina, now I am very gullible and I pretty much believe everything I read (well almost . . . for example I don't think there is this guy in Liberia willing to mail me 15K if I sent him 2K) so I am assuming you are THE Kristina Kell from last season. So welcome and I have some questions 'please to answer' (God, I'm now talking like Ms LaLa). What the fuck was up with those boils on Russell's armpits? That sight had to be good for any diet. And was he as arrogant as the edit showed? And did he really think with his reputation anyone would believe a thing he said? Lastly, how long were you in therapy after a month with Russell?

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  27. My Indian name: Matwau Bodaway, the enemy fire maker O_o

    BTW, great job with the Ebonics...its was hilarious

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  28. Well, it says my Indian name is Apenimon Pahana, Trustworthy Lost White Brother. Well, allrighty!

    I fear for Christina Bowles Parker's fate with Spacey going to RI, that bitch looked pissed! Yeah, they light have BEEN friends, but this shit is gonna get fucking serious up in here! May the Lord have mercy on the rest of the tribe if she gets back in the game, Judgement Day might just be around the corner for them (especially Coach).

    Clearly getting thrown out of the tribe must bring clarity of mind, Spacey figured out Coach was running the show? Damn, we hadn't noticed.

    Lil' Lucifer worries me, that boy just ain't right.

    As always, great blog Lala, you slay me!

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  29. Nukpana Cocheta which means "evil stranger". I like it. :]

    Coach needs to get rid of Brandon. He'd make a good patsy if only he weren't so unpredictable and sketchy. You never know if he's going to feel a bout of paranoia and fuck the vote up or something.

    Love MJ- I love his devious car salesman smile and the idea of he and Cochran working together?! I've been loving Cochran from the beginning! I almost peed myself with excitement in lieu of my giddy go-to, the breast/glitter dunk, as I had run out of glitter ;_;

    Spacey should have stayed- Edna drives me nuts and I wish she'd leave. Spacey's ass shelf- both impressive and scary.

    P.S. This comment was brought to you by the letters THCXANAX, so, sorry if my writing was less than coherent.... I should go to bed.

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  30. Sour Vine Growing Around an Oak Tree. Good lord. I asked my friends, they said it fitted me well enough.

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  31. Just to clear some things up:

    Dawn can benchpress 180. So her spot at the challenge was justified.

    Albert slipped up at the challenge. He was resting one arm, bent over. The pole slipped back, and he couldn't catch it in time. That's why he was so suprised and angry.

    I am not seeing where Cochran is smart anymore. He already stated he doesn't know how to do the complicated puzzles(he's only book smart, I assume. Like Lawyer David). And by how the show edited currently, it's almost like he wasn't even in an alliance with Dawn or Papa Bear either. And since Keith and Whitney are a pair, and Ozzy and Elyse are a pair, there's no way Jim's plan is gonna work. So I don't see Cochran surviving another tribal.

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  32. Friendly One of the Mysterious VoiceOctober 9, 2011 at 2:10 PM

    @ Kristina Kell:

    Fact#1: The Earth revolves around the Sun.

    Fact#2: Debbie Harry is the hottest female to have existed on said Earth. Thanks for the pic, K.

    @Lala:
    ...sorry, too drunk to come up with anything tonight...

    ...unless...

    maybe cliche asian prostitute?

    me luv you long time?

    naaah, fuck it, I need a drink...

    CUL8TR Alligatorrrrrrr...

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  33. Those whacky Native Americans. Are these names or a contest to see how many letters of the alphabet can be used?

    Matwau Heskovisenako = Enemy Porcupine Bear

    Ok, I have a few bare prickly moments but I'm unaware of any enemies.

    Nice recap Lala, as usual. I'm off to dip my quills in glitter so that I might confuse strangers about my secret hateful self.

    Don't rub me the wrong way.

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  34. Awendela Mansi = Morning Plucked Flower

    Doesn't my hubby wish!

    Great blog as always LaLa!

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