Thursday, October 20, 2011

That's Lasciviousness



There comes a time in everyone's life when sides must be chosen and lines must be drawn in the sand. The languid life of teeter-toterring hither and thither has to come to an end and either you fight for Sparta or you fight for Troy. Or, maybe, you throw a baby bottle hurling tantrum and you end up siding with Gymboree instead. *shrugs shoulders* Who knows? All I know is that at some point lasciviousness will rear her wanton head and crush the world of "almosts" and "littles" right before our very eyes. No more little lies (try telling that to Fleetwood Mac), no more almost highs (try telling that to Mary Jane), and no more half caf half way loyal dawdling. A lie is a lie, a bong is a bong, and either you take your coffee full caf or decaf. It's all or nothing, baby. We've got ourselves a war to fight and you sissy middle-of-the-roaders better get out of the way or start digging your own graves. This is a battle to the death. I'm not exactly sure what it is we're fighting for, but to hear Young Brandon tell it, it sounds ominous and Old Testament-y. It could be for the sanctity of our souls or simply for the right to get "JUEVOS RANCHEROS" tattooed wherever we want. Either one sounds like a good cause to me. Viva Zapata! Let's recap, shall we?

After a brutal Tribal Council where his undercover massage queen was all of a sudden voted out, Curly Sea God Ozzy is angry, my friends. His lips are thin, his hair is kinky, his manhood whimpers, and, I don't know how, but he's found a binky to carry around with him. Ozzy isn't spitting mad. He's not trashing the joint or anything. Instead he's doing his, "Well, I guess I know who my real friends are" side eyeroll thing that people do when they're angry yet also want everyone to see them as a victim. With one foot in the sand spelling, "I MISS MY HANDJOBS", Ozzy announces that he is now a free agent. Henceforth, he'll be playing only for himself and all you lovekillers can go ahead and play for yourselves. The scene is very dark and the faces observing are clouded in mystery and fear. One little country girl speaks up and says, "I dawn't undastaind why u tekkin this so person'ly." Whitney assures Ozzy that none of this was an attack on him which is kind of funny because getting rid of Chickenhawk (Elyse) was exactly an attack on Ozzy.

Ozzy clutches his blankie and tells them that withholding info from him is clearly a sign of attack. Out of nowhere Dawn chirps, "Oh give me a break Ozzy! You withhold shit from us all the time." I may have paraphrased that a little bit, but that's not important. What's important is that Dawn sees through the shiny pretty hunter/gatherer Ozzy Of The People image he's so desperately trying to portray. Ozzy is playing with his own agenda just like everyone else is. So while Energizer Bunny (Keith) is hiding in a corner hoping the badness goes away and that Ozzy doesn't hold a grudge against him, kick ass Dawn confronts the situation head on and stops pretending that shitpies are gumdrops. What do you supposed Ozzy's response to Dawn was? "Well, I got the Idol. How 'bout that?!", he spits. The rest of his tribe sits open-mouthed. Cochran checks his ears to see if he heard him right while Keith buries his head in the sand and waits for the next morning.


The next day at Savannah (Savai'i) we find the sun shining and a gentle breeze blowing, but there's an ugliness now. A waft of stinky betrayal hangs thick over the camp. While Ozzy is off pouting underwater trying to find a mermaid to love, the rest of the tribe is ashore shaking their heads over what a baby Ozzy is. Dawn wants to put Ozzy in a time out and demand an apology. Whitney & Keith appear more worried about themselves than anything else while Mary Jane (Jim) sits with his dead-eyed toothy grin and begins to count his million. Mary Jane is thrilled that the plan he didn't really architect has spiraled out of control and has sent Ozzy to the funny farm. Cochran too is excited. Well, as excited as a bespectacled guy in a sweater vest can get. Excitement to Cochran is defined as "not anxious". Sometimes, for brief fleeting moments, Cochran feels the veil of anxiety lift and he gets to take a good look around at what the world looks like to someone who's not chronically neurotic. The glimpses are quick. Like a blink of an eye. They don't stick around long and they don't make empty promises they can't keep, but they remind Cochran that there is always something to work towards. And isn't that what life is about? Bettering yourself, working towards a goal, stickin' it to the jocks who never invited you once to their frat party. I think that and collecting a bunch of figurines mint-in-box is what propels Cochran towards a future he can be proud of. His past may have been less than perfect, but sitting on this beach right now watching Ozzy fingerpaint boobies and legs. This is perfection.


Back at Impala (Upolu) Lil Hantz has taken it upon himself to go searching for the Hidden Immunity Idol Clue. With that pesky Merge around the corner, he'd rather be safe than sorry. Besides, he's a Hantz! He can do this. He can sniff an idol out of the ass of a 19 year old's firm young backside if need be. *sniff sniff* Well, looky here. That's a clue! Young Brandon finds it fairly quickly and then scampers off to show it to Albie (I'm ditching Welch's - It's too confusing with the apostrophe) and Coach. "Being a Hantz pays off," he says as he removes the clue from the buff around his neck. It got stuck at one point and his MADRE tattoo actually looked like it said DRE for a split second. For that one brief hiccup in time, Brandon actually looked tough. Of course the PINATA tattoo underneath it takes away any and all credibility.


So Brandon has the clue. Coach and Albie give him high fives and in a condescending tone say, "Look at you!" "Look at you" is the go to phrase when little kids say "Watch me do this!" and then they kick spastically in the air and expect you to applaud. That's all Brandon is - a child who kicks like a spaz. With karate chops and jaunty jumps, Brandon searches high and low for the Idol while Coach cheers him on from the shore. The more he watches Brandon move and walk like a bulldog, the more those visions of Survivor yesteryear flash before his eyes. All Coach can see is Russell - evil, devilish Russell - and it scares him to death. Loyalty and integrity may be strong tenets of the dragon slayer code of ethics, but are they so sacrosanct as to blithely apply and protect any random TACO-tattooer? Coach isn't so sure, but he'll sleep with one eye open from here on out. You can count on that.



This brings us to Rhode Island (Redemption Island). Ozzy & Keith are there representing Savannah while Rancher (man of few words) Rick & Sophie are there representing Impala. The gladiators are marched in and immediately Ozzy begins making obscene finger gestures to Chickenhawk (Elyse). Maybe he can get a quick handy by osmosis? Dimples ignores Ozzy's lewd tongue movements and turns his attention to Christine Wayne Gacy. Her stringy hair is pulled back, that muumuu she's been wearing looks like it doubles as both a bed and toilet paper, and , most importantly, the spirit has gone out of her eyes. She's a matted rub of what she used to be. Just sort of a blurb of a person we once knew perhaps. Dimples asks her about her life on Rhode Island and she collapses into an uncharacteristic pile of tears. It just goes to show you - no matter how tough you might think you are, that tiny Rhode Island where all the people talk funny can kick your ass. I think the Pretty Pony lasted a good long while before he sniffled puffy beauteous tears that tasted like strawberries. This Christine Allen Coe isn't nearly as magical as my Pretty Pony was. I seriously doubt she can fly over rainbows like he could.

Alright so for this week's duel we're going to pretend we're in an old folk's home and you two harpies are going to play Shuffleboard. Really Survivor? Shuffleboard? That's the best you can come up with? It's very rare that I bitch about Survivor challenges - mostly because they're elaborate and difficult - but these Rhode Island challenges SUCK. It's like game night at the neighbor's house. Bean bag tossing, pssh! Pole balancing, tosh! Give me a challenge where there's some anxiety, some tension, some PAIN. This week is like air hockey at the arcade. Ugh. Whatever.





So yeah the goal is to knock off the other person's pucks before they can knock off yours. Whish, whish, kerplunk! CHRISTINE BIGGS DAWSON stays alive!!! Ozzy whimpers to himself as ChickenHawk waves sadly and walks away. Her stay in the game was brief and her contributions were nil, but, oh, what she could do with her mouth! Conversely, Christine Hyde Pierce gathers up her belongings and very maturely flicks off her tribe as she begins the trek back to her sad little shelter where she'll have sand fleas and rotten sea cucumbers for dinner. Yum!


On the way back to Impala, Rancher Rick has a hesitance to his mosey. He didn't care for the fact that Christine Shay Smith was so angry and unreasonable at the duel. A cowgirl would never treat a cowboy in such a rude manner. A cowgirl would nod and curtsy. That's the only polite thing to do. Her willingness to flout the laws of cowboy decency leads him to only one rational conclusion: if she ever makes it back into the game, she'll kill him and everyone else in their tribe. Sophie nods in agreement and they both know that if Christine Harvey Oswald reenters the game she's go on a firing spree after everyone left at Impala. Seriously, any security people associated with the production of Survivor need to make sure that their weapons haven't been stolen or tampered with. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if Christine Paige Kent has a glock in her hoo-ha and she's just waiting for the appropriate time to use it.

While there's not much anyone can do right now to thwart off an imminent attack from Christine Bean Cobain, there is something Edna can do to make herself a little more useful and necessary. Since she's not the strongest of women and is but a mere wisp of a girl, she'll contribute to camp life much in the way Cochran likes to contribute to camp life. She'll carry twigs and thimbles full of water while pretending to be in a great hurry to tackle her list of chores. Coach appreciates her willingness to dive right in and help and can often be heard shouting, "Edna, I love you!" through the trees. It's a sweet friendship they have and I do think it's sincere. Remember Edna was the only one human enough to offer to help Coach back on day one. The rest of those selfish bastards left him in the dust. If there's one person on this tribe that Coach can 100% count on for support and loyalty, it's Edna. It's just so unfortunate that she gets lost in a bag of marshmallows and weighs no more than a paperclip!

Over at Savannah, Ozzy has done some soul searching and he's just now realizing that he made a huge mistake when he lost his marbles last night after tribal council. The day he spent all alone is weighing it's toll on him and now he wants to rekindle some of those friendships he destroyed. More importantly, he really wants someone to fan him with a giant palm leaf and feed him grapes like they used to. Energizer Bunny is cool with letting Ozzy back in. I mean, yeah, whatever. That's the Bunny's reaction to everything, "Yeah, whatever." I'll bet he learned that from Ozzy.

Ozzy makes the long embarrassing walk back to his tribe and peering through matted curls, he apologizes for his behavior and says all he wants is unity. Dawn runs over the refrigerator and sticks a gold star right next to Ozzy's name. Tonight he'll be able to play monopoly with the rest of the family instead of having to sit in the corner of the living room with a dunce hate on. Mary Jane, however, isn't so bedazzled by Ozzy's sincerity. He knows Ozzy came to the hard realization that when you alienate everyone you ever had on your side, you end up alone. Cold, miserable, and alone. Mary Jane can also look at the practical side of things. With Ozzy back in the fold, he can help them win challenges until the Merge. And then once at the Merge, Ozzy will have a huge target on his back. What more could Mary Jane ask for?! (weed)

And now we arrive at the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, teams will race to assemble a wheelbarrow. They will then push the wheelbarrow through a series of obstacles stopping along the way to collect two loads of coconuts. After dumping the coconuts into a trough, the remaining tribe members will then take apart the wheelbarrow and turn it into a sling shot. They'll use the slingshot to fire coconuts at targets. First tribe to knock down all their targets wins Immunity and Reward to the Sliding Rocks. Impala will sit out that toothpick Edna. Survivors ready, go!



Both tribes quickly get to work on assembling their wheelbarrows and both finish at exactly the same time. Brandon and Rancher Rick take off for Impala while Dawn steers Ozzy over to the carpool line at the local school. Impala reaches their coconuts and after Dawn drops the kids off at band practice, Savannah too gets their coconuts. Impala quickly makes their way to the second coconut drop while Dawn is busy fighting with the girl at the register over whether or not she doubled her coupons.


The Impalas successfully dump their nuts in the trough and now it's time for Coach, Mikayla, and Albie to get to work on making that slingshot. The mechanism is pieced together in seconds and Albie immediately begins shooting the targets. Meanwhile, Cochran has his fingers and sweater vest all tangled up in the coconut knots. Ozzy elbows him away and unties the knot himself. It should have been smooth sailing from there, but Special K was on sale and Dawn kept throwing more and more boxes into the wheelbarrow. It was when she threw those 3 for $4 Vitamin Waters in that Ozzy had to take her club card away and put her on a grocery hiatus. The Savannah's somehow manage to make it to their trough, but Cochran's limbs and freckles and things kept getting into the way of the wheelbarrow and those coconuts were like a taxiing airplane. Nothing was coming or going. Everything was just at a standstill. Again, Ozzy had to swoop in and man this plane himself. Finally, they get their nuts in the basket and begin assembling their slingshot.


Both teams are now firing off coconuts and things should be going swimmingly only Mikayla refuses to shoot with two hands and she ends up shooting coconuts all the way to Fiji. Coach tells her to back off. Even Dimples tells her the one hand thing isn't working. Mikayla is in a bra and panty world of her own because she doesn't give a shit what the rest of her tribe is advising her to do. The Impalas quickly lose their lead and, to make matters worse, it turns out that in addition to being a professional poker player and a drug dealer, Mary Jane also excels at slingshotting. If slingshot was an olympic sport, this dude would have the gold medal. There was no beating Mary Jane - especially since that dummy Mikayla kept shooting with her pinky finger. In the end... SAVANNAH WINS IMMUNITY AND REWARD!!!

The Savannahs are immediately whisked away to a very familiar waterfall. Seriously, have I been here before? Have we been here before? I distinctly remember another collection of dirty people hanging out at this same locale. As my memory is about as accurate as someone with advanced Alzheimer's that's as good of an image as I'm able to come up with. Anyhow, the Savannah's are beside themselves. Despite the kerfluffle with Ozzy and his tantrum, it's all love and hugs and kisses. No Ozzy, Dawn will not rub you!

Ozzy makes a cliff dive into a shallow pool of water while Dawn stands on the sidelines and shouts, "You better get your helmet on, young man!" She flitted back and forth spreading sunscreen on everyone and making sure there were enough bologna sandwiches in the basket. "Did you wait 30 minutes before you went swimming Mary Jane?!" Mary Jane rolled his eyes then did a cannonball that soaked the soccer mom. Meanwhile, Cochran paced and went over the pros and cons of playing in the waterfall. He's neither emotionally nor physically capable of swimming with others in the water. Emotionally, he needs his valium. Physically, what if his sweater vest gets caught on a rock? It's just safer of Cochran enjoys the merriment from a safe distance.

Back at Impala the mood is somber and the big question is, who goes home: Mikayla or Edna? As far as Coach is concerned, it's Mikayla. She refused to follow orders and refused to be coached during the challenge. That sort of defiance and attitude is best left off the field and in a penalty box somewhere. On the other hand, Edna will do anything Coach asks - whether that's walking on his back or helping him with his luggage. Personally, I'm leaning towards Coach on this one. I can't get that taste out of my mouth from when Mikayla refused to stand up to Brandon and then later burbled her way through a Tribal Council. I have no use for that! Besides, there's no drama with her. Brandon will quickly find another sin to wrestle with and I can have a field day with that when it happens. For now, Mikayla is just an extra body.

Big strong buff Albie does not agree with my logic as Albie is all about strength and power over loyalty and trust. Albie tells Mikayla that they definitely need to get rid of Edna and if anyone can convince Coach of that, he can. Meanwhile, Mikayla wanders off to sit on a rock and say that Edna is twice her age. What planet is Mikayla from? The one where women wear panties and play football? Edna is only in her 30's! Mikayla makes her sound like she's 75. Whatever. Mikayla piecing together a sentence is like a normal person gnawing on a side of beef. There's a whole lot of masticating going on.



So Albie whisks Rancher Rick and Sophie into the woods and tells them that the scrawny feather sprite Edna will do them no good in challenges down the road. How do you know Albie? Maybe there's a a competition where you have to slither through a narrow opening or live off of a kernel of corn for 2 weeks. You never know what Survivor will throw your way. Sure, Edna is annoying, but I want her around for Coach and at least she has a personality. Every time I look at Mikayla I see corkboard or maybe a cardboard box. There's nothing there for me to mold, nothing for me to play with. With teeny tiny subatomic Edna I get to imagine worlds where watermelons are mountains and bowls of soup are gigantic rivers of boiling yumminess. Can't you just see Edna floating on a tiny carrot in a bowl of chicken soup? I can. She's Honey I Shrunk The Kids come to life! We love Edna!

Albie seems to have succeeded with Sophie and Rancher Rick - despite my cries of "She can use a buf-puf for a bed!" - and now he's moved onto young Brandon. To my surprise, Brandon actually dislikes Edna a great deal. The look on her face is what bugs him the most. How rude! Dude, she's Asian. Get over it. But despite her looks and her arms the size of rice, Brandon made a pledge with God to keep Edna and he intends on honoring that pledge. Brandon you sick son of a bitch. Thank goodness I'm actually agreeing with your convoluted logic this time around. Is there anything I can get you Brandon? I can see by your calf tattoo that you're a fan of SALSA. Would you like some fresh salsa? Let me get you some.

Albie then turns his sights on Coach. This is his one last hurdle to jump over. If he succeeds, Mikayla will stay. Before Albie can even say a word, Coach shush's him and takes all the blame for losing the last challenge. Albie raises an eyebrow and wonders what the hell Coach is talking about. To hear Coach tell it, it's his fault because he couldn't COACH Mikayla. She's UnCOACHable. No matter what he said to her during the challenge, she kept ignoring him. No offense, but a Coach can't have someone unCOACHable on his team. That would be crazy talk. Edna, on the other hand, will shine his shoes or wipe Ozzy's ass if he asks her to. She's COACHable She deserves to stay. *throws hands in air* Makes sense to me!



Now that Coach knows what Albie has been up to, he's forced to go talk to Rancher Rick and make his "Keep pixie Edna" plea. Rancher Rick adjusts his cowboy hat, sticks his hands in his pockets, and chews on a piece of straw while he mulls over the choices before him. And wouldn't you know it? Tonight's entire vote rests in the hands of this mute cowboy. Oy vey. Can't we send him home instead? I only have so many cowboy stereotypes in my repertoire.

This brings us to Tribal Council. Coach immediately says his little tribe is no longer playing as a team. There is a wayward duckling marching to her own drummer. Mikayla rolls her eyes and squenches up her face and I wondered to myself if she thinks that's attractive. All she's ever good for at Tribal is making creepy faces and farting out something that makes no sense. Conversely, "Yay team, go team" player Edna is fine sitting out when asked to sit out. It's for the betterment of the team. Whatever is good for the team, is good for Edna. Now can you please pass her a band-aid? She forgot her winter coat and a band-aid is plenty big to keep her warm on chilly nights as this.

Dimples asks if it's better to go to the merge with strong people who aren't necessarily loyal or loyal people who aren't necessarily strong? Brandon answers, "Ya gotta git thar first. Then ya wanna git thar with law-yull-tee." Ok. Thank you Brandon. *rolls eyes* Albie jumps in and says getting to the Merge with numbers is all that matters. Coming from someone on the inside, I can see his point, but I also know that Cochran and Jim are loose cannons. So, outside looking in, I can't wait for this Merge! I think it's going to be a hodgepodge of crazy and something tells me that Cochran will be dead center of all that crazy.

Coach turns to Dimples and says, "You know what I'm all about. I'm about loyalty, honor, and integrity." Albie interrupts and says that loyalty can be faked while strength can't. Hold up there Albster. I've been in many a gym where I've faked strength to impress a passerby. I'll be huffin' and puffin' and twirling dumbells over my head and then after they pass by I collapse into a small puddle of drool and sweat. Strength can too be faked. So there! Stick that in your pecs and smoke it.

Listening to Albert speak in that monotone way of his begins to make Lil Hantz insane in the membrane and he just can't take it anymore. All this talk about law-yull=tee, law-yull-tee, law-yull-tee is eating him alive! The law-yull-tee was thick last week with Edna and what young Brandon doesn't understand is how in the matter of a couple of days, half the tribe has flipped and turned on Edna. That's not law-yull-tee! That's not god-ability. That's a house divided. That's lasciviousness is what it is! *stands and claps* Nicely done LOCO. Could it be you're actually making some sense or am I going insane? Insane.


In the end, the votes did come down to Rancher Rick and the next person voted out of Survivor South Pacific is Mikayla. I'm good with that. I've only just begun to explore the microscopic wonder that is Edna so... later Mikayla. Good luck on Rhode Island. So what did you guys think? Were you rooting for Edna or Mikayla? Is Coach losing control of his alliance? Who from Savannah might swing over to Impala after the Merge? Or who from Impala might sway? Will you be getting a tattoo that says CHALUPA on your cheek later on today? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

26 comments:

  1. HeyRic aka Big RickOctober 20, 2011 at 5:23 PM

    Christine Allen Cole. Brillant!

    I believe Ozzy's gang will look back to last week and wonder why they didn't take him out instead of the masseuse. They had the blindside set up and working, and could've had OZ sitting forlornly next to Christine Amber Thieson on RI.

    Great recap, Ms Lala

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  2. Awesome recap as always.

    Coach and Albert were both right: it made sense from Coach's perspective to keep Edna, and made sense from Albert's to get rid of her.

    Between that and Mary Jane's smart anti-Ozzy scheming, it's good to see some shrewd strategizing going on - especially after last year's Rob and the 15 Dunces travesty.

    One thing: at Tribal, Brandon said the next challenge would be "deterimental" to the outcome of the game, when he obviously meant "instrumental." I predict he's only going to get creepier and dumber as he ages.

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  3. Colette, your recaps are hysterical.

    Mikayla sealed her fate by not doing what is best for the team and let Albert and Coach do the coconut shooting. She should have set her own pride aside and said you guys do it as my technique is not working.

    Brandon is entertaining in his craziness. Is it scary that I wonder what would happen in Russels mind if Brandon's lunacy pays off with a win?

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  4. I also think that not blindsiding Ozzie dead on and sending him to RI was smart. He would dominate RI if sent there...and would be back in the game. Best to send him packing when RI is NO LONGER in the picture so he cannot get back in with his physical prowess.

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  5. I think Upolu made the wrong choice. Coach himself didn't do much better than Mikayla did in that challenge, and yet he claimed it was all her fault that they lost. He made it sound like she was blatantly disobeying him in the challenge, but he never DIRECTLY told her to sit out the challenge. However, I don't think Mikayla had any chance of saving herself even if she did great in that challenge. Coach already revealed that she was next on the chopping block.

    Keeping Edna was dumb because they know she can't do anything for them in the challenges. They know she's the weakest and that's why they sit her out every chance they get. They don't even trust her enough to compete with them, and yet they vote out people that are significantly stronger than her (Stacy, Mikayla) over her.

    Overall, this was a horrible decision, in my opinion. I hope they remembered, before they voted, that after tribal council they could not sit Edna out in the next challange. I hope the next challenge is something extremely physical, so they can see Edna flounder and realize how dumb it was to keep her.

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  6. I was hoping they'd ditch Edna, but then I had a personal stake in that dumb skank Mikalya staying *sob*

    It was always only ever going to be between Mikalya and Edna. It didn't matter if Mikayla stopped the second Coach told her to step down, he would have then used her quitting as an excuse to get rid of her as well. While I understand her refusal to quit, she was stupid to keep using one arm with the slingshot even when everyone was screaming at her to do different. One fact everyone in the tribe seemed to miss was that Coach and Albert weren't doing much better than Mikalya in that challenge. All three of them sucked big, fat, hairy, salty, testicles and deserved to lose.

    LaLa, I have to disagree with you about Edna's personality. She doesn't have one. In fact her personality is so nonexistent that where it should be there is a void that sucks all the light and air from within a three metre radius, so that all we see where ever she walks is a big black hole. She brings nothing to the game other than a chance to take Coach further. Her game strategy pisses me off, I hate seeing women play the "oh kind Sir, please protect me from my weak womanly self with your big manly manlyness". People like her set the Women's Liberation movement back 100 years.

    I'll be cheering for Savai'i from now on. That tribe has all the more interesting players in it and that's where the pot of writing gold for your blog lies.

    Love your work!

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  7. No thankyou Miss Lala - you just go right on ahead and keep that salsa. I used to eat salsa, hell I used to slurp up that ole' salsa like a slurping WHORE, but that was back durin' my rapin' days. I live for God now.

    Yes ma'am, I learned that salsa is the literal definition of lasciviousness. A jailhouse doctor once told me that salsa is instrumental to my mental health.

    Salsa.

    Salsa, salsa, salsa...

    Look what you gon' done bitch. Now I'm horny.

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  8. Dear Lala, it concerns me that you took so long to post the blog, particularly after such a dull episode. Yesterday I spoke to all of your readers personally and I can assure you that everyone is in agreement; we would prefer a hasty blog to a quality blog. What does it matter if you post two or even three minutes after the broadcast? We're here for re-caps after all, not laughter.

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  9. Love the blog as usual, LaLa. Every week as I watch I try to figure out which one-liner will be the title of your blog.

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  10. I like Edna, but I was kind of hoping she'd go just for drama purposes. When the only drama is Brandon conflicted about what god thinks gets pretty old pretty fast. If Edna had gone, Coach would have known his whole tribe pretty much doesn't believe in him, which would cause a divide. Maybe it'll happen anyway, but seeing Benjamin freaking out is still pretty funny. I'm starting to like MJ more and more. He seems to be the only one really strategizing and not saying "Well, that person's skinny, lets vote them out." Or "We're in an alliance, which of course means it can never be broken EVER o.o!" How many times has Ozzy done this? Seven? Eight times? He really thinks he can sit in the shade, catch a fish once in awhile and it's off to a million dollars? It made me even more upset when the group said "It's not like we voted him out." Why the hell not?? Now they're all friends again? I hope MJ, Cochran and Dawn see through this. Speaking of Cochran, it was pretty funny hearing him call Ozzy a whiney bitch. Revenge of the Nerds baby! I really feel bad for Christine. It was hilarious when Sophie called her bitter. If she ever does come back maybe she'll become Christine Harvey Oswald. :P I'm not happy with them getting rid of all the boobs though. Who is there to look at now? :/

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  11. I have my fantasies too. One would be learning how to use this comment gizmo successfully every time. But that's not where I end.

    Does anyone find Dimples detrimental to the game? I was wishing the Lizmaries would make a cameo appearance and use their star throwing skills to embed those shuffleboard pucks into Dimples forehead. As they dragged his lifeless body into the bush, Collette appears with Don Rickles at her side to freshen up the narration. What a team that would be!

    Rickles heckles Mikayla for trying not to break a fingernail at the slingshot. Lala thinks she sees her shoot gin from one nipple. Rickles hobbles over for a taste test. He says it's coconut juice. Lala points out bulging veins on Coach that have a frustation heartbeat. Don says, yeah, and that tattoo can really dance.

    I better stop before I get carried away. Lala is the queen and only missed one chance to clip a photo from the Lingerie Football league. I forgive her.

    I thought it was a good episode full of personal dilemmas. Did Coach and Brandon get to read press releases from the Presidential campaigns? Later on I hear Michael Jackson singing black and white. Come on Coach, do some beat box, we know you can.

    The Dragonslayer is haunted by Russel? What a whimp.

    I'm fine with the outcomes. Mikayla gave many young women the hope that anyone can be a model. Maybe that is what Edna was referring to as enhancing Mickey's career. Motivational speaker.

    Out of order. Ozzy thinking he's invincible is foolish. His odds on Redemption Island might be slightly better than others but odd things can happen that he can't control. He already proved he's not too slick and guess who went home with an idol in his pocket on a former show.

    What else did I like? It's not the first time I watched people sticking bare hands into places where critters with teeth, and the snakes that prey on them might be. I wouldn't do that here in VA where I at least know the common dangers.

    Nobody is correct in the Merger theory. Eventually they are all alone and some luck in individual immunity challenge, or an idol, is the only thing that keeps them in the game. I'll have to wait to see what the typical gender split looks like as the game progresses.

    I vote for Lala to replace Dimples for live humiliation instead of duh narration.

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  12. NO NO NO!!! We are here, aahh actually I am here for laughter and extremely good jokes and fine comparisons. I can watch, hear and understand an episode of a reality show that doesn't cast scientists, just fine.
    So, La La keep bringing the funny and the bitchiness even if it takes you a couple of days to put it on internet paper.
    The lunatic Brandon's God knows writing awesome is not easy...

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  13. Cochran being at the center of a merge-icane? Oh, yes please!

    La, I bow to your fortitude in digging up every triple-named famous/infamous person to use for Christine's name.

    Great blog(s)

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  14. LOVED your recap of the Immunity Challenge. Perfect! I agree with the previous comment that strategy-wise, it was in Coach's best interest to keep Edna and Albert's best interest to vote Edna out. Diminutive Edna fits in Coach's pocket so well! But Albert was too cautious. He tried to get rid of Edna without alienating Coach. At this point I think that will haunt him. He should have worked harder to explain to the others that Coach wants Edna for Coach and not for the tribe. Imagine what might have happened if Albert had told Lil Hantz that Coach already has the idol?! Loyalty gone bad.

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  15. Lala brilliant writing as usual. I wondered if anyone else is confused by Edna's hat.

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  16. Great post as usual.
    Although it made me laugh quite a bit, I disagree with some of it. I DO agree with Diabolical. Thank you Diabolical for pointing out that Coach didn't do so well with the shooting targets either. Did he hit one? I also agree with you about Edna's personality Diabolical. It's dreadful. She's as exciting as a doorknob. She's so boring. Everything about her is boring and useless. I was hoping she would go because I can't stand looking or listening to her. Mikayla is stronger physically, but she did really have to learn to speak up for herself better.

    Lala, all your references about Dawn had me laughing. Gold star, coupons, carpool, bologna sandwiches at the reward. I love it all.

    Excellent recap! I am unsure right now who I am rooting for, nobody is that great to me at this point. kind of sad, but true

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  17. I personally think that Mikhayla was pretty boring. I don't find her even remotedly attractive either.

    Edna is nice, but no big personality or charm there either.

    So from the viewer's standpoint - which one of them is gone, which one stays - it's basically six of one half a dozen of the other.

    The only person who benefits from voting off Mikhayla vs Edna is Coach.

    From any other tribe member's standpoint - it would make more sense to keep a much stronger Mikhayla before the merge.

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  18. Does anyone thing that Christine Quincy Adams can make a Matt-esque run on Redemption?

    Never thought anyone could appear less stable than Secret Agent Man Phillip Sheppard but Brandon is making a run at the title. Brandon wasn't motivated by loyalty, he used the situation to help rid himself from the object of his lust... er, concern.

    Still don't know why 'loyalty' and 'trust' are in anyone's vocabulary in this game. Those words are like unicorns; you want to believe in them, but they're just not real... love the recap Lala.

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  19. Well, if Mikayla can make it to the merge, then Albie and Sofa get the greater payoff. Mik knows that coach and Lil-H voted her off and that Albie and Sofia were on her side. I *love* the mayhem that could pursue at the merge--Albert, Sofie, Cochran, Mary Jane, and Mikayla for the fifth. Actually Mikayla is a real snoozefest—unbelievably so. If it weren’t for Lil-H, we wouldn’t even know she existed. Still, her mere existence could make an interesting merge.

    And what was up with that preview of Ozzie (apparently) considering going to Redemption Island as a strategy. Oh geeeez. That's way dumber than getting voted off with an idol in your pocket. (**And oh, by the way, would Mowgli be allowed to keep his idol on Rhode Island after not playing it at tribal? ....If not, would he be ridiculous enough to give it to another player for 'safe keeping'??) ....Now I actually *could* see someone going to Rhode Island as a legitmate strategy--but it just doesn't seem like coherent strategy if it's Oz that makes this crazy move, especially at this point.

    My Gin Fizz rantings tonight:
    > 'Stop pretending shitpies are gumdrops'. I'm gonna use that one on my kids--they're gonna love it!
    > Laciviousness: My chosen headline too!
    > LOVE that Christine Van Winkle flipped off the Impalas.
    > Doesn’t Christine sort of take the ‘wow’ out of multiple-ala-PrettyPony wins? I mean, it’s not like she’s really had to bring her A-game for most of these wins. (Always a crappy game and mostly crappy competitors that were voted out early.) …But yes, I guess the Pony was glorious anyway.
    > Coach’s description of Edna’s post-merge loyalty was way over the top—but sorta made me excited to see such evil creep out of him.
    > LOVE the carpool/coupons bit!
    > @Ox12:49 – Unicorns aren’t real?? Shut the fuck up, asshole!
    > Albert looks surprisingly pert in his blue bikini top, yes?
    > My money is on Cochran for some Surivor-gold next week. (Is he still not yet renamed?)

    Yeah, whatever, bitches!
    Buhbye, harlots!

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  20. I love your blog,Lala!

    Edna seems to be perpetuating Asian stereotypes...Can I walk on your back? Want me to dry clean your shirt? Paint your nails?...Maybe next week will be an SAT-type challenge and Edna can outscore everyone. Sigh!

    I'm starting to really like Keith. He seems to be a silent schemer who gets how to act with Ozzy and Mary Jane. He appears to have Whitney following him.

    OZ: I hope CQA comes back into the game. She is sort of the anti-Matt. He forgives. She flips people off. Love her!

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  21. I think Rancher Rick missed a chance to twist his pickle. Why not use his chance to bump up the paranoia? He could have forced a tie with a vote for Coach or Brandon. Even better if he wrote down Benjamin or Hanz.

    Nothing is certain until the ink meets the parchment. Then he could vote his true feelings in the re-vote while leaving a shadow of doubt.

    We haven't seen a tiebreaker lately but I think it's two tries and then some competition.

    Bowls of glitter and boobs would have been great...for laughs.

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  22. I love sucky sucky! I hope sucky sucky stays in the game long time!

    Edna is M-I-L-K-I-N-G Coach's delusions of loyalty for all they're worth. I share lala's fascination with Edna and I'm happy her 'loyalty' and bootlicking were bought over the zero-strategy Mikayla but I don't think she is 100% allied with Coach. Girl is playing her own game! Only time will tell if she coattails a power player to the finals (ala natalie white) or if she steps it up and parvatises her game for herself. My money is on a more disappointing Candice alliance-hopping post-merge backstory though. Edna has got some secrets up her sleeve for now though.

    HKS

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  23. Greatly looking forward to your take on last night, Lala. But take all the time you want--it's always worth any amount of wait. (If you haven't watched it yet--don't read my comments. Delete quick so that you won't be spoiled!!)

    I'm taking a quick vacay, but I can't stop thinking about this episode. So here is what I've been mulling over:

    So, according to Dimples' tweets during last night's epi, the rules do *not* state that a person sent to redemption loses the idol if it's in their possession. ....Ozzie COULD have kept the idol. He was *not* required to give it away.

    Did he give it away because he assumed Dimples would take his idol away? Or did he give it away knowing that he didn't have to? ...And why, of all people, did he choose to give it to Cochran? Was it intentional strategy (to keep Cochran from flipping at the merge) or was it just a Homer 'Doh!' move?

    Because it's Oz, I have to believe it wasn't strategy so much as ego. But honestly, Cochran is Savaii's greatest risk to 'flip' at the merge. Oz's plan (I still doubt that it was all actually a 'plan') may be the only way to sway Cochran to stay with his original tribe.

    And lastly, regarding Christine Lee Jones: even though she seems like a very obvious merge-flip to Savaii, I don't think it's smart to count on her for a vote in this case. If the vote is 6-6, I do believe it will be a 'rock' vote, where everybody is at risk. And there is always at least one (usually several) who are not willing to draw rocks--and so someone WILL vote against someone that they'd really rather not vote against.

    And a Christine vote is just not as good as a 6-pack of original Savaii members because the Christine-vote method does not include using Cochran as the Trojan Horse. Ozzie going to Redemption isn't so smart--but the Trojan Horse part sparkles with clouds of glitter. It's brilliant. Instead of Cochran possibly wandering to the Upulo ranks, the geek will play the Trojan Horse to the hilt because it's such an awesome Survivor game move. And Christine would've given them (at best) a 6-6 vote. ...Whereas the Trojan Horse gives Savaii a great chance at faking out the other side and saving themselves by using the idol on Upolo's target.

    Geez. Ozzie could *not* have thought through all these details, right? I want to know more about how this all unfolded!

    ...And there's a part of me that even hopes Cochran becomes a double-agent!! Glad to see a newbie make his mark. Can't wait to see if the merge really happens next week. I'll check back and really look forward to seeing your better-than-life version of last night's events!

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  24. The Umpa-Lumpas don't realize Christine Kardashian Humphries is the best player on their team.

    By offering to go to Quahog (Rhode Island), Ozzy is going to a whole lotta trouble for nothing. Was it just me or did the sadistic side of Probst really come out when he was all like, "Ozzy, if your brilliant scheme doesn't pan out, you're gonna look like an even bigger douche than last time." LMAO

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  25. Sorry, not the Umpa-Lumpas, the Barbers of Seville. My bad.

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  26. I like reading your blog, but I would LOVE to LISTEN to it.
    Please consider putting it in audio format.

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