Thursday, October 20, 2011
There comes a time in everyone's life when sides must be chosen and lines must be drawn in the sand. The languid life of teeter-toterring hither and thither has to come to an end and either you fight for Sparta or you fight for Troy. Or, maybe, you throw a baby bottle hurling tantrum and you end up siding with Gymboree instead. *shrugs shoulders* Who knows? All I know is that at some point lasciviousness will rear her wanton head and crush the world of "almosts" and "littles" right before our very eyes. No more little lies (try telling that to Fleetwood Mac), no more almost highs (try telling that to Mary Jane), and no more half caf half way loyal dawdling. A lie is a lie, a bong is a bong, and either you take your coffee full caf or decaf. It's all or nothing, baby. We've got ourselves a war to fight and you sissy middle-of-the-roaders better get out of the way or start digging your own graves. This is a battle to the death. I'm not exactly sure what it is we're fighting for, but to hear Young Brandon tell it, it sounds ominous and Old Testament-y. It could be for the sanctity of our souls or simply for the right to get "JUEVOS RANCHEROS" tattooed wherever we want. Either one sounds like a good cause to me. Viva Zapata! Let's recap, shall we?
After a brutal Tribal Council where his undercover massage queen was all of a sudden voted out, Curly Sea God Ozzy is angry, my friends. His lips are thin, his hair is kinky, his manhood whimpers, and, I don't know how, but he's found a binky to carry around with him. Ozzy isn't spitting mad. He's not trashing the joint or anything. Instead he's doing his, "Well, I guess I know who my real friends are" side eyeroll thing that people do when they're angry yet also want everyone to see them as a victim. With one foot in the sand spelling, "I MISS MY HANDJOBS", Ozzy announces that he is now a free agent. Henceforth, he'll be playing only for himself and all you lovekillers can go ahead and play for yourselves. The scene is very dark and the faces observing are clouded in mystery and fear. One little country girl speaks up and says, "I dawn't undastaind why u tekkin this so person'ly." Whitney assures Ozzy that none of this was an attack on him which is kind of funny because getting rid of Chickenhawk (Elyse) was exactly an attack on Ozzy.
Ozzy clutches his blankie and tells them that withholding info from him is clearly a sign of attack. Out of nowhere Dawn chirps, "Oh give me a break Ozzy! You withhold shit from us all the time." I may have paraphrased that a little bit, but that's not important. What's important is that Dawn sees through the shiny pretty hunter/gatherer Ozzy Of The People image he's so desperately trying to portray. Ozzy is playing with his own agenda just like everyone else is. So while Energizer Bunny (Keith) is hiding in a corner hoping the badness goes away and that Ozzy doesn't hold a grudge against him, kick ass Dawn confronts the situation head on and stops pretending that shitpies are gumdrops. What do you supposed Ozzy's response to Dawn was? "Well, I got the Idol. How 'bout that?!", he spits. The rest of his tribe sits open-mouthed. Cochran checks his ears to see if he heard him right while Keith buries his head in the sand and waits for the next morning.
The next day at Savannah (Savai'i) we find the sun shining and a gentle breeze blowing, but there's an ugliness now. A waft of stinky betrayal hangs thick over the camp. While Ozzy is off pouting underwater trying to find a mermaid to love, the rest of the tribe is ashore shaking their heads over what a baby Ozzy is. Dawn wants to put Ozzy in a time out and demand an apology. Whitney & Keith appear more worried about themselves than anything else while Mary Jane (Jim) sits with his dead-eyed toothy grin and begins to count his million. Mary Jane is thrilled that the plan he didn't really architect has spiraled out of control and has sent Ozzy to the funny farm. Cochran too is excited. Well, as excited as a bespectacled guy in a sweater vest can get. Excitement to Cochran is defined as "not anxious". Sometimes, for brief fleeting moments, Cochran feels the veil of anxiety lift and he gets to take a good look around at what the world looks like to someone who's not chronically neurotic. The glimpses are quick. Like a blink of an eye. They don't stick around long and they don't make empty promises they can't keep, but they remind Cochran that there is always something to work towards. And isn't that what life is about? Bettering yourself, working towards a goal, stickin' it to the jocks who never invited you once to their frat party. I think that and collecting a bunch of figurines mint-in-box is what propels Cochran towards a future he can be proud of. His past may have been less than perfect, but sitting on this beach right now watching Ozzy fingerpaint boobies and legs. This is perfection.
Back at Impala (Upolu) Lil Hantz has taken it upon himself to go searching for the Hidden Immunity Idol Clue. With that pesky Merge around the corner, he'd rather be safe than sorry. Besides, he's a Hantz! He can do this. He can sniff an idol out of the ass of a 19 year old's firm young backside if need be. *sniff sniff* Well, looky here. That's a clue! Young Brandon finds it fairly quickly and then scampers off to show it to Albie (I'm ditching Welch's - It's too confusing with the apostrophe) and Coach. "Being a Hantz pays off," he says as he removes the clue from the buff around his neck. It got stuck at one point and his MADRE tattoo actually looked like it said DRE for a split second. For that one brief hiccup in time, Brandon actually looked tough. Of course the PINATA tattoo underneath it takes away any and all credibility.
So Brandon has the clue. Coach and Albie give him high fives and in a condescending tone say, "Look at you!" "Look at you" is the go to phrase when little kids say "Watch me do this!" and then they kick spastically in the air and expect you to applaud. That's all Brandon is - a child who kicks like a spaz. With karate chops and jaunty jumps, Brandon searches high and low for the Idol while Coach cheers him on from the shore. The more he watches Brandon move and walk like a bulldog, the more those visions of Survivor yesteryear flash before his eyes. All Coach can see is Russell - evil, devilish Russell - and it scares him to death. Loyalty and integrity may be strong tenets of the dragon slayer code of ethics, but are they so sacrosanct as to blithely apply and protect any random TACO-tattooer? Coach isn't so sure, but he'll sleep with one eye open from here on out. You can count on that.
This brings us to Rhode Island (Redemption Island). Ozzy & Keith are there representing Savannah while Rancher (man of few words) Rick & Sophie are there representing Impala. The gladiators are marched in and immediately Ozzy begins making obscene finger gestures to Chickenhawk (Elyse). Maybe he can get a quick handy by osmosis? Dimples ignores Ozzy's lewd tongue movements and turns his attention to Christine Wayne Gacy. Her stringy hair is pulled back, that muumuu she's been wearing looks like it doubles as both a bed and toilet paper, and , most importantly, the spirit has gone out of her eyes. She's a matted rub of what she used to be. Just sort of a blurb of a person we once knew perhaps. Dimples asks her about her life on Rhode Island and she collapses into an uncharacteristic pile of tears. It just goes to show you - no matter how tough you might think you are, that tiny Rhode Island where all the people talk funny can kick your ass. I think the Pretty Pony lasted a good long while before he sniffled puffy beauteous tears that tasted like strawberries. This Christine Allen Coe isn't nearly as magical as my Pretty Pony was. I seriously doubt she can fly over rainbows like he could.
Alright so for this week's duel we're going to pretend we're in an old folk's home and you two harpies are going to play Shuffleboard. Really Survivor? Shuffleboard? That's the best you can come up with? It's very rare that I bitch about Survivor challenges - mostly because they're elaborate and difficult - but these Rhode Island challenges SUCK. It's like game night at the neighbor's house. Bean bag tossing, pssh! Pole balancing, tosh! Give me a challenge where there's some anxiety, some tension, some PAIN. This week is like air hockey at the arcade. Ugh. Whatever.
So yeah the goal is to knock off the other person's pucks before they can knock off yours. Whish, whish, kerplunk! CHRISTINE BIGGS DAWSON stays alive!!! Ozzy whimpers to himself as ChickenHawk waves sadly and walks away. Her stay in the game was brief and her contributions were nil, but, oh, what she could do with her mouth! Conversely, Christine Hyde Pierce gathers up her belongings and very maturely flicks off her tribe as she begins the trek back to her sad little shelter where she'll have sand fleas and rotten sea cucumbers for dinner. Yum!
On the way back to Impala, Rancher Rick has a hesitance to his mosey. He didn't care for the fact that Christine Shay Smith was so angry and unreasonable at the duel. A cowgirl would never treat a cowboy in such a rude manner. A cowgirl would nod and curtsy. That's the only polite thing to do. Her willingness to flout the laws of cowboy decency leads him to only one rational conclusion: if she ever makes it back into the game, she'll kill him and everyone else in their tribe. Sophie nods in agreement and they both know that if Christine Harvey Oswald reenters the game she's go on a firing spree after everyone left at Impala. Seriously, any security people associated with the production of Survivor need to make sure that their weapons haven't been stolen or tampered with. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if Christine Paige Kent has a glock in her hoo-ha and she's just waiting for the appropriate time to use it.
While there's not much anyone can do right now to thwart off an imminent attack from Christine Bean Cobain, there is something Edna can do to make herself a little more useful and necessary. Since she's not the strongest of women and is but a mere wisp of a girl, she'll contribute to camp life much in the way Cochran likes to contribute to camp life. She'll carry twigs and thimbles full of water while pretending to be in a great hurry to tackle her list of chores. Coach appreciates her willingness to dive right in and help and can often be heard shouting, "Edna, I love you!" through the trees. It's a sweet friendship they have and I do think it's sincere. Remember Edna was the only one human enough to offer to help Coach back on day one. The rest of those selfish bastards left him in the dust. If there's one person on this tribe that Coach can 100% count on for support and loyalty, it's Edna. It's just so unfortunate that she gets lost in a bag of marshmallows and weighs no more than a paperclip!
Over at Savannah, Ozzy has done some soul searching and he's just now realizing that he made a huge mistake when he lost his marbles last night after tribal council. The day he spent all alone is weighing it's toll on him and now he wants to rekindle some of those friendships he destroyed. More importantly, he really wants someone to fan him with a giant palm leaf and feed him grapes like they used to. Energizer Bunny is cool with letting Ozzy back in. I mean, yeah, whatever. That's the Bunny's reaction to everything, "Yeah, whatever." I'll bet he learned that from Ozzy.
Ozzy makes the long embarrassing walk back to his tribe and peering through matted curls, he apologizes for his behavior and says all he wants is unity. Dawn runs over the refrigerator and sticks a gold star right next to Ozzy's name. Tonight he'll be able to play monopoly with the rest of the family instead of having to sit in the corner of the living room with a dunce hate on. Mary Jane, however, isn't so bedazzled by Ozzy's sincerity. He knows Ozzy came to the hard realization that when you alienate everyone you ever had on your side, you end up alone. Cold, miserable, and alone. Mary Jane can also look at the practical side of things. With Ozzy back in the fold, he can help them win challenges until the Merge. And then once at the Merge, Ozzy will have a huge target on his back. What more could Mary Jane ask for?! (weed)
And now we arrive at the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, teams will race to assemble a wheelbarrow. They will then push the wheelbarrow through a series of obstacles stopping along the way to collect two loads of coconuts. After dumping the coconuts into a trough, the remaining tribe members will then take apart the wheelbarrow and turn it into a sling shot. They'll use the slingshot to fire coconuts at targets. First tribe to knock down all their targets wins Immunity and Reward to the Sliding Rocks. Impala will sit out that toothpick Edna. Survivors ready, go!
Both tribes quickly get to work on assembling their wheelbarrows and both finish at exactly the same time. Brandon and Rancher Rick take off for Impala while Dawn steers Ozzy over to the carpool line at the local school. Impala reaches their coconuts and after Dawn drops the kids off at band practice, Savannah too gets their coconuts. Impala quickly makes their way to the second coconut drop while Dawn is busy fighting with the girl at the register over whether or not she doubled her coupons.
The Impalas successfully dump their nuts in the trough and now it's time for Coach, Mikayla, and Albie to get to work on making that slingshot. The mechanism is pieced together in seconds and Albie immediately begins shooting the targets. Meanwhile, Cochran has his fingers and sweater vest all tangled up in the coconut knots. Ozzy elbows him away and unties the knot himself. It should have been smooth sailing from there, but Special K was on sale and Dawn kept throwing more and more boxes into the wheelbarrow. It was when she threw those 3 for $4 Vitamin Waters in that Ozzy had to take her club card away and put her on a grocery hiatus. The Savannah's somehow manage to make it to their trough, but Cochran's limbs and freckles and things kept getting into the way of the wheelbarrow and those coconuts were like a taxiing airplane. Nothing was coming or going. Everything was just at a standstill. Again, Ozzy had to swoop in and man this plane himself. Finally, they get their nuts in the basket and begin assembling their slingshot.
Both teams are now firing off coconuts and things should be going swimmingly only Mikayla refuses to shoot with two hands and she ends up shooting coconuts all the way to Fiji. Coach tells her to back off. Even Dimples tells her the one hand thing isn't working. Mikayla is in a bra and panty world of her own because she doesn't give a shit what the rest of her tribe is advising her to do. The Impalas quickly lose their lead and, to make matters worse, it turns out that in addition to being a professional poker player and a drug dealer, Mary Jane also excels at slingshotting. If slingshot was an olympic sport, this dude would have the gold medal. There was no beating Mary Jane - especially since that dummy Mikayla kept shooting with her pinky finger. In the end... SAVANNAH WINS IMMUNITY AND REWARD!!!
The Savannahs are immediately whisked away to a very familiar waterfall. Seriously, have I been here before? Have we been here before? I distinctly remember another collection of dirty people hanging out at this same locale. As my memory is about as accurate as someone with advanced Alzheimer's that's as good of an image as I'm able to come up with. Anyhow, the Savannah's are beside themselves. Despite the kerfluffle with Ozzy and his tantrum, it's all love and hugs and kisses. No Ozzy, Dawn will not rub you!
Ozzy makes a cliff dive into a shallow pool of water while Dawn stands on the sidelines and shouts, "You better get your helmet on, young man!" She flitted back and forth spreading sunscreen on everyone and making sure there were enough bologna sandwiches in the basket. "Did you wait 30 minutes before you went swimming Mary Jane?!" Mary Jane rolled his eyes then did a cannonball that soaked the soccer mom. Meanwhile, Cochran paced and went over the pros and cons of playing in the waterfall. He's neither emotionally nor physically capable of swimming with others in the water. Emotionally, he needs his valium. Physically, what if his sweater vest gets caught on a rock? It's just safer of Cochran enjoys the merriment from a safe distance.
Back at Impala the mood is somber and the big question is, who goes home: Mikayla or Edna? As far as Coach is concerned, it's Mikayla. She refused to follow orders and refused to be coached during the challenge. That sort of defiance and attitude is best left off the field and in a penalty box somewhere. On the other hand, Edna will do anything Coach asks - whether that's walking on his back or helping him with his luggage. Personally, I'm leaning towards Coach on this one. I can't get that taste out of my mouth from when Mikayla refused to stand up to Brandon and then later burbled her way through a Tribal Council. I have no use for that! Besides, there's no drama with her. Brandon will quickly find another sin to wrestle with and I can have a field day with that when it happens. For now, Mikayla is just an extra body.
Big strong buff Albie does not agree with my logic as Albie is all about strength and power over loyalty and trust. Albie tells Mikayla that they definitely need to get rid of Edna and if anyone can convince Coach of that, he can. Meanwhile, Mikayla wanders off to sit on a rock and say that Edna is twice her age. What planet is Mikayla from? The one where women wear panties and play football? Edna is only in her 30's! Mikayla makes her sound like she's 75. Whatever. Mikayla piecing together a sentence is like a normal person gnawing on a side of beef. There's a whole lot of masticating going on.
So Albie whisks Rancher Rick and Sophie into the woods and tells them that the scrawny feather sprite Edna will do them no good in challenges down the road. How do you know Albie? Maybe there's a a competition where you have to slither through a narrow opening or live off of a kernel of corn for 2 weeks. You never know what Survivor will throw your way. Sure, Edna is annoying, but I want her around for Coach and at least she has a personality. Every time I look at Mikayla I see corkboard or maybe a cardboard box. There's nothing there for me to mold, nothing for me to play with. With teeny tiny subatomic Edna I get to imagine worlds where watermelons are mountains and bowls of soup are gigantic rivers of boiling yumminess. Can't you just see Edna floating on a tiny carrot in a bowl of chicken soup? I can. She's Honey I Shrunk The Kids come to life! We love Edna!
Albie seems to have succeeded with Sophie and Rancher Rick - despite my cries of "She can use a buf-puf for a bed!" - and now he's moved onto young Brandon. To my surprise, Brandon actually dislikes Edna a great deal. The look on her face is what bugs him the most. How rude! Dude, she's Asian. Get over it. But despite her looks and her arms the size of rice, Brandon made a pledge with God to keep Edna and he intends on honoring that pledge. Brandon you sick son of a bitch. Thank goodness I'm actually agreeing with your convoluted logic this time around. Is there anything I can get you Brandon? I can see by your calf tattoo that you're a fan of SALSA. Would you like some fresh salsa? Let me get you some.
Albie then turns his sights on Coach. This is his one last hurdle to jump over. If he succeeds, Mikayla will stay. Before Albie can even say a word, Coach shush's him and takes all the blame for losing the last challenge. Albie raises an eyebrow and wonders what the hell Coach is talking about. To hear Coach tell it, it's his fault because he couldn't COACH Mikayla. She's UnCOACHable. No matter what he said to her during the challenge, she kept ignoring him. No offense, but a Coach can't have someone unCOACHable on his team. That would be crazy talk. Edna, on the other hand, will shine his shoes or wipe Ozzy's ass if he asks her to. She's COACHable She deserves to stay. *throws hands in air* Makes sense to me!
Now that Coach knows what Albie has been up to, he's forced to go talk to Rancher Rick and make his "Keep pixie Edna" plea. Rancher Rick adjusts his cowboy hat, sticks his hands in his pockets, and chews on a piece of straw while he mulls over the choices before him. And wouldn't you know it? Tonight's entire vote rests in the hands of this mute cowboy. Oy vey. Can't we send him home instead? I only have so many cowboy stereotypes in my repertoire.
This brings us to Tribal Council. Coach immediately says his little tribe is no longer playing as a team. There is a wayward duckling marching to her own drummer. Mikayla rolls her eyes and squenches up her face and I wondered to myself if she thinks that's attractive. All she's ever good for at Tribal is making creepy faces and farting out something that makes no sense. Conversely, "Yay team, go team" player Edna is fine sitting out when asked to sit out. It's for the betterment of the team. Whatever is good for the team, is good for Edna. Now can you please pass her a band-aid? She forgot her winter coat and a band-aid is plenty big to keep her warm on chilly nights as this.
Dimples asks if it's better to go to the merge with strong people who aren't necessarily loyal or loyal people who aren't necessarily strong? Brandon answers, "Ya gotta git thar first. Then ya wanna git thar with law-yull-tee." Ok. Thank you Brandon. *rolls eyes* Albie jumps in and says getting to the Merge with numbers is all that matters. Coming from someone on the inside, I can see his point, but I also know that Cochran and Jim are loose cannons. So, outside looking in, I can't wait for this Merge! I think it's going to be a hodgepodge of crazy and something tells me that Cochran will be dead center of all that crazy.
Coach turns to Dimples and says, "You know what I'm all about. I'm about loyalty, honor, and integrity." Albie interrupts and says that loyalty can be faked while strength can't. Hold up there Albster. I've been in many a gym where I've faked strength to impress a passerby. I'll be huffin' and puffin' and twirling dumbells over my head and then after they pass by I collapse into a small puddle of drool and sweat. Strength can too be faked. So there! Stick that in your pecs and smoke it.
Listening to Albert speak in that monotone way of his begins to make Lil Hantz insane in the membrane and he just can't take it anymore. All this talk about law-yull=tee, law-yull-tee, law-yull-tee is eating him alive! The law-yull-tee was thick last week with Edna and what young Brandon doesn't understand is how in the matter of a couple of days, half the tribe has flipped and turned on Edna. That's not law-yull-tee! That's not god-ability. That's a house divided. That's lasciviousness is what it is! *stands and claps* Nicely done LOCO. Could it be you're actually making some sense or am I going insane? Insane.
In the end, the votes did come down to Rancher Rick and the next person voted out of Survivor South Pacific is Mikayla. I'm good with that. I've only just begun to explore the microscopic wonder that is Edna so... later Mikayla. Good luck on Rhode Island. So what did you guys think? Were you rooting for Edna or Mikayla? Is Coach losing control of his alliance? Who from Savannah might swing over to Impala after the Merge? Or who from Impala might sway? Will you be getting a tattoo that says CHALUPA on your cheek later on today? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!