Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Pleasure Dome

Father God, oh Father God, I beseech you to guide and protect me through the act of writing this blog today. In Jesus' name I pray. Heavenly father, no offense or anything, but why are you such a camera whore? I mean, seriously. You created the heavens, you created the seas, you created the mountains, but that wasn't enough for you, was it? Now you have to poke your giant bearded head into all of my shows and wave your craggly finger around in all of our faces. Stop it, just stop it! You're probably like, "It's not my fault. Those Survivors keep paging me!" to which I say, "I guess you have a point", but still... Surely you're busy sometimes, right? I mean, you can't possibly be everywhere at once all the time or... can you? Ughhhh! Alright fine, whatever, you win. God - 1, Lala - 0 Let's recap, shall we?

Under the cover of night we begin the slow winding down of our South Pacific tale. The alliance of five created way back when on day one is now the last alliance standing. All five have survived and they're very pleased that they've accomplished exactly what it is they set out to do. With smiles on their faces and whoops filling the night sky, the final five link arms and dance under the stars. Pan pipes, tambourines, bongos... the whole shebang! Merriment personified. That is, until Lil Hantz remembers who is really responsible for all of this. With a megaphone in one hand and a crucifix in another, the short stocky balding man climbs up on a log, waves his arms frantically, and shouts, "Let's pray! Let's pray!" Ugh. Sophie rolls her eyes in the darkness and our remaining Survivors solemnly thank season 23's real star for getting them this far in the game. All seems peaceful on the outside. All appears soft and fluffy. But really there's a Judas under the surface. It's Albert. Blank faced, monotone voiced Albert who thinks he has this entire game wrapped up. His big plan this week is to get rid of Sophie. Well, if it's like any of Albert's other plans, Sophie will be just fine.

After a fitful night's sleep, a new day dawns and Albert is ready to put his "Get Sophie Out" plan into motion. The thing with Sophie is that she's dangerous. She wins Immunity Challenges, she's smart, and she's well spoken while Albert is kind of a bumbling figure in the background. While he's spending all of his time down in his lab surrounded by beakers and bubbling pots of colorful liquids trying to come up with various formulas to win, Sophie is actually mingling and becoming friends with the remaining Tunas. So, with a new formula in his pocket, shifty-eyed Albert approaches Rancher Rick and says, "Um so yeah I see the two of us going to the end together." Rancher Rick silently nods while Albert thinks to himself, "I've got this thing locked up!" You see, Albert thinks that Rancher Rick is the least dangerous in this game. He's not strategic, he's not winning, and he does little more than feed the cows day in and day out. In Albert's perfect world, he'd like to go the end with Rancher Rick and Coach. This self-proclaimed "rogue" (ok Sarah Palin) is under the impression that ass kissing for jury votes is actually aggressive game play. Maybe it is. *shrugs shoulders* Who am I to say? Maybe transparent weasel wear does indeed fool people. I have no idea. Maybe the emperor really was wearing new clothes.

And this brings us to the big duel between that decimal point, Edna, and god of the sea, Ozzy. For today's duel, Survivors will race to complete a slide puzzle. Once the puzzle is completed, it will release a hatchet. Survivors will then use the hatchet to chop a rope and release a bag of colored cubes. Once the duelers have their cubes, they must stack them so there are no repeating colors on any side. Survivors ready, go.

The duel begins with tiny-armed Edna struggling to push the puzzle pieces into place. With biceps the size of marbles, she moves at a snail's pace while Ozzy has already completed his puzzle and chopped down his rope. Edna giggles to herself as Ozzy tears into his bag of cubes and I can't for the life of me figure out what's so freaking funny. Even Dimples yells at her to focus.

And then, on cue, on time, like clockwork, Albert starts hollering tips to Edna from the stands. It took me a second, but then it finally hit me. He's helping for votes! In the past I always assumed that he really didn't want Ozzy to win, but now it's as clear as gin. Albert helping the losers on Rhode Island (Redemption Island) is his way of making a last minute favorable impression on them. I don't know if the other Tunas realize what he's doing, but they too begin shouting instructions to Edna and she's finally able to finish the puzzle and move on to the cubes.

With a seemingly huge lead, Ozzy has almost all of his cubes stacked. Cool as a cucumber, without a care in the world, Ozzy twirls his mustache and contemplates where to put his next cube. Meanwhile frantic laser point Edna is flitting around like a drunk fairy. She heaves the cubes up onto the table and inevitably that interminable Albert leaps to her aid. "Green! Green! Move the green one!" Then Sophie starts shouting, "You have too many blues!" Rancher Rick hiccups, "Howdy pard'ner" as Brandon bellows, "Pray on it!" It's a cacophony of craziness which, most likely, only serves to make Edna even more scattered.

With an entire row of reds, Edna shouts, "Jeff! Jeff! Check me!" Dimples does a 'Pfft!" with a flick of his wrist as Ozzy finally begins to feel the heat. We see it in a flash, a mere glimpse, but it was there. That unmistakable moment of panic across Ozzy's face where it dawns on him that he's not the unbeatable king of the world. It was only there for a second and we'll probably never see it again (which is why I freeze framed on it and threw glitter around the room for a good half hour), but I'll always have the memory of its existence. After the panic leaves and Edna gets rejected, Ozzy blazes forward and boom, bam, done... OZZY STAYS ALIVE! Grrr.

(For the record, I knew 100% that Ozzy would win. Despite the trickery promos and my dreams of an upset, Ozzy updated his Facebook last week with one simple sentence that pretty much spoiled the entire duel for me. He said, "Good luck Edna." Now, knowing what I know of Ozzy (that he's an arrogant dick), that was about as spoilery as spoilers get. It was the equivalent of pointing a finger and laughing at Edna for even trying to beat him. I demand the Survivor Council of Spoilers fine him eleventeenth million dollars and make it a law that he can never appear on the show again.)

Back at Tuna Tartare (TeTuna) the mood is bleak. Everyone is bummed and downtrodden. With heads down they kick the sand and sit in silence. The silence is finally broken when Lil Hantz creeps up to Albert and checks in on the strength of their alliance. Albert assures Brandon that their alliance is solid and that they'll both be going to the end with Coach. Wait a tic, hold up. Didn't Albert tell Rancher Rick that he wants to go to the final three with him too? Hmmm *strokes chin* I sure hope no one finds out. *giggles to self* With carefree arms swung limply behind his head, Albert whispers to Brandon that they need to get rid of Sophie next. Brandon nods excitedly and assures Albert that they'll totally be going to the end together. They've got God on their side! With an alliance partner like God, nothing can go wrong. *thunderclaps in the distance*

Meanwhile Sophie is lying supine in the shelter worrying about Ozzy. He's over in his Rhode Island Pleasure Dome fattening up all the losers before they skip on out of the game. Sophie worries that he's not only spreading his seed far and wide, but that he's gathering a few Jury votes along the way as well. She tells Coach that they have to send Brandon to Rhode Island next. A) Brandon is a loose cannon weirdo and B) Brandon actually might be able to beat Ozzy and take him out of the game once and for all. Sophie pitches her plan to Rancher Rick who then tips his hat and mutters, "Sure lil lady."

After a four hour nap, Albert rises and begins to put one of his many plans into motion. He approaches Coach and pleads with him to see how much of a threat Sophie is. Coach, however, knows what the real deal is - Albert is uncomfortable knowing that Sophie is smarter than him. She's not the quiet little mouse Albert thought she was and now Albert must destroy her. Through meditation, prayer, and shooting arrows at the sun, Coach is thinking and seeing more clearly than he ever has in his life. He knows what the dilly-o is. He knows the secret agendas burbling beneath the surface. Whether it's his Kundalini or his Katra, Coach is embracing his inner voice, his inner self, his inner calm. That inner Coach-ness is telling Coach that if they keep going the way they're going, Brandon will win this game hands down. Albert stammers in protest while Coach coolly chuckles to himself and says, "You don't understand how the Jury works. It's a totally different animal."

Speaking of animals, here comes Brandon. "What are you guys talking about? You talking about me? What are you planning? Did you make a new alliance? Honor, integrity, God!" Coach peers through hooded eyes and tells him they were talking about the Jury. Brandon lifts an eyebrow and says, "I don't think so sonny jim." Oh no he di-in't! Coach leaps up out of the hammock and grabs Brandon by his tattoos, 'Don't you bully me! Stop acting like Russell! Don't you know it's rude to interrupt people when they're talking?!" Brandon's lower lip starts to quiver as he says, "That wasn't very nice what you said about Russell." Coach collapses back into the hammock in the lotus position and reluctantly apologizes. Brandon hangs his head in shame and quietly says, "Please give me a hug man." Clearly, Brandon doesn't realize how hard it is to untangle oneself from the lotus. Regardless, Coach sighs dramatically and rises to give Brandon a hug. Brandon nestles his face in Coach's chest and whispers, "Sorry."

Coach steals away by himself, or so he thinks, to tell the camera (and us) once again how the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. No matter what Brandon does or says, he'll always have that Hantz blood in his veins. Meeting the young lad's father last week has only made Coach all the more certain of what his next move has to be. Then, out of nowhere, Brandon leaps out of a bush, "Peek a boo! Want some coconut?" Coach mimes vomiting and says, "I can't eat anymore fucking coconut." Brandon drops the coconut into the dirt as he curls up to Coach and whispers, "Cheer up brother. God has it all under control." He's a lost little lamb now, this Brandon. A meek and weirdo shell of the misogynist he used to be. I miss the squirrelly lustful Brandon of yesteryear. At least that Brandon had thoughts of his own - dirty, filthy, whoring thoughts filled with nipple clamps and ball gags, but thoughts nonetheless! This smaller, thinner, chaste thing we have before us now would happily follow Jim Jones into the afterlife. Christ, he'd be the one filling the cups for everyone and shooting the syringes into the kids mouths.

And that brings us to the Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! This week Survivors must climb a massive wall and collect bags of puzzle pieces. With each bag they'll go further up the wall. Once all the bags are gathered, the pieces will be sorted into pairs. The pieces that don't fit into a pair will reveal a number code that they will then use to unlock a box and raise their flag. First person to raise their flag wins Immunity. In addition to Immunity, players are also competing for a Reward of pizza and garlic bread. Survivors ready, go!

Brandon and Rancher Rick fly out of the gate and nab their first bags before anyone else even makes it up the wall. Sophie and Coach get their bags next with Albert lagging somewhere in the distance. Brandon, with feet like a spider monkey (or Satan) continues to dominate the challenge grabbing back after bag after bag. Rancher Rick manages to stay hot on his heels and I think we're all pleasantly surprised by our resident cowboy. Sophie and Coach manage to stay neck in neck with each other while Albert awesomely somersaults down the wall into a pile of bones on the sand.

Hunched over and with his low center of gravity, Brandon climbs higher and higher up the wall to retrieve his final bag. Miraculously, Rancher Rick is still in this as he too begins to work on his puzzle. Coach follows them in third, but Lil Hantz is on a Hantzian roll. The pattern of the pieces looked like a fetching tartan plaid to me, but it somehow managed to make sense to young Brandon as he quickly matches up the pairs and heads back to the top of the wall. Coach heads up the wall as well, but it's too little too late as BRANDON WINS IMMUNITY!!! Could it be that God is on Brandon's side after all? Wouldn't that be a kick in the vag?

After the appropriate 15 minutes of thanking Jesus for his win, Brandon ends his assault on the heavens with some gangsta taps to his heart and then a fist to the sky. I mean, I'm sure God listens to hip hop, right? Anyhow, Brandon is now forced to pick someone to eat pizza with him. I thought, without question, that Brandon would pick Coach. After the whole hammock fight, I figured he had a lot more sucking up to do, but no! He picks Rancher Rick to join him. He swears it wasn't a strategic decision, but honey, that was all strategy. Rick isn't in Brandon's final three alliance. That was an Albert move if ever I saw one.

Back at camp Sophie is musing over how the worst case scenario happened today. In a quick tete a tete with Coach, they agree, just as he's slithering into their area, that sneaky Albert needs to go next. Sophie rises as Albert sits and under the guise of wanting to smell the pizza, she steals away to go tell Brandon and Rancher Rick that Albert will be going home next. Rick throws his hat in the ring and agrees wholeheartedly. He tells Brandon and Sophie how earlier Albert approached him to make sure they were going to the end together. Listening to this, Brandon's ears start to blow steam and his head starts to turn purple. He yanks bite after bite off of the pizza crust and wonders to himself if he's been duped all along. Can it be true? Has Albert been making other deals behind his back? What about honor and integrity?!

Mid digestion, Brandon asks Albert if he went up to Rancher Rick and tried to make a deal yesterday. Albert stutters and stammers, "Umm uh I uh never uh turned against you." That right there should have been a big red flag to Brandon, but as Brandon is about as adept as reading people as Helen Keller would have been reading this here blog, Brandon drags Albert to the center of camp and defends him to both Rick and Sophie. Albert says, "Yeah! I never said nothing bad against Brandon." Rancher Rick shakes his head slowly back and forth and says, "Well now that's just not true. You told me yesterday you wanted to go to the end together." Albert points and cries, "Liar!" And then a 3 foot wooden nose grew out of his face. Rancher Rick throws his cowboy hat in the sand and says, "You lyin' out yer ass! Don't you lie to me!" *bites fist* Punch him, punch him!

Albert stutters some more and it finally dawns on Brandon that maybe his best good friend here isn't telling the truth after all. Brandon says, "You just told me you didn't make any other deals!" Albert replies, "Imma uh I um I... why is homina homina his word uh better than mine?!" Meanwhile Sophie is sitting on the sidelines giggling to herself much like I was giggling into my gin fizzy. I had bubbles up my nose and some drool on my shirt, but I didn't care! Finally that insufferable Albert is caught in his own web of lies. Awful though he may be, he's not dumb. He knows he has to somehow get Brandon back over on his side in order to maintain safety for tonight.

At home I laughed and I laughed. I thought to myself, "Good luck with that sucker!" and then I dipped my breasts one by one into my awaiting bowls of glitter. There is no way that Brandon will forgive someone for such deception, right? Right?!? Wrong. Never has a moral compass been so wonky. I can never find true north! And now I'm stuck at the nexus of the universe wondering which way is up and which way is down... with glittery ta ta's no less!

So while Brandon sits whittling either a pitchfork or a scythe out of a giant piece of driftwood, Albert begs Brandon not to close his heart to him. Oh puh-lease. But, you know what? Albert is totally speaking Brandon's language. That heart crap is right up his alley. But it's when Albert says, "You're making me look like a bad dude" that the deal is cemented. Brandon blurts out, "I'm not voting you. In fact, I'll give you my Immunity necklace." Then they collapse together in the sand to pray. *smacks self in head* Someone come over here and wash this glitter of my boobs. Scrub really hard because I don't want a trace of that shit left behind.

Brandon then goes marching over to Coach and tells him that God spoke to him and dropped some game advice on him... "Yo Brando! What's up buddy? Dude, you gots ta keep Albs in the game yo. And while you're at it, give him that necklace you got. Werd. Peace out." Rrrright. Brandon prays that Coach understands his decision and he knows that Coach would never vote him out, would never do anything to hurt him. Coach just sort of sighs and if there was a thought bubble above his head, it would read: ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME?

Brandon insists that this is what God wants them to do. Coach quickly corrects him and says, "No, this is what God wants you to do." Oh ho ho! I like that. Sneaky, sneaky. Coach says he'll need some time to pray to God himself and see what the ole guy upstairs has to say. "Uh, hello God?" A booming voice bellows, "Brandon! Brandon! Brandon!" "Ok cool, thanks." Coach looks up satisfied and says, "I know what I have to do now." And there you go. The power of prayer.

And this brings us to the latest episode of the Bellevue Diaries... I mean, Tribal Council. With no hesitation Brandon blurts out, "I want to give my Immunity Necklace up." Dimples' jaw hits the floor and Cochran starts giggling over on the Jury. Coach strokes his beard furiously as we hear the plop plop plop of Brandon's tears hitting the sand.

And this is where we finally find out about Brandon's checkered past. You see, he was in the Jets or the Sharks but when it came time for the big fight number no one showed up and he had perform a solo. It was embarrassing for the young lad. All of those finger snaps and leaps all by himself. He wasn't prepared for that. So, ever since then, he never dances alone anymore. And that's why he's loyal to a fault - to a giant stinking festering fault.

Dimples listens to all of this and says, "But Albert is your competitor!" Albert interjects with, "I've always believed that there was a higher purpose to this game." Oh. Shut. Up. Just sit there with your necklace and shut up.

Dimples then asks Albert if he'll take off the necklace right now for Brandon as a show of good faith, as proof of this "higher purpose". Albert frantically glue guns the necklace to his skin and says, "Uh I don't think God wants me to do that. I'll hang onto it." A pained look of defeat covers Brandon's face as he admits that he is no longer at peace with his decision. The struggle, the turmoil, within this kid is unreal. I still maintain that he was never medically sound enough to be on this show in the first place. I get what he's trying to do. I see that he really believes that he's doing the right thing. The problem is, along the way, he's getting taken advantage of. And when all of this is said and done, he'll emerge more damaged, more bitter, and more closed up than he was when the game started. So, we bid adieu to young Brandon as he is the 15th person voted out of Survivor South Pacific.

So, what did you guys think? Is Ozzy earning votes over on his Pleasure Dome? Did Coach totally fake talking to God? Will Brandon beat Ozzy in the duel? Who do you want to win Survivor South Pacific? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! If you've enjoyed what I've done this season, I ask that you please click on my PayPal link and show a girl some love. I'll meet you guys back here on Monday for my final blog of the season. See you then!


  1. I just wanna see the glitter on those breasts...LOL

  2. I know the people on here don't want to hear this but actually Brandon is the ONLY one with honor and integrity on the show.. Coach is just a fake. I am with you on wondering if he didn't just pass his decision to cut Brandon's throat off on his fake praying to God. He will pay for putting this on God so he takes no responsibility. I for one hope Brandon wins the 100,000.

  3. Is it weird that I hope either Sophie or Rick wins. Ozzy is a dick, Coach is fake, Albert is playing too many strategies at once and then throws everyone else "under the bus" to quote Rick, about it, and Brandon is just...Brandon.

    I'd prefer Sophie win over Rick because she's actually done more playing of the game than Rick has, or from what we're seeing. But neither of them have really caused too much unnecessary drama in comparison to their tribe mates. They are much more pleasant to watch than everyone else.

  4. I just donated a fiver. I want to say it's for your charm and wit, the entertainment of your words... but really.. it was the way you dunked your boobs in glitter for us. Glittery ta-tas are a quick way for me to reach for my (paypal) wallet. Email me some pics of them as thanks, LaLa! And nice write up... though you kind of rushed through the bullshit at Tribal Council and Coach's hypocritical actions and manipulation.

  5. Note to self... More nudity. Sex sells.

  6. Brandon - I hope they keep some Thorazine on hand. That boy totally needs it.

    Coach - The god thing? Total bullshit. But it works. He came, no one wanted anything to do with him. He observed, saw they were all willing to go along with Brandon in his God delusion and even after having voted that moron out, he'll have his vote. Cause it was all about god. Coach is a master manipulator. If he makes the final 3 (and Ozzy doesn't) he'll pull a Rob and win it.

    Albert - Oh, just go away already.

    Rick - Who? If he's in the final 3, his response will be, "My strategy was to stay under the radar". Oh, shut up. You just coat tailed. Go away too.

    Sophie - I'd love her to win

    Ozzy - if he makes the 3, he could well take it. He has his tribe's votes, and he fed and was nice to everyone who came through. He could get it, despite his total douche-itude. Course, maybe then he's just quietly disappear. That could only be good.

  7. Lala pleez, don't mention glitter and tatas again. Now we can't get a decent response from the male responders. They lost you at tatas. Anyway....this was a great episode. Finally! "With an entire row of reds, Edna shouts Jrff Jeff" I love it! Glad to see her go.

    I'm just wondering what kind of lives these people live when Coach says something like "My soul has never grieved like it does now" Are you kidding me, the game of survivor is the most soul grieving moment of your life?.....I am so over these drama queens.

  8. Totally LOL! Your blog is halarious. We couldn't make these scenarios up that are happening on this show. And we wonder why the country is so phucked up, look at the inhabitants. All said and done, Ozzy is the only deserving contestant to win the $$. Brandon,Cockroah,and the remaining dicks only deserve the wrath of god.


  9. Your opening paragraph was oh so clever.

    I'd like to mention that I don't think the survivors should be able to help the dualers. What good is a "dual" if one has 5 people on their side? Doesn't make sense to me and I am surprised the show allows it.

    You always talk about how Ozzy is so arrogant. But that guy walks the walk. I think he deserves to be arrogant. He's pretty awesome at everything. At least he isn't just running his mouth about something he can't measure up to. He's amazing. And although he bugged me during the game at times with a different type of arrogance, (like how comfortable he was at camp), I am kind of rooting for him to come back in the game.

    The whole part were Brandon asked Coach for a hug was weird. You are right, that kid belongs in Bellevue. BUT, I think he was already nervous at that point, and was trying to cement their relationship so that Coach wouldn't vote him off despite was God told him to do. Pulease!

    Albie really did speak Brandon's language.I thought it was a nifty trick to pull out of his hat at that moment. It was smart of Albert. Talk about arrogant, he's arrogant and he can't even back up his game. Just another example of why I think Ozzy deserves to be arrogant.

    I don't think Ozzy is garnering votes on his Pleasure Dome. Remember when Cochran was there? Ozzy just offended him because Ozzy came right out and said something about getting his vote at final tribal. I think Ozzy's head is too big to garner votes. I think he probably brags about how much food he has eaten, how well he sleeps, etc. to scare them before the dual. I don't see him kissing ass, but I've been known to be wrong before.

    I was deeply annoying how much air time God is getting on this season. I hope they do a better job of screening cast members next season and try to find 16 people that aren't so devoted to God. God has way more important things to do than help you win immunity or tell you who to vote for.

    At this point I am rooting for Sophie to be the sole survivor! I hope it's not Coach. And I'm certain it won't be Albert, I think he's gone next week unless he wins immunity.

    Loved the post. I think it was one of your best. I loved "evict brandon my son". ha ha

  10. again, my dear, you have been the best part of this season of survivor. i wish i were rich instead of talented and handsome, for i would deposit a russel hantz-sized chunk of change in your paypal account. instead, if you're ever in c-town i will personally wash any and all unwanted glitter from your breasts while i feed you gin-soaked vicodin cookies. thanks for the laughs, lala.

  11. Oh please. Brandon is just using God to make himself look good. Every move he makes is a 'hero' move and the pious pity parties he throws in his honor are gross. It's so obvious what he is doing. He wants us all to think he is the anti-Hantz so badly that he is willing to make an ass of himself to prove it. There must be some pretty nasty skeletons in his closet that he is trying to exorcise! And Coach is just as bad, although I do believe he is purposely using God to do his dirty work. I knew God would 'tell' him to vote out Brandon just as sure as I knew he was too weasly to own up to it as his own doing. Sophie is the only one actually playing on her own, with no deity to back her up. I respect that. At this point, I hope she wins it all.

  12. I guess it is just beyond my ability to comprehend. But why would anyone actually believe that God (He, She, or They, depending on your theology) has any interest whatsoever in who plays, much less wins, the game of Survivor? I read the newspaper. I watch television. There are plenty of important things going on around this planet that really require the attention of this God, and I would question the sanity of any deity who spent a single moment contemplating who should win immunity and who needs to be voted out at tribal council. I mean, honestly. Why can't folks just accept that they are out in the world pretty much alone, and it is through their own accomplishments and failures that their fates are shaped? These people who believe that God is interested in every detail of their life need to spend some time in a lock-down facility because they are on one hell of an ego trip. Just go play the damned game and see what happens. If you win, be proud of yourself. If you lose, learn from your mistakes. And get on with life. God may be a lot of things. But I'm pretty sure that micro-manager is not one of them.

  13. You are brilliant! I wish I had been following your blog all along, as you have some terrific insight ... cheers to you, my glittery tata confederate!

    my take is less salty, but I'd love you to check it out at:

  14. Did anyone else notice when Brandon was doing the whole chest tap sky pointing thing, the editors slipped in what sounded like a church bell? Happened twice I think. I found that to be hilarious. If Brandon were to stick around any longer we could potentially have a new drinking game!

  15. You should have talked about Brandon's immunity necklace prophetically disengaging itself from Albert's neck... lol

    Somehow, after Albert and Coach have been called out tonight for milking Brandon's delusions of God and loyalty,it seems that Rick might actually win this. Sophie is as usual astute and safe to be in final three.


  16. OZZY is the Only Player that Actually plays the Game.Rick:He is just Old and never won a single challenge.Sophie was one of my favorites,but can`t get so much points as Ozzy.Coach:The great Manipulator...he did nothing for Jury Votes....why should someone vote for him?Albert: He is just one unpleasant Individual..The Big Strategy....his play was no good.
    So OZZY must be the winner:He has for sure the 5 SAVAII votes+ 1 maybe form Cochran + 1 from Edna (not sure about that) and if Brandon looses he will vote OZZY too....his tribe betrayed him in every way!.....So : GO OZZY

  17. You have set the bar for blog writing.
    Your talent puts me in a state of awe.
    A new category needs to be set up for the Pulitzer Prize: Blog Master.
    I know you already have a job now.
    But with mastery like yours, someday your name will well known everywhere.
    God told me.

  18. Made a donation earlier this week...$25.00. Love your Work/craft/art. Thanks for the laughs!

  19. they need to stop bring back former players, this season and last season is the wrost ever!

  20. This could possibly be your greatest blog of the season Miss Lala. You have had so much this season to work with, so many characters.

    This episode was so full of it leading up to the Tribal Council, I just cannot get out of my head the picture of Lil Hantz interrupting Dimples and saying he is given up immunity, it would not be funny if it was someone else but it was damn hilarious coming from him.

    Coach is a hypocrite, he claims to be a Christian man, makes promises and then pretends to pray to God for guidance in how to vote, what a load of bullshit Coach. Firstly why cannot Coach make up his own mind, then he tells Brandon that God has told him what he should do, coincidentally it is the very same thing that he wanted prior to Immunity challenge and prior to the 10 second prayer.

    Now if anyone did cast that third vote for Brandon, it was not Coach but it was God, that is Coach's story and he is sticking to it.

    Personally I hope Ozzy or Sophie win the game, I can hear people now if Ozzy wins, he did not deserve it because he was on Rhode Island etc etc but everyone should cast their minds back one season and everyone wanted Matt back in and go on to reach final three.

    Once again, great blog great season and I look forward to your offering post Finale.
    If I could just say one final thing, thanks for posting this and every blog to my Fan Page. It's well received.

  21. I am immune to the glitter references, as I only watch the show during breaks from listening listening to Chita Rivera albums and buying Hummel figurines, if you know what I mean.

    But I was completely captivated with the Martyrdom of St. Brandon, which I hope is soon followed by his bodily assumption into heaven. God bless the crazy little monkey, I will miss him. There was a time when I hoped he would chew Edna's face off.

    I detest Coach and his vaguely Larry Ellison-Ninja hair, but worry that we will see him up against the Oz in the finale, in a kind of Godzilla vs. Mothra showdown, hopefully with Coach going down after being clocked by the butterfly spittle-ray.

    Love your blog, Sweet Pea, will make a small donation, which you can only use to purchase a bottle of Lancer's Port for the last show.

  22. Marcellus & Erik redux. Sure, I'll give up the POV/Necklace.

    Don't they ever learn?

  23. Ah, Goddess Lala! You have once again filled with prose for the Gods, sent down for us mere mortals to savor! What on the surface could have been perceived as trivial boringness, is revealed for all its intricacies and wonder! And what was thought to be spiritually ordained is so far proven to be stupidity at its worst! But it all leaves us with just one question: Does Lala really throw glitter around her room and drink gin fizzys late into the night? No matter - it was an excellent recap!

  24. Praise the Lord, and pass the Kool-Aid. Poor, pathetic Brandon. He only wants to clear the Hantz name. He may never be invited to a family reunion again. Great blog, as usual Lala.

  25. From now on it's Colette Ta Ta! Praise the Lord!

  26. Brandon...

    God is technicolor.... God is groovy... God is love...

    I love you... my child... my love.

    you are so beautiful... you are connected... you are knowing... you are one with the universe... with me.



    can you feel the chi?

    it's there... trust me.



    you can't feel it?

    it is being denied to you!

    This is the work of the Dark Ones.

    The Dark Ones are denying you...

    kill them.

    kill them all.

    murder is a privilege for the elite...

    for the blessed feelers of the chi.


    my child.

    my love.

    I hereby release you from the morality of ordinary men.

    what is within must become without...

    stop crying my love.

    you must be strong...

    here, drink this kool-aid...

    you know what must be done.

    now go.

    oh, and Brandon?

    on your way back can you grab me a cherry slurpee?

    No, wait!

    make that a grape slurpee.

    thankyou my child.

    I love you.

    Oh... and remember...

    it is GOD'S WILL that you vote for me.

    well, YOU rationalise Brandon's behaviour then. Good fucking luck glittery tits!

    I am going to get nice and loaded for the finale.

    I hope Sophie wins.

  27. I really want to donate but you make it too obvious you like Sophie and I just don't know if I can support that. She acts like she better/smarter then everyone else and she really hasn't done anything...I guess I'll decide based on how your next blog is written.

  28. I've made it obvious I like Sophie? Huh. That's news to me.

  29. Can you hear my finger tapping as Meryl Streep fades into ???? I'm so ready for the finale and my bathtub is empty of gin, the glitter is far away on a distant wind.

    Sophie might have won if they hadn't fuzzed her side boob in the last show. She probably needs a good scrubbing too.

    Get ready to rumble, bitches.
    All my love from the East Coast of the USA.

  30. Speaking of glitter on bout when Sophie had her boob hanging out of her shirt and nobody said anything to her....i bet Sophie wanted to have some of ur glitter sprayed on her boob, lol....☺.....

  31. just learned who the winner is - how horribly disappointing!

  32. Random thoughts:
    I've known women like Sophie, and it wasn't fun. The personality type is arrogant, self absorbed, and bully's. I could not believe when she told Albert during the "stacking" challenge to remove himself from the challenge and help HER!! What a bitch!!

    - Wonder how Albert felt having not received not even one vote. I would have rather he won than Sophie.

    - Glad that Coach got the tongue lashing he deserved.

    - I love Ozzy. Of course he should have won, but at least he did win Fan Favorite.

    -Brandon needs an intervention, but not sure who in his world is stable enough to stage it.

    - Cochran is still a slimy cockroach.


  33. I have to respond to the last anonymous. It's only called bitchy when women do that; when men do that it's called decisive. If Probst had allowed it, Albert helping Sophie would have been the smartest move for Albert to make.

    The most self-absorbed player in the final 3 was Albert as he literally had no idea what anyone felt nor how he comes across. I feel sorry for his dating clients. Either Coach or Sophie winning would've made me happy with the preference for Sophie since she was the most self aware.

    Thank you Lala for another season of delicious commentary!

  34. I don't think that Sophie was a bitch during the card-stacking. I think it was smart strategy if CBS would allow them to help to each other. And if she won, Albert would've been absolutely safe. ...Yes, she was 'short' with him--but it was a tense moment.

    Now a *real* bitch move was Albert following Sophie around on the final challenge course. As I see it, he could only have been doing it on purpose. He wanted Sophie to lose the challenge. He knew that if Sophie won the final challenge, the jury would see her as a much stronger player. (I think he knew that he was going to end up in the Final 3, no matter what. So if he couldn't win the final challenge, he could at least hold Sophie back.)

    I'm not amused that the jury members put up with arrogance and social awkwardness in the men--but a woman is still expected to act with complete social grace (in a game where 'survive' means 'f*ck your brother').

    I love that Sophie is confidant. But it's obvious she's also lived a life with a good amount of social awkwardness: the shoulders make it obvious. The shoulders also tell me she is not over-confidant/bratty/bitchy.

    It was a glittery fun season, bitches. Can't wait for the biggest highlight of all: CoLa's finale blog!!!

  35. Great write-up/wrap-up for the season! Now, to comment the game:

    I would be remiss not to point out that NOT taking Sophie out at the last tribal council was one of the biggest strategic blunders I've ever seen. Had Coach, Rick, and Albert all drawn their guns, pointed, and fired blank range at Sophie, only one person would have gotten blamed --> Ozzy. Yes, it would have been cruel, it would have been cold, it would have been merciless. But it would have been brilliant. Kudos to Sophie for winning.

    Brandon... After posting last week and reflecting for a day or two, I really wanted to say that while his strategy of giving his idol away was not the best move (and not the first time it's been done), he is the kind of person who I would want covering my back, whether it was in a dark alley or in a business deal, anywhere and any time. That kind of loyalty is not easily found, and when you do find it, it's like finding a priceless gem among a mountain of coal.

    Now, tis the season for Survivor to be over and we'll all have to wait until next year to again make our Survivor posts. Merry Christmas to all, till then!

    PS. That was the most beautiful glitter...