Saturday, February 12, 2011

Steve: Death By Talking

Last one! Hooray!

Steve is 51 and did something with the Dallas Cowboys that I don't quite understand. It has to do with a being a free agent. Does that mean he played or something? Unless he was a cheerleader and on that show Making The Team: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I really don't care what he did.

So Steve doesn't like it when people litter and he wants to go on Survivor to teach everyone the value of teamwork. Grrrreat, that should be fun. To the video!

OK I think he's still talking. The video stopped, but I'm pretty sure he's still talking and a poor cameraman is whimpering from the hot Nicaraguan sun.

Steve's annoying. He's a little bit like Hank Hill or Al Bundy in that he lives his life through his football years that happened ages ago. Live in the now man.

All I really care about is that I'm done. YESSSSS!

I'll do an announcement about the Survivor Fantasy Game at the Bitchy Network in a few days. Later bitches!

Stephanie: Always Wrong, Never Right

Stephanie Valencia describes herself as a brat who gets what she wants and says that even when she's wrong, she's right. Way to win over the fans Steph! One question though, if you get whatever you want, then what the hell are you doing waitressing at the age of 25? Something you might want to think about. Just sayin'.

Anyhow, Stephanie also thinks she'd be the love child of Parvati and Russell. Sorry chicky. The love child of Parvati and Russell is known as Belial and he's one of the four crown princes of Hell. I also think he haunted Ryan Buell on Paranormal State so don't say his name aloud or anything because you might get a sudden hankering to talk all douchey-like into a tape recorder.

Alright I'm sick of you already. Let's watch your tape and confirm my suspicions:

Yeah, she's a hot mess. Guarantee she's one of the first voted off. She should have applied for the Bad Girls Club instead.

Sarita: Salaciously Sagacious

We're nearing the end of our journey through the players of Survivor: Redemption Island and thank god for that cuz I'm sick of getting up before 3.

Alright, so today we meet Sarita White. Sarita is a 36 year old Visual Effects Producer from that mysterious casting state of California. Sarita likes to live, laugh, love and says one of her favorite hobbies is lying about in various stages of repose. As that sounds vaguely Jane Austenian to me, I can respect that.

Sarita also describes herself as "sagacious". As I'm a master wordsmith, I'll assume that's a typo and insist she meant "salacious". Let's watch her video, shall we?

Bitch lied! She's nothing like Jane Austen! Jane Austen would never talk about pooping in an outhouse. She'd merely gesture languidly is the general area of the outdoors and then go back to needlepointing a tablecloth. Also, I'm pretty sure this Sarita chick is nuttier than a fruitcake. She's got that wild unkempt look in both her eyes and her hair. I don't give her very long. Her tribe will tire of her quickly.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Russell: Lucifer

If you're new to this blog, then you should know that Russell Hantz has, and always will be, known as Lucifer. It began back in Samoa laced with love. It continued in Heroes V. Villains tinged with disdain. How I'll type Lucifer this season remains to be seen. I'm very up and down with Mr. Spoiler Hantz.

Lucifer will never win Survivor, but he's made a hell of a lot of money trying. Little talked about fact: contestants do get paid (handsomely) for placing near the top. He's good for drama and he's good for ratings. Sometimes his arrogance is charming and other times it's fucking annoying. I never know what I'm going to get with Lucifer. One thing I do know is that he loves the game about as much as I do. No season is ever boring with him playing in it so... thank you Lucifer and GAME ON!

Rob: Out For Hobbit Blood

Boston Rob is a name we're all familiar with. He's played Survivor 85 times and has never won. He transformed himself from a semi unlikable guy to a guy you kind of want to root for.

A lot of people have issues with former players coming back, but I don't mind it at all. I just want a good solid game with a shitload of drama and lots of backstabbing. I think Rob is someone who can contribute to my vision of a Survivor Utopia. Only a select few are handpicked to become "Professional Survivor Players" and you kind of have to respect that. Whether you love him or hate him, Rob is back to play bitches. It'll be extremely difficult for him to win, but you better believe I'm going to enjoy watching him try.

Ralph: Floated Right Into My Heart

Ralph is a 44 year old farmer from the great Commonwealth of Virginia. He's quite proud of the fact that he's completely debt free at this stage in his life and owns two homes. Meanwhile, I'm still running from the Columbia Records Club and denying the fact that I ever willingly ordered an Enya CD. So yeah, good for you Ralph!

Ralph is also a self proclaimed mountain man which means only one thing: Henceforth, in my world, he's a moonshiner. You know how I love to write about the 'shine! Let's listen to our Virginie outlaw, shall we?

*swoon* Oh my god... he's glorious. I can't understand a single goddang word he says, but I love him. The only phrases I caught were "dead and gone" and "hell of a good time". He's so rustic and hardcore. I just hope he was talking about a squirrel or a deer just then and not a 5 year old child. That would be awkward, right?

Can you imagine the conversations between him and Lucifer? *claps hands and giggles* OK I'm officially excited now.

Phillip: Taye Bristow

Meet Phillip. He's 52 and is a Tech Exec (like Spike!) from Santa Monica. I have no idea what a "Tech Exec" is, but I'm pretty sure it involves making lamps out of potatoes and solving the static cling problem. Well, either that, or he works in an underground bunker figuring out ways to implant microchips into our brains. Yes, I'm sure I'm right about this.

Let's take a gander at Phillip's video, shall we?

Hey, no one told me Taye Diggs was on this season! Cool! He's aged a little, but I'm pretty sure he can still help Stella get her groove back.

In all seriousness, I think Phillip is a secret agent. He scares me with how he can tell what I've had for dinner by whether or not I've crossed and uncrossed my legs. Either he's a threat to national security or he'll save us all from the Mayans. Let's hope it's the latter.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Natalie: Amityville Shoulders

Natalie is 19 and I think it should be a Survivor rule that teenagers are no longer allowed on this show. I want my Survivor like a velvet roped club. You have to be 21 and willing to sleep with whomever is in charge. If you can't drink alcohol, you can't win a million dollars. To me, this is common sense. I guess I'd just like to watch people with a tad more life experience. Even I'd like to learn something once in a while and I'm not sure a Miley Cyrus song is what I want to learn at this point in my life.

Natalie is a dancer and says her personal claim to fame is being the youngest female to play Survivor. See? This is why we shouldn't have teenagers on this show. That's not a claim to fame. That's a product of circumstance. Ugh, I haven't even watched her video yet and I already hate her. Hey, do you think Matt uses an exfoliator or a buf-puf?

Alright let's watch the teenager's video...

Yeah, I stand by my no teenager's rule. This girl can't put a complete sentence together and I think her shoulders might be possessed. I didn't watch the whole video, but I know she's still unsure of herself in this world and that's just not a person I want to root for in the greatest game to hit television. Moving on...

Mike: Mike Who?

Mike Chiesl is a 31 year old marine from California and he looks like a foot compared to Matt. It's not his fault really. It's CBS' fault for putting him in the line-up right after sparkly glittery Matt.

Mike says a lot of marine things and quotes a lot of marine stuff. His dad was a marine. His grandpa was a marine. His cat was a marine. Marine, marine, marine! I suppose if I came from a military family this stuff might be interesting, but it just isn't. I'd rather talk about what volumizer Matt uses. I'll bet it's Aveda.

So here's Mike's video. Let's hope he can break the spell Matt's golden locks has put me under.

I think I saw Matt in the trees in the background. I'll bet he was writing poetry to a horse. After his poem is finished, he'll probably weave a basket out of giant palm leaves.

So, yeah, that's Mike. He's the one who's not Matt.

P.S. When I googled Mike's picture, the whole Image Page was filled with photos of Matt. HAHA! Poor Mike. The guy just can't catch a break.

Matt: Pretty Pretty Pony

Matt Elrod is a 22 year old from Nashville and he's just so damn pretty. I'm not one of those gals who goes gaga over a good looking guy, but I'm pretty sure Matt is made of rose petals and pixie dust. I cued up his video for this post, caught a blurb and, I shit you not, a rainbow darted across the room. Not even the sky, the room.

He's pre-med, describes himself as mysterious and wants to play the game with honesty and integrity. Way to kill a buzz, man! I hate the dignified integrity holier than thou types. I would have respected him a lot more had he flashed his pearly whites, swished his hair and made all the men and women drop their panties.

Alright, let's get to the video... prepare yourselves... extra elastic on your underthings is advised...

I have no idea what he said. Do you think he uses Redken or Frederic Fekkai on that hair? Was the hammock red or paisley? I have no damn idea. What I do know is that I think I'm pregnant now. It'll be a blonde blue eyed bitch with a year round tan and a twinkle in her eye. I'll sell her placenta on eBay. Her DNA will be the Dorian Gray of the anti-aging world.

My god, I hope he sticks around. The blogs are already writing themselves and according to my clock, I'll be due in November. Please give me a Phaedra style baby shower. Thank you.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Kristina: Bad Ass Bitch

Kristina is a 46 year old mother to an autistic child and hails from the wilds of Malibu, California. She's a late in life law student as a result of the struggles she's had to endure dealing with improving her son's quality of life. I love it when people in their 40's/50's pick up an entirely new career path. I think it's sort of ballsy and very Elizabeth Wurtzelian. Just look at Paula Deen or Gene Hackman. Paula didn't become famous or a millionaire until she was in her 50's. Gene Hackman didn't start acting until he was 42! Shit, I got decades to make something happen. In the meantime I'll just continue making fun of reality people and watching Masterpiece Theatre, but I digress. We're talking about Kristina here not me.

I love that Kristina knows lying and manipulation are part of the game. She calls anyone who can't grasp that concept an "idiot". Nice! Name calling is the quickest way to my heart. Let's watch her video and hope she's as inspirational as I want her to be.

I think I like her. When she leaned forward and said, "Watch it. I'm gonna win. That's the scoop." I laughed and flashed her my bitch gang sign. I mean, good for her. Why not? She wants to be a lawyer for the right reasons not like the others who think the lawyer badge is something that makes them superior. Kristina is kind of a bad ass. She's definitely tough. I can respect that. I'm dying to see how she plays. I have a feeling I'll either love her or hate her. Only time will tell.

Krista: Meet The Klumpp

I was ready to like Krista because her last name is Klumpp. The hardships she must have endured as a child... just imagine. But then I discovered she's a cheerleader/pageant person. Hey, I have no problem with cheerleading. Yours truly has nailed a Liberty in her time and even stuck her back handspring during that Yaz song, but cheerleading and pageanting? That's two pom pom shakes shy of a Lifetime movie.

Anyhow, Krista is pharmaceutical rep and can probably score you a sweet deal on benzos... or maybe not. She looks like the church going type. Let's see if Miss Klumpp has any potential for evil, shall we?

She's Kim Richards meets Kathy from BB12. A little crazy in the eyes with an annoying accent. And what's with the neck rolling? I may or may not have dunked 4 dramamines into my morning jug of gin while watching that.

She's not completely unlikable. There's a definite sassy streak there. I'd like to see what she does with it. If she's decent in the challenges she could be that dark horse that slips through past the merge before anyone else is the wiser.

Julie: Guard Your Puppies

Julie is a 50 year old firefighter from Ocean Side, California. She's an outdoorsy kind of gal who likes to paddle and enter canoe contests. She strives to be a role model to her daughters and despises laziness and bullies. On paper she sounds tough and a little Shambo-y, but let's watch her video and see what the real deal is.

Oh really? Yuck. Sorry hon, but the last thing I want to hear about is your financial woes and how badly you need the money. You don't go on Survivor to pay off your house. You go on Survivor for the experience of a lifetime and to challenge yourself. If I want to watch someone bitch about cash I'll watch an Atlanta housewife.

Is something about her "off"? I'm getting an unstable laugh-one-minute-skewer-a-puppy-the-next kind of a vibe from her. She's teetering on the edge of "Come here give me a hug" and "I'll stab you when you sleep!". I don't know. I don't trust her. Is it just me or is she half way to Crazy Town?

Grant: Touchdown Dog

Grant is 29, teaches yoga, and used to play in the NFL. He loves his wife, enjoys surfing, wants to find his true self, and fancies himself to be a good leader. So far he sounds a little like Matthew McConaughey only without the naked bongo playing thing and bad Sarah Jessica Parker movies. He seems nice enough I guess. No highfalutin talk or any "I'm smart. I'm really smart. Hey, look how smart I am." proclamations. So far, so good.

Where Grant really tweaks my nipples is when he declares his disdain for people who say "like" all the time. Like, he really like hates people who like talk like Insignificant Kelly. Tell me you spread glitter all over your ass cheeks just for fun on a lazy Saturday and you and I can be best friends Grant.

This love affair must end so let's check out his video where I'm bound to be annoyed.

You know what? I like him. He's just an all around nice humble guy. His hair needs to be set on fire with his kundalini, but other than that I kind of like Grant. He's down to earth, not hamming it up for the camera and seems to have a realistic outlook on the game. He'll do well in challenges and maybe for kicks he'll put his feet behind his head. Gooooo Grant!

Francesca: Hold The Mayo

Today we meet Francesca Hogi. Besides being named after a sandwich, she's 36 and hails from my neck of the woods - Washington D.C.. According to Ms. Hogi, her personal claim to fame is assembling the most amazing group of friends. Really? That's it? My personal claim to fame is getting a satyr to hang upside down from my chandelier while chugging a bottle of Tanqueray, but, hey, to each her own.

Francesca is an attorney which by definition means she thinks she knows everything. Let's check out her video and see if I'm right.

Oh Christ. She's a proud bully and puts her hands on her hips as she announces "I'm an impatient person." Likable! *eye roll*

My favorite part is when she says she's good at perceiving how others see her. Hey Francesca, what finger am I holding up right now?

I get this feeling from Francesca that she's not only a lot of talk and little action, but probably very difficult to please and high maintenance. I'm going to go out on a limb and say she won't last very long at all. She could kick ass in the challenges, but I think the personality clashes will be her downfall. She reminds me of that chick on America's Next Top Model who got pissy waiting around for the photo shoot to start. In the end, that chick got her head shaved and was quickly kicked to the curb. Well Francesca, you're halfway there!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

David: Throw Away The Key

David is 31 and hails from that vast Survivor stomping ground known as West Hollywood. A defense attorney, David is convinced that 9 times out of 10 he's always the smartest person in the room. Clearly, he hasn't been in a room with me.

In his quest to make the world a better place, David would like to imprison the stupid and criminalize idiocy. I'd love to hate on that, but the fact that I agree with him makes it next to impossible. I'm sure I can find something else to make fun of him for. Let's watch his video.

Chime the douche bells. Ring those bitches loud and fierce please.

Oh David... I'll ignore that you talk like a stroke victim and focus on the fact that you keep talking about how smart you are. Look, there are 3 things I've learned in life - never dance in a Snuggie on a marble floor, pineapples dipped in chocolate will bring you closer to God, and never ever ever trust anyone who tells you over and over again how smart/pretty/trustworthy they are. Chances are those people lick wallpaper, have hairy moles, and will blackmail their own parents if given the chance. All of this means only one thing of course... David is insecure. A secure person wouldn't try so hard to impress me. Does he think I'm going to like him after acting like such a pompous ass? I'll tell you who's stupid - Mr. David Murphy, that's who! Lock his ass up and throw away the key. The world seems more peaceful already, doesn't it?

I don't like him at all. Not one bit.

Ashley: Dirty Shoe Lover

Ashley is a Jane of all trades. She's played basketball professionally, lived in Switzerland, competed as Miss Maine in the Miss USA competition and says (repeatedly) that she's a "nurse by education". A good old fashioned country gal, she grew up on a farm and uses phrases like "devoted wife" and "doting mother" to describe her mom. I don't know anyone who describes their mother like that. If I had to describe mine it would be "devoted to patent leather" and "doting lover of new age crystals". I'll bet Ashley's mom never wore patent leather shoes to go see Sylvia Browne live. Her loss, my unusual 2012 Mayan prophecy gain.

One of Ashley's redeeming qualities is her unusually long list of pet peeves. Preach it girl. Gum chewers, mouth breathers, popcorn chompers, people who talk with their eyes closed, people who retweet private conversations, people who say "it is what it is", Claire Danes fans... ok so those are my pet peeves, but I'm sure Ashley would agree that Claire Danes and her eyelashes aren't fit for public consumption.

After watching Ashley's video I'm kind of on the fence. I hate it when pageant girls feel the need to defend themselves yet I think it's funny she'll judge someone by the newness of their sneakers. She's got that evil lilting inflection thing going on that can either be bitchy charming or bitchy cunty. I'm not sure yet. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Andrea: Dart Board Material

Welcome back to another season of mud slinging, bra yanking, junk blurring and good old-fashioned sock burning. Over the next week I'll be inaccurately summing up Survivor Redemption Island's participants. Some will live up to my assessments while others will manage will piss me off with something as simple as a look or an annoying voice inflection. Without further ado, let's meet our first contestant...

Andrea is 21, hails from Wisconsin and has a fear of electric staplers. She claims to be a mash up of J.T. and Parvati and is confident her background in the 4-H club will help her navigate the harsh Nicaraguan terrain. *pause* Excuse me, my eyes are stuck in my frontal lobe. All that rolling does that sometimes.

While watching her cast video I got the distinct impression she was auditioning for a Christopher Guest movie. Tell me this doesn't fit perfectly into Waiting For Guffman...

Like I've maybe said many times before, anyone who refers to themself as "Barbie" while simultaneously shrugging their shoulders and giggling is better suited to having their skins fashioned into a dart board then out in the jungle playing the world's most respected game. Having said that, I could definitely see myself having a lot of fun with this one... glorious, looking up words and phrases in the DSM IV type of fun. Hooray!

She like doesn't like girly girls, but people like can't believe that she like likes to hunt. *sharpens knives* This bitch is annoying and phony. Time to friend her on Facebook!