Thursday, February 24, 2011

You Guys Performed Gallantry-ly

The world of Survivor is a harsh and unforgiving world. Torrential rains, incessant bug bites, poor hygiene, massive egos. It's a place where people eat souls for breakfast and throw their opponents to the lions. Things like "good sportsmanship" and "Christian values" are not welcome in this place where "turn the other cheek" could be your ticket to hell. Survivor is pagan, Mayan, hedonistic... Satanic. Smile and you may find your neighbor bathing in your blood before the day is done. Pray and you're sure to find yourself tied to a spit roasting over an open fire. Shake an innocent hand and you'll find your head - your pretty, luscious, blond head - sitting on a spike on a lonely and desolate island while flies feast on your eyeballs. "Nice" is a four letter word in this jungle of hate - it's offensive, objectionable, obnoxious and outlandish. You have to scrub the niceness from your epidermis in order to succeed in the world of Survivor. Hmmm, I wonder if they have Buf-Puf's on Redemption Island... let's recap, shall we?

We begin our tale of evil under the cover of night on a teeny tiny island off the mainland known as Rhode Island (Redemption Island). Francaressca is the island's sole inhabitant. She's only been there for a few minutes but already she's got a hankering for chowda and talks with an annoying accent. Francappucinoca, perhaps filled with adrenaline and an inexplicable urge to ghosthunt, knows that sleep won't be easy. In fact, sleep may not come at all. Making her way to a "Welcome To Rhode Island" sign, Franczechrepublica reads the brochure and discovers she's to survive on a tiny ration of rice and water and with only the most basic of supplies. Franchoirpractica sighs in response and mumbles that's it ok. It'll all be ok. She has a chance to come back and, hey, in the end this might just be the best thing that's ever happened to her. She's got flint and a no muss no fuss hairdo. As far as Francheesecaka is concerned, she could still win this thing.

Back at Omarion (Ometepe), the weary shell-shocked tribe returns as the most seasoned veteran, Boston Rob, declares that that Tribal Council was the craziest one he's ever been to... ever! Furthermore, Rob knows that both Phillip and Kristina were lying. Their lips were moving and that's proof enough for him. While Rob relies on gut instinct to fuel his opinions, Phillip prefers his commanding officer. Crouching behind a bush listening intently to the radio piece in his ear, Phillip quietly nods in response to something and then whispers indistinctly into an old water bottle with a twig sticking out of it. I think he just received instructions from Langley, but I can't be sure. After carefully hiding the ear piece in his tighty pinkies, Phillip motions to Rob that he'd like a word with him. Rob reclucantly follows him out of the camp and listens while Phillip informs him, "You own my vote." Rob politely smiles and nods as Phillip clicks his heels, salutes and then marches away. Sydney Bristow, eat your heart out.

A new day dawns and with that, a hunger. A hunger so primal and pure the only thing that can satisfy it is a hunt fit for a warrior. Spear in hand, eyes shifty, Phillip has stripped down to his pink loin cloth and is about to confront his enemy - a bright red cantankerous crab with an attitude problem and a length of about 4 inches. Crabs are fidgety sideways creatures. Horizontal in their thinking they tiptoe over rocks back and forth, back and forth, very much like the watch of a hypnotist. Even the most adept of warriors can be rendered dumbstruck by a crab's wiley yet balletic movements. Phillip has prepared for this moment though. He's trained his whole life to take out this enemy - Afghanistan, Pakistan, Tripoli, the east wing of the men's ward at Bellevue. Observing from behind a bush, Pretty Pony (Matt) and his lady friends watch the fearless warrior approach his prey. With one arm raised above his head and the other stretched forward for balance, Phillip takes his aim and hurls his handmade spear through the air. Crabby McCraberson catches the spear in his teeth and spits it back at his opponent. For that, he'll pay. Ohhhh how he'll pay. Unphased by failure, Phillip takes his stance again and I can't decide if he's Kunta Kinte or Christopher Atkins from the fish spearing scene in the Blue Lagoon. Kunta Kinte was black, but Christopher Atkins liked to take two coconuts and pretend he had breasts. It doesn't matter really. All that matters is that the hunter has caught his prey. He has served his country proudly and now he can enjoy that teeny tiny crab leg spread on a cracker. Victory!

Over at Zappa (Zapatera) a very different creature is greeting the day. Rooster Ralph is cock-a-doodle-doing himself into a frenzy. He, too, feels the primal pull of the wild only he chooses to express it as performance art. The tribe claps and approves with smiles and laughter. They like this quirky man with his own built-in sweater. However, a predator lurks in the trees and observes the scene in disgust. It's Lucifer (Russell Hantz) and he is not happy. Like a cheerleader jealous of another cheerleader, Lucifer seethes and blows smoke out of his nose. He doesn't like what he sees at all and decides then and there that Rooster is the dumbest player to ever walk the hallowed grounds of Survivor. You know what, Lucifer? You're a jealous little bitch with a huge insecurity problem and a desperate need to impress people. Will we ever see Ralph's emails on TMZ? Most certainly not, but we saw yours, traitor. You have hearby lost your right to gloat and strut with your peacock feathers in full bloom. More importantly, you've lost my respect.

So, while Lucifer is off trying to collect a harem of people he deems weak and susceptible to mind control - Stephanie and Krista - Rooster is out in the jungle searching for stones cuz, you know, that's what people in the hills of Virginie do. In addition to rocking on the front porch of a questionably structurally sound cabin with a shotgun in your lap, sometimes you just wanna go out and dig for rocks. Rocks can be used for all sorts of things you know. You can heat them up at night to keep your toes warm. You can hammer in a nail with them. You can throw them at people. You can use them to pound dough into submission. Stones are valuable to hill people. It's not like there's a Home Depot down the street or anything so it's perfectly normal for a man masquerading as a rooster to go out and shove the pockets of his overalls chock full o'stones. Only, wouldn't you know it? Underneath an ant covered rock collected by Rooster lies the highly sought after prize Lucifer would skin an innocent child for - the Immunity Idol. Rooster has it and Lucifer is out looking for it. You know, just when I think the world is out of balance and all these natural disasters are just a precursor to the Mayan Prohecy coming true, a beautiful and simple act of justice takes place that makes everything ok again. You can't help but smile to yourself and feel a heaviness lift from your chest when you witness a miracle like that.

Over at Omarion, another miracle is taking place - the miracle of love. Pretty Pony and Mascaroni (Andrea) are making goo-goo eyes at one another and basking in each other's blondeness. I'm calling Andrea "Mascaroni" because have you noticed how after 5 days she still has make-up on? Either she's not washing her face in the sea or that's the most powerful mascara ever in the history of mascara. I'm gonna take a guess that it's Christian Dior SHOW. Have you ever tried their waterproof mascara? Wash your eyes with a pumice stone and you're not getting that shit off. It's awesome! Anyhow, Pretty Pony is telling Mascaroni that he prayed to get put into the "right" alliance. Now, if some guy told me that I'd stifle my giggles and slowly get up and walk away. Not Andrea! She hugs her knees, smiles and invites him to her home in Wisconsin. Butterflies fluttered, a deer ran gaily in the distance and everywhere was happiness. Had this been animated, a squirrel or a chipmunk would have started to sing in that moment. Fairies would have carried a crown of flowers and placed it atop of Mascaroni's head. Hell, they would have put one on Pretty Pony's head too. I mean, come on, not even a fairy can ignore those blond tendrils. Had a dwarf strutted into the scene I wouldn't have been the least bit surprised. It was all very Disney.

And, what do you suppose every Disney movie needs? A villain - a killer of love if you will. Boston Rob is that killer. He sees Pretty Pony and Mascaroni giggling under their rainbow and he's not pleased. It's not that he's jealous like Lucifer was over at Zappa. Rob is more tactical than that. He looks upon the twosome as more than a love match. He looks at them as a "pair" in the game and he knows exactly how powerful a pair can be. He did it himself with his now wife and mother of his children Amber. A pair is a threat to his game so he begins to devise a plan to crush the burgeoning love affair into nothing more than a bloody pulp with a few blonde hairs sticking out of it. *shivers*

Rob puts his plan into action by deciding that Natalie might be a good person for him to team up and go to the end with. She's kind of weak, not too bright and a lot giggly. He'll literally have to carry her on his back to the end, but it might be a worthwhile sacrifice to make in the name of a million dollars. The Survivor Svengali thinks that maybe Phillip or Pretty Pony should be the next person to go home. The thought of losing either one makes me sad as I've grown to appreciate the absolute neverending wealth of material those two can give me.

Now we arrive at the big Immunity/Reward Challenge. The first order of business is for Ralph to give back the Immunity statue. He kisses it goodbye, hands it over to Dimples and says, "I'll get it back." Stephanie giggles and says, "See you tonight!" All this flagrant vocalizing of assured victory from Zappa is pumping up Phillip's inner animal. It's growling and clawing at his intestines just barking to get out. He shouts with his dry mouth, "I will outlast any man over there!" Dimples asks about the women. Phillip replies that he'll save them for another day. Then he stopped, dropped, rolled and started shooting (with his finger) at an invisible enemy in the trees. I think it was the Predator. I'm not sure. All I know is that in that moment I was confused and delighted all at the same time. I wrapped myself in the kerfluffle of emotions that Phillip ingnites in me like a warm blanket on a cold night. Lovely.

Alright so here's how it's gonna go down: Teams have to swim out to a platform, climb to the top, smash a tile and retrieve a key. Once you've retrieved all five keys, one person will use those keys to open a box and retrieve a ball. The remaining two tribe members will use that ball to break five tiles. The first tribe to break all the tiles wins Immunity. In addition, they win a basket full of fishing gear. As Zappa has one extra member, they decide to sit out David. Survivors ready, go!

Grant and Steve go flying into the water with Grant practically bumping into the wall on his dive. They both grab their keys and Ashley and Sarita take off next. Ashley smashes and grabs like a champ while Sarita struggles to keep her bikini bottom on and does the side stroke across the pool allowing Omarion to gain a nice lead. Pretty Pony has already reached the wall and is well on his way to smashing his tile before Julie even dives off her platform. Pretty Pony passes the baton to Mascaroni. She catches a glimpse of his glistening pecs coming out of the water and promptly belly flops into the pool. It's ok Mascaroni. Sparkly pony pecs will do that to a girl.

Both Julie and Mascaroni get their keys with Omarion keeping their one key lead. Next is Lucifer and Boston Rob battling it out like veterans do. They claw their way up the walls like spider monkeys with a mission. Mike is up last for Zappa while over at Omarion Rob has passed the final key on to Natalie. All she has to do now is unlock some locks. Girlfriend has no luck with those keys because Omarion catches up within seconds and now Stephanie is also working on her locks. Stephanie gets her box open before Natalie giving Ralph a one toss lead over Phillip. Phillip finally gets his ball and proceeds to throw it at the imaginary tiles in between the real tiles. Over and over again we should be hearing smashes, but instead we're hearing bounces. While over at Zappa, Rooster is a throwing and smashing machine! Smash! Smash! Smash! Meanwhile Phillip has fashioned a bunker out of twigs and leaves and is hiding behind it as he proceeds to shoot his balls into the woods at the Predator again. Eventually the Predator moves by the tiles and, out of sheer luck, Phillip begins to smash some and catch up to Rooster. Both "gentlemen" have four tiles smashed and now it's just a matter of will, strength and whether or not the Predator will choose to wander over to the last tile left. Alas, he does not and ZAPPA WINS IMMUNITY AND REWARD!!!

The Zappa tribe jumps up and down in celebration and out of the sad depressed cloud of Omarion emerges and blond tanned Christian. It's Pretty Pony and he wants to shake the hand of the winning team. *smacks forehead* Oy vey. Nail meet coffin. Boston Rob watches puzzled as a member of his own tribe is congratulating his mortal enemies. While Rob is trying to figure out what the hell just happened to his tribe, Lucifer is over on his tribe scurrying to gather up the reward basket before anyone else can get to it and the clue that's most likely waiting inside it. The clue to nothing... ahahaha!!!

OK so Zappa enters their camp and in the basket he's carrying, Lucifer can see the Immunity Idol clue coming out of one of the flippers - ooops I mean, fleeepers. So Lucifer pockets the clue thinking he's uber stealthy and whatnot when, in reality, Rooster has just witnessed the entire scene. Rooster does what any smart Rooster would - he tells the rest of his tribe that Lucifer took the daggum clue out of the daggum basket yet neglecting to tell them that he has already found the Idol himself. That's how it's done. Secret secret, keep that shit a secret! Meanwhile, Lucifer grabs his concubines, Stephanie and Krista, and is off to show them the Idol clue in privacy. Mike gets word of how Lucifer hid the clue in his pants and marches off to see why Lucifer is being so sneaky. Mike wants a chunk of that clue pie too!

Mike approaches the coven of misfits and the conversation is immediately changed from where the clue is to how much Sarita sucked in the challenge. That is, until Rooster approaches. Rooster goes right up to Lucifer and asks him where the clue is. Lucifer crosses his arms and tries to deny the clue's existence. Besides the fact that Rooster knows he's lying, Lucifer is just hands down a terrible liar. His inner urge to gloat will always get the best of him. That's what happened with the whole TMZ thing - he just wanted to brag. Pride. The one thing Lucifer will never conquer in his life is pride. I find myself saying this every season he's on and every season I'm right. He never learns and that's why he'll never win. It's as simple as that.

But this drama isn't over yet cowboys and cowgirls, this drama is just beginning. *claps hands* Lucifer knows he's in a tight spot so he's adjusts his tactic a little bit. Denial didn't work for him so next he tries to reason with Rooster. He says, "Calm down now. This is how the game is played." And then, like a broken record, we hear his trademark line, "You're either with me or against me." Ooooh we're really scared! I'm shakin' in my shoes now. *makes a 'W' with fingers* Whatever! Rooster says the clue belongs to everyone not just Lucifer. He says a bunch of other stuff too but it's real country. I mean, it's like craaazy country - can't understand a word of it. Rooster asks him again if he has the Idol and, again, Lucifer says no. Rooster says ok and goes in for a fist pump. Lucifer gives him the pump but then says, "I don't like how you comin' at me." And with that, the rivalry of my dreams is born. It's going to be a Lucifer/Rooster showdown and I don't know about you, but I'm Team Rooster. *takes out banjo and begins playing*

Let's take a little break and whisk ourselves off to Rhode Island, shall we? Francrumbcesca has just found her luxury item in a woven basket on the outskirts of town. I always wondered what happened to the luxury items of Survivor yesteryear. I guess we now know. They're put into a basket that looks like a snake would be charmed out of. Mystery solved. So, Franchillyesca's luxury item is a journal. Now she can jot down her innermost thoughts and perhaps even some Survivor poetry. Roses are red, Violets are blue, My name is Francesca, Fuuuck you. Franclubsodaesca seems happy in the little home she's made. She dreads the idea of having to share it with someone and doesn't mind being all alone on her little island. I think I'd be like that too. Like, you know when you watch those prison shows and the really bad people are in Ad-Seg (administrative segregation = solitary confinement)? To me, were I to ever end up in prison (for the crime of being too fabulous), that would be ideal. Why would I want to be mixed in with the general population where someone could totally punch me or pull my hair? No thank you! I'd much prefer a room of my own with my own bathroom and daily room service. That's how I'd roll in lock up. *beats on chest and flashes gang sign*

Back at Omarion, Phillip has found his imaginary podium and it's time once again for Pre-Tribal Council. This, of course, is when Phillip debriefs the troops and tries to weave a magical web of reverse psychology over the tribe. It's only day 5, but the tribe has come to expect this of Phillip. They figure they'll just indulge the poor guy and then he can go off and play with the Predator some more. It's much easier than making a fuss. I totally get it. I used to pick fights with anyone who said something stupid, but now I'm all grown up and it's like, "I'd rather just watch Gossip Girl, 'kay? I'm not in the mood to fight." I'm totally mature now, can't you tell? So Phillip says something about the tribe playing gallantry-ly and I immediately penned a letter to Oxford Dictionary requesting that "Gallantry-ly" is added to next year's edition. I'm pretty sure it will be. It's a classic.

Now, there's no question that Phillip is the reason Omarion lost the challenge, but there's also no question that Pretty Pony is playing a pretty decent social game so far. He's pretty, he's nice, he's likable, he's young - Rob might not be able to compete with that in the end and he knows it. He was willing to let it slide though - at least for a few more weeks. Pretty Pony fucked it all up though when he went and shook Zappa's hand. Let's ask ourselves why Pretty Pony did that. Was it really because it's a Christian thing to do or was it all for show and to get a little air time? My gut tells me that no guy who looks like that can be the good little Christian that he claims to be. He's the spitting image of Charlie Hunnam and if there's one thing Charlie is, it's a panty dropper. I have a sneaking suspicion that Pretty Pony is up to his elbows in poontang back at home and isn't that like the fifth commandment or something - Thou shalt not be up to your elbows in poontang? I went to Catholic school for 12 years. I'm sure I'm right about this one.

Meanwhile Kristina is taking no chances this time around. She's buffing her Immunity Idol 'til it shines and putting that bitch around her neck now. She has no choice but to play it and she seems like she's ok with it for the most part. She asks Phillip if he's worried and he says he's not. He's always wanted to go to Rhode Island - high crime rate, lots of dunes to hide behind. That's like Six Flags to a man like Phillip.

On the beach Rob is meeting with Grant and Ashley talking about the Pretty Pony problem. It's crazy that they're in this position so early in the game, but they that decide that Pretty Pony is a person that needs to be disposed of asap. As far as Pretty Pony and Mascaronie are concerned, Phillip is going home. As far as Phillip is concerned, he's supposed to wait for the cue at Tribal Council and then recieve for further instructions. *laughs* You have to admit that was kind of a genius move on Rob's part. Telling Phillip to wait for the secret message is just sooooo Phillip! It's perfect! Deal with crazy with some more crazy. If I was out there I'd be giving Phillip all sorts of secret missions to carry out when really I'd just be having him fill my canteen when I was too lazy to do it myself. I'd plant it in his head that maybe the government got him on Survivor. Can you imagine? Oh my god, that would be so much fun!

And now we arrive at Tribal Council. It starts out innocent enough. Kristina talks about the Idol a little and then Dimples turns his attention to Phillip. He asks Phillip about the animal within him and we are treated to a guided tour of Phillip's body. It turns out Phillip wasn't lying when he said he had an animal inside him. In fact, he has two! The gorilla and the lion. Someone get Aesop on the horn. The gorilla is scrappy and would be beaten up by other gorillas if he performed as poorly as Phillip did. But the lion is the king of jungle and eats Christians for sport. There's a story there somewhere. I'm not sure what it is, but I think at the end Jason Bourne swims away and Julia Stiles is happy about it. All I know is Dimples, as well as myself, is enchanted by Phillip. Time to vote...

If anyone would like to play the hidden... "I'm playing it Jeff! I'm playing it!" Man, did a lot of people on Twitter get pissed that Kristina interrupted Dimples last night. LOL I didn't see it that way though. I saw it like that thing was burning her neck itching to get off and bitch didn't want to waste one more second with her safety in jeopardy. I thought it was funny. The Immunity Idol literally hurled itself off of her chest and into Dimples' hands. Love it!

Unfortunately, we have to say goodbye to love now as Pretty Pony is the 2nd person voted out of Survivor: Redemption Island. I don't think this will be last we see of Pretty Pony though. Clearly, he'll kick Franconquistadora's ass in the duel and who knows? Maybe he'll just keep winning. What do you guys think? How did you feel about last night's elimination? Are you Team Lucifer or Team Ralph? Has your opinion of Phillip changed? Will Matt being voted out unleash Andrea's inner Banshee? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

I'm also back blogging The Amazing Race again so please check out the Bitchy Amazing Race Blog if you're interested. CBS is reairing the premiere episode - which was actually pretty good - again on Saturday at 8 pm.