Thursday, March 3, 2011

I'm Dealing With A Bunch Of Bitches!

Occasionally, things, random things, will suddenly fall from the sky. Drops of water, bolts of electricity, balls of ice, meteors, bodies (like in Con Air) and, lastly, devils. Yes, my dear readers, devils, flailing this way and that with their enormous bellies pointing downward, will occasionally plunge through the heavens and land with a mighty "Splat!" on your neighborhood sidewalk. One such devil was called Lucifer. The story goes that God created some angels - one of which was named Lucifer - and said in no uncertain terms, "Worship only me you fuckfaces." Lucifer was cool with this. He loved God and was only too happy to serve Him. Then one day, God went out and created these things called humans. He was so excited with His new invention that He demanded His angels bow before them in reverence. Well, Lucifer was all like, "Fuck that shit. I'm not bowing before those bitches!" and in one flick of His wrist, God flung that smart-mouthed Lucifer right out of Heaven and into the bowels of Hell where he was to live for eternity without God's love. What, you may ask, does this have to do with Survivor? Well, let's recap, shall we?

We continue our tale in the remotest part of the world, Rhode Island (Redemption Island). Franchupacabra is fast asleep in her tiny hut when out of nowhere a Pretty Pony (Matt) approaches. The sparkle in his eye is gone, his hair isn't as shiny as it used to be and a big sad frown adorns his pretty chiseled face. In a matter of minutes, everything he ever believed in - goodness, happiness, honesty, faith - has been ripped out from underneath him and all that's left now is an empty shell of a man wondering what the hell to do next. Francrisisinegypt is just as stunned as the Pretty Pony is. She was absolutely certain Phillip would be the one joining her in her humble abode. Little does she know that Phillip has proven himself to not only be a faithful warrior, but one hell of a security system for everyone back at Omarion (Ometepe). Just yesterday he saved the entire tribe from a dangerous infiltration of tiny crab people. Although delicious in dips, they're very dangerous in your pants. Sorry Pretty Pony, but the tribe needs Phillip. Who knows what sort of security threat can attack next? It could be anyone from Stormtroopers to Heathers. Just knowing that Phillip is patrolling the perimeter instead of sitting useless on Rhode Island makes everyone back at camp sleep a little sounder tonight.

Speaking of back at camp, Boston Rob is in one hell of a celebratory mood over at Omarion. He orchestrated the blindside of Pretty Pony, got Kristina to play her Immunity Idol and has a crackerjack new soldier by his side. In a short ceremony on the southside of camp, Rob quickly bestows both the Academy Award and the Congressional Medal of Honor on Phillip before anyone else is the wiser. Bursting with giddiness and pride for serving his country so diligently Phillip is excited and looks around camp for a way to express himself. Looking spiffy in his Naval Whites, Phillip decides to call the flight tower to request a flyby. "That's a negative Ghost Rider. The pattern is full.", they respond. With a wink and smile, Phillip ignores HQ and spreads his wings like the happy birdie he is. He'll buzz the tower anyways gosh darnit. Whatever Viper has to say to him tomorrow will be worth it. But tonight... tonight, Phillip's got the need for speed!

The sun rises on a new morning and brings with it... a duel. Back in the olden timey days, duels were fought to restore one's honor. Sometimes they used swords, other times pistols, and occasionally, out of pure laziness, men would simply slap each other in the face with a pair of gloves. This being Survivor and not an Oscar Wilde book I expect lions, nets, chains with big spiky balls on the end of them and maybe a bag of rabid rats thrown in for good measure. All I know is I want blood spilled, hair pulled and eyeballs rolling in the sand. Before we get to all that though, the tribes are informed that they are allowed to send two representatives each to witness the duel. To keep it all fair and square, the castaways choose colored stones out of a bag. David and Steve will go for Zappa (Zapatera) with Mascaroni (Andrea) and Ashley going for Omarion.

After a long and arduous trek through the jungle, the visitors arrive at the Nicaraguan ludus and prepare to watch a vicious battle of wits where only one will triumph. With Dimples serving as the lanista, the condemned gladiators are brought in and paraded solemnly before the crowd of four. Francheerios enters adjusting her codpiece while Pretty Pony trotted in with his golden locks bouncing in a fetchingly jaunty ponytail. "Welcome to Redemption Island Arena", Dimples says. Mascaroni cocks her head to the side, smiles and throws a lacy handkerchief to Pretty Pony for good luck. Her only concern right now is making sure that Pretty Pony knows beyond a shadow of doubt that she did not betray him. With a nod and a heart melting grin, Pretty Pony winks to Mascaroni and now, in 9 short months, Mascaroni will give birth to a pony. That's how Pretty Pony works. Wink, bam, pregnant!

Ok so here's how the big "duel" will work. A demented prospecter who thinks you're out to steal his gold will lock you into a jail cell, steal your car and leave you in a ghost town where you will inevitably die of dehydration. It's up to you and your family to tie all your socks together and retrieve a key on the other side of the jail. Once you get the key, you can escape and continue on your way to the Grand Canyon. Survivors ready, go! Alright so maybe that's not exactly how this duel is about to go down, but it's pretty darn close. In reality, the outcasts have to fashion a big stick together to retrieve 3 keys. Once they have their three keys, they must unlock the locks on their door and step through to victory. Survivors ready, go!

Pretty Pony and Franchessquadraticformula begin to tie together some sticks with twine. Pretty Pony must have been using nautical knots or something because it took him forever to get his stick together. Meanwhile, Fransacagawea simply tied some floss, rubbed some spit in between the two sticks and went hunting for keys. She manages to get her first key while Pretty Pony's stick falls apart the second he picks it up. More spit Pretty Pony, more spit! By this time Franchiaroscuro has key number 2 and this duel looks like it's over before it even started. Pretty Pony's nautical little bow ties wouldn't hold together two sewing needles as his stick falls apart yet again. Francharliesheenwinning stretches her arm through the gate and attempts to retrieve her third and final key. Her stick makes contact and in some sort of divine intervention, it cracks in half. Pretty Pony is back in the game!

Pretty Pony's stick is all crooked and wiggedy whack but it was made with love so, of course, it works and he catches up by nabbing two keys back to back. We're now tied and Francheckyourselfbeforeyouwreckyourself is once again reaching for her third and final key. Pretty Pony is stretching with all his might, Franchipotle is grimacing with determination... those keys are only centimeters away! I covered my face with my hands and peered through trembling fingers as Pretty Pony captures his third key, unlocks his locks and canters through his door to victory. PRETTY PONY STAYS ALIVE!!!!

*sigh* Was it good for you? I wasn't really a Franchoppingbroccoli fan, but I will miss coming up with crazy names for her. Stick your buff in the fire bitch. Later!

So the big duel is done and now the visitors must return to their respective camps. Ashley and Mascaroni walk back into Omarion where everyone is very eager to know what went down and how Pretty Pony is doing. Ashley tells her tribe how Pretty Pony was seething with anger and drooling with hate ranting about he's dying to get back and seek his revenge. Now, I don't know what duel Ashley was at, but I was at the one where the only thing Pretty Pony was mad about was not having his hair product with him. Nonetheless, Ashley's words have an impact on Rob as now he has the additional worry of Pretty Pony returning and releasing his wrath of rainbows on everyone. In an effort to do some damage control, he apologizes to Mascaroni for ousting her lover and assures her (through a kaleidoscope of lies) that Kristina and Phillip will be voted out way before she ever is. Mascaroni does what any scorned lover would do - she cries a little at first and then she gets right to work plotting how to Lorena Bobbit one Mr. Rob Mariano. Duh! It's what any girl would do if put in the same position. That, and boil his bunny.

Over at Zappa, Steve and Dave are weaving a tale of magical lies about how Fransusquehanna won the duel instead of Pretty Pony. You see, they want to trick Lucifer (Russell) and then when he's finally sent to Rhode Island - kaboom! He'll be met with that big scary Pretty Pony and he'll be so flustered and shocked that he'll lose his duel and go home. While I appreciate the innovative thinking and the slight of hand trickery, I think it's going to take a lot more to fluster Lucifer than a strapping young buck with perfect teeth.

Speaking of Lucifer, he knows he's in a bit of a bind right now. The chips are stacked against him as he is in a mere of alliance of 3 rather than that other big alliance of 6. There is, however, one thing that can save him and that one thing is the Hidden Immunity Idol. He rereads the clue which says the Idol is located near something dead and something alive. Lucifer takes one look around and realizes that every daggum thing out there is alive - the running water, the trees, the bugs, those annoying bitches on his tribe, the man holding the camera. After searching under every leaf and beneath every grain of sand, Lucifer comes to the conclusion that the Idol just isn't there. Stephanie, one of Lucifer's concubines, decides that they should make a fake Idol and lead everyone to believe that she's protecting it in her big ugly bag. Steve glances at the bag and makes a few jokes, but that's about it. The big fake Immunity Idol plan just kind of fizzled before it even began. If anything, the plan backfires and makes Steve want to get Lucifer out all the more.

So while the fake Idol is accomplishing absolutely nothing, a little ray of sunshine burst into my life in the form of bacteria filled pustules growing underneath Lucifer's arms. Little pollops of evil if you will. Skin tags of Satan. Blemishes for Beelzebub. Pan's Pimples. Zarathustra's Zits. The Antichrist's Acne! I don't know what Lucifer was thinking, but shaving an area you've never shaved right before entering a hot and sweaty bacterial filled cesspool of a jungle is never a good idea. Knowing the extreme discomfort and pain Lucifer must have been going through, I sat at home in my king sized bed and laughed and laughed. I dipped some gummi bears in gin, wrapped my Snuggie around me and waved some Lubriderm in front of the television just to taunt him. Ahahaha! Dumbass.

Apparently, Lucifer's diseased pits are so painful that he's unable to do any work around camp yet somehow he was able to search high and low for the Immunity Idol. Whatever! Steve, Mike, and Rooster (Ralph) are unthrilled that Lucifer isn't pulling his weight around camp so they decide that this just might be their chance to boot his ass right out of the game. They decide that they'll throw the next Immunity Challenge. Now, a lot of people out there think that this is a really bad idea. They think it's not strategic and that it fucks with numbers when you get to the Merge yadda yadda yadda. I am not one of those people. If it was any person other than Lucifer, I might agree with this logic. Let's be honest here, it's not like Lucifer would be loyal to his own tribe at Merge time anyways. Gimme a break! He'd hunt out the anti-Rob people over on Omarion and put together his own brand new collection of concubines. He's the type of player that's a threat to everyone. He messes with your head, he sabotages your shit and he'll keep trying to steal Idol clues from you - best get rid of him now and just be done with it. If I was on that tribe, I'd want him gone asap because he'd be a threat to my game. Look out for number one I always say and this number one thinks kicking him to the curb is the best thing a tribe can do. Lucifer was never a member of the Zappa tribe anyways. He's a member of the Lucifer tribe. Don't get it twisted.

The men, pleased with their new plan, go and share their ideas with the others. David isn't exactly thrilled with the notion of throwing anything, but kicking Lucifer while he's down and fighting an armpit disease is probably the best time to send him to Rhode Island. Psychologically, he's a tad weaker than usual so why not take advantage of that? I'm with you David. I like it. Julie, on the other hand, isn't so sure. She's torn and thinks she can deal with Lucifer on her own. Honey, Lucifer will take you out of this game so fast you won't know what hit you. Have you not watched past seasons? You look at the guy wrong or breathe in a way he doesn't like and he'll come for you, your kids, your puppies and your rose garden. He's too unpredictable. Besides, he hogs all the air time. Get rid of him!

And now we arrive at the big Immunity Challenge and it's the medieveal Wheel Of Water Torture! I love this challenge and you know Phillip loves it. Water boarding - been there, done that. OK so three members of each tribe will be strapped to a wheel. Three other members will spin the wheel. As the wheel turns, the first three will go underwater where they will gulp water and try to spit it into a tube releasing a ball. Once the ball is released, another person will solve a slide puzzle. First tribe to get their ball through the completed puzzle wins Immunity and a Reward of luxury comfort items including pillows, tarps, blankets and chairs. I wondered in that moment if the Reward was added by producers in an effort to get Zappa not to throw the competition. I guess we'll never know. As Zappa has two extra people they choose to sit out Rooster and Sarita. Survivors ready, go!

On the wheel for Omarion is Natalie, Mascaroni and Kristina. On the wheel for Zappa is Stephanie, Krista and Julie. Julie has been instructed to miss her spits and she dutifully does as she's told. Steve begins to move the wheel with his pinky finger as Mike yawns and curls up for a nap. The sabotage is under way and it couldn't be any more obvious. Omarion releases their ball first and Rob gets to work on his puzzle. Eventually, Zappa's ball is released and now it's all up to David to lose. At first he does a good job. He's moving parts. His hands are flying. And then, he just stops and stands there. Had a nail file been in his pocket he would have taken it out and given himself a manicure. The fake trying thing was pretty bad and naturally, OMARION WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Now, I may not like Lucifer anymore and I think it's despicable what he did when he leaked those spoilers, but he's a smart guy. He's not stupid. He knew immediately that his tribe threw that challenge. Christ, my 3 year old niece would know the tribe threw that challenge. Aliens watching from outer space not knowing what the hell was going on in Nicaragua looked at each other and mumbled, "Oh yeah, they totally threw it."

Back at Omarion, Rob should be happy with his win, but he's not. He's preoccupied - as is everyone else - with finding the clue for the Immunity Idol. In the past he always ignored the Idols and chose to play the game on strategy alone, but he's now come to realize that the Hidden Immunity Idol is a necessary evil that has to be accepted. He searches everywhere - inside chairs, underneath blankets, in the folds of the tarp - and comes up emptyhanded. Just when he's about to give up he notices a sleeping giant out of the corner of his eye. There under the shade of a giant ficus lies Phillip catching some zzzz's. And, why wouldn't he be sleeping? He spent all last night with a "rifle" (see: really big branch) over his shoulder pacing up and down the outside of the shelter. He fought off liger's, Robin Hood and his merry band of ne'er-do-well's, Adam Ant and Ms. Pac Man. It was a rough night for Mr. Sheppard and no one deserves a nap more than he does. So, there he lay with his legs spread out and visions of sugarplums dancing in his head. The problem is the chair he's laying in is the one chair Rob has yet to search for the clue. With a gentle kick to Phillip's shin, Rob wakes the snoozing beast and tells him he's not sitting on the chair correctly. A half asleep Phillip wanders off to find another chair that's just as cozy and zzzzzzz. Shhhh, he's sleeping again.

With Phillip off to the land of Nod dancing with Mr. Sandman, Rob finally has the privacy and quiet he needs to properly search the chair for the clue. It takes about 2 seconds as the clue was right there underneath where Phillip's ass just was. I'm ok with Rob finding the clue and all, but now I'm a little worried about homeland security. If a former federal agent can fall asleep with a Hidden Immunity Idol clue wedged up his ass, there's no telling who's watching our borders and protecting our ports.

Meanwhile back at Zappa, the alliance of 6 is busy coming up with a way to get rid of Lucifer once and for all. Mike suggests they split the votes just in case someone has the Immunity Idol. They'll do 3 for Lucifer and 3 for Stephanie. That's all fine and good, but Lucifer is one step ahead as he predicts that splitting the votes is exactly what the group of 6 will do. In anticipation of this tactic, Lucifer and his women decide that they have to get someone to flip over to their side. Their target is the "old lady", Julie. Stephanie approaches Julie and she's more than open to the option. In fact, she likes the idea of having Lucifer carry her to the end. Like Stephanie, she's impressed with his resume and thinks he's a valuable asset. It makes sense to her to use Lucifer and then somehow, down the road, on her own merits, get rid of him. Yeah right! Not gonna happen chickie.

And with that we arrive at Tribal Council. Right out of the gate Rooster says "there'n two parts o' the gayme". Dimples and myself scratched our heads as we looked around the room for a translation. After having the cryptology team from Survivor HQ take a look at the playback, it's discovered that Rooster has said that there is a division in his tribe. Sarita agrees with the assessment of a tribe division and blames it on Lucifer and his legacy. She also cites his grandiose speech of lies as creating a huge "fissure" in the tribe. I'm not really a Sarita fan, but I love that she has one of those SAT books stuffed down her bikini bottoms at all times. Do you remember in her bio when she described herself as "sagacious"? It's very Camille Grammer. Very pernicious. I'm a little bit jealous.

Talk, talk, talk, boring, boring, boring. Oh here we go. Stephanie, the poster girl for sycophants everywhere, gives a speech and it's pretty funny. It went something like this, "This is Russell! I mean, it's Russell. THE Russell. You're all going to backstab each other. I'm still talking. Thank you. My mouth is still moving. I realize Russell's stubby dick is in it, but it's still moving thank you very much." Then she clapped her hands a lot and Burnett got his money shot. I don't know. It was weird. With the way Lucifer was smiling to himself the whole time it was more like master and pet instead of compatriots playing a game together. Kinda gross if you ask me.

Actually, I was more interested when Rooster commented and said, "They nuff kin ge' no feesh catch nee' piece a'brang in". To that I say, "Chicka, chicka, chickabee. T'ee an me an t'ee an me. Ressa, ressa, ressa me. Chicka, chicka, chickabee." T'ee in the way Rooster, T'ee in the way. And with that, we vote and get a three way tie between Lucifer, Stephanie and Rooster. Then it was time to vote again and it is with great pleasure that I announce that Lucifer is the third person voted out of Survivor: Redemption Island.

Personally, I'm thrilled. I'm fried on all things Lucifer at this point. At the same time, I'm a realist and if I know Burnett like I think I do, I know that he'll do anything in his power to bring that trollish little maggot back into this game. I could be wrong though. Maybe Pretty Pony will unleash a whole can of rainbows of Lucifer's ass and the he'll drown in all the pretty colors. I don't know. What do you guys think? Are you glad Lucifer is gone? Do you think he'll come back? Should Liam Neeson be studying Ralph from a houseboat a safe distance away? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!