Thursday, March 24, 2011

Stealth-R-Us


Jesus. That's not an exclamation. That's not a sigh. That's not a gasp. Today, Jesus is a person who blesses the game of Survivor with lovely golden locks and sparkly glittery skins. Give a man a ponytail and he'll have a ponytail. Give a man a ponytail holder and he'll have ponytails for LIFE! You see, Jesus likes to sit up in heaven and watch Survivor just like the rest of us. He sassily tweets to Dimples, makes off color jokes about Phillip, puts some hardcore blessings on his besties and then after a few chocotinis he calls it a night and shows up in a waffle the next morning. He's a busy dude, but not too busy for Survivor and aren't we all thankful for that? I can't remember a season of Survivor that was so, you know, divine. It's divine for many reasons this time around. It's divine because there's a crazy psycho ward escapee cavorting on the island. It's divine because for some reason mascara is now like an Everlasting Gobstopper - it lasts forever! It's divine because stupid useless pageant girls are made to look even more stupid and more useless. Finally, it's divine because the ponies can run free and never die. I'd like to visit a place like that one day. A pony place. A heaven place. A happy place. Let's recap, shall we?




We continue our tale of Redemption on Rhode Island (Redemption Island). It's night and the tarantulas are tipoeing gracefully over the branches. The snakes slither slying in the slinky trees (yay alliteration!) and a lone precious angel sleeps. He's surrounded by all of these deadly poisonous creatures yet none touch him. He's like that baby Wyatt from Charmed. He has an invisible forcefield around him that protects him from all sorts of evil... bugs, reptiles, bacteria, sad faces, evil thoughts, uneven tans, Satan. His hair cascades just so and you know he's dreaming about butterflies and charity work or some shit like that. Then, in walks a stupid girl we really didn't get to know. Her name is Krista, but her last name is Klumpp so I'll call her Klumppy. So, in walks Klumppy and she's all like, "Matt, it's Krista. Are you dry under there?" Oh shut up you dumb whore. Of course he's dry under there. He never gets wet unless he's bathing under a waterfall with only deer and rabbits looking on. How do you not know this? So Klumppy crawls into bed with Pretty Pony (Matt) and immediately the conversation turns to prayer. I would have rolled my eyes in that moment, but I kind of get it. Pretty Pony is just so.... good. You get in his presence and you want to be nice and stuff. The guy follows me on Twitter and I swear to god I'm scared to curse in front of him now. I feel like I'll destroy his whole vision of good and evil and turn him into a gin drinking, junk grabbing, leather pants wearing, motorcycle riding bad boy. (Note to self: say "fuck" a lot today on Twitter). Ok so anyways he tells Klumppy that he feels like God put him on Survivor and were he not glowing from the inside, I might have disagreed with him. Klumppy nods in agreement and then threatens him by saying, "Just so you know, I'm going to give you a run for your money." Bitch please. You were one of Lucifer's (Russell's) handmaidens. Do you really think you can switch back and forth between good and evil whenever it fancies you and not piss off Jesus? I think not.




The next day begans at Zappa (Zapatera) and there is one angry former NFL player with his panties in a twist. His name is Steve, but I call him The Cuddler. He likes to randomly rub people and whenever I see him I always feel like he should be clutching a teddy bear. You see, The Cuddler got two votes at the last Tribal Council and all of his little inner feelings are hurt now. It's literally eating him up inside so he sits with his knee jittering uncontrollably and his eyes all big and asks Stephanie, "Why did you vote for me last night?" Stephanie tells him that it wasn't personal. She just wants the tribe to be strongest team it can be. Considering the course of action she'll employ later in the episode, she's not too bright with her honesty in this scene. She should have blamed it on Klumppy and let that be that. Instead she tells The Cuddler that he's not digging deep enough and maybe his strength just isn't there to give. Why not just tell him he looks like he needs a parasol and a petticoat? Survivor is about knowing how to manipulate people. I know a lot of you really hate Rob, but he's a master at manipulating people. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and tell someone exactly what they want to hear rather than what you want to say. You never know when a person will hold onto your honesty and use it against you later. You have to sacrifice self satisfaction sometimes and think of the bigger picture. It's a very delicate art called the Art Of Being Silent. Only the savviest of players can pull it off and Stephanie is just not one of them right now. Don't get me wrong, she has potential, but she's still a teenager. Teenagers spew verbal diarrhea all the time because they just don't know any better.

Speaking of diarrhea, let's check in on what's happening over at Omarion (Ometepe). It turns out that Natalie and Assley (Ashley) like to have spa days. Now, when I envision what a spa day on Surivor might look like, I'm thinking maybe a mud mask from the Nicaraguan clay. Perhaps exfoliating my tootsies in the sand. Maybe bathing in the ocean or something. The last thing I ever imagined was two girls plucking each other's armpit hair. First off, it's fucking disgusting. Secondly, did you see the ingrown hairs and little pustules that were forming?!? *wretches* Ugh! That plucking bullshit they're doing is only making their skin red and bumpy and gross. Plucking hairs out with a crab claw isn't exactly the most sanitary way to get rid of a little peach fuzz. If I ever decided to go on Survivor and I made it to the finals in casting, the first thing I'd do is make a hair laser removal appointment and stock up on birth control pills. No one wants to have their period in the jungle, right? There is no way in hell you'd catch me ON CAMERA with another girl's head in my armpit plucking out hairs with a giant pair of scissors. AND, you'd never catch me giggling about it thinking it's so cute that I'm such a girl and useless while the rest of my tribe works. Assley is the worst. Worst! Natalie's kind of a dumb mute that just follows whatever other people say so I don't really hold her too responsible for anything. Assley, on the other hand, knows exactly what she's doing. She's worked hard all of her life. She was in pageants.

OK let's break that down shall we? Assley says she worked hard all of her life. Naturally, I assume she was raised in the 1930's and put to work in a sweltering factory at the age of 5 assembling jet engines or something like that. Or maybe she's from the inner city and had to work after school at a fast food chain to help her parents pay the rent. Let me check her Wikipedia page as I don't want to get any of these facts wrong. Huh. She played basketball. She played lots and lots of basketball. How is she not lying crippled in some bed somewhere screaming in pain from debilitating shin splints? How, oh how, does 26 year old Assley manage to get up in the morning after such a hard life of bouncing balls and running up and down a court? *weeps* It's just so tragic the life she's lead. I can't handle it. Tissue please. Alright, now let's address the second thing she said, "I've been in pageants all my life." *clutches pearls* Say it isn't so! Pageants?!? Oh you poor poor girl. Again, how do you manage to greet the day with a smile? Were your dresses not fluffy enough? Did hairspray get into your eyes? No, don't tell me. I won't be able to stomach it. Instead, I'd like to start a charity fund for you Assley. Your terribley wretched hard working life up in Maine was just so dreadful. I must do my part to prevent little girls from growing up into gigantic ridiculous assholes like you. Like, is this bitch serious? She's worked hard all of her life playing basketball and wearing a sash so now that she's on Survivor she'd just rather pluck another girl's bikini area and catch some rays. *stabs self in the eye with a fireplace poker*


So while the two bubble heads are picking nits out of each other's hair, Rob is making an extendable day bed with movable parts, Mascaroni (Andrea) is installing a heating and air conditioning system and Phillip is on fire patrol. Fire patrol is the most important job a man can have at camp. He has to pace back and forth, back and forth, up and down the beach looking for any sign of wind or rain. When a breeze finally does blow he runs back to the fire and protects it with his giant frame. As an additional measure he shouts loudly, "Be gone with thee, breeze!" and then he beats on his chest and growls like a lion. The word "awesome" to describe the entire ritual is an understatement. "Breathtaking" seems more accurate. So when Phillip sees Assley braiding her own hair with that lump of skin Natalie lying next to her, he's not very happy about it. In fact, he's downright angry. After using his crayons and creating a chore wheel he asks his tribe to please help him check the fire every 25 minutes. Mascaroni is happy to help. She's almost finished laying the linoleum in the kitchen so she can definitely squeeze in some fire checking time. Meanwhile, Assley lazily picked a piece of sand out of her navel, Natalie got tangled up in her own hair and then they both muttered, "Sure Phillip." Federal Agent Phillip stomped off in anger because as a human lie detector he knows they're lying to him. They have no intention of checking the fire or obeying the chore wheel. They treat him like he's their red-headed stepchild instead of the crackerjack cub scout he really is. How dare they!


Back at Rhode Island the scene is just a tad more peaceful. Klumppy has just received her hot pink bible luxury item and the Pretty Pony is genuinely happy for her. He's found a kindred spirit in Klumppy. He likes to pray. She likes to pray. He likes to run his fingers through his long blonde hair. She likes to run her fingers through her long blonde hair. He likes to canter in an open meadow with his sparkly blue eyes. She likes to... well, ok maybe the similarities end there. Pretty Pony has a problem though. He's starting to like Klumppy. You see, he's been struggling to find a "faith community" on Rhode Island that's as nuts about Jesus as he is and then here comes Klumppy wearing her Jesus hat and it's all like... chemistry! So much chemistry in fact that Pretty Pony doesn't know how he'll compete against her in the duel. *plucks out pancreas with a rusty spoon* What?! Now, you listen to me Pretty Pony. You can like Jesus all you want, but I expect you to kick this girl's ass! Grab her by her hair, kick her in the stomach and, for crying out loud, don't share your rice with her! Jesus won't be mad at you I promise. Just go to Confession later and you're cool. That's how it works. I went to Catholic school for 12 years. I know these things.




So now it's duel time and I'm really really nervous. Klumppy is a stupid bore and Pretty Pony is a hot piece of ass. If he lets her win, I'll have to punch him in the face and I don't think I want to do that. The amount of lightning bolts that would strike me down would be too numerous to count. OK so the duel is getting ready to start and in walks Mascaroni and Natalie for Omarion and Julie and Mike for Zappa. As soon as I saw Mascaroni skipping in with her little shirt all tied up and her hair all done, I knew this was going to be one scandalous duel. Dimples brings in Pretty Pony and Klumppy and here's how it gonna go down: The outcasts have to use a grappling hook to retrieve three bags. Each bag has a ball inside of it and using one of the balls, players have to navigate through a table maze. First person to finish lives to see another day. Survivors ready, go.


Pretty Pony makes his first toss and misses. Klumppy makes a toss and gets her bag. P.P. makes another toss and finally gets his first bag. Mascaroni blew him kisses from the stands. Klumppy makes her second toss and gets her second bag. Mascaroni started throwing seashells at Klumppy's head. Pretty Pony makes another toss and gets his second bag. Mascaroni flashes him her boobs. Then Klumppy got her third bag and I covered my face with my hands as the Pony made his third throw. Thankfully, he gets his bag, but that stupid Klumppy is already working on her table maze. Pretty Pony is just standing there, like he's got all the time in the world, fiddling around with his ball bags (LOL "ball bags"). I started hurling crucifixes and communion wafers at the screen as I shouted, "Find your balls Bitch!"


Finally, Pretty Pony gets his ball and now he's working on his table maze. The table maze is constructed in such a way that the ball can fall through the holes at any moment. If it falls, then you have to start over so naturally I gathered up some toad stool, eye of newt, a couple cardemom pods and I put a hex on Klumppy's maze. Normally, I reserve my potion making for Big Brother, but Pretty Pony needed my help and I was pretty sure Jesus was napping at the time because there's no way in hell He'd let Pretty Pony fall so far behind. After I danced around a bonfire for a little while the Pony caught up, Klumppy's ball fell through a hole and PRETTY PONY STAYS ALIVE!!!





I whipped off my shirt, Mascaroni whipped off her shirt (she twirled hers above her head though - what a whore) and we both danced in celebration. I quickly made an appointment for Confession the next day - for the spell casting you know - and then I pointed and laughed as Klumppy cried. Everything is going swimmingly on Rhode Island and I really think that Pretty Pony will be back in the game in no time. Then, without any warning, Klumppy reaches into her bag, gives her pink bible to Pretty Pony and *gasp* they embrace. I held my breath and took one look at Mascaroni. Oh shit. Her head was spinning around and tiny little daggers began shooting out of her eyes. Some hit trees, one hit Julie I think, another one whizzed by Klumppy's head and Dimples ended up taking one to the eye. What's the name of that Icelandic volcano that erupted last year? It was called something like Eyjamascaroniissomescaryshitkull, right? I'm pretty sure it halted air traffic and killed ponies. Well, whatever it was called, it's back! Mascaroni put her shirt back on, scratched out the "I LOVE MATT" tattoo she had on her thigh and then, using a sharpened piece of coconut shell, tattooed "DEATH TO PONIES" on her forearm. *bites fist* She's so over Matt now. He hugged another girl and now he must pay.

Over at Zappa the scene is just as miserable. Sarita has a toothache and according to her dental expertise she cleaned her tooth too hard, bacteria leaped inside and now it's all icky. Julie calls her a bullshit drama queen and that made me laugh. Rooster (Ralph) has another opinion altogether. He says, "Sarita tryin' ta be'n a too fin girl o'heah in da game. Like cleanin' her teeth wit a ole dirty steeyick an' gouged 'er gum. Out here'n everythin's nasty an' stickin' stuff like that in 'er mouth. Ah mean who'n da god's name be worryin' bout yer back teeth?" Translated, it means: Dumb bitch stuck a dirty stick in her mouth. Lawyer David is sick of Sarita too. In fact, he'll kill himself if he has to stay in the game with her any longer. Rather then plan his own suicide, he devises a scheme in which Stephanie can unseed Sarita and take her place in the alliance of six. He tells Stephanie that she needs to talk to everyone individually and start pleading her case. Stephanie sighs and agrees. The only problem is she really doesn't know how to suck up to people she hates. Como what? What girl doesn't know how to fake being nice to people to get what she wants? I think we're born with that implanted in our brains - especially Stephanie! She said in her bio video that she knows exactly how to get her way. Either she's a total liar, talking out of her ass or not thinking before she speaks. I vote all three.

Back at Omarion a large black man goes running up the beach. Phillip has spotted a cloud in the sky and now the tribe must hunker down and make the necessary preparations. He's going to need help maintaining that fire from the oncoming monsoon. Everyone gather wood! Run, run, run! Natalie sucked her teeth, Assley rolled over and Mascaroni continued to work on her pony spears. It turns out Assley is mad that Phillip didn't ask her to gather wood. He told her. What are you, five? God, I hate you so much. What's the big deal with getting off your ass and gathering some wood? I mean, seriously, what else are you doing right now? You know, if you made yourself useful in the first place, Phillip would have no reason to pester you. Rub those two brain cells in your head together and use them to preempt Phillip. It's really not that hard. He's a mental midget, an emotional child. Haven't you ever babysat before? Why do I feel like I always have to remind this girl that she's on a reality show playing for a million dollars?


Rob, on the other hand, is fine with Assley and Natalie being useless. It makes it that much easier to vote them off and take the money from them if they sit on their asses all day. Phillip is slightly more hot-headed than Boston Rob is. He wants certificates for his work. He wants a 21-gun salute and his name etched in stone on a memorial somewhere every time he adds a twig to the wood pile. Since he's not getting the recognition he feels he deserves, Phillip has declared tomorrow will be his "Fire Free Day". I think it's kind of Flag Day. You know it's there on the calendar somewhere, but you don't really celebrate it or anything. After declaring his holiday he announces that he's ok with Mascarpone, Macaroni, Maraschino. Whatever her name is, he likes her. Then he told Assley and Natalie he didn't like being their "red stepchild". Assley laughed and walked away and then Phillip chased her. While I thought it was all pretty funny, Rob worried that this could become a huge problem for his tribe. He pulled Phillip aside, gave him a speech about team unity, handed him a lollipop and then everyone calmed down.

Over at Zappa, Stephanie has finally decided to apologize to The Cuddler. He appreciates what she's saying, but deep down he's wondering what she's up to. She tells Steve that it was really Sarita's name she wanted to write down at the last tribal council, not his. While that's all fine and good, she should have said that earlier - before she told him he was weak and ineffectual and should be wearing a bonnet. Steve agrees that Stephanie is stronger than Sarita and Stephanie becomes very excited just waiting for her chance to prove how much Sarita sucks in challenges.


And now we arrive at the big Immunity Challenge. Before it even begins, Phillip threatens to release his gorilla and his lion on everyone. The Cuddler responded by smacking his forearm and I just kind of scratched my head wondering what that meant. It wasn't like the above photo. It was just a smack. Dimples' jaw dropped so I'm sure it was important, but I just didn't get it. I don't speak Dude. Anyhow, for today's challenge two members of each tribe will be responisble for launching balls (this sure is a ball heavy episode, isn't it?) out onto the beach where the remaining tribe members will catch the balls with their funky lacrosse type net things. It doesn't matter which color ball they catch. If they catch a ball, they score one point for their tribe. In addition, they'll be playing for some picnic trip. First tribe to five wins. Dimples begins to ask who on Zappa will be sitting out the challenge and before he can finish, Sarita grabs her purse and runs to the sidelines. Stephanie is crestfallen as she's now lost her chance to make Sarita look like an asshole. Survivors ready, go!




Launching the balls for Zappa are Stephanie and David while Natalie and Phillip launched for Omarion. Out in the field, Grant was up against Mike, Rob was against Steve, Mascaroni was with Julie and Assley was with Rooster. Natalie lobs a soft one right into Grant's net while Stephanie fires off a deep one that bounces right out of Julie's net. Score 1 for Omarion. David decided to launch for round two while Natalie refused to let Phillip anywhere near the giant sling shot. With another short toss, Grant scores again while David shoots the ball right out into the ocean. Score 2 for Omarion. The rest of competition continues in much the same fashion except Mike started disrobing Grant is some effort to make him naked by the end of the challenge. Phillip never once particpated and why Stephanie wasn't out in the field is a mystery to me, but with that... OMARION WINS IMMUNITY AND REWARD!!!



Are you ready for some more Jesus? Well, you better be because it's not only Jesus time, it's giant Jesus time. Turns out the Reward takes place at the second biggest Jesus in the world. The bigger the Jesus, the sweeter the juice... I think. I don't know. Anyhow, there was a giant Jesus making the "I give up" symbol from Spartacus and it was kind of poetic. Pretty Pony loves Jesus. He's living at a ludus. Yadda yadda yadda... Spartacus Jesus. It works. Trust me.

Omarion arrives and it's a huge spread of fish and guacamole and lobster. Rob wonders who the giant bearded dude looking down on him is and while everyone looks up to take a guess, Rob looks down and sees the Immunity Idol scroll hidden next to the centerpiece. He decides it's too risky for him to try to get it and besides, it's not like he needs it anyways. But, he doesn't want anyone else to get it so he motions to Grant and Grant straps it to his supermodel legs before anyone can see. Rob makes up some story about wanting to see the view so he and Grant climb up the Jesus to read the clue and make sure that an Idol isn't hidden in Jesus' beard somewhere. Like any good hall monitor, Phillip knows something is amiss. He follows Rob and Grant, sees them reading the clue and asks what it says. Rob tells him the Idol is back at camp and then he grabs Grant and they run away.


Phillip wants to believe them, but he's not so sure. You see, they have an alliance together called Stealth-R-Us. Now, mind you, only Phillip knows of this alliance's existence, but it's real, my friends. Oh, it's real. Philip is The Specialist, Rob is The Mentalist and Grant is The Assassin. I've never played X-Box or Wii or PS3, but I have a feeling that The Specialist, The Mentalist and The Assassin are all characters from some sort of Doom Black Ops Tomb Raider game that Phillip thinks has now come to life. It's like that scene from that Leonardo DiCaprio movie The Beach. Phillip is inside of a video game and I fear it has bled into his real life and people will now die. As bad as that is and as angry as Phillip got, I've discovered more nuggets for my Phillip Sheppard dossier. Phillip is 52 years old. However, he said he served his country for FOUR years and then he said he did something else for 13 days. I couldn't quite catch it. Dry mouth syndrome, you know. But, four years? Only four? That must have been when they started the medication that gave him the hallucinations. I've got calls into Bellevue, McLean and a few other mental institutions. I'll keep you posted, but until then Phillip has promised to kick a little ass. I'm pretty sure this means he will start to kill people. I just hope he does it in his tighty pinkies and his spear dance stance.



Back at Zappa, David is a little worried about the forthcoming Tribal Council. He's threatened suicide if Stephanie goes home so, you know, he's kind of got a vested interest in what happens tonight. He makes his move on The Cuddler but really anything you tell him is in one ear and out the other. He'd rather curl up with a comfy blanket and watch a Golden Girls marathon than have to hurt someone's feelings. Sarita sees what David is up to and she decides that it's in her best interest not to campaign. Now, I don't know if someone slipped lithium into Camp Zappa's water supply, but what the hell is going on here? They were smart enough to get Lucifer out when they did, but now they're not smart enough to realize that Sarita is a liability? I wonder if maybe Phillip's medication was delivered to the wrong tribe. That could explain a lot.



This brings us to Tribal Council where Dimples begins by asking Rooster about the Immunity Challenge and what went wrong. He replies, "We had open mayun an' balls comin' arn wey. If ida bin shootin' ah b'leeve ah coulda dun lil bedder." And then he ended it with a big wink and I just clapped and laughed and pulled out my banjo. I still love that guy. The conversation then turns to Sarita and why she was such a pussy and sat out the game. Sarita says she would have loved to have played, but Stephanie calls her a chicken and says she was scared of the physical contact. Then Sarita stuck her foot in it and said she didn't want to play and then suck at playing. Dimples wouldn't let her get away with that as he basically whipped some poster board out of his khakis and wrote in big red letters - VOTE SARITA OUT. He held it up for the tribe to see, but Steve just scratched his chin and Mike wondered when bedtime was.

In the end, the votes weren't even close and Stephanie is the 6th person voted out of Survivor: Redemption Island. So, what did you think of last night's episode? Will Mascaroni stab Pretty Pony while he sleeps? Can Pretty Pony beat Stephanie on Rhode Island? Is David the next one to get voted out of Zappa? Will I ever not need to use my hillbilly translation machine in one of my blog posts? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! If you like this blog and watch The Amazing Race, be sure to check out my Bitchy Amazing Race Blog.