Thursday, April 28, 2011

You Can't Stand The Truth!




When ponies cry tiny drops of liquified diamonds, the world pauses and wonders how to continue. The oceans look at the mountains in confusion, volcanoes turn lukewarm, glaciers slump in sadness, rivers hiccup in laziness and one by one great majestic hundred year old trees buckle in exhaustion. No more will the seasons change. No more will the wind blow and the sun shine. The Earth just kind of hangs there - dull, lifeless and grey. Woodland creatures turn sluggish forgetting how to scurry. The fairy population floats sadly in resignation plopping on windshields and sidewalks. Glitter can't remember how to sparkle, marshmallows vaporize and that delicious nectar known as gin turns into a rancid sticky sludge. How can you just leave me standing? Alone in a world that's so cold. Maybe I'm just too demanding. Maybe I'm just like my father - too bold. Maybe I'm just like my mother - she's never satisfied (she's never sa-tis-fied) Why do we scream at each other? This is what it sounds like... when ponies cry. Let's recap, shall we?

Our Nicaraguan nightmare continues in the boring of the boringest suckfest we call night. An ill-placed harmonica sighs languidly and The Cuddler (Steve) drags his old carcass over to His Majesty Of Frosted Flakes, Phillip Sheppard, to make amends. That whole racist N-word thing at the last Tribal Council left a bad taste in the The Cuddler's mouth and now he'd like to be friends with the Duke of Candyland if possible. With a crispy voice and an aching in his bones, The Cuddler sticks an olive branch in Phillip's ear and says, "Here. Take it." Phillip takes it, breaks it in half and declares that the gesture wasn't the least bit "genuous". It also wasn't "authenterocious", "sinceraneous" or "honorific" either. Knowing that Phillip is one chromosome away from being a goldfish, The Cuddler smiles satisfied that he's made a new friend and is now safe from any eliminations down the road. His next tactical move is to woo the ladies of the tribe with sticky sweet compliments and poofs of old man smell. "That was some great blindside.", he farts. The Fembots look at him with that glazed glassy eyed stare of theirs. The Cuddler knows that is also how they look at their lord and master so, again, he's confident that he's made some headway and is now an honorary Omarion (Ometepe). No way Rob will get rid of him now!





A new day dawns. The ocean rolls in and out, pretty and blue, while the last two Zappas (Zapateras) sit on a log enjoying some suicidal fish. The scene is gentle and peaceful. One might imagine a palm tree blowing gently in the breeze or a dolphin leaping playfully in the sea. Instead, we find a giant bald man roaming the sand muttering to his guardian angel Jessica Hairyface (Jessum Harring). You see, Jessica Hairyface was 85% Albanian, 36% Martian and 213% Smurf. He lived long ago, but will still appear from time to time to his puffy sticker of a great grandson Phillip Sheppard. Today is one such time. In an early morning premonition (that's code for hallucination), Jessica Hairyface told the Seargant of Saggy Bottoms to look near the water hole, radio to Langley for the precise coordinates and there, underneath a rock in the shape of a rock, will be his long lost shorts. As all rocks are in the shape of rocks, this wasn't exactly the easiest task. Phillip lurches, balls swinging in the breeze, and begins to dig under every rock he can find. The first rock yields nothing, but a leaf he can use later to make a pipe bomb out of. The second rock reveals tiny crab people on their way to a tiny crab people convention. The third rock reveals *drumroll* the missing salmon colored shorts! Like Anthony Michael Hall in Sixteen Candles, Phillip holds the shorts over his head for all to see. He didn't even need a clue to find them! Never mind the fact that Leatherface told him point blank they were buried under a rock and Jessica Hairyface told them they were under a rock and Sydney Bristow told him they were under a rock and the tiny crab people told him they were under a rock. Nope. Phillip did it all by himself so suck on that Julie! The Underwear Specialist is master of uncovering the truth and like most people, Julie, you can't stand the truth! He-e-e-e-e-re's Jeremy! You make me want to be a better manhole. They was giving me ten thousands watts a day, you know, and I'm hot for toaster strudles! Good times and nickelodeon salad. With a sassy kick in the air and a jaunty skip, Phillip murders the last of the Jack Nicholson quotes and prances off to collect the rock that hid the shorts. Not only will it make a fetching foot stool, but it's good to kill people with... while they sleep.







Over on Rhode Island (Redemption Island), the scene isn't quite as merry. A pair of leather slippers is trying to make a fire while a downtrodden and forlorn pony wanders the beach searching for inspiration. Waking up in the morning no longer holds promise for the Pretty Pony (Matt). The sea holds no answers. The sun, although shining, is just a giant yellow ball of mediocrity. His hair hangs limply, his eyes sag sadly and the Pretty Pony wonders if this is really what God had in store for him. Beautiful delicious tears (that probably taste like frosting) stream down his face as he searches for a meaning to this hell he's endured for so long. Memories of family have faded into tiny little snippets of "I think I may know those people from somewhere." His faith, which up til now has been a guiding force in his life, seems to be toying with him in the cruelest of ways. My pony is broken. He can no longer hear the angels sing. All that lies inside of him is a deep cavernous void of emptiness and all he can do is weep. He covers his face, but it's not in shame. It's actually in gratitude. Somehow, through the darkest of wildernesses, he's found a graciousness and serenity knowing that God has carried him this far. The droplets that fall may taste sugary sweet and be absolutely scrumptious on brownies, but, in reality, they're filled with thanks and praise. I don't claim to understand it. I'm not even sure I endorse it. Let's be honest here, I'm just glad he did it shirtless. Hot.









And now we arrive at the big duel. As Pretty Pony, Leatherface and Mike wander in, Phillip begins to fondle himself underneath his salmon shorts. I think it was a screw you to Julie, but in reality it looked like something that could land him on the sex offenders list in the great state of California. Julie simply smiled and cracked her skin in response. It was a nonevent that amounted to nothing more than a grown man touching himself. Dimples ignores it and turns his attention to the Pretty Pony who's been on Rhode Island for 21 days now. Pretty Pony says he's found tremendous peace and if he goes home, so be it. He's accomplished what he's needed to do - which I can only assume is "look majestic while starving and playing the worst game imaginable" - but nevermind all that. Let's get to today's duel. Since Survivor is an intense game of endurance and pushing oneself to the limits of human survival, this competition is a rool doozy - Survivor Shuffleboard! Yes, let's play a game that 80 year olds play on cruise ships while sipping prune juice and bitching about how their grandkids don't call anymore. Ridiculous. Anyhow, the first two Survivors to shoot three pucks into the end zone stay alive. The loser becomes the second member of the jury and can never show their face down at the community center ever again. Survivors ready, go.









The Pretty Pony halfheartedly shoots his puck right into an obstacle. That lump of skin in combat boots, Mike, makes it into the end zone, but, seriously, who cares? Who cares! The only way I could possibly force myself to care about Mike would be if he started hurling his boots at Assley's (Ashley's) head or maybe shoved a giant machete up Julie's nose. He's boredom squared. Blah to the nth power. A gray t-shirt crumbled on the floor. Some stale saltines lying sad and lonely in a cupboard. How the hell did he end up on this show?! Then, that crinkly bunch of cowhide shot her puck and it went somewhere. I don't know. Shoot, shoot, shoot, crinkle, crinkle, crack. Pretty Pony finally feels the power of the Holy Spirit and starts to score. Mike starts to choke a little and that drink coaster Julie makes me want to start buying vegan footwear. In the end, PRETTY PONY AND MIKE STAY ALIVE!!! Happily, we're forced to bid adieu to that shoehorn. Apparently, she came on the show to get her house out of foreclosure. I expect to see her on Jeopardy, The Price Is Right and Are You Smarter Than A Backpack? by the end of the week. She also plans on joining a church because she was so inspired by the Pretty Pony. Oh shut up. Just shut up! Go back to the land of hypocrites from whence you came and never ever ever appear on a CBS reality show again. Thank you and later alligator (face).






Back at Murlonio, Mascaroni (Andrea) is feeling a little guilty and naughty for stabbing the Pretty Pony in the back after making googly eyes at him and swearing her allegiance to him. She feels responsible for breaking the pony's spirit and wonders if they'll ever be able to cuddle again under the stars. Who will whisper bible verses to her now and ply her with ice cream floats at the church social? Torn up and uneasy, Mascaroni vocalizes how sorry she feels for Pretty Pony and makes a mental note to join a church faster than Julie can join a church as soon as she gets back home. Grant hears Mascaroni fretting over her equine lover and he doesn't like it one bit. He tells Rob they should vote out Mascaroni as soon as possible because not only is she good at challenges, but she could team up with Pretty Pony again if he were to reenter the game at some point. Rob agrees and together they wonder if dumping Mascaroni now, before the remaining Zappas, is a better move than dumping her later where there's a possibility she could win Immunity Challenges and stay in the game.






Speaking of Immunity Challenges... splish, splash, kerplop... here we are at another one. I wonder if it'll be Survivor Bingo or Hide The Metamucil. Thankfully, it's not either of those. This week's Immunity Challenge is a good ole fashioned log roll. Survivors will match up against another tribe member and try to stay on the log. The winner of each match moves on to the next round where they'll compete again against the other winners. Last person standing wins not only Immunity, but a giant chocolate cake and an ice cold pitcher of milk. Dimples unveils the cake and I couldn't help but frown because I knew, and you knew, that the frosting was made from none other than fresh pony tears. Decadent, scrumptious pony tears. The milk was squeezed fresh from delicate little pony nipples. Can you milk a pony or did I just make that up? Alright, this is getting too weird. Survivors ready, go!








First up is Grant and Rob. As Grant is a yoga doing new age-y kind of guy, he balances on one leg, chants Meka leka hi meka hiney ho and splash! Rob is out. Grant wins. Next up is Mascaroni and Assley. I secretly wanted Mascaroni to just leap across the log and strangle Assley to death, but it wasn't meant to be. Mascaroni falls first and that godawful Assley wins. Rooster and The Cuddler are up next and I honestly didn't even need to watch to know who would win. I think we all know that Rooster is a log roller from way back. Out in the hills of Virginie after brewin' up some 'shine and skinnin' some 'coons, a party just isn't a party without shootin' rifles in the sky, settin' some squirrels on fire and rollin' on some logs. Also, The Cuddler is rickety with bones like a hummingbird so yeah, Rooster wins and The Cuddler collapses into a pile of dust. Last up is Phillip and Tattalie (Natalie). While I thought Phillip and the weight of his craziness would automatically plunge him into the water, he managed to scat his way to victory putting Tattalie out of the game.








Round two begins and first up is Grant and Assley. Grant goes into Tree Pose while simultaneously trying to run and plop goes Assley. Bitch is out. Rooster and Phillip go next with Rooster smoking Phillip and sending the Postmaster Genereal into the water. The final round is Grant and Rooster. The Karate Kid vs. The Log Rolling Champion of 2004. Roll, roll, roll, skip, skip, Ralph Macchio... GRANT WINS IMMUNITY!!!









Rob smiles from the sidelines because he knows what's coming. It's cake time! Clearly, Grant can't eat that entire cake all by himself so Dimples tells him to pick someone else to take part in the cake celebration. As love is a many splendored thing and his microchip is permanently programmed to the Rob Mariano setting, Grant picks Rob. Dimples then tells Grant to pick a second person. In a strangely awkward moment, Rooster offers Grant a little bit of man love for cake - "Mayun, ah'll hug yer nick iffin ya lemme ayt somma dat". Rooster's not gay, but he thought it was worth a shot. Meanwhile, Phillip sat smugly, so sure, so positive, that the assassin would pick him to join the cake party next. Instead, in a move that was designed to throw her off the scent of possible elimination, Grant picks Mascaroni . Personally, I think the idea of having to share his cake with those Stepford minions (Assley and Tattalie) was just too much for Grant to handle. Phillip would stick his head in face first and blow, The Cuddler was out of the question, Rooster wanted some sort of manly carressing so that left only Mascaroni. Tattalie got all sad and teary eyed while Mascaroni simply smeared the cake all over her face instead of eating it. I like to think it was a personal "fuck you" to Tattalie, but maybe Mascaroni is just a little clutzy. In addition to the cake party, Dimples tosses The Cuddler a package and tells the Survivors not to open it until Tribal Council. Unless that package is a detonator to a bomb Julie placed in Phillip's shorts, I'm completely uninterested in it. No more twists! It's enough already.








Back at camp, everyone wonders what could possibly be in the secret package. The Cuddler hopes it's a bottle on Boniva, Tattalie hopes it's a personality and Phillip hopes it's a colorful array of sea monkeys. Only Mascaroni thinks it might be something to do with a second elimination. Since she's confident in her alliance of six, she's not too worried about a second elimination. As far as Mascaroni is concerned, The Cuddler and Rooster are the next to go and her alliance is solid. Speaking of Rooster, his spark is gone, his feathers are plucked and he's all out of cock-a-doodle-do's. That chop block looms in the distance and all he can do is sit and wait for his number to come up. The Cuddler, on the other hand, lies still and begs for grim death. His sunken in sallow cheeks and papery thin skin look like he's been embalmed, wrapped in papyrus and covered in hierolgyphics. He could attract quite a crowd if you stuck him in a temperature controlled glass box and put him on display. Charge at the door and make a tidy profit. That's what I say.






Rob sees the dying Cuddler in the shelter, but he's much too preoccupied with the new twist to worry about an old man with one foot in the grave. What he has to worry about now is how to vote appropriately in case this damn twist means two people will go home, but they'll only get to vote once. With a push of some buttons, the Fembots are activated and instructed to vote out Rooster first and, if there's a second elimination, Mascaroni next. He also throws in a map to the LaBianca house and tells everyone to meet back at Spahn Ranch. Assley receives the transmission, nods dumbly and says, "Rob smart. Rob leader. Kill LaBianca. Race war imminent." and then she gnawed on Tattalie's underarm hair and all was back to normal.








Meanwhile, The Cuddler rolled himself out of bed and came up with a plan to get rid of Boston Rob. It was actually a good idea and a smart idea. He and Rooster will vote out Rob, maybe some Omarions will join them and then Charlie Manson will be out of the game. The only problem is that he pitched his plan to the Fembots who have been programmed to not only feed Rob grapes one by one, but to report any and all mentions of dissension within the camp. So, within seconds, the two idiots take Rob into the woods and dutifully tell him all about The Cuddler's plan and this is why I'm really beginning to hate this season. Look, I really like Rob and I think he's playing with a finesse we've never seen before, but this is a game that everyone should be trying to win - not just Rob. How those dumbass girls can't see how Rob's loyalty lies with Grant and Phillip is a mystery to me. Their complete and utter contentment with doing as little as possible and contributing nothing to strategy or drama is disgusting. I don't care how young Tattalie is Dimples. She sucks and both her and Assley's willingness to do whatever Rob says has completely ruined this season. I've worked out in my head the various ways the rest of this season can play out and there's not one outcome I can live with. Let's say in the next week or two, Rob does go home. Then, what are we left with?! A tribe of uninteresting zombies. Now, let's say Rob stays. Well, that scenario isn't very good either because it's just him picking everyone off one by one. There is no way I can see this season getting nasty and dirty and evil and all the things that make Survivor great in the first place. Even if Matt or Mike comes back... so? Everyone is still pretty boring. Everyone still fucking sucks. I'm mad. I'm Joan Crawford damn mad! Reality shows depend first and foremost on casting. Throw in as many silly twists or complicated competitions as you want, but if the casting isn't there, then you're dead in the water.






Yadda yadda yadda, Tribal Council. Point blank, Rob says that The Cuddler or Rooster are next to go. The Cuddler says he's tried to mix things up and start some chaos *eye roll* but those Zappas are just too hard to penetrate. Rooster, looking smart in overalls, thinks he'll be the one going home. The Cuddler thinks so too, you know, since he's close to death and all. Grant poo-poo's that idea citing that The Cuddler was an NFL player and that NFL players don't give up. They may not give up, but they sure do suck giant Survivor ass and waste a whole lot of my time Grant. Then Phillip had to get his two words in so he says, "Peanut butter, doorknobs, chapstick... indivisible for justice and all... nam myoho renge kyo... para bailar la bamba!"








Talk then turned to Amber and Rob's past season alliances. Since my memory is only good for maybe two seasons deep, I have no idea what they're talking about. Rob betrayed Lex or something like that, but he's married to Amber now and that's the best alliance in the world. So there! In the end, Rooster is the 12th person voted out of Survivor: Redemption Island and it's sort of bittersweet. I was a big fan of Rooster in the beginning. He had gumption, a crazy accent and the balls to stand up to Lucifer. Over time though, he lost his swagger and became merely a faint memory of what he used to be. It's sad how the game broke him. Sure, he's not the smartest guy around, but he had a lot of potential in those first few weeks. I wouldn't mind seeing him back again in a future season although I don't think he'll ever quite be the Rooster he was once was. Godspeed Rooster. Best of luck to you. Save me a bottle of that 'shine and we'll have a banjo party or something.








OK so now we have this weird twist to deal with. The Cuddler opens the package and the Survivors are instructed to play another Immunity Challenge right then and there. Immediately after the challenge, they'll vote out someone else and this season will continue to fast forward itself into oblivion. For this challenge, Dimples will hold up some picture cards and the Survivors have to remember the order in which the cards appear. Is the Challenge Department on vacation or something? Has there been an intern mutiny back at Survivor HQ? What in the sam hell is going on here? Canteen, hook, pot, fire, canteen, blah, blah, blah... ROB WINS IMMUNITY!!!






It's time to vote again and, thankfully, that decrepit curmudgeonly old coot The Cuddler is the 13th person voted out of Survivor: Redemption Island. So, how much did last night's episode suck? Is crazy Phillip footage the only drama we have left to look forward to? Will the Fembots or Grant ever turn on Rob? Do you think it's fair if a Rhode Island person ends up in the final? Can't we just bury Assley and Tattalie in the sand and pretend we've never heard of them? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!




Please to enjoy, Life At Ponderosa (I forgot to post last week's episodes so I put those first):