Friday, May 13, 2011

Not The N-Word Crazy

Girls, girls. Stupid girls. Pit-sniffing useless dumbass girls. Wide eyed, air-headed, Twizzlers for veins girls. Girls with pageant pasts, girls with pageant futures. Look, I've got a little secret for all of you pageant girls. If you've ever said, "I grew up doing pageants and it's been a really great experience for me. It's given me the confidence to go after my dreams," you should know that everybody hates you. Everybody! The sooner you tumble down a manhole and are devoured by mole people, the happier I'll be. Whatever. Let's recap, shall we?

We open with an awful spindly blonde girl's voice piercing the night. "I love blindsides!" cries Assley (Ashley). Giggle, giggle, smirk, smirk. Hey Assley, come here. I want to show you something. It's called my fist in your face. I've never punched a person in my life, but I'll get all Teresa Guidice on your ass if it'll make you shut up. You see, Assley is under the impression that she's played some sort of a good game up until now. With Tattalie (Natalie) as her BFF, they're now the last two girls left. Squeee! It's never occured to them that the microchips planted in their hips are controlling their every move and all Rob has to do is push a few buttons on his remote control. Push. Assley brings him water. Push. Tattalie washes his socks. Push. Assley prepares his crispy rice. Push. Tattalie wipes his ass. I don't know what sort of intel centrino product Rob is using in his device, but even Small Wonder had a mind of her own. I look at Assley and Tattalie and all I'm greeted with are blank stares and absent-minded twirls of their hair. At least Small Wonder knew how to clean and make jokes. The same cannot be said for the Fembots.

Over on Rhode Island (Redemption Island), a lovers quarrel looms. Mascaroni (Andrea) arrives all cute and fluffy, but the Pretty Pony (Matt) is holding onto a whole basket of hurt and betrayal. Mascaroni was supposed to be his Fembot and had she gone to the Jim Bellino School Of Christianity, she would know that whatever the man says, goes. If he tells you to bend over in your Alexis Couture, you do it. If he outs you in front of Boston Rob destroying any chance you ever had of winning Survivor, you shut your mouth and take it with a smile. Thankfully for us, Mascaroni has no idea who Jim Bellino is (neither do you unless you watch Real Housewives of Orange County) and even though the Pretty Pony is awfully pretty, he still screwed up her game. The worst part about it is that Pretty Pony doesn't even realize it. He didn't realize it when it was happening and he doesn't realize it now as it's being explained to him. Strategy and thinking ahead and evaluating gameplay and logic are just little dusty things that aimlessly float by the brain of the pony. They're too little to notice and too tiny to catch. His Survivor lies in a book. A book written 3500 years ago. A book with a talking snake and a man who built a boat big enough to house all the creatures of the world. That's Pretty Pony's Survivor. And he's soooo close to getting those perfect Jesus abs so no one better screw this up for him now.

And then, AND THEN, Rooster (Ralph), oh so debonaire and gentlemanly, tells Mascaroni she has to sleep outside with the chickens. She "dun wahpped Rob's arse wit terlet payper un naow issa paybayk." Stately, polite, newly religionized Mike laughed in the night while the piously devout Pretty Pony cackled into the breeze. Is that what Jesus would do gentlemen? Would Jesus make a girl sleep in the mud? Is that what it is says in that Bible you're always pretending to read? Please, show me the passage where it says, "Be a complete dick and make a hard-working girl sleep in the dirt." To hell with all of you.

This brings us to the big Rhode Island duel. Awful, stupid, exhausted, why are we still doing this, Rhode Island duel. After enduring a night of Christian men kicking sand in her face and making her use a live turtle for a pillow, Mascaroni is spent. She's a jumble of emotions and no matter how hard she tries she just can't keep it in. Not only did her tribe turn on her, those woman-hating holy men flicked pebbles at her head all night. She's tired, she's hungry and she doesn't have a friend in the world right now. It's ok Mascaroni. Go ahead and cry. I would've cried too. Right after I shoved bible passages up those Rhode Island bastards asses, I would've cried for how chivalry is indeed dead.

Ok, for today's duel, you're going to move a handle through a long table maze. At the end of the table maze, you're going to use that handle to smash a box and retrieve a bag of puzzle pieces. Use the puzzle pieces to solve a puzzle and if you're anywhere in the top three, you can stay in the game. Remember Survivor's new motto: Just don't be last. Survivor's ready, go.

So, everyone grabs their handle and slide, slide, slide... Rooster gets an early lead with Mascaroni furiously focusing on her handle right behind him. Mike begins to make some strides while the Pretty Pony literally stands there, yawns and makes a fart of a suggestion that he's even trying. For a second I thought that maybe he just didn't care anymore, but then I figured it out - he's letting God do all the work now. With a shrug of his shoulder and a ho-hum look on his face, Pretty Pony has turned over his entire game to God. If God wants the handle to move, it'll move. Rooster, however, isn't lettin' God do a damn thing. He powers through the maze and smashes his tile first. Mike finishes second while Mascaroni takes to talking to her handle and Pretty Pony continues to wait for the Holy Spirit. With an incredibly early lead, it's all but a certainty that Rooster will win this thing except... the little wheelies in his brain don't seem to be turning at a normal rate this here mornin' and puzzle makin' is hard! Puzzle making is hard and since this particular puzzle required some rudimentary spelling, it was next to impossible for poor Rooster. MIKE, ANDREA AND MATT STAY ALIVE!!! Buh bye Rooster. At times you were delightful and at times you were infuriating. Please get your spark back soon and let me know when you whip out the new 'shine. I'll bring my banjo.

Back at Murlonio, we're at DEFCON 3. There is a rice situation and the enemies are hostile. Confidence is high. I repeat, confidence is high. Global Thermonuclear Warfare is imminent and I've got a call in right now to the President. Joshua won't quit playing the game and Phillip won't put on his pants. It takes only 18,000 calories to feed a woman, but it's takes 456,000 calories to feed a man. The data on the MiG might not be accurate, but the morse code chewing is all we have to go on at this point. Once we can get central command back online we'll be able to verify the data. Until then, Rob and Grant think it's best to vote out that sneaky Assley. She doesn't want to eat and something about her is really creepy. Duh. I've been saying that from the beginning!

Uh oh, I have word from NORAD that we're taking it down to DEFCON 2. Grant is a big strong guy who needs his extra rice and Tattalie and Assley are not willing to comply. I repeat, they are not willing to comply. Return fire if fired upon. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of lollipops. You have the right to an attorney. Should you not be able to afford an attorney, Lawyer Dave will do it for free because he can't stand that pscyho Phillip either. Special Agent Phillip Sheppard has gone rogue and we fear he's teamed up with Nikita. If he gets his hands on one of the black boxes, he'll color all over it and we can't have that. Those black boxes contain national security secrets and crayolic Sheppard scrawl would only minimize the severity of the situation. Present, ARMS. Forward, MARCH. I don't know what I've been told. I don't know what I've been told! But Phillip Sheppard's gettin' old. Phillip Sheppard's gettin' old! Sound off - 1,2! Sound off - 3,4! Break it on down - 1,2,3,4 - 1,2... 3,4!

So umm yeah, that happened. Las Vegas almost got bombed by the Soviets and Rob figured out that splitting up Tattalie and Assley is the next move he needs to make. Those two are a dreaded couple - just like Rob and Amber were a couple and like Pretty Pony and Mascaroni were a couple. The only problem is that instead of driving them apart with the air raid siren noise he makes with his mouth, Phillip Sheppard is driving those two closer together and making Rob's job all the more difficult. Tattalie catches the scent of uncertainty on the wind so she scurries to Rob to make sure that she's still safe. Rob tells her she'll be fine just as long as she keeps doing what he says. He whips the remote control out of his pocket and *turnie turnie of the knob, push of the button, click* Tattalie has been activated and she'll no longer question Rob's demands. Rob tells her the next person to go will be Assley. Tattalie nods dumbly, turns around and bumps into a tree.

Night falls and Assley has been doing some thinking. She thinks that maybe Grant should go home next. Rob looks at her horrified because clearly she's gnawed the microchip out of her own hip. No wonder she wasn't hungry for rice earlier! Rob suggests that maybe Phillip should go first, but Assley's reply was, "No!". And then she ate her face. Later, Rob tells Grant what Assley said and he says, "What a snake!" I second that. She is a snake. A stupid, pointless, slithery snake. Not even a poisonous snake or a snake that kills rodents. Just a cheap dime store rubber snake that you'll eventually sell at a garage sale. Tattalie, on the other hand, is innocent and pure - that's according to Rob, not me. I think Rob sees her as a little sister which is cute and whatnot, but it still doesn't change the fact that she's a waste of my time.

And now we arrive at the Immunity Challenge. Survivors have to use large fish hooks to retrieve bags of puzzle pieces. They'll then use those pieces to complete a puzzle in the shape of a fish skeleton. To make it a little more interesting, they will do this challenge with one arm tied behind their back. In addition to Immunity, the winner will also get a Reward of Survivor room service where a three-course meal delivered to them back at camp. Survivors ready, go!

Blah, blah, blah, fish hook, sand, bags. Grant and Rob take an early lead with Phillip and Assley behind them. Grant continues to do well as Tattalie lies in the sand and makes sand angels a la Kelly Bensimon. Puzzle, puzzle, puzzle, bone, bone, bone, those are fetching sand angels Tattalie! Phillip gets word that Joshua now wants to play Tic-Tac-Toe so off he runs back to central command. It's now down to Assley, Grant and Rob. Grant fucks up his last bag, Rob starts sticking bones into various holes (that sounded dirty - ha!) and shitty shit shit ASSLEY WINS IMMUNITY AND REWARD! Doody. She picks Tattalie to join her and maybe someone somewhere cared, but I didn't. I just want this to end already!

I interrrupt this particularly crappy blog to make a public service announcement. I hate this season of Survivor. I HATE IT! There's no drama, no evil, no excitement, no injuries. Oh sure, it was entertaining for the first 3 or 4 episodes, but after that it's been a big ole giant crapfest that I've been desperately trying to make funny. I know mentally I've checked out. I'm writing this in between opening packages from Amazon, chewing on a Twizzler and taking part in a friends online chat about autism. It's like if I could do anything other than write this post, I'll do it. I'm thinking about brushing my dog next. So yeah, that's where my head is at right about now. Anywhere but here.

Back at camp, Rob is bummed. I am bummed and Rob is bummed. A sort of desperation and futility hangs in the air. Grant wanders off swinging his shirt around and trying to hide the impending doom he'll eventually feel. Meanwhile, Assley and Tattalie shriek and embrace openly. "We won! We won!" they cry. Phillip Sheppard shot them both in the head with his finger and then ran off to assassinate those sand angels he saw on the beach. He doesn't trust a life form that blends into it's environment so easily. Hasta la vista sand angels.

Now comes the hard part. Rob doesn't want to vote Grant out, but he kind of has to vote Grant out. Between the three remaining possibilites (Grant, Phillip, Tattalie), Grant has the highest chance of actually winning at the end. He's been relatively nice to everyone, he's strong in the competitions, he's had no major drama with anyone, and I doubt the Zappas harbor any real hatred of him. Believe me, I'd much rather see Phillip or Tattalie go home, but it really wouldn't make much sense at this point. So, off Rob goes to appease everyone and make Grant feel ok about everything. And by that I mean, he lies to Grant. There's nothing wrong with lying to Grant. I'd lie to Grant. I'm not even on Survivor and I'd lie to Grant. I'd say, "Hey Grant, love your hair!" and that there would be a lie. See? Easy.

The Reward arrives along with it's very own waiters. There was pizza and brownies and nachos and pasta and cake. None of that really interested me though. What caught my attention was the What About Bob? reenactment that followed.

Those two pigs were mmm mmm mmming Dr. Leo Marvin right back into the funny farm. They were licking food off of each other's faces, giggling while guacamole fell down their bikini tops and just generally being major assholes. Here's my thought on being a gluttonous pig on Survivor: what goes in, must come out. I always cringe when people go way overboard with the food rewards because you know they're going to be paying for it later. Knowing it would happen to these two useless lumps of skin made me all warm and fuzzy inside. My favorite part of the scene was watching them double over in pain. Cramps twisting their stomachs with their intestines lurching around inside and all the while they petted each other and cooed. From a few feet away Rob and Grant hoped they choked on their food or they own tongues - whichever was quicker and more painful.

So Tattalie is all worried now because Assley picked her to have the Reward. She gets some face time in with Rob to make sure everything is still cool between the two of them. Rob assures her that everything is fine - as long as Assley suffers a long and painful death in the very near future. Everything will be just dandy if Tattalie does what she's told and doens't start doing anything crazy... like thinking.

And now we arrive at Tribal Council. Assley starts talking about how great it feels to wear the Immunity necklace so I got up out of my seat, took a hot fireplace poker out of the hearth and plunged it into my solar plexus. I was making gurgling noises, but it drowned out what Assley was saying on the tv so, win win. Dimples turns his attention to Rob and Rob admits that he's vulnerable, but hopes that everyone sees that Grant is the bigger threat between the two of them. Oh Puh-lease. Grant couldn't threaten a silkworm. He'd pet it and make friends with it. He'd make tiny dresses for it and tuck it in at night into the silk sheets he hand embroidered for it. That's how threatening Grant is.

Assley begins to speak again so I hurled my body, front side down, onto a marble floor. The fireplace poker was still in there and it hurt so good. Assley went on about how close she is to Tattalie and Dimples pointed out that bombs were going off in all the boys' brains at that moment. I believe it. Her voice could make a bomb go off in the Middle East if she really put her mind to it. Homeland security should snatch her up.

The discussion turns to family and Rob is pretty straight forward. He's playing for his family. He wants to give them a better life. They keep him going. Nice, sweet, ok. Grant, however, just mentions the word "fiance" and he topples over into a soggy mess of tears. Two words: Pussy. Whipped. I don't know, but if some guy started crying over not seeing me for roughly 40 days, I'd have his bags packed by the time he returned home. You cry over kids. You cry over death. You don't cry, on national tv, because you miss your fiance. You're a football player for chrissake! Man up.

Vote, vote, vote pussy boy Grant is the 15th person voted out of Survivor: Redemption Island. So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Were you happy with the outcome? How do you think Rhode Island will play out? Could Phillip possibly win this game? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! If you've enjoyed what I've done here this season, I ask that you please click on my PayPal button and show a girl some love. All donations $20 or more get a free membership to the Bitchy Network. Simply make a donation, register at the Bitchy Network and I'll take care of the rest of it.

Please to enjoy this week's Life At Ponderosa: