Monday, May 16, 2011

That Was So Special

Indian ghosts, everlasting mascara, pink panties, crispy rice, remote control brains... it's been a tumultuous 39 days in Nicaragua. We watched our favorite hardcore reality show morph into Sunday mass with a rooster crowing. What was once cutthroat is now precious. What was once sinister is now cutesy. Rumbling bubbling fires of hell became friendly rainbows piercing the sky. Ponies pranced, dummies danced and one by one we learned to hate that dud of a state Rhode Island. What should have been violent and angry duels to the death were, in reality, "Hey just try not to lose, man." People napped, girls primped, a freak leaped and one man, ONLY ONE MAN, played the game. Like Charles Manson, he manipulated, cajoled and provided all the necessary info in which to start a race war. What no one could have predicted was Survivor: Redemption Island's 19th player, God. He was everywhere! He was making it rain, He was killing the fish, He was in the air, He was living in a hot pink book, He was blonde, He found a marine, He leaked in tears. That God is freaking annoying if you ask me. Talk about camera hogs - Jesus! Well, before I get struck down by a bolt of lightning... Let's recap, shall we?

Night falls on Rhode Island (Redemption Island) and a supermodel makes his way through the jungle thick. It's Grant and he's a little flummoxed as to who voted him out of the game. Was it Rob or was it Phillip? Uh brainiac, it was BOTH! Grant also tells us he's A-Okay with it, but all evidence last night points to the contrary. Apparently, Grant and his mayonnaise hair hold 8 month long grudges which is kind of strange considering he's a yoga doing, peace loving Buddhist. Those Buddhists are such bitches when they're backstabbed. Anyhow, the Rhode Island inhabitants sleepily welcome this new member while one little fluffy girl, Mascaroni (Andrea), curses under her breath and watches all of her Rhode Island Duel dreams flitter away into the starlight. She's pissed off that Grant showed up because now she's got to go up against three burly men in order to stay in the game. One has been in combat, one has played for the NFL and the other is a flipping instrument of God. Can one tiny long-lashed farm girl defeat the likes of these three brutes? We'll have to wait and see. Until then, Mascaroni settles into her patch of her dirt outside the shelter and prepares for another long sleepless night with her turtle pillow. If only Mr. Turtle wasn't so gaseous.

Over at Murlonio the tribe struggles to come to terms with the fact that getting rid of Grant was a necessity. That elimination hurt far more than any of the others, but in the end Survivor is a game. So yeah, off with his head! Actually, it wasn't even really Grant's time. It was supposed to be Assley (Ashley) who went home. That useless reed of a woman Assley. For 30 some odd days she's said nothing, done nothing, meant nothing. She's a fart in the water. A lazy insignificant backdrop who has added zilch to this game in the way of strategy or drama. The problem is that now she's actually winning challenges. Now she comes to life. After a month of being a drab beige carpet, she's become a nuisance. Rob doesn't trust her, Phillip can't stand her and this bitch needs to go sooner rather than later. Anyone who treats Survivor like a trip to Canyon Ranch can rot in hell as far I'm concerned and get a really nasty foot fungus from dirty pedicure equipment. Since she treats everything like a vacay, she should suffer vacay maladies. Let's throw in some food poisoning while we're at it. Bad crab salad maybe. That's good for at least 2 days of nonstop vomiting.

So while Rob is busy planning intricately detailed ways to send Assley on her merry way, Pretty Pony (Matt) is out communing with God. Perched on a cliff overlooking the sea, the pony marvels at nature's glory. He's smitten with it's majesty. Hair blowing in the breeze, pectorals glistening, this wild and primal corner of the earth has been his home for the past 85 days. Bullshit. It's been his pulpit. The Pretty Pony has managed to convert everyone he comes into contact with into an annoying "I love God" person. Churches need to hire him to convert the godless. Send the Adonis into polytheistic tribal societies and after one week you'll have a whole new slew of god fearing Christians with weirdly mechanical smiles on their faces. Maybe it's Pretty Pony's passion that is so mesmerizing. Or, maybe it's his all over tan and perfectly rounded ass. *shrugs shoulders* I have no idea. All I know is that everything with the pony needs a prayer. Whether it's a bite of rice or tree mail or about the final duel, it all requires prayer. That sort of blind faith just seems so silly to me. Unless a ghost hunter can capture an EVP with God saying he's tuning into CBS every Wednesday night, I'm pretty sure He doesn't give a shit about a reality show. He's much too busy killing people with tsunamis and earthquakes and famine and disease to worry about whether or not the Pretty Pony makes it to the final Tribal Council.

Speaking of final duels, whoosh, splash, kerplop! Here we are at the last stupidly stupid dumbass moronic Rhode Island duel of the season. Deep in my loins I hoped it was the last anything having to do with Rhode Island, but then I saw that Survivor: South Pacific promo and all of my lady parts shriveled up into useless bits of nothing. I'm infertile now. Thank you Rhode Island. Thanks for nothing. Ok so for this duel Survivors will place their foot on one end of a balancing board. On the other end is a ceramic vase. When the vase falls, you're out of the game and headed to the Jury. The winner will go back to Murlonio and rejoin the game. Survivors ready, go.

The challenge begins and it's smooth sailing for the first 20 minutes. The sun beats down strong, the wind doesn't seem to be a problem and all of our little Survivor soldiers are doing very well. Mascaroni scratches her tummy in indifference while the Pretty Pony has a look on his face that says, "Don't let me down now God." Grant with his impossibly long limbs begins to waver, but recovers quickly while Mascaroni gives him the side eye. The unsteadiness seems to be contagious as both Pretty Pony and Cold War Mike have tiny hiccups of their own. 40 minutes passes and Grant leans over to stretch out his 3 foot long calf. With a leg that long, muscles are bound to tense up and get all crazy like. And get all crazy like they do cuz Grant's vase drops and he's outta the game! Later alligator. Go pout and hold some endless grudges now.

One hour passes and the sun is merciless on our 3 remaining contenders. It mocks them with it's heat. Mascaroni gently stretches her tiny leg and I shouted at the screen, "No! Didn't you see what happened to Grant?!" And then I chucked about 5 tubes of CoverGirl Thick Lash Mascara at the tv screen. She recovers from her stretch without incident, but down on the other end of the challenge God is about to play a very cruel joke. Rewatching this a second time, it's clear to me that only He is responsible for what happens next. Pretty Pony was still. He was focused. He didn't jostle and he didn't waver. But, out of nowhere, as if a bony finger emerged from the sky, his vase tipped over and then went plop. Pretty Pony's face shriveled in horror. In a matter of seconds everything he ever believed in disappeared in front of his eyes. He stroked his chin in confusion and wondered why God didn't play better. Pretty Pony truly believed that God had been playing for him all along. Looking at his devastation was like watching a child discover there is no Santa Claus. Pretty Pony wondered in that moment if maybe other things weren't true as well. Maybe Jonah didn't live for three days inside that whale. Maybe Moses didn't really part the Red Sea. Could it be that all he believed in were fairy tales? It's a heady thing when fantasy and childlike wonder leaves a person. It causes people to react in strange and horrifying ways - like, maybe, it'll make someone cut their hair so they look like they belong in a boy band rather than looking like they're part of a sexy motorcycle gang. You had no business cutting that hair Pretty Pony. No business! Damn you! So, yeah, he's outta the game.

It's now down to Cold War Mike in his drabby gray grays and Mascaroni. Mike wavers and recovers while Mascaroni grips her leg and tries to ignore the heat. Mike wipes the sweat from his brow and that's all she wrote... MASCARONI STAYS IN THE GAME!!! Good girl. Love her. How can you not love a fluffy farm girl with magically mystical lashes and a valley girl lilt? She's cuteness personified. Plus, she just humiliated three beefy bohunks. Awesome.

Mascaroni isn't all cuteness and light though. She's also an evil little liar who likes to mess with people's heads. *claps and giggles* She returns to Murlonio and it's a little awkward at first. These are the very people who blindsided her. Initially, she sits alone and watches the others from a distance, but the second Rob and Phil leave the Fembots unattended, Mascaroni makes her move. She approaches Tattalie (Natalie) and Assley with her trademark wide-eyed innocence, but quickly shifts gears and begins to unfurl tiny little daggers of evil. First, she tells the girls that all the boys on Rhode Island think the girls are all puppets. Then, she says that Rooster (Ralph) and Pretty Pony are planning to vote for Phillip. The Fembots interest is piqued and they wonder aloud how Mike will vote. Mascaroni tells them he's voting for Phillip too and then she skips off with a glint in her eye that shows she's very pleased with herself for planting the seeds that just might save her ass. Who knows if her efforts will pay off? At least she tried. At least she did something. At least she contributed and didn't loll around the shelter sniffing another girl's armpits while being about as interesting as a giant slug.

And now we arrive at the first Immunity Challenge of the night. All that matters is that Assley doesn't win. Rob wants her gone, Phillip wants her gone and, most importantly, I want her gone. She's a boil on the butt of humanity and I'm sick of looking at her long pointed face. For this challenge, Survivors must race across a balance beam collecting a series of bags containing numbered tiles. First person to place the tiles in order from 1-100 wins Immunity. Really? Really. Numbered tiles. We're letting a challenge that any 2nd grader can do determine our final four? Come on Survivor! What the hell is going on here? The challenges are weak, the casting sucks, the twists are lame. This is not the Survivor of yesteryear. This is TJMaxx Survivor. Marshalls Survivor. It's half off and slightly imperfect. It says Ralph Lauren, but the polo guy is missing a mallet and the horse is 3-legged. Survivors ready, go!

In the interest of saving time and because I abhored the way it ended, I'm going to cruise through this challenge. Rob race, race, raced. Mascaroni used her fairy wings to fly. Tattalie ran out into the ocean and drowned. Phillip pieced all the beams together to make a giant TeePee. And, that insufferable maggot Assley wins Immunity. Shit, fuck, doody.

Back at camp it's pretty clear that Mascaroni's time back in the game is limited. She's a hard worker, she's likable and she's good at challenges. As far as Rob is concerned, it's a no brainer. He tells the Fembots and Phillip to vote out Mascaroni and then he goes out fishing. Assley yanks Tattalie into the woods and demands to know that if she votes out Mascaroni tonight, Phillip will be the next one to go. Tattalie nods dumbly and replies, "I'm like, you know, feeling the same, you know, there's a possibility, and, like I don't know, you just never know, you know? Right." Why, thank you Tattalie. You've just managed to suck all the life out of life. We were all brain dead there for a second and, as a result, the world is just a little bit dumber now. Equations no longer work, great works of art toppled off their walls and somewhere a magnificent feat in engineering buckled and gave way. Even I tried to plug my hair dryer into the microwave this morning. I've forgotten how things worked. I left the house earlier today I can't for the life of me figure out why my blush brush won't lock my front door or why my car won't start simply by me sitting on it. Whether she's out in the woods or sitting on a panel on live television, Tattalie should never ever talk again, ever! We're all freaking idiots now because of her.

Phillip sees the Fembots talking in the woods so he radios to Langley, "The eagle has landed. 10-4 good buddy. Renegade is in transit. Confidence is high." And then he strapped on his vest of palm leaves and coconut skins before checking that his sqaudron of army ants was properly deployed. After some face time with a tree, he leaps over towards Rob and informs him that two girls were out in the woods talking. He doesn't know why they were talking or what they were talking about, but they were talking. He'll man the perimeter for the rest of the day and keep Rob abreast of any new developments. Rob thanks Phillip for his service to the country and then releases another feather in the air for him to go chase. It's been Rob all along releasing feathers. He's got a bag of them hidden behind the shelter.

This brings us to our first Tribal Council of the night. Rob begins by saying that paranoia is high and a lot of talking is going on. Phillip then somersaults dangerously close to the fire and reminds everyone that he's the Undercover Specialist. The Jury giggles in response while Rob chucks another feather behind his back and Phillip goes chasing after it. Assley says something about something, but I really have no idea what it was. Whenever she pops on screen I close my eyes, put my fingers in my ears and try to hold my breath long enough to lose consciousness. Mascaroni speaks next and she talks about how she tried to convince the Fembots to get rid of Rob. As we all now know, the girls already knew Rob had the Immunity Idol so Mascaroni's efforts were pretty much inconsequential. Rob plays his Idol and Mascaroni is the 16th person voted out of Survivor: Redemption Island. I enjoyed watching Mascaroni and she was a loyal fan of this here little blog. She's a good sport and I hope we get to see her again on another season with more worthy players. Maybe she'll be back for South Pacific. Fingers crossed.

The final four return to camp and Phillip is desperate for a group hug. The Fembots run to embrace Rob while Phillip approaches from the outside and dry humps them all. He grunts and burbles and annouces, "That was so special!" It was freaky and awkward and made no sense - kind of like this whole season which is why I used the phrase as my final title. Afterwards, Assley steals away to find a quiet corner so she can unleash her squirrely wrath on Mascaroni. It turns out that Assley is pissed that Mascaroni said she and Tattalie haven't made any big moves in the game and tried to throw them under the bus in front of the Jury. Assley, honey, denial ain't just a river in Egypt. You are a ridiculous waste of skin who has done nothing in this game but lie around, bitch and let a man you hardly know control your every move. Now shut up and go back to picking nits out of your sister wife's hair. Rob will call for you when your battery needs changing.

And here we are at our last Immunity Challenge of the season. Survivors must race through a giant maze collecting four bags of puzzle pieces. Once they have all four bags, they will race to the top of a platform to solve the word puzzle. The first person to spell the phrase ONLY YOU ARE SAFE, wins. Survivors ready, go!

Everyone bursts forth into the maze and scatters. Dead ends lie everywhere and the second Tattalie encounters one she keeps running into it repeatedly and spends the rest of the challenge hurling her body against a random wall. Rob spies a path to the first station and goes for it. Assley follows him because that what Assley does: she follows. Phillip somehow manages to find a station all on his own and all three get their first bag of puzzle pieces. The same exact scenario plays out while they go for their second bags. While heading towards the third bag, Rob tries to lose Assley (cuz she's fucking annoying), but she stays stuck on him like white on rice. Phillip gets lost in a dead end and tries to dig his way out.

Rob and Assley get their third bag of puzzle pieces and it's a sprint to the fourth. Rob reaches the last station first with Assley right behind him. Now it's a race back to Dimples. Rob gets up the ladder first and very calmly begins to work on his puzzle pieces. Assley joins him and the music begins thumping. The puzzle pieces are weird misshapen 3-D cubes that bend and fold into various positions. Rob jokes with Assley about helping each other out, but neither give up any info. Rob begins to make headway so Assley looks over at his table and tries to cheat. You know what Assley? Cheaters never prosper and ROB WINS IMMUNITY!!! His hat goes flying, he yawps loudly, he breaks down into tears and he knows, man does he know... he just won a million dollars. We all knew in that moment. Everyone everywhere knew. Well, everyone except Tattalie, who inexplicably started crying for no reason at all, and maybe Assley, who looked confused that she lost. Phillip's reaction was the weirdest though. He was truly happy for Rob which leads me to believe that he's not on Survivor to win at all. He's just there to hang out and if he can stop the bad guys and man the ports in the meantime, then great. Two birds, one stone.

Back at camp there is only one mission: get rid of Assley. It's a mission I love and admire. The only problem is Tattalie. Tattalie is always the problem. She's never the solution. She's a hiccup. A split end. A double negative. She's a pebble in your shoe. A black fly in your chardonnay. Rain on your wedding day. She's a freaking Alanis Morissette song. Exhausting and annoying. So, Rob's mission is to get Tattalie to agree to vote out Assley. He walks by her, turns the switch on his remote control to "Vote Assley" and it's done. That's it. Assley is voted out at the next Tribal Council. Easy peasy. The best part about it is that she actually felt safe. Ahahaha! Suck it loser. Assley is the 17th person voted out of Survivor: Redemption Island.

Back at camp, Phillip is wrapped in a blanket with a giant peacock feather sticking out of his forehead talking about how Jessum Harring came to him in a vision and told him to go back on his meds. You see, Toni Morrison (Phillip's sister) called Jessum, who's alive and well and living in Ft. Lauderdale, right after leaving Nicaragua and told him that Phillip was talking to dead people again. Jessum promptly flew to Nicaragua, walked right up to Phillip one night when he was out getting some water and said, "Don't worry. Everything will be ok. Burn your panties and keep the faith." Phillip thought it was an apparition and here we are now watching him dressed up as the blanket monster. The blanket monster is a little bit like the boogie man. He's scary to think about, but he's not the least bit dangerous.

In lieu of the godawful In Memorium burning of the torches we had the burning of the panties. Phillip obeyed Jessum Harring's orders and gave a moving speech about his manhood not being reflected by the color of his briefs. He held them up high for all to see. Flies buzzed around. I think I saw a crab holding it's nose crawl out as Phillip said, "With happiness and joy as I approach my destiny I bid you ado." Yes, he said "ado". And that play by Shakespeare is really called Much Adieu About Nothing. With a salute to the sky and a click of his heels, Phillip flung the offensive underwear into a nonburning fire where it sat limply among the ashes and devoured itself with its own fumes. Jessum Harring watched from the trees and mumbled to himself, "Like all good things, some things must come to an end." And then he called Bellevue and booked a bed in the maximum security ward for one Mr. Phillip Sheppard.

And that brings us to the final Tribal Council. We begin with opening remarks and Tattalie is up first. "Umm I made it 39 days you know and umm played the best game I could you know. Umm tee hee hee my strength is my social skill. I chose to align with Rob from the very beginning and the microchip in my hip doesn't really hurt anymore. Alliance, me, that's how, ummm, I made it this far. *pause* Loyal. *pause* Umm *pause* I don't know *pause* Umm I deserve to be here? I'm the youngest female. Winner. Survivor. Ever. Rob is king." And then her head exploded and we all cheered.

Next up is the Blanket Monster. "I deserve to be here. I didn't know the strategy I had put in place wouldn't work because of Boston Rob. My morse code machines shorted out. Goose had that accident and then all these feathers started flying. I changed my strategy because the Wombosi mission failed and Treadstone had to be shutdown. After communication with Langley, I identified the target and continued my mission. God bless America. I know pronounce you Jury and wife. Rob is king. Hit the decks!" And then he got up and started shooting everyone with his finger.

Rob went last and it was just what we expected. Thoughtful, organized, smart, he thanked everyone and point by point outlined his strategy and his strengths. He was coherent and easy to follow, inspirational and motivated, concise yet detailed. He gave homage to Survivor as a game and was sincere in mentioning his love for his family. It was the perfect speech. He had 10 years to get it right. How could it be anything but perfect?

Now it's time for the Jury to ask their questions. Mascaroni is up first and right out of the gate she cracks me up. "Phillip, you are weird." She asks Phillip who the real Phillip Sheppard is and he answered by telling her not to vote for him. Mascaroni then turns to Tattalie and tells her that her relationship with Rob was creepy. Tattalie replies, "I've never been camping" and that was the end of that.

Assley said blah blah blah and I said die die die. I'm done giving her blog space.

Grant goes next and he wants to know when Tattalie made her alliance with Rob. Exactly what time and where did it happen because his alliance with Rob was made on July 19th and 10:00 am in the morning down by the watering hole. Was her alliance before that or after that? If it was after then it doesn't count and Grant can be mad for the rest of his life. Boo hoo hoo. Blurgh. Namaste.

Rooster Ralph is up next and it went something like this: "Wayell, preshyate y'all makin' it thar ladees n gentle'un. Natlee, seem lahk yew kint narly do nuttin' witow Rahb. Lahk a keeyid! Yew nayver did tawk ta me in da gehm. Peeryod. Nayver did. Pheelp. Ya lit me dow'. I's hopin' hole cheekin on yer 'ed. Tell me why'nch ya git 'nymore faythers thin that? Dyew rilly lahk me?" Aww, I got sad in that moment because I realized that all Ralph ever wanted was to make friends. Living on the side of that mountain in Virginie makin' the 'shine under the cover of night doesn't afford him a lot of opportunities to meet new people. He's got Harlon, but that's about it. Well, now he's got Phile too. Two peas in a pod. Give me a call Rooster. I'll drank the 'shine wit ya.

Now we come to the Pretty Pony. The beautious luscious pony with his freshly washed flaxen locks framing his face. If only he was a mute. "Duplicitous, manipulating, deceiving, liar. Bad, bad, bad. Bible. God. Good, good , good. Amen."

Leatherface Julie is up next and she was a real treat wasn't she? Bitter much ya ole briefcase? She spent her time telling Tattalie she's humiliated her parents and should probably never go home because clearly they've disowned her by now. She tells Phillip to put his kid up for adoption because he's a horrible father and then she tells Rob his daughters are hopeless and will grow up to be awful people. Thanks for that you wrinkled up handbag. Please, because I'm so interested, tell me what you did that's of any value whatsoever in this game. Go polish your skin and buy yourself a new buckle or something. Install a giant zipper over those things you call teeth. My god, you're rude. I don't particularly care for Tattalie and Phillip either, but I'd never tell them how much they've humiliated their families. Who the hell are you to sit in judgment? You went on a tv show to pay your bills. How about getting a job instead you scuffed up old boot. Jesus Christ you're awful! Have you met Nanook yet? I have a feeling you two would get along famously.

Mike went next and he's found God yadda yadda yadda. SHUT. UP. My god, shut up! Can you tell my patience is wearing thin? You are ridiculous, Mike. Ridiculous! You should have been the star this season. You would have had America by the short and curlies had you only had a personality. Instead, you're the dork who gave the family visit to his enemies. Good luck getting laid now douchebag.

The Cuddler is up next and it looks like he's finally come to his senses. He's gracious and congratulatory to both Tattalie and Rob. He actually seemed like a nice guy with a decent personality. When he told Phillip he was sorry for him and what he's made of himself, I laughed. Outside of the game, Steve is probably a decent guy. Inside of the game, he's a wretched bag of bones who wouldn't know strategy if it sat on his face.

Finally, we have Lawyer Dave. Being that Lawyer Dave is Lawyer Dave he decided to give the closing arguments to the Jury. In the courtroom drama in his head, he was fighting for Rob to be proven innocent and awarded one million dollars in damages for having to put up with that crappy lot of contenders. He outlined how Rob controlled each and every one of their minds and for a second I worried that Dave might actually do more harm than good. I thought he might just piss these people off enough for them to vote the opposite way. I mean, let's face it. That's the type of crew we're dealing with here. They're a bitter lot who are all still shocked they're sitting on the side they're sitting on. It was a good speech and I appreciated Lawyer Dave mixing it up a little bit. He was an arrogant ass coming in and he was an arrogant ass going out, but you know what? He was interesting to watch. He's another one I wouldn't mind seeing back to play the game. Just, no more awkward proposals please. I beg you.

So, there you have it. Vote, vote, vote. ROB IS THE WINNER OF SURVIVOR: REDEMPTION ISLAND. It was a deserved win and he really did play one hell of a game so congratulations to him.

Survivor is a show I've always held in the highest esteem. It's that one show I compare all other shows to, but this season was downright embarrassing. It started off great, but went downhill fast. Hopefully, I've managed to entertain you a little bit here. If you've enjoyed what I've done this season, please click on my PayPal button and show a girl some love. You can find me this summer at the Bitchy Big Brother Blog covering BB13 daily. Barring any injuries where I lose function of my hands, I will be back blogging Survivor in the Fall. I mean, come on, how could I not? Thank you so much everyone for coming back here weekly and taking the time to comment. You guys rock. Comment it out bitches (again) and have a great day!