Thursday, September 1, 2011

Christine: Ivory Wayans

Next up on our tour of the South Pacific is our first female contestant of the season, Christine Shields Markoski. As most people with three names (Sarah Jessica Parker, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Holly Robinson Peete) cause my eyeballs to get stuck inside my skull from rolling them too hard, I'm not holding my breath on this one. Christine Newton John is 39 and hails from the great state of New York. She has nothing left to accomplish in life because she says she's already done it all. Well la di da, Miss Fancy Pants. Must be nice.

Christine Dee Williams cites some obscure Mexican revolutionary as her personal hero and hates it when people don't remove the price tags from the bottom of their shoes. I tell ya, I'm going to have to agree with Christine Ingalls Wilder on this one. I once bought a pair of Manolo's at Off Fifth and unwittingly flashed the 60% off sticker to my holier than thou boss from hell at the time. The humiliation wasn't worth the deal I got. Trust me.

Christine Trent Darby says the Survivor she most identifies with is Stephanie because she's strong and outspoken. Look, if Christine Lou Retton truly is strong and outspoken, I'll trade in my eye rolling for nods of approval. Let's check out Christine Bob Thornton's video, shall we?

Oh Christine Nicole Smith... you'll definitely be trouble, but I'm getting the impression that you also won't last very long. I predict that a nasty encounter with one of your many necklaces and a wayward branch will be your ultimate demise. With that orange dress, Christine William Scott, you'll be easy to find swaying from the tree so... at least that's something.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Brandon: Lucifer's Nephew

As I always like to thoroughly research my blog posts before delivering them to the world, I approached this next Survivor in a very scholarly manner. I went down to my local library (Google) and punched in "Lucifer's Nephew". In addition to several photos of books with titles such as "Lucifer In Heels", "Lucifer's Shadow", and Lucifer's Lost Lover" (which should arrive in about 4-7 days), I was inexplicably directed to an inordinate amount of Pokemon sites. Apparently, "Lucifer's Nephew" is an ambitious young comic writer within the Pokemon community. After a mysterious hiatus (from his challenging Pokemon message board duties), Lucifer's Nephew is back and he's hard at work on a new comic about a young boy rebelling against the monastery that raised him from birth. Could this young boy be Brandon Hantz? I sure hope so.

In case you missed that, I said "Hantz". Yes *sigh* another blasted Hantz is going to delight our screens this season. Apart from being born into the wrong family, Brandon is 19 years old. If you know anything about me, you know that I detest teenagers competing in Survivor. They're flighty, unfocused, immature, and should be working at the local DQ instead of wasting my time. In addition to not being old enough to drink, young Brandon is already a father. Condoms, children, CONDOMS!

This teenage baby daddy who works on oil tankers and cites Jesus as his personal hero also loves guns, hunting, and shooting things. Ok, that makes sense. His mission is to prove there's a softer side to the Hantz clan, but from what I can tell he's equally as hot of a mess as is trollish uncle. *thunder clap*

Let's check out what Young Hantz has to say for himself. Please to enjoy:

*yawn* I see nothing remarkable here. There may be some minor drama when Dimples outs him as one of Lucifer's kin, but, other than that, I'm hoping he's out quickly and the Hantz curse is finally put to rest... until the end of time - which, according to my calculations, is December 21, 2012.

Albert: The Pick-Up Artist

First up on our tour through the tributes of the South Pacific is Albert. Albert is a 26 year old baseball/dating coach and hails from the great state of Florida. His claim to fame, that he replays in his mind over and over and over again, is hitting a home run off of a guy who was a first round draft pick. To a sporty person, this might mean something. To me, it sounds like his bedsheets are covered in baseballs and catchers mitts.

Albert sounds vaguely like a cross between Al Bundy, the creepy uncle from Napoleon Dynamite, and Jimmy Fallon from that movie Fever Pitch. By the time he's 45 and nursing a hefty beer gut, we'll find him peering through the gates of his elementary schoolyard wondering where it all went wrong. How did the scrappy little kid who could round all the bases like nobody's business end up throwing speed dating parties at the local frozen yogurt shop? I don't know Albert. I just don't know.

Let's take a look at his video and see if we can learn a little bit more about this sporty matchmaker. Please to enjoy:

While I'm glad he's ready to embrace the ruthlessness part of the game, I'm sad he spent his youth traveling the country one Ramada Inn at a time lecturing greasy portly men on the intricacies of how to get laid. A villain he may want to be, but a villian he is not. There's an inauthenticity I'm picking up on and it has a lot to do with the fact that he's either violently swatting at flies the entire time or he's simply too nervous to keep his hands still. Shifty-eyes punctuated with flirtatious sneers will be Prince Albert's downfall. He'll be hard to trust and difficult to want to pal around with. He may do well in competitions, but his social game will leave a lot to be desired. Although, he could go the way of the Pretty Pony and move to Rhode Island (Redemption Island) early on and just never leave. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Battle Of The Mullets

Hey Bitches!

Since Big Brother has pretty much gone to hell in a handbasket, I'm impatiently counting the days until I can dive face first into the glittery world that is Survivor. Full of pretty ponies, strapping petticoated bucks, fluffy sprites, spiky villains, and pink pantied special agents, Survivor is, and always has been, my most favorite show to write about. Last season may not have been the best, but I think we made the most of it and created some very special characters for everyone to enjoy and throw spit balls at. With the Pretty Pony in all of his glory coupled with Phillip Sheppard working hard for his money and manning the nation's ports, a magical tapestry of storytelling was woven and I think we're all better people for it. Now when I yell "DEFCON 1!" out of my window, everyone knows to radio to Langley and stop, drop, and roll. You're welcome homeland security. *salutes and curtsies* You're welcome.

This week I'll start posting my notoriously inaccurate and unfair first impressions of the cast and I'll hope you'll join me yet again for another season of insanity. I'm renaming this new season... The Battle Of The Mullets. Why my lovely Shambo wasn't included in this 80's revival is a mystery to us all. I mean, come on, take a look at that lusciousness and tell me that's not love staring you right between the eyes.

So, stay tuned and bookmark this page bitches. Friend me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter for instant updates whenever I post a new blog.

If you're unfamiliar with my Survivor stylings, I invite you take a trip back in time and start with my very first Survivor: Redemption Island post. It's called 'I'm Stuck With A Bunch Of Weenies' and you can relive the magic HERE.

Love and other indoor sports,
Colette Lala