Thursday, September 8, 2011

Keith: Don't Touch The Hair!

26 year old Keith Tollefson hails from the great state of Minnesota and works as a water treatment tech. I think that's a nice way of saying he wades around in pee. I'm not sure. Anyhow, Keith is very proud of the fact that he graduated college and moved to Hawaii for two years. As an avid surfer, it was his dream to bum around the North Shore and catch some gnarly waves. I once went through a surf phase where I wore a lot of Roxy and used bikini tops as bras. I didn't actually surf, but I watched Blue Crush a lot so I think that counts.

Keith hates it when people talk behind his back and that makes me wonder if he'll ever read this blog. He also dislikes rude people and that makes me think he definitely won't be reading this blog. Let's check out his video and see what he has to offer:

Is he related to John Travolta and is that Eve's boob tattoo on his arm? I've got to be honest, I'm not feeling Keith too much. His hair is too distracting. I'm jealous of it's volume and poofiness. And did he say something about having to change his batteries every 8 or 9 years? That could be fun if he's a robot. A robot of a guy from Minnesota trying desperately to fill the mold of a surfer. Personality wise he's kind of a dud. I hope I'm wrong though because Staying Alive is my favorite movie and I'm chock full of Travolta quotes.

John: You Must Acquit

Harvard Law student John Cochran was born into his vocation. With a name like Johnny Cochran, you can't not be a lawyer. It's like a girl named Destiny not being a stripper or a guy named Jeeves not being a butler. Johnny Boy had no choice but to study the law and study the law he shall.

A Northern Virginia boy (holla!), Johnny describes himself as neurotic, insecure, and brilliant. *smiles* Bless you Johnny, bless you. I think we're going to have a lot of fun together this season. It's that sort of honesty and quirkiness that I embrace. I predict he's nerdy to the core, probably eccentric as hell, and I'm betting on an interesting mix of insecurity and narcissism that only a really smart yet insanely awkward person can deliver. Let's see if I'm right:

Yup. Nailed it. *rubs hands together* Delicious. I'm predicting clumsiness coupled with a resentful vindictiveness. It'll be interesting to see how he maneuvers himself within the game and whether or not he has the ability to mindfuck players within an inch of their lives. Good luck Johnny. You're going to need it.

The cast is looking up, don't you think?

Jim: Don't Bogart That Can, Man

This is Jim. You know what Jim does for a living? He's a medical marijuana dispenser and I am hereby renaming him "Mary Jane". Mary Jane has also worked on Wall Street and won over 40 poker tournaments. As poker players tend to be total dicks, my hopes are sky high for Mary Jane. Get it? "High"... I'm here all week folks.

Alright, I've got to see Mary Jane's video. Please don't let me down, please don't let me down...

You know what? I like him. I'm down with Mary Jane. Confident, spontaneous, big personality... that's the recipe I'm looking for. Now someone mix that into some brownie batter and let's party.

Elyse: Enchantingly Verbose

Next up is 27 year old Las Vegas resident and dance team manager, Elyse. Elyse was second runner up is Miss America and cites wet laundry as one of her pet peeves. She loves to bake cupcakes, amass useless trivia, and read memoirs. Leave out the cupcake part and we could be sisters. Tortured artsy female memoirs and biographies cover almost every tabletop in my house. How many books on Anais Nin one gal needs, I do not know, but I've got enough to wallpaper your basement.

If you drink decaf, Elyse wants nothing to do with you and if you're a pretty girl in ugly shoes... forget about it! Elyse will give you the hand and dance away. Apparently, pretty girls should wear pretty shoes. Does that rule hold true for ugly girls? Should they only wear ugly shoes? What if you're having a bad hair day and you've got a pimple on your chin? Do you have to break out the clogs and push the Jimmy Choo's to the back of closet? Elaborate Elyse! You can't just toss out a rule like that and not include the bylaws.

One of the words Miss Elyse uses to describe herself is "enchanting". Enchanting isn't a word you can appoint yourself! Enchanting is a word you let someone with a velvet smoking jacket and monogrammed loafers use to describe you. Alright, let's see how enchanting this Elyse chick really is:

And the award for most words crammed into 90 seconds goes to....

Jesus Christ. She's a piece of work, isn't she? I've never heard someone talk that fast and say so many nice things about themselves in so little time. This one we'll definitely have to keep an eye on. I'm not sure she's villain material, but she'll definitely be a stand out. This is the sort of big personality and confident demeanor I've been ranting about over and over again about on my Bitchy Big Brother Blog. She's exactly the type of person you want to see on a reality show. No way she'll be hiding in the shadows.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Edna: Wait And See

Next up is Edna Ma, a 35 year old anesthesiologist from Los Angeles. Edna cites Oprah as her inspiration and lists "going to new restaurants" as one of her hobbies. Hey, I like female billionaires and good food too so I guess I can't hate on that too much. Looking through her CBS profile, it's all pretty standard stuff. She wants to do Survivor for the experience, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity, she loves to travel, she's determined, yadda yadda yadda.

Under pet peeves, Edna lists "idleness, liars, and deception." For your sake, Edna, I hope that only refers to real life and not Survivor. If you look at Survivor's birth certificate, "Deception" is it's middle name and I, for one, like to wrap myself up in it like a fluffy lavender scented comforter. I'm looking for a bad ass female villain this season and so far I'm coming up empty handed. Could you be my villain Edna? I like the juxtaposition of a name like Edna for a ruthless villain. Let's check out her video and see if she's "the one":

Uhhh, ok. Well, she's definitely not the female villain I was looking for and I can't figure out why she talks. like. ummm. this. and. chooses. her. words. so. fucking. carefully. It's either nerves or she's an off the chart perfectionist scared to say the wrong thing. Also, why the caginess about her start-up company? Is it a secret? Is she peddling propofol on the side? These are things I need to know.

I think I'm on the fence with Edna. Something about her is wise-cracky and confident, but at the same time I'm extremely bothered by the fact that she says she's not a good liar. I'm going to put this one on my "wait and see" list.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Dawn: BYUpchuck

Today we meet the pious Dawn Meehan. Dawn is a 41 year old English Professor at Brigham Young University which means she's one of those freaky Mormons and probably related to an Osmond. When she's not grocery shopping with her sister wives and giving 10% of her income to her church, Dawn likes to bake bread and blog. Hey, me too! (not)

Dawn's pet peeve is brown grass and people who complain. As a professional complainer, I'm insulted. As someone who lives in a state that has had a brutal summer, my lawn is flipping her off right at this very moment. Dawn is the mother of 6 adopted kids, worships her husband in a disturbingly freaky manner, and is beginning to tick me off the more I read about her.

I'll be honest here, the second I read "Brigham Young" is the second my expectations went south. I am profoundly prejudiced against any group of people that believes gin is a bad thing and at the same time thinks it's perfectly normal to use the phrase "heavenly father" in everyday conversation. Let's check out her video and see if she's as annoying as I think she is:

Yup, she bugs me. It's the square-jawed, wide-eyed, freshly-scrubbed Mormon thing coupled with the fact that she told me a story about swallowing her own vomit at the precise moment I was taking a bite of my very late lunch. I'm worried she could pull a Crazy Pants (Holly) and we'll never get rid of her. Hopefully, the young guys will take one look at her and kick her to the curb at the first tribal council. We'll just have to wait and see. I'm not sensing any awesome Kristina Kell bitchassness in her, but who knows? *shrugs shoulders* Maybe a gin-free life of do-gooding has repressed her to the brink of a full blown hedonistic meltdown. Perhaps there's an evil sorceress just dying to get out of that shiny soccer mom exterior. Fingers crossed.