Thursday, September 22, 2011

I Call Her 'Poverty'

Temptation is her name. Dancing in the wind, shaking her maracas, flagrantly flaunting her... appendages. Oh woe is the man tortured by this evil seductress who dares to poke her head out of the burlap sack she was given at birth. Did she not get the "Vile Menstruating Woman" handbook upon exiting her mother's birth canal? We all got it! Mine is right here on the dresser. It sits in between the Q'uran and I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. But damn these ties that bind! Literally, ties. When I tuck myself into bed at night and knot the knots of my wooly burka tightly around me, it's next to impossible to read the next chapter of the handbook. The bloody nubs that were once my fingers are tired from knotting, tired from praying, tired from trying to break free and tear holes through my itchy cage. Such is the life of a woman! Don't look at me, don't! I may cause you distress. Just a glimpse of my hair blowing in the breeze or a hint of my bare wrist in the sunlight and you could find yourself spontaneously bursting into flames. Turn away ye innocent menfolk! The stirring in your loins, the slow descent into madness... it's not worth it. Not worth it! Let's recap, shall we?

We continue our South Pacific tale on Rhode Island (Redemption Island). This tiny state without electricity or running water is dark, dank, and buzzing with insects. A lone civilian, sniffling and wiping away tears, makes her way through the thick of night. It's Hoops (Semhar) and the emotion of the moment is so powerful, so moving - she must, MUST, write a poem about this...

There once was a woman named Hoops
Words fell from her mouth like poop
They don't rhyme or make sense
Maya Angelou would be incensed!
I'd like to choke her with a noose called "Loop"

The poet laureate of Samoa, folks. Next stop, Nantucket!

Back in the peach infested city of Savannah (Savai'i), the weary travellers are returning from their first Tribal Council. They were not prepared for the brutality of it all. One man, however, is grateful. Our spindly law student, Cochran, adjusts his giant glasses and thanks his tribemates for having faith in the genie. Sure, they now intend to rub him all night, but it's a consequence he must endure. The hands and fingers carressing freckles in the moonlight - so unfamiliar, so primal. His innocence may be lost forever, but the fighter within trudges on. He'll push his insecurities and the whispers in the night from Nurse Jackie (Mark) back into the recesses of his mind. He came to play a game and a little nighttime mass molestation will not stand in his way. If he has to endure a little wiley monkey love from Ozzy, then so be it!

Speaking of Ozzy, he has an admirer in the Energizer Bunny (Keith). While in the background Cochran is being tossed back and forth like a rag doll between Whitney and Elyse, Ozzy and Energizer Bunny are busy planning for their next Immunity Challenge. They think Cochran might be good at puzzles, but, more importantly, Energizer Bunny is just happy that he's made a friend and a partnership with Ozzy. Ozzy knows the ins and outs of the game. He knows how to throw poo at onlookers, but he's also strong and a threat. It's a conundrum that Energizer Bunny is very well aware of. In the meantime he'll nurture his alliance with Ozzy, but he'll also watch him like a hawk. You can't be too careful with a poo flinger.

A new day dawns and over at Impala (Upolu), Coach and Edna are taking a midmorning "get to know ya" walk. They reminisce about that first day when the rest of the tribe abandoned him like a new infestation of the plague. Edna giggles charmingly and says she couldn't have left him to carry his bags all alone. Just a sidenote, a dragon slayer is a heavy packer. There are swords, armor, chess pieces, D&D handbooks, mint-in-the-box Battlestar Galactica figurines, chokers featuring a wide array of animal teeth, and scrunchies. Lots and lots of scrunchies. It's impossible for a man without a bellhop to carry all of that by himself. So what once seemed like a lost cause to Coach is now beginning to look up. He has a solid alliance (Sophie, Rancher Rick, Hitler's Nephew, Albert) and this Edna character seems nice enough. He tells her that he really wants to know if anyone has the Immunity Idol. Maybe Christine Jason Leigh has it. She was digging all day yesterday. They definitely need to keep their eye on that Christine Joel Osment and see if she seems overly confident or has a suspicious bulge in her bike shorts. The conversation ends with the these two fast friends making an alliance with one another. Edna promises to always be loyal and the Dragon Slayer promises to protect her from ogres and knights on black horses.

Back at Savannah, Cochran 2.0 is busy keeping his promise to his tribe. He'll do his chores before he's asked, he'll put his dishes in the dishwasher, and he swears he'll walk the dog before he settles in to play World Of Warcraft for the rest of the night. On the one hand his mother would be so proud, but on the other hand she'd clutch her pearls and cling to the banister in horror if she saw him whacking away at a coconut unsupervised. Before Cochran left for the South Pacific, while packing his ironed underthings with his name embroidered neatly inside, his mother made him promise - NO UNSUPERVISED MACHETE WIELDING! Listen mommy, new Cochran doesn't adhere to those rules of yours. Out of sight, out of mind, lady! You think playing with a machete is bad? Try spending the night sandwiched in between a soccer mom with unstable hormones and a queen from New York who likes it rough. Little Johnny is a man today, mom. He's tasted the forbidden fruit and there's no turning back. This genie/man is here to stay. Now, did you pack his inhaler or not because this humidity is brutal!

So while Cochran is busy offering up his juicy coconuts to the rest of the tribe, Ozzy grabs a spear and sneaks away into the jungle. Under the guise of fishing, he'll take a quick look-see for that pesky Idol and perhaps this time around he'll actually get to use it and save himself. Monkey Boy leaps effortlessly onto the trunk of a tree and using nothing but his toes, tail, and fingernails he climbs up to the canopy and surveys the scene looking for anything amiss. One tree in particular looks a little sneaky. With an untrustworthy tangle of branches at its base, Ozzy swings up on it with one arm and shimmies himself to the top. There, in a crevice between two branches sits a giant rock with a neon sign on it. It blinks furiously: THE IDOL IS HERE! THE IDOL IS HERE! And... bim, bam, boom - Ozzy has found the Hidden Immunity Idol.

After a brief celebration that curiously consisted of an Irish brogue, Ozzy stuffs the Idol down his shorts and flings himself from branch to branch looking for a new hiding spot for it. He spies a very similar hiding spot to the original in a neighboring tree and decides to stick it there. I thought this was a strange choice as a clue for the Idol still lurks and I would think it would allude to a location up high... in a tree... in between two branches. *shrugs shoulders* It'll be pretty funny if someone other than Ozzy finds it in the new spot. I'll hold onto the promise of that and hope for the best.

Back at Impala, a tender moment between two men is taking place. Coach and Hitler's Nephew are palling around talking about how they kept stealing the blanket from each other last night. Naughty boys and their pillow fights! Oh giggle, giggle. Young Brandon likes the Dragon Slayer. He sees something in him that he can look up to: wisdom, experience, honor, integrity, a deep-seeded fear and hatred of scantily clad women (maybe?). He could certainly go far with a man like Coach by his side to guide and inspire him. There's a slight problem though. As a God-fearing Christian (who calls his uncle Hitler and gets "puta" tattoed on his ankle), Brandon is wrestling with the fact that this man he so admires is the nemesis of his evil uncle, Lucifer. To keep his family name a secret would be hypocritcial, no? They've become such good friends over the course of the past 72 hours and clearly they have the same goals in life - burkas for everyone! (maybe?) - that it would be ungodlike not to just spill the hereditary beans.

With a machete in hand and a head full of bible misquotes, Brandon yanks Coach into the trees and says, "Wanna see something cool?" He lifts up his shirt to reveal a tattoo in a childlike scrawl - LIL HANTZ. He points to it and says, "It says LIL HANTZ." Why, thank you, Captain Obvious. Lil Hantz pulls his shirt back down over his shoulder and continues walking. Coach stands perplexed for a smidge and then runs to catch up with him. "Wait, that's not your last name is it?", he asks. Brandon nods and replies, "I'm Hitler's Nephew. Keep it on the DL." Coach quickly tucks his Star of David into his ponytail and laughs uncomfortably to himself. He pauses to take in the news as all the memories of Survivor yesteryear came flooding back in a flash. He had one of those "Man of God/Honor/Integrity" deals with Lucifer - not unlike the one he has right now with this punk kid - and he paid for it dearly. If this news was meant to comfort him, it didn't. It scared our Dragon Slayer.

Brandon assures Coach that he has nothing to worry about. He told him about the hideous tattoo on his shoulder because he trusted him. If it bites him in the ass later on down the road, then so be it. But, for now, he feels good about it. As a matter of fact, let's pray on it, shall we? Oh heavenly father, we thank you for this day. We thank you for bringing this shifty-eyed punk kid into my life who has no talent whatsoever in choosing which fonts to place on his body. Could he not have chosen a nice Helvetica or maybe even a simple Arial? In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

Over at Savannah, Elyse is standing on the beach with her arms raised to the sky asking her Native American ancestors to make the fish jump out of the water and into her arms. I had no idea that this was how the Cherokee caught their fish. As I'm half Mexican and feeling a little peckish - Oh great ancestors from beyond, taco, stat! Hmm. It didn't work. I can't possibly understand why. Mary Jane (Jim) watches Elyse from the shore and knows that no matter how loud she yells or how grand she waves her arms, those fish aren't leaving the sea unless you go in after them so he calls down to the marina and reserves a fishing boat for that afternoon. A little boys day out fishing is in order right about now. Sure, Ozzy and Energizer Bunny were already paddling out on the boat, but Mary Jane is convinced that had he not made those reservations, this trip would be a no go. He's a 200 time poker champion I'll have you know and if there's one thing poker champions know how to do, it's organizing fishing trips.

What Ozzy and the Bunny don't realize is that this fishing trip isn't just an innocent boys outing. Oh no siree bob! It's all a giant ruse for the very complicated and intricate 3+2-6x254+18a squared plan. Don't try to understand it and don't even bother whipping out your calculators. The 3+2xpi divided by the radius of the coconut shell plan is too advanced for mere laymen to understand so just trust that Mary Jane knows what he's doing. He does own two medical marijuana dispensaries after all. All you need to know is that the '3' refers to Mary Jane, Ozzy, and Energizer Bunny. The '2' refers to Elyse and Whitney. Add that up and that makes 5. There are 5 golden rings. Shake up those rings and spill them out like, what? Right, Yahtzee. Yahtzee is played with dice. Poker is played with cards. Cards, a house of cards, house, garage, laundry room. Laundry, something that smells. Pot also smells and there you have it. 3+2=5 and that means a pot dealer will win the game. Duh. It's so easy I can't believe only an 18,000 time poker champion is the only one to come up with it.

So Mary Jane is convinced he has this game mapped out to the end. He pitches the 3+2 plan to the other boys (conveniently leaving out the rest of the plan that ends with a pot dealer winning) and Energizer Bunny nods and agrees. Now, what Mary Jane doesn't know is that Energizer Bunny and Ozzy already have an alliance that doesn't include Miss Mary Jane at all. That's ok though. He'll just let Mary Jane go on thinking he's the mastermind and the architect. If all goes according to Mary Jane's plan, Cochran, Dawn, and Nurse Jackie should be the next ones going home. I don't know. The best laid plans... they never ever ever work out, do they? If it can endly badly for Reese, it can end badly for anyone.

Over at Impala, I can't believe my eyes. Actually, men, blindfold yourselves please. Mikayla is walking on the beach in a tank top and I don't want any spontaneous "emissions" getting you boys in trouble. You see, Mikayla is one of those wicked temptresses I spoke about in my opening paragraph. She plays football in her panties, she likes to roughhouse with the boys, and, this harlot is brazenly walking around flashing her bare knees to the world like there's nothing wrong with it. I know, I know, I'm horrified. I feel your pain, men. Go ahead and plan your fatwas. Girls like that give us all a bad name. I am ululating in protest as we speak.

(painting by Phil Holt)

Unfortunately, young innocent Brandon with MUERTE DE LAS MUJERES tattooed on his stomach doesn't have any blindfolds to protect him. This Mikayla seductress traipses around the camp unsupervised without a care in the world. Brandon is a married man! He can't be around good looking fit women in public places. He could trip and fall and his penis could accidentally end up in her vagina! No, no, no, this isn't acceptable at all. This innocent young Christian boy who once slammed kids into their lockers just for fun shouldn't have to put up with these daily temptations. Temptation began all the way back with Eve in that garden she lived in. How did Adam handle it back then? Surely, he voted her out, right? So while clutching a peach colored fruit with ferocity and sucking the fibers and juices out of it, Brandon begins to plot Mikayla's exit from the game.

Meanwhile, Christine Fawcett Majors is hatching a plan of her own. Now, she's not sure if she's a target or not, but she'd feel a whole hell of a lot better if she had that Immunity Idol in her back pocket to use in case she needed it. Since no one else is bothering to look for the clue, she takes it upon herself to scour the beach. Like Spacey (Stacey) before her, she stumbles onto an odd looking tree with all sorts of nooks and crannies. I don't think it was the same tree Spacey had found last time (I do think Spacey had the Idol in her hand and then walked away from it), but this tree was almost as good as the other one. Right there, nestled in a crevice, with two bright green leaves acting as flags, sat the Hidden Immunity Idol Clue. Christine Dawn Chong opens the clue and it reads something like this: It's somewhere around here. Well, good luck with that Christine Louis Dreyfus.

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! 4 members of each tribe have to dance around the maypole while the other 4 stay locked in a Brady Bunch prison. Once the ribbons are untangled, a key ring will be released. Using those keys, one tribe member will unlock the other 4 tribe members who will then work together moving very heavy crates back and forth across a platform until they can release the largest one. First tribe to get their large crate onto their finished platform wins Immunity and Reward. Want to know what you're playing for? Why it's a fetching collection of pillows and blankets! As Impala has one extra member they sit out that sprite Edna. On the pole for Savannah is Cochran, Dawn, Whitney, and Elyse. On the pole for Impala is Spacey, Sophie, Christine Lou Henner, and that whore Mikayla. Survivors ready, go!

Since nymphs and sluts are used to dancing around the maypole, Impala crush the bejesus out of Savannah. Cochran got tangled in the ribbons while Dawn fretted about her meatloaf. Meanwhile, Mikyala flung off her boy shorts and weaved her pantsless self around the pole like a nymph in heat. Brandon didn't know whether to cheer or repent. It was chaos I tell you, chaos!

With a ginormous lead, Spacey takes the key and unlocks those Brady kids. Brandon tries to push down his bobbing penis as the men then burst through the cage and go to work on the crates. Dawn eventually loosens the key for Savannah, but the kids are late for band practice and little Timmy can't find his shoes. She fiddles with the key like a, well, like a mom screaming for Calgon to take her away. And, why is she wearing a billowy full length skirt by the way? Have we not addressed her completely inappropriate attire that can easily become tangled in, umm, EVERYTHING! Eventually, this walking accident hands the keys off the Elyse and the rest of Savannah is free.

Both tribes are now working on the crates, but the '3' part of the 3+2 times the ratio of the amount of THC in sativa to the amount of THC in indica is much too powerful for the Impalas to withstand. In a complete blow out in which the Impalas lose their sizable lead and the Savannahs smoke them, so to speak.... SAVANNAH WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at Impala, the mood is bleak. Coach congratulates the women for kicking ass while Brandon carves DIE HORE into his arm. Christine Bonham Carter wishes that the men had been lighter on their feet and wonders who they're thinking about voting out. Coach's plan is to flush out the Idol if it's been found. His alliance will vote 3 for Spacey and 3 for Christine Jacob Astor. That remark Christine Saint Laurent made day one about Coach being "temporary" really bothers him (just like when Franchesspiecesca made the same mistake last season) and he'd like to see her go sooner rather than later.

Brandon, however, isn't convinced. He confesses to Coach that he has his doubts about that infidel Mikayla. He's faithful to his wife and he can't have that pantsless harlot running around showing her ears and shoulders to him. Any number of things could happen out there in the wild. She could fall head first off the top of a tree and land with her mouth wide open from screaming right into his penis! Or she could get her ankle caught up in a vine and go flying forward with her pinky finger erect and slam right into Brandon's awaiting rectum. The amount of accidental penetrations that could take place in this unforgiving landscape are too numerous to count. As a man of God, Brandon just can't take any chances. Coach nods and listens and says, "Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh.", but his inner monologue was more like, "This kid is nuts!"

Brandon then takes it upon himself to try and convince everyone to get rid of Mikayla. A public stoning would be ideal, but he'll settle for them writing her name down on a piece of parchment paper instead. Sophie is immediately suspicious and wonders that if he can get rid of Mikayla so easily, will he get rid of her next? Coach enters the conversation and tells them all that they need Mikayla for the next competition. It's too early to get rid of her now. Sophie agrees and says they can very easily get Mikayla to vote out Christine James Olmos tonight.

Speaking of Christine Knight Pulliam, she's watching out of the corner of her eye wondering what the hell the others could be talking about all gathered in a group like that. What do you think they're talking about Christine Higgins Clark? They're talking about you! Mikayla, with her boobs and her legs and her nose and her EVERYTHING!, pops out of the woods and joins the conversation. Coach, sensing some preejaculate from Brandon, asks Mikayla to please give them some privacy. Spacey then wanders up and the whole group disperses. Christine Marie Presley sees little Edna standing all by herself so she approaches and asks her who they were talking about. Edna fidgets with some twigs, tries to hide her eyes, and say, "Oh umm we were talking about Sophie." Christine Abdul Jabbar looks at her sideways and says, "No you weren't. Sophie was with you. You better get your story straight!" Edna frantically looks around herself for an escape route while trying to stop the red from creeping up to her cheeks. Man, she wasn't kidding when she said she couldn't lie. What Christine Pinkett Smith should have done was taken that opportunity to ask Edna everything under the sun. Edna is like when they drugged Alex on Nikita with that truth serum stuff. I'll bet she would've given the formula to that nether region numbing business she's trying to start if asked.

Brandon continues his anti-Mikayla bar tour and tells Christine Elizabeth Mastrantonio and Spacey that he's voting out Mikayla. Spacey was all like, "Hell yeah!" This whole Mikayla business could save her hide and she knows it. However, Christine Allen Poe is suspicious of Brandon. Voting Mikayla out right now makes zero sense and she can't make heads or tails of it. Why she and Spacey don't join forces and discuss how they're going to vote is a mystery to me. As we're about to see in Tribal Council, it's every man for themselves.

And now we arrive at Tribal Council. Coach is ready. His hair is brushed. His skin is oiled. He's heard a rumor on the wind that Chrstine Hartman Black and Spacey plan on voting out Mikayla and he's not too thrilled about it. He'll settle this puppy tonight. Tribal is where he thrives. It's a take no prisoners kind of season and I, for one, am thrilled. Bring it on Coach!

No dilly dallying. No muss, no fuss. Let's get right to it. Coach says immediately how he's heard that Christine Curtis Chapman and Spacey plan on voting out Mikayla. Flood gates, would you kindly open please? Thank you. "Oh no I didn't, you jive talkin' turkey!", "What the hell you talkin' about?", "I never said that.", "You betta gitcho mem'ry checked!" *smiles to self* Dimples and I both almost tinkled with excitement and it's awhn bitches!

Christine Cougar Mellencamp isn't nearly as thrilled as I am as she rolls her eyes and dreads being a part of the Coach Show. Spacey continues to deny that she ever said anything about Mikayla and demands to know where this information came from. Albert jumps in and says that it would be a breach of Coach's honor and integrity to reveal his sources. LOL I love that logic. Sounds like something I would say.

While this is all delightful and hysterical to me, one man sits knowing that God is looking down on him right at this very moment. He's a guilty man with a conscience as thin as the skin on an old lady's hand. As the sound of women bickering makes poor Brandon all hot and bothered, he raises his hand and confesses that he told the women to vote out Mikayla. He's probably one of those guys that thinks once you confess, all is forgiven. I don't care what he thinks. I just love that his conscience constantly raps on the inside of his skull and reminds him that one day he'll be judged for all of his wrongdoing.

Alright, let's get to the vote. By a narrow vote of 1-1-3-4 (sounds like a Mary Jane plan!), Christine Ann Moss is the second person voted out of Survivor South Pacific. So, what did you guys think? Will Coach forgive Brandon? Will Brandon "accidentally" plant his seed inside of Mikayla? Will Hoops write a poem about this? Comment it out bitches (feel free to share any Hoops poetry in the comments) and have a great day!

As is refusing to update it's photo section in a timely manner, many of the pictures in today's blog were shamelessly stolen from the Survivor Seasons Facebook Group. Thank you kindly for your service to our country.