Thursday, September 29, 2011

Keep Me Outta The Drama

God. Survivor's 19th player. In Nicaragua, He was kind and forgiving. Whether under the cover of night or in the daytime's gentlest breeze, He whispered to the Pretty Pony (Matt Elrod) with words of encouragement and even held his hoof through his darkest hours. Well, it's one year later and the South Pacific isn't Nicaragua, bitches. This year's God is angry and vengeful. He's had one too many beers at the company picnic and now He's looking for an ass to beat. Lie and that knowing glare of His beats down from above and invades your very being. No New Testament-y puppy petting God here, folks. This is an old man with a beard, finger pointing in anger, thunder dancing all around Old Testament God. All of those filthy dirty thoughts swirling around your head and nether regions that you thought were secret, aren't. You think just because you're in another time zone than Texas that God can't see you? Well, think again. God has watched you fantasize about undressing Mikayla with your teeth. He's seen how you look at her with lust in your eyes and drool on your t-shirt. Repent ye of weak heart, repent! Those sins of the flesh you replay in your mind all day and all night will not go unpunished. You can count on that. Let's recap, shall we?

The night is thick and the moon is high. Swatting at the trees and cursing under her breath, Christine Romijn Stamos makes her way to Rhode Island (Redemption Island). There, in a rickety hut of twigs and stanzas, sleeps the poet laureate of the South Pacific. For crying out loud Christine Michael Murray, don't wake her! As Christine Thurman Hawke is about as dainty as a bulldozer, she bellows, "Hello?!" and up rises Hoops (Semhar).

Did I hear a bel-low?
Are you wearing yellow?
Come lay here, it's mellow.

Oh Jesus. Christine Flynn Boyle just sort of stares at Hoops and wonders if madness is a byproduct of Rhode Island. Is this like a Cast Away thing? Will she be talking in iambic pentameter to volleyballs at the end of 72 hours as well? Christine Thorne-Smith nods politely to Hoops and then launches into a tirade about that fat old Coach not liking her and being the reason for her demise. Really Christine Lee Jones, really? It had nothing to do with that snarky, "They're only temporary players." comment you made on minute one, hour one, day one? Come on! Even Ozzy wouldn't let a comment like that go unpunished. You're the only reason you're stuck in the Land Of Limericks, not Coach.

Over at Impala (Upolu), the tribe is returning from their first tribal council and boy was it a doozy. Some members are just happy they survived it while others are more confused than anything else. Evil temptress Mikayla is perplexed why Brandon hates her so. She works hard, she contributes, she keeps to herself, she slowly stretches one tan leg after the other while straddling a giant tree trunk with her boy shorts clinging to her ass like they were painted on... what could she have possibly done to anger the young country bumpkin?! Speaking of Brandon, he was 150% sure that Mikayla was going home so the fact that she's still slithering around camp in her tank top is freaking him out like you wouldn't believe. Saying your 150% sure about anything is just silly. That's like saying your eleventeenth percent sure about something. I'll bet Brandon just assumed that as the all knowing, all powerful, 19th player, God would just smite Mikayla from the game with a flick of His wrist and that would be that. Brandon never imagined that God would actually allow that harlot to stick around. Woe is the game that tempts his innocent soul! He's only been there for 4 days and already he's turning into to his evil uncle. Brandon wanted to lead by example. He wanted to be someone to look up to. Instead, he's all tangled up in this garden of devils and can't figure out how to break free.

A new day dawns and with that our first Rhode Island duel. Coach and Spacey (Stacey) are there to represent Impala while Ozzy and Elyse are there for Savannah (Savai'i). Our contestants march in and apparently all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Hoops back together again cuz she looks pissed. Christine David Chapman was more like, "Ugh, can we get this over with so I can continue scrubbing the sonnets off the sides of the hut?" Dimples, however, is in a chatty mood and he wants to know all about what goes on at Rhode Island. Luckily, Hoops has penned a haiku about it.

Rhode Island nightmare
Alone with my poetry
Suicidal, yes

So, there you go. Hoops doesn't care for Rhode Island one bit.

Today's duel will require concentration and balance. Players will place a wooden totem on top of a pole. At regular intervals they will add another section of pole making it more difficult to keep stable. If your totem falls off, you're out of the game forever. Survivors ready? Oh wait, hang on, Hoops is poetizing again...

Rhode Island, what have you done to me?
The bones of my body belong in a cemetery
Dance, I can no more
Won't somebody please come knock on my door?
I will have all 10 of his babies
He doesn't have to know I have rabies
Forever my secret
Forever I'll keep it
What you call foam at the mouth
is my art - my north, my south
Word vomit
Step on it
Ja-ja-ja jam it on the one
Shoot it with a gun
Nonstop, prolific
I can't get no more specific
Calgon, take me away
To another time, another day

I think she's done. Oh wait, nope...

And then for my boo
I give you my word poo
Abracadabra, tada!
Next season should be in Grenada.

Ok, I think we can start now.

Enchilada, empanada
I will be your beef tostada

SHUT. UP. For the love of all that is holy, shut up! Roses are red, violets are fuck off and shut up. Shall I compare thee to a shut up? Gather ye shut ups while ye may. Please go gentle into that good shut up. O me, O life - shut up!

After Dimples stifled his giggles and Coach managed to bang his eyeballs back down from inside of his skull, the duel finally began and apparently there just aren't enough rhymes in the world to keep Hoops in this game. Whatever entity or spirits she hoped to invoke ran away and hid in the corner instead. In their place a violent gust of wind took over and toppled her totem pole to the ground. Tumble, tumble, down, down, down. Like her pole, came the tears. Tumble, tumble, down, down, down. All she can do now is wear a frown.

Plop, plop
My tears won't stop
Abandoned by my tribe
I can only continue to scribe
Never mind the fact that I suck at challenges and can't put coconuts into a basket.

I'm going to go on record and that say that that poem wasn't one of her best. The last line didn't even rhyme! Loser. So, after giving Christine Dice Clay her feather pen and beret, Hoops sauntered off into the distance to where, I hope, there's an olden timey oven and a copy of The Colossus waiting for her.

With Mother Goose gone from the game, let's check in on how Lil Hantz is doing. Over at Impala, God is giving young Brandon one hell of an ass whooping. "I chastise thee! Now go clean up that paint in the garage!" It wasn't pretty. Unshaven and shaken, Brandon stared into the flames of the fire wondering what he can do to make his family love him again. He lied. On national tv, in the game of Survivor, he lied and the Hantz clan is probably ripping up his birth certificate as we speak. With the flames of the fire reflecting in his eyes and the sweat dripping down his back, Brandon makes the decision to take off his shirt right then and there in front of everyone. He doesn't want any drama, but can everyone please gather round and check out all his Hantz tattoos? This one says LIL HANTZ. This one over here says PERRA. That one on his lower back says HANTZ FO' LIFE. The one on the back of his neck for some reason says HATZ. This one on his ankle says HANTZ WEAR NO PANTS. And this enormous long horn on his chest? Well, nevermind that one. That's just the symbol of a god he used to worship. It's not "Hantz-ian" in origin.

After Brandon is done giving a tour of "Tattoos I Got From A Drunk Guy", he announces, "My name is Brandon Hantz. I'm Russell Hantz's nephew. I'm not the same person that he is." Clearly. Russell knew how to play Survivor. You don't! Coach just sort of smacked his own forehead while Sophie sat and said, "Why does that one say HATZ?" Spacey tells him it's all water on top of the bridge and I sort of scratched my head at that one. Meanwhile, Mikayla is sick of Brandon's excuses and apologies for everything. Every time he gets himself into hot water there's another tattooed excuse for why he did what he did. "I tripped during the challenge because I'm LOCO", "I told a lie because my last name is HATZ. I mean, HANTZ.", "I want to ride you like a goat, Mikayla, because there's a goat on my chest." Enough! Look, I've got a tattoo of a gin bottle on my ass and you don't see me using that an excuse. Wait, what?

Over at Savannah, the scene is very different. Sun God Ozzy emerges from the sea, a net in one hand and a speared shark in the other. "I've brought sustenance for ye beautiful people!", he announces. Whitney, Elyse, Keith, and Mary Jane (Jim) all run to the shore and dance around him in a circle. They throw flower petals in his path and crown his luscious locks with a string of posies. Meanwhile, Nurse Jackie (Mark) sits alone in his hammock and observes the scene from a distance. Camp life is good, but the pecking order isn't at all in his favor. You see, there are the Beautiful People and the Not So Beautiful People (Nurse Jackie, Dawn, Cochran). The Beautiful People have hair that blows in the wind. The Not So Beautiful People have hair on their backs. The Beautiful People glisten in the sun with their pecs and their breasts. The Not So Beautiful People bury their heads in the sand and fear more freckles. This clear divisiveness worries Nurse Jackie. He's knows it's only a matter of time before his name comes up for discussion. For some reason though, he's just not clicking with the people of Savannah. Back at home, he's the life of the party. He's the sassy snarky head nurse of All Saints Hospital. But here, in the South Pacific, he's just an older gentleman where the sands of time don't runneth in his favor.

While Nurse Jackie is sitting all alone being sad and contemplative, Ozzy thinks he has a true brother friend in the Energizer Bunny (Keith). As a matter of fact, he thinks they're so close that he'll go ahead and tell Energizer Bunny that he has the Hidden Immunity Idol. What happened to keeping that a secret?! *smacks self in head* Ozzy made such a fuss last week about not telling anyone and here he is a couple days later telling someone. Dummy. So, Ozzy pulls Energizer Bunny into the woods and tells him, "I have the Idol." The Bunny replies, "Ah, sweet!" and then goes and tells Whitney. After mumbling some profanities to herself, Whitney says she's surprised Ozzy told the Bunny anything at all. The Bunny replied, "He has to tell me to let me know he has all the power." Uh, not really. In Ozzy's defense, I don't think that's where his head was at, but, hey, if the Bunny's misinterpretation of everything makes Ozzy a target, then who am I to put up a fuss?

Back at Impala, Mikayla wants to know why Brandon doesn't like her. With visions of breasts dancing in his head, Brandon tells her "it's the attitude". It's this, right here, this. This woman approaching a defenseless penis wielding man in the middle of the woods where dicks can slip and vaginas can open. Womens can't do that! They can't just be all breastiful and have legs and such. Wiping the drool from his chin and silently reciting baseball statistics, Brandon stutters, "Before me doing anything, people didn't trust you." Pants on fire, sir. Pants on fire. There you go doing that lying thing all over again. If it weren't for Brandon's weird psychosexual mental torture, Mikayla has pretty much been a non-issue so far. She's not all that talkative, she's not making plans, and we all saw how she can barely defend herself at tribal. She's not awful nor stellar in the challenges so far. She's pretty middle of the road as far as the game is concerned. Never mind the fact that she's actually in Brandon's alliance. She's on your side, buddy. Or, she was on your side until you blew it and put a huge target on your back because the poor girl dared to bare her shoulders in the daytime.

Well, Brandon will settle this once and for all. As a meek Christian who turns the other cheek and as someone who hates drama and public gatherings and tattooed show-and-tells, can everyone please gather around? "This here womens person, Mikayla... luscious milky breasts.... Umm she axed me whys I don'ts like 'er... ride this bitch like a bull... And I just wants you to know that ... squeeze me tight with those thighs, hot damn!... She attacked me like a bulldog. I'm a married man... unfortunately... and, Mikayla, look around... at my big juicy weiner... because it looks like you don't have much of an alliance. Anybody has anything to say? Big titties! Respect me. I hate drama. Ride me cowgirl!" Rancher Rick stood mute picking his teeth with a stick while Albert stared out of the corner of his eye and wondered what the hell is going on here. Coach smacked himself in the head again and made a note - "Buy duct tape at the Survivor store for Brandon's gigantic trap."

The only one to really "get it" was Sophie. She sees exactly how Brandon identifies Mikayla as this evil temptress whore of Babylon while at the same time is blindly following a religion he really doesn't understand all that much. Not to mention that his blood line is rich with asshole-ish-ness. Sophie knows what's up. She knows Brandon is a loose cannon. Meanwhile, Mikayla is off by herself crying. Crying! Isn't she a football player? On the one hand, I want to defend her because Brandon is a giant misogynistic douchebag, but on the other hand, defend yourself harlot! Don't let that little troll turn your tribe against you. You're smarter than he is. Come on! I'm stunned she stood there and took it and then, AND THEN, went off and cried about it. It's not like we're dealing with a master debater (maybe a masturbator though) here or anything. This is a guy who gets TACO tattooed on his forearm. It's all very disappointing, Mikayla.

Meanwhile, Brandon is also crying. With tiny bits of sand and ash stuck to his face, he's crying for his flesh. It got a hold of him again and made him lose his temper. If his Pop Pop told him once, he's told him a thousand times - Don't lose your temper! Oh wretched flesh and lust and boobies. This constant battle between good and evil torments young Brandon day and night and all he can do is beg God not to let him sin anymore. There are so many things wrong with this kid and, believe you me, his last name is nowhere near the top of that list. Clearly, he did something super shady back at home and it's constantly haunting him. I would be shocked if his juvenile record isn't as long as my arm is.

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. One person from each tribe will run across a floating bridge carrying a bodyboard attached to a long rope. One you reach the platform, you'll grab a bag and hang on as the rest of the tribe crank a giant wench pulling you back to shore. Once you have all five bags, the remaining tribe members will use grappling hooks to retrieve them. Inside the bags are puzzle banners that must be correctly arranged into a big scary face of the gimp from Pulp Fiction. The winning tribe not only gets Immunity, but a coffee/tea kit. Survivors ready, go!

The challenge begins with Brandon and Ozzy racing into the water. For Savannah, Dawn Dawn the soccer mom was controlling the rope while Cochran and Nurse Jackie were cranking the wench which immediately made me scratch my head and go, "Huh?" If you start to pay attention to how Savannah strategizes and who they place where during the challenges, you'll begin to wonder if it's all just a big ruse to start getting rid of people. We've had two challenges involving puzzles yet they've put Cochran nowhere near any puzzles. Makes you wonder...

Ozzy has some trouble at first trying to get enough rope from the wiggedy whack team back on shore so the Impalas gain a tiny lead. In round two, Albert loses their lead when the Impalas eff up his rope and Dawn actually manages to pull ahead. For round three, the Impalas send out Mikayla and somewhere Brandon buried his head in the sand. By the time all the bags are retrieved and we get to the grappling hook part, both teams are neck in neck. Coach and Edna are working the hooks for Impala with Elyse and Whitney doing it for Savannah. As I'm sure Coach has grappling hook practice right after samurai sword class and right before his teachings of the Buddha lecture, Coach nails all 5 bags and IMPALA WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at Savannah, Cochran is hard at work trying to convince everyone that they're still the stronger tribe. As a member of the Not So Beautiful People, he knows he's in trouble, but telling a bunch of losers that really, deep down, they're the stronger team seems sort of futile. Glistening Sun God Ozzy doesn't like it when his tribe's morale is low, but someone's gotta go and that someone won't be Dawn. In actuality, Dawn was the one who screwed up the rope and fell off her platform. And if we're really nitpicking here, Ozzy made plenty of mistakes including losing his own board. Considering both teams got to the grappling hook part at roughly the same time, pointing fingers at Nurse Jackie and Cochran is kind of irrelevant. I think they would have had a much bigger lead with Elyse or Whitney in Dawn's place and Ozzy not making so many freaking mistakes. But, alas, the Beautiful People have the majority and that's that.

Nurse Jackie knows he's on the chopping block and he's not happy about it at all. He blames it on being put on, what he calls, the "Barbie & Ken Team". Maybe there's some truth in that. Over at Impala if you're a sexy young gal, you're labeled a whore and have stones thrown at your head so, sure, maybe Nurse Jackie is onto something there. Anyhow, Nurse Jackie is perplexed why he and Cochran are the ones in trouble. Well, maybe it's because you sit around in your hammock all day judging everyone? *shrugs shoulders* It's just a guess. At least Cochran is making an effort to matriculate. He's not entirely successful at it, but at least he's trying. Look at Mary Jane. He's not all that young and "beautiful", but he squirreled his way into that 3+2+ the square root of a coconut alliance right in the very beginning. Why Nurse Jackie didn't cozy up to one of the girls is a mystery.

Meanwhile, Mary Jane is telling his crew that he wants Nurse Jackie to go. They all agree and decide to tell Nurse Jackie that Cochran is the one going. Upon hearing this, instead of being happy he's safe, Cochran is annoyed that his name keeps getting brought up at all. He wonders if maybe he should do some scrambling and I wonder what the hell is going on in his head. They tell him he's safe yet he contemplates campaigning? I don't get it. Word eventually gets back to Nurse Jackie that he's safe and he's immediately suspicious. Not for one second does he believe those hooligan kids. None of them will look him in the eye and when he confronts them about Cochran leaving, they say, "Oh because he was gonna be the first one last time." *makes a 'W' with fingers* What-ever!

Nurse Jackie decides to take matters into his own hands and go hunting for the Idol. It's the only way he'll be able to save himself. Elyse sees him races into the woods so she runs back to camp to tell the others. She asks if anyone wants to join her to spy on him and Energizer Bunny and Ozzy just sort of look at each other. Since Mary Jane has no idea that the Idol has already been found, he follows Elyse into the woods. They see Nurse Jackie on all fours digging hole after hole after hole. No rhyme or reason - just digging willy nilly. Now, if you've watched the show for the past, oh I don't know, 4 or 5 seasons, the Idol is always hidden in or behind some sort of landmark like a tree or a bridge or a rock. Poor Nurse Jackie was like the fat kid in Stand By Me digging for his jar of money. He never did find the Idol, so instead he made a fake one and shoved down his boxers. He emerged from woods with a strut and a smile and hoped it was enough to fool everyone.

Now we arrive at Tribal Council. Dimples immediately starts in on Cochran because last time he came dangerously close to being voted out. Cochran believes that since then he's proved himself both at camp and in the challenges. He may be the smallest guy on the tribe, but he can yank a wench with the best of 'em. Dimples asks Cochran if perhaps he's slightly defensive in life. Cochran doesn't think so and everyone laughs. Dude, Cochran, own it. If you're going to be an attorney, being defensive is half the battle.

Dimples asks Nurse Jackie what he thinks about Cochran and Nurse Jackie says, "Physically, he'll be a danger to himself." I think that's a polite way of calling him a clutz, but I could be wrong. The conversation continues and Nurse Jackie is clearly bothered that Ozzy has emerged as the leader and he hasn't. No offense, but when you tell your tribe to call you "Papa Bear" on day one, it's a little hard to emerge as a leader after that. And, let's get real, the vet is always the leader. They've been through it before and, unless you guys are smart enough to get rid of him week one, no one else will ever take that spot away from him.

Nurse Jackie mentions how the Beautiful People are in charge and running things to which Soccer Mom Dawn says, "I don't agree with that." Mary Jane jumps in and says that Nurse Jackie has it all wrong. Oh, come on! First off, Mary Jane is the shadiest guy out there. How anyone can trust a guy with shifty eyes who smiles all the time is a mystery to me. There's nothing creepier than a smile that doesn't reach your eyes. Energizer Bunny should have been tipped off last week when Mary Jane was so hell bent on being the orchestrator of the 3+2+2 marijuana dispensaries times pi plan.

In the end, Nurse Jackie was right. The Beautiful People are running things and Nurse Jackie is the third person voted out of Survivor South Pacific. How long do you think the Beautiful People will stay intact? Will Impala ever team up and get rid of Brandon? Will Cochran manage to get rid of Ozzy before the Merge? Do you have any Hoops poems up your sleeves? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!