Thursday, October 6, 2011

Scrambling Like Scrambled Eggs

Sonja Morgan said it best when she peered through her lazy whiskey eyes and declared, "There is a pecking order." In New York, in life, and even in the South Pacific, a giant chicken in the sky sits and waits to peck us all off of our pedestals one by one by one. You, the tiny shy one, buk buk buk b'kaw! You, the spindly nerdy one, buk buk buk b'kaw! And down tumble the weak and feeble. Not so fast Chicken Little. When you have a soldier of God marching around with "GUACAMOLE" tattooed on his shin, pecking orders get shuffled, friends become enemies, lying is verboten, and the tangy taste of tears taints even the juiciest of fruits. This carnival of chaos, this house of mirrors if you will, is officially open. Come one, come all. Today's special is scrambled eggs. Grab your bibles and your pitchforks. Let's recap, shall we?

For the sake of today's blog, I took a very scientific approach in choosing Elyse's new nickname. I plugged her full name into the Native American Name Generator and it pooped out Makawee Liluye which means "Mothering Singing Chicken Hawk That Soars.". In the interest of brevity, Elyse will henceforth be known as ChickenHawk. Too bad her name isn't Colette Lala though. Mystic Young Beaver has a nice ring to it. Naturally, I expect each and every one of you to tell me your Native American Name in the comments.

We continue our South Pacific nightmare on Savannah (Savai'i) where a gentle breeze blows and a wide-eyed ChickenHawk (Elyse) stares in awe at our glistening sea god, Ozzy. "Were you always so big and strong and outdoorsy?", she coos. "Uh, no", he replies. She whispers, "Really? Wow. How did you pick it up you big strong sexy hunk of man meat?" Meanwhile, lurking creepily in a nearby tree sits Mary Jane (Jim). Through blank eyes and a toothy grin, Mary Jane wonders if perhaps there is more to the ChickenHawk/Ozzy friendship than he initially thought. Maybe they're tighter than the "3+2-an ounce of the finest Northern Lights this side of Amsterdam" plan. ChickenHawk was always supposed to be peripheral eye candy. She was never meant to be inside the circle of trust. Mary Jane buffs his teeth with a cloth soaked in Clorox and decides he has no choice now but to plot her demise. He can't do it alone though. He'll need a partner.

Enter Cochran. Standing in the leaves being mistaken for a twig, Cochran. Mary Jane approaches and reveals how he thinks Ozzy might be secretly targeting him in effort to appear "invaluable" to the tribe. It's a flimsy reason crafted out of thin air, cotton candy, and dreams. Ozzy is already invaluable to the tribe and it has nothing to do with whether or not Mary Jane is in the game or back at home dealing weed to all those damn hippies. Cochran doesn't trust Mary Jane as far as he can throw him (2 inches), but he likes hearing other people's names come up for discussion and ChickenHawk is as good a name as any. Mary Jane's grand master flash plan is to get rid of ChickenHawk and cripple Ozzy. Apparently, ChickenHawk is the calcium in Ozzy's bones and without her he'll be reduced to using a walker with tennis balls on the bottom of it for the rest of his life (and a Rascal for long distance traveling). Cochran and Mary Jane engage in some gentle sparring and a deal is made. Mary Jane gets to call himself an architect for another few days (alright, Costanza) and Cochran gets to slither his way out of the Not So Beautiful People group. It's a win-win.

Over at Impala (Upolu) an ominous bell tolls in the distance. Ding, Dong, Ding, Dong. A bat flies out of the belfry as young Brandon sits in the smoke of a dying campfire dwelling on the game he's voluntarily put himself into. It all seemed so innocent on TV - so godlike and so fun! But now, here, in it - its nothing but balls of fire, thorny women, and a feast of lies. After much contemplation and prayer, Lil Hantz has decided that from here on out he will play the game of Survivor free of lies and deception. His mission now is one of truth, justice, and the American way. First things first, Brandon has to undo all the evil he's already done. First up is an apology to Mikayla. "I let my loins, I mean temper, get a hold of me. I shouldn't a done that." Mikayla nods quietly to herself and blames Brandon's behavior on his famous uncle which makes about as much sense as playing football in your underwear.

Brandon crosses "Apollagize to that hore" off of his list and then heads off to make amends to another unsuspecting victim. It's that tiny sprite Edna sitting all by herself in the hut. Brandon sits across from her, takes a deep breath, and says, "I know I'm screwing this up for myself, but you should know that the people you trust hate you and want you dead. Sorry you had to hear it from me. Friends?" Edna blinks a few times and responds, "So I'm not in an alliance of 6?" Already feeling the goodness well up inside of him, Brandon exclaims, "Nope!" He waves goodbye to a weeping Edna and skips off into the distance. Once alone, he crosses "Crush Edna's sole" off of his list. This "being good" stuff is a piece of cake. God must be super proud of him now!

Over on Savannah a very strange basket of bathing suits arrives along with a tree mail telling them to send two people to Rhode Island (Redemption Island) to witness the duel. I call the basket o'suits "strange" because, and correct me if I'm wrong, haven't the Survivors always had bathing suits to wear? I realize my memory is about as accurate as all of Mary Jane's clients, but I swear I've seen Survivors in bathing suits before. Anyhow, everyone's got a spankin' new suit and poor soccer mom Dawn is beginning to feel the weight of her age. I'm not sure why a flattering pair of boy shorts makes her feel older than a Warren Jeff's skirt does, but, hey, to each her own.

In the meantime, Mary Jane is busy coming up with another looney smoke and mirrors plan to make the Impala's think that the Savannah's are weak. It's has something to do with the Pythagorean theorem and the price of cheese of Wisconsin. Who knows? Ozzy half listens to what Mary Jane is saying then stretches catlike and yawns, "No strategy. Chill out bro." ChickenHawk giggles and smacks Ozzy on the ass. "Oh you!", she exclaims. Dawn catches Ozzy mocking Mary Jane and wonders to herself if maybe "No strategy" really means "Yes strategy". Her no muss no fuss hairdo is telling her that Ozzy has probably been strategizing all along. He just doesn't like it when others strategize. You could be onto something there Dawnie Pooh.

And this brings us to the big duel at Rhode Island. It's Christine Rachel Wood v. Nurse Jackie (Mark). We have Brandon and Edna representing Impala and Cochran and Mary Jane representing Savannah. Before the battle to the death can begin, Brandon has some business to take care of if you don't mind. "Christine Marie Combs, I'm a man o' God now and I'd like to 'pologize fer my behavior. I played ruthless but I've turned over a new testicle, I mean leaf. I hope you do well." Young Hantz smiles to himself and begins crossing off "Tell that old lady I feels bad" from his list. Before he can finish, Christine Ian Black says, "I don't know if I buy it." Like Joan Crawford discovering a wire hanger in the closet, Brandon's lips go thin and the list begins to crinkle in his hands. Edna slowly shifts away while Brandon tries to nonchalantly hide the steam coming out of his nose. Oh dear. Looks like we're back to square one.

For today's duel, players will toss sandbags onto crates. The first person to successfully get one bag on each of the ten crates will live to see another day. The losery loser gets to go home. Survivors ready, go!

The bags begin a' flying and both players land their first crate. Christine Michel Basquiat shoots flawlessly up to her fifth bag while Nurse Jackie began screwing up at bag two. Toss, toss, toss, Nurse Jackie finally begins to make some headway, but in the end it was too little too late. CHRISTINE PATRICK FLANNERY STAYS ALIVE!!!

We bid you adieu Nurse Jackie. The odds were never in your favor when you ended up on Savannah. You probably would have lasted a hell of a lot longer had you been on Impala. Sorry buddy. Laters. And uh, shoot some scrips my way when you get a chance.

Back at Impala, Edna has decided to take it upon herself to win her way back into the tribe's good graces. With a smile on her face and a song in her heart, she tries to wrestle the shirt off of Rancher Rick's back in an effort to wash it. "You want me to wash it? I'll wash it. It feels stiff. I should wash it. Here, give it to me. Scrub, scrub, scrub - that's my middle name! Tee hee hee. And later, sucky sucky!" A wave of secondhand embarrassment washed over me as I watched Edna flit back and forth making coffee, giving manicures, polishing grains of sand, and laughing at unsaid jokes. Spacey (Stacey) and I looked at one another and just shook our heads. Coach, however, finagled a massage out of it all and I'm willing to bet there was a happy ending involved. Good for you Coach!

So while Rick was getting scrubbed and Coach was getting rubbed, Spacey said more words than I've ever heard her say in the history of Survivor South Pacific. Please to enjoy: "It just lahk ricocheted an' ran an' the girl go awn an' awn an' awn an' awn. D'she have a off switch? Ah don't think she have a off switch. She nee' ta be disconnected. Dat wut she nee' ta be! Dis-co-nected." Spacey, where have you been all my life? That was beauteous.

Meanwhile, with her broken 'off' switch, Edna moved to the water and is now sucking on the teat of Mikayla. Sure, she had to fight Brandon off with a stick, but she got there and now she's going to milk it for all it's worth. Pun intended. "Are you a model? What do you model for? TV, print, books, magazines, porn, movies, sides of buildings, what? Tell me. You're on the cover of things? That's so cool! I'll have to go look for it. Oh my god, I should get your autograph. It's neat when models do model-ly things cuz I could never be a model, but you're a model and wow I can't believe I know you. For real! Sucky sucky?" I'm sad we missed the conversation where she pestered Rancher Rick on how to kill a buffalo, but if I use my powers of imagination I think it would go something like this: "Oh my god you killed a buffalo? Really? That's so cool! What did you kill it with? Did you give it a name? If I could name a buffalo, I'd name it Sparky. Isn't that funny? Sparky. Haha hee hee! How many bullets did it take to kill Sparky? Did he cry? Oh my god did you make hamburgers out of him? I'll bet those were delicious. I only eat birdseed and blades of grass, but that sounds yum. Take me hunting with you one day, Rick. Sucky sucky?"

Over at Savannah, Cochran has finished the complicated math equation of 1+1=2. It is numerically impossible for him and Mary Jane to get ChickenHawk out of the tribe with only two people on their side. They need to pull in others and that batshit crazy lady running around clipping coupons and getting the kids ready for the talent show looks like a good possibility. Cochran tells Dawn that he doesn't think Mary Jane is ready to get rid of Ozzy just yet. Dawn whispers, "ChickenHawk!" And there you go. Cochran and Mary Jane now have a third. Only, don't tell them that 3 is less than 4 (Ozzy, ChickenHawk, Whitney, Energizer Bunny (Keith)) or else tonight's meatloaf could get burnt. But hey, it's a good start. The scales of justice are slowly beginning to tip in the underdog's favor.

And now we arrive at the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge three members of each tribe will stand with a pole across their shoulders. In each round, weight will be added to that pole. The decision about which tribe member gets that weight will be made by the opposing tribe. When the weight becomes too much to bear and your pole drops, you're out of the challenge. Last person standing wins Immunity and a Reward of live poultry for their tribe. Survivors ready, go!

For Impala, we have Lil Hantz, Albert, and Spacey. For Savannah, we have Mary Jane, Energizer Bunny, and Dawn (huh?). Both tribes start by targeting the strongest: Albert and Energizer Bunny. Brandon and Mary Jane get picked next with Spacey and Dawn picked last. With the magic of television, time elapses and Brandon and Mary Jane quickly acquire over 200 lbs each. Faces grimacing, leg shaking, this is clearly a "Who wants it more?" challenge. But hark! Is that an ass shelf I see? Shoulders schmoulders! Spacey is taking the "bootay" route and resting that pole right on the junk in her trunk. And it's not booty, it's bootay I'll have you know. I like big butts and I cannot lie...

Poor Energizer Bunny has a bum ticker and a small ass so it's no surprise that he falls first. What was surprising, however, was the quick exit of Albie. I figured with his chesticles, he'd breeze through this and be the hero of the day. But alas, it wasn't meant to be. Kaboom! Buh bye Albert. I was sad to see him fall, but I was also thrilled to witness his anger. "Dammit! Dammit!", he bellowed. That's the most we've heard out of Albert all season! Time ticks on and bootay master Spacey seems to have things under control, but Mary Jane and Brandon are struggling. Mary Jane can't stop growling and I think all the weight has made Brandon a few inches shorter. Spindly Dawn begins swaying in the wind and I'm pleasantly surprised by her determination.

The weight continues to grow and like dominoes the last of the men are out. We're now down to Spacey and her badonkadonk and Dawn and her... uh cardigan and knee high socks. I figured with Spacey's caboose we'd be here til next Tuesday, but it wasn't meant to be. If you hadn't seen it for yourself you wouldn't believe me, but DAWN WINS IMMUNITY!!! Wow. Victory well deserved, lady. Now, when's dinner gonna be ready?

Back at Impala, the mood isn't all that sparkly, but Spacey is confident. Her ass kicked some ass in that challenge and there's clearly no reason to keep that chatterbox birch twig Edna around, right? Coach gathers his team in the locker room and delivers a moving speech of inspiration, "Let's not get down. We'll uh keep our heads up and we'll live to see another day. Onward and upward. Be aggressive. B-E Aggressive. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. (Oh Sheila) You're in good hands with Allstate. Break!"

Spacey may be confident, but Edna is not. A little tiny voice on her shoulder is telling her that there is a chance she could be going home tonight. She turns to Spacey for advice and Spacey looks at her like she has 3 heads and a tail. Good thing for us Spacey is about to air her grievances, "Edna is awn a easter egg hunt! She is scrambling like scrambled eggs in a hot skillet right about now. Whatdyou think? You ain't tawked ta me since day one! Now all of a sudden you wanna tawk to me!" At home I said "Hmm mmm, you go girl." "And them bones, bones, bones, skeleton too much, you can't win with all bones. Too many bones." I'm not exactly sure what she was saying there, but I waved a lighter back and forth anyways.

After some deep thought Spacey decides she "gotta lie to kick it". I think that translates to "mess with these triflin' fools heads". And mess with them she does! Her target is the saintly young Hantz. In one swift motion, she tells him to watch his back and that his alliance isn't all it's cracked up to be. Brandon panics and asks, "You mean Sophie, Albert, and Mikayla?" Spacey stands in stony silence. Well, that's as good as a "yessiree bob" as far as Lil Hantz is concerned. He runs to Coach and reports that their alliance is imploding. They're all plotting! Mayday! Mayday! Coach smacks himself in the head and, in a very un-Coach like way shouts, "Stop it! Just stop it!" *giggles* It was awesome! Things like common sense, logical thinking, and connecting the dots prove to be way too much for Brandon to absorb so he gets up and walks away from Coach, but not without leaving him with one last little dig. Brandon asks, "Tell me, how many people have screwed you the past two times you played this game?" How dare you! See, now if that were me, Brandon would have been history. Not only was it a slimy thing to say, but it reeked of untrustworthiness. You can't trust people who have digs in their pocket ready to throw at you. Coach should have slit his throat right then and there. I really hope that keeping this punk kid around doesn't screw up Coach's game. For an alliance based on trust, it looks more like a colander than the Prudential Rock Of Gibraltar.

And now we arrive at Tribal Council. Spacey defends her performance in the challenge while Coach nods in agreement and says she has the "warrior spirit". The conversation turns to strength and I kind of hoped someone would flick Edna into the fire with their fingertips, but instead Sophie talked about physcial strength versus strength in numbers. Now, I don't know if Dimples was bored with the way the conversation was going, but he started questioning everyone on what they find most annoying in one another. It was weird and unnecessary. The only thing accomplished by it was getting Albert and Rancher Rick to say a couple of words. Other than that, not a fan of the word games, Dimples.

When it came Mikayla's turn to speak she said that Brandon was a "good boy", but he's got that evil Hantz blood running through his veins. First off, wake the fuck up Mikayla. I mean, seriously. Your career is knocking people down with brute force. Why are you so squirrely when it comes to sitting around the campfire? Is it the flames? Is it Dimples? Is it that story about the golden hand? Tell me!

Thankfully, the flames don't make young Brandon clam up. As a matter of fact, the flames are a reminder of all the evil he's witnessed. Burning, burning, smoldering evil. Fire and brimstone evil. The fiery embers glow and out comes Brandon's word vomit. In the form of tears. Hurray! "Temptation. I love my uncle with all my heart. Boobies. I'm proud to be a Hantz. Sucky sucky. I just want to be someone that God is proud of." *sniffle sniffle* Seriously kid, you've got issues.

After a vote I don't entirely agree with, Spacey is the 4th person voted out of Survivor South Pacific. So, what do you guys think? Should Edna have been voted out instead? Will Brandon eventually turn on Coach? Can Mary Jane and Cochran reel in any more new alliance members? What's your Native American name? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!