Thursday, December 8, 2011

I Spit On A Million Dollars!



Dreams. Those fibrous threads we try to cling to in the night. Those highfalutin megamogul monstrosities we jot down in our visualization journals. Dreams give us purpose, something to grapple towards. Maybe it's a lover in a pirate shirt, maybe it's a job with six figures, or maybe, just maybe, it's to play the world's greatest game and became part of our pop culture lexicon. Whatever your dreams may be... stroke them, fondle them, nurture them and then pray to God that a giant uncircumcised penis doesn't come along and take them all down like Tokyo. Just as quickly as dreams can be dreamt, they can be crushed. Crushed like crackers, smooshed like spiders, flushed like goldfish. We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams, but, you know, just be sure to hide your sheet music and dream catchers from sloth-footed monkey boys. Let's recap, shall we?


Through the jungle thick where the insects sing and the predators lie in wait, a gangly bespectacled lad approaches the gates that read "WELCOME TO RHODE ISLAND" (Redemption Island). All shoulders and concavity, our unlikely hero nudges a mass of sleeping curls and hiccups, "Hey Ozzy." With a swish and an eyebrow raise, the night air fills with "I told you so's". "Cochran, Cochran, Cochran," sighs Ozzy. "The only way to avenge this heinous act is to vote for me to win," he declares. Cochran smooths a wrinkle out of his sweater vest as he tries to hide the crimson anger creeping up over his cheeks. How dare Ozzy just assumes he'll lose the duel?! For all Ozzy knows the duel could be two middle aged women sitting in chairs waiting to be massaged. Pfft!

The next morning at Tuna Tartare (TeTuna), amidst the wandering flies and diminishing spirits, Rancher Rick is slow roasting a sock to perfection. They're out of food, the fish aren't biting, and sometimes, just sometimes, a Hanes will have to suffice. A dirty faced Lil Hantz looks on glassy eyed as he prepares the morning prayer. Once all of the "in Jesus' name we pray" have organized themselves just so, he calls his fellow brethren in to take part of what appears to be a daily ritual. Look, let's cut the crap, shall we? What if a Jew was on that tribe or *gasp* a Muslim or, let's say, a level-headed atheist who breaks out into hives when confronted with weirdly unabashed religious people? It's not the fact that these chuckleheads pray that makes my ass twitch, it's the fact that everyone else on that tribe is blindly going along with it. You can't tell me that Sophie, Albert, or even Rick prefaces every move they make in their lives with a goddamn prayer. If one day Sophie awoke and said, "You know what Brandon, today I prefer to pray alone." and then scurried off to meditate or do some sun salutations by herself. In the spirit of Christianity she'd be heave ho'd out of that tribe faster than a blink of an eye. Brandon wasn't requesting everyone come join prayer time. He was demanding it. Just once I'd like to see someone say, "You're not the boss of me!"


So Brandon summons the sheep and all come a'runnin' - all except Edna. Since Edna is number 6, she's suddenly lost her religion. Or, maybe she never had it in the first place and was just kissing ass to stay in the game. Who am I to say? Suited up in her sensible single-breasted blazer and hands firmly pushed in her pockets, tiny crumb Edna stands alone while the tears begin to fall. She feels duped. She feels like a second class citizen. Look Rosa Parks, you're not a second class citizen. Sit your ass firmly down in your bus seat and refuse to give up. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't there still an Immunity Challenge around the corner? Stop assuming you're going home. Stop expecting others to carry you to the end. Fight to win and secure yourself your own spot in the final three. Survivor is deception or... at least it used to be back when it was good. Nonetheless! This isn't a handholding game to the million. Now go nibble on a coffee bean and find whatever miniscule spark it is that you have within you to fight. Tree Mail! Harness your chi. Visualize a positive outcome. Hey guys, tree mail! Tony Robbins once said, "Beliefs have the power to create..." GUYS, I SAID TREE MAIL!!!

Oops. Sorry Edna. We have to cut this short. Uh, good luck and don't let the man get you down or whatever. It's Sprint family phone time!



The tribe pushes dust particle Edna into the ground where she gets lost in a pile of leaves and rush to surround the new Sprint phone. As I am not on Sprint's payroll, that's the last you'll hear about them from me. With a few pushes of some buttons, we see glimpses of Rancher Rick's cowgirl, Edna's nano-sister, Sophie's dad, Albert's mom, Coach's brother, and Brandon's father. We'll see more of these strangers later, but, for now, it's time to duel.



It's a duel of opposites. On one side we have sexually potent Ozzy who's impregnated every crab from here to Seoul and on the other side we have a spindly fop who's probably allergic to wheat. For today's duel, Survivors will use grappling hooks to retrieve three bags. Each bag contains a ball and when all the bags have been retrieved, you'll use one of those balls to solve a table maze. The winner stays alive while the loser is out of the game for good. Survivors ready, go.


The challenge begins as Cochran grapples his own foot and dangerously wraps the rope around his own neck. Meanwhile, Ozzy throws with precision and starts reeling in bag after bag after bag. Sensing Cochran's struggle, Albert shouts pointers from the rafters and our ginger underdog begins to make some headway. Nails in mouth and straw in gin, I watched with bated breath as Ozzy used his sizable lead to slowly maneuver his ball through the table maze.



Not so fast Sperminator! What's this? It's Cochran and he's all caught up! He hurls his ball into the table and with some herky jerky shoulder dips, slides that bitch on through towards the final hole. *peers through hands* Ozzy's heart begins to beat a little faster as it dawns on him just how embarrassing it'll be to lose to a string bean like Cochran. Maybe it was pressure or self doubt, but Ozzy's ball falls to the ground and now he has to start over. *throws glitter in the air*



Cochran, perhaps filled with an overwhelming sense of relief and anxiety, also fumbles his ball and it's back to the start for him too. *clutches pearls* The tunas are freaking out, my gin is almost gone, and it's a matter of millimeters separating these two men. Millimeters, people! Cochran has no time to waste as he swings his table maze back and forth, back and forth. He's at the end, the ball is there... just one gentle little nudglet in and... PLOP! The ball, like so many other things in life, fall into the wrong hole and *UGH!* OZZY STAYS ALIVE!!!

Still, with the excitement and the experience coursing through his veins, Cochran is thrilled to have just been there. He got to hear Dimples say "Come on in guys!" and he was actually one of those "guys". I get it. I get the majesty of it all. I, too, would tinkle a little if Dimples ever said, "Lala dominated that challenge!" (Let's face it, that's totally what he'd say to me while he draped a necklace of hermit crab shells around my neck as I won Individual Immunity for the 6th straight time.) So despite the mistakes, the hiccups, and the loss, Cochran is grateful and psyched that he got to live out his dream. He came into this game awkward and unsure of himself and now he's leaving it still awkward, but filled with a little thing called pride. The pride of a man who did what so many people probably told him he couldn't do. Enjoy it Cochran for now you enter the world of reality groupies. They have faces like muffins and more cats than any one person should ever own, but they're out there. Godspeed.



We bid adieu to Cochran, but we say hello to blood. Blood relatives, that is! First up is Sophie's dad, Thurston. Thurston! Sophie embraces him and then firmly tells him that she wants fresh made banana bread. Well, I want gin flavored lip gloss, but we can't all get what we want now, can we? Edna's sister Debbie sprinkles in next and seems alarmed by the Edna before her. Maybe it was that "SECOND CLASS CITIZEN" sign Edna hand stitched onto her button down shirt. *shrugs shoulders* Then we meet the fabled Pete Wade. I don't know why he's fabled, but Dimples seems shocked that Coach actually has human kin. Maybe, like me, he expected a knight or ninja to come riding in on a horse. Next up is Katie, Rancher Rick's wife. *dims the lights and puts on some Barry White* Bowm chicka wow wow. Rancher Rick embraces his cowgirl and begins to knead that ass! Squish, squish. Right up the crack. Right in there. Save that diddle for later cowboy. Albert's mom Annie trots in next and *yawn*. Whatev. She unfortunately got sandwiched between an ass grab and a freak show. Luck of the draw I guess. Finally, we have Shawn, Russell Hantz's brother and father to the weirdo kid we've gotten to know over that past 85 weeks. They cry and embrace in silence and it's odd. Very very odd. Question marks popped up all over the place as I tried to imagine how many pickles Shawn has gotten Brandon out of, how many dead bodies are buried on the outskirts of their land, how many babies have their college tuitions already paid for...

Now Ozzy has a big decision to make. He gets to choose three Tunas to spend time with their loved ones. Ozzy goes ahead and chooses Albert, Coach, and Brandon. Are they going to circle Samoa on a yacht? Do they get to enjoy a feast at the base of a waterfall? No. They get to go with Ozzy back to Rhode Island. What?!? Why? First off, that just flat out sucks as a Reward. Secondly, why is Ozzy involved at all? Why does he get to hang out with the Tunas? It's unfair and possibly game changing. I don't like it one bit.



Of course my suspicions were right. I can smell a lie like a fart in a car just like I can sense when something hinky is afoot. Once at Rhode Island, Coach wastes little time ushering Ozzy into the shelter where he tells him that the two of them plus one more would be the perfect final three. He cements the deal with an "As a Christian man...". Apparently, if you encounter Coach in a back alley wielding a sword, wearing a Zorro mask, and he says to you, "As a Christian man I'll only pillage a smidgen of your village", you can totally trust him. Personally, I think it's too dangerous to take Ozzy to the end, but Coach has the warrior spirit whereas my spirit is one you might find in a bottle. If he's going to win this game, he wants to win against the best. I, however, would take Edna and then resurrect the poet laureate Semhar and make her haiku muttering ass sit next to me at the end. Who cares how you win a million just as long as you win it!


So while Coach was busy making warrior deals, young Brandon was regaling his father with tales of how his Christian ways will impact the entire Survivor viewing public. "Daddy, I'm telling you, Imma gonna change the way people think about the world. I spit on a million dollars!" The color slowly drains from Shawn's face as he asks, "Then what are you here for?" Whacko Brando replies, "I'm here to set an example for Christ bro." To set an example for Christ. Christ, that ne'er-do-well who goes cow tipping at night, steals from his parents change drawer, and thinks lascivious thoughts about half naked women. Yes, if anyone in the world needs a lesson on morality, it's that troublemaker Christ. To look at Shawn while he was listening to the mad rantings of his lunatic son was to watch the mental wheels spin, the brainy cogs and pistons pumping and lubing (or whatever it is they do) into action.

With Brandon fancy free and leaping with the Lord, Shawn sighs to himself and knows what he has to do. He's done it before. Oh, so many times before. When that Mathlete was found behind the gym with a black eye and his underwear over his head, when the choir girl had her maidenhead stolen away after the Christmas pageant, and when the neighbors Yorkie turned up pawless that one time... Shawn did what any dad would do. He greased some palms, kept it out of the court system, and shipped Brandon off to yet another high school.

But here, out on an island in the South Pacific, there are no other high schools! This is it. Not only is Brandon wasting the opportunity of a lifetime, but now he's a Calvinist to boot! "Everything is predestined, " he assures his father. Knowing his time is running out, Shawn kicks it into high gear and does what no other family member has done to date - he plays the game. Sensing that Coach is in somewhat of a leadership position, Shawn pushes and cajoles for him to take Brandon to the final three. Under the guise of handshake, he slips some twenties into Coach's hand and gives him a look that says, "There's more where that came from." What Shawn doesn't realize is that this isn't Coach's language. Something should have been dipped in blood and a sword definitely should have been involved, but a fistful of sweaty greasy money just reads as icky to Coach. Now, had Shawn brought some papyrus, some Sun Tzu, or maybe Tai Chi'd with Coach in the sunlight, a legitimate deal could have been made. Instead, Coach just felt a little dirty all over and then laughed to himself as he realized that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree after all.

And now we arrive at the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge Survivors must keep moving across a giant puzzle board. When you land on a puzzle piece, you flip it over, and then it's out of play. When you're stuck with nowhere to go, you're out of the game. Survivors ready, go!

The challenge begins with a metaphor - Dimples making a Coach-like metaphor about how the decisions you make early on in this here little challenge can effect the outcome of the game - like in Survivor! Tada! Dimples receives a nod of approval from the dragon slayer himself. Those nods aren't easy to get I'll have you know so when you get one, wrap it up and save it for later. I, myself, have received a nod from Coach and that little love nugget is sitting in a hand carved mahogany box under my bed, but I digress. For the most part, the challenge is uneventful. Flip, flip, flip go the pieces. Yellow to purple. Buh bye Albert. So long Rick. Later Sophie. It's a civil display of sportsmanship until, of course, Brandon gets knocked out and then whispers with the softness of a jackhammer, "DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? I WAS TRYING TO GET EDNA OUT!!! WE CAN CONTINUE WITH OUR PLAN TO SEND HER HOME CUZ THAT'S WHAT JESUS WOULD DO."

Through stutters and hands like crinkly tissue paper, Edna talks about missing some beach meeting early on in the game and how that's the reason she's where she is in the grand scheme of schemes. *vomits* Oh, excuse me. Did I get any on you? Edna, doll, stop blaming everyone else for your lot in life. Get your head in the game, win, and then you have nothing to worry about. In case you haven't noticed - this challenge was built for you... YOU! Nothing heavy to be lifted, no races to be won, no hills to climb. Just step here and here and here. Why, it's almost as if the challenges were shuffled with YOU in mind. *sigh* With tiny fists of anger and little poots of steam burping out of her ears, Edna's agitation was too much for her to bear and COACH WINS IMMUNITY!!!



Back at Tuna Tartare, Edna goes back to doing what Edna does best - being everyone's water bitch - like that will save her now. She toils and boils and filters and bottles. Frantic and shaky, she quenches the tribe's thirst while they all sit and glower in Brandon's direction for being such a dick back at the challenge. Rancher Rick shakes his head with disapproval and we begin to get an idea of exactly where his moral compass lies. Ass caressing - A Okay! Kicking a defenseless puppy dog - bad news bears. I agree Rancher Rick. A little ass caressing never hurt nobody.

Perhaps getting a sense that his tribe is less than pleased with him, Brandon apologizes to Edna and hopes that she appreciates how transparent he is. Like that makes it all better. It doesn't work like that Brandon! Apologies don't absolve you of your sins. Edna equates it to cheating on your wife and then buying her a diamond necklace to make it all better. I see her point, but what if the diamonds are like really really really big? Never mind. So Edna isn't buying what Brandon is serving and instead she uses his cockamamie logic against him. She marches right up to Coach and tells him that the honor and integrity he preaches day in and day out cannot be found in one, Mr. Brandon Hantz. Finally! See, this is what I wanted Edna to do all along. Like Cochran, she doesn't have strength on her side, but she has logic. The only problem is she spent a little too long wallowing around in all that self pity when she should have been planning her attack. Waiting until the 11th hour is cutting it a smidge close.


Coach is intrigued by everything Edna has to say, but for some reason the fear is that Brandon will go to Rhode Island and beat Ozzy. Really? That's the fear. Weird. So Edna continues her "Brandon Sucks" bar tour and now she makes her appeal to Albert and Sophie. She's making all of her bullet points, she's heavy handed with the "honor and integrity" arguments, cites Mikayla as a victim of Brandon's lunacy, and even offers to eat a piece of poo if she has to. That last little nugget aside (nugget, ha!), I get what Edna is saying. The honor and integrity thing is a farce at this point. Being chained to a loose cannon just because weeks ago you promised to be loyal isn't honor or integrity. It's bitchassness is what it is. Honor and integrity would be to dump his ass and get him into Bellevue the second they have a bed available. A little Depakote/Thorazine cocktail never hurt anyone... much. In the end, Coach advises Edna to go to Tribal Council and see if her arguments have influenced anyone. "Wait and see" is risky, but what else can she do?

And that brings us to Tribal Council. Immediately, Edna launches into the problems with Impala's (Upolu) mantra. You can't have honor, loyal, and integrity with a court jester like Brandon running around pointing at girl's boobies and humiliating harmless wispy women for no good reason at all. Brandon listens with heavy eyelids and says that Edna has probably misconstrued everything he's ever done and said in this game. Dimples bursts out laughing, throws a rotten tomato at Brandon's head, and then pulls out a flow chart outlining all the times that Brandon has lied, humiliated, and weaseled his way through this game. Again, Brandon apologizes. That's all he needs to do you know.

"I'm sorry."
*doves fly overhead*

Sophie declares that today is the day loyalty ends and I was sort of pumped for an upset, but it wasn't to be. Edna is the 14th person voted out of Survivor South Pacific. So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Who will be number 5? Will Edna beat Ozzy in the duel? Can Coach win against Ozzy in the final three? How badly do you think Rancher Rick's wife's ass is bruised? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! If you've enjoyed what I've done here this season, I ask that you please click on my PayPal button and show a bitch a little love.