Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Pleasure Dome

Father God, oh Father God, I beseech you to guide and protect me through the act of writing this blog today. In Jesus' name I pray. Heavenly father, no offense or anything, but why are you such a camera whore? I mean, seriously. You created the heavens, you created the seas, you created the mountains, but that wasn't enough for you, was it? Now you have to poke your giant bearded head into all of my shows and wave your craggly finger around in all of our faces. Stop it, just stop it! You're probably like, "It's not my fault. Those Survivors keep paging me!" to which I say, "I guess you have a point", but still... Surely you're busy sometimes, right? I mean, you can't possibly be everywhere at once all the time or... can you? Ughhhh! Alright fine, whatever, you win. God - 1, Lala - 0 Let's recap, shall we?

Under the cover of night we begin the slow winding down of our South Pacific tale. The alliance of five created way back when on day one is now the last alliance standing. All five have survived and they're very pleased that they've accomplished exactly what it is they set out to do. With smiles on their faces and whoops filling the night sky, the final five link arms and dance under the stars. Pan pipes, tambourines, bongos... the whole shebang! Merriment personified. That is, until Lil Hantz remembers who is really responsible for all of this. With a megaphone in one hand and a crucifix in another, the short stocky balding man climbs up on a log, waves his arms frantically, and shouts, "Let's pray! Let's pray!" Ugh. Sophie rolls her eyes in the darkness and our remaining Survivors solemnly thank season 23's real star for getting them this far in the game. All seems peaceful on the outside. All appears soft and fluffy. But really there's a Judas under the surface. It's Albert. Blank faced, monotone voiced Albert who thinks he has this entire game wrapped up. His big plan this week is to get rid of Sophie. Well, if it's like any of Albert's other plans, Sophie will be just fine.

After a fitful night's sleep, a new day dawns and Albert is ready to put his "Get Sophie Out" plan into motion. The thing with Sophie is that she's dangerous. She wins Immunity Challenges, she's smart, and she's well spoken while Albert is kind of a bumbling figure in the background. While he's spending all of his time down in his lab surrounded by beakers and bubbling pots of colorful liquids trying to come up with various formulas to win, Sophie is actually mingling and becoming friends with the remaining Tunas. So, with a new formula in his pocket, shifty-eyed Albert approaches Rancher Rick and says, "Um so yeah I see the two of us going to the end together." Rancher Rick silently nods while Albert thinks to himself, "I've got this thing locked up!" You see, Albert thinks that Rancher Rick is the least dangerous in this game. He's not strategic, he's not winning, and he does little more than feed the cows day in and day out. In Albert's perfect world, he'd like to go the end with Rancher Rick and Coach. This self-proclaimed "rogue" (ok Sarah Palin) is under the impression that ass kissing for jury votes is actually aggressive game play. Maybe it is. *shrugs shoulders* Who am I to say? Maybe transparent weasel wear does indeed fool people. I have no idea. Maybe the emperor really was wearing new clothes.

And this brings us to the big duel between that decimal point, Edna, and god of the sea, Ozzy. For today's duel, Survivors will race to complete a slide puzzle. Once the puzzle is completed, it will release a hatchet. Survivors will then use the hatchet to chop a rope and release a bag of colored cubes. Once the duelers have their cubes, they must stack them so there are no repeating colors on any side. Survivors ready, go.

The duel begins with tiny-armed Edna struggling to push the puzzle pieces into place. With biceps the size of marbles, she moves at a snail's pace while Ozzy has already completed his puzzle and chopped down his rope. Edna giggles to herself as Ozzy tears into his bag of cubes and I can't for the life of me figure out what's so freaking funny. Even Dimples yells at her to focus.

And then, on cue, on time, like clockwork, Albert starts hollering tips to Edna from the stands. It took me a second, but then it finally hit me. He's helping for votes! In the past I always assumed that he really didn't want Ozzy to win, but now it's as clear as gin. Albert helping the losers on Rhode Island (Redemption Island) is his way of making a last minute favorable impression on them. I don't know if the other Tunas realize what he's doing, but they too begin shouting instructions to Edna and she's finally able to finish the puzzle and move on to the cubes.

With a seemingly huge lead, Ozzy has almost all of his cubes stacked. Cool as a cucumber, without a care in the world, Ozzy twirls his mustache and contemplates where to put his next cube. Meanwhile frantic laser point Edna is flitting around like a drunk fairy. She heaves the cubes up onto the table and inevitably that interminable Albert leaps to her aid. "Green! Green! Move the green one!" Then Sophie starts shouting, "You have too many blues!" Rancher Rick hiccups, "Howdy pard'ner" as Brandon bellows, "Pray on it!" It's a cacophony of craziness which, most likely, only serves to make Edna even more scattered.

With an entire row of reds, Edna shouts, "Jeff! Jeff! Check me!" Dimples does a 'Pfft!" with a flick of his wrist as Ozzy finally begins to feel the heat. We see it in a flash, a mere glimpse, but it was there. That unmistakable moment of panic across Ozzy's face where it dawns on him that he's not the unbeatable king of the world. It was only there for a second and we'll probably never see it again (which is why I freeze framed on it and threw glitter around the room for a good half hour), but I'll always have the memory of its existence. After the panic leaves and Edna gets rejected, Ozzy blazes forward and boom, bam, done... OZZY STAYS ALIVE! Grrr.

(For the record, I knew 100% that Ozzy would win. Despite the trickery promos and my dreams of an upset, Ozzy updated his Facebook last week with one simple sentence that pretty much spoiled the entire duel for me. He said, "Good luck Edna." Now, knowing what I know of Ozzy (that he's an arrogant dick), that was about as spoilery as spoilers get. It was the equivalent of pointing a finger and laughing at Edna for even trying to beat him. I demand the Survivor Council of Spoilers fine him eleventeenth million dollars and make it a law that he can never appear on the show again.)

Back at Tuna Tartare (TeTuna) the mood is bleak. Everyone is bummed and downtrodden. With heads down they kick the sand and sit in silence. The silence is finally broken when Lil Hantz creeps up to Albert and checks in on the strength of their alliance. Albert assures Brandon that their alliance is solid and that they'll both be going to the end with Coach. Wait a tic, hold up. Didn't Albert tell Rancher Rick that he wants to go to the final three with him too? Hmmm *strokes chin* I sure hope no one finds out. *giggles to self* With carefree arms swung limply behind his head, Albert whispers to Brandon that they need to get rid of Sophie next. Brandon nods excitedly and assures Albert that they'll totally be going to the end together. They've got God on their side! With an alliance partner like God, nothing can go wrong. *thunderclaps in the distance*

Meanwhile Sophie is lying supine in the shelter worrying about Ozzy. He's over in his Rhode Island Pleasure Dome fattening up all the losers before they skip on out of the game. Sophie worries that he's not only spreading his seed far and wide, but that he's gathering a few Jury votes along the way as well. She tells Coach that they have to send Brandon to Rhode Island next. A) Brandon is a loose cannon weirdo and B) Brandon actually might be able to beat Ozzy and take him out of the game once and for all. Sophie pitches her plan to Rancher Rick who then tips his hat and mutters, "Sure lil lady."

After a four hour nap, Albert rises and begins to put one of his many plans into motion. He approaches Coach and pleads with him to see how much of a threat Sophie is. Coach, however, knows what the real deal is - Albert is uncomfortable knowing that Sophie is smarter than him. She's not the quiet little mouse Albert thought she was and now Albert must destroy her. Through meditation, prayer, and shooting arrows at the sun, Coach is thinking and seeing more clearly than he ever has in his life. He knows what the dilly-o is. He knows the secret agendas burbling beneath the surface. Whether it's his Kundalini or his Katra, Coach is embracing his inner voice, his inner self, his inner calm. That inner Coach-ness is telling Coach that if they keep going the way they're going, Brandon will win this game hands down. Albert stammers in protest while Coach coolly chuckles to himself and says, "You don't understand how the Jury works. It's a totally different animal."

Speaking of animals, here comes Brandon. "What are you guys talking about? You talking about me? What are you planning? Did you make a new alliance? Honor, integrity, God!" Coach peers through hooded eyes and tells him they were talking about the Jury. Brandon lifts an eyebrow and says, "I don't think so sonny jim." Oh no he di-in't! Coach leaps up out of the hammock and grabs Brandon by his tattoos, 'Don't you bully me! Stop acting like Russell! Don't you know it's rude to interrupt people when they're talking?!" Brandon's lower lip starts to quiver as he says, "That wasn't very nice what you said about Russell." Coach collapses back into the hammock in the lotus position and reluctantly apologizes. Brandon hangs his head in shame and quietly says, "Please give me a hug man." Clearly, Brandon doesn't realize how hard it is to untangle oneself from the lotus. Regardless, Coach sighs dramatically and rises to give Brandon a hug. Brandon nestles his face in Coach's chest and whispers, "Sorry."

Coach steals away by himself, or so he thinks, to tell the camera (and us) once again how the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. No matter what Brandon does or says, he'll always have that Hantz blood in his veins. Meeting the young lad's father last week has only made Coach all the more certain of what his next move has to be. Then, out of nowhere, Brandon leaps out of a bush, "Peek a boo! Want some coconut?" Coach mimes vomiting and says, "I can't eat anymore fucking coconut." Brandon drops the coconut into the dirt as he curls up to Coach and whispers, "Cheer up brother. God has it all under control." He's a lost little lamb now, this Brandon. A meek and weirdo shell of the misogynist he used to be. I miss the squirrelly lustful Brandon of yesteryear. At least that Brandon had thoughts of his own - dirty, filthy, whoring thoughts filled with nipple clamps and ball gags, but thoughts nonetheless! This smaller, thinner, chaste thing we have before us now would happily follow Jim Jones into the afterlife. Christ, he'd be the one filling the cups for everyone and shooting the syringes into the kids mouths.

And that brings us to the Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! This week Survivors must climb a massive wall and collect bags of puzzle pieces. With each bag they'll go further up the wall. Once all the bags are gathered, the pieces will be sorted into pairs. The pieces that don't fit into a pair will reveal a number code that they will then use to unlock a box and raise their flag. First person to raise their flag wins Immunity. In addition to Immunity, players are also competing for a Reward of pizza and garlic bread. Survivors ready, go!

Brandon and Rancher Rick fly out of the gate and nab their first bags before anyone else even makes it up the wall. Sophie and Coach get their bags next with Albert lagging somewhere in the distance. Brandon, with feet like a spider monkey (or Satan) continues to dominate the challenge grabbing back after bag after bag. Rancher Rick manages to stay hot on his heels and I think we're all pleasantly surprised by our resident cowboy. Sophie and Coach manage to stay neck in neck with each other while Albert awesomely somersaults down the wall into a pile of bones on the sand.

Hunched over and with his low center of gravity, Brandon climbs higher and higher up the wall to retrieve his final bag. Miraculously, Rancher Rick is still in this as he too begins to work on his puzzle. Coach follows them in third, but Lil Hantz is on a Hantzian roll. The pattern of the pieces looked like a fetching tartan plaid to me, but it somehow managed to make sense to young Brandon as he quickly matches up the pairs and heads back to the top of the wall. Coach heads up the wall as well, but it's too little too late as BRANDON WINS IMMUNITY!!! Could it be that God is on Brandon's side after all? Wouldn't that be a kick in the vag?

After the appropriate 15 minutes of thanking Jesus for his win, Brandon ends his assault on the heavens with some gangsta taps to his heart and then a fist to the sky. I mean, I'm sure God listens to hip hop, right? Anyhow, Brandon is now forced to pick someone to eat pizza with him. I thought, without question, that Brandon would pick Coach. After the whole hammock fight, I figured he had a lot more sucking up to do, but no! He picks Rancher Rick to join him. He swears it wasn't a strategic decision, but honey, that was all strategy. Rick isn't in Brandon's final three alliance. That was an Albert move if ever I saw one.

Back at camp Sophie is musing over how the worst case scenario happened today. In a quick tete a tete with Coach, they agree, just as he's slithering into their area, that sneaky Albert needs to go next. Sophie rises as Albert sits and under the guise of wanting to smell the pizza, she steals away to go tell Brandon and Rancher Rick that Albert will be going home next. Rick throws his hat in the ring and agrees wholeheartedly. He tells Brandon and Sophie how earlier Albert approached him to make sure they were going to the end together. Listening to this, Brandon's ears start to blow steam and his head starts to turn purple. He yanks bite after bite off of the pizza crust and wonders to himself if he's been duped all along. Can it be true? Has Albert been making other deals behind his back? What about honor and integrity?!

Mid digestion, Brandon asks Albert if he went up to Rancher Rick and tried to make a deal yesterday. Albert stutters and stammers, "Umm uh I uh never uh turned against you." That right there should have been a big red flag to Brandon, but as Brandon is about as adept as reading people as Helen Keller would have been reading this here blog, Brandon drags Albert to the center of camp and defends him to both Rick and Sophie. Albert says, "Yeah! I never said nothing bad against Brandon." Rancher Rick shakes his head slowly back and forth and says, "Well now that's just not true. You told me yesterday you wanted to go to the end together." Albert points and cries, "Liar!" And then a 3 foot wooden nose grew out of his face. Rancher Rick throws his cowboy hat in the sand and says, "You lyin' out yer ass! Don't you lie to me!" *bites fist* Punch him, punch him!

Albert stutters some more and it finally dawns on Brandon that maybe his best good friend here isn't telling the truth after all. Brandon says, "You just told me you didn't make any other deals!" Albert replies, "Imma uh I um I... why is homina homina his word uh better than mine?!" Meanwhile Sophie is sitting on the sidelines giggling to herself much like I was giggling into my gin fizzy. I had bubbles up my nose and some drool on my shirt, but I didn't care! Finally that insufferable Albert is caught in his own web of lies. Awful though he may be, he's not dumb. He knows he has to somehow get Brandon back over on his side in order to maintain safety for tonight.

At home I laughed and I laughed. I thought to myself, "Good luck with that sucker!" and then I dipped my breasts one by one into my awaiting bowls of glitter. There is no way that Brandon will forgive someone for such deception, right? Right?!? Wrong. Never has a moral compass been so wonky. I can never find true north! And now I'm stuck at the nexus of the universe wondering which way is up and which way is down... with glittery ta ta's no less!

So while Brandon sits whittling either a pitchfork or a scythe out of a giant piece of driftwood, Albert begs Brandon not to close his heart to him. Oh puh-lease. But, you know what? Albert is totally speaking Brandon's language. That heart crap is right up his alley. But it's when Albert says, "You're making me look like a bad dude" that the deal is cemented. Brandon blurts out, "I'm not voting you. In fact, I'll give you my Immunity necklace." Then they collapse together in the sand to pray. *smacks self in head* Someone come over here and wash this glitter of my boobs. Scrub really hard because I don't want a trace of that shit left behind.

Brandon then goes marching over to Coach and tells him that God spoke to him and dropped some game advice on him... "Yo Brando! What's up buddy? Dude, you gots ta keep Albs in the game yo. And while you're at it, give him that necklace you got. Werd. Peace out." Rrrright. Brandon prays that Coach understands his decision and he knows that Coach would never vote him out, would never do anything to hurt him. Coach just sort of sighs and if there was a thought bubble above his head, it would read: ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME?

Brandon insists that this is what God wants them to do. Coach quickly corrects him and says, "No, this is what God wants you to do." Oh ho ho! I like that. Sneaky, sneaky. Coach says he'll need some time to pray to God himself and see what the ole guy upstairs has to say. "Uh, hello God?" A booming voice bellows, "Brandon! Brandon! Brandon!" "Ok cool, thanks." Coach looks up satisfied and says, "I know what I have to do now." And there you go. The power of prayer.

And this brings us to the latest episode of the Bellevue Diaries... I mean, Tribal Council. With no hesitation Brandon blurts out, "I want to give my Immunity Necklace up." Dimples' jaw hits the floor and Cochran starts giggling over on the Jury. Coach strokes his beard furiously as we hear the plop plop plop of Brandon's tears hitting the sand.

And this is where we finally find out about Brandon's checkered past. You see, he was in the Jets or the Sharks but when it came time for the big fight number no one showed up and he had perform a solo. It was embarrassing for the young lad. All of those finger snaps and leaps all by himself. He wasn't prepared for that. So, ever since then, he never dances alone anymore. And that's why he's loyal to a fault - to a giant stinking festering fault.

Dimples listens to all of this and says, "But Albert is your competitor!" Albert interjects with, "I've always believed that there was a higher purpose to this game." Oh. Shut. Up. Just sit there with your necklace and shut up.

Dimples then asks Albert if he'll take off the necklace right now for Brandon as a show of good faith, as proof of this "higher purpose". Albert frantically glue guns the necklace to his skin and says, "Uh I don't think God wants me to do that. I'll hang onto it." A pained look of defeat covers Brandon's face as he admits that he is no longer at peace with his decision. The struggle, the turmoil, within this kid is unreal. I still maintain that he was never medically sound enough to be on this show in the first place. I get what he's trying to do. I see that he really believes that he's doing the right thing. The problem is, along the way, he's getting taken advantage of. And when all of this is said and done, he'll emerge more damaged, more bitter, and more closed up than he was when the game started. So, we bid adieu to young Brandon as he is the 15th person voted out of Survivor South Pacific.

So, what did you guys think? Is Ozzy earning votes over on his Pleasure Dome? Did Coach totally fake talking to God? Will Brandon beat Ozzy in the duel? Who do you want to win Survivor South Pacific? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! If you've enjoyed what I've done this season, I ask that you please click on my PayPal link and show a girl some love. I'll meet you guys back here on Monday for my final blog of the season. See you then!