Sunday, February 12, 2012

Jay: Alvin, Simon, Jay

I've sat up late at night and prayed. I've done the self punishment whipping thing that the creepy monk did in The Da Vinci Code, but nothing, I tell you, nothing will keep away the Christians. They're everywhere! Invading our political races and, most importantly, our reality TV shows. Blurgh.

This brings us to 25 year old model Jay Byars. He's traveled the globe convincing perfectly happy indigenous peoples to believe in a God they've never heard of. He fancies that Bear Grylls because, hey, he's a Christian! He thinks he's most like Rupert and hates you if you have bad breath. A true Christian would keep a tin of Altoids in his pocket and hand them out selflessly to those afflicted with halitosis, but nooooo. Jay hates you fishmouth. And don't you dare try to text him more than necessary because he'll tell God on you and then sit smugly with a Bible in his lap. Roll that beautiful bean footage...

Shhh. Don't speak, precious. We don't need words. We also don't need those shorts. Here, let me take those for you. I said, "SHUT UP!" Seriously, until I get Dr. Greg to do a vocal chord rejuvenation on you and shake loose all these chipmunks following us around, mum's the word. Silence is next to godliness you know.


  1. Another beautiful Southerner, albeit with a Jesse James voice, but some things we can overlook.

  2. why am i positive that somewhere in south carolina there is another man, cletis the slack jawed yokel, with the voice of antonio banderas; the result of a freaky science experiment gone terribly wrong.

  3. What a positive outlook ...Thanks for sharing your story