Monday, February 13, 2012

Kim: Animal Whisperer

Bridal Shop Owner Kim Spradlin hails from the great state of Texas and is up for all sorts of adventures. Not only did she live in an orphanage in Thailand (como what?), but she can tell you within minutes of meeting you which animal you were meant to be. Naturally, this begs the question, which animal would I be? Well, I'll tell you. The one who rips the face off of girls who tell me which animal I'm most like within in 5 minutes of meeting me. That one.

Cruising further down Kim's bio we discover that this 29 year old is a fan of Elisabeth Hasselbeck and thinks she'll win the game by earning everyone's respect. And I quote, "Why would you vote off someone who respects you?" Because they like Elisabeth Hasselbeck, that's why!

To the video!

And here's why it's not always wise to judge someone based on their "Elisabeth Hasselbeckness". I mean, she seems OK. No weird facial tics, no awkward pauses. Although if she tells Alicia "Jugs" Rosa that her breasts look like udders, we could have a problem. Awesome.

This whole animal parlor trick got me curious so I went to a research institute (Google) to find my own inner spirit animal. The results are in!

You are a Spider!

Powers: Artistic genius, ability to see patterns and sense trouble from a distance

As a Spider, you're artistic, intuitive, and independent—maybe even a little eccentric. You can become so absorbed in your endeavors that you lose track of the outside world and the people in it. But what you give in return is magic, pure and simple.

Best matches: Cougars, Hawks, Owls

Watch out for: Wolves, Otters, Bears

And there you have it. What's your animal spirit? Take the quiz HERE.


  1. You lost me at Hasselbeck.

  2. I got Owl with 30 points, followed by Spider with 29 points and then Hawk with 28 points!

    Hey, don't owls eat spiders?

    ...and hawks fight with owls, right?

    Hmm... my Animal Spirits are at war with each other! Maybe this explains my crack addiction. And my cutting habit. And my compulsion to role-play as Spongebob Squarepants during sex.

    I need the services of an Animal Whisperer like this here Kim. Why, I'll give her a call right now!

    Blast! No answer.

    Well, it's back to the crack pipe, the razor and the Spongebob costume for me...

    C U later Spidergirl.

    Oh, and thankyou ever so much for returning what was it? pure and simple magic? Do continue to spin us your magic this season, Ms Lala. Oh forgive me, I find myself rather hot and flustered at the thought of an entire season of your magical genius. Mr Darcy! Come here at once and blow on my pussy!

  3. Maybe she should consider which animal she looks like.

  4. I'm an Owl. I think this is fairly accurate.

    Powers: Human lie-detectors
    Owls are keen, perceptive and skeptical. You're adept at getting to the truth, making you an ideal investigator or attorney. Your insights into the less honorable side of human nature can make you a bit cynical, but your numerous friends appreciate the dark sense of humor it brings.
    Best matches: Hawks, Foxes, Spiders
    Watch out for: Wolves, Horses, Otters

  5. Hawks are the messengers of the Spirits. Adept with language, you might be a writer or a teacher. Your ability to assess situations impartially means that people often seek your guidance before making decisions. A brilliant visionary, you sometimes forget the mundane details of life like eating, sleeping, or paying bills.
    Best matches: Owls, Foxes, SPIDERS <3


  6. I am a Fox - which is funny because some of my friends think I am crazy like a fox. Too bad I have the same long distance relationship with Survivor as Lala... with these skills I might do well there. Especially the night vision. I'll have to try that out.

    Characters: Razvin in the Aspect of Crow trilogy; Elysia in "The Wild's Call"

    Powers: Stealth, night vision, ability to read and manipulate others' emotions

    Foxes are clever, perceptive, and shrewd. You're happiest working behind the scenes, pulling strings and watching others dance to your imperceptible tune. Independent yet highly social, you glide among your circles of acquaintance with ease, sharing your sharp wit or a delicious piece of gossip.

    Best matches: Crows, Owls, Cougars
    Watch out for: Bears, Swans, Horses