Thursday, February 16, 2012

One Huge Ball Of Badassness


One world. One whirling swirling twirling marble in a deep black abyss. Perched on nothing, it spins to the gentle lullaby of time. Round and round. From far away it looks so peaceful, so tranquil. But up close, deep in the thick of it, in the hairy armpit of undiscovered jungle, it is a battlefield of pain and woe. On it live the tiny dancers dancing for money. Some are from Mars and others are from Venus. Some swing from vines while others are bountifully big bosomed. For the next 39 days these penis and vagina people will be forced to come together and squirt forth entertainment for us onlookers at home. Not all will survive. Not all will prosper. Forgotten body parts stuck in flesh eating nets of evil will turn purple and rot. Long after the last Survivor has left, there it will lie. One lonely middle finger in the sand. In it's bony extension we find our truth and we find our answers. Will the battle of the sexes ever be over? Will they ever learn to coexist peacefully? Look to the finger. It says, "Fuck no!" And aren't we all just a little bit thankful for that? Welcome back bitches. Let's recap, shall we?

Chicka, chicka, chicka... Over the horizon and through the din. Chicka, chicka, chicka... Frantic blades slice the jungle air with ferocity and promise. Weaving through the clouds and snaking through the heat, our cruise director, Dimples (Jeff Probst), clutches the inside of a helicopter while down below, on a road of pot holes and lost souls, 18 fresh-faced suckers bob up and down in a herky jerky truck of doom. They think they've got it all figured out. Blueprints of silliness sit nestled in their pockets. Grand master flash plans covered in stick figures and mantras. But who cares about all that? I want my lines. Give me my lines Dimples. Do it for me baby!

With one hand on a tumbler of gin and the other wrist deep in a bowl of blue glitter I catch my breath in my throat waiting for Dimples to land his aircraft. But what's this? He's not landing at all. He's hanging from a helicopter! This means only one thing - DIMPLES READS MY BLOG. Don't believe me? Check out what I wrote at the beginning of last season:

The music swells as the oars cut into the water. Our hearts begin to race because we know what's coming. You've been with me long enough to know. I wait for it every season. Those 3 lines. Those 3 little magical lines. I snort them up like the drug they are and let them invade my very being. Give it to me Dimples! Sparkle in your green and give me the goods. Will he deliver them hanging from a helicopter? Will he be shouting from the inside of a volcano? Will he be leaping off the side of a cliff? Gah! I'm so excited I can't stand it!


And so, on tippy toes with one hand in his pocket and the other hanging on for dear life, I get what I crave. "39 days. 18 people. ONE Survivor!" Did you see how he said the "one"?! He took his hand that was keeping him from somersaulting into the ocean and made a "1" with it. Not only that, the helicopter tilted over backwards and Dimples clung to the side like a spider monkey while it whooshed out of frame. They must have covered him in Gorilla Glue or something. Either that or his skin seeps a sticky jelly substance. Fragrant, but sticky.


The helicopter lands just as the truck o'suckers pulls up to a stop. After a joyful "Welcome to Survivor!" from Dimples, the castaways finally exhale and whoop with excitement. Wearing a panda bear on her head, Kourtney sheepishly admits that she doesn't fit in amongst the other women. Jugs (Alicia) grimaces to herself while Colton gets busy making googly eyes at Matt. In the back of the crowd, a man who looks like a walrus insists that his birth name is "TarZAN." Dimples furrows his brow with doubt while Tarzan whips out a birth certificate with a crayola slash through his last name. Over it in childish scrawl someone has written "GReG TaRZaN." Hearing this, another hirsute male shifts uncomfortably and thinks to himself, "He can't be Tarzan. I'm Troyzan!" And uh, do you have a birth certificate to prove that Troyzan? Because until you have a legal document covered in peanut butter stains and crayola letters, I'm not going to believe you.

Alright, enough dilly-dallying. Women over here. Men over there. These are your tribes. Kourtney's panda hat topples forward down to her nose while a crestfallen Colton clutches his pearls in horror. This is his nightmare come to life. He speaks Venutian - fluently - for crying out loud! What could he possibly have in common with these other men? Speaking of the men, they will now be known as Menudo (Manono) and they are as follows: Tarzan (Greg), Troyzan (Troy), Jonas, Matt, Michael, Liam, Colton, and Bill. The women will henceforth be known as Salami (Salani) and they are: Kourtney, Kim, Nina, Monica, Jugs (Alicia), ChaCha (Christina), Sabrina, Kat, and Chelsea.


Before the tribes can head to their campsites, they will both have 60 seconds to strip the truck clean of supplies and sustenance. The women hurl fruit and panty hose to one side of the truck while the men pile lumber, tarps, and wrenches on the other side. Michael, who looks suspiciously like Carson Daly, tiptoes over to the women's side and swipes an axe from their pile of flowers and lotions. Clueless, Sabrina stands inches away and hollers for the ladies to grab more wrapping paper and beads while Dimples warns that it might be a good idea for the tribes to keep an eye on their stash. His warning goes unnoticed as Michael belly crawls under the lip of the truck and sneaks off with the women's scented candles and scarves. Dimples giggles to himself and begins the final countdown... 3-2-1!


The women gather around their pile of travel size shampoos while the men stand proudly in front of their mountain of Black & Decker. Michael whispers to Jonas, "I stole their stuff!" while Kim wonders where the hell her ax went. Dimples all but points to the women's pile and laughs while Jugs declares, "Someone stole our stuff! We had an axe!" Little man Liam sitting at the edge of a rainbow protests, "Whoa whoa whoa, we didn't steal anything" while Michael shifts uncomfortably with an axe down his pants and lacy underthings in his shirt pocket. The game has officially begun and it's anarchy. Looting and lawlessness rule this Polynesian island now and there's no turning back.


And so Menudo and Salami part ways and head off into the jungle to find their respective camps. Tarzan's knees buckle under the weight of some birch twigs while Liam carries a fully furnished house on his head. Over on the women's trek, Kat and Kourtney can't decide who should carry a frying pan while Jugs is in full game mode putting together an alliance of 5 - Jugs, Kim, Kat, Chelsea, and Sabrina. Kim, a bridal shop owner - brides, girls, white, pearls, lace, tulle, and satin - doesn't really care for any "Woman Power!" sort of mentality, but the second those sneaky men stole from her she burned her bra, stopped shaving her armpits, and bought herself some tickets to Lilith Fair. *waves a lighter* Do the sad animal song, Sarah!

In record time the women turn the final corner and see both the Salami and Menudo flags waving overhead. The men arrive shortly thereafter and are mildly annoyed to find the women folk puttering about on their soil. Jonas immediately grabs a basket of supplies and suggests to Colton that they hide it from the ladies. Colton replies and gestures proudly to the flags bearing this season's logo, "We're obviously together though. It says 'One World'." Jonas shakes his head and says, "It doesn't look like One World to me, bro." And Jonas is right. It is not One World. It's two worlds. Our and theirs. His and hers. Mine and yours.

Colton stops to consider this sad revelation only to be interrupted by a flock of rabid chickens. This-a-way and that-a-way the chickens zigzag through the camp. Chelsea quickly puts a flimsy deal together that the men and women should share the chickens and the race is on! Liam assumes a tackle position, Kourtney starts grabbing at the air, and Jugs tries to bash them in the head with her enormous bosoms. Meanwhile, Chelsea walks right up to chicken #1 and chicken #2 and grabs them both by the scruff of their feathery necks. Matt immediately extends an arm to receive the chicken he was promised, but Chelsea isn't so sure anymore. What if the women need something that the men have? Now you're thinking girls!

Matt huffs off with a pout and decides that now he wants a chicken as an apology. An apology! An apology for what? For you being a complete douchebag? For that shirt you're wearing? You let me know, cry baby.

With the chickens nestled safely in Jugs' jugs, camp construction gets underway while one lost soul gazes sadly at the sand. One pastel colored fancy pants. Fancy Pants... perfect! So there sits Fancy Pants with a frown on his face and some dirt on his cardigan. He can either sit and pout or he can do what he does best - be a social butterfly. Come out of your cocoon darlin' and fly. "Oh, it's so nice to meet you!", "I'm thrilled to be here.", "Love your blouse!" Through the squeals and hugs and laughter, Matt watches from a distance and says, "I know Colton is gay." Quite the Sherlock, that Matt. Tell us detective, what else have you discovered? That the sky is blue? The trees are green? Water is wet? Pray, tell us more about this world of mysteries that we find ourselves in.


Matt isn't just a cracker jack detective though. He is in fact a mathematical mastermind. Quickly grabbing the "young fit guys", he has managed to put together a trailblazing alliance of 4. I say "trailblazing" because 4 won't do you bubkis in the land of Survivor. You need 5, Einstein.

Meanwhile, Fancy Pants is on his knees begging the women to give him the clues to any Hidden Immunity Idols. ChaCha sort of grits her teeth and laughs while Monica waves a chicken in his face causing him to tinkle. Could Monica be a voudoun queen? Did you see any bones trickle out of her jeans pocket? Keep an eye on that one. If she spits in anyone's face and starts crafting poppets out of palm leaves, you let me know.


So while Fancy Pants is busy assuming he's going home first, high talker Jay is busy rubbing two sticks together. With little more than a twitch and a blow, the men have fire and you can color me impressed. The smoke brazenly wafts over to the women's side and just sort of mutters, "How ya like me now, bitches!" Sabrina smells it's sweetness and wanders over to introduce herself and make an offer. Chicken for fire? Matt poo-poo's that idea instantly as he wants all of their chickens, their money, and the deeds to their houses. They owe him! Sabrina says she'll think about it while Jugs quickly dives face first into the sand and sticks her bare hand into the men's fire pit. 'A' for effort, Jugs, but fire isn't meant to be held.

Night falls and with it a restlessness. Kat wants fire to be able to see her fellow tribemates while Kim wants it for ambiance. After a brief discussion over exactly what "ambiance" means, ChaCha and Monica take it upon themselves to just go steal an ember from the men. With a giant pair of chopsticks, Monica gingerly sticks them into the fire and successfully retrieves a bright hot orange ember. It seemed like a hugely successful nighttime caper, but lo and behold, the girls failed to keep their fire lit throughout the night. Oh come on! How do you screw that up? You know it's gotta be next to impossible to sleep during your first night in Survivor. How did someone not notice the flames dying?

ChaCha is unphased though. She'll just tie her hair back in a bun and go ask the men politely for some fire. Well, it started out that way until it morphed into a weird exchange of slave labor.
"What do I need to do to get you guys to give me some fire?"
"Weave us 800 palms for our roof."
"How about 1600 and a "massage"? I'll send some girls right over."
"Deal!"
The men all pat ChaCha on the back as Jugs approaches wild-eyed and frizzy-haired wondering what the hell is going on. ChaCha puts one hand on her hip and exclaims, "Tada! I got us fire." It was a gesture that screamed like a 10 year old girl pirouetting around the kitchen table, "Look at me! Look at me!" Jugs, as is only natural, responded by wanting to punch ChaCha in the face. Hey, I get it. There's nothing more annoying than a show off and it's especially shady that she made the deal without consulting her tribe beforehand.


Sabrina, however, steals away to do some quick searching for the Hidden Immunity Idol. One hollowed out tree trunk later and boom! She finds it. Not so fast Home Skillet. The Idol she found is intended only for a member of Menudo. In the event that a Salami finds the Idol, they have until Tribal Council to hand it over to a member of Menudo. Clearly, Fancy Pants is the obvious choice - other than burning it and pretending you never found it in the first place.



And this brings us to our first Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, you will one at a time leap off of a tower and land in a net. You will then race across a balance beam and make your way over to a rope bridge. Once all of your tribe members are at the mat, you can raise your tribe flag. The first tribe to raise their flag wins Immunity. Before giving the go, Dimples then whispers into his shirt collar, "Also, be sure to jump with your hands to your chest and land on your back." Survivors ready, go!


Kat and Bill take the first leap with Bill losing a shoe on the way down. Both somersault off the net with Bill reaching the mat first. Jonas takes off next without a hitch while Sabrina falls feet first and prances gently off the net. Michael goes next with Nina on his tail. Nina lands bent at the waist and takes a knee directly to her eye. Leif makes the leap with his fedora on while Kourtney, inexplicably wearing a dress - at least it's not a panda hat, lands hard on both hands. She lands with a whimper as Dimples reminds everyone to cross their hands across their chest.


Clutching her hand to her side, Kourtney stands on the mat and mutters, "My wrist. My wrist." 3 bones are sticking out, her pinky is where her pointer finger should be, and the blood is quickly draining from her face. The rest of the tribes fall with the men maintaining a small lead. At the balance beam, Kat manages to catch up to the men while up on the scaffold Kourtney has slid down to the ground and begun the long walk into the light. Dimples takes one look at the angels hovering over Kourtney's head and halts the game immediately. "Everybody stop! Don't go into the light Carol Anne!"

Ramona the Medic arrives to a jumble of bones one might find in Monica's fanny pack. "Can you move your thumb?" she asks. Kourtney twitches her left leg and replies, "Yup." "Can you make a fist?" asks Ramona. Kourtney wiggles her toes, "Absolutely." Ramona looks up to Dimples and discreetly shakes her head back and forth. Euthanasia. The only solution. Dimples nods silently in reply, "Ok folks, Kourtney has to go see the Coroner... I mean, Doctor, and as soon as she comes back (in an urn) we'll decide how to continue."

Since the game technically has to have 9 people start and 9 people finish, the game is now over because the women have forfeited. Unless, of course, the men want to be complete dumb asses and finish the challenge. Naturally, the men take Immunity and for some reason the women are mad about this. Troyzan makes a valid point and says that if the situation were reversed, no way the women would choose to keep playing. I wholeheartedly agree. Giving up Immunity is something only Lil Hantz would do and look around yourselves. He's safely back at home tattooing "GEEZIS IS MY FREND" to his calf.


Back at camp, the mood is somber and a freakish ghoul has taken over the body of poor Nina. With teeth missing, lips swollen, and blackened eyes this Walking Dead character is a hilarious addition to the tribe. Nina is a tough lady (don't you dare call her "girl"!) though so she takes it all in stride and laughs at the bloody pools where the whites of her eyes used to be. Kim, on the other hand, isn't so accepting of her fate. She grew up in Texas where men are chivalrous and wouldn't dare cop out of a game against women. Chivalrous doesn't mean stupid though, does it?



Off in the trees, Sabrina is trying to shake loose that pesky Immunity Idol she's not allowed to keep. Ideally, she wants Fancy Pants to use it to take out one of the stronger men. Fancy Pants doesn't seem to be absorbing the words of wisdom and instead tries to insist to Sabrina that he's not disposable when what he should be doing is thanking his lucky stars Kourtney ended up with a wrist growing out of her nose. I love ya Fancy Pants, but the dainty limp wrist walk off of that net didn't do you any favors. You are, sadly, very disposable. So, the transaction is complete and Sabrina leaves Fancy Pants with one final word of advice, "Don't let him (Matt) punk you out. Alright?" Fancy Pants blinks twice and mumbles, "I love you." And with a kiss and a swish and a trail of Britney's Curious wafting behind him, Fancy Pants trots off into the distance.

The girls gather to discuss Tribal Council and let's get real here: there's nothing to discuss! Kourtney's bones were wiggedy whack and there's no way she's coming back. Jugs, however, is planning for a miracle. She wants ChaCha gone pronto and will raise whatever hell she needs to at Tribal Council to make that happen. Sweet!



And this brings us to our first Tribal Council. With Dimples in his evening wear sans chapeau we are ready to begin. Dimples pats the urn on the table next to him and says, "We'll discuss Kourtney's condition in a few minutes. So what's up with the girls?! The chicas!" Jugs is cool with the all girls school she's now enrolled in and Kat is very proud to be the firekeeper (Ah, that explains why it went out.) Speaking of fire, how did you guys get it?

ChaCha raises her hand, "Oh oh pick me! Pick me! I got this." She explains how she brokered a deal where a trade was fairly made. Jugs shouts, "Oh hell no! She told them we'd weave for them." ChaCha rolls her eyes and insists the deal was a fair one. They were desperate for fire. A move had to made. Tada!

I'm not sure how (Jugs), but all hell breaks loose and hands begin flying. "Oh no you di-in't!", "Talk to the hand!", "I can't hear you!" Chelsea shrinks in the back and shakes her head with embarrassment while Sabrina bites her lower lip in shame. It's ChaCha's and Jugs' fight, but somehow Kat is in the middle and it's basically just a bunch of hens pecking each others eyes out. It's chaos and it's awesome.

Dimples, however, is speechless. He still doesn't know what the fight is over and, quite frankly, neither do I. All I know is I love it. I love it, I love it, I love it! Hot messes. All y'all! This deserves a booby dip. *dips one breast in purple glitter for Jugs and the other in red glitter for ChaCha* I don't think I've ever dunked on the first day before, have I?

After a lot of hands thrown in the air and exasperated sighs, the girls still don't get that they'll need to come together and work in harmony in order to succeed. Dimples tries to sternly warn them, but is met with only giggles and shoulder shrugs.

In the end, Kourtney is no longer with us and I think I'm OK with that. She seemed like a nice enough girl, but a little too meek and clutzy for this crew. These ladies are the type who take their earrings off before a conversation. Kourtney seems much happier with a pair of knitting needles rather than a pair of nunchucks. We bid you adieu Kourtney and I hope your wrist is OK. So what did you guys think of last night's episode? Are you Team Men or Team Women? Any standouts? Any bad asses? Will Sabrina ever tell the other girls how she found the Idol? Does Leif have a word allowance like Rancher Rick did? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

All Survivor photos in this post were shamelessly stolen from the Survivor Seasons Facebook group.

39 comments:

  1. Welcome back, Colette! I look forward to your blogs as much as I do hearing "Survivors ready? GO!" each week.

    Grand premiere episode. It had everything; lying, thieving, catfights, douchery, boob shots bordering on getting CBS in trouble with a few parents' organizations...and all before the first commercial break. Sorry Kourtney's cookie crumbled so early, but thems the breaks.

    I honestly can't get behind any of them yet. The men are too macho-y, the women too hen-cackley, almost as if they were all cast with an eye toward stereotyping. Maybe next week.

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    1. I agree with your last paragraph. One hundred per cent. I don't mind all the boobs, it just looked so obvious in the editing that it was funny.

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  2. Thanx Fancy Pants for making all us gays look like we give up right away! Only wants to hang with the girls? DUH Is he blind? He couldve used a much better strategy and been "kept around for his vote" then turn to the ladies! Dumbass

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  3. Best thing about a new season of Survivor: THIS BLOG. Buy some Tanqueray stock now. Although there are many people to hate on this season, I am not impressed with the opening. I thought the first comp was a disaster and shows poor planning on the part of the producers. I don't think you would want to lose someone right off the bat to an injury. Also, my god, so much cleavage. Really. Just mount a camera on each girls chest. I even caught a bouncy bouncy shot. Hilarious. And where was the comedian with his one liners. Was he even on?

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  4. ....Did I hear correctly during the episode that the men offered fire for a peep show? I was out of the room for most of it, but I'm pretty sure that's what went on.

    Isn't it hilarious how when put into a position of ancient man, the sexes kind of revert to this kind of base instinct?
    "Women need fire! Fire good! We weave, mend, for fire? Flirt, maybe?"

    "Men HAVE fire! Fire good! Women naked, for fire? Men like woman naked! No naked? Do chore!"

    I think this will be a GREAT season. Too bad tribes will most likely be swapped up within a few weeks, no?

    Epic love, Lala!

    ~Lisabeth

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  5. You're right ~ total anarchy so far. The female tribe had better get their game on quickly and stop asking these men for anything. Good on the girl from Charleston who wouldn't give up the chickens. I'm for the women so far, unless they can't stop the cattiness. These guys aren't your potential boyfriends ~ they're a sack of tools ~ get over the pecs and abs and beat them.

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  6. Yeah, I thought Kim did quite well in resisting the urge to inform Greg of his animal likeness. But she displayed superior fortitude with chipmunk Cha Cha. Good for her. Off to a great start.

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  7. I love all these comments, especially Anon re: making all gays look like they give up right away. Hysterical!

    Lala, it's so nice to be back to reading your blog on Thursdays. My life is complete once again. You didn't disappoint on your first entry, it was steller.
    My favorites (if you care)
    the picture of the "hughtalker" from Seinfeld. The guy on Survivor's voice is very strange. It's strange enough that if I were attracted to him, I would 100% be turned off when he started talking. YUCK! Poor guy, I hope he never reads this.

    "oh snap" photo caption. Very clever, in an obvious sort of way. made me chuckle, but I am easily amused also.

    Lastly, "with a kiss and a swish and a trail of Brittany's Curious wafting behind him".......SO FUNNY.

    I agree with you, I don't think chivalrous ='s stupid. These girls need to wake up and stop relying on their sex appeal and play to win on their own accord. Cha Cha and Jugs need to bury the hatchet and agree to work together. I will be rooting against them if they don't.

    Also, who's Leif?

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  8. Yay! Great blog.I like this season so far. Definitely not liking the Frat Alliance. The men seem like real douchers, save a few. I hope this season is dramatic.

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  9. I predict
    Chelsea to win.

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    1. Welcome back Lala!

      Three things: 1. I'm diggin' a potential Tarzan-Troyzan tag-team (two wacky old fellers outlasting the cocky young guns, I can see it now!).

      2. I bet that if the male team starts dominating early, as it likely will, then they might just tank an immunity challenge, merely for the sake of eliminating Fancy Pants, who is not confused about his sexuality, but rather about which tribe he is on! (And if he still has the hidden idol at that point, then things could get very interesting).

      3. Yes, there are more than one set of Jugs in this season. But I'm not complaining! (I wonder if they all dunk as well).

      --JBird

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  10. I predict Chelsea to win.

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  11. I stumbled across this blog when I was obviously very busy at work today, thanks, now everyone thinks I'm crazy -laughing my ass off in my office while I was in there alone. Either something incredibly funny on the internet or some awesome brand new toys...
    Anyways, did anyone notice that if you closed your eyes while Jay was blabbing you could have a serious Lil Hantz flashback? He's got that same ole bible thumper accent. Really.
    Don't care for a single one of the men's team except for little Leif, darn it all, he's just so cute and adorable. Want to put some footie jammies on him and tuck him in. And his assholeness is so much less than anyone else's that I gotta go Leif all the way.
    The women (including Colton, obviously) are even bigger holes than the men, so I can't in good faith, honor, integrity, Dragonslayer piss, blah blah blah, cheer for any of them. However, it will be interesting to watch them continue to spontaneously combust through the rest of the season though.
    Game on – love, love, love it!!!

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    1. You sir, know how how to write. Well done.

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  12. Great post, great tribal council, great start to the epic bitchery of the season.

    So far I'm rooting for Jay - he made fire from nothing at all without the posturing of Boston Rob, seems to have the same southern charm as JT but with more of a villain edge to him. Jonas has the nice guy slide-under-the-radar sort of charm and it was cool to see him give Colton a small reality check, I'd really like both of them to make it to merge.

    Troyzan was absolutely right, too: there's no way the girls would've given up immunity if they had won. But he's put himself in a bad position by being so vocal about it.

    I want to see the girls get the sort of unity going that Parvati et al had going on at the end of Micronesia. The unstoppable brutal manipulative flirt machine needs to roll into town and satiate some male ego before shredding them to pieces. Unfortunately Jugs seems to be just about as even-tempered as Matt or Mike so I can't see it happening.

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  13. I don't mind Cha-Cha. at least she tried to do something practical - stole fire, and - when it didn't survive - tried to barter it the best way she could. No fire meant no water (since water had to be boiled there to be drinkable), so timing was rather critical. "Jugs" on the other hand is awwwwwfully annoying. But that makes it fun to watch.
    Colton is adorable, and he might be right about not being very disposable at this stage: it looks like his tribe intends him to be a "spy" in the girls' camp (hopefully though his fate would be different from that of another "spay" - John Cochran from the last season).
    Great first episode!

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  14. Great re-cap. I think Chelsea shoulda just gave them a chicken since they are living together (even tho matt is a major toolbag) b/c u never kno when ull need something(fire) so team men for now. And I like Cha Cha, she did the smart thing. Jugs needs to be sent home.

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  15. Oh dear! I have no idea who to root for... except for Dimples! The look on his face at tribal... well, I think the camera panned away when he shivered with arousal thinking of the ratings because these girls are a hot mess together!!!!
    _______________________________
    Dimples, however, is speechless. He still doesn't know what the fight is over and, quite frankly, neither do I. All I know is I love it. I love it, I love it, I love it! Hot messes. All y'all! This deserves a booby dip. *dips one breast in purple glitter for Jugs and the other in red glitter for ChaCha* I don't think I've ever dunked on the first day before, have I?
    _______________________________

    Well, I jumped off my couch and found only leftover spiked eggnog in a bottle from XMAS and was desperate enough to finish that off. (Improper prior planning of alcohol before viewing is sad).

    Fancy Pants is a good name, but I kept thinking Ross Matthews lil sister was going to be your name for him. Fancy Pants is definitely easier on the keyboard.

    I think that if the guys not in the frat squad team up with Fancy... it will make for a very interesting season.

    It is strange... nobody irritates me yet. I'm just looking for entertainment and ... the girls deliver with the cattiness, fire stealing (fail), chicken hoarding (win), and.... um that is about it.

    For the guys... although eyecandy is nice; for a change the non-frats are more entertaining except the comedian and nugget were mute. I assume it is producers/editing. I want to see more of them.

    One hour a week isn't enough, but your blog definitely helps fill the void. Thanks for doing what you do so well!!!

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  16. Loved the recap. When I saw the opening I too thought of your blog from last season and after seeing the whole helicopter badassness I decided that most definitely Dimples reads your blogs. Since I started reading your blogs (I read the Big Brother one as well) I have a whole new outlook on these reality shows. I'm rooting for the craziest, bitchiest, most drama filled group that I can possibly get!

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  17. Largo LaGrande said...February 17, 2012 at 4:21 AM

    Where do you think yer goin', fancy pants?

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  18. The helicopter thing was actually done several times already, in seasons past :)

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  19. Loved the episode, loved the recap.
    I have to say I am on the Salami tribe at the moment, love Cha Cha and the tribal council explosion between her and Jugs.
    If you are scraping for nics, Jay is being called Helium Head in one group I know of.
    Cannot stand that Matt, so arrogant and I hope Fancy Pants uses his idol to remove the chickenless douchebag lawyer.

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  20. Matt J. Quinlan, Attorney at Law, showed a lot of self-control by not chasing the ambulance they hauled Kourtney away in.

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  21. Too much bickering. Too much talking over each other. Dreadful sterotypes.

    Your blog was the saving grace.

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  22. Colette, you are great! Let's watch the producers stir the chicks into a frenzy to produce the required "war of the sexes". They will keep Fancy Pants around as long as John C. from last season, they feel they need the non masculine role. Where is the female version that will hang with the men?

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    1. I think that will be Chelsea.

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  23. Myr... ROFLMAOPMP Hilarious!!!! You are right though... he resisted ambulance chasing (unless production stopped him). JUST HILARIOUS!!!!!

    Thanks!
    Stacked

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  24. Oh, Survivor. I'm so glad that it's back. But seriously- SERIOUSLY- I wanted to punch my TV as I watched the immunity challenge. I think Fancy Pants was just about the only one to listen to Dimples when he told them how to jump IN ORDER TO PREVENT INJURY. I liked Kourtney, but she alienated herself in the beginning, and ended up with a game-ending injury by not fucking listening.

    The women were acting like a bunch to twats for the most part. Seriously? I'm paraphrasing here, but "if you give us fire, we'll do a pole dance for you!" Uh, what? Are you fucking kidding me? Stealing the fire- great idea. Letting it go out? IDIOTIC. I got the impression that Alicia didn't like the fact that Cha-Cha was over there, talking with and bartering with the men- SHE should be the one getting the attention! I mean, come on- look at those jugs! ::eyeroll:: Made for good drama, but she is apparently used to getting a lot of attention from men, and doesn't seem to like it when the attention is not on her.

    Matt is the product of a giant douche and a turd sandwich; a misogynistic dick who I hope does NOT stick around. Troy reminded me of Shane Powers from Exile Island- he has a whole lot of crazy in his eyes.

    I know I had more to say, but I have a blinding headache at the moment, and the searing pain is shorting out my memory... anyway, great blog Lala- I look forward to your TAR blog tomorrow.

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  25. Aaaaaaand I see you are not planning on a TAR blog this season due to the evil redheaded bitch. ::sad face::

    Unfortunately, I have a feeling Brenchel will be on for a while.

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  26. I'm back to worship Queen of the Bitches. You sure put a lot of thought and effort into this. Wit, snark, sillyness, and superior intelligence to mine, is habit forming.

    Too early for me to like or dislike anyone. I was late to this party and thank you for the cast profiles too.

    Show the host some love. My credit card number is xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx

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  27. An earlier comment indicated that you would not be blogging the next season of The Amazing Race. This made me curious so I headed over to the TAR blog to see why. A little googling about this “Brenchel" entity, combined with a visit to your Big Brother blog, has brought me up to speed. Forgive my ignorance (although, after reading that last BB blog, I suspect you might be envious of it) as I do not watch BB or TAR. I did think the opening paragraphs of this One World blog were particularly good. Perhaps they reflect disenchantment with those two shows combined with anticipatory relish at a new season of the best reality show? All things come to an end... maybe BB and TAR have simply run out of the steam provided by their basic concepts? I know, I know... it’s all about CASTING, CASTING, CASTING! But Survivor has a larger margin for error in casting in that the very nature of the game often results in people who might be ordinary in a house or an airport becoming extraordinary when confronted with the deprivation, isolation and physical demands of the game.


    "39 days. 18 people. ONE Survivor!” - I agree. When Jeff says those evocative words I want him hanging from a helicopter or on the side of a volcano or something DRAMATIC! Does Probst read your blog? Probably not. But it’s possible someone involved in production does. Maybe your call out of last season's banal delivery WAS noted. It's more fun if we believe that to be the case so therefore we all thank you for fixing that!

    I'm sorry if there is less joy in your life because of the downward turn taken by some of your favourite shows. But as a selfish person I am glad you are not blogging The Amazing Race as this will give you more time to devote to the Bitchy Survivor Blog. Maybe you could even devote 72 hours to it?

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  28. Fuck me! How hard are these recaptcha's getting to read?!
    How the hell are we gonna make drunken posts now?
    My eyes hurt, mommy.

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    Replies
    1. Your captcha was fine. I was sleeping when you posted. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to accept comments while in the dreaming state yet.

      All comments get accepted. I just happen to get a LOT of people trying to post ads for everything from Viagra to mattresses in my comments. I moderate to weed out those dickheads.

      Delete
    2. Lala, I'm fully aware of what time it is on the US East Coast when I post. I was not concerned about a delay in my comment appearing. It's just that I had to click the refresh button like, twenty times before I got a captcha that was legible enough to me to enter with confidence. I use the chrome browser and sometimes the blogspot comment system behaves a little weird with it (specifically, I click on "publish" and my comment disappears, as opposed to getting the "Your comment will be visible after approval" message).

      Now, I'm kinda pissed that you have been rejecting Viagra and mattress ads. Those two items happen to be exactly what I am in the market for. Currently I sleep on the floor and have a stubbornly flaccid penis. It's uncomfortable and frustrating.

      Show a fellow some love and let a couple of those ads through, Ok? I'm determined to have non-humiliating sex on a soft surface one day!

      Delete
  29. Where do you think yer goin', fancy pants?

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