Thursday, February 23, 2012

Quit Being Such A Dumb Broad


Once upon a time there was a candy factory run by a man with a low sperm count and a woman who spent her formative years inhaling glue. All that these two sweet-makers wanted in the whole wide world was a child. A lovely freckle-faced child to run up and down the candy aisles in flouncy dresses and pigtails in her hair. But as I said before, depleted swimmers and ovaries like raisins have made this dream all but impossible. Then one day the man had an idea. He looked around his warehouse of marshmallows, red vines, gummy bears, and lollipops and thought to himself, "Daggumit! I'll make me a daughter!" And so he toiled. Day and night for two whole weeks he stuck Gobstoppers to fondant, welded Raisinettes to Twix Bars, and stuffed caramel into hollowed out Tootsie Pops. His decades of candy making skills were challenged beyond anything he'd ever known, but in the end all of the hard work was worth it and the Kit Kat was born (Kat for short). Oh sure, her legs occasionally get stuck to the furniture and in the summer her brains (marshmallow and cotton candy) liquify and leak out of her Lifesaver ears, but she is a joy to be around and that's all that really matters, isn't it? Joy! Happiness and light, a smile you can count on. People who can read and add are a dime a dozen. The same cannot be said for a girl who poops M&M's. Let's recap, shall we?


We continue our Polynesian tale in the thick of night. The downtrodden girls with glum faces shuffle through the sand back to camp while the men, in capes and armor, stand watching over the fair maidens fire. "Just so you know, I totally watched your fire for you," says Michael. Kat's fruit roll-up face crinkles in objection, "But I'm the firestarter! Twisted firestarter!" And then her chocolate covered legs started to melt from standing too close to the fire that she didn't start or maintain so instead she pretended a bee was after her and ran away. With Kat off rolling around in coconut shavings, the women update the men on how Kourtney's ashes have been sprinkled into the ocean and how the Salami (Salani) tribe remains intact. Well, almost intact. There is still that little kerfluffle between Jugs (Alicia) and ChaCha (Christina) that needs clearing up. So through fake smiles and secret plots to drown one another, the two tentatively shake hands and vow to work together in a union of woman-ness and harmony. Meanwhile, far far away in a Parisian cemetery, through cobblestone streets and flickering streetlamps, Simone De Beauvoir's crackly old bones spun something fierce and blew stale dust as far as the eye could see. At that exact precise moment, Gloria Steinem felt a chill run through her body. She shook it off thinking nothing of it, but just you wait Gloria, just you wait...


Onto a new day. The sun is up, the air is crisp, and the ladies know that a good old fashioned sewing circle never hurt anyone. Well, except for Kat who has been sewing her fingers together for the past half hour. Anyhow, this crackerjack group of bluebirds needs a leader. Someone to guide them. Someone to say, "Kat, stop eating your toes!" That someone turns out to be Sabrina. They didn't actually vote and there was no election to speak of. Someone (perhaps the ghost of Kourtney) whispered the name Sabrina and that was that. With a long exasperated sigh Sabrina adjusts her shawl and headband and says, "A'ight. Fine. I guess I'm the leader then." It's not exactly Alice Paul leading the charge for women's suffrage, but it'll have to do for now.

The first order of business is to make a chore wheel. Monica will take care of the camp's water supply while Jugs and Kat will go foraging for food. Troop leader Sabrina advises Kat to observe the land first. Y'know, get to know her surroundings. Maybe place some markers around or at the least leave a trail of rice so she can find her way back home. Through pudding eyes Kat objects, "But I don't want to observe the land! I just want to get stuff!" She may have a point. I mean, the girl is all sugar and aspartame so the chances of her coming back to camp covered in juicy insects filled with protein is almost a certainty.


And so, after a quick workshop on the importance of turquoise jewelry, the troop disperses and begins to tackle their chore list. Monica dutifully brings bucket after bucket of water back to camp while Kim wields her axe with force preparing both lumber and firewood. Kat, however, grabs an inflatable pool raft and mutters, "I'm going to the jungle to get bananas. Laters!" With Jugs in tow, the two girls bob up and down in the water giggling over what naughty ninnies they are. Later they'll freeze ChaCha's bra and put Nina's hand in a warm bowl of water while she sleeps. Good times!


And this brings us to an incredibly awkward and half-assed Reward Challenge. Both Salami and Menudo (Manono) find large crates in their tree mail with instructions to carry the crates to a neutral location. Once there we discover that this is a "Do-It-Yourself" challenge where tribes have to untie a series of knots. Exsqueeze me? I realize Dimples' (Jeff Probst) days are busy picking out nature colored shirts and smuggling masseuses into his tent after hours, but what if there's a tie or something? What if someone gets tangled in the ropes and snaps off an ankle? What if Jugs uses this challenge as her opportunity to "accidentally" place a noose over ChaCha's neck? Too many "what if's" if you ask me. Dimples has like 2 things to do an episode. He should have been there. If not to delight us with a smart ass comment or two, then to take the mic away from comedic genius Bill who thinks the ye olde British town crier bit will kill. "Hear ye! Hear ye!", he begins. Through a menagerie of accents that took us everywhere from Jamaica to Robot World, we discover that the winner of this DIY challenge will win a tarp. According to the Oracle, rain is on it's way so this tarp is a big deal I guess.


With one extra person, the men sit out Michael and I suppose it's "Survivor's ready, go." I mean, who the hell knows? Without Dimples there I'm completely lost. All I see is a dandy in a dirndl striking a pose. I don't know whether to start voguing or throwing shade. I'm so confused!


The tribes unpack their giant macramed snaketopuses and get to work. With nimbly fingers, the men untie their way to the center in order to release the ring. However, on the women's side, Jugs is sneakily measuring ChaCha's neck and Kat is dancing around the Maypole re-knotting the untied knots. *sigh* Naturally, the men win the tarp.



Back at Menudo the men get busy doing manly things. Troyzan (Troy) measures the tarp, Jay sharpens several dozen spears, Jonas lugs some crates around, Bill and Tarzan (Greg) prepare scaffolding, Leif cracks coconuts, Michael tightens the roof, and Fancy Pants (Colton) sits on a swing with his petticoats blowing in the breeze. He's a forlorn Keira Knightley wrapping himself around and around in sadness. The ropes of the swing in symbiosis with his heart. He wasn't meant for this tribe of testicles and ball sweat. People who never leave the house without a hand painted fan in their hands aren't cut out for manual labor. Fancy Pants should be soaking in a tub of lavender and sipping mint tea with Harper Lee. In fact, it is to Harper Lee to whom I turn to help me describe Fancy Pants' place in Menudo... “[he] bathed before noon, after [his] three o’clock nap, and by nightfall was like soft tea-cake with frosting of sweat and sweet talcum.” At best he's a macaroon, not a Menudo.

Having had all he can take of dirt and bugs and sweat, Fancy Pants prances over to Salami in hopes of finding a quilting bee or a spa party. Instead he stumbles upon the women weaving a new roof. Weaving may not be quilting, but it's close! Without so much as an invitation, Fancy Pants grabs some giant leaves and gets to work. With a coo and a giggle he bemoans his own tribe and begs Sabrina to let him stay with the girls. Where last week there was love for the pastel princess, this week there is nothing but annoyance. In no uncertain terms, Sabrina tells Fancy Pants to go back to his own tribe work on building relationships over there. Way over there. Far far away. Yonder. Plus, the girls want to have a fake women's meeting where they can talk about him behind his back. Fancy Pants stares blankly into the wind for about 15 minutes hoping to blend into nature or something until Sabrina finally grabs him by his bustle and pushes him out.



Apparently it takes a lot more than a gentle shove to get rid of the poor lass as Fancy Pants pretty much just walks around in a big circle and then sneaks back into the girls camp on the opposite side from where he left. Upon seeing him, the girls shift uncomfortably and look to Sabrina get rid of him again. Before Sabrina can so much as lift him up by his garter belts, Fancy Pants calls a troop meeting. (Say what?) With a lace hanky in one hand and a parasol in the other, Fancy Pants collapses into a jumble of tears and begs for shelter. "Please y'all just let me stay." Kim turns to him and tells him point blank that he is a member of Menudo. If he stays with Salami, he could tell Menudo everything that's going on. It would be "a dumb move" for the girls to take in a member of the opposing tribe. Fancy Pants stares unflinching. Silent. It is only with a dramatic spin on his heel that he sashays off to get a drink of water. Does that mean he got the message? *shrugs shoulders* I have no idea. Your guess is as good as mine.

Night falls and fortunately for the girls, Fancy Pants has retreated to his own tribe. Since his effort to become a girl scout failed, he is now going to attempt to buy himself some new friends with his Hidden Immunity Idol. With a poke and a stroke, Fancy Pants rouses Jonas, Troyzan, Leif, and Tarzan from their slumbers. Groggy eyed and confused the men stare at the fop in the full dressing gown and wonder what's going on. "I... have... the... immunity... idol and I'm not going home," Fancy Pants declares. Can I just say that he could perhaps work on his conversational skills a little bit? A salutation here and there or a simple "Hi, you may not know me, but I'm Fancy Pants." could work wonders when trying to make new friends. To just dive in and hurl an Idol at the men's faces is a little abrupt. Even for a maiden fair. Long story short, the men are intrigued and it looks like we have a new alliance of 5. Their targets are "the muscle" which translates to Michael or Matt. I'm no Mattematician, but I think 5 equals more than 4 doesn't it Matthew? You still sittin' pretty, buddy?

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. For today's challenge, both tribes will line up side by side on a narrow balance beam over water. One tribe member at a time must move across the balance beam and around the other tribe members. If you fall off, you go back to the start. If you touch two people at once, you go back to the start. When one tribe member reaches the finish platform then the next tribe member goes. First tribe to get all their tribe members on the platform wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!

The men sit out Tarzan and we're off. Kat is up first for the women with Leif up first for the men. Leif nimbly and quickly weaves in and out of several of the men's legs, but makes a mistake when he inadvertently touches two men at once. He jumps in the water and goes back to the start.

Meanwhile, Kat turns to face Monica and then never does anything else. She just stands there. Monica begins to wave her arms in an effort to shake Kat loose, but her sticky Twizzler legs aren't going anywhere. Under the glare of the sun, her sugar limbs are turning into syrup. With some frantic grabs at the air and the hollowing out of her chesticles, Monica manages to finally slide Kat off of her and onto Chelsea. While over on the men's side Leif is now finished and Fancy Pants is up next.

Feeling the pressure, Kat clicks her jellybean teeth and moves through the women with such force that she slams into Kim. ChaCha reaches out her arm to save Kim from falling and bzzzz. Kim and Kat have to jump in and Kat has to start over.


On the men's side, all we hear is "Hold me! Hold me! Hold me!" What we don't hear are splashes as the men continue to get more members of their tribe on the final mat.


The same cannot be said for the women's tribe. ChaCha keeps grabbing onto her tribemates' arms while Kat begins to spontaneously dive into the water chasing after snorks and Nemo. A frustrated Monica finally takes the helm and decides to show those bitches how it's done. The only problem is that Kat keeps poking her in the arms and giggling. Bzzzz! Back in the water Monica. Kat does a backflip off the beam while Dimples shakes his head in disbelief. Nina shouts, "Ya dumb broad!" and this is quickly becoming my most favorite challenge ever.

Monica makes her second attempt and declares, "It's ok. I do Pilates. My core is strong. Just move me." And god bless Pilates because she makes it! The only problem is that she makes it when the men are pretty much done and that's all she wrote. MEN WIN IMMUNITY!!!

The women stand saddened wondering what went wrong. KAT. Chelsea thinks that maybe it was their boobs. KAT. Nina blames a lack of teamwork. KAT. And Monica, well Monica is sad for womenkind as a whole. I'm sorry Gloria. I tried to warn you earlier.


Back at the Salami camp it's time for the women to gather around and share their innermost feelings about the challenge. Kat begins by sheepishly apologizing for her lack of communication skills. Lack of communication? Nuh uh sister. Try lack of movement, lack of thought, lack of breath, lack of any nutritional value whatsoever! Look my little gummy bear, I'm sorry to have to say this but you're a flip-flop. You're a wind chime, a tinkle on the wind. A tra-la-la. A careless whisper. You're Wham without George Michael. There's no point to you! I guess it's not your fault. I mean, you didn't put oreo cookie filling into your brain, your father did. You're just doing you and I'm sure that that's charming on a dessert table or in a goodie bag, but this is Survivor, doll baby. Sur-vi-vor! Actually, have you ever thought about trying out for Big Brother? I can personally guarantee that they'll cast you. Just tell Allison that Jordan sent you. You're as good as gold.

So now that we've talked about that pinwheel Kat, let's discuss Nina. For some reason, she's considered a target this week. I'm not sure why. Sure, she's of few words, but she hasn't screwed up and she contributes in camp. Perhaps there's something we're not privy to. I'm not sure. All I know is that Nina is OVER Kat. O-ver! Over it. Nina confides in Monica that there is no way the tribe will survive and succeed as long as Kat is still around gathering dust. Monica agrees, but the problem is that their alliance is small. It's just them and ChaCha. Nina realizes this but hammers home the idea that right now, with Kat blowing bubbles in the background, they're witless. A witless tribe which, as you know, is problematic in a game that calls for you to "outwit".



A move has to be made. Nina and Monica need to make the other alliance realize that they'll just keep losing with Kat in the camp licking the dirt. Here's the thing though, Nina has a genius way to sway everyone. Did you know that she's not only a retired cop, but was pretty much the G.I. Jane of the S.W.A.T. team? Read my little bio on her - she's Demi Moore and "suck my dick!" and all that. The problem is that, for god knows what reason, she's decided to play the game keeping her back story a secret. Maybe that was a good idea in the beginning, but desperate times call for desperate measures. When that camp was looking for a leader, you should have stepped up Nina. You should have said, "I spit in the Master Chief's face and I can do one handed push-ups. I'm more than qualified for this job."

While Nina doesn't exactly regale the girls with story of how she kicked the shit out of Viggo Mortensen, she does slyly hint to Chelsea that Kat should be going home. On the surface Chelsea seems to be on board. She confesses to Nina that she's been embarrassed ever since she arrived in that blasted camp. They're the mockery of the island as far as she's concerned. Chelsea knows Nina is right about Kat. We can see it on her face. Hell, we can hear it ourselves when she tells Kim. Kim, another tough girl. Another sensible tough girl who will see that sweets do nothing more than rot your teeth and give you a headache. Right?

And this brings us to Tribal Council. Stern Mrs. Dimples stands waiting for the girls with a crop in his hand and his hair pulled back into a tight bun. "Well, here you are again girls," he cackles. "You're here because of your complete and utter dysfunction." Ouchie. "No little girl at home wants to be you! No one is rooting you on! Now assume the position." He taps the crop against his thigh as he waits to hear reasons why the girls think they suck so bad. Kim utters the catchphrase, "It's our lack of communication." Oh shut up. Shut. Up. Look, Kat learned that phrase in Comm 101 and hasn't let go of it since. Don't let it be your guiding mantra. This is the same girl whose blood runs thick with peanut butter and pees maple syrup. Get with the program Kim! We like you, ok? We like you and we like Chelsea, but this weird bond with the sugar queen isn't doing you any favors right about now. Are you stuck to her? Has she melted into you? Help me understand.

While you're thinking about it, let's check in with Nina. Oh lookie, now she's telling everyone about her history taking down perps and tazing the bad guys. Nice! Now that she's put that all on the table, how about we hear about Kat's life experience. Kat, you're up.

"Well, once I lived in a gumball machine for 2 whole years!" Thank you Kat.

This is such a no brainer. Let's send Little Debbie home and get these women into shape for next week. This can go no other way than the obvious, right? Right?!? The women will do the smart thing here, yes?

You know what? I can say it as much as I want and I can hope and dream and wish on a star and all that crap, but nothing will change the travesty of last night. The 2nd person voted out of Survivor: One World is Nina. Nooooo! I didn't even get to give her a nickname or anything. It's almost enough to make me long for the days of Rhode Island (Redemption Island). Almost.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Will the women ever win a challenge? What the hell were Chelsea and Kim thinking? Will Matt uncover the secret of the Idol? Are malt eyeballs really a food group? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

PLEASE DO NOT COPY AND PASTE THIS POST WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR. Thanks.

42 comments:

  1. So far the women on this show are the WORST ever cast...they suck at EVERYTHING. Nina was probably worried about making herself a target by not letting others know her background...but that was a big mistake. I like the misfit alliance on the mens tribe. AT least there might be some intrigue and intersting happenings there. With the women it is just embarrasing to be a woman...

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  2. I can't believe that you didn't mention -- or maybe just missed it -- the moment when Kat walks over and farts on Alicia! Maybe she was just pushing out a lemon drop or something, but watch the video at 31 minutes 36 seconds in.... CLEARLY walks over and farts on her. Yup. Go Girls!

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    1. Seriously? Damn! I did miss that. What the hell.

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    2. Oh Yeah ~ the look on Nina's face was priceless.

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  3. You hit the sweet spot on this one Lala. Maybe the girls (can't really call them women) realized that keeping Kat around makes for better TV, ala Phillip. They did us a favor anyway--I am very weary of CSI. Personally I think that Kat and Cochran would make the perfect couple. Why don't we construct a suvivormatch.com for the many ex players and see if we can get them hooked up. And while I don't believe that Fancy Pants will (Richard)Hatch a plot to get to the end, it looks like he may out muscle the Gang of Four for awhile, which will be seriously entertaining.

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  4. Ha ha! I think I developed a cavity and pulled a crown loose reading your description about Kat. I am surprised the women did not turn on Kit Kat after she shed some tears but it was obvious they decided to vote out Nina before going to Council. What's up with Monica's vote for Cha Cha? Was it to shake things loose and maybe target Cha Cha next when the ladies return to the House of Dimples? But after last nights episode, two things became clear to me: boobs get in the way when women golf and boobs get in the way when women try to go around each other on balance beams. Go Boobs!

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  5. Fancy Pants is so annoying and what a difference a week makes where last week he was welcomed with open arms.
    The women of Salami are slowly falling apart and only a tribal reshuffle or a similar miracle from the 19th player of recent seasons to save them from coming Ulong #2.
    I did think Kat was gone but in a way I am glad it was Nina because for many reasons, it makes your writing of next weeks episode more entertaining if the women continue on their losing ways and I don't have to be subjected to that fat lip she sustained when she was punched in the face by last weeks net while attempting a routine LAPD SWAT Team training routine.

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  6. Sad day to be female! The old ladies always go before the cute young things. Doesn't need to make any sense, just the way it is.

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  7. Please dont give them the idea of putting Kat in the BB house. She makes Jordon look like a genius.

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    1. They are both products of the educational initiative known as The "Race To Whatever"

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  8. Of course voting out Nina was stupid, but we've seen this over and over on Survivor.

    Some five-person tribe gets made early on - almost arbitrarily - and then the five people stick with it, even though it's so often more rational to vote one of them out.

    It's like these players can only think one move ahead - "I don't want to be the next one voted out, and I won't if I keep this tribe." They never consider that keeping weak people in the tribe will ensure that they will all ultimately be voted off.

    Or they consider it - the way Chelsea and Kim did - but then don't have the courage to pull the trigger. So aggravating.

    It's SO OBVIOUS that they're number one priority has to be to strengthen the tribe, or else they're dead, but they don't care.

    To be fair, Kat isn't the weakest physical player ever (she's not that wisp of an Asian woman from last season, whose name I happily forgot), and Nina isn't exactly some Challenge God (she's not Ozzy), but still, it was so obvious that the Challenge potential for Nina was much greater.

    But Kat was in that five-person alliance on the first day, so she stays.

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  9. Oh Goodness this recap was one of my favorites. Fancy Pants gives you so much material to work with that I find myself enjoying the jokes regarding him the best (i.e. "dandy, petticoat". Your opening paragraph was very clever today. Once again, I don't know how you come up with these things. I firmly believe that you are so talented and well known that Dimples does read your blog!

    So as far as the game goes. As soon as Nina was voted off, I began cheering for the boy tribe. Those girls sealed their own stupid fate. They are up against MEN, why would you get rid of anybody strong in that situation?
    An alliance of 5 girls isn't going to help them when there are 8 or 9 men (+Fancy Pants) left. I do however love the "Misfit" alliance. And since the girls are voting off the stronger women, it probably won't hurt the Misfits to eliminate the 1 or 2 arrogant men on their own tribe using the idol (if that works). This could be interesting.

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  10. Great blog, LaLa, as usual. The mental image of Kat & her candied limbs cracked me up. I realize that the game for these survivors is over. They're done and watching each week like we are but I want to scream at these gals!!! YOU'RE EMBARASSING ME!!!!!!!

    The women's team is a stereotype (as is Colten) and I object but unless they can start doing SOMETHING they will remain stereotypical cartoons of women. If you ask a guy what women talk about he'll probably say,"They talk about feelings & communication." Stereotype but in this case it's true and it's pissing me off.

    They should not perceive themselves as a tribe of women or the women's tribe but as Salami, the SURVIVOR tribe. Cut the "can't we all get along?" bullshit and Be. A. Tribe. It's also bullshit that women can't get along and therein lies another stereotype perpetuated so far this season. Drop me and 8 of my closest & dearest girl friends in the South Pacific next season on Survivor and we'll show you a competitive, functioning tribe! Get it together, ladies, you're embarassing women everywhere. Afterall, this isn't The Bachelor. It's Survivor!!!!!

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    1. I couldn't agree with you more. What makes these people lose every coherent thought the second they hit the beach??

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  11. What a hot mess. I’m not even sure where to start. My mind is still filled with so many disturbing images from last night. Tarzan’s demented loincloth ritual dance around the fire, Nina’s humungous looking-like-I’m-addicted-to-Botox lips, Fancy Pant’s limp wristed “Survivors, ready, go” action in the DIY challenge….I’m still a bit nauseous.
    Colton - Someone, please get him a tissue and some Midol, cause girl is seriously having a moment.
    Nina – Blondes should never call other blondes “Dumb Blondes”. Ever hear the one about people in glass houses and stone throwing??
    Kat – Your momma would be so embarrassed if she knew that you cut the major cheese on worldwide television. Well done, Miss Piggy.
    Tarzan, for the love of God, put on some pants.
    Bill – You are not British, Scottish, Irish, or whatever the hell that was - never have been, never will be. Don’t do that again, please.
    Women, I am ashamed to share a gender with you.

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    1. I am right there with you.

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  12. Hey sorry Lala, I copy pasted your blog to Surviver Sucks. I didn't foresee you having any problems with that (there's links to this site in the comments and title and it gets a wider audience. I could have just posted a link but whenever anyone posts a link on sucks I usually ignore it so I copy/pasted.)

    Do I have your blessing to continue?

    Either way you're still my favorite blog :)

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    1. Hey, I appreciate all the support and your enthusiasm, but having people read my posts at a site other than here actually hurts my blog in the long run. I get advertisers based on hits and who knows how many hits I'm missing if people are reading the blog elsewhere. Plus, I like being able to read everyone's comments and interacting with the readers. Links and a few quotes are fine, but anything more than that is kind of like stealing. Whatever is already up at SS is fine, but I'd prefer it if you just posted links from now on. I'm thrilled you enjoy the blog so much and thanks again for coming forward. I do appreciate it. And start commenting here bitch! With a name like cochransmyboy69, I'd love to hear what you have to say.

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    2. Aight aight, I'll comment. I loved the Kiera Knightley/Colton metaphor and how he's a lavendar cuppcake with talcum. But my favorite part of the episode, and I'm so glad you have a freeze frame of it, is Colton on the crate announcing the challenge. Just look at him in that picture and imagine him saying "Oh no you di'in't Laquiya!" He does that look on purpose, right? There isn't, like, a gay gene that makes you have a limp wrist and all that is there?

      But about the blog, I kinda went on an adderrall/procrastinating on hw binge yesterday for two hours and posted all your episode entries for the past 5 seasons in the thread. :/ So if you'd like I could have the thread deleted and start a new one with just a link and an excerpt from the blog.

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    3. Oh boy, uh yeah just go ahead and delete the thread altogether then. Thanks!

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    4. If you want more support why don't you tell us more about yourself. It may help connect you with your audience better.

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    5. I didn't realize I had a problem connecting with my audience. Uh, thanks?

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    6. Well you said "I get advertisers based on hits and who knows how many hits I'm missing if people are reading the blog elsewhere" which I thought meant you want as much support as possible. So if you connect with your audience more, you might get more support. I was just trying to help...didn't mean to offend you. I love your blog. Its actually the only one I read lol.

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    7. We are all children of the glitter-dunking boob circle. Ain't no other connection needed hon :)

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    8. I made sure it was deleted. Still got banned though. Me and my ghostie! grrrr. I'll set up a new thread with a link and an excerpt once I get to a computer with a different IP address!

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  13. Great blog as usual. Really it seems like only Sabrina and Monica are even functioning on the ole girls tribe.

    Also I'd like to propose Bronas as a nickname for the delightful sushi chef; whenever he gets a line on-camera it almost invariably contains 'bro'.

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  14. I have a feeling its gonna be very entertaining watching kat try and prove herself teeheehee.

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  15. Let me just try to sort this out...There's an alliance of 3 (Monica, Cha-Cha, Nina) and an alliance of 5 (Alicia, Sabrina, Kat, Kim, Chelsea). Kat is a complete moron and a drain/embarrassment to the tribe. Nina approaches Chelsea, who approaches Kim to band together and vote out Kat. Thus making a new alliance of 5 (Monica, Cha-Cha, Nina, Chelsea, Kim). This is a no-lose situation for Kim and Chelsea. They are still in a dominant alliance, now with some pretty decent women and leaving Mean Girl Alicia and Clueless Kat in the minority. (Don't really know where Sabrina would land in all of this but she's not significant to the thought process.) But they don't do it!

    My question is, WHY???? Why did they not choose to abandon Alicia and Kat, who so deserve it?? For my answer, I had to return to my high school roots. Alicia is the mean girl who is always ditching class, writes nasty things about you on the wall in the boys' bathroom, and locks you in your gym locker. She's the girl that everyone knows will never amount to anything in this world. BUT NO ONE WILL STAND UP TO HER!!!!

    Where is John Hughes when we need him? I've got a few girls who need to watch a few coming-of-age, little-guy-stands-up-to-the-bully movies. Those girls needed just a little bit of backbone to stand up and put themselves in control and in a better position and they couldn't do it! Monica and Nina would have been 100 times more loyal than Alicia and dear little Kit Kat. I think Sabrina would've seen the light too and the alliances would've been 6-2. SO frustrating!

    Alicia is the problem, and no one has the guts to stand up to her and turn the tables.

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  16. I finally got a chance to actually read the blog and I'm happy I did because it softened the blow of such a shitty episode. The entire time I was reading I kept thinking one question over and over: "Where the fuck does she get this stuff???" Well, I don't know where, but its brilliant. Nice job.

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  17. I think the next move is for the men to figure they have no competition from the women so they might as well start eliminating each other. If Colton and his new clique can hold together, they might be able to eliminate some of the muscle to the point where we have only idiots and incompetents playing the game. Meanwhile if the women shape up and outlast the fratricide, there is a chance some of them might make it to the end but not before we have to listen to endless patronizing macho bullshit. This does not bode well. I just hate it when everything revolves around hysterical drama. A little bit is entertaining but at some point I want to see people gird their loins and start splashing blood on the doorposts. Let's go already ladies.

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  18. I think one of the problems is the casting. I realize they want sex appeal, but I'm tired of a majority of bimbo men and women on the show. If they feel they need sexy, find some sexy older women and make the older women a majority. I truly believe a core of 35-45 year olf women would learn to function as a group much better than bimbo central. Dawn did great last season but never had a chance. Every season the older, smarter, better woman player gets offed early.

    And while I can't stand Colton, worthless dung, I love the other misfits. This season is pretty crappy so far. I hope it gets better.

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    1. "If they feel they need sexy, find some sexy older women and make the older women a majority. I truly believe a core of 35-45 year olf women would learn to function as a group much better than bimbo central. Dawn did great last season but never had a chance. Every season the older, smarter, better woman player gets offed early."

      I totally agree and it will be a SHAME if Monica goes this early. She is strong physically and mentally.

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    2. That's a good point. Hopefully, they'd have grown out of the dopey bickering these younger women seem to engage in.

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  19. Voting Nina out and keeping Kat was stunningly stupid. I'm embarrassed too, Monica ~ so embarrassed that I just can't pull for a tribe of nitwits who never stop doing stupid stuff. By the way ~ why did Monica not vote for Kat?
    Gotta pull for the men ~ the new alliance of 5 ~ and anyway, Troy is hot, so that makes it easier.
    And puhleeze ~ vote Jugs out ~ she's ridiculous.

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  20. @Jer, you nailed my daydream for next season. I would love to see Survivor played out with everyone between the age of 30 and 50. And I'd really love it if they also had everyone be of (somewhat) similar physical ability.

    I get that they want younger viewers--so fine, I say throw in a couple of younger women and couple of young guys too. I do *not* see older players entirely excluding younger players based solely on age--whereas younger players are extremely prone to doing so.

    Survivor also really screwed up last season when they showed Coach quickly making his alliance-of-5. I think it was like drawing a how-to cartoon that even an idiot like Kat can figure out. They just made it way, way to easy. People who don't know each other at all can now make their alliance-of-5 before they even make it to their campsite. And they can do it easily even if you've got a couple of idiots.

    Lastly, I'm so glad that the bible thumping has been left in the dust. Hope it stays there. ick. It was offensive to Christians and non-Christians alike.

    Loving, loving the recaps. Thx!!

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  21. I think Kat should have asked at Tribal Council why, if Nina was so athletic, she managed to bash her own face in on the net. While it might not have been the case here, future contestants should take note that crappy language ("dumb blond") spoken about your team-mates might put you in a bad light, which can be reason enough for summary dismissal.

    I couldn't believe how Fancy Pants whined his way over to the women's tribe and BEGGED for acceptance, which was downright disgraceful to all men! But equally despicable was how the whole Salami tribe treated him (her?). I would have thought that the women would have brought him into the fold, and used him to feed mis-information to Menudo - now that's a social game! But I do hope that Fancy Pants at least shows some Kahunas, puts the entire women's tribe on his #@%& list, and takes the stragglers out in due time. But then again, this is Fancy Pants, and this is Survivor...

    Great Recap, Lala!

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  22. Germaine Greer interjected...February 24, 2012 at 9:03 PM

    ...Because you're wrong! So shut up! How DARE you criticise Kat! She is a ray of sunshine, a gorgeous and carefree example of womanhood! When she bounced over to Alicia and gleefully discharged her intestinal wind I knew at once that she was an independent, rebellious young woman who has avoided being indoctrinated into a Stepford Wife like that loathsome Monica. This is not about something as banal as "competence" or as prosaic as the winning of money, you foolish, glitter tossing cynic. There is a bigger picture here! This is about, oh how did my close friend Madonna put it? Expressing Yourself! Yes, that's right, my close friend Madonna was gleefully cheering on Kitty Kat as she expressed herself by deliberately flouting the rules imposed upon her by that prototypical misogynist Jeff (ooh, I can barely write his name) Probst. *Uh! spit!*

    Not only once, but TWICE did she express herself by following her natural feminine whimsy and gracefully diving into the the bosom of the ocean, in contrast to the men who, like good little soldiers, followed orders to the letter.

    It's women like you and this Nina, women who focus on mundane practical outcomes, who ultimately reinforce the patriarchal hegemony that results in thousands of our sisters ironing shirts all day while watching "The View". Slack-jawed, they stoically await the return of their man, only to endure a joyless and debasing penis stabbing at the end of a long day of thankless toil.

    As you have a platform, so to do you have a responsibility. In my day there was no "internet". There was no "blogging". There was no reality fucking TV at all (yes, that's right... I swear whenever I feel like it. Is that a problem for you? Do you have a problem with me expressing myself? - Madonna is a close personal friend of mine you repressed American!). Which is not to say that "American" is necessarily pejorative. I concede that Harper Lee is American, for example. Despite your complete misunderstanding of Kitty Kat's courageous and empowering behaviour, you were clever enough to make excellent contextual use of that passage from "To Kill a Mockingbird". That is a work I greatly admire. I think Harper would have been besotted by this Colton Cumbie. Well, at least for an afternoon or so. After that I think she would have wanted to stomp all over his fucking face.

    Oh, the mention of "To Kill a Mockingbird" has made me a little maudlin. I was in love with Scout you see. I've been searching for my Scout for years, but to no avail. Sometimes it's bloody lonely being a revolutionary like Madonna and I. Say, maybe we got off on the wrong foot. How about you ignore all the vitriol I just spewed and meet me for cocktails and cunnilingus tonight? I just really, really need my pussy licked. I was talking about this very subject with my close friend Madonna just the other night, in fact. I did mention that Madonna is a close personal friend of mine, didn't I?

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  23. I do not want to imply that some of your blogs are inferior to others. No, like men, all blogs are created equal. But we both know that some blogs are more equal than others, don't we?
    Well, this is the second most equal blog of yours that I have read. And only two episodes in at that! Well done.

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  24. I would love to leave comments, but I lost interest in the shows. One has women vs men... wow, so exciting. And Amazing Assholes has the couple that in my mind completely destroyed Big Brother for a span of over two years. So love ya Lala, but I can't stand CBS and the dipshit fuckheads that think and agree to these casts or ideas and believe it works. I was going to watch Survivor, just because it seems like no one was coming back, only to find the only reason was probably because of Bird Girl and Neanderthal Man on the other show. I wait to see how bad Julie Chen and her pack of monkeys do to have another extremely awful BB for the trifecta. Happy early St Patty's day ;D

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  25. For some reason the producers and directors are getting perverse pleasure in re-running the most irritating cast members from other reality shows. I would prefer new irritating cast to at least give us something new to chat about. The best example is Boston Rob, I still cannot understand what he is saying, after too many appearances. The producers outnumber the older tribe members for the desired effect, the producers must be 25 years old themselves and maybe trying to hook up with their favorites, who knows what is going on back at base camp, it might be interesting if an "insider" would spill the beans, bring on TMZ.

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  26. Can't wait for this week's blog!!! OMG - have I changed my mind about Fancy Pants!! What a jerk!!!and they're all following him like little sheep - giving up immunity was CRAZY!!! After everything colton said (and his whole attitude) during tribal council, I was hoping they all would have voted him off. What Bill said at the very end proved he's the better person.

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  27. We are all children of the glitter-dunking boob circle. Ain't no other connection needed hon :)

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