Thursday, March 29, 2012

Balls Hanging On Both Sides


A tropical island paradise once so ripe with promise, so thick with what could be, has amounted to nothing more than a squirt in the night. A poot on the wind. A dollop in our shorts. After 96 seasons in Samoa, the air is no longer pregnant with possibilities. The formerly thick, sweet, and fragrant atmosphere of this Polynesian utopia is now an arid wasteland of tumbleweeds and fecal matter. The wind blows and with it, the last remnants of life. We've squeezed out all we can from this Shangri-La. The nectar is gone. The juice is all dried up. However, it is a wonderful place to visit if you're in the market for some new breasts. I can't promise that you won't have big toes for nipples or areolae for eyes when all is said and done. It's a toss of the dice how you'll emerge, but the prices are competitive and you get to recuperate on a beach so I guess that's something. Occasionally the good doctor smells a teeny bit like doody and refers to your breasts as "those things right there", but just go with it. Getting into an argument will only delay things and, trust me, the sooner he whacks you over the head with a coconut (anesthesia), the sooner you'll get to wake up with your brand new perky crab claw chesticles. You may never wear sheer camisoles again, but you'll get a bargain and that's all that really matters. Let's recap, shall we?


We continue our jungle nightmare under the cover of night, of cloudless climes and starry skies. It's a wine and cheese party, bitches! A crisp bubbly Vouvray from the Loire Valley perhaps. Maybe a round of nutty custardy Camembert. Sauvignon blancs, pinot noirs, goat cheeses from Spain, gorgonzolas, those stinky bleus. Oh, who are we kidding? This is a Boone's Farm/Cheese Whiz/Ritz cracker type of soiree. It's a pass the bottle around cheese squirtin' kind of a gathering. When the bottle of Sun Peak Peach reaches Jonas, this Utah resident (Mormon?) politely declines, "I don't drink so someone else can have my sip." Jugs (Alicia), crouching low picking up Ritz crumbs with her saliva soaked fingers, snatches the bottle from the sober Jonas and swigs. Jugs is unsure of her place in this newly united tribe and even more unsure of ChaCha's (Christina) place in it. That Fancy Pants (Colton) really screwed things up for her by taking the Idol home with him and now she needs to decide whether to roll with her homegirls or defect to the penis crowd. Only time will tell which way she swings. Until then, Kat just dropped a grape on the ground and Jugs has some crawling in the dirt to do. Good luck Jugs.

The next day a groggy smattering of homeless looking people sit around the dwindling campfire and wonder aloud what to call their new home. Dumbasstopia? Poolantis? Suddenly, a little man of even littler words mumbles, "Tikiano." It is Leif and he has decided to speak today. "Tiki is God and ano is year." If I may interject for a mo', we have a serious problem. Firstly, año is year not ano. Secondly, ano is anus. From the Proto-Indo-European ano- meaning "ring". A-nus. Butthole. Poop shoot. Rectum. Oh wait, actually that's pretty fitting. Yes, let's name the tribe God Of The Anus. Leif, you are a quiet genius my friend.


With a perfect tribe name and a world of possibility, Jonas is preparing Tikiano a breakfast of lightly caramelized young coconut with a splash of sea water. Kim fidgets awkwardly and giggles to herself, "That's awesome Jonas. I'm excited to have you here." And this brings us to a new nickname. *glitter falls from the sky* An astute reader of this here little bloggy blog has observed that Kim actually comes to Survivor with more than the personality of a bran muffin. She comes to us wearing a thick and lustrous mustache. A fleecy downy display of woolly deliciousness. Therefore, I now erase all remnants of "Kim" and give you "Handlebar". Welcome Handlebar.


With breakfast on the stove and Handlebar twirling her whiskers in anticipation, Jay gets to work on making some coffee. One scoop, two scoops, three scoops... "I only need one scoop Jay," advises Tarzan (Greg). Jay continues ladling in the Arabica and replies, "This is for the people that won it. You didn't win this." Aghast and offended, Tarzan is stunned to hear that a fellow penis person isn't planning on making him a cup o' joe this fine morning. It is here that we discover that Jay was indeed serious about abandoning his former tribe. He has found camaraderie and companionship with the new Salami (Salani) and, as far as he's concerned, any loyalties that existed in the past are no more. To Tarzan this revelation couldn't be more unwelcome. He quickly pulls Michael into the trees and asks, "You wanna be part of the team? You wanna be part of my invisible magical team that includes all of the men and Jugs? It may not exist in the physical world, but it's alive and well in my err... uh, what's it called? Oh let's just call it a noodle for now. You know what I mean. So, you in?" Michael smiles to himself and nods knowing full well that he has no intention of going anywhere, let alone further into this game, with Tarzan.

And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. For today's challenge the tribe will be split into two teams. On Dimples' go, one member of each team will race through a series of obstacles and dig up a bag of puzzle pieces. Once the teams have collected all four bags, the remaining two tribe members will work together to solve a puzzle. The first tribe to get it right wins a pizza & beer party plus a secret note. Our two tribes are as follows: Jugs, Jay, Sabrina, Prunes (Chelsea), ChaCha, and Troyzan (Troy) competing against Leif, Kat, Michael, Handlebar, Jonas, and Tarzan. Survivors ready, go.


Jay and Leif burst out of the start and into a gated obstacle where the only way through is under. Both begin to dig furiously as Dimples wonders aloud why Leif was sent to initiate the challenge. Seriously, what genius came up with that strategy? Leif is scrappy and tough, but he has the smallest arms and doesn't require that large of a hole to squeeze through. The dude sleeps in a milk crate for crying out loud! Naturally, the bigger stronger Jay gets through first and goes on to retrieve his bag of puzzle pieces while Leif, poor Leif, sits trapped sinking in the quicksand.

Eventually, Leif squirms through, but the other side now has a one person lead. While Prunes, sans chapeau, races back, Handlebar and her gangly limbs are splayed all over the place stuck in the too small hole. At home I scratched my head wondering why they didn't sub Michael in to dig a bigger hole. Anyhow, with sand in her whiskers and time fleeting away, Kim wriggles through while Jugs and her jugs make it through her team's hole fine.

It's when Kat and Sabrina go head to head that the once huge lead narrows. Sabrina sits stuck while crackerjack Kat flies through the obstacle course and makes it back in time for Michael to narrow the gap even more. On her way back to the finish, Sabrina sits stuck again and succeeds in completely losing her tribe's entire lead.


At the puzzle stations we've got Jonas and Tarzan up against ChaCha and Troyzan. Both teams work well together with Jonas doing all the work on one side and ChaCha and Troyzan working in tandem on the other. After fondling and juggling all of his puzzle pieces, Tarzan finally places one in it's correct spot. Dimples remarks, "Tarzan with a piece now." Offended, Tarzan walks over to Dimples and insists that he's placed more than one piece in that puzzle. And does Dimples know that Tarzan can also sew crustaceans together with human limbs? He can and I have the clam shell tits to prove it (hey, I was short on cash!). And so, with Tarzan lecturing on how bivalves work wonders during vaginal rejuvenation, ChaCha and Troyzan pull ahead and ORANGE TRIBE WINS REWARD!!!


At the Reward shack where gooey cheesy pizzas and frosty beers await, an excited Orange tribe enters. The scene is one of merriment and joy as the tribe clicks bottles together happily. Even Jugs and ChaCha are sitting next to each other without incident, without Jugs breaking bottles over ChaCha's head, without shards of glass in ChaCha's eyes. I wonder what's wrong with Jugs...

The conversation is rapid and lively with Sabrina proudly recapping the day's competition. Uh, no offense Sab, but you almost lost it for your tribe. Of all the people in the world happily recounting the challenge, you're kind of the last person who should be talking. Just congratulate everyone on a job well done and then hush up. And now we've got the little matter of the secret note to get to. Unless you're a surgeon who thinks a heart resides in one's knee and the kidneys live in the cheeks while we all pee out of our mouths, then you know that that note is a clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol. As a matter of fact, the losing team should have known that note was a clue as well. While the winners were stuffing their faces, the losers should've been searching high and low for an Idol. That's what I would have done. Me and my bargain basement clam shells.

So, the note is indeed about a new Idol back at camp. Prunes burbles that they should keep it a secret from everyone else. Well smack my ass and tweak my lobster claw nipples, what a novel idea! With little more than an exhale, Prunes tells us with complete disinterest and little signs of life behind her eyes (although, how can we see her eyes with that insufferable hat covering half of her face?), that she is concerned about a Menudo (Manono) finding the Idol. Don't concern yourself with that honey. I'd be more concerned about not falling asleep during your one on one interviews. And I'm not saying this just because the girl told me to kill myself, I'm saying this as a person sick to death of cornflakes screwing up my favorite reality shows. WAKE UP! Pretend you care! Do something! Do anything!


Back at God Of The Anus, Jonas tells Michael they should "get things together". Things? What things? Coconuts? Water? Scalpels? Imodium? Supplies? Thoughts? Michael looks around himself wondering what mysterious things Jonas wants to get together. Jonas mumbles, "Our plans. What our plans are." Shrugging his shoulders, Michael says nonchalantly, "I thought Tarzan already did that." Well smack my ass and pinch my oyster, this is all news to Jonas.


Seconds later Jonas pulls Tarzan aside and reprimands him for telling Michael, the least trustworthy guy on the tribe, any plans whatsoever. Jonas insists that when you reveal stuff to a guy like that, you do it at the last minute not two days before the vote. What if Michael is playing both sides? What if he blabs to the Salamis? Upon hearing this, Tarzan has had about enough of Jonas. In fact, he's had about enough of everything - this tribe, this game, toilets, toilet paper. Tarzan swears on all that is holy - bloodletting and trepanning - that he'll now go forward in this game without his tribe. Alone. Like a nomad. He'll fall on swords and then stitch himself back up using tree bark and the needles from a sea urchin. He'll wander the sands looking for mermaids to give legs to. Oh sure, they'll be frog legs or maybe turtle legs, but they'll be legs dammit.


With Tarzan off mutilating whatever he can get his hands on, Troyzan takes advantage of the afternoon siesta to search for the Hidden Immunity Idol. He pokes inside one tree and then pokes inside another... voila! Idol. I've been watching Survivor for 200 years now and I'm going to go out on a limb and make a wild suggestion: Stop hiding Idols in trees! Stop hiding them in hollowed out hunks of bark. Stop hanging them from branches like Christmas ornaments. Maybe the era of the Idol should be phased out. What say you? Let me know in the comments.

And now we arrive at the Immunity Challenge where Individual Immunity is finally up for grabs. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, Survivors will stand perched on a small log while balancing two balls on a disk. At regular intervals, more balls will be added to the disk. The last person standing with their dick, errr I mean disk, and balls wins immunity.

"So is there a new tribe name?"
"Tikiano!"
"What's it mean?"
"Anal God"
"Sweet."

Survivors ready, go!


Just as the challenge begins a giant breeze sweeps through the arena. Trees bend heavily while birds get caught in the jet stream and plummet to the earth. When they land, it's a scene out of a 19th century medical laboratory. Parrots with jellyfish bodies. Crows with fins instead of wings. Owls with hollowed out coconuts for eyes. A lone raven chattering its turtle egg teeth. No wonder they were no match for the wind. It's a miracle these distorted unbalanced creatures made it through recovery led alone back up into the sky. All the workings of a lunatic mad scientist hard at work under the cover of the jungle. *shakes head knowingly* That's our Tarzan! *jaunty music plays* Back at the challenge, balls gingerly dance this way and that. It's balltastic.


Perhaps it was the sight of his failed masterpieces or the fact that there was a load in his shorts, but Tarzan is out first. Round 2 begins with two balls and ChaCha bites the dust fairly quickly with Michael right behind her. My favorite moment and photo (Thanks to Rob at Survivor Seasons!) was when Prunes, sad wrinkly uninteresting Prunes, drops her ball. My notes say "haha!" which means my reign as the beacon of maturity continues. Seeing her best good friend drop out didn't do Handlebar any favors either as she, too, plops her balls.


Moving into Round 3 we have Jonas, Troyzan, Leif, Sabrina, Jay, Jugs, and Kat. Everyone knows a Jugs has only two bountiful jugs so, naturally, she drops the third and is out. Plop goes Jay. Plop goes Jonas. Plop goes Sabrina. Plop goes Leif. With only Troyzan and Kat left, I found myself cheering for the KitKat. Standing like a delicious candy cane, bent at the waist yet stoic, Kat stands unflinching while Troyzan wrestles a little with his balls. In the end, I think her perch was her demise as KitKat teeters off to the side and TROYZAN WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at Tikiano bitter tribe members congratulate Troyzan on his victory. Troyzan feels good about where he is the game. He's got the Idol, he won Immunity, and he's confident that his old all male alliance is still intact. Prunes, however, has different ideas. She's content with the new Salami and checks in with Jay to make sure they're getting rid of a new Menudo. Jay has decided to get rid of Jonas so he runs it by Sabrina and Handlebar who are seemingly fine with the decision. Meanwhile Jugs worries that no one has approached her yet so she pokes her head in with Handlebar who tells her that the plan is to get rid of Jonas. Happy it's not her name she hears, Jugs bounces off in the distance to gather sand fleas to slip into ChaCha's bed later on tonight.

It's when Handlebar tells Troyzan about the Jonas plan that a problem arises. Troyzan wanted bros before hos! What's this whole voting off a penis person thing?! Unhappy and worried, Troyzan tells a shocked Jonas that his head is on the chopping block. Jonas is all like, "Dude, I'm the least threatening. I'm weak. I'm a follower. I'm not scary. Why me?" He seems very proud of how not strong he is which is a little weird, but his instincts tell him to go into "survival mode". Survival mode in JonasLand means going after the one person no one has any intention of ever going after in the foreseeable future (Michael) followed by making amends to the one person no one can stand (Tarzan). I don't know how life functions day to day in JonasLand, but I'm thinking it's a place where the heat is turned on in the summer and birth control pills are taken after sex.


Anyhow, Jonas apologizes to Tarzan, who's sitting on a log wondering if anyone might want it for a spine, and so moved is Tarzan by the gesture that he begins to cry. Tears. Real tears. Rolling tears with sniffling and the whole bit. In a flash, bygones are bygones and Tarzan is overcome with joy. Pulling Leif and Troyzan into the mix, the four men wonder who to get rid of next and while Jonas is dead set on Michael, they somehow agree to KitKat whom they find to be annoying and lazy. One person's "annoying and lazy" is another person's "rolled in sugary goodness". I can't help it. She's growing on me. Plus, she didn't tell me to kill myself after reading my blog last week where I'm pretty sure I called her a Twizzler or something. There's a lesson there, Prunes.

Speaking of Prunes, she wants do some laundry. Out in the water, she rinses out her shorts while back at camp, Tarzan also wants to do some laundry. Specifically, his panties. Holding them on the end of a long stick he delivers them to Sabrina and says, "It's not poop. It's dirt." At home we all kind of looked up from our gin tumblers and said, "Como what?" And then we wondered in unison why, if there's even the teeniest tiniest chance that someone else is thinking you might have shit your shorts, you didn't rinse them off beforehand to avoid saying things like, "It's not poop. It's dirt." In that moment, my clam shells and oyster started to twitch as I wondered to myself if my plastic surgeon had bothered to wash his hands before operating on me. Well, as long as it's dirt and not poop... I guess I'll be OK. *clam shell falls to the ground*



Prunes returns to camp after rinsing her shorts in the ocean and puts them in the pot to boil when out of nowhere... Splat! That's the sound of Tarzan's doody pants landing right on top of Prunes' jean shorts. Excuse me a second.

Ahahahaha!!! AHAHAHA!!! *spits up gin* Hahahaaaaaa! HA!

Umm so yeah I guess that was rude of Tarzan or whatever. *gin leaks out of nose* Prunes stares at the doody pants in horror while Tarzan assures her that the boiling water will get out all the microbes. He's a doctor. He knows this stuff. Side note: If anyone has ever had Dr. Tarzan operate on them, please please please, I beg you, email me and send me before and after photos. I swear I won't laugh at your puffed pastry lips and pineapple breasts. Cross my heart. I just want to know if the typhoid has caused you to bleed from the eyeballs or grow extra appendages on your back. *dabs eyes and scratches fourth arm*

KitKat giggles while Prunes stomps off in a huff and tells us that she now wants Tarzan out of the game. Her philosophy is that only people with a positive attitude should stay in the game. *snorts at the irony* Hey, Tarzan was pretty positive about that boiling water killing his doody germs. You can't get more positive than that. So the new preachy queen of positivity marches over to Jay and tells him that now she wants to get rid of Tarzan. I'm not sure how Jay became the go-to guy, but it's a good position he's weaseled himself into as everyone seems preoccupied with running all future moves by him before anyone else. Jay pauses to consider this new development and wonders if revamping their plans will bite them in the ass later.

And here we are at Tribal Council where Sabrina describes Tikiano as chaotic and the opposite of peaceful. Jonas, on the other hand, cuts through the shit and gets right down to business. With nary a breath, he announces that he doesn't understand why anyone would vote out a provider this early in the game. He's a little snarky, a little right, a little ballsy. I thought to myself, "Wow Jonas, way to go." And then, and then, that pesky JonasLand mentality made an appearance and Jonas points to Michael, "Do you really want to go into Immunity Challenges against this guy?" *smacks self in head* Ugh, Jo-nas! You were doing so well and then, pardon me, but you went and doodied all over everything. You are not going to get rid of Michael tonight. Fact. So why, for the love of God, why are you bringing him up now when you're fighting for your life?

Jonas continues on and announces to everyone that he'll be voting for Michael tonight. Perhaps you should take up drinking after all Jonas. I mean, why not?!

Tarzan, of course, chimes in and says he doesn't respect Jonas anymore. He thinks perhaps Jonas may have just thrown himself "over" (he said over so I guess he forgot the word "under") the bus unnecessarily. Hmm. DoodyButt may have a point there. Jonas interjects and then announces that their grand master flash plan to get rid of KitKat won't work because they don't have the votes. KitKat opens her mouth in surprise as an army of gummi bears marches out. So according to Jonas' logic, it's impossible to get KitKat out, but possible to get Michael out? *makes 'W' with fingers* Umm, ok.

And with that, Tarzan announces that they should all vote out Jonas. In fact, he declares, with 100% certainty, that he'll be writing down Jonas tonight. Well, pfft! That's it. In a matter of what amounts to mere minutes, Jonas took the wrong fork in the road and completely screwed himself.

In a surprising turn, Prunes pipes up and announces that most of the tribe has issues with Tarzan rather than Jonas. She goes through her whole positivity love and light speech and, in not so many words, calls Tarzan "dead weight". At home I figured that this must mean the new Salamis have decided to vote out Tarzan after all. Why else defend Jonas? Why else ridicule Tarzan? So, I guess Tarzan is going home then, right?


Wrong! After all that preaching, all that pontificating, all that "positivity" b.s., no one votes for Tarzan and Jonas is the 7th person voted out. So, talk to me, what happened there at the end? Prunes defended Jonas, Sabrina agreed, Tarzan invited everyone to vote him out yet Jonas goes home. Had Prunes never butt in and come to Jonas' defense, I wouldn't have been surprised by the vote because I do think Jonas built himself a giant shit sandwich that he couldn't get out of with that left field Michael crap he was peddling.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Were you surprised by the vote? Why did Prunes attack Tarzan when he wasn't getting voting out? Did she just make herself a shiny new enemy? Does anyone have any super glue that works on clam shells and flesh? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

33 comments:

  1. Thanks for another great recap, Colette!

    I believe Jeff said that Chelsea's balls dropped. Prunes may be a lady boy after all.

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  2. Hey Lala. Love your blog...like an addict waiting for his dealer I spend most of my Thursday waiting for a taste of gin and a sprinkle of glitter. If only we had a pretty pony this year. Sigh.

    First time posting a comment. I have a request...please let's nickname Tarzan DoodyPants. Please?

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    1. DoodyPants....for sure! It was his pants, after all, not his butt (that we know of....that we WANT to know of). Love love love your recaps I too look for them Thursdays and can't wait to read what delightful ways you've found to recap this show. I love your recaps more than I love the show this season!

      Delete
    2. Thanks bitch! Glad you took the time to comment this week.

      *sigh* Pretty Pony. I miss him and his beautiful mane as well. Although, he's sweeping my kitchen floor right now... naked.

      Delete
  3. I am also Lala-addicted. I also just found your blog by someone mentioning it on another blog. Love yours because I find the blog write-ups waaaaay more entertaining than the actual show. EW named Tarzan Mr. Poopy Pants - seems fitting. Drop some big ones next week!

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  4. Why am I still watching this drivel? I can't cheer for any of these losers. The men are idiots for getting outnumbered by the girls, which probably will backfire. Christina better move fast to allie with the men next week to save her hide because shae can only finish 6th at best now.I'm just watching this train wrck shaking my head. And when is Alicia going to get hers? grrrr

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  5. I knew you would love the pic of Prunes failing miserably and wanting to kill herself after dropping out...lol

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  6. Oh Colette, a fine fine recap, better than the original subject matter. Such a bunch of odd players on here. Don't worry about your clam, baby, everyone knows any dirt in there will become a pearl! Um, not really sure what a poop will become, but be sure to let us know.

    moontripper

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  7. Horrible group of contestants, but you still manage to entertain with your writings, it's amazing!

    My favorites were "poop stew", and "boring festival"....sheesh, no kidding. I really wanted to like Jonas, but he sure is boring. Nobody seems like they are really trying or being a real strategist.

    The only thing I wish you would have included, and actually was surprised that you didn't was a photo of Leif from the backside with his legs up in the air stuck in the obstacle course. That made me chuckle. What an idiot to go through on his tummy, you render your arms utterly useless doing that. Also, he has nipple piercings, I am sure all that sand and grinding his nipples wasn't a picnic.

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    Replies
    1. I don't take the photos myself. I get them from a Facebook Group called Survivor Seasons.

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  8. I loved it, as usual, but I was surprised you didn't gleefully grab onto Dimples' quality one liner about Troyzan! "Troyzan's balls haven't moved in a long time." Cracked me up.

    I'm still at a loss as to how Tarzan is still there...

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  9. First of all: Crabclaw chesticles? AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....

    Secondly,I prefer "Mr. PoopyPants".

    I THOUGHT that was a 'stache on Kim! I wondered if maybe it was the dust on my TV.

    I didn't want Jonas to leave until he kicked the hornet's nest at tribal. Serves him right. When your neck is on the line the best course to take would be to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

    Every week when Dimples says, "Are you ready for your Reward Challenge?" I thank God Redemption Island is GONE.

    Great blog, as usual. Every Thursday morning I think, "Write faster, bitch, write faster!!"

    Jen

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    Replies
    1. I think someone said that the EW blog is calling Tarzan "PoopyPants".

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  10. Nice recap, but mildly disturbing at the same time. Your failing body parts, in particular, remind us all that you get what you pay for, sometimes. I doubt Tarzan is low bidder. He might be easy, but he ain't cheap.

    Adios Jason. Why not? Well, for most of the reasons, or lack of reasoning expressed at tribal. He was selected in advance based on the same thinking. Hallucinations are rampant. He's been anyone's bitch and happy to play that role. That makes him equal to everyone else left in the game. Yes, he finally did something too late and should have shut up after listing his good points and not extending it to suggesting who anyone should select instead of him.

    Ball Cap (your Pruned arch enemy) did the same thing in his defense. It sounded pretty good until she added the word Loyal. Really? When did that happen? Lala, lighten up and let go of the grudge. A non reality star sent me an e-mail to soak my blanket in gasoline and strike a match. Girls are like that, but they don't have to be.

    You asked a question about to idol or not to idol. I think I mentioned in last season how I wouldn't be sticking my bare hand into holes in the ground or trees. Perhaps with an elbow length welding glove. I also thought that tree looked familiar. I can't look back to see where the other two idols were found.

    Keep the idol but the treasure map method is more amusing. Put your right foot in, take your right foot out. NO, your other right foot...

    Another production scramble since they had one more tribe competition set up before announcing the surprise merge last week. Dimples reminds me of a heckler on a dunk tank seat on the Daytona Beach FL boardwalk. I dare you to punch me in the face, you clamshell chested loser. Troyzan wins individual immunity and poops in Tarzan's shorts because Probst touched him.

    I have one more important question. Does anyone know an easy way to get glitter out of mustache?

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  11. I can't see kim's mustache wtf...is it for reals?

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  12. Very bitchy, very funny! Thanks for the entertainment. Dog knows the show is anything but entertaining. Pisses me off that these dummies and dullards have ruined my favorite show. What a train wreck! This may be my last season watching. You know Survivor has lost its mojo when blogs about the show are more fun than watching the show.
    Aha ;p

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    1. I completely agree. It's sad but true. After watching every season, it's time to move on. The show has just lost it's chutzpah. The casting this time was horrendous. The scenery is getting old. How about Greenland, Nome, or some other freezing cold place? Maybe if they push the boundries they could revive it...A team of blind people vs a deaf team?....The Queens(Gay) vs The Kings(Straight)....The Crips vs The Bloods....The 99% vs The 1%...Anything to stir it up!

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  13. Well, the Lord Byron reference created quite a mental miasma for me given that poop was the primary character of this episode...there was no "walking in beauty" this week. Rather, it was more like cretenish scurrying, kicked off by
    our resident tiny person whose limbo skills definitely need work (who knew: I had him at 1:5 odds of getting under the bar unscathed) and spread with diarrhea like enthusiasm all the way through to the backstabbing denouement.

    As I warned last week, the Fancy Pants eja..oops ejection was certainly at least a mini-climax and rather than bubbling over with enthusiasm at the fact that he withdrew, I found that I had a certain emptiness, which is now causing me to look a little more carefully at my Testosterone levels...so I will be doing so this week and looking forward to next Thursrday at least...thanks for injecting the usual amount of entertainment into this turd, and let's hope for better!

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  14. Lala: You have done your very best to amp up the worst episode of this season, I agree with the theory that the blog is much better than the actual show. There they were eating again, wine and cheese and pizza and beer, they don't even have to go fishing, at least we could enjoy Ozie diving in coral reefs last season. I'm 50/50 on Redemption Island, but even that would be more interesting this season. I'm calling for the demotion of the casting directors, they have horribly lost their way, they should now be cleaning Tarzan's Speedo, or re-dying Dimples' faded blue shirts. My hooded sweatshirt now sports the Survivor logo with the imprint: "Survivor Casting Directors Suck". I can't think of one interesting scene from this episode, there is not even a hint of sexual tension between any tribe members (note to producers: sex always sells). The immunity idol is a non event, I'd be suprised if one is even played this season, especially when actually needed, it apparently makes a good keepsake, though. Thanks to the DVR, one can fast forward through most of the Tribal Council, not to mention the commercials, to ease the pure boredom of this cast.

    Tom M aka "Clover Rainbowwasp"

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  15. Well, plenty of drama this week. It seems I was wrong to despair about a dearth of drama due to the departure of that despicable dandy Dolton Dumbie. Lucky I didn't Plath myself last week.

    Speaking of the Plathmeister, it really is too bad she wasn't around to hear this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEYIoJRCSXg

    Might've made all the difference, don'tcha think? Yeah, I know she wasn't a teenager but Oh stop quibbling!

    Anyways I'm afraid your blog is rather mediocre this week, and has failed to inspire me. Therefore, I will be commenting as my uninspired self today.*

    Ahem, I think it might be for the best if you skip to the footnote right now... *takes sip of scotch. The glass trembles slightly*. Go ahead, I'll wait. Come back here when you're done...

    You back? Are we cool? (Phew) *takes another sip of scotch. The glass still trembles slightly*.

    Ok, my thoughts about this episode are... are...

    Oh who cares? No-one gives a damn about my pathetic little thoughts. What's the point? You know, maybe Sylvia was onto something. Maybe I should take a carbon-monoxide fueled magic carpet ride like her. I'll just have a quick listen to that Big Fun song first.

    ...

    Well whaddya know? I feel great! It really does work! Hey folks, feeling blue? Big Fun has the answer!

    La dee da! Fee fi fo fum! Twinkle, twinkle, little star!

    Now, back to my thoughts. Ok, my thoughts are that Kim is gonna win. She is dull but good. Troyzan is good too. I like Sabrina, she is good. Jay is a bit of a dark horse. He is, uh, good.

    Fuck! What's happened to my vocabulary? That damn song has dulled my brain! Oh man, I need some LSD stat!

    Or maybe I just need to listen to this little puppy, nice n' loud http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljbBayiWglg

    Yeah, that did the trick. Check this out... deiparous, deliquescent, dendrophilous. Thanks Rez and Zepp.

    As for posting links in your comments section, well this gives me the perfect opportunity to quote a certain Jason Dean - "Dreadful etiquette, I apologize."

    And now you'll have to excuse me as that quote has aroused a fantasy within my imagination about playing strip croquet with a raven haired beauty named Veronica, and I can't very well be expected to type one handed, can I?

    I'll see you next week, when I expect your blog will have regained it's usual standard.

    (sorry, I couldn't resist. Ciao! ;-)




    *Joking! Jest! Japery! I was chuckling as I wrote it, I swear! Please don't riposte me a new asshole. I'm an adrenalin junkie, see? I like to toy with danger. Why, just last Tuesday I climbed into the tiger enclosure at the zoo and threw pebbles at the dozing carnivores. They were too lazy and stupid to do anything about it, so I'm kinda hoping you are too.**


    **Joking! Jest! Japery! I was chuckling as I wrote it, I swear! Please don't... etc etc

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    1. Someone clearly had a brain tumor for breakfast.

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  16. In terms of the vote, I was wondering the same thing--Prunes made it seem like there was going to be a split vote among the New Salami alliance, but they all voted for Jon-Ass. My guess: the New Salamis agreed to stick with their original plan to vote out Jon-Ass, and Prunes, miffed that she did not get her way, decided to pout about it at Tribal Council.

    As for the immunity idols, yes, why are they suddenly so easy to find? I thought that the creators would always hide the post-Russell idols in incredibly obscure places, but, really, in a tree? This season, Sabrina, Handlebar, and Troyzan have all found idols without exerting much effort. And, with this last one, how come Troyzan was THE ONLY challenge winner to look for it? What the hell are the others doing? Does searching for an idol with a gimme clue not fit in with their busy deserted island schedules?

    Speaking of Handlebar, she is really starting to piss me off! Did you see her basking in the sun on the SS Vagina for hours before Tribal Council. Both she and Troyzan are now in powerful positions in the game, but she is just acting flat-out arrogant.

    Great blog Lala. Keep up the good work!

    J-Bird

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  17. The whole paragraph about Prunes and Tarzan's shitty shorts was hysterical!!!! I love your bitchiness about Prunes, don't let it go as Yours Truly has suggested....your little comments are pure cattiness genius.

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  18. Love your blog . . . I have to correct you on the whole ano versus año thing. Ano does indeed mean "year" in Portugese not Spanish. So it actually does work . . . fyi.

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  19. I do have to agree with the other commentators that this cast sucks! And the producers are indeed coddling a bunch of very weak players.

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  20. Well, cornflakes just don't cut it. I require brain tumours for breakfast in order to patronize bunny rabbits!

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  21. In all truth, the catch of Kim's spectacular "stash" was kinda easy for me. My Aunt sported one that would have made Civil War generals envious. And, if you check it out a little, Jugs has a nice little starter kit going for herself as well.

    Thanks for the nod darlin!

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  22. Wow... "It's not poop, it's dirt... you're good"... Why is this Nutsack still walking around loose? They voted out the guy that turns "carmelized coconut" into breakfast and Keep Dr Al Heimer, aka "Tarzan" aka "DoodyPants" in the tribe? WTF? His social game bites and he needs to go now! Lala, the blog is why I keep watching this crap. Keep up the Fantastic work, Bitch!

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  23. prunes has a smokin body. looking hot while walking to dump her laundry in the poop soup. she seems like she'd be dead in the sack tho. but you really never know.

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  24. I knew you would love the pic of Prunes failing miserably and wanting to kill herself after dropping out

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