Thursday, March 1, 2012

Go Kill Yourself

Last night on Swamp People we met The Rain. Nature's terrible secretion. In some pockets of the universe, The Rain is a cleansing tonic nourishing the soil upon which we stand. This is not the case in Samoa, my friends. The Samoan rains are hateful little beads full of anger. Tiny pelting daggers of malice whose cries are carried on the wind and into our hearts. Pyew, pyew! You're all pruney now! Pyew, pyew! You're a racist! Pyew, pyew! Extra douchiness for you! Hurtling through space and time it is almost impossible to run from The Rain. One way or another, whether through a rickety matchstick shelter or from the plops off of a mocking palm tree, The Rain will get you and it will poison you. We're talking Hunger Games poison. Twitching on the ground, sizzling into vapors poison. You can fight The Rain, but you'll never beat The Rain. And so the Swamp People live with it and mutate. Their skins peels away revealing soft underbellies of truth. It is this truth I bring to you today. Let's recap, shall we?

We continue our Polynesian tale in blackness. Not the blackness that makes Fancy Pants' (Colton) skin crawl. The blackness of night. In silence the Salami (Salani) tribe sits huddled around the campfire as the night crackles and pops with energy. Perhaps preoccupied with their losing streak, the women stare blankly lost in their own thoughts while the wind gusts around them toppling mountains into the ocean. Uprooted trees whiz by their heads yet Kim and Chelsea sit hypnotized by the flames. Gripping his bonnet for dear life against the gale force winds, Fancy Pants tiptoes into the women's camp and makes a kindly offer, "Y'all can come over to our camp if you want. Well, except Sabrina. She'll have to stay here and fend for herself." Kim mutters in reply, "Thanks, but no thanks. We'll tough it out." And tough it out she does. For what could a little rain do to a hardcore outdoorsy gal like her?

The night departs yet The Rain stays and all we hear is a clacking. Jaws and bones... clack, clack, clack. It's Kim. Soaked downtrodden Kim. Huddled beneath her own hair, she sits in a puddle of mud and wonders where the sun has gone. The fire is nothing more than a pile of soggy leaves while the shelter of matchsticks bends and moans with the new rooftop swimming pool sloshing above. Shivering and wild-eyed, Ms. Kim has had enough. Enough! On hands and knees she crawls to the men's camp and collapses in front of their fire. I mean, we didn't need the vote or birth control anyways. It's ok Kim. Crawl away. The men stare at the pile of bones at their feet and wonder how the hell it got there while Matt, who has just returned from a trip snatching infant babies from their cribs, pokes it with a stick and wants it as far away from his bed as possible. His bedspread of newborn baby skins is the only dry thing in the shelter and that festering pile of soggy hair and bones is twitching a little too close for his comfort.

Before Matt can fluff his puppy fur pillows and realign his unicorn pelt, we've got ourselves a Reward Challenge to get to. Yup. You heard correctly - a Reward Challenge! Reward Challenges are mysterious rituals from hundreds of years ago that have been all but erased from Survivor history. They used to be a regular thing, but Rhode Island annexed the South Pacific a while back and things got weird there for a sec. Anyhow, it's back now so let's get to it.

For today's Reward Challenge, tribe members will square off in a memory test. A series of items lined up in a specific order will be revealed behind a heavy curtain. Once you've memorized the order of the items, pull the lever to drop the curtain and then race to recreate the same set-up back at your little diorama stations. First person to get it right scores a point for their tribe. The first tribe to get 5 points wins a reward of fishing gear and a canoe. As the men have 300 extra people, they'll sit out Tarzan (Greg) and Leif. Survivors ready, go.

First up is Sabrina and Matt. The curtain rises to reveal a hodgepodge of shells, skulls, and empty wine bottles (which looks surprisingly like the glass shelf in my bathroom - Pirate Chic, bitches) and the race is on. Sabrina snatches the lever and both she and Matt scurry back to recreate all they have seen. Matt lines up an entire row of skulls (wishful thinking?) while Sabrina actually paid attention and gets the point. Women - 1, Men - 0

Pair after pair continue with the women clearly better decorators than the men. Fancy Pants was a little too heavy handed with the seashells while Jay just sort of slumped over and fell asleep half way through the task. It was the battle between Dumb and Dumber though, I mean Troyzan (Troy) and Kat, that was the real nail biter. Troyzan flicked the lever without even bothering to look at the items while Kat kept trying on skulls like they were hats. Round after round passed blissfully through the drizzle and neither side could manage to rustle up a point. Finally, during the 127th round... with the shells all scuffed, the bottles in shards, and the skulls nicely broken in... Kat, with her arms full of bric-a-brac, trips over her own feet and unfurls the items in precisely the correct order. Women - 4, Men - 0

Last up is ChaCha (Christina) and an excited old gypsy woman with a cowl wrapped tightly around her head. Oh wait, never mind. It's just Bill. Comedic genius Bill. And this brings me to my newest nickname. I give you "Cosby". Cosby, Bill Cosby. So ChaCha and Cosby are next. ChaCha furrows her brow and focuses intently while Cosby hops in circles on his toes excitedly. It's all or nothing, baby. The curtain lifts and Cosby almost immediately races back to his station without pulling the lever which gives ChaCha a few more seconds to memorize. Place, replace, displace... we wait on Dimples to give the final word and... WOMEN WIN REWARD!!!

Back at camp The Rain still falls but a seaworthy craft awaits the womenfolk and that's all that really matters. The boat represents everything the women have needed but never had- success, confidence, momentum, a solid structure. Taking inspiration from the S.S. Vagina, the women regroup and refocus. ChaCha gets to work rebuilding the shelter while Monica sets her mind to starting a fire. Flick, flick... goes the flint. Alright, that's enough. Let's just give up and go ask the men for an ember. That's not an unreasonable request, is it? Yes it is! Yes. It. Is. It's completely unreasonable and weak and moronic and, oh look, Jay is actually giving them an ember. *smacks self in head* Without a real solid promise of a ride in the S.S. Vagina, he hands over an ember - apparently to the delight of Democrats and the repugnance of Republicans everywhere. In response, Fancy Pants flicked his wrists through the air in anger while Matt sat grumbling in the corner sharpening a starfish. The men are angry and they should be angry. They should be angry at dumbass Jay for giving up that ember! Look men, the women are like stray cats. If you keep giving them stuff, they'll keep coming back for more!

And that's exactly what happens, the women are back for more. Meow. This time it's Jugs (Alicia) and Chelsea and they're in search of warmth and yarn balls. Jonas remarks that if this were actually a life and death situation then, sure, he'd be happy to help them, but this is Survivor! This is a game. A game in which you survive. So far it's the women's game of taking. Take, take, take. Ladies, I want to root for you. I really do. It's not like I can root for anyone on the men's side. Look at them all - buffoons! Buffoons and Klansmen. But you really need to stop being such twits. Twits with tits.

So Jugs and Chelsea are standing there, hanging out, warming their hands by the fire when one of them remarks, "Our brand new boat is so cool!" *jams shish kabob poker up nose* Shut your face! Why would you say something like that?!? Apparently Monica and whatever mindless scamp was with her earlier completely forgot to tell the rest of the gals that the boys want to use the S.S. Vagina in exchange for that ember. Granted, no solid deal was ever made, but still... don't go flaunting your shiny new Vagina around especially when you're being total mooches. Naturally, the men reply, "Well, we want a ride in that boat." Jugs responds, "I don't know. We'll see." And this is where the men get all uppity. The bickering begins and the voices start to raise yet Chelsea is still sitting there waving her tootsies in front of the fire without a care in the world.

Finally, after what seems like an eternity, Tarzan steps forward and tells the women that they need to leave and go discuss the Vagina deal with the other Salamis. Good on you, Tarzan! Instead of sitting and grumbling like Mike, Matt, Fancy Pants, Cosby, and Jay, you actually stood up and said something. Sure, it was said in a shirt that looks like Bozo puke, but you said it and that gets you points.

So in a huff and a puff, Chelsea and Jugs stomp back to their camp. Chelsea flops under the shelter and in a stream of tears burbles out something along the lines of, "Give them everything. I don't care. I'm so freaking cold. My poor fingers! Prunes! Waaa waaa waaa." Want some cheese with that whine? I understand that you're miserable, but you're supposed to miserable! In fact, the original title of Survivor was Les Miserables until that Andrew Lloyd Webber stole it and made 18 billion dollars off of it. Instead of taking him to court, Mark Burnett decided to steal the title of a Destiny's Child song and the rest his history. Pure factual chronological history. Werd.

Eventually, the sun peeks out it's weary head and the women are able to take the S.S. Vagina out for a little spin. Chelsea is willingly dunking her whole body in water and I can't help but wonder about the prunes. All water is wet you know. Oh never mind all that. The ladies catch some minnows and all's good. Everyone seems happy. The Vagina has lived up to her promise. She's proved to be a worthy vessel.

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge one person will be your caller while the other suckers are tied up into pairs and blindfolded. The caller will then guide them into lamp posts and scaffoldings where hilarity will ensue. Buckets of goo will fall on their heads as they retrieve puzzle pieces. Once all of the pieces are gathered, the caller when then solve the puzzle. First team to finish wins Immunity. As the men seem to be multiplying overnight, they'll sit out Fancy Pants and Jay. Cosby will call for Menudo (Manono) and Sabrina will call for Salami. Survivors ready, go!

The challenge begins and Cosby proves to have one hell of a voice. His thunderous boom is drowning out anything Sabrina could possibly hope to offer. It went a little something like this:
"ok now go that way and then to that thing over there that's about to take out your vagina"
Ouch. Poor Monica just body slammed her vag into a pole. I think I saw her NuvaRing fall out.

Matt and Leif retrieve the first bag of puzzle pieces for the men while the women are left to flounder wondering where their caller is. Sabrina has gone silent and Monica is half way to Fiji by now leaving a trail of unfertilized eggs behind her.

The men continue to gather even more puzzle pieces while Sabrina is plum tuckered out and draped over the banister of her calling post. "no no no not that way. go the other way to the thing where the things are. whew! i need a drink. can i get some water up in here?" *snore* Seriously?

With the girls literally begging for help from Sabrina, the men whoosh forward to a five bag lead. Cosby gets started on his tree puzzle where his silence and concentration actually serve the women well. Without Cosby yelling like a maniac, the ladies can finally hear Sabrina and get their puzzle pieces. Monica even makes it back from Fiji.

So with the men in a huge lead, Sabrina finally starts on her puzzle. Cosby may have time and a learning curve on his side, but he doesn't have Kim behind him shouting instructions. Nor does he have Monica directing where to place the pieces. All he has is Troyzan grunting. Good luck with that. And so, what seemed lost, what seemed impossible, what was once so hopeless has transformed itself and... WOMEN WIN IMMUNITY!!!

Back at Menudo the men gather around Cosby and try to console him as best they can. "Good job dude.", "You did a great job man.", "Go kill yourself." Wait, what? Did a little girl just tell Cosby to go kill himself? Yes. Yes she did. It turns out that Fancy Pants doesn't care for Cosby and thinks him to be "ghetto trash" so now he must die. *bites fist* Ghetto trash. Ghet-to trash. *looks around the room* Did that seriously just happen? Uh. Um. Ok. Wow.

In between fashioning a cross and trying to hide his man boobs with a horizontally striped cardigan (hey, you asked for it buddy), Fancy Pants is trying to convince the rest of his tribe that Cosby is the type of guy to slit your throat when you're not looking. Because, you know, black men are like that... or something. Tarzan objects by stating that Matt is the much bigger threat and I'm inclined to agree. Cosby is quirky. He's hippy dippy, he's flighty, he's excitable. One thing he's not is malicious whereas Matt sits in a corner and makes lists of the tokens he'll steal from his victims. Serial killers always keep tokens you know. Little things like locks of hair or bracelets or giant man boobs.

With the misfit men debating over Matt and Cosby, Jay sidles up out of nowhere and wants to know what everyone is chatting about. Tarzan tells him point blank that the four of them (plus the racist) are an alliance that they're willing to expand to six if Jay is looking to join in. Jay pauses to consider the offer as Matt approaches the group and demands to know what's going on. "We're talking strategy", says Tarzan who then hands him the Misfit Guidebook to Days 8-39. Dude, shut up! Stop being so forthright. It was cute back when you dealt with the women hogging your fire, but come on! Matt is the enemy. Don't hand him your playbook.

Now knowing that he's in the minority alliance, Matt pulls Troyzan aside for a little tete a tete about roosters and their cocks. Something about chickens in the hen house and the cocks crowing on the fence post. The flapping of wings and muscles banding together. Matt is the rooster and the rest are chickens. Maybe Troyzan and Jay are roosters too. The chickens can't break up the roosters, but Matt wants to be the only rooster surrounded by chickens because who the hell are chickens anyways? They're just chickens whereas a rooster is a rooster. Cock a doodle doo. Huh?

And now we arrive at Tribal Council where we begin with a discussion about alliances. Apparently, Mike thinks that there are too many alliances to keep track of. *scratches head* Really? I'm watching from home and I can keep track of them just fine. It goes something like this: One. Two. There, I'm done. There are TWO alliances.

Dimples turns to Fancy Pants and asks him to affirm that 5 is a bigger number than 4. Fancy Pants replies, "Well I'm not going home because I have the Idol." That's not what Dimples asked you! Fancy Pants is one of those people that hears what he wants and then acts according to whatever fantasy he's playing out in his head. It's creepy and it probably requires some medication to get a real handle on. Like, "Fancy Pants, how are you doing today?" "Twelve! I've got twelve designer handbags." Umm ok.

But let's get back to this Idol thing. So Fancy Pants has told everyone he's holding and, let's face it, it was just to brag because he had no reason spilling the beans just now. Furthermore, he tells us that he's going to use it tonight. Hearing all of this sends Matt into nothing short of a face eating frenzy. Did you see him? It was spectacular. Nom nom nom went his lips. Chomp chomp chomp went his chin. He's only eyeballs and leaky brain matter now. Awesome.

Mike, on the other hand, is feeling a little betrayed that Fancy Pants has the Idol. He tells Dimples that Fancy Pants is always spending time with the women to which Dimples replies, "WTF?!?" Have you noticed how mean Dimples is this season? He usually delivers a few zingers now and again, but he's been downright angry since the premiere. Annoyed almost. Preoccupied. Like he'd rather be somewhere else. Is it just me?

So anyhow Dimples is yelling at Fancy Pants for hanging out with some bitches who aren't even on his tribe and Fancy Pants is all like, "But I'm gay. Giggle giggle." Cosby jumps in and says that Fancy Pants judged the men before they judged him and Fancy Pants was all, "Do you have a nail file because my acrylics are coming loose?" Then Tarzan raised his hand and asked permission to stick his tongue up Fancy Pants' ass. Then Fancy Pants bent over and was all, "My favorite is the red one with the snakeskin trim." And then Matt asked, "Who's 'we' Tarzan?" to which Tarzan replied, "We're trying to recruit your friend Jay. It's page 11 of the playbook." Then Cosby jumped up on the bench and cried, "This is emotion right here man! This is like for real, yo! I'm so excited to be here right now. We're in it bro! This is intense!"

*stares blankly*

Before I read the votes, would anyone like to play the Immunity Idol? Fancy Pants whispers to Tarzan, "They're leather. Real Texan leather." Soooo, no. No one wants to play the Idol. By a vote of 85 to 6 divided by 18, Matt is the third person voted out of Survivor One World.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Should the women loan the men their Vagina? Are you happy Matt went home? Will Fancy Pants and Tarzan end up in a fisticuffian power struggle? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! My apologies if this seemed rushed today. I had to crank this one out kinda fast. Blurgh.


  1. Another great recap. Fancy Pants is entertaining at least. He is annoying but entertaining....The reunion show should be very intersting after the ghetto trash and kill himself comment about Cosby. The women are working my last nerve. How about when you learn you are going to be on the show you actually watch it to see what you might need to KNOW HOW TO DO. Like build a fire so it doesn't go out at the drop of a hat....they don't know how to do that and thus they turn to the men. What if the two tribes were not on the same beach? They would have to DEAL with it and learn how to survive. The men are enabling them and need to STOP. Yes I am glad Matt is gone because he was arrogant and a bit of a prick. The 6-pack ab alliance is no more. Ha Ha Ha.

  2. suck it up. It is only a game

  3. I am kind of digging the mean Dimples. It shows- at least to me- that he does not want any body to play the game who is not going to respect it or other players.

  4. Your description of the events at tribal council is pretty much the most accurate thing I have ever read in my life. I also loved the part about Monica's vagina and her trip to Fiji. This is the most bizarre season of Survivor I have ever seen. Its like a circus.

  5. Dave in San DiegoMarch 1, 2012 at 5:09 PM

    I have just started reading your entry and I have to disagree with you about the nickname "Cosby" for our resident humor person. Because Bill Cosby was actually funny and witty. Therefore I think you should change the nickname to one associated with a black comedian whose claim to fame is NOT BEING FUNNY WHATSOEVER. Something like Gumby or Buckwheat comes to mind. I like "Buckwheat" personally. Just my opinion.

    1. But don't you think the irony is funny?

    2. Dave in San DiegoMarch 1, 2012 at 5:34 PM

      Oh yes, and you are a MASTER. I just finished the whole blog and now all I can think of is taking a trip on the SS Vagina. Hilarious. Another very funny part of your entry was Kat stumbling and tossing the reward challenge items into the correct order. That was Great. I think they heavily edited the Man Tribe strategy before the Tribal Council because, in retrospect, it looks like Matt knew he was going home from the outset and was visibly upset during the whole thing. Did I miss something? Overall, I think Survivor is getting back to its roots by eliminating past contestants, eliminating that stupid Rhode Island crap, and being a little more creative with the challenges. Also returning separate Reward and Immunity contests. Also, I don't think you need to apologize for your blog length or whatever. I think all your fans, including me, appreciate your sense of humor and creative abilities such that we all feel blessed to have you produce this blog in the first place.

    3. Calling Bill "Buckwheat" would be Colton-level racism, Dave. Congratulations. Go call a black guy Buckwheat and see what happens.

  6. au contraire, mon amie,

    somehow the furious pace and jaw clenched nature of this blog resulted in a perfecto encapsulation of the episode. I feel a little blurgh as well. Hmmm...

    I too am running out of people to root for. And I agree with you regarding Probst. He seems a little preoccupied. Kinda over it, ya'know? Been there, done that. Let's cut to the chase so I can get back to my suite.

    My instincts were right about Colton. I hope my instincts are right about Kim and Sabrina - 'cos after only 3 episodes they're the only two people I want to win.

    I miss Coach (?!)

  7. The women need to stay away from the men's camp. no matter what. period. I can't pull for them until they start showing some mental toughness. Chelsea whining about her wrinkly fingers annoyed me.

    The women haven't hesitated to beg, borrow and steal from the men, so they should loan their canoe. Sad but true.

    This was a wonderful tribal council. The misfit alliance pulled together and I'm thrilled to see Matt go. Hopefully, next up is Mike. For the women, it's got to be Jugs. Please.

    I loved Tarzan's brutal honesty before tribal when they were strategizing. It's refreshing. Bill's craziness at tribal made me wonder if he has a secret stash of something somewhere. Who knows what grows wild on islands in the Pacific.

  8. Great recap again Miss Lala, rushed or not still extremly entertaining.
    I am glad they voted Matt off, ever since Day 1 he thought he was running the tribe and his position and alliance was so strong that nothing could go wrong.
    I am starting to like Fancy Pants a bit more after last night, he shows he is a little more ruthless like he was promoted, but the Ghetto Trash comment was a bit much I thought.
    Happy to see the girls come through and win both challenges, the immunity was very entertaining and I bet Cosby thought so up until the moment Sabrina overtook him and the sweat poured from his brow.

    Great episode, great recap and look forward to next weeks instalment.

  9. This season is sucking. More stupidity than ever before.

    1) Why didn't the women watch their stuff?
    2) Why can't even one of them make a freakin fire?
    3) Why did the men help them without a guarantee of something? use of the boat? free sex? something! They should have sent the cold, shivering women back to their camp to lose another pair of challenges. Now there's no use of the boat, no chicken despite the arrangement, no nothing. And the girls have new life!
    4) When are these stupid guys going to figure out Fancy Pants will flip to the women as soon as the tribes are combined?! Now that Matt's gone, they need to form a new alliance, one that can win challenges, and dump Colton next. But it won't happen. Make him play the idol or nail him when he's not looking.
    5) whatever happens next week. I'm seriously this close to dumping the show off my itinerary. jeebus

  10. This was Classic: "Fancy Pants is one of those people that hears what he wants.... Like, "Fancy Pants, how are you doing today?" "Twelve! I've got twelve designer handbags." Umm ok"

    Now, to be somewhat graphic perhaps, and to state the obvious clearly, FP is a classic bottom dweller and Matt can only live on top, and probably lives in a castle or some sort of penal tower that looks over the priosners presently held in Germany. So it was particularly delish to watch the rock hard empire crumble as FP and his fellow bottom dwellers scurried out and then finallly got a glimpse of the sunshine and the view that the tall one had been hiding all this time... oh, the glare, the power, the intoxication! Welcome proletariats to your brave new world!

  11. Just a heads up... friend me on Facebook for some light Survivor drama. Trust me. Worth it.

  12. Gotta love drama! Awesome entry girl. You had me at "I think I saw her nuvaring fall out." What?! LMAO!!!! (Those nuvarings are slippery bitches tho...)

    But can we talk about two things:
    1) Why can't ANY of the women light a damn fire?! Seeing them shiver and whining is KILLING me. I don't understand why NONE of their dumbasses can light a fire. Seriously? As soon as I got a call back for the show I'd learn how to set a fire using nothing else but two strings pulled off of my drawers. Ugh - it's embarrassing to the half of humanity who have vaginas.

    2) How is Fancy Pants gonna be a republican *and* a racist?? I'm just sayin'. Fancy Pants I liked you. We were friends in my head. But now that I know you're a racist republican, I hope you get your comeuppance. And I hope you don't see it coming and that you cry when Dimples snuffs out your torch.

    1. Maybe the girls could use the Nuvaring to start a fire?.....just sayin'?

  13. I've tried using your Facebook link on this page and it leads to content unavailable, blah, blah.

    I'll try something else, just feedback from a fan o da bitch.

    1. I clicked on the link myself and it worked. Are we friends on Facebook? If you add me, I am NOT the one who went to the "School Of Life". There's a fake me out there so be sure you add the right one.

    2. I did a Facebook Search and found some options. Since the other choices had nothing to lead me anywhere I chose the one you said I shouldn't have. Same pic as you display here. Another was German, or something. Is this an Easter Egg hunt?

      So, thanks for trying. I turned off the filter, refreshed the page and tried your link on this page again. Same result, Facebook with Content Unavailable.

      Hovering over your link doesn't give any better clue. It's and your name. Guess I'll try entering that in my browser address bar.

      Sorry for the distraction. Cyberspace is sometimes messy.

    3. OR you can tell me your name and I can add you myself.

  14. I'm glad Matt's gone. The arrogance! And you could sorta tell he was a douche in real life. A seal-clubbing, baby-stealing, woman-hating jerk-off. But your line, "Matt just returning from stealing babies from their cribs pokes it with a stick...." was a hysterical mental image.

    But what really got me was the nuva ring comment. Diet Dr. Pepper actally came out of my nose. My 18-year-old was half-watching with me last night and she said, "Why don't the girls have a caller?"

    About the 'ghetto-trash' comment. I dunno. People say 'white trash' all the time and no one calls foul. If Bill had called Colton white trash would that have been racist? I thought it was a bold thing to say but Colton is a bold person. That's how I took it. But for the record I don't think Colton is white trash and I don't think Bill is ghetto trash. I was amused by Bill's observations last night. Very hippy-dippy, as you said. His enthusiasm was cute.

    P.S. I always publish under 'Anonymous' because I can't figure out how to get my friggin name or URL or OpenID or whatever it is to take any of my info. I'm so dumb I don't know what info to punch in. I comment almost every week so now you know that my name is.....


    1. Just a test here to see if Reply works with filter off. It does so far.

    2. Ghetto trash is racing because it implies since Bill is black, he must have come from the ghetto. black trash is the equivalent of white trash. However, trailer trash is the equivalent of ghetto trash. If we're going to toss out insults, .....

    3. Colton referring to Bill as "ghetto trash" just shows that our little Fancy Pants has never, actually encountered the real thing. Straight-up, back-street ghetto trash would scare Colton to death ~ and they're not usually named Bill, either. Just saying.

    4. I have multiple opinions about this. First - obviously something is off with Colton as he is a homosexual republican. No offense intended, but I just see that as being an oxymoron. I think the ghetto comment must come from the republican side, as I find it truly bizarre that someone who is gay, which is considered a social minority, could say something with racist inclinations. DOes any of that make sense? But...then....I also think it is kinda racist to assume that ghetto and black go together. See, as a New Yorker I don't relate the two because there are plenty of white people in the ghetto and plenty of rich black people round here. However, that makes the comment classist, which is really just as bad as racist anyway. Also the whole thing is bizarre because while there are many words I could associate with Bill, "ghetto" really is not even on the top ten list. Also I feel like mentioning that Colton immediately took to twitter to apologize for the statement, which kinda makes me want to forgive him, but also kinda makes me disrespect him because that means he is kind of admitting that the comment was in fact racist. There. Sorry so long, but I had a lot to say about the subject.

  15. I have been watching Survivor since day one and this is the first season that I can remember being disgusted by the lot of them. I know it is early but I have yet to find one redeeming quality. It is clear that Jeff feels the same. He is thinking "This is gonna be a long one."

  16. As someone else said, this post was a bit rushed but it somehow fit the pace of the episode perfectly - and it was as hilarious as always.

    I think this is the best casting they've done in a few seasons - and though I didn't think I'd like the male/female split or the One World concept, it's made for some interesting drama and conflict.

    They have some good solid players, some good potential villains, lots of drama and tension, and decent personalities. Colton is obviously a repulsive person but he's also good television, and after a few droopy days in the beginnning, seems like he's a pretty good Survivor player, too. And the women are getting their act together and becoming more interesting.

    Yeah - it was awesome seeing Matt kicked off so early. Usually those arrogant muscle idiots are kept around too long because they're good in challenges, but it was good to see the misfits band together that way. How stupid must Matt feel given that his only face time in the first two episodes was telling everyone how "powerful" he is and how he's "sitting pretty" - only to be the first one kicked off his tribe - all engineered by the homo? Too funny.

    About Colton's Idol: I think everyone on the tribe already knew he had it. There was a deleted scene from last week showing that Matt knew. He did the smart thing - announced that he'd play it so that they wouldn't vote for him, and then kept it in his pocket.

  17. You owe me a new iPad.....only three weeks in and I have spit multiple drinks all over it...this week "her nuvaring fell out" takes the cake.....and just as I recover, "trail of eggs" got me again....brilliant stuff!!!!

    I agree with anonymous-Jennifer......white trash, ghetto trash...tomato, tomaaato......fancy pants strikes me as someone mugging for camera time ....the wilder he is, the more they will show.....does it make it right, no....does it make him a giant camera whore, fancy pants racist, probably not.....politically insensitive, absolutely.....

    As far as the women and the ss vagina (spit take #3)..... I agree with you, miss lala....the men should NOT have allowed them to sit by the fire, certainly not without any of the 40000 seasons of survivor, the tribes are not within walking distance of each other, and salamis wouldn't have had the opportunity to share/steal resources.......I was glad when the women told fancy pants to get lost, and I was equally glad when the men told the women to get lost.....

    I, too, am thrilled to see 2 separate challenges and a snarky dimples......I'm really loving the back and forth of dimples and the survivors at tribal this season....

    I was glad to see Matt go, arrogance will get you every time.....I WAS rooting for Chelsea and kelly and Sabrina...which now has been altered to kelly and Sabrina (see fb for reasons) ....and on the men's tribe, jay (model) and some of the misfits, but reserve the rit to change that as we get to know them....I feel like we just got to see/know them this week...tribal and pre-tribal is when you REALLY get to know I will hold off on them for now.....

    Thanks for the awesome blog, as're the bestest

    1. DITTO! :) especially the second paragraph.

    2. No. He's racist. Calling a black person "ghetto trash" is racist. He might be other things too, but that's racist. The BEST light he can be shown in is that his sheltered, ignorant, racist, spoiled, and totally lacking self-awareness. Maybe he's not overtly racist toward his housekeeper, but the fact that he would call a hippie-ish black dude "ghetto trash" speaks volumes.

      The "what about WHITE trash" thing has nothing to do with whether or not "ghetto trash" is a racist slur. "White trash" is also offensive and tasteless. I'm not whining about racism or "offensiveness" either. I'm saying don't be a classless a$$hole. Don't dehumanize other people. Don't be racist. Don't be classist.

  18. Anon aka Jennifer. Having fun yet? I think I've found a path to solve your problem. Do the drop down Comment as: first. Then write your comment. I also recommend copying your text, right click, select all, right click, copy.

    Then use the Preview instead of Publish. I use the IE8 Inprivate filter that seems to mess with some sites like this one. Or there is some other reason the Captcha doesn't load properly. Then I've lost my text going back after hitting Publish first.

    Disclaimer is I might know what I'm talking about. I first tried to use the Reply under your comment, FAIL, so that's why this ended up here to screw up Survivor chatter. Good Luck.

    P.S.=I'm back to say I'm glad I copied what I already wrote. I hit Preview and the Captcha words didn't display. I turned off Inprivate, refreshed the page, didn't lose my text and I'm going to try Preview again.

  19. Man, I had a lot to say about this episode, but I'm mostly ditto-ing everyone else. What is WRONG with the women?! I wanted to smack them when they went over to the men's side to get fire, and then "to get warm"- only to, WHILE STANDING IN THEIR CAMP, deny them use of the boat. I'd put my boot so far up their ass they'd fly back to their own camp. Pathetic, women, pathetic. I agree with the people who are saying that the women on this season are making them ashamed to be a woman themselves. Yo.

    Fancy Pants... man, oh, man. Open mouth; insert foot. Any time I hear someone tell someone else, "Guess what? I have the immunity idol!", whether to one person or the group, I want to smack them upside their head and say, "what's wrong with you, you moron!" Just no. No no no no no. And then they will often say, "Don't tell anyone." Here's the thing: if you have/know something that you don't want even ONE particular person (let alone a group of them) to know you are in possession of, there is a really easy way that you make sure they don't find out. DON'T FUCKING TELL *ANYONE*. That's it. The only thing you have to do. Shut your fucking mouth. So many people make it look so hard.

    Matt is a turd-burglaring bag of douche- I felt his hot air via the TV. I don't know who is more full of themselves- him, or Fancy Pants. Just ugh. I refuse towaste any more of my e-breath on him.

    The men losing the IC after having such a lead was pretty pathetic. As was what's-her-face's "calling". I have found Dimples to be more biting this season- I like it! I think he's just over the stupidity, and I give him credit- he's bit his tongue so many times there's nothing left to bite, I'd be willing to bet. At LEAST once an episode I am screaming at my TV, yelling at The Stupid. The Stupid looks a little different every time, but it's always there; watching and waiting to give me an aneurysm.

    Great recap, Colette.

    1. Sorry Alisha, you might have missed something, or I did.

      The idol is a tool and Fancy Pants did more with it than I anticipated. You suggest he should have just played it at the first tribal knowing he was most likely to be voted out. That would have been a waste and foolish.

      Give him some credit for bluffing to play it and leaving with it in his pocket.

      He's playing, the rest need to catch up so they don't repeat the smug Coach play of last year.

    2. Sorry Alisha, you might have missed something, or I did.

      The idol is a tool and Fancy Pants did more with it than I anticipated. You suggest he should have just played it at the first tribal knowing he was most likely to be voted out. That would have been a waste and foolish.

      Give him some credit for bluffing to play it and leaving with it in his pocket.

      He's playing, the rest need to catch up so they don't repeat the smug Coach play of last year.

    3. I don't think he needed to tell anyone he had the idol for the other 5 men to band together. None whatsoever. The "misfits" seem like a fairly logical bunch who use their heads for something other than a hatrack (I like this), and I think the way Colton approached them about getting together and getting one of the other alliance out WAS a smart idea. I don't think he should have blurted out anything about the idol, especially right off the bat. You want to use that to your fullest advantage, which may be using it at a later point, surprising everyone- so if you can all band together and not even bring the idol INTO it, you, as an individual, now has a solid alliance and a solid backup.

      And of course he was bluffing- he knew his alliance was strong and he had the numbers, so why play it? If they all knew he had it, then of course he's going to let them think he's going to play it- but he knew it didn't even matter. It just sends a signal of "power" to the people out of the alliance, and makes it look as though you're spearheading everything. My dad always told me growing up, "Alisha- keep a low profile", and I think it was some of the best advice I've ever been given (especially once I was mature enough to get it properly).

    4. I don't know if anyone will backtrack to read this. After viewing tonight's trauma I wanted to revisit Alisha's view of how the alliance was created.

      It is possible that the misfits might have formed together. But then I can't recall a single compelling reason, other than the idol, to tilt the scale in that direction. Fancy Pants has an annoying personality, regardless of his flaming theatrics. He was non productive in camp chores, didn't and doesn't like any of the men, and is so repulsive the women wouldn't even try to trust him and take advantage of his offer to be the BFF with a dangler.

      It was too early to determine any strength in challenges so the best that could have been said is he was not a threat and just a girl in their camp. A weakling for another day.

      I won't spoil the show for tonight since I'm on the East Coast and it wouldn't be nice. There will be plenty to say after LaLa's next recap. That should be a doozie.

  20. I was laughing so hard I almost lost MY Nuva Ring. There were so many funny things that I almost peed my pants, I was laughing so hard I was crying. I was a wet mess. Great recap. I knew as soon as the guys let the chicks have fire and warm up and everything that the women were going to have a comeback and then the men were going to start falling a part.

    HATED Matt, glad he is gone. Could not see who voted for Bill. They didn't show him. I haven't gone back and watched it again to see if I can tell by who isn't accounted for in the showing of the votes. Hate it when people throw their vote. What was the purpose of that anyway?

  21. Well, I have to be the voice of dissension here. If the women are able to totally take advantage of the men, taking and not giving anything in return, more power to them. It’s a shame that they are so weak that they have to beg, borrow, and steal everything, but if the men are going to be ignorant enough to let them do it, oh well.

    Fancy Pants, I have to say *I’m Impressed*. Didn’t think you had that much strategy stuffed up your hoop skirt. Way to take out the arrogant ass right off the bat. Will you be returning all the stolen babies to their rightful owners??

    Have to agree with everyone on Dimples too. I like the new tough love Probst version. Dimples, if you’re listening, I would totally respect the game and you would love me

  22. I am a member of the vagina club and I have to agree that the poor survival skills of the xx club is pathetic. However, going over and working the prostate club for whatever they need is great. Why not??? If the guys give it without negotiation, it's their loss. Vagina's and the vagina wannabe FP are playing the outwit game.

    Btw....did anyone see Dimles face when TarzAn asked to see all the votes? The look of incredulity was priceless. Colton noticed. And was like. 'next ask me the question first. Me thinks Fancy Pants has more control than we even see now. He is running circles around these guys!

    I am enjoying this season. And love the aggravated Dimples. He is too cute and funny when he is chastising them!


  23. Lala- your brilliance once again astounds, at least someone is making me a proud owner of this uterus! Nuvaring, eggs, twits with tits- all made me about pee my pants! I would gladly donate to your cause, but alas the money-hungry grad school grubbers have taken my last dollar *rubs nickels together with tears*. Thanks for allowing me some humor and sanity from schoolwork!!

  24. After reading this recap, I realize why there is rarely much of anything for me to post - Lala has already said it all! But if I hadn't already seen the episodes, I'd swear that she was making half this sh-t up!

    Cosby - Great Tribal Council monologue! I think you're plan is to win by reason of insanity! Maybe it will work!

    Chelsea - This is speculation, but wrinkled or unwrinkled, bitchy or happy, I think she'll show herself to be one of the more personable/social players this season. I hope she can get to the finals.

    1. I used to think that way about Chelsea, but then she went a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs on me over on Facebook and it kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. She was my favorite going into the season too. Bummer.

  25. Cuckoo for cocoa puffs? Why, that sounds rather interesting. May we have details, bitch? Some of us don't Facefuck *whoops* I mean Facebook you know.

    1. You kind of have to see it for yourself because the accompanying 77 follow-up comments are worth the read, but it started when Chelsea told me to do something better in my spare time like kill myself. It spiraled from there and in the end I still don't think she's read a single word I've written here. *shrugs shoulders* I don't know what else I can do. I praised her in my first impression bio and just last week said how much I liked her. There's a miscommunication somewhere and she's got it stuck in her head that I'm out to get her or something. I was hoping she'd at least read a post or two and begin to understand, but she hasn't. She thinks we're all hateful and nasty. Let's just say, a brick wall is more receptive than she is.

      The FB thread is pretty funny though. My favorite parts were when Cochran chimed in with, "Ooh, drama!" and Kristina Kell said, "grow a backbone... Bitch!"

      Good times.

    2. Ahh. I see. Thanks for the details. I like me some details.

      It sounds like you may have been misinterpreted by Ms Chelsea. It happens. And due to the limitations of cyber communication it can be very difficult to recover from an initial misinterpretation. Especially if one party isn't particularly bright. Something tells me you're used to it anyways.

      "Do something better in your spare time like kill yourself"?... that does seem rather charmless though, regardless of what Ms Chelsea may erroneously believe of you.

      Good luck trying to be impartial about her in your future recaps...

      (actually screw that, let the bitch have it with both barrels!)

    3. Okay, Ms Lala, my desire to read that thread has overcome my Facebookphobia. I have signed up. I searched for Colette Lala and found the "school of life" imposter, but where are you? How does one know for certain that a "friend request" has gone to the intended recipient? I'm gonna end up with a stalker, I just know it.

      All right you'll just have to add me from your end instead - my name is Michael Casablanca and I went to St. Nun's of the Blessed Habit High School. That's a fake name everyone so don't be thinking about stealing my identity. I've got enough credit card debt thank you very much.

      "Light Survivor drama" eh? Ok, I'll trust you...

    4. I can't find you Casablanca and I'm not sure why you can't find me. Click on my link on the right hand side of this page or go here:

      If you don't end up with a stalker, you'll end up being a stalker. I attract them by the dozens.

  26. As much as I dislike the ovaries rolling over to the other side and begging, in doing so they are making some kind of connection. If the connection is a bad one, then they are more likely to get booted after the merge but if there is some sort of empathy connection, the person who has never gone over to beg is more likely to get booted first.

  27. This season has been too predictable and boring, thanks to Collete for adding the spice; but, what do you know, CBS is running promos promising this week's episode will surprise and be a "first", we have been through this before, it had better be good.

    Colette: can you predict the "surprise"?

  28. Super funny, glad the women won this episode. Glad Matt got voted off the island. I love how powerful Colton has become over on the Men's tribe. Not impressed with Probst going so hard after Colton though. Probst shouldnt be trying to sway the vote like that just to create tv drama. I thought the guys were going to sweep the girls through the challenges so I'm quite pleased the girls fought back.

    1. totally. Probst should be super cool with overt bigotry. Colton called Leif a munchkin and an Oompa-Loompa and called Bill ghetto trash. Probst should've gone harder at him. And, frankly, Colton was providing all the drama on his own. Probst just just giving him rope to hang himself with.

  29. Lala- your brilliance once again astounds, at least someone is making me a proud owner of this uterus! Nuvaring, eggs, twits with tits- all made me about pee my pants! I would gladly donate to your cause, but alas the money-hungry grad school grubbers have taken my last dollar *rubs nickels together with tears*. Thanks for allowing me some humor and sanity from schoolwork!!