Thursday, March 22, 2012

I Respect You Katrina


Last night on Mob Wives, the Americas and beyond were introduced to a fairy sprite hell bent on setting the world's wrongs right. Fluttering across land and sea, through glen and dale, over the river and through the woods, our tiny glittery friend arrived at her destination without fanfare or celebration. It was a soft landing, a mere poot! on the wind. After tying back her windswept hair with a clover stem, she tiptoed through sleeping giants in search of the one who smelled like feet and aqua net. There, in pastel, by the light of the campfire her victim lay. Nettle Rainbowtree always hated this next part. Doing the work of the gods may be mentally challenging and spiritually fulfilling, but it's a messy business that often leaves poor Nettle covered in bodily fluids and tears. But, what must be done must be done. The quicker she can find her victim's belly button, the quicker she can crawl inside and get to work. Nettle Rainbowtree might be a soldier for the greater good, but she's also got a nectar (read: ecstasy) festival kicking off back at the bramble that she doesn't want to be late for. And so, with arrows, pliers, and box cutters in her knapsack and a hairy belly button staring her in the face, she is ready. Godspeed Nettle Rainbowtree. Make it count. Let's recap, shall we?

We continue our tawdry tale under the cover of night with only the gentle hum of the crickets to keep us sane. It's neither cold nor warm, windy nor rainy. Everything just is. Until it isn't anymore. I guess. Until Fancy Pants (Colton) enters and shits all over everything. I guess. Not even the night, the peaceful night, is safe from this destroyer of harmony. One moment it's lingering, the next it's folding upon itself hiding in the corner waiting for the sun to rise. Do not go gentle, night.


Bursting through the darkness we hear Fancy Pants and Jugs (Alicia), arms linked together, skipping and cackling into the night air. "That Tribal Council was amazing!" "Yeah, you should totally kill yourself Christina. Seriously, you're like a cockroach." "Right Heather?" "Right Heather." Staring into the crackling campfire, ChaCha (Christina) listens to the beast people and with a shrug of her shoulders declares, "Maybe I am an idiot." Jugs smiles to herself pleased with ChaCha's defeatist attitude. It's only a matter of time now until they discover ChaCha swinging from a tree with her neck broken. Until then, Jugs will beach herself across the rickety shelter and make ChaCha sleep hanging off the edge with the waves and jagged rocks staring up at her from below. Then, in the middle of the night, Jugs will feign restless leg syndrome, kick ChaCha out of the shelter, and wake with mock horror as she peers over the bamboo floor to find a mangled ChaCha splayed across the rocky shore. Dimples will probably ask what happened to ChaCha, but Jugs already has that all figured out. "I gots the jimmy legs Dimples. Ain't my fault she got in the way. Harumph!"


Miraculously, the night flits by without incident and we find ourselves the next morning over at Salami (Salani). I've been watching Survivor for 85 years now and typically the guys and gals, though dirty, manage to keep their overall cuteness in check. Maybe it's the open night air or the strict calorie restrictions. Whatever it is, the castaways are rarely hard on the eyes until, that is, I saw those craggly cave Salamis wake up. Kim, with nimble fingers, shields her pinhole eyes from the sun while a bloated Prunes (Chelsea) looks like she's retaining the tribes water in her eye sockets. Even plucky Kat hides her radish head in shame. It's when her pinwheel eyes finally stop spinning that she remembers a horrible dream she had last night. Jugs killed her. At the mall! Kat, all teeth and polka dots, looks at us with a straight face, "I'm not sure what it means. I hope she doesn't kill me." Then some jaunty carnival music played and the scene ended. That's our Kat!


And now we arrive at the Reward Challenge. One at a time players will race to the top of a stack of crates where they'll throw a coconut bouncing it off of a trampoline and into a target. The first tribe to knock out all five targets wins an ice cream social at the Survivor ice cream parlor. Hearing this, Fancy Pants bends his knees and sticks out his booty tooch. "Please, please, please, please, please," he pleads to no one in particular. Please what? Please hurl the coconuts at your head instead of the targets? Please help you win so you can ease what you think are hunger pains, but is really Nettle Rainbowtree snipping arteries and veins and whatnot? Oh shut up Fancy Pants. Survivors ready, go.

The players of the opposing tribes one by one race to the top of their crates and one by one they fail to hit a target. Jay, Fancy Pants, Kat, Jugs, Troyzan (Troy), ChaCha, Prunes, and Jonas all fail to connect making Fancy Pants angrier by the minute. Yo, Fancy Pants, it's situations like these where you want strong players like, oh I don't know, Monica!


After what seems like an eternity, Kim finally connects scoring 1 for Salami. Behind her we see Tarzan (Greg) clutching his left arm and breathing through an oxygen tank trying to make it to the top of the crates. Devil Dimples mocks Tarzan's weakness and it is here that I discover how Dimples' shirts get so blue. Eyeballs. Baby eyeballs. He takes the eyeballs out of infant children and grinds them up for that blue, beyond all blue, pigment. Search the world far and wide and you will never find a blue so blue as the blue (of the dead baby eyeballs) of Dimples' shirt. The happiest blue on earth, I tell you. Anyhow, Tarzan actually manages to score tying up the game 1-1.


Little Man Leif scores next putting the Menudos in the lead, 2-1. When it's time for Fancy Pants to throw again, the coconut ricochets off the trampoline and hits him square between the eyes. Luck or Nettle Rainbowtree? You decide. Jugs is up next and with a burp of self hatred she dribbles her coconut down into the dirt. Devil Dimples, stroking his lovely blue, points at Jugs and laughs, "My nephew could toss it better! Pathetic!"

Then, it's ChaCha's turn. She shoots, misses, and trots back to the gang with a perfectly respectable rate of speed. Fancy Pants, however, feels differently, "RUN!!! You stupid bleeping idiot." ChaCha gives him the side eye while Fancy Pants stands fuming. It is here that I had a genius idea. If I were ChaCha and Fancy Pants had told me the night before that I was going home, that I was a cockroach, that I had no friends, and that I suck at playing this game, do you know what I would do? I would do everything I could to lose the ice cream reward. I might not be able to turn my tribe against him and I might not be able to save myself before the next Tribal Council, but I can certainly make him pout for the rest of the day while the other tribe is off sticking their faces into vats of Rocky Road.



And can we please talk about how Fancy Pants is only angry at ChaCha while his gang banger buddy is pretty much dropping her balls straight down in the dirt? Oh and what about Fancy Pants himself? It wasn't ChaCha who shot herself in the head. It was Fancy Pants! Now, I don't know if ChaCha put the Lala Sabotage Plan into effect, but her last shot was deliciously short and at home I giggled to myself thinking that we'd succeeded in our plan to piss off Fancy Pants for the rest of the day. Whatever the case may be SALAMI WINS REWARD and Fancy Pants is one unhappy camper. :-)


Immediately we're whisked away to the Ben & Jerry's of the South Pacific. Beneath a makeshift shelter of dried leaves and birch twigs sits a freezer powered by a small Polynesian child riding a stationary bicycle. On the counter we find a bounty of Kat's family, I mean candy. Twizzlers, sprinkles, skittles, gummy things, pop rocks, lollipops, hot fudge, whipped cream, fizzy lifting drinks, etc, etc. The Salamis put in their orders ("Vanilla!","Mint Chocolate Chip!", "Ice Cream Soda!", "Mommy!" Oh Kat.) and what ensues is a yawnfest of boredom. Watching other people slurp ice cream is about as entertaining as watching paint dry. At home I climbed up on the coffee table to see if I could find a Hidden Immunity Idol clue in the gumball jar. I crawled under the sofa in search of a scroll under the tub of Boysenberry Sorbet. Are clues at Rewards over? It might be fun to have more than 2 Hidden Immunity Idols at play at once, no? Oh well, let's peek in on those Menudos and see what love and light they have to offer the world.


"Why don't you just jump into the fire before I push you in face first?!" "Yeah, here take my razor and take a walk. You know what to do." "Good idea Heather." "Thanks Heather." Oh, so it's prayer circle time. Those two creatures, coconut trampoline tossers extraordinaire, Fancy Pants and Jugs are at it again. While ChaCha sits in silence, they hurl pebbles and fish guts at her head while encouraging her to quit. It's like Bad Girls Survivor. Pop off son! I run Samoa!

Off in the distance, Jonas observes with a look of disapproval. He doesn't particularly care for two members of his alliance acting like heinous hose beasts. They already have the power to vote off ChaCha which makes these last little turns of the knife nothing more than extracurricular. Sport. Fun. With all that self hatred in their veins, I'm surprised they even have the time to attack anyone else. Shouldn't they be hiding underneath the covers with a flashlight slicing lines into their thighs wondering why daddy never loved them?


While those mysteries of the world remain unsolved, ChaCha sees an opening to get in a little face time with Leif and Jonas. They seem like stand up guys who just happened to get sucked into the Fancy Pants black hole and can't seem to find their way out. Maybe ChaCha can be their way back to civilization. She tells them that Jugs is part of the girl alliance over on Salami and that as soon as the tribes merge, Jugs will go back to the others. Jonas pauses to consider what ChaCha is telling him when out of nowhere, jiggle jiggle jiggle, Jugs approaches in a cloud of fury. "Game over girl!" *hides under the bed* Jugs does that sarcastic slow clapping thing and I'm thinking to myself, "If she takes off her earrings, there's no way I can save you ChaCha." That's the number one sign that trouble is afoot. When a big haired girl takes off her hoop earrings, run! Or if she puts her hands on her hips, sways her neck side to side, removes her heels, or straps on her brass knuckles - all signs to get the hell out of Dodge. ChaCha, however, is surprisingly calm. She stands up to Jugs and maintains her footing whereas I would have just gone ahead and leaped into the fire. Seriously, how can anyone stand to live with Jugs and Fancy Pants? Fine. I'll take your invitation to die. No biggie. Later. *sizzle sizzle, glitter spews like tiny daggers*

And so, after a day where crazy came to town in the form of two giant breasticles, the campers have settled into a peaceful night around the campfire. The familiar sounds of crickets chirping fill the night while a whiny bitch boy peppers the silence with moans. "My head hurts, my brain... it's ouchie." It's Fancy Pants and he's got himself a headache. That in itself isn't that big of a deal, but someone please tell me why ChaCha is cradling his head and massaging it? ChaCha! I understand being nice to people and doing what's right, but Fancy Pants isn't the type of person to appreciate random acts of kindness. If someone had treated me like Fancy Pants treated ChaCha, I wouldn't be cradling his head in my lap. I wouldn't be banging pots and pans together either. Actually, I'd probably be with Leif in his crate pestering him about what Lestat is like or some shit like that.


It was when Fancy Pants muttered, "It feels like a knife is cutting from my belly button over to my right side" that I smiled to myself. Nettle Rainbowtree! She's deep in there and I'm not sure what organs she's messing about with, but it's working. It's working! You can call it karma - payback for all the vile things Fancy Pants has done or said in his lifetime - but I prefer to call it the fairy police. Tiny little shimmering do-gooders on the flight path to justice. Pointy-eared sheriffs of morality. Winged warriors for peace. So the next time you act like a vile butthead, just know that Nettle Rainbowtree is sitting in her blackberry bush sharpening her weapons. You won't know when she's coming or how she'll attack. Just know that she's watching... and waiting.



A new day dawns and, for the most part, Fancy Pants seems ok. I mean, his head still spins around in circles, but he's sitting upright so that's something. Better check in with Dr. Tarzan for a second opinion. Stick out your tongue Fancy Pants. Ok, yeah, you're dehydrated and I think you've got the scurvy. You might experience some kidney failure and loose stools over the next several days. Heart palpitations aren't uncommon, but let me know if you go blind. That might mean something is seriously wrong. Take 3 cc's of Yoohoo and call me in the morning. Later, Beauford.

And there you have it. Fancy Pants will be just fine. Dr. Tarzan is now accepting appointments for breast augmentations, rhinoplasty, elbow straightening, ankle shortening, and butt loosening. Call 1-800-TARZAN to receive your jungle discount. That means he performs the surgery in the jungle with sharpened coconuts and crab pinchers. Not quite as sterile, but effective!

Not two minutes after Dr. Tarzan has packed up his tongue depressors (pebbles taped to a stick), Beauford, I mean Fancy Pants, begins to feel a little whoozy. Jonas suggests he tries a "coconut water enema" and I'm thinking that scrapping "Jon-Ass" as his nickname might have been a bad idea. What sort of kinky shit are you into Jon-Ass?




While Tarzan and Jon-Ass go over Fancy Pants' medical chart together, Fancy Pants goes into the bushes and discovers that his pee his brown. I kind of figured his pee was always brown to begin with being that he's, you know, made of sludge and hate. It turns out that brown pee isn't his usual urinal offering and now we find Fancy Pants whimpering to himself while lying in the dirt in the fetal position. Now, I'm not an evil person. I'm really not. I try to do nice things for others, I avoid confrontation, I chant, I practice yoga, I live a healthy lifestyle (gin is healthy goddamit!), but spank my bottom if I didn't giggle like a schoolgirl watching Fancy Pants writhe in pain. I'm sure Nettle Rainbowtree will poke me for that later, but screw it. I dunked my knockers and my ass into my awaiting bowls of glitter. I got my pikachu as well. Don't ask how. Let's just say, I'm limber. So there I was laughing and covered in glitter while Nettle Rainbowtree took a jackhammer to Fancy Pants' innards.



Enter Ramona & Beezus. We know Ramona back from when Kourtney jammed her wrist up her nose and left the earth. This Beezus character, though, looks a lot like Dimples. With a squish, a prod, and a poke Ramona declares that Fancy Pants is a horrible human being. Hell, I could have told her that and I didn't even need to touch him! Ramona continues to poke Fancy Pants in the stomach and when she reaches his right side, he squeals in horror. The second medical assistant mumbles, "His heart rate just jumped to 666 beats a minute." Ramona pokes him again on the right side - this time just for fun. "Owwwww!!!" "Yeah, I think it's appendicitis. We'll need to amputate your head." At this point, the tears begin to fall freely all over Fancy Pants' seafoam green shirt. It looks like he'll have to leave the game and there's nothing he can do about it. Excuse me for one second, please.

Ahahahaha.... ahahaha.... aha.... hahahahaha... HAHA... ahahahahaaaaaa.


OK sorry about that. So now Fancy Pants has to leave the game so Ramona can drop him off in some head hunter's tribe and let them deal with him. Dimples, always the thinker, asks Fancy Pants, "Do you still have the Idol?" Fancy Pants whimpers that he does. He then asks, "Can I give it to somebody?" Dimples tells him he can if he wants. The rest of the Menudos come over to kick, I mean say goodbye, to Fancy Pants, but all Jugs can think is, "Ah! My game!" Meanwhile, Jon-Ass is inexplicably crying. The big question now is who gets the Idol. There really is no logical choice here. Fancy Pants doesn't care for Leif and he was pretty much just using Jugs. I guess Jon-Ass would make sense. I mean, he is crying and all. In the end, it turns out all the guessing is for naught. Fancy Pants will keep his Idol as a souvenir and Jugs will forever regret the day she voted Monica out of the game. Justice times two! Thank you Nettle Rainbowtree. You do excellent work.


Back at the camps, both tribes receive tree mail summoning them to Tribal Council. The Salamis aren't sure what's going on while the Menudos think that someone is still getting voted off. Jon-Ass makes the executive decision to keep ChaCha and get rid of Jugs. Tarzan, however, doesn't care for this new plan and would like Katrina to go home. I'm not sure who Katrina is, but I'm sure she's lovely. Tarzan tries to recruit Leif into voting out Katrina, but Leif is all like, "Katrina who?" Maybe she'll show up at Tribal.


And here we are at Tribal Council. Salamis and Menudos. Two tribes. Two worlds. Wait a tic... where's Fancy Pants? Dimples tells everyone that Fancy Pants had to leave the game because of acute appendicitis. Wide eyed Kat asks, "What is that?" Someone points to their abdomen for her. She replies, "Oh." Leif interjects to tell the tale of when he lost his own appendix at the age of 15. Dimples kind of blows him off which I thought was rude, but hey! Devil Dimples is running the show now and there's nothing we can do about it.

Dimples turns his attention to the Salamis for their reaction, but as they're all bran muffin pod people it's boring, boring, boring. I'm sorry Kim, but you're BORING. Oh my god, you're so boring. You know who I'm digging more and more? Kat? Kat! Deliciously sweet and vapid Kat. Sure, she's about as smart as a pixie stick, but she cracks me up. There's charm in that sugary body of hers - probably a lucky charm. Ha! But yeah, I like ya Kat. I didn't a few weeks ago, but you're growing on me and that's not an easy thing to do.

In keeping with Kat, she could really care less who got Fancy Pants' Idol or what last messages he had to pass on. All she wants to know is how to not get appendicitis. Me too! I've still got my appendix and, knowing me, that's probably a pain I'd ignore and try to make go away with a vicodin smoothie. Then again, I'll bet you'd get some amazing pain killers from a surgery like that. Smoothies for everyone!



In the end, no one was voted off, but something weird and "last minute", if you ask me, took place. Dimples tells everyone to drop their buffs because now we're merged. Is it just me or does it seem like a lot of this season's decisions are being made 5 minutes prior to Dimples showing up on the scene? It's like, "Yo Probst, your masseuse is in your tent for your post Tribal rub down. Hey, what do you say we merge these bitches tonight?" "Yeah, whatever, your call." And that's how a P.A. has come to make all of the executive decisions so far this season. We're now at 6 women and 6 men and that's that.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Are you happy Nettle Rainbowtree works for the greater good? Will you miss Fancy Pants? Will the women and men stay aligned with their original tribes? Is ChaCha's best bet going to the men's side? Who the hell is Katrina and how did she end up as my title? Comment it out bitches and a have a great day!

All Survivor photos were stolen in broad daylight from the Survivor Seasons Facebook Group.

61 comments:

  1. so frickin glad colscum is gone......He was the meanest fairy on Survivor, Now we need Nettle Rainbowtree to do her number on JUGS!...How can people talk like that to other people and feel human? I do hope their mommies are very proud of them.
    bullying is what I call it, and I know Jugs who teaches Special Ed should be very proud of her self. I hope she loses her job! I just watched her video biography...what a LAUGH.....I hope her students teach her a lesson.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree....I kept saying to myself during the show.....Is she really teaching kids? What a bully is right!

      Delete
    2. Some people inevitably lose their jobs after starring on Survivor. Coach was one of them. Jugs will definitely be another.

      J-Bird

      Delete
    3. That bitch needs to go next. And I can now watch again after the assmunch got karma'd off the show. hurray!!!

      Delete
  2. Jugs & Colton = pretty disgusting human beings, so good riddance (hopefully) to them both. This whole episode was edited very strangely / was basically a letdown. I have mixed feelings about Colton's exit.

    On the one hand it seemed like the most hilarious type of punishment - you don't even get voted out for being a player, but by your own (parasite-infested) hand, and they throw in plenty of embarrassing crybaby shots to boot. On the flip side, I would've rather seen the other players bone up and get rid of him once and for all, ideally in a blindside situation.

    I genuinely wonder if Colton will ever be brought back. He was one of the big characters this season, but so incredibly reviled (unlike past love-to-hate villains a la Lucifer) it's hard to imagine his return. Fun recap anyway!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree as far as it wasn't QUITE as satisfying as it would have been to see him blindsided and have everyone grow a pair, but oh- watching the agony was delicious.

      Delete
  3. I'm a happy-go-lucky, life-loving, live-and-let-live old hippie, but, God save my soul, not much has given me as much pleasure as watching Colton writhe on the ground in agony. (Sorry, Cha Cha; you're a more forgiving soul than I). I hope he got airsick several times on the helicopter ride out. Sayanora, Fancy Pants. We hardly liked ye.

    Time for the other bully to go. If karma is truly karmic, Alicia will have her torch snuffed next and will return home to find a pink slip waiting for her, presented by the parents of the Special Ed kids she said at the beginning of the season she wanted to be a role model for.

    In the meantime, I'll be looking out for CBS' next new sitcom sensation, "That's Our Kat!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ditto to this. And I, too, hope Alicia finds a pink slip waiting for her when she gets home. I mentioned the fact that I was disgusted by the fact that she is a Special Ed teacher and my husband said, "Maybe they mean she's a teacher WITH mental disabilities... you know, the whole EOE thing- like how they have the mentally disabled working at Walmart? Or maybe they just have lower standards for Special Ed teachers." I hope no one is looking to her to be a role model.

      Delete
    2. Aww c'mon Alicia isn't thaaaaat bad. At least that's what I thought until I saw what she did (with coltons prompting) in Coltons secret scene on CBS.com. No matter how you feel about the Mean Girls of survivor now, you will most likely hate them after seeing this.

      Delete
  4. Oh Joy, sweet happiness! I have rainbows with pots o’ gold at the end falling out of my ass!! My dreams last night were filled with angel chorals of “Ding, Dong, the witch is dead!” Where was previously a black hole of desolation and despair is now a spring-fed grotto of love with visions of solidarity. If I’m feeling all that, from my couch, I can only imagine the rainbows fireworking outta Christina’s (you can call me Katrina) ass. This could not have happened at a better time for her- now her options of: a) jump in the ocean b)quit, or c)throw yourself upon the fire are moot. She is no longer the cockroach. However; Kat and I are just hoping that this whole appendix thingee isn’t too awfully contagious. Maybe if we wrap our buffs really, really tight around our bellies (now that we know wheresabouts an appendix is), we can protect the little bugger from injury and everything will be okey-dokey. Maybe we can MacGyver up a Nettle Rainbowtree voodoo doll charmy thing to keep her and her toolbox far away!! Seriously, is this the dumbest chick to ever play Survivor, or I am just imagining this? Guess you just gotta love the little lass.
    I give Christina (you can call me Katrina) props though, I would have left the little asshole in the jungle to die alone, drowning in his crocodile tears, with nothing but a lime green Izod to comfort him. Jugs should have thrown herself on the stretcher and pulled his hair until he gave up the idol, that would have made for some good TV. Jonas must have just gotten done slicing some onions for an awesome crab sushi-roll recipe, because I can’t seriously believe he actually cried over the little bastard leaving. Lief – “Does it hurt?” “Can I poke it?”, “Does it hurt when I pound my fist right here??” “How about here?” heehee
    Well, in a twisted way, I’m sad to see Colton now, because my level of hatred of Jugs is nowhere near what I felt for FP. I can definitely see MB bringing him back for a super villain position sometime in the future – I don’t think we’ve seen the last of this shemale!!!
    Lala – Thanks as always for the uber awesome recap!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Read on twitter last night that Colton is running his mouth in his home town that he has been paid $100,000 to be on a future Survivor. Hope it's not try as the little SOB ruins the show for me. Another great job Glitter Gal

    ReplyDelete
  6. This was a classic episode! From the despicable late night attacks by Boris (FP) and Natasha (Jugs) on ChaCha, to her Stockholm syndromish stroking of her Boris's brow, to Tarzan and Lief bounding up the blocks and scoring despite size and injury disabilities, to the rebounding coconut, the writhing and self pitying wails in the mud on the palm fronds, the deliberate infliction of diagnostic pain on FP and his self absorbed exit BY STRETCHER, to Kat's anatomy lesson, this had to be one of the greatest lessons in Survivor karma ever! That, my friends, was our likely climax...aahhh..hahaha...ahhhh of survivor one world...and worth it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks for the laughs girl. I have nothing witty to say but good blog as always. Can I borrow Nettle Rainbowtree for a bit? I have a job for her :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Good stuff Lala. "Ahahahaha.... ahahaha.... aha.... hahahahaha... HAHA... ahahahahaaaaaa." I had a similar reaction when I saw Rainbowtree's handiwork. I have no pity for Fancy Pants, none whatsoever. I should have known that it was going to be Fancy Pants who would get hurt, based on how many previews for this episode that CBS aired.

    A few more things:

    The most surprising moment of the episode was ChaCha nursing Fancy Pants. Come on woman! Stand up for yourself! I was rooting for her once Fancy Pants and Jugs started flagrantly insulting her, but my support dissipated once I saw Fancy Pants' head on her lap. You're right ChaCha--you are a fool!

    As for Tarzan, he can remember all of those fancy medical terms, but not the names of the handful of people who he has to live with for weeks, 24/7? Go figure.

    And yeah, this last twist seemed a bit abrupt, but it will definitely make the game more interesting (Menudo was essentially half-way down the toilet). I actually think that the new alliances will be more solid than the old ones. The New Menudos have proven themselves to be a bunch of cowards, idiots, and scoundrels, so I predict that they will still suffer, post-merge.

    J-Bird

    ReplyDelete
  9. Alicia is the luckiest Mean Girl on Earth! Each time it's her turn to get the Survivor ax, a shake-up happens. The girls were gonna vote her out, and the guys decide they want to go to Tribal Council. She is saved. Her number was up tonight, and Dimples calls for a merge. She is saved. He seems tired of her and her attitude. I wonder if he looks back and thinks about what rotten luck it was that each move production made tended to protect her.

    She's trying so hard to be a villain. Too bad she was put on the same season as Colton. His behavior makes her look less like the bully and more like the bully's tag-along. Her meanness is lost on me when Colton is around. We'll see what my reaction to her is now that he's not around to steal her thunder. She's just always gonna be the "Also Ran" villain of this season.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I have a few jobs for little Nettle, too!! What an amazing little creature she is! I just love when Karma doesn't just smack someone in the face, but keeps punching and punching until that ugly excuse for a person is lying on the ground writhing in ugly pain. I have never seen someone more deserving of what we witnessed last night. What a couple of disgusting, nasty mean girls. It amazes me every week that Alicia is a special ed teacher. I'm sure her colleagues and students are thrilled that she's galavanting around on national TV in a bikini that doesn't fit NOR look good on her, but sure does allow her bubble butt cheeks to embarrassingly grace my TV screen every 5 minutes. Not only that, she's been a mean and vile person from day one. Yeah, great role model. That's how you do it, kids! Disgusting.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Recently there was a report of special ed teachers that 'disciplined' their students by spraying their faces, heads, with water, treating them like animals, in my estimation). So, for some reason, when I heard that I thought of Jugs! Bullies with no heart.
    As for Colton, God doesn't like ugly & he and his cohort were intensely ugly after the ice cream reward comp.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ugh. That is horrible and disgusting that adults would think that is an okay way to treat children- especially those with special needs. Sickening!

      Delete
  12. i was sure i recognized jugs from somewhere, and then it hit me: the 'early man' exhibit at the natural history museum. she was posed next to her man while he slayed a wooly mammoth for her delight. she is gnarly, and has the personality to match her cavewoman face. this season sucks balls.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HA You nailed that one!!! neaderthal totally

      Delete
  13. OMG!!! Two hits with one bullet. I was so delighted to see Fancy Pants (Fairy Boy)writhing in pain.Karma hit him square in the ass. I hope to NEVER see him again on Survivor, in fact if they put him on again I won't watch it, I hate him so badly. Same goes for Jugs the Special Ed teacher. Those poor children might have got what they needed to get rid of her from the school system.I wouldn't want that piece of garbage within 25 feet of my child.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well said. Hope this hateful behavior bites Jugs in the ass back home. She is as pathetic as her coconut throws. And soooo happy FP is gone --- appendicitis is too good for him!!! but happy it happened! He is a despicable excuse for a human being. At the beginning of the show I thought he would be excluded, vilified for his sissy behavior but all of a sudden, he is in control, running the show!!!??? Glad he got what he deserved.

      Delete
    2. I'd love to know which school district she works for just in case school officials have not been following Survivor! I'd love to point them in the right direction!

      Delete
  14. Excellent recap. I knew my husband and I were not the only horrible human beings at home laughing our fucking ASSES off at FP and his appendicitis- serves you right. Good job Nettle Rainbowtree- now do your work on Jugs. (As a side note, if my memory serves me correctly- which it often doesn't- wasn't that your fairy name from the Fairy Name Generator you posted last season?)

    I could not understand Cha Cha's mothering of FP- I think she is just a way better person than I. I am pretty empathetic (while also being a major bitch), and if it were just about ANYONE else, I would have probably tried to comfort them as well. But after how cunt-y he was to almost everyone- telling Christina right to her face to throw herself in the fire? Fuck him.

    Kat... oh, Kat. You are more numb than a pounded thumb, my dear. The whole tribal council, as people were chiming in about having their appendices out, the look on her face got more horrified and confused, as if she were thinking, "Wait- how do all these people KNOW about this appendix thing?!" I really think she may be the dumbest Survivor to ever play- feel free to chime in, guys, if you can think of anyone dumber. (I could use a laugh)

    I seriously hope Jugs is next, and I agree with whomever said that the new alliances will probably be stronger than the older ones. They are really pushing the "One World" theme this season- I don't think they have ever merged with as many as twelve before.

    TarZAN and his "The game is afoot, Jeff" makes me laugh every time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh and P.S. I could use a vicodin smoothie right 'bout now.

      Delete
  15. A part of me is ridiculously cynical and questions the timing of FP's appendicitis and can't help but wonder whether the producers played a hand in this... A greater part, couldn't give a fuck and is glad the racist SOB is gone.

    Also - Jugs must be an advocate of corporal punishment in schools, that'll learn 'em good.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Brilliant recap Miss Lala, absolutely brilliant.
    Like all comments above I am glad to see the rear of Fancy pants, when he was down for the count, I was jumping in my seat and my heart rate doubled as well..."oh please make him go home, please make him go" then when Dr Ramona delivered her famous lines, "It's too risky at this stage" it dropped just a touch. I have to admit also I laughed as they carried him off.

    Jugs has now lost her partner in crime, she is hopeless with out him and somehow I cannot see her being welcomed back to the girls as easy as before. I think Christina may side with the guys, it could get her further.

    Does Tarzan look dumber every week, hard to accept he is actually some kind of doctor, with his bullshit game is afoot crap every week and calling the lovely Cha Cha Katrina, kind of reminds me of Phillip from Rhode Island and his inability to say Francesca.

    Quote of the season for me came last night from Probst...
    "My nephew could toss it better! Pathetic!"
    and then the eyes from Kat thinking appendicticus may be contagious.

    Just to end with a little trivia, if not already known yet but Probst teased that this show history would repeat itself and it did, someone collapsing in the jungle (Rob-Heroes v Villains) 2 tribes at TC (Samoa) but the really big one was Mike Skupin (Australia) Penner (Micronesia) and Russell Swan (Samoa) were all medically evacuated in episode 6 of their respective seasons.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Interesting! I didn't realize they had all been med evac'd in episode six. Hmm.

      Delete
    2. WOW Survivor trivia god - Rob you rock!!!

      Delete
  17. I usually like this blog and your take on the players, but I have to disagree with you about Kim....she is being smart and playing the game- not being too in-your-face/bitchy/annoying...clearly a more silent leader of the group. She appears to be about the only normal one....the rest are on crack.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't dislike her as a person. I just think she's incredibly boring to watch.

      Delete
    2. Incredibly silent as in she can't even speak because her head is so far up Chelsea's ass.

      Delete
    3. So, is that actually Kim or one of Kim's friends speaking?? .....

      Delete
    4. Kim is a-w-f-u-l-l-y boring....

      Delete
    5. ummmm kim actually strategizes, makes alliances,and finds idols. shes a very interesting player. I don't like the fact that she aligns with chelsea either but she definitively not boring.

      Delete
  18. Now Colton is going to go back home, and face the wrath of all of America as they tell him how much of an ass he was on that show for the rest of his life. He's doomed, karma is going to stomp a mudhole into him.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Which one is Kim? ______(insert laughter)

    I don't see any girl vs. guy alliances returning. I'll be happy enough to finally see individual immunity in play. I don't see anyone with notable skills or ability to dominate. Everything else is just chatter. Time to put up or shut up. Jugs should be closest to the door.

    Thanks Lala for the inside story of fairy induced appendageitis. Hopefully the little pixie snipped a nerve a two to give FP ED also.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I just have to say that Kim's caterpillar eyebrows are the scariest things I have ever seen.

    ReplyDelete
  21. As we were watching FP and Jugs be as mean and nasty as they could be to poor Cha Cha, I suddenly remembered that someone gets medivacked out. My mom said that it was Cha Cha, that she twisted her ankle. I was bummed. I was hoping that she could talk Leif, Jonas and whoever the other guy was (can't recall right now) into growing a pair and voting out Jugs.

    Then FP starts feeling all hinky and I thought to myself Huh? Then he gets really sick and collapses in the jungle and I was even more confused but just a tiny bit elated. I didn't want to get my hopes up tho cuz my mom said she saw that Cha Cha got hurt and it was her that left. Then The docs come in to check out FP and my mom and son start screaming and jumping up and down laughing their asses off.

    I told them to knock it off or they were going to jinx it. I was not going to celebrate until Dimples made it official. I was actually silently celebrating and praying to the glitter gods that it wasn't all just a big ole hoax.

    Then Dimples made it official and we all cracked open our jars of glitter and danced around the room.

    Loved how that nasty bitch Jugs got all pissy to the camera and said about how she was screwed now cuz she voted out Monica. That's what ya get Bitch for turning on your alliance and being such a cunt.

    I too am horrified by the fact that she works with children, especially special ed. I hope that Tarzan is retired.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I almost cannot watch this survivor. I cannot believe cabs would even allow ignorance on there tv station. These two Colton and Alicia are horrible people I hope they getvwhat they desereve in life.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Great title! I can't wait to see whether Christina flips to the men's side.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! In a seasonwith no logic, that would be a great move on her part. No reason not to do it, the guys would accept her, and the rest of the bitches would get theirs one at a time. The longer Jugs is around, the worse I like it. But at least the wicked bitch is dead! ding dong!

      Delete
  24. "Blue Baby Eyeballs", Your imagination is unsurpassed Colette!

    The producers are in crisis management mode, trying to bring the worst season of Survivor back to something watchable in order to save their jobs, I'm sure there is the threat of heads rolling, particular the casting directors. The sponsers, who pay the bills, are asking why they cast a very immature spoiled brat who acts like a little girl (and then amps it up for the cameras) in the leading role of a series that is supposed to show survivor skills in a harsh environment. From what I see, in comparison to the very first season, these people are well fed and apparently given bug spray to fend off critters, the first season people had to eat bugs to survive and live without fire until well into the season, not to mention much more primive shelters. This season is staying at the Ritz while eating ice cream sundaes in comparison.

    I have a suggestion for a future season: Give us all contestants with an IQ of over 130, give us all extroverts, give us all in a certain five year age span, give us all very fit people; now, let them fight it out, I guarantee the fireworks will be amazing! You could still do all of the politically correct inclusion of various races and sexual orientation, bring on a transvestite if necessary(Colette's imagination is wearing off on me.)

    Oh, Colton will be back, they can't help themselves, but his gig will be up very quickly, the future contestants have seen his act and he'll be lucky to survive one episode, unless we get a whole tribe of varients that look and act even worse than him.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Thank you for the blog. Am I the only one tat was confused by Kat answering touche to Jeff's question? WTF? It was completely out of context. She dint the sharpest knife in the drawer that one.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Thank heavens Fancy Pants is gone. It was really hard to watch the mean little bastard.
    Little man Leif went up those blocks like he was made for it. GO LEIF!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I say congratz to Colton's appendix. I would not want to be attached to the guy either. Survivor has had mean players before, so that is not the problem with Colton. Colton's big thing was (so great using the past tense) not the meanness but the stupid, spiteful, gloating, pettiness, 'ghetto trash', 'little munchkin'. It's almost a pity he won't make game's end because he would have slammed into the same barrier as Russell but more so. You cannot win a social game by making people loathe you.

    ReplyDelete
  28. So psychopath narcissist Fancy Pants got appendicitis - proof there is a God. But why couldn't Nettle Rainbowtree have brought something more justly deserved and painful, like a collapsing brain tumor, or a jungle wasp implanting larva in his testicles in the middle of the night? With a little bit of unluckiness on our part, Fancy Pants made it through surgery.

    Maybe FP wanted to be a villain, and a villain he was - as was Adolph Hitler, Mao Zedong, Benito Mussolini, and Joseph Stalin. They were all villains, but they were not great villains, they were terrible villains, villains that no one in their right mind would want emulate. In contrast, the great villains that we've seen in past seasons of Survivor, in great novels, and in great films have always had a redeeming quality, sometimes intangible, but nevertheless always something especially likable - something that offsets all that bad terribleness. Maybe they spit green bubbly goo. Or maybe they make a really funny laugh just before they rip out someones heart and lungs. But not Fancy Pants. Nope. Nothing likable there.

    But wait a minute... Fancy Pants wants to remind us of when he got the maid fired! Wasn't that a likable quality? No, Fancy Pants. That was not a likable quality. She was just trying to earn a living while picking up your dirty underwear. Now, she'll probably have to go do some really low-class job like being a stand-up comic, or something else just as bad. But if she was a stand-up comic villain, she would still be a good one. Fancy Pants on the other hand has no redeeming quality to even be a good villain - nothing... unless one finds the utter rejection of what gives people their humanity to be a redeeming quality.

    Have the producers started giving the applicants a psychological test for pathology, just to make sure that they include a narcissist, or some variant mixture of worse, every season?

    This week's episode of Survivors still was not available online, as of tonight, so your fabulous recap filled in the missing blanks, Lala. And while we reach for but can in no way attain the level of your perfection, you do inspire us to be more creative posters.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I'm another one who was glad to see Colton go. Nettle Rainbowtree is my heroine! I was even laughing my head off that it turned out not to be appendicitis after all but a bacterial infection. It just doesn't sound as "dignified" as leaving a game for a ruptured appendix. So now I hear Colton's been offered 100K to be on another Survivor. Booo. I have a feeling the guys and the women will hang tight with their original alliances. Christina is definitely on the outs with the women though (but I don't really get why) so maybe she would be better off trying to get in with the men. What I *wish* is that they would vote Alicia out next but I guess her ass was saved with this merge. Too bad.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Am I the only one who thinks this season is going to be very boring with out Colton. I don't see alot of intelligent game playing from anyone else. I agree Kim is VERY boring and if stupididty is now entertaining, this season has that in abundance ie. Kat, Tarzan. Love him or Hate him at least Fancy Pants was watchable. It's a REALITY show people do you really think these people are like this in real life? How many seasons now and people still don't realize that the cast create charecters for themselves!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No your not. I shall miss Colton as well :(.

      Delete
  31. Myself, I was praying Fancy Pants had contracted the dreaded "black clap" they told us about over in Vietnam, that made your dick fall off. Alas, he had a medical issue that could be cured.

    And he'll be back, rest assured, and considering the fact Boston Rob went as far as he did last time around, Fancy Pants will endure through a horribly painful season for any Survivor viewers who can stomach watching it. I love a evil bastard as much as anyone, but this jackass even pisses me off.

    Kim seems nice enough, agreed boring as hell, and sports a mustache that's fuller than my younger brother, and he's in his 50's.

    Love ya Colette. Which one is Monica? And who is Katrina, and when did she come into the game?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm tempted to call Kim "Handlebar" for the rest of the season.

      Delete
    2. @Colette- yes! Do it!

      Delete
    3. "OMG Handlebar! Good one, Heather." "Thanks, Heather."

      Delete
  32. It never fails... Once somebody starts to get cocky and thinkin' they're running the game Karma rears its head and hurts your appendix (nods to Kat). Sorry FP, you're not the head Queen anymore! WIth Love, Moth Willowwing I LOVE the fairy Name Generator!

    ReplyDelete
  33. and miss lala i agree with you about kat, btw. when she was genuinely scared and confused by the concept of appendicitis i realized all her previous antics were in no way an act. suddenly her annoying behavior became endearing; retroactively and almost completely. i had always thought there was an element of fakery on her part, but she seems like a pretty genuine person from what i can see, and pretty dumb. lol.

    ReplyDelete
  34. "Big Fun" fan wrote...March 26, 2012 at 10:40 AM

    Dear Diary,

    I want to kill and you've got to believe it's not for selfish reasons! Oh Christ, I can't explain it but I'm allowed an understanding that my parents and my fellow Survivor watching assholes have chosen to ignore. My understanding is that I must stop Nettle Rainbowtree! That capricious karma fairy is ruining Survivor! I desperately wanted to see a proper resolution to Queen Colton's game. Now the despicable dandy will genuinely believe he should have won. You just stay the hell out of it Rainbowtree! And don't you DARE mess with Tarzan or Kat! This is SURVIVOR! You have no business here! NO BUSINESS!

    Oh who am I kidding, I can't stop Nettle. She is Fate's lieutenant! She'll do whatever is bidden by Fate and I'll be forced to lick it up baby. Lick. It. Up. I'm just a nobody, a nothing. A cockroach even. I'll never get what I want. I'll never know true love or feel the warm Parisian wind in my hair or get to see a killer Survivor season again. Heaven knows I'm miserable now.

    Dearest Diary, being a teenager is so, like, hard. I think I've had enough. I've decided to Plath myself. Before I turn on the gas though, I would like to write one last word in you. It is a word that captures all my despair, all my helplessness, all my yearning and all my ennui...


    Eskimo.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lawlz to my ballz!
      Totally agreed, fudge rainbowTree. Such a lacklustre ending for a great character. It takes alot of ballz to act a fool as he did and I mos def respect that in a survivor. Ballz.

      Delete
  35. Love your over-the-top humor Lala!!!!! I, too, would like to put in my 2 cents and thank Nettle Rainbowtree(AKA Karma) for a job well done!!

    ReplyDelete
  36. Read on twitter last night that Colton is running his mouth in his home town that he has been paid $100,000 to be on a future Survivor. Hope it's not try as the little SOB ruins the show for me. Another great job Glitter Gal

    ReplyDelete