Thursday, March 15, 2012

I Smell A 'But' Coming

When time claws its craggily nails across our skins we begin that slow and inevitable decline into dementia. Foolhardy ineptitude. Absurd fatuity. Sharp lines become blurs, jaws melt into jowls, and breasts get renamed as "knees". The ordered world around us, with its rules and lines and stop signs, garbles into a new world, a new land. One called Folly. In Folly it's whatever goes. Lawlessness is the order of the day. Want to sprinkle buttons on your oatmeal? Go for it! Want to house small woodland creatures in your eyebrows? You got it! Want to drive through a shopping mall fountain while high on Metamucil? Be my guest! Most stand at the door of Folly with trepidation. Peering through its peephole, they're just not ready. More antioxidants! More Botox! Resveratrol! Fiber! Gah! Shush gentle folk. Instead, let's tiptoe forward into Folly's embrace. Let us pop our memories like soap bubbles on the wind together. Plus, renaming objects and people might be more fun than you think or my name isn't Lady Jenny of Sparklebottom. Let's recapitulate, shall we?

With the waves rolling gently ashore, we continue our sordid jungle tale in the ramshackle matchstick shelter known as Salami (Salani). The womenfolk awake and wipe the sleep from their eyes with a renewed purpose. A miracle saved one of them from going home last night and when a miracle presents itself at your feet, you kind of want it to stick around for as long possible. You readjust your karmic hat, vow to be a better bitch from here on out, and greet the future with a new outlook, a new spirit. It is indeed a sign from above, from beyond, that all seven women woke up to skrunkle through another day together again. Sabrina knows this and smiles on her sisters with gratitude. Even Jugs (Alicia) knows when a miracle is jiggling itself right before her very eyes. Mesmerized by its buoyancy, she tunes in for Tokyo and makes an oath of solidarity with the rest of her breasted tribe. ChaCha (Christina), too, wants to wipe the slate clean and start over again. With a flick of Kat's skittles and a toot of her horn (read: ass) the women become womyn and hope reigns supreme. The sky's the limit now. These seven gentle souls coming together as one under the cosmic guidance of Artemis or Isis or Persephone are a force to be reckoned with. For nothing, and I mean nothing, can destroy something as sacred as solidarity.

Come on in guys! Drop your buffs! New tribes! Well, except maybe that. That can destroy solidarity.

And just like that, the womyn go back to being women and the men... well, they're still blissfully unaware of how stupid it was to vote off one of their own last night. The only real reaction from the men comes in the form of a gasp from Fancy Pants (Colton) who, I have a sneaking suspicion, gasps at anything and everything anyways. Is that pink Izod on sale? Gasp! Did Jemima burn my waffles again? Gasp! You mean, I have to drag my fat ass to another tribe? Gasp!

Dimples tells the newly tribeless ne'er-do-wells that this will be a random switch. Survivors must pick an egg and smash it onto their person where the colored goo inside will determine their new tribe. Blue means Salami and Orange means Menudo (Manono). Smash!

Kat tries biting into her egg and ends up with a Salami mustache while Jugs cracks her egg like a walnut in between her chesticles. Fancy Pants claps his egg between delicate fingers while Monica bounces her egg off of her biceps and onto the chiseled rock that is her abs. Some smash happily, others smash with indifference, and somewhere, in the land of Folly, Tarzan (Greg) cracks his into a skillet with melted butter. Let's meet our new tribes, shall we?

The New Salami is as follows: Michael, Sabrina, Kat, Kim, Jay, Prunes (Chelsea), and Troyzan (Troy).

The New Menudo is: Tarzan, Fancy Pants, ChaCha, Jugs, Monica, Leif, and Jonas.

For today's Reward Challenge, tribes will work together in teams of four to carry buckets riddled with holes to a water fountain. On your way back from the fountain, you will work to plug the holes and prevent the water from the leaking out. You'll then dump the water into a container and head back to your fountain. The first tribe to fill their container and raise their flag wins peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and coffee. In addition, the winning tribe earns the right to continue living on the One World beach while the losing tribe will be a sent to a new beach where they must create a New World. Survivors ready, go.

Both tribes scurry quickly to their fountains with the Menudos heading back to their container first. Tarzan looks at his surroundings marveling at the foliage around him. He spots a Red-footed B0oby on the horizon and pauses to take in all of it's glory. Perhaps lost in beauty, or the fog that's muddled his mind over the past few years, he forgets he's in a challenge altogether and marches right over Monica in the direction of the rare Booby. Monica tumbles down the steps, still holding the bucket high overhead, and tries to guide Tarzan back into the direction of their Menudo container.

With torn knees, a broken ankle, and two popped implants, Monica trudges on to carry and guide bucket after bucket of water into the awaiting container. Where Menudo is choosing to go with quantity, Salami has chosen to go with quality. They linger longer at the filling station and I can't really say whether it was a better strategy or not. Had Tarzan actually been paying attention rather than bird watching during that first leg, the outcome could have been very different. In the end, by a mere trickle, SALAMI WINS REWARD!!!

Back at the Salami camp, Sabrina is overjoyed. She was thrilled when that hat rack Kim popped blue, but when Prunes and Kat popped blue too - well, that was just the icing on the cake. Four out of her original alliance of five have ended up together on the same tribe and they get to stuff their faces with peanut butter. It looks like that miracle that saved the women last night still has some life in it.

Meanwhile, over at the New Menudo, where miracles go to die, Fancy Pants is sucking the life out of everyone and everything. Upon his arrival the sun crashed into the ocean and a dank stale emptiness enveloped everything. The stars and fish conversed briefly to one another through the blackness and decided to hit the road in search of an environment where happiness and life actually exist. Try as they might, ChaCha and Monica remain in good spirits. They'll make this new shelter better! They'll make it bigger! It'll be drier and cozier and better ventilated and, and, and... "These people suck. I hate them. We're never gonna win." *loud sucking noise* Ooops. There goes positivity again. Sucked through space and time into a Fancy Pants black hole.

And not only is Fancy Pants down and out in Menudo Hills, but Jugs is already waving the white flag as well. As far as she is concerned, this game is over before it even began. Might as well pack up and head home. I mean, what's the point? What's the point of trying? What's the point of hope? She had hope this morning and look where that got her... on a tribe with Dr. Evil and Methuselah. Besides, didn't Sandra Bullock say that Hope Floats? It sure does. It floats away. Far far away. Far into the inky waters and back on over to Salami. Buh bye hope.

Even though hope is lost and life is such a waste of time anymore, there is still a game going on. Fancy Pants needs to make sure that the women know he's with them 100%. Jugs and ChaCha eat it up while only Monica remains suspicious. She doesn't know Fancy Pants from a stairmaster or a treadmill. He could be a master manipulator pulling all the strings for all she knows. Being the strongest woman on a tribe where the women are short one member has put her in a very precarious position. Does she trust that Fancy Pants is telling the truth (no, God no, please Monica, no!) or does she try to change women back to womyn again? Well, no matter what she chooses she'll still get in a boot camp, some cardio, a little circuit training, and, to top it all off, she'll bench press some trees in her spare time. How old is Monica? Isn't she like 95 or something? That body! Whoa, it's killer.

Back over at Salami, crabs are falling from the sky and the sand is made of gold and diamonds. Chickens burst forth in joyful glee out of the trees yelling "Eat me! Eat me! I'm yours!" while crispy brand new money waves in the breeze where the leaves used to be. The tree sap is now a decadent caramel made from the very hands of Martha Stewart and if you look to the sky every few minutes or so, you'll see a triple rainbow with dolphins leaping underneath it. Over in the grotto an orgy of merpeople (mermen and mermaids) await in various stages of undress to welcome anyone and everyone in an array of sexual delights. It's Xanadu, it's Cythera. The ocean is made of gin, the air smells of jasmine, and every now and again a Red-footed Booby poops ambrosia.

But here too, in this paradise, a game must be played. Jay has looked around himself and counted that the mens are down to three while the womens are up to four. Under the guise of anticipating the Merge, he whispers to Troyzan and Kim that they should make an alliance of four or five, but I think he's really just trying to save his ass from the women voting the men out one by one. At least I should hope that's what he's thinking because his days are numbered if he's not considering the sexual divide. Kim whispers that Prunes is her best good friend and even though all she does is hide from onlookers under her baseball cap, she'd be perfect to join their new co-ed alliance. It's strange that Kim is so readily giving up little secrets about who she trusts. She's only been with the guys for a hot minute yet she's already confiding in them and making future plans. So much for loyalty.

Oh dear. Furrow your brows and put on your miserable faces because it's time to whisk back on over to Menudo. "I hate this tribe." "Me too." "I hate these people." "Me too." Oh look, it's Jugs and Fancy Pants having an inspiring talk about how to win in the next challenge. Sensing that Jugs is his compatriot in all things wretched, Fancy Pants pitches the idea of voting out ChaCha first. Jugs, thankfully, shakes her head no and tells him that they need all the women to stay strong. Fancy Pants tells her that maybe they'll be better off with Tarzan and Jonas. Again, Jugs furiously shakes her head no. Switching to side with the men who sent themselves to Tribal Council is crazy talk whereas the women are loyal and will stand by each other no matter what.

Lurking in the background we see Jonas wondering why Fancy Pants is talking with Jugs. As soon as Jugs bounces off, Jonas makes his approach to interrogate him. Fancy Pants immediately reassures the paranoid Jonas saying that he's with the men, but he's only pretending to be with the girls. That seems good enough for Jonas as he lurches back to the construction site satisfied with all he has heard. It's only when he's halfway to his destination does he stop and scratch his head. Hmm, why doesn't Fancy Pants ever work? How does he get away with it? Jonas looks to the sand in deep contemplation and considers for a smidge that Fancy Pants could be working with the women. With a sigh and a shoulder shrug, Jonas trundles off back to work. That's our Jonas. No questions, no worries. Whatever. It's cool. For me, Jonas is a cucumber. You use it in sushi rolls where you're not quite ready to take the risk yet. "No raw fish for me please. I'll just have the cucumber." That's Jonas. Crunchy Jonas.

Back at Salami a narrow reed of a woman, Kim, is slithering her way all along the beach in search of an Idol. She wraps herself around tree limbs while poking in and out of inviting holes searching for the prize. Eventually she finds it and we all just kind of yawned. It's hard to care about someone with the personality of a carpet fiber. Kim is another one of those cornflake girls where you think there's something there but the second you pour milk on her she wilts and gets all soggy. Things are getting kind of gross and I go a sleepy time. You end up pushing her down the garbage disposal never giving her a second thought.

So, with the Idol in her vagina, Kim lopes on over to share the news with Prunes. Why these people always tell each other their secrets is a mystery to me. I guess Prunes is her best good friend, but still... just once I'd like to see someone truly pull an Idol blindside. What's more is that, like so many Idol holders before her, Kim now believes that she and Prunes have an amazing power. An amazing power would be to entertain me with your charisma. That would be an amazing power. To have an Idol is nice and helpful, but it's not a victory. Season in and season out, I never understand this mentality that the Idol makes someone untouchable. To me, the Idol is nice to have and can save your ass when you need it. And then, that's it. It's gone and you can't use it anymore. Were its eyes to light up like rubies and it was able to cast a spell giving the tribe an incurable flesh eating disease, then we'll talk because that could be really cool. Until that happens, it's nothing more than a way to save yourself for one week. ONE week. One. Not two, not three. One.

Over at Menudo, the gentle beast is sleeping... in a speedo. Shh, don't wake Tarzan. While it's nappy time for the geritol crowd and Fancy Pants, Monica tiptoes over to a stray chicken. She gingerly pulls the string of an awaiting chicken trap and traps the sucker. Jugs bursts on the scene jumping up and down, "We are so fed! We are so fed!" But, the giant weight of her bosoms bobbing up and down triggered a fault line or something and the cage shifted letting the frantic chicken run free. With his belly hanging over the edge of his pants, Fancy Pants gnaws on his cuticles and moans, "These people suck at Survivor. I mean, let's be honest." He thinks a little more about the upcoming challenge and, in addition to deciding that they're already going to lose, he's now changed his mind and wants to get rid of Monica instead of ChaCha. He pitches the idea to an alarmingly receptive Jugs. *smacks Jugs in the head because I know she's reading this* Jugs! What happened to Take Back The Night and Roe v. Wade and suffrage and Gloria and all that other crap? *throws hands in the air* Ugh!

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, three members of each tribe will race to get a ball in the water. Teams will then shoot the ball into a basket while members of the competing tribe try to stop you any way they can. First tribe to score three points wins. Survivors ready, go!

First up it's 3 men taking on 3 men. We have Larry, Curly, and Moe up against Michael, Jay, and Troyzan. The ball flies free and Jay immediately shoves Fancy Pants in the chest. He sinks under the water and even though hope floats, I hoped Fancy Pants forgot how to swim in that moment and sunk right to the very bottom. Jay races to the ball, passing it to Michael, and boom. Salami 1-0.

Next up we have teams of 2 women and 1 man. It's ChaCha, Monica, and Leif up against Sabrina, Kat, and Michael. Sabrina steals Jay's opening move and shoves ChaCha away while Michael steals the ball. Leif tries to splash him with water to distract him from shooting while Monica comes out of nowhere and snags the ball away. In anger, Michael lifts Leif out of the water and tosses him back to New Zealand but the little man swims back in time to steal the ball away again only to shoot and narrowly miss. Kat gets the ball next but now it's all covered in powdered sugar and grape jelly. Leif tackles her at the waist proving to be an amazing competitor despite his size. In the end, it just wasn't enough and Michael scores again. Salami 2-0.

In the all women's relay it's ChaCha, Monica, and Jugs up against Kat, Sabrina, and Prunes. Kat makes an early escape with the ball only to have ChaCha wrestle her down and try to drown her. The ball breaks free and after a failed shot by Sabrina, Monica gets the ball and scores! Salami -2, Menudo -1.

We shift back to the same men's line up we had in round 1. Dimples lobs the ball in and we see Fancy Pants prance and waddle like a goose on speed. He leaps on top of the ball while Michael pushes him under and, for a second, I wondered who to root for. I don't want Menudo to lose, but... Fancy Pants may drown and that would kind of be a win. Before I can decide which way to lean Tarzan rips Jay off of Fancy Pants and Fancy Pants tosses a ridiculously short air ball. Eventually, the ball ends up in Michael's hands which means, get ready for it... SALAMI WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at Menudo, the gentle giant yet again sleeps. Oh sure, Tarzan's tribe just lost the challenge, but shhhh. If he doesn't get his rest now he won't be in a good mood come 4:00 (aka dinner time) and a cranky Tarzan is an unwelcome Tarzan. The rest of the tribe talks amongst themselves and Monica is quick to remind everyone how she scored a point in the game. Jonas high fives her and an awkward silence falls over the scene. Monica asks, "Well, now what?" Jugs stares at the ground and shifts uncomfortably while Monica and Leif caucus about how they need to stay strong for the next challenge. As a fellow bad ass, Leif seems cool with Monica and I'm immediately reminded how poorly Fancy Pants has treated Leif in the past. If only Leif would say something to the women about it! Why he's still pledging loyalty to the men who wanted him out not 48 hours ago is mind boggling. His first day in that camp should have gone something like this, "Fancy Pants is a psycho. I have no future with the men. I'm with you ladies." Can you imagine how different a game this would be?

So while my mind is going through all the scenarios that aren't playing out, Fancy Pants is locking in Monica as the one to go home. Meanwhile, Jugs is telling ChaCha that Tarzan is the one to the go. She lying of course, but ChaCha thinks it's a grand idea because Tarzan sucks at competitions and has an unusual amount of hair growing out of his ears. ChaCha passes the Tarzan message along to Jonas who agrees that Tarzan sucked in the challenge yet we all know he wants to keep the old goat around.

Sensing that something stinks in Menudo, Monica makes the rounds to make sure that she's indeed staying. They all tell her Tarzan is going home and she's all like, "Are you sure?" You know what that is, don't you? That's an Oprah whisper. It's when you know deep inside that something isn't quite right. You get a gnawing in your gut or maybe it's just a tickle on the back of your neck. You may feel it when you meet an unsavory character or board a plane that's about to crash. If only those whispers could scream...

So now there's only one more person to get on board - Tarzan.
"Tarzan, we're voting out Monica."
"Mon-i-ca. Tell me which one she is."
"She's wearing a pink bikini."
"Ok green bikini."
"No! Pink."
"Right. Daisy in the pink bikini."
"No! Monica in the pink bikini."
"Gotcha. Pink in the Monica bikini."
"Just remember, Monica Lewinsky."
"And what color bikini does she have on?"
"She's not wearing a bikini! Remember Monica Lewinsky and you'll remember Monica."
"O.K. The Big Lebowski. No problemo."

And this brings us to Tribal Council. Right away Monica talks about how it was hard to leave the rest of the girls, but in a nice surprise it turns out that the Menudo beach is better, the food is plentiful, and everyone is playing like a team. At home, I cringed while on the dais that creepy Fancy Pants smiled to himself. It didn't end with a smile though. He goes on to say that if Monica can save this sinking ship then by all means she should take the wheel. "We need Monica!", he declares. Oh shut up you! Oh he makes me so angry. Here's the thing, I like Monica. She was always my dark horse to win. Plus, she's ridiculously nice. So sitting here watching Fancy Pants weave his evil webs of deceit is infuriating.

Dimples turns his attention to Jugs and asks her to chime in on Monica. "I definitely umm think she's umm amazing and just the most amazing... she's really amazing and does all these amazing things and amazingly she's amazing." Red flag! Red flag! I see it, you see it, Dimples sees it, but does Monica see it? Dimples interrupts, "I smell a 'but' coming." *giggles* Jugs finally fesses up that Monica can be seen as a threat. Honey, you need to worry about winning challenges right now, not some physical threat. If anyone is a threat, it's Fancy Pants. Monica is athletic, but not very deceptive. Deceit would be what I would target first. Always.

Let's see what Tarzan thinks about all of this. Yo Tarzan. You awake?
"I've dropped my assertiveness on a different lodestar."
I think that translates to "Does anyone have any Prevacid?"
"I shan't say because the game is afoot."
Dude, I'm not rubbing your feet.
"That's a neologism."
Jism. Eww, stop it!

"I have nominal aphasia."
Dimples manages to work out that this means Tarzan can't remember people's names so, naturally, he asks Tarzan to name his tribe members.
"That's Alice and that there is Bobby and then there's Patrick and Garrett. That little one there, that's Lotus. And where's Beauford?" *everyone looks around* "Oh, right there. There's Beauford. And then of course. No one can forget Skippy. Lastly, there's Lucy."
Dimples is tempted to point out that he's named one person too many, but then he figured he was Lucy so he stayed quiet.

No matter how much Dimples tried to make Tarzan out to be a buffoon, no one takes the hint and Monica is the 5th person voted out of Survivor: One World. That one hurt because I don't particularly care for the Salami tribe and I fear the women left on the Menudo tribe won't last much longer. Bummer.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Are you surprised Fancy Pants has stayed in control? Can Menudo win a challenge? Will the women on Salami stick together? Who do you think gets hurt next week? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. Menudo = Morons. 'Nuff said.

  2. I hope Fancy Pants hurts himself. Hell, if he got a splinter he'd be out for the count. Lord I hate Colton.

    Pinky swear Colton? Really? What are you, 6?

    Besides, it's the only way he won't make it to the end because they're just too damned stupid to get rid of his ass.

    He's a total sleaze wrapped up in a fairy costume.

    Once again, wonderful recap. I raise my Hendricks martini to you.


  3. Everyone should know, if you truly want a miracle to stick around, and be appreciated, the women should have douched with it. Even a miracle wants the warmth and coziness of a woman's love. Lip service will only get you so far. Another wonderful blog, Colette!


  4. Dave in San DiegoMarch 15, 2012 at 3:21 PM

    No I am not surprised that Fancy Pants has remained in control. Just as I am not surprised that people are voting for Rick Santorum... People actually voted for George Bush...Twice. After his first term of actually trying to destroy this country more than one person voted for him for a second term... the same phenomena explains Fancy Pants' reign. Ignorance, inattentiveness, laziness, all pave the way for a psychopath to take control..

    1. Can we keep our political views out of this?

    2. Please, no politics!

  5. Thanks for the Tori reference.

    Do you have thoughts on the scenes from next week (aka: Future lies)?

    1. I haven't seen anything other than the tiny promo last night at the end of the show. I know someone else goes home and I guess it's "historical" because it'll be two people in one season.

      Are there more scenes posted somewhere else?

    2. Yes, I too was titillated by the Cornflake reference. (Also: the Dude abides!) I don't know what I like best about this blog--your cultural and intellectual references or your naughty humor. I keep coming back for all of it.

      Thanks for clearing up the 'historical' tease. That makes complete sense. (But funny thing is--I'd totally forgotten about that poor girl who shattered her arm in the first episode. I'd completely forgotten we'd already lost someone to medivac!)

      Except for the most horrible Infant to *ever* exist, they've all been remarkably boring unfortunately, I doubt the medivac will bring a major change to the game unless it is the Infant who goes.

      Looking forward to the next edition. Until then, I'm working on creating a special celebration drink for when Prunes eventually gets voted off. She seems like a Miller Lite kinda girl--but hell, I'm not. So I will create something worthy of a true boozateria. --Cheers!--

  6. Once again great recap Miss Lala, despite evil Colton I was going for the Menudo tribe mainly because of Cha Cha and Monica who I both simply adored, now that the latter has gone, only another miracle that you spoke of will save Cha Cha, then I suppose I'll have to become Team Salani but the merge may have happened by then and does Jugs truly believe that once Cha Cha goes that the next target won't be her jugs herself, if she thinks Fancy Pants is going to vote out the men before her then she is a dumb ass.

    Is it any kind of miraculous coincidence that Salami scored the people that they did, I mean let's face it, the three strongest guys and four strongest girls versus the, well the remainder, sees too good to be true, were the eggs labelled so they picked up their own knowing full well their fate or luck before cracking open their future...just saying.

    I would also just like to point out something I and obviously everyone else as well have been thinking for several weeks and Dimples highlighted it last night....Tarzan is a dickhead and needs to be taken to an area far away where dickheads run free. I agree Dimples tried to tell everyone else that this person was a waste of space and his place not only on this tribe but on this entire survivor season is questionable.

    I host a survivor fan page and about the time Kourtney left the game, someone posted that "____________" was evacuated in episode 6 and now it is turning out to be in fact true. If you want to know who I heard you can PM me.

    You have a great week too Bitch and thanks again. It's a thrill.

    1. I forgot your plug again. Dammit!


    2. No need for the credit, I am happy if it helps you :)

    3. Of course you get credit!

      Well deserved.

    4. I don't know how to PM somebody. I also tried to find your Survivor fan page but had no luck. I want to know who gets hurt in next weeks episode. Can somebody post some info about these things please? Thanx.

    5. kandeekane, Rob's FB Group is called Survivor Seasons. I think he meant that you can PM him there on Facebook.

  7. My money's on the one who gets hurt next week, that is. It appears that the tribe-switching twist really unhinged him--notice that he, the ever-vocal Tarzan, had nothing to say when the twist was revealed, and he obviously lost his marbles for the rest of the episode. I predict that, next week, he is the one going down, a victim of ISLAND MADNESS! (a.k.a. dehydration).

    A few more thoughts:

    I love the basketball/wrestling challenge! Always a pleasure. Especially this time, seeing Leif tossed around like a bean bag, and Fancy Pants flopping all over the place.

    And, the New Salami is loaded athletically (except for Kat); and the New Menudo is toast, espcially with Fancy Pants and a clueless Jugs at the helm.


  8. It's all Sabrina's fault.

    We can track the madness back to her giving Colton the Immunity Idol. Colton would be gone and Monica would still be there.

  9. One thing I do like about Tarzan: he's the first person to refuse to answer Jeff's ridiculously probing questions about strategy. I've always been amazed at how people will talk to Jeff as if the rest of the tribe isn't sitting RIGHT there, so it was kind of nice to see someone remind him that the game is still being played and players might not want to be forced to tip their hands.

  10. Jonas the crunchy cucumber - LOL! I spit out my Diet Dr. Pepper at that one.

    Your description of Fancy Pants as a souless fun-sucker made me think of a dementor. Colton is a friggin' dementor. For some reason these fools believe him - I think his evil ass might actually win this whole thing.

    I'm pulling for Sabrina. She's strong, has a decent attitude, and can be counted on to make a smart ass comment now and again. Yes, she made the mistake of giving The Dementor the idol, but she quickly realized that he was an annoying tool, so I totally forgive her.

    Awesome post, as always.

  11. As usual, great recap this week Lala! You make my day a tad brighter on a weekly basis and for that I am grateful.

    Disappointed that Monica got voted out as I was rooting for her. She seems like the kind of bitch I would love hanging out with. Nice to see the producers got inspired by Ozzy with that whole tribe switcheroo thing.
    I was chuckling to myself when Jay mentioned the tribe Manono, I remember thinking ..Hah! Idiot got his tribe wrong..its Menudo!...Until I realized that I was the one that got it wrong. But you know what, I don't care! to me, Manono will always be Menudo no matter what Jay says.

    After watching the promo for next week's ep, was anyone else hoping that ChaCha had dragged FP into the jungle to rough him up a little but ended up killing him? I sure do hope so.

  12. Best part of the entire episode was when Jay began the immunity challenge by shoving Fancy Pants.
    It does seems way too coincidental that the tribes split out with such disparity. Poor Monica. What happened to her was a bummer. She didn't deserve to be voted off.

  13. I stand second to nobody in my contempt for Colton, but you have to give credit where it's due: he's playing a very good Survivor game - he's been in total control of not one, but now two tribes. He is ruling by fear and superior intelligence. It's quite Russell-like.

    I know he's a loathsome person on every level, but that doesn't take away from the fact that this is true.

    This Survivor episode was not great: switching the tribes so early really disrupted the momentum and drama that was finally starting to build. It just all seems so scattered now.

  14. Colette: Thanks for taking an incredibly boring episode and making it entertaining for us, I bet it was a challenge for you this week. I try to select my favorite quote each week and this time it's the "cornflake girls", which of course is absolutely true about Kim. Since I am a guy, could one of you ladies explain why the women were so eager to believe and trust Fancy Pants this week, what happened to female intuition? So, Colton is picking off the potential "leaders", regardless of athletic ability, the Salami tribe had better bond in advance and vote him out after the merge, they will certainly have the majority numbers.

    As far as the contestents and producers reading this blog, I'm guessing most make it their first read just like the rest of us, and if they are reading this, please give us real game players next season, this season is a huge disappointment and karma is setting in with all of the injuries and evacuations, remember, once things go south, it is very difficult to bring it back.

  15. I'm glad see Colton end up on the weaker team, hopefully this is the beginning of his end. All we need is for one person on the tribe to have an independant thought, and who knows what could happen?
    Oh, who I am fooling, that won't happen.

  16. Did anyone notice how excited Fancy Pants was after being mud-wrestled by the strong men? This blog site is fun--happy I found it.

  17. Quote Man & Sidonie, I agree completely!(Both are very astute.)

    Perhaps Colton's next gig should be Big Brother. Great place to be despised.

    P.S. Colette, I continue to come here for giggles & great writing. Thx!

  18. Just happy to not have to look at another bad boob job next week. Those things looked hard as rocks and what a separation between them!

  19. Monica is right: You ARE a goddess. ;-) Boring episode but great blog as usual. Don't know how you did it this week with so little to work with.

    I've been meaning to tell you how much I enjoy it when you use the quaint Gumpism, "best good friend". That and a 'Charmed' reference slipped in somewhere and I'm over the moon! But this week it was 'tunes in to Tokyo'. Right away I flashed back to 6th grade and Marc Montgomery chasing me around the playground at recess trying to tune into my Tokyo's.

    I have no clue how Colton has been able to rule two tribes. People are comparing him to Russell but Russell was never a leader. Russell was a back-alley, slithering snake. He never positioned himself to be in a leadership role as Colton has. Russell was a puppet-master behind the scenes. Colton is out there barking orders and deciding who should go home all the while drying his nails and trying to camouflage his man-boobs. There is no comparison between Russel and Colton in my opinion. And the only similarity is that they're both 'villains'. While I loathe Colton he's about the only interesting person on the island. I thought Sabrina was interesting for a few minutes but I don't anymore.

    I hate to admit it but I loved when Tarzan said, 'shant'. I mean.....SHANT! Who has ever uttered the word 'shant' at Tribal Council? Who would even utter it in general conversation?! "I shant say because the game is afoot." Love it!!!! I detected no pretension in anything Tarzan was saying. It just seems like the way the guy talks and I kinda dig it. I like Tarzan, I really do. Shoot me.

    I'm guessing it's Chelsea who gets hurt next week. I say that only because she seems like a mean stick-in-the-mud. Maybe she's bitter because she had to leave the game.

    Can't wait till next week, Colette!


    1. I shan't disagree with you, Tarzan was great at Tribal! And you're absolutely correct, it seems like this sort of language is totally him. Maybe he'll be able to keep himself in the game now that he has a new lodestar...

  20. That has got to be one of the worst votes ever. I hate to see the deserving people go. At this point, WINNING should be the deciding factor in a vote. Why worry about the merge if you're tribe is so weak that you might not even make it there anyway?

    I wanted to see more of Monica's strategic game. Oh well, that's survivor for you. I just hope somebody realizes that having a hidden immunity idol doesn't makre you invincible. Like you said, Lala, it protects you for one vote and that's it. I'm hoping someone can figure Colton out and oust him. I don't want to see a repeat of "Redemption Island" where everybody toppled over like dominoes and let Boston Rob have his way.

    Great blog post.

  21. I have found that the show is actually more fun, and more entertaining, watching it a second time, after reading your blog.

  22. Did anyone else hear Fancy Pants scream "help me!" in the last round?

    1. I heard him squealing, thought maybe it was something along the lines of "MAMA!" - good catch on that!

  23. Great recap, as always, Colette!

    Tarzan has nominal aphasia... So do I. I often can't remember names. I just didn't realize there was a "name" for not caring enough to make an effort. Nobody mentions how scary it would be to have him as your doctor. Can't you just see him coming into an exam room calling a person by the wrong name repeatedly? I wonder if he looks at all the bad boob implants and thinks he could have done better.

    I'm going to say this about Colton, as I said about Richard in Season 1 and many others throughout the seasons: If they don't vote him out now, they deserve to lose to him! Just hand him the million.

    I cannot remember who the woman is in the preview saying "I never thought this would happen" as a clue to the medevac. (Of course I have nominal aphasia - or I don't bother to remember until later in the game.) That would give a clue as to which tribe is involved. Please let it be Alicia going before her boobs explode!


    1. Excellent point about how the others need to vote off Fancy Pants sooner rather than later. I agree with you. If they want to continue being sheep, then they can be sheep together in the loser's circle.

  24. I agree that Fancy Pants is playing a good game. How he does it is anybody's guess. I suppose it helps to be playing with a bunch of idiots.

    Generally, I like Sabrina ... but Tarzan is really growing on me. (Ooh - that sounded icky! I didn't mean it quite that way.) The man is scary on many levels, and I sure don't want to have to share the same beach (or water hole, or swimming pool, or neighborhood park, or office space) with him, but as long as he is a little man stuck inside my television box, I can continue to root for him. The game is afoot!

    1. Did you notice the rear shot of the Speedo clad Tarzan bending over with his "junk" hanging down? That was the Survivor producers/editors getting even with Colette and the rest of us by making us sick, I personally spit up glitter!

  25. Colton on Big Brother would be great!

  26. I had a fit of the giggles throughout the whole blog! Great work Lala! Also, I noticed in your "thatsbobby" photo that Tarzan didn't wear any pants to Tribal Council. Only that makeshift knee brace thing. He's hilarious!

  27. Seeing how easily Colton was able to take control of his new tribe really impressed me. The real magic will be if Colton can crack the four girl alliance when the tribes merge. If he can do that he can win this game. Colton is a good villain and definitely entertaining.

  28. Another great blog by the Queen of Bitches. Another complicated uncomplicated episode of Survivor.

    I didn't like the producer intervention but accept it. I have no idea why it had to be extra punitive by making the already randomly sick tribe recreate a habitat and locate resources.

    We were previously excited about tales of the good ship HMS Vagina. I'm thinking the collective dimwits pulled it ashore at low tide and it floated away on the next high tide. It's mucous finish is glistening in the sunshine on a distant beach.

    Dear Colette, please avoid the word amazing. You can't avoid it when quoting Jugs or most anything else. I made it a drinking game and rarely last more than a few minutes. It's not hear a word and take a shot. It's hear it and start chugging, it's every other word. American Idol had me groggy until they hooked up with the new word, 'crazy'.

    Back to the show. FP has super powers. What are they? He's still worthless around camp and in challenges. His mastermind move this week was to....??? recruit Alice? The men, all from his former tribe, and getting blow jobs, had the numbers vote when the tribe was formed. Another reason to question how random the new tribes are. It's unlikely we'll find out how the 4-3 women advantage will play out on the other tribe.

    The changeover was too quick for any new alliances to form and get rid of the obvious illness with the idol. The show should have scrubbed that slate clean in the process too. It probably doesn't matter since I didn't hear it come up in conversation. Jonas sums it up, if it's not him he doesn't care and he's not playing. Neither is anyone else, or so it seems at this point.

    It will be a slog going forward. Kim found an idol that she doesn't need unless her girls flip for no reason.

    Not much to admire at this point. I already gave FP points for fooling the guys once. With the bar so low, that's a meaningless achievement.

    I'm an LPL fan for his heart and efforts. There was a whisper by Troyzan about God(s) in the game. Heck, a Pagan ritual might be entertaining. Let's hope for some drums in the next reward challenge.

    I feel your pain, but you have better drugs.

    1. You want to play the 'Amazing' drinking game - watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette - you won't make it 10 minutes until you leave the land of sober.

  29. I was really not going to add anything this time around, as Ms. Lala did her usual superb job of describing the happenings this week. Yes, you do smell a but coming!

    For Dave, and his comments:

    "Ignorance, inattentiveness, laziness, all pave the way for a psychopath to take control.."

    The same exact words perfectly describe the outcome of the November 2008 election as well.

    Never let it be said that I would ever consider letting a slow pitch, perfectly in the strike zone, go without whacking the shit out of it! Sometimes it's just too damned easy!

  30. I'm starting to like colton, he actually pretty good player (strategy wise...kind of like russel) and I can respect that. Kim is also a decent strategizer and so i like what shes doing as well (actually looking for an idol!) though i despise chelsea. i wish she would just quit about no personalty. what a waste.

  31. What an odd construction of dots. You lost me. Russel was a tad more precise. FP has only said he's playing both sides. Is that a thought or an obvious statement? The islanders don't need to hear what we hear to figure that out. It remains easy to toss two names into the fire with 5 willing to vote for anyone else if they don't hear their name on the list. What did Jugs gain by flipping? The guys didn't need her vote and why is she better off when she's identified as easy to get?

    Good for Kim bothering to look around. There is at least one reader here that will be annoyed by her feeling the need to share the find. Oddly enough, Kim chooses Ball Cap as her confidant. So, what is Kim's strategy as you see it? The women already had group immunity if they use solidarity and the gift of numbers. It would seem smarter to keep her mouth shut and her ears open. Then she could protect herself at tribal if she felt something to encourage playing it.

    A: Nothing is promised but the odds are in her team's favor not to be going to tribal.

    B: What is one reason the women wouldn't stick together and dump a guy if they had to vote?

  32. Colton reminds me of "Bruno" from the movie "Strangers on a Train".

  33. Colton reminds me of " Bruno" from the great Hitchcock movie " Strangers On A Train"

  34. Sir Heathcliff of Sparklebottom wrote to...March 19, 2012 at 12:21 PM

    Lady Jenny of Sparklebottom,
    Menabilly House,

    My dearest wife, I do hope the ship carrying this letter reaches the shores of England unmolested. The accursed pirates of these waters have become emboldened lately due to the infernal machinations of the wholly corrupt Governor of Monroeville Island. Forgive me darling, for I remember how much you dislike hearing details of the uglier aspects of life in the colonies, but I simply must evacuate my soul!

    No less than a beheading was I forced to watch! Indeed, I found myself in the invidious position of having to act as witness to the merciless decapitation of a surprisingly resilient and astute castaway by the name of Monica, by the order of that despicable dandy of a Governor.

    Yes my dear, 'twas a woman whose pretty head was lopped. How I wish I could ignore the need for diplomacy in this unstable region... it would give me great pleasure to introduce the Governor's pampered neck to the edge of my sabre! Even the usually unflappable Captain Dimples was disgusted by the order, and he rarely holds female castaways in high regard. In fact Captain Dimples rather forgot his station and made a clumsy attempt to direct the attentions of the Governor onto another castaway by the name of Tarzan (a curious name don't you agree? It has a certain je ne sais quoi. Perhaps I will use it in the novel I intend to write about life among these bloody savages).

    Ah but the duties of an Officer and a Gentleman in the far-flung corners of Empire are oft difficult to discharge. In my darker hours it is only the comfort of knowing that I shall return to your faithful embrace that fills me with the necessary fortitude. Which is why I was a tad dispirited to be informed by a crewman of the supply ship HMS Vagina that scuttlebutt is circulating in the taverns of Sparklebottom Towne to the effect that you have had relations with a local stable boy in my absence.

    I am aware that a gentleman never pays heed to rumour, and that as a Lady you would never associate with a commoner. However, loneliness can play the most devilish tricks with ones mind! My dearest, I must confess to a nagging Oprah Whisper of suspicion. I find myself continuously pondering that odd remark you made as I boarded the carriage on the day of our parting. Over and over I try to decipher exactly what you meant when, after observing the stable boy preparing the horses, you turned to me and said "Heathcliff, I'm going to fuck the stable boy while you're gone".

    I do hope the rumours are false darling, lest I become the laughing stock of Sparklebottom once again.

    Your faithful and loving husband,


  35. I was laughing my head off throughout this entire recap. It's so totally true! And you pointed out something that's been puzzling me from the beginning, why don't Salami just pretend they're not going to vote out Colton...and then just vote him out? An idol doesn't make you God! From what I remember, Ozzy was voted out because he didn't play an idol, yet for some reason Fancy Pants' tribe acts like they will be smited (smoted/smote/smoten??) if they even consider the thought.

    Simply - MAN UP JONAS.

  36. I just gotta say, THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD!

  37. I am not sure if this will even show up. I'm new to this forum. But, I have watched Survivor from the first season. I think these men are the worst sissies I have ever seen. They let this little weasle "Colton" lead them by their noses. ( im being nice )
    I was just about to give up on this season, but after Wed, I see Colton is gone. GOOD !!!
    I can't stand mr sissy pants.

  38. I had a fit of the giggles throughout the whole blog! Great work Lala! Also, I noticed in your "thatsbobby" photo that Tarzan didn't wear any pants to Tribal Council. Only that makeshift knee brace thing. He's hilarious!