Thursday, March 8, 2012

Take Your Broke Ass Home

Awake. Shake dreams from your hair my pretty child, my sweet one. Seriously, shake those dreams right out of your hair because you have no need for them. Dreams, pah! A dream is a wish a homeless person makes. You know what happens to a dream deferred? It marches its ass down to the unemployment office and gets itself a job. That's what! Sing with me, sing for the year, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears. Sing with me, just for today. Maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you to get a decent haircut and a sensible pair of khakis so you don't look like a complete tool when Ms. Studebaker interviews you for that file clerk position. The effort spent dreaming can be effort spent fine tuning your resume. Dreams are the tumbleweeds of the mind. Crispy and dry, floating, aimless. They gather dust and end up in the corners of abandoned ghost towns. Not amongst the lilies and waters fair. So let them go dear readers. Let them go from tightened clasps. They cannot be saved from this pitiless wave. We are not but a dream within a dream. We are lazy mole people, with no plan B, destined to live in the garbage pail of life. Oh well. Let's recap, shall we?

We continue our island tale in the thick of night with a lone panpipe as our soundtrack. Sad and desperate, it makes its pleas to the darkness. Little tinkles on the breeze. Hollow mocking tinkles. The moon hangs high in the distance and holds its breath. A breathless shell shocked moon. For it knows what comes. It knows what the morning brings. Yet it can do nothing but hang there and watch. The solemnity of the scene is broken suddenly with the sounds of Menudo (Manono). The boys are back from Tribal Council and all Michael can do is shake his head in disgust. His best good friend, Matthew J. Quinlan, Attorney At Law, has been sent back to night court to defend the street urchins terrorizing our city streets and now the Menudos are down one strong player. Tarzan (Greg) doesn't see it as losing a strong player. He sees it as strengthening the ties that bind and anyone threatening that bond needs to go back from whence they came. Flitter back to your bus stop ads Matthew J. Quinlan. Trundle away to your law offices and class action suits.

While we're talking about people hitting the high road, Tarzan has some very strong feelings about whom should be going home next. As a matter of fact, he has strong feelings on just about everything. You see, Tarzan is a guy who likes to stand for something. When a social injustice occurs, he stands up. When loyalties are breached, he Maya Angelou rises. It's often done with both feet firmly on the ground and one hand pointed to the sky as if to say, "I speak for the big man upstairs so listen up people." And so, speaking for the big man upstairs, Tarzan decides that Cosby (Bill) must be the next person to go home. Whimsical bouncy Cosby scares the vines out of Tarzan's hands for some reason and I'm struggling to figure out why. Cosby rides his own incense stick for crying out loud! With his trampoline walk and glassy eyes, Cosby is not here to be stealthy and calculating. He's here to play with finger trails and sample some local tie dye. Whatever the case may be with Cosby, Leif has had enough for one night as he climbs inside of a wooden box and fastens the lid tightly over himself. Is he undead or up for a game of hide and seek? *shrugs shoulders*

Night gives way to dawn as morning finds the women preparing a skillet of escargot. Hard working Monica feels like the tide has finally turned in the women's favor. They've got the S.S. Vagina, rice, coconuts, and snails. What more does an island dweller need? With the garlic lemon butter wafting on the wind and the tiny crostini warming on stolen embers, the men follow the inviting scent all the way into Camp Salami (Salani). Licking their chops and hiding their drool, the Menudos are prepared to make a deal. Let Jonas use the fishing net and he'll give the women half of what he catches. Chelsea lowers her baseball cap over her eyes while chomping on her lip, "I know I sound like a cold hearted bitch and I'm really not, but we can't be feeding our enemy." Oh Chelsea, don't be silly. A cold hearted bitch doesn't reject a perfectly ridiculous offer. A cold hearted bitch tells bloggers who make up silly stories about a highly edited tv show to go kill themselves. A cold hearted bitch is a joyless funsucker who thinks nothing of lounging lazily by the enemy's fire warming her tootsies without so much as a thank you yet turns her nose up at the first chance of payback. So unless you fit any of the previous descriptions, don't sell yourself short babe. Naturally, the men are annoyed and they stomp off in a huff. Call me crazy, but what's stopping them from making their own escargot? I've consulted with a professional fisherman, Google, and it appears as if snails live close to the sandy beaches. You don't need a vagina or a Vagina to catch them yourselves Menudo.

And this brings us to the Reward Challenge. For today's challenge, tribes will take turns using a slingshot to fire coconuts at a massive wall of targets. In order for the hit to count, the majority of the target must be decimated. The first tribe to knock out five targets in a row (horizontally, vertically, or diagonally) wins one of three prizes: Comfort, Protection, or Luxury. The men sit out Cosby and... Survivors ready, go.

Monica and Fancy Pants (Colton) are up first and someone in the background (Kat, I suspect) observes, "Two girls up." Now, I know Fancy Pants walks around with a Chinese fan in his hands and ruffles on his panties, but let's not call him a girl. We can call him a dandy or a fop. Maybe even Little Lord Fauntleroy, but not a girl. No girl would ever willingly wear an ill-fitting mint colored blouse into the jungle. And puh-lease, that haircut looked better on Ricky Schroeder back in 1982. In the end, neither Monica nor Fancy Pants scores and Tarzan and Sabrina are up next.

Tarzan connects and scores first while Sabrina only hints at nicking her target. That fuzzy headed lollipop Kat scores next while Troyzan (Troy) lobs a coconut gently skyward. Have you noticed that Troyzan isn't all that zan-y? Oh sure, he's zany, but he's not zan-y. If he keeps performing the way he is, I'll have to take back the -zan and demote him back to Troy. A -zan implies certain qualities. Hairiness, obviously, but also fearlessness and agility. Someone with more than a headband. Someone with presence.

So the game continues with Menudo scoring. Then Salami scoring. Then Menudo scoring. Back and forth, back and forth. Chelsea shoots at an unsuspecting monkey in a tree and I have to wonder if she thought that monkey was gossiping about her. Poor monkey. ChaCha (Christina) flashes us her chacha and good naturedly giggles it off while Jugs (Alicia) props a coconut between her jugs and takes out a much needed target. The women have gained some serious momentum and they only have one target left. It's low and taunting, but Monica has never met a challenge she didn't like. She prepares her nut, sets her eye on the prize, lowers herself down into the sand and... Kapow! WOMEN WIN REWARD!!! The women choose the Protection Reward which is a good choice because Prune Hands would shit a brick if it rained again and the men (rightfully) turned her away like she did them with that whole cold hearted bitch net thing.

*thunder claps*

Wait a tic. Do you see what I see? I know that jolly rancher Kat is doing a chicken dance right now, but look at that! *reaches under bed to grab bible* An upside down cross. *lights a stick of sage* A sign that evil is not far away. Like blood on the moon, like a broomstick falling, like a black cat taking a shit on your front porch or whatever. This can't be good. Other than crossing myself a thousand times and double checking my bail out bag (glitter, gin, ammo), I'm sort of at a loss for what to do here.

With a gnawing sense of foreboding in my loins, I trudged onward much like the women have in this game. They've managed to turn prunes into lemonade, ding-dongs into athletes, and monkeys into pelts (right Chelsea?). The mood at the Salami Homestead is one of merriment and rightly so. You've got to enjoy it while it lasts because you never know when that upside down cross is going to light up and unfurl it's evil. Over on the men's camp, the mood isn't quite so merry. Troyzan tries to blame their loss on not having enough time to learn the game. To which Cosby says that they all had the same amount of time. Jonas scoffs and calls the win a fluke while Troyzan mumbles, "Big deal. So they won a tarp. It's even now." Cosby is cool with owning up to the fact that the women kicked their asses. He didn't play so he's surely not to blame. Whatever. It was just a Reward Challenge. Onward and upward. Right, guys?

Well, onward and upward seems to be the plan with Cosby. Fully-bearded and all smiles, quirky Cosby won't let the women's win get him down. The men just need to win more challenges from here on out. No biggie. Leif nods and agrees. And man, wouldn't it be nice to find an Idol? It sure would man. They look to the trees blowing around them. It's that time of the day when everything is calm. It's not too hot, not too cold. They can take in the beauty of the island and be thankful for this rare opportunity they've been given. Leif says, "And when Fancy Pants wanted to vote you out, I didn't really want that." Cosby's eyes shoot open and his attention flings from the trees to the little man on his right, "Fancy Pants said that?!" Leif nods slowly. It was a little comment. A bonding between brothers. A natural evolution of the day. An innocent exchange under the shade of the trees. A secret to keep close, keep within, keep from...

"Leif and Cosby were talking, man!", cries Michael as he runs into the shelter to where Fancy Pants is lying in a state of repose. Fancy Pants seethes, "That little munchkin is about to get kicked back to Oz." *bites fist* Fancy Pants adjusts the robes around himself, claps for more grapes, and tells Micheal to bring Leif to him immediately. Michael bows in submission with his head in the sand and whispers, "Yes, Domina." Within seconds, Leif is placed at the feet of Fancy Pants with Michael gripping his arms behind his back and delivering wet willy after wet willy. Fancy Pants pops a grape into his mouth and asks, "Did you tell Cosby we were voting him out?" Leif tries to wriggle out of Michael's grasp and replies, "What? Cosby? Who?" Fancy Pants breathes in slowly and once again asks with ruby red eyes, "Did you tell Cosby we were voting him out?" Leif groans from the atomic wedgie Michael is giving him and says, "Well, I mean, I told him, not really, yes." Fancy Pants flicks his chin towards Michael and with that the offensive oompah loompah is dragged away to be placed in a burlap sack full of rabid rats. Fancy Pants exhales languidly and lies back on his chaise lounge. Michael should be back shortly. Perhaps he can squeeze in a handy before the challenge.

Speaking of challenges, this next one will have to do with solving puzzles. The girls ooh and ahh at the thought of puzzle solving. Like every other Survivor challenge ever hasn't had a puzzle to solve. Anyhow, the tree mail hints that they'll have to work in pairs. Mensa member Kat turns to Jugs and declares, "You can't solve puzzles! Wanna Starburst?" Jugs smooshes the Starburst in between Kat's eyes and replies, "I just solved that puzzle!" She points to the tree mail puzzle which was pretty much two pieces placed side by side. Oh but Jugs isn't done yet. "I'm the South Side puzzle champ! My blood bleeds lego pieces. My mother was a Rubik's Cube, goddammit. Did you know my middle name is Jenga? I know you're not calling me stupid right now. Yahtzee!" And then she banged on her chest and Scrabble tiles leaked out of her boobs. Talented girl, that Jugs.

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, you will be paired up and tied together. Each pair will race across a teeter totter and arrive at a puzzle. Once there, solve the puzzle, retrieve a key, and race back where another pair will then take off to another puzzle. Once all three puzzles have been solved and all three keys collected, one person will use the keys to open three locks and release a flag. First tribe to release their flag wins Immunity. The men will sit out Jonas. Survivors ready, go!

Leading the cavalry is Jugs & Prunes (Chelsea) and Tarzan & Fancy Pants. The women quickly reach their puzzle first and begin flipping wooden pieces back and forth. Jugs whispers, "This is nothing like Boggle" while Prunes worries that the pieces are judging her. She pulls her baseball cap down even farther hoping it'll keep away the prying eyes. In the meantime, the men have finished their puzzle and Jay & Michael are well on their way to the second.

Back at where the women stand, Prunes is cowering under the table while Jugs is trying to wrestle puzzle pieces out of her hands. Meanwhile, Jay & Michael have not only solved their second puzzle, but Troyzan & Cosby are now working on their third. On the sidelines, the awaiting women are perplexed and miffed. They yell for Jugs & Prunes to look at the men's puzzle to which a righteous Tarzan stands and proclaims, "CHEATER! CHEATER!" I think he wants Dimples to put a stop to it or something, but Dimples just giggles to himself and mocks the women (again) for being such dumb asses. Then we hear Jay. Seemingly innocent Jay, nothing special Jay. He mutters, "You guys suck, you know that?" Rowr.

Eventually Jugs & Prunes finish their puzzle and Kim & Sabrina race out in an attempt to catch up. Under Dimples' guidance, they look to the men's puzzle for answers. Again we hear, "CHEATER! CHEATER!" I told you earlier that guy always has to stand for something. Yesterday it was loyalty, today it's integrity, and tomorrow it'll be lobotomy, but I'm getting ahead of myself. And so, in what has to be one of the most embarrassing challenges to date, MEN WIN IMMUNITY!!!

Flip flop, swip swap, it's now the men's turn to be happy and bask in the afterglow of victory. They look to their Idol with pride, happy to have the little man back at home. Overcome with grooviness, Cosby does a jaunty jig around the Idol and thanks him for keeping him safe tonight. From his sanctuary, Fancy Pants peers out with a sneer and with a snap of his fingers Michael is painting his toes a shimmery coral.

Back at the women's camp, Prunes is insisting that the puzzle was much harder than it looked, but it is Jugs reaction to their loss in general that is rubbing everyone the wrong way. She laughed when she should have cried. She exhaled when she should have choked on it. Sabrina calls her "dead weight with a mouth" and it's not looking too great for Jugs at Tribal tonight. Kim, however, would like to see ChaCha cha cha her way home. The two ladies weigh the pros and cons of both Jugs and ChaCha, but I think they're focusing on the wrong gals. Obviously, I'm leaning towards Prunes - for oh so many reasons - but mainly because of her baseball cap. She has to lift her head up in order to peer out from under it and that drives me bat shit crazy. Who wears their hat like that?! Ne'er-do-wells, that's who.

Back at Menudo, that indentured servant Michael is once again on his knees in front of Fancy Pants. Now, I don't know what happened (blow job) to transform Michael from a guy who seemed to stand on his own two feet into this mushy play-doh slave boy we see right now (really really good blow job), but I'm getting a little tired of him reporting every indiscretion at the foot of Fancy Pants' bed. What happened to young buff Michael? Donkey punch. What happened to the Michael with a purpose? Lemon squeeze. Oh well, I'll solve that problem later. For now, Cosby wants to chat with Her Majesty. He wants to just, you know, square things up, let bygones be bygones, leave the past in the...
"Get away from me! I don't like you! Don't touch me! I'm telling!"

Jay stares at the ground in silence while his friend Cosby is being very publicly humiliated by a guy in Keds. Meanwhile, Michael is making sand art with his fingers and quietly singing, "La la la la la." What in the sam hell is going on here? You guys used to be friends! Jay, Michael - Cosby is your buddy. He was in your alliance. Fancy Pants has an Idol not a Go Straight To The Finale pass. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you people? Where's the loyalty? So you lost Matt... big deal! Do you have any idea how easy it would be for you guys to recruit Leif? I'm sorry, but you are no longer allowed to call yourself men anymore. You're snowpeas or raisinettes (no wait, that's Kat) or mung beans. Yeah, mung beans. I have no idea what those are, but today... they're YOU.

So while the mung beans hide their heads in the sand, Cosby does what any decent person would do in this situation. He calls Fancy Pants a stuck up brat. You go Cosby! It's about time someone put that puffy macaroon in his place. I'm willing to bet that for the 5 or 6 days they've been out there, Cosby has had to endure all sorts of looks and snide comments from Fancy Pants. A person can only put up with behavior like that for so long. Sometimes, you just have to blow your top and get everything off of your chest. There always comes a time when biting your tongue just doesn't work anymore. Cosby wasn't being black. He wasn't being ghetto. And he certainly wasn't being trashy. He was being a man. Better yet, he was being a human. How the other players sit back and let the Blood Countess flop around all day reprimanding people and dictating orders is beyond me.

This Elizabeth Bathory of the Survivor world has to be stopped because now he's calling for the head of Cosby on a platter and I'm inclined to believe him. Were he only a Dorian Gray we could all go hunting for the portrait and destroy it ourselves, but alas, I fear he is far more dangerous than that. So dangerous in fact that he wants to scooch that little Immunity Idol over to the women's side and pretend he's never laid eyes on it. You say, "Fiddlesticks!" I say, "Cockamamie!" Do you want to know what Menudo says? They say, collectively mind you, "Oh sure, that sounds like a grand idea. Let's go to Tribal Council!" And off they skip into the awaiting arms of this man...

Dimples stares weirdly at the weird weirdness before him and we know we're in for some super evil Dimples 2.0 magic. "Twenty. Four. Seasons," he begins. "400 Tribal Councils and NEVER has a tribe arrived at Tribal Council after winning." Tread lightly Dimples. If you piss off Fancy Pants too much, he'll be bathing in your blood next.

Troyzan tries to explain how the men came together and agreed to give Immunity to the girls, but to look around at the men, shaking in their little booties, it's pretty clear that everyone has now realized what a mistake this was. Has the spell worn off fellas? Does reality look a little sharper by the light of the campfire? Oh well, too late.

Attention turns to Leif as Dimples asks him if he indeed told Cosby that he was the next to go. Stoic stout Leif nods and replies in the affirmative and I feel for the guy. I really do. He was just making a new friend in Cosby. He wasn't planning or plotting anything deceptive. He just wanted his new friend to know that his name had come up in conversation. Far worse sins of indiscretion have been committed on Survivor soil. I can't wrap my head around why this one in particular is so egregious. In the moment it was purely a "friend" thing. With a guy like Leif, who's probably a genuinely nice man, his brain isn't wired to think of everything around him as strategy. Sometimes you just want to shoot the shit and not have it come back to haunt you.

Dimples then turns to Fancy Pants, "Fancy Pants, when did this idea come into fruition?" "I'm the type of person that if I don't like you, I'm not gonna talk to you. Like, leave me alone." *sigh* That's not what he asked you! Dimples tries again, "Who don't you like in this game?" Fancy Pants stands on his log and chants, "C-O-S-B-Y what does that spell? COSBY!!! Yay! I hate him. "

Dimples continues, "OK and why don't you like Cosby?" Fancy Pants replies, "He's a struggling stand-up comic. Like, get a real job!"


Did you hear that everyone? Put down your paint brushes, artists. Tuck away those stanzas, poets. Musicians, throw your guitars on the bonfire. Hurry now. Colton Cumbie of Monroeville, Alabama is offended by you if you struggle for your art. How dare you take up precious space inventing and creating when instead you can sit around like a bloated easter egg filing your nails.

Cosby reacts much more calmly than I ever would when he says that perhaps the differences in their upbringings are the root of the problem. Cosby has been on his own since the age of 17 yet he always has a smile on his face. He sleeps on friends couches between gigs and still his energy is always light and effervescent. Then we have Fancy Pants. He went to an all white private school, lived a privileged lifestyle, calls his housekeeper his one and only black friend, and sits around in judgment of everyone around him. It's Pretty In Pink. Cosby is Ducky and Colton is Stef. But you know who was the happy one in Pretty In Pink? Ducky. Stef was miserable hating everything and everyone including himself and I think you'll find that Mr. Cumbie is a similar fountain of insecurity bubbling over with sociopathy, narcissism, and an urge to cut lines into his milky thighs when no one is watching.

Reaching his boiling point, Cosby's dam bursts and he lays into Fancy Pants. I, for one, dug it. It was a wave your lighter moment where "Don't you dare judge me!" and "I work with people and for no one!" are probably one their way to being new Lady Gaga songs. In response, all Fancy Pants could do was watch and wait while his skull ate his eyeballs. When your only reaction is an eye roll, I think it's safe to say that the point doesn't go to you. Cosby - 1, Fancy Pants - 0

Fancy Pants continues on a hate filled rant where I think he pissed off everyone in the South, gays, straights, people who drive trucks, people without college degrees, and people who live in trailers. I'm sure I've excluded a group or two so let's just say that Fancy Pants hates everyone. It's so much easier that way. So while this is all going on, Tarzan's hand slowly lifts. Oh god, he's ready to stand up for something again. This time it's race relations. He's sick of it. Sick of it! We have a black man in the White House so racism no longer exists. Frankly, Tarzan, I don't give a rat's ass about your take on social platitudes. I'm more disgusted by how you, and everyone else, can sit there and let Fancy Pants denigrate Cosby like he has. Each and every one of you should be horrified by the things he said. Not only that, you should band together and vote out Fancy Pants. If he uses his Idol, fine. At least he won't have it anymore and you can dig your penises out of wherever you've hidden them.

Alright, enough of this. It'll take a year to wash away the ickiness. No glittered boobages this week. Instead we get to say goodbye to Cosby who is the fourth person voted out of Survivor: One World. I'm not sure what happened out there Cosby, but you handled him as best you could. Keep on dreaming buddy and never give up. Best of luck to you.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? What the hell happened to Michael and Jay? How did Fancy Pants get so much power? Are Leif's days numbered? More importantly, is he a vampire? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

If you're trying to friend me on Facebook, please click on my link at the right hand side of the page. There's a faux me out there so make sure you DO NOT friend the Colette Lala who went to the "School Of Life". That's not me.

Again, all Survivor photos were blatantly and unapologetically stolen from the Survivor Seasons Facebook Group. One stop shopping over there. Five finger discount.


  1. I am still amazed at last nights show, I dont know if it was blow jobs that made the men follow Richie Rich to the dumbest move ever in the game. Maybe I don't want to believe that, he is just so utterly repulsive even as a glory hole. I know men get backed up when they have no outlet and don't relieve themselves privately, they go into a fugue-like state. Maybe it's that, please let it be that as to why they became lambs to a slaughter. He must be under police protection at this point, the apologies will be flowing like shit from Rush's mouth. Nice write up this week, spot on.

  2. Holy crap. Holy. Crap. I’ve never seen anything so absolutely moronic , ever, ever, ever.
    Who in their right mind gives up immunity? Seriously, you couldn’t just wait it out for three more days, throw a challenge if you feel you must, and then go to Tribal? Bill was not that bad – really. And the little guy Leif meant no harm, you could tell he knew he screwed up as soon as the words were out of his mouth. Leave him alone, no need to castrate the poor little dude.
    Fancy Pants Version 2.0 – I’m shocked at the boundless amount of close-minded elitism you feel is completely appropriate. Listen up, you snot-nosed fag, you are not better than anyone else walking on this planet. You’re actually way worse since you feel it’s suitable to snub people that are ‘inferior’ to you, and actually have the nerve to verbalize those feelings. I, for one, think it would be completely fitting for one of those “rebel flagged red necked Alabamians” to kick your fudge packing ass for you. And to think, as of last week, I actually liked you.
    As for the rest of you men – what the hell is your deal? You can’t see the pure evil sitting right in your midst? You sit calmly by and watch FP just about rolling his eyeballs straight outta his head whenever anybody talks, and you do nothing? You sit calmly by and let him blatantly spew his KKK sermonette, and you do nothing? You sit calmly and let him sneer on someone’s profession that doesn’t meet his country club ideals, and still do nothing? Would someone please grow a set of testes and revolt? Wise up, by doing nothing, you are condoning his beliefs – and a slack-jawed half-assed look of disbelief is not classified as a reaction either. At this point, I hope the women completely annihilate you idiots.
    Food for thought peeps – FP got away with all sorts of racial slurs, called Leif a Munchkin, Oompa Loompa, and stated he would kick him back to Oz. And, apparently black people are perfectly acceptable as long as they remember their station in life as your employee. CBS thought it was okay to broadcast all this. What if it was the other way around and someone on the tribe was calling Colton a faggot, queer bait, chocolate cherry popper, cornhole licker – shit, I could go on all day. Point being, CBS would not have aired that for fear of the reprisals from the gay community. Gimme a ‘Oh Hell Yes’ if you agree. .
    *Disclaimer…* I seriously have never had a problem with alternate life style folks, just trying to throw some insults in FP’s direction so he can see how it feels, the asshole.
    Oh, and….Hey, Fairplay, you are no longer the biggest, baddest mofo to ever play this game.
    Thanks for the awesome recap Lala!!

  3. I was in absolute disbelief and had to stop my DVR to take a breath. I have never seen any group of men so stupid and so punked. I was rooting for the men's team becuase the women were being irrational in not wanting to pool resources. However, these guys are lame. The obvious move would have been for some dude to get the balls to blind side Colton. I believe these sorry men have never dealt with cattiness, so they're clueless in dealing with Colton who queen of all things catty and drama. However, the women will destroy that man when they get the chance . . . I can't wait to see that. Also, nice write up.

  4. Great recap, as always. This blog is the best part of every Thursday.

    I can't figure out what's happening with the men either. It's like Fancy Pants out-maneuvered them one time, even though he himself did nothing except cry a lot and be GIVEN an idol (so much for his Republican stance of not taking handouts), and so they now think he's a super-genius mastermind.

    It's also interesting that in the absence of women, the man who acts the most like a girl (albeit a 14-year-old one) is the one they are all trying to please. I kind of want to see both him and Jugs stick around just so we can witness a Mean Girls showdown.

    1. Oh wow--mean girl showdown between Jugs and Hilly Holbrook would be epic, indeed!

      ...not sure if i can actually watch Hilly much longer. (jk--I will be riveted to the TV, waiting for come-up-ance.)

  5. as always, perfectly said....i now have a new password..."puffy macaroon" thanks for that!
    i was not a fan of cosby, but i thought he handled himself with dignity and grace...and i feel bad that he is gone....fancy pants is a troll who needs to be stopped immediately...and tarzan is an idiot, who also needs to go.
    thanks for the great read

  6. Lala...wonderous recap! As I watched that last night...I was already anticipating your blog today.

    Fancy Pants reaches new lows each week. Cosby took the high road at each tribal council. And I applaud his attempt to have a man to man with Fancy Pants as he was honestly bewildered as to what had offended Fancy Pants so much only to be told to talk to the hand. At tribal I thought he did well to keep his temper in check as Fancy Pants said one disgusting thing after another. And his exit line was again taking the high road. I would like to see Cosby again on a future Survivor as he got hosed this go around by the evil queen.

    I don't understand how he went from being a whiny pansy sucking up to the women to being this all powerful queen...Something got left on the cutting room floor in editing.

    Tarzan has repeatedly come to Fancy Pants defense and in a way that makes me feel as if there is more to it than just an alliance. Making a generalization here but Tarzan wears speedo type undergarments and proudly danced around in it by the fire. I don't know many straight men that would do that and shake their junk in another mans face to boot. So maybe Tarzan is Fancy Pants sugar daddy?

    1. You blessed me with a new am proudly using it. :)

    2. The image of Tarzan as anyone's sugar daddy is making my head hurt! LMFAO!!

  7. @Tina OH - HELL - YES!!!!!!!

  8. More about Colton and Bill in a second: but as to whether it's uniquely stupid to give up immunity, remember that awful tribe of stiffs and idiots a couple years ago (Steve, Julie, Mike, etc.) that purposely lost the challenge because they couldn't wait to vote Russell out. That's the same thing, in effect, as giving up immunity after you win the challenge. That tribe fell apart after they did that - let's home the same thing happens to this heinous bunch of cowardly, dickless losers on the "men's" tribe.

    Now, having said that, Bill turned in one of the most impressive performances seen in Survivor history. He handled that extreme amount of disgusting bigotry with grace, dignity, and poise - I think most of us would not have handled it anywhere near that well. I, for one, would have wanted to smash Colton's face in with my fists multiple times. I didn't really like Bill up to this point, but now I have huge respect for him.

    As for Colton: he's obviously one of the most repellent people ever to trapse across the screen. I'm sure a lot of it is insecurity - growing up gay in Alabama, etc - but that piece of crap deserves no excuses. Having him lecture Bill on the need to get a job - while Colton does nothing but mooch off his rich parents and have everything handed to him - was one of the more extreme acts of gross hypocrisy you'll see. But hypocrisy is the least of Colton's sins: he's just a heinous person, an embarrassment to gay men, and a prime example of how someone becomes rotten when their parents spoil them.

    As for the "men" who stood by silently while this atrocity happened (or, worse, as for Tarzan who defended Colton): that's what makes Survivor so interesting. For whatever reason, they got convinced that Colton had power. It shows that power is a state of mind more than anything else.

    Human beings in those situations quickly devolve to their base instincts. All they care about is survival: their own self-interest. So no matter how irrational and pathetic it is, they quake in fear before the person they think can hurt them (Colton), sacrificing everything along the way including their own dignity, all in the hopes of staying alive and safe for a bit longer (note how Jonas, in the preview, said: "I'll happily be Colton's bitch of whatever else he wants me to be").

    It's actually a vivid - and scary - lesson in how human beings so easily submit to and follow power and evil.

    1. Amen - aside from being totally shocked at the blantant excerpts straight from "The Idiots Guide to the KKK" from Colton, I was more dissapointed in the men's failure to respond to this ugliness. I was yelling at my TV like fool for just one of the nutless wonders to stand up and throw Colton's name out. Let him burn the idol and go after him next time. I understand your comment about survival and self interest, but don't they realize that getting rid of Colton would serve everyone's best interest???

  9. One other time during this episode when Colton was lecturing Leif about if he lied to him one more time then he would be voted out, all I kept thinking was he should have responded with something along the lines of
    "Who the F are you talking to, who made you the boss, I don't have to be careful of anything" Of course, at this very moment I was wanting to punch that kid in the face but everyone is right, when are these idiots going to vote this guy off? All of these guys are terrible at strategy, I actually wondered what Russell or Boston Rob would think about these novices.

  10. Why would Bill and Leif agree with their tribe to go to the tribal council? Surely, they realized it would be one or another of them going home. I mean - even if one member of the tribe (let's say, Leif, since they pretended they wanted to vote him off that night) was against giving away immunity, then it wouldn't go through. Yet apparently both Leif and Bill agreed to it. Their tribe was moronic, but they - doubly so, just for that.
    As for Colton - wouldn't it be fun if next episode he goes hom, with his idol in his pocket? Wishful thinking, I know, but it's fun to imagine that :)

  11. Watch Colton in the deleted scene talking about how the Idol gives him power (video at the bottom of the page) - he's a smart, conniving little bitch -

    Also read this awesome interview with Bill, talking about Colton - the reason he said he agreed to go to Tribal is because he thought he could convice the others to blind-side Colton, and he tried:

    1. maybe Bill did try to convince others to blind-side Colton (although none of it is shown during the episode), yet he himself voted for Leif (it is clearly shown during voting part) - isn't it strange?

    2. I think by that point he knew that they weren't going to join him in voting out Colton, and they led him to believe they were going to vote out Lief, so he went with what he thought was the plan.

  12. Ditto to every comment on here so far.
    It sure is a mystery how FP gained so much control.
    Michael fetching Lief for FP instead of telling him to do his own bidding.
    Leif scurrying over to FP and allowing himself to be grilled by FP about what he said to Bill. Then the silence as FP not once, but TWICE insults Bill. No one stepped up for the sake of decency. I for one, was appalled.

    Have they lost their minds? Is there some worm that's crawled through their ears into their skulls and is now eating away at their gray matter?
    Who is even left to pull for?

  13. Everyone is so right on here. Loved "bloated Easter egg" and the whole paragraph about the cold hearted bitch.

    Also, I laughed out loud when I saw Leif closing the lid of his sleeping box. What the heck? That was funny. I also laughed when Leif was celebrating the immunity win on top of the log and someone came over and picked him up.

    I am at a loss much like most of you are about why Colton suddenly has so much power. I would love to see him get blind sided. I wonder what this surprise is next week. I was thinking it might be a tribe mix up, no more men vs. women?

    Great recap. Like I have said before, it's strange how sad I get reading it, cause I know every paragraph I finish, is one closer to the end. It's like a drug.

  14. Just. Wow.

    Ok, this is one instance where a straight up, unvarnished synopsis of the episode would still have provided more than enough fantastic laughter for us Ms Lala. The fact that Colton is from Monroeville, of all places, is just a constantly paying off source of amusement for me. After the first episode I had a vision of Gregory Peck gently chiding Colton. After the second episode, I had a vision of a stern faced Gregory delivering a no-nonsense lecture to Colton, while the narcissistic cherub cleaned his nails. But then, after the third episode, I swear I actually heard Gregory raise his voice! Astonishing!
    Oh, but now... now I have a vision of Gregory suddenly grabbing Colton and forcing him over his knee! He's giving Colton a bloody good thrashing! He's genuinely flustered is our Greg! His glasses are slipping down his nose! His face is red as he hollers at a squealing Colton in a hopelessly futile attempt to impart the concept of empathy into the pudgy, solipsistic little brat! Oh, boy!

    Well, it looks like there might be a tribe mix-up a-comin'. It is my dream for Colton and Alicia to end up on the same tribe next week - I can really see some sparks flying between those two.

    Yes ma'am, I have a dream. I have a dream that one day on the red sands of Samoa a fiery, big breasted Special Ed teacher from Chicago and a private school educated, country club member from Alabama will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood and rip each other's hair out.


  15. As a white gay man in Alabama (but NOT a Republican, thanks be to God!), my feelings during the show bounced back and forth between mortifying embarrassment and murderous rage. That small-minded little boy made a fool of himself, and brought shame on just about everyone that shares any one of his defining traits. And especially his poor momma. I can only hope that his family have now realized exactly what they have created, and put his ass out into the world without a trust fund or a country club membership so that he can see what life is really like. Of course, having an intimate knowledge of southern Republicans and their overwhelming capacity for self-delusion, I doubt that anything has changed substantially in his life since the show was filmed. But after last night, I feel confident that his life has taken an irreversible course into difficult waters. And he really only has himself to blame.

  16. I have been a Survivor fan for years now, and have seen many surprising moments; but rarely moments of the jaw-dropping, speechless, utter disbelief variety. Last night's episode was one of those moments.

    I am still dumbfounded as to why any tribe would ever VOLUNTEER to go to tribal council! Sure, there have been a couple of instances of tanking challenges on this show, but nothing quite like this. And what exactly caused the "Menudos" to make this sabotaging move? Little Leif...when he sorta, kinda, indefinitely, told Cosby that Fancy Pants wanted him gone the day before. Really? That's a good enough reason to, I repeat, VOLUNTEER to go to tribal council? I guess that Survivor: One World is officially relocating from a South Pacific beach to the nearest asylum.

    What the hell happened to the men? At first, Fancy Pants is a reject to both tribes, and then Sabrina GIVES HIM the hidden idol, and suddenly, just like that, the men worship the Almighty Sassybob FancyPants!?! I know that having a hidden idol provides considerable power in this game, but good grief!

    Good for Cosby, in standing up for himself. Bad for the rest of the men, for being impetuous fools, and for treating Fancy Pants like a demigod. With all hope, they all realize just how stupid this move was, how it accomplished nothing, just how heinous of a person Fancy/Fat/Racist/Spoiled/Shitty Pants is, and that they should relocate their missing gonads, and kick his arrogant ass out of there, pronto.

    Nonetheless, being off of my soapbox now, I can say that last night's episode and its "wow moment" were priceless--as is this blog. Keep up the good work Lala!


    1. getting rid of colton would be as pointless as it was to get rid of cosby last night. hes still part of the misfit alliance. this is all strategically speaking...i dont necessarily like colton either.

      ...and yes great blog c.lala

  17. Another confusing episode on Heathen Island. Glad to notice that Lala spotted the symbol of the inverted cross. I'm suspicious it's a CBS conspiracy. How is it possible to let the ultimate Alienator into the game? He offended everyone possible including the LGBT community.

    First time ever made less sense than Dimple's smirking when Tarzan asked to see the rest of the votes at last tribal when Matt was sent home. It was never possible for the opposite tribe to deliver the idol to the opposition. A counterpunch for the earlier first when the gals finding an idol meant they had to give it to the men. I guess this evens things out.

    I really thought the dumb idea was going to vanish in a commercial break when Tarzan said it had to be a 100% agreement to do it. I'm not buying the story that Cosby would agree hoping to get the others to blindside FP. Same with Little Person Leif. He's a guy I could root for but he sucks at the game. He abstains, they don't go to tribal, crack open another coconut and let's go fishin. Or Troyzan, who was also reluctant, or any of the other musclehead alliance. If they are united to do this stupid thing, why were they going at all? Totally irrational, especially when remembering they got crushed in the nut slinging reward challenge. Let's not forget how they wouldn't even finish the competition when Broken Arm left the field of play.

    Tarzan fueled the early flames with the honor and betrayal reason. LPL took that like a man, or joined the mental midgets for reasons still unknown to me.

    They've been playing a twisted merged game already and it's One World of NitWits and One Creature without a World at all..

    Perhaps the men did spend some time on the SS Vagina. That wasn't teak oil protecting the wood, it was vagina juice, easily absorbed by the skin.

    I'm a little saddened to know that Lala is still wasting ink on Ball Cap. You won that contest, Queen Bitch (the highest term of endearment in this blog), let it go. Girlfriend was also half of the Jugs can't solve a puzzle team. Must have been the boobs fault again.

    We like eccentric islanders. Let's take up a collection and bribe Jugs to sneak over and suffocate the Easter Egg with her boobs. Or, since anything goes, someone steals the once hiddne immunity idol and destroys it.

  18. I can't stand Colton. He is way beyond gay, I don't hate him for that. He is so dandy,foppishly girly. He makes me sick to my stomach to see him. I will be so glad when the men wake up and get rid of him. I hate him as bad as Parvoti, same user as she was.

  19. i am in NO way defending the spineless jellyfish of the "muscle alliance" and for the life of me i cant understand how they all went blindly to the slaughter of tribal council.....but maybe, just maybe they are still a bit rattled by Matts going home....what we need to realize as viewers, a week has passed, weve gone on with our lives for a week...and in "survivor time" ONLY 3 days have passed....miserable, lack of sleep, lack of privacy, lack of food, lack of bathroom, lack of internet, tv, phone, family, work...get my they were a little bamboozled by their first tribal and the upset of the misfits aligning and them being picked off by the Lambda Lambda Lambda's ...this week (3 days later)they were all trying to stay out of the cross doesnt make it right, they should have stood up for Bill, but i dont think they were in their right minds...survivor is a mindf*ck. us playing monday morning quarterback, see the right thing to do as them not so much....

    i know there are many "survivor alum" that read this i on the right track? i would love to hear some of y'alls insight.

  20. It would have been nice of them to stand up for cosby but there really isn't any reason for them to try to get rid of colton. sure he says really stupid shit but hey as long as hes a loyal member of the alliance and you can trust him then hes just as good an ally as anyone else, if not better. unlikable people never win when it comes down to jury votes. plus he creates

  21. Great blog as usual, Colette. Look forward to it every week.

    Sabrina gave Colton the idol because it came attached to a note that said, "Whoever finds this idol has to give it to a member of the other tribe." Sabrina found it.(To the person who asked, above me).

    I thought the editing of last night's show was awful. I kept wondering if I was falling asleep and missing stuff but I checked and I wasn't.

    I agree with most of what's already been said. I thought it was interesting the way Colton reacted when Bill approached him in the spirit of airing things out. He couldn't look at Bill, he was trying to avoid Bill, he was sputtering and stuttering like a little kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. THAT is Colton. Not some evil queen. Narrow-minded, small-town, sheltered, immature Colton. THAT is who the despicable men's tribe is bowing down to right now. Matt left a power vacuum, somehow Colton filled it. It's as much the men's fault as it is Colton's. If they banded together they could at least flush the idol out of Colton, leaving him defenseless. Maybe one of them will stand up and grow some nuts but after GOING TO TRIBAL COUNCIL WHEN THEY HAD IMMUNITY I fear for this nut-less tribe. They're liable to get sucked up into the women's tribe at merge and get picked off one by one. I think it's going to take a gal to get rid of Colton, I really do. Not that I'm saying the women's tribe is so great. They're just not as pathetic this week as the men's tribe.

    And I read someone mention this above but didn't the men all stand around in a circle, after Tarzan gave Leif his dressing down, and agree to give up immunity so they could vote out Leif? I mean, that WAS the plan, right? That's how it showed on my tv but at some point I guess there was a switcharoo and Bill became the target. Colton got his wish but why the whole you-must-be-punished speech to Leif?

    Comparing Johnny Fairplay to Colton is interesting. I guess we all know by now that Fairplay is, in real life, a giant douche and that Dimples refuses to even be in the same room as him. Lala, you're depiction of Colton is right I think. He's the kid everyone picked on in school. I'll bet my left tit he was bullied mercilessly. Yes, he has stupid hair. Yes, those are man-boobs you see jiggling around beneath his mint-green blouse (you could have called HIM 'Jugs') but the gay thing is just too easy. Yes, he's gay. Maybe that's at the root of his obvious deep psycholgical issues, who knows? He was probably Fancy Pants growing up and got picked on. But he shouldn't be singled out for that. It's just part of who he is, along with his inherent meanness. He's sad. He's out of his fluffy, "I'm the life of the party", I'm here I'm queer get used to it, whites-only comfort zone and the REAL Colton is coming out. I'm sure it's someone his family and friends (including his black maid) back home in Alabammy have never met. I stuck up for him last week during the whole 'ghetto trash' brou-ha-ha but I think we've all seen who Colton really is. 'Evil Queen' is funny in the confines of a Survivor: One World context but evil? No. He's been a great villain. Someone you love to hate. But it's just philosophical nonsense where race and homosexuality are concerned because it's about neither. It's just Survivor! A reality show. Colton's just a giant, scared, intimidated tool. Again, I ask you to remember how he tried to run away from Bill---his arch enemy---when affable Bill gently confronted him. Colton's a jellyfish, not a shark.

    And since I still don't know how to put my name to this thing, I may be Anonymous but my real name is Jen.

    1. Hi Jen...putting ur name is very simple

      1) Click on Select profile
      2) then Click on Name/URL
      3) then write ur Name on the Name line, u can leave the URL line empty

      and thats it...very easy...good luck...☺...

  22. The first alliance has always been to the tribe. Especially prior to the merge. Anon 5:52 has a weak point in the group head trauma. There is no reason to eliminate one of the tribe even if there are dueling alliances within it. It's obvious now that there is no solid alliance. When was Fancy Pants ever loyal to anything, or even suggest he might be?

    The rest of the tribe should have conspired against him just for suggesting they should give up one of the tribe instead of letting the girls give up one of theirs. Simple, everyone says, Yeah Butterball, rah rah rah, Cosby goes tonight. Then vote off the princess with the idol in his pocket. They didn't even do a split vote to test his Smugness. Only votes for Cosby and FP could have changed the vibe and power would have turned into paranoia. They all need to know they should force him to play the idol instead of worrying about a target on their own back. It's way too early to let anyone ride in safety. Certainly not this fine fellow.

    I'll say it's the dumbest move ever to go to tribal when they didn't have to. If anyone has a good reason why they should have, I would love to hear it.

    1. I'd totally agree that it was the stupidest move **ever** for any tribe. In fact, I think this is just one tiny step away from voluntarily leaving (quitting!) the world's greatest game (which is the stupidest move ever for an individual player).

      ...But there is one person who could logically benefit from this move.

      Fancy Pants has ZERO relationships built in the men's tribe--and apparently he has zero desire to do so. He's just counting the days until he can join the girls. True, the girls get annoyed by him too--but it's logical for him to believe that he'd be better off at the merge with the greatest number of women (and least number of men) possible.

      ....But of course, everyone watching at home can see that FP will never, ever win this game. Even if he makes some truly mastermind moves, he will never win. And besides, he's really not even much of a strategic player. If he was, he'd make just the tiniest attempt at getting along with the rest of the boys--or even just one of them.

  23. after 4 episodes of thoughtful analysis, I can honestly say that the men's team is composed of a diverse, socio-economic-tolerant-diverse tribe answerable to one all-knowing debutante. and by "diverse, socio-economic-tolerant-diverse tribe answerable to one all-knowing debutante", I mean "fucking morons".

  24. One of your best ever, Lala! And I LoVeD the hidden reference to Whitney!! **giggles** Raises glass!

    I'm also loving Dimples2.0. The evil glint in his eye is SUCH a turn-on!! (Takes him from boy next door to...boy somewhere else. Am I right?) But I have to say I was a little bummed Dimples stopped short of asking Hilly Holbrook if the beloved housekeeper was allowed to use the bathroom. ...And that thought leads me to wonder if ChaCha's special cooking skills might also include a good chocolate pie??

    It's going to be painful to keep watching this ass-hat. But it will be worth it if/when it comes to an awesome showdown. A tiny part of me thinks an entire season of that bigot of an Easter Egg could actually be worth watching just to see Eggboy/Hilly sitting in the Final 3 and getting grilled by every single person left. (Well, everyone except for maybe Tarzan.)

    Keep the Chelsea slams coming. Nothing like playing the most awesome GAME in the world and then being a spoil sport. Keep the faith, bitch!!

  25. I love it that Leif is a phlebotomist, who sleeps in a coffin-like box. If he would've crawled in there at sunrise, instead of at night, I would be sporting a garlic necklace if I were on the island.

    That reward challenge really highlighted the brain trust that is our cast this season. Kat taunting, "You like that? Smell that?" WTF!? Was she alluding to Christina's cha cha? Then Tarzan cheering on his teammate, "Jason". Too bad his name is Jonas. Again, WTF!? You live with this guy, he is in your alliance, and you don't know his name? Jeezy Chreezy.

    As far as Fancy Pants is concerned, I used to like him. I thought at least he brought the drama, but this time he brought the DRAMA. Ugh. I was thinking exactly what you wrote. Who didn't he offend with his ignorant hate spewing rant? I think he might be playing it up so after he gets voted off, production will ask him back for the next stupid-ass All-Stars-Hero-Vs-Villian-Excuse-To-Bring-Back-a-Hantz season.

    1. With all the Fancy Pants excitment, I completely forgot about Tarzan brain fart during the challenge!! Thanks for the reminder, cause that was priceless!!! WTG Jason!!

  26. "when Ms. Studebaker interviews you for that file clerk position": Colette, your ability to paint a picture of the mayhem is unmatched, I am still laughing visualizing Ms. Studebaker. Thanks for the good work of keeping "Gonzo Journalism" alive.

    A couple of thoughts on the tribes(?):

    1. Someone has spiked their drinking water with some type of hallucinagen.

    2. Colton can't possibly be that "girly", its an act.

    3. CBS has a big problem with the racist remarks and it looks like Colton will soon be gone, they can manipulate the game any way they want.

    4. The CBS pre-testing of the contestants has produced the lowest level of "street smarts" in Survivor history, if the ratings go up because of this, watch out next season.

    Hopefully this will turn around so we can get the "glittered boobages" back!

  27. I have a theory about what's wrong with the mens team. It has to be "Stockholm Syndrome", that odd malady where people in captivity end up identifying with their captors, and actually assist them.

  28. 2. Colton can't possibly be that "girly", its an act.

    He's an insult to gay men and any woman. A complicated, universal bigot performing as any reality star would for extra attention. The cartoon character found on any reality show. A politician could blame it on his staff. He's on his own island.

    The only believable part is his bigotry. It's somewhat tragic watching someone create their own (more) difficult future life.

    It's not sad, it's a self inflicted wound of incredible ignorance and bravado.

  29. Colton is going to alienate himself from all of America if he continues playing the game the same way he has. He will become the worst villain in the history of the game even worse thought of than Russell because of his bigotry, and contempt for all other team members. Colton will become infamous and there will be gigantic karmic tidal waves he will have to deal with when he comes home. Manono tribe better vote Colton out fast or he will single-handedly bring the tribe down.

    I am terrified that Leif and Bill voted to follow Colton and Troyzan's ridiculous idea to go to Tribal Council. How stupid and cowardly could they be?

    I did like how Bill stood up to Colton. He used the right amount of reserve, strength, and expression to clarify who he is, what he is, and what he believes in while easily tricking Colton into showing what spoiled petulent manipulative brat he really was.

  30. This weeks episode proved why you should never ever volunteer to go to tribal and do all you can to stay in the game as long as you can...poor Bill. He must be thinking, what if!?

  31. I think by that point he knew that they weren't going to join him in voting out Colton, and they led him to believe they were going to vote out Lief, so he went with what he thought was the plan.