Thursday, April 26, 2012

The Knee Strategy

 A pork on the lam huddled under a burlap sack rides in the back of a rickety ramshackle jalopy in search of adventure, in search of experience. Up until now it's been eat, poop, roll around, talk to spiders, sleep. A pig needs more than that! A pig needs stimulation, camaraderie, seasoning if you will. So one day when the jalopy hit a lobster claw in the road that looked suspiciously like a nipple, Horatio had no choice but to jump off the tailgate and wander the mean streets of Samoa. And wander he did... right into a homeless camp of tooth picking pod people. New friends! Upon seeing Horatio, these new friends didn't welcome him warmly. Rather, they licked their honey mustard lips and began to frantically slice pineapples. One girl inexplicably ran around in circles with a rope while another stood with a paper plate waiting for ham sandwiches to go flying through the air. Fortunately for Horatio, these scraggly ne'er-do-wells were neither bright nor determined. After five minutes of a Benny Hill chase they collapsed into an exhausted pile and gave up. While they slept, Horatio rebuilt the shelter, found a Hidden Immunity Idol, voted off the Sisters Grim, and went on to have his own show on A&E called Pigging Out. I hear he even has a fragrance coming out next year called Porcanthemum. Let's recap, shall we?

So here we are, back again. The little man is gone or maybe he's still sleeping in that fruit crate? *shrugs shoulders* If the smell of death starts to eek out of what the Survivors are now using as a bench, I guess we'll take a look-see and see if it's cookable. Until then, the sun's gone dim, and the moon's turned black. It's dark and hopeless out here at God Of The Anus (née Tikiano). Tarzan (Greg) counts on his tongue depressor fingers - one, two, two men - and then mumbles to no one in particular that he might as well pack up his surgical tools (glue sticks, sea cucumbers, and twine) and head on home. Or maybe he could join the women, but keep it on the down low that he's really working with Troyzan (Troy). Eh, no biggie, he's got a vaginobivalvoplasty in the morning so... *yawn* nighty night.

Handlebar (Kim), however, is slightly more agitated. Sitting in a corner twirling her mustache, she's not exactly thrilled that her name came up at Tribal Council. She was hoping to keep her presence in this game a big fat secret for as long as possible. You know - very little personality, no sudden movements, a quiet slithering through the greenery. Wallpaper. Think wallpaper. The problem with wallpaper is that no matter how nondescript or boring it is, inevitably it'll bug the crap out of someone and that someone is Troyzan. He's onto you Handlebar and your mismatched stripes. Whether in the daylight or late at night, all he does is stare and stare at your wiggedy whack lines. If he can't tear you out with his own bare hands, then he'll point you out over and over again until someone finally pays attention. It's all he has. He's alone in this game for now. Tarzan may be a man, but he doesn't count. He's a help to no one... except maybe a poor third world child with a harelip who's open to having a little papier mache reconstructive work done.

And this brings us to a new day. The sun is shining and Tree Mail is waiting. Cryptic as ever - "You'll have a Reward Challenge where the winner the will get to pick people to join them" - the giddy Survivors try to guess what secrets the Tree Mail holds. Kat, in particular, is desperate to go on a Reward. She pulls Handlebar aside and together they make a pact to pick one another in the (likely) event that the winner will get to take people with them. Handlebar declares, "No way in hell I'm picking Jugs! (Alicia)" The two women shake on it and smile at the promise of yet another lavish buffet that has no place in this show.

Sidebar: What's with all the freaking food this season? I mean, come on! These bitches eat better than I do and I'm not stranded on an island calling myself a "Survivor". I'm just a wee bitch with a case of gin and a couple of packets of uncooked pop tarts. Occasionally, I'll dip some Klonopin in Nyquil and call it a banquet. Never in my life have I had a spread of steaks, potato salad, lobsters, pies, cakes, cupcakes every three days. Every three days! Not every Reward Challenge has to have food you know. Stop coddling these chuckleheads CBS. I want to play ribs like xylophones and watch their hair fall out. Now that's entertainment!

Kerplunk! We've arrived at another Reward Challenge only this one is slightly more delicious than others we've seen in the past. First off, there are creepy voodoo doppelgangers of the Survivors hanging ominously above a funeral pyre waiting to be lit. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - more setting stuff on fire on reality shows! I'm also open to burning losing contestants on a stake. Tarring and feathering, drawing and quartering... I'm chock full of ideas. Holla at your girl CBS. I'll make your shows great again.

OK so for today's challenge, Dimples will ask you a series of embarrassing questions where you will openly humiliate one another. The goal is to pick which Survivor you think the group picked as a whole. If you get the answer right, you get to chop a rope holding up the Voodoo People. If your creepy doll gets chopped 3 times, it will fall into the fire and we'll all get to watch as the skin burns away and your ribs turn to ash. The last person standing will win a helicopter ride to a picnic. Survivors ready, go.

Question #1: Who doesn't deserve to be in the game?
A Greek chorus of ChaCha's (Christina) rings out in the amphitheater as Troyzan, Handlebar, and Prunes (Chelsea) get it right.

Question #2: Who would you trust with your life?
I would have picked Tarzan because of what he can do with scotch tape and a staple gun, but the group picks Handlebar and Troyzan's doll falls into the fire.

Question #3: Who most needs a wake up call in life?
Kat, Kat, Kat, Kat, Kat... a thousand times Kat. I wanted to feel bad for Kat, but then I saw this...

Naturally, I ripped off my shirt, pushed pause, and danced naked around the room while chucking prunes at the television. I mean, look at that. It's even wearing the ugly hat! (Thank you Rob for this photo because I know, I KNOW, you did this especially for me.)

Question #4: Who is the biggest poseur?
Everyone but Jugs, who picks ChaCha,  picks Troyzan. I'll go ahead and agree with the group on this one. Anyone who adds a 'zan at the end of their name is a douche. Love, Colette Lalazan

Question #5: Who does the least for their tribe?
I expected to see any number of names. Maybe Tarzan because he's always in surgery. Maybe ChaCha because she seems to be a slow mover. Maybe Kat because she pees in the water hole and bathes in the poop ditch. Or maybe Prunes because all she does is pick her teeth and moan. The one name I didn't expect to see was Sabrina. If they picked her over ChaCha, then you know the bitch is lazy. And in this round we lose Kat and Sabrina to the hungry flames.

Question #6: Who would you most like to be stranded with on an island?
Handlebar wins with an overwhelming majority which leaves me scratching my head. Handlebar? Really? Days spent staring at nothing. Low monotone conversations about the weather as the years passed by and your sanity fizzled to a little piece of dust. I'd hurl myself into the fire if I had to spend an eternity with that whole mess of boredom. My choice would be Kat. I'd bring court jesters back into society and Kat would be their patron saint. We'd dance jauntily around the campfire and wear hats with bells on the ends. Anyhow, we lose ChaCha in this round.

Question #7: Who do you hope to never see again?
*holds up Prunes sign* The correct answer is Troyzan and... HANDLEBAR WINS REWARD!!!

So, Handlebar, who would you like to take on Reward with you? "Jugs!" Huh? But, but, but... you said there was no way in hell you'd choose Jugs. Dimples then tells Handlebar to pick another person to join her. Kat packs up her belongings, pats down her hair, whips a fork fashioned out of birch twigs out of her back pocket, and makes her way over to Handlebar. "Prunes! I pick Prunes." Kat stops in her tracks confused at to why "Prunes" doesn't rhyme with "hat". Seeing Kat's crestfallen face, Handlebar whispers how sorry she is, but Prunes is just so hungry. She never eats. Hold up Geraldo, didn't Prunes just go on a Reward? Didn't she get to eat cake at that auction? Tell her to eat that ugly hat of hers if she's so hungry.

Troyzan turns to Kat and says, "See? You're not a top dog. You're on the bottom! If they liked you, they would have chosen you. Now let's vote out Handlebar!" Kat purses her lips in response and stares down at her grumbling tummy. Troyzan's words aren't really computing. What is computing is that a happy Prunes and Jugs are climbing into a helicopter getting ready to stick their heads face first in a vat of macaroni salad.

Back at camp, Kat just can't let this not getting picked thing go. She's hungry too dammit! Troyzan tries again to chisel away at the cookie layer on Kat's brain - "It wasn't about food today. It was about strategy." A chocolate chip falls to the ground as Kat stares back vacantly. Troyzan then grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her crumb by crumb. "Wake up," he implores. "You have to wake up to what's really going on." Still, it's not registering. Kat isn't mad that she's not in Handlebar's top three. She's mad she didn't get picked and now the national television viewing audience will see her as a weak player. Now, you're worried about being weak? NOW? I'm sorry to burst your Bazooka bubble head, but we've always thought you were weak and it has nothing to do with Hairy Hairy Quite Contrary not picking you. Don't get me wrong, we find you funny and charming in a bumping into walls kind of a way, but we never really thought of you as strong, Kat.

Troyzan, God love him, doesn't give up. He tries and tries to find an opening where he can deliver some common sense to sad Kat. But all he comes up with is a sticky jelly coating that can't be penetrated. Only Goo Gone and a sledgehammer might be able to make some headway, but as Tarzan is in the middle of a molluskytuck, all of the tools are otherwise occupied.

The more Troyzan talks and reasons and pleads, the more Kat breaks down to the point of liquification. Sugary tears leak from her eyes as she storms away annoyed at her crumbling cookie layer. Troyzan telling her over and over again that she's not one of Handlebar's final three isn't just pissing her off, it's making her crack. Yet, she still doesn't get it. It still isn't sinking in. Her outer shell is crumbling all around her, her friends are off licking mayonnaise off one another, Troyzan keeps hurling emphatic daggers of truth and yet... nothing. Not a damn thing but "I don't want to be seen as weak. *sniffle sniffle*"

There are some people in the world who have the capacity to only deal with one problem at a time. Add an additional dilemma to their lives and they lose the plot. They go crazy. They're confused and jumbled up inside. This is Kat. Non multi-tasking Kat. Right now she's dealing with not getting picked. Later, maybe, when she's reconciled all of her feelings, sought therapy for what the blogs will say, and gotten over not being picked... then she'll be able to move on and deal with the strategy aspect of it all. Unfortunately for her, Survivor is only 39 days long and her season will be long over when 2015 rolls around.

Eventually, Handlebar, Jugs, and Prunes return from their Reward to find a soggy lump of cookie dough at the base of a tree. Handlebar picks it up gingerly, takes it to the beach, and places it next to her. Looking down at the gooey dough with wet eyelashes, Handlebar says quietly, "Don't be mad." Nimble fingers from inside the dough start hurling chocolate chips and almonds at Handlebar's face as a tiny voice yells, "I'm furious!" Handlebar picks a nut out of her mustache and says, "You know how much I adore you Kat." Kat sniffles as she kneads herself back together.

Handlebar hopes she's made Kat feel better, but was all this flour and egg in her hair worth it? Rubbing her full belly, she regrets winning. She regrets not picking Kat. She regrets not bringing her Nair... wait a tic, is that a pig?!?

*Horatio enters camp, removes his hat and bows. "How do you do? My name is Horatio. Can you spare a drop of water for a weary traveler?"*

Handlebar hollers, "KILL THE PIG!!!"

From out of nowhere banjo music starts to play as Horatio drops his knapsack and begins to flee. Cries of "Grab the ax!" fill the air as Troyzan fashions a lasso out of some surgical twine. ChaCha runs to the makeshift kitchenette to slice some pineapple while Kat spreads mayonnaise on slices of bread.

"Ham sandwiches!"
"Just eat the leg!"
"Stick an apple in it's mouth!"
"Spear the hell out of it!" 

Horatio hides under a bush as he wonders what sort of maniacal devil worshiping camp he's wandered into. All he wanted was an adventure, a little time to find himself. Instead, he has walked right into some sort of carnival abattoir inexplicably covered in cookie crumbs and various marine life appendages. Lucky for him, these freaks keep tripping over their own feet and lassoing one another. In the end, the castaways are about as good at killing as they are at playing the game of Survivor and Horatio lives. In fact, he's convinced them to give him a bed in their shelter and a bowl of rice. I predict he wins Fan Favorite. Text LITTLE PIGGY to 1-800-CBS-SUCKS.

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, Survivors will face off and slide down a slip-n-slide while gathering rope rings. Once they reach the end, they'll hurl their rings at a post. The person who lands their ring on a hook will move onto the next round where they'll do it all over again having to land two rings. The winner of Round 3 will win Immunity. Survivors ready, go!

First up is Prunes and Jugs. After getting lubed up... hang on, I'm still waiting on Jugs to finish lubing up her jugs. *tick tock, tick tock, 10 minutes pass* Ok, now we can begin. Both daintily hit the slide with Prunes popping one of her water balloon boobs. You should've listened to Tarzan when he suggested sand filled chesticles would last longer. Mine feel awesome and they form nicely around beer bottles. Blah, blah, blah, Prunes wins.

Kat dances her way to victory over Sabrina in her heat and everyone everywhere is happy she's back to her old self again.

Next up are the 'Zan boys - Tarzan v. Troyzan. A frantic Troyzan knows he has to win this. He's in the zone. He's sliding his way to the end while Tarzan is inching along at a snail's pace. Throw, throw, throw - goes Troyzan. Miss, miss, miss - goes Troyzan. After about a half an hour of Troyzan chasing his rope ring all over the place, Tarzan arrives and waits. And waits, and waits, and waits. Toss! Tarzan wins. Wait, Tarzan wins? Yup, Tarzan wins. Oh dear.

The competition continues, but it doesn't really matter anymore, does it? How can we possibly care about Handlebar beating ChaCha when Troyzan is standing on the beach with a gun in his hand. Staring at the sea, staring at the sand... dead man on the beach, dead man on the beach. 

In the end... HANDLEBAR WINS IMMUNITY!!! But so what? So freaking what? Troyzan needed that win and, quite frankly, I'm sick of Handlebar winning/planning everything. I mean, I guess she's doing well in the game, but she's so boring! Looking into my crystal ball and seeing a Handlebar victory makes me cringe. I cringe for the predictability of it all. I cringe for the complacency from all the other players. I cringe at quiet introspective game play. Quiet introspective game play is ruining reality television!

Back at camp, Handlebar does what Handlebar does best. She tells everyone exactly how to vote and everyone nods back at her dumbly. Stupid robot pod people. Think for yourselves! Don't let her tell you what to do! Letting another person call all of shots is essentially letting that person win the game. Does the name Boston Rob ring a bell? I'm suddenly reminded of a movie quote... Our little plan worked, didn't it, Ronald? The dance. That stupid dance! What a bunch of followers you guys are. I mean, at least I got... At least I got paid. Name the movie in the comments and you're a big weiner. Name the dance and you're a double big weiner.

So the plan is to split the votes between Troyzan and ChaCha. Handlebar and her little clan of followers are still unsure as to whether or not Troyzan has the Idol so splitting the votes works in their favor. Although, why ChaCha? Why not Tarzan or Jugs? Tarzan is a penis person and Jugs is far more threatening than ChaCha will ever be.

To make matters even more unbelievable, Sabrina marches up to ChaCha and tells her that they're voting for her. She tells her! She. Tells. Her. *smacks self in head* Oh, and get this... ChaCha is fine with it! She goes up to Handlebar and says it's ok for them to write her name down. *jams a shish kabob poker in the eye* They should write down Sabrina's name for being such a dim witted big mouth. I'm amazed Handlebar has gotten as far as she has with these half wits on her heels. I guess that's a credit to her leadership skills. I don't know. On the one hand, they're easy to manipulate. On the other hand, they're morons!

After thinking about what Sabrina has told her, ChaCha chats with Troyzan in the water and wonders to herself how she can possibly trust the girls anymore. Better late than never I guess. She proposes to Troyzan that they vote out Prunes (yes!), but Troyzan has a feeling the girls will be splitting the votes. And his feeling tells him that the split will have nothing to do with Prunes. If only he could figure out who the other person is that they're writing down... "So they're going to write down my name," says ChaCha... out of nowhere. *plucks eyeball out with rusty spoon* Troyzan smiles to himself. All he needs now are four people to vote out ChaCha. 

Before Tribal Council Troyzan tries one last time to recruit as many people as he can. Tarzan gives him a noncommittal burble while Kat replies by blowing a bubble in his face. Good luck with that buddy.

And this brings us to Tribal Council with Dimples looking fetching in green. He inquires immediately if the tribe is still divided by gender. Troyzan assures him that it is. Dimples next asks Sabrina who is number 6 and number 5. Sabrina replies with, "It's been down do day 2, day 10." *scratches head* Huh? I move that from now on when someone doesn't answer Dimples' question directly, they get poked with a cattle prod. Just to mix things up and keep them honest.

ChaCha chimes in and says there has never been a discussion about who is the top 3 or top 5 to which Prunes, dumb ass Prunes, replies, "Nu uh! We've had our top 3 since day one!" And there it is. There. It. Is. That is exactly what Jugs, Kat, and ChaCha need to know. That's it! There's your answer ladies. Prunes just said she had a top 3 since day one and if you don't recall having a conversation about that with her, then guess what? You're not in it!

ChaCha still doesn't get it though. She maintains that the top 3 is changing everyday. Dimples finally can't help himself and asks, "ChaCha, why are you here?" ChaCha replies, "Because I'm one lucky girl." Now, I thought Dimples was asking why she was there in the game of Survivor not how she lasted that long. Regardless, Jugs starts cracking up and cites how everyone said in the Reward Challenge that ChaCha shouldn't be there. Ok. Good point Jugs, but you know what that tells me? That tells me that ChaCha would be the perfect person to take the end. You stood there and witnessed an entire tribe saying ChaCha sucks in this game. "Hot dog! I'm taking her to the end" would have been my response. Not, "nya nya nya nya no one likes you."

The bickering between Jugs and ChaCha continues as Jugs accuses ChaCha of having no strategy. ChaCha insists she that she does indeed have strategy. Only, it's a quiet strategy. A silent strategy, if you will. A strategy of which cannot be spoken or seen. A strategy that exists beneath the surface.

It is here that Troyzan tries to sell the women oceanfront property in Kansas. Ole Kansas Boy Dimples giggles to himself and says, "There's no ocean in Kansas!" Kat whispers to Handlebar, "I wonder how much that property is going for."

Alright, enough chitchat. Time to read the votes. One vote for Prunes, three votes for ChaCha, and four votes for Troyzan. Troyzan is the the 11th person voted out of Survivor One World.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Are you sad to see Troyzan go? Will the dumb ass girls ever turn on Handlebar? Did Troyzan crack Kat's cookie shell enough? Can Tarzan possibly sneak through to the end? Will you vote Horatio as Fan Favorite? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. Can't buy me love, and not the beatles version ;)

    great re-cap, per usual Lala!

  2. Can't Buy Me Love...The African Anteater Ritual

  3. Of course, OF COURSE I did it especially!

  4. Have missed your blogs, had a crazy hat on and not my computer. Better than ever. You rock, LaLa!

  5. Posted by Exfighterpilot:
    Our "no-strategy-ChaCha" should be given credit for trying to make a big move this time. She was directed to vote against Troyzan, but she defied the girls alliance and did in fact follow through with her vote against Chelsea, without waiting to ensure they had the numbers (as she thought Troyzan would do also). At least she isn't blindly going along like the others.

  6. Welcome back LaLa!

    Now that Troyzan's gone, can I root for Horatio? Pretty please? Really, who else is there? He has more personality than half of the people on that island.

    I might not like Handlebar, but I do admire how she is playing the game. Unlike the other females, she wanted Troyzan out strictly because he was a threat, not because his ranting, gesticulating, desperate play, and "posership" hurt her feelings. Handlebar may seem dull, but at least we can respect her gameplay.

    Four more things:

    1. I'm with you on the food. Seeing these contestants stuff themselves every week makes me feel like I'm the one who's starving.

    2. Why do the women root for Handlebar to win EVERY SINGLE CHALLENGE? I knew she was controlling everyone, but she has apparently indoctrinated them.

    3. ChaCha, like I said before, is the most subservient player in Survivor history. Hey ChaCha, what if Troyzan DID have the hidden idol? Then YOU would be going home! Or...was that a part of your "silent strategy?"

    4. Did you catch what Dimples said to Troyzan just before the vote? He said, to this effect: "One thing's clear Troy, and that's that either you or somebody else is going home tonight." (Thanks Dimples! We're now all dumber for having heard that.)


  7. Wow, someone who agrees with me about rational thought. Why, why, WHY do the sycophants come out in droves during this game while their profiles and auditions claim they are all great 'leaders' and 'strategists'?! Handlebar's presumptuous smile has got to go., and with OY-Zan gone, let the bickering begin!

  8. I'm so f**king bored with this group, I don't care how it turns out. Cha Cha has stockholm syndrome, BTW--she's acting like a beaten wife, all excuses and denial. I did love Troy's whispered comment to Kat on his way out. He may have sealed her fate. I only wish he had loudly announced that Handlebar had his vote (Godfather moves closer for the kiss of death and whispers, "you broke my heart, Fredo"). That would have caused some juicy changes...but alas, poor Kat.

  9. Team Horatio!!
    You hit it right on the nail. Complacency has been the name of the game this season. Well that, and Stupidity.
    Great blog, as usual. Everyone hop on the 'Zanwagon.

  10. Handlebar is the one who should be calling herself "One Lucky Girl" because she is not going to win this game, everyone else is giving her the game. I still find it outrageous that she has all these other girls convinced they are going places with her, there is only two spots up for grabs and one of those spots is for Prunes, because we're friends and we do everything together you know.

    Cha Cha is kind of coming around a little but it is way too late I think,maybe she has a secret piece of strategy she plans to use right before her ultimate death from the game, I love Cha Cha and she is the one I am supporting this season but WTF....what are you doing Christina, give us a sign of your hidden yet silent strategy, have you in fact got Colton's Idol or something even greater.

    Kat is going to take much longer still and I agree Lala, she's not getting it at all, she's just worried that maybe she is not as loved by Handlebar as she once thought, there were early signs of her "I-Can-Think-For-Myself-You-Know" but we know she cannot, even Troy's departing words to her I still don't believe she got.

    I would also like to agree on two things with you, these bitches are eating better than I ever have in my entire life, although I must confess once I ate 2 Big Macs on consecutive days and also if Horatio gets the votes and wins Fan Favorite then this season was not a complete waste of time.

    Once again great recap, I so enjoyed this one and welcome back. Now my Survivor experience for this week is officially complete.

  11. Horatio for the win.

  12. Long time reader... first time poster...

    These players are all horrible, Im tired of non-thinking followers being picked. Theres always going to be some knuckleheads every season, but virtually the whole cast this year? Come on! Troyzan leaving left me empty inside... Kim is playing the best game, but thats not saying much. Its like Boston Rob all over again. Sure he played a great game, but the other players LET HIM WIN. Just they are going to LET KIM WIN. I was so hoping to see a Kim pop up on that last vote, and about vomited when it was Troyzan. And last thing, enough food... starve these bitches!

  13. Dearest Colette,

    First let me kiss some ass.(Yours to be precise.) You make even the low point episodes enjoyable. I tell every Survivor fan at work to read your blog.

    Now let's get to what really has been driving me crazy with this cast:
    1. Why does the 'Stache annoy me so much? I will admit to being a huge Boston Rob fan - for all four seasons mind you - but he worked for it. He was watching his tribe mates 24/7 and damn it, he managed those people, LIKE A BOSS! What does the "stache do, she casually mentions what she wants people to do.... and it's done!!!

    2. Tarzan is Philip's brother-from-another-mother, but he's the smarter twin: like Danny Devito vs Arnie. He's there to be dragged to the end. He's nothing like Matt from the Amazon season who worked at being crazy and still won to get there_ the most deserving player who was shafted with 2nd place IMHO.

    3. Troyzan was entertaining but do I feel bad that the guy who takes pictures of supermodels in string and gauze didn't also get 1 million dollars is out? Not really.

    4. The rest of the cast left in the game or on tribal council - too forgettable.

    Maybe next season. Thank God for Dimples!

  14. This has got to be the most boring season of Survivor EVER, but who would have guessed the first couple of weeks that the women would be up 6-2 at this point. Craziness! Those are some stupid bitches..which doesn't say much for the men!

  15. Kim and Tarzan are scheming a lot more than they are showing. If you watch the slip and slide challenge you can see Tarzan standing next to Kim with his head down and it appears that he is mumbling to her on the sneak. Kim is ok keeping Tarzan around as a swing vote when the women fracture. She doesn't mind keeping him around because she thinks no one likes him and won't give a plastic surgeon a million dollars (and maybe he can't win challenges). Tarzan likes the alliance because it keeps him around and more than winning he wants to be able to say at the reunion that he knew what what going on all along (massive ego). Is Chelsea in on the Kim/Tarzan alliance? Not sure.

  16. My last remaining hope is Kat, and that's not going to happen either. I hate all the rest that are left. This isn't Survivor they're playing out there, it's a prom queen popularity contest and it sucks. There's no outwitting or outplaying happening, just dumb sheep following the prom queen. Nobody left out there deserves a damn dime.

    I did like the shot of Horatio lying about camp as the players came back from the IC - he's got my vote!!

  17. There is nothing left to the season as is aptly mentioned above. But I have a theory, we got the "B Team" producers and editors this season, the "A Team" was off building the new sets for the next season in the Philippines and searching for contestants that match their intelligence level. Those of us that have worked in the business world know that bad managers always select bad employees, in this instance that ragtag bunch of "survivors". Those of us here in Colette's "little army" are operating on a higher intelligence level and therefore cannot understand how this season's crew can be so unaware, but the Survivor "B Team" sees everything just fine, they picked them, what could be wrong? In today's political correctness approach, I suggest that we are being too harsh on the "B Team", we should have compassion, we should help them, we should be more understanding as they walk to the land of the irrelevant, that is "low TV ratings".

    Best Tweet of the week: Horatio was the 4th smartest Survivor this week.

    Worst Tweets of the week: Cha Cha making excuses for her paralysis.

    Thanks to Colette for this week's blog, it has not been easy for her, but I am still laughing over the "Vaginobivalvoplasty", had to read the blog a second time to catch that one. I am proud to be associated with the very intelligent "little army"!

  18. Idiots. Kim is the only one with a clue, apparently now that Troy is gone. But Kim better be careful, she has another hurdle ahead of her. In the previews she talks of offing Sabrina, then Kat. But that would leave the three remaining misfits with a 3-2 advantage over Kim/Chelsea. Can you possibly imagine a final three of Cha Cha, Jugs and Tarzan? Holy shit, who deserves to win in THAT group?! But it could happen. Kim needs to off Sabrina and THEN Jugs! Kat can always get offed later. Kim seems to be a smart player, perhaps she'll see this unfold ahead of time.

  19. Oh, and this had me laughing out loud:

    "Text LITTLE PIGGY to 1-800-CBS-SUCKS" I snorted up coca cola, thank Colette! :)

  20. Crispy toast. Troy's Ozzyness was lacking what I predicted, nothing to back it up in challenges. At least he was entertaining while attempting to stir the pot. Somewhere along the way I lost the plot. Cha Cha didn't do anything marvelous with a vote for Chelsea. She didn't swing with the gals that had too much fun rubbing on each other's oiled bodies. She couldn't vote for herself to help Troyzan.

    There wasn't any compelling reason for anyone to follow Troy instead of Kim. They couldn't vote her out and haven't even attempted to make her play her idol. We're left to wonder if Kat's head is full of powdered sugar or a creamy flavored filling. Now we are trapped in the vast emotional wasteland of female emotions. Who does Mom like best?

    I'm not even certain Handlebar brings her hidden idol to tribal. I'm also still on the fence about who is in the facial hair lead. I gave an edge to Ball Cap this week.

    Damn the side boob fuzz, there isn't much to hide in full frontal. Perhaps it's a tattoo? NBC peacock.

    The next person to leave won't have an idol. Tarzan did his best to not win the last challenge. He was watching instead of tossing and that was after making sure he was last to the tossing mat. Perhaps he's hoping for some sort of mud wrestling challenge. It seems to me he is next to exit. Can't have a good cat fight with an old dude as witness. He's also got the biggest boobs.

  21. Loved the blog, hate the show. I have become so bored! For me, Survivor usually starts to drag around this time but I don't even want to watch it anymore and I only watched it this week so I could read your blog.

    Our local paper gives a 2-line rundown on some tv shows and this week it said "If you can stand the boredom 'Survivor' on at 7pm on CBS." Even my newspaper thinks Survivor is boring! The most exciting thing was Kim not taking Kat on the reward. I did like the voodoo dolls though.


    1. I wonder if Dimples knows how much this season sucks. He hasn't been tweeting nearly as much as he usually does.

    2. I just checked the ratings, the last episode was the lowest ever.

  22. Ya not a great season. Kim definitely the best player still in the game. But then again its like the special olympics out there...nobody knows whats going on. If only Colton hadn't got sick...this season may have been great. As much as everyone love to hate him...he was entertaining.

  23. Why are 95% of Survivor contestants so fucking stupid and malleable?

  24. Agree on the overfeeding of the inmates thing. Has ChaCha been on a reward recently? Because it appears to me that she may have actually gained weight out there. How is that even possible?

  25. I don't think they have ever had a dumber player on Survivor than Kat. The girl has only about two cells working in her little brain.Every season there are times when the low people on the totem pole could change what is happening in the game if they would wise up, but they never do! Troyzan tried to tell them all exactly how to survive and they all were so stupid they let the moment pass.They don't deserve to win.

  26. Well, now that Troyzan is gone, I'm done with this season.
    The only way to save this season is to remove the blurred out nipple slips and butt cheeks and have the girls wrestle in whatever baby oil is left from this weeks challenge.

    ChaCha be mine!!!

  27. In a couple years the next time Jeff ranks the Survivor seasons best to worst, this one will likely be at the bottom. The one that had the male porn actor win it (Brian Heidk?) was the absolute worst. This one now has become even worse.

    There's no memorable personalities. No excitement. Kim is like a robot and annoying (not to mention difficult to look at), and the rest of the remaining players are just insanely stupid.

    For the first time, we likely won't finish the season. It has been a family ritual for years to gather round and watch it instead of DVR'ing it, but I don't think we even want to watch it DVR'ed now. Oh well, I'll have my Wednesday nights free now for a few months...

  28. Kim is hands down the best female player to play survivor. She will win this season. She makes zero mistakes and all her followers do exactly what she wants when she wants. She and Chelsea are athletically far superior to the other players left and will win all the immunities from here on out. This season has been great. It's too bad Troy realized so late what was going down, and its too bad that Kim had her hooks into everybody so deep by the time he made the decision to fight back. Kim will easily control the rest of this game and be victorious. I am a huge fan, beauty, brains, and athletic skill. Kim is a modern day Wonder Woman.

    1. Agree with almost everything you said. Kim deserves to win. She's covered her bases perfectly so far, and looks great coming out oa shower haha

  29. Skimmed the comments, and was surprised that no one had yet lambasted Jugs for her awful comments in that one interview where she mentioned being a special ed. teacher...

    She says (paraphrased):

    1) 'Cha Cha has an IQ of zero', then 'does that even exist'?

    2) 'I'm a special ed. teacher, so I'll just treat Cha Cha like I would my kids'.

    She also says something along the lines of: her methods of teaching are that her students should do whatever she tells them to do...

    WTF!?! This woman should not be teaching! She clearly knows nothing about special needs, and does not respect or care for those with mental issues. How could she even joke about that? Although, she probably wasn't joking, more likely she was serious. Anyways, she's awful, I hope Horatio bites her, and she has to be flown out for a rabies shot, so that she can't win. Go Horatio!

  30. Oh my God! *smacks forehead* I've just realised what's happening on the island! It's something that has never happened before in 23 seasons of Survivor! No previous castaway has had the audacity and the skill set to attempt such a strategy...

    I'm talking about lobotomies!

    They haven't been captured on camera. He must have performed them in the deadest hour of night - the witching hour when even the camera crew has been lulled by the sounds of lapping waves. Like a stealthy Victor Frankenstein he has steadily gathered frontal lobes… at least 3 so far by my count.

    Remember when Christina successfully negotiated with the men for fire? Well, that was when she still had a frontal lobe.

    Remember when Chelsea astutely aligned herself with the best player? Definite evidence of frontal lobe activity. He must have gotten to her the night before that simple puzzle challenge.

    And Kat. Hmm, he must have performed the procedure on Kat before she even arrived on the island! Perhaps on the plane? The boldness!

    I always suspected there was more to TarZAN than the quirky iconoclast that meets the eye. He obviously smuggled surgical equipment onto the island. That's why he "casually" tossed his panties into the boiling water. He wasn't trying to hide poop, he was trying to hide blood! The scalpel was in his anus all along!

    TarZAN's dastardly plan is obvious to me now! He intends to operate on these women one by one until they are all balloon breasted Stepford Wives incapable of having an original thought or perceiving what's happening around them. Clearly he has already gotten to Christina, Chelsea and Kat. Alicia will be next if he can hold her down long enough. Sabrina will follow. Then, finally, he will turn his scalpel to the Randle P. McMurphy of the group: Kim. If he can successfully remove Kim's frontal lobe then he will have removed the last obstacle between himself and the million dollars. The man is an evil genius! I love it!

  31. Oh, and my compliments on your new purpley glittery wallpaper. All those other blogs will be SO jealous! They'll try to act all cool and casual when they come over for tea, but you'll sense it. They'll probably say something offhand like "Oh, new wallpaper? Lovely", but then you'll catch 'em sneaking furtive glances at the glittery walls and trying to hide their envious faces behind their teacups. Fuckers.

  32. Agree on the overfeeding of the inmates thing. Has ChaCha been on a reward recently? Because it appears to me that she may have actually gained weight out there. How is that even possible?

  33., can you past tense this stuff? Let's see: *slapped forehead and smiled while driving home last night when iPod shuffled to The Cure*. Hmm, sort of.

    I THOUGHT there was something familiar about how you described Troyzan's sulking. At the time I passed it off as just a little poetic licence and continued reading... but I really DID slap the ol' forehead last night when, half singing along to Robert in the car, I reached "...dead man on the beach (dead man on the beach)".

    Absolutely perfecto contextual usage, bitch. Nice. Consider yourself officially responsible for the most pleasurable moment this season of Survivor has given me.

    My big sister is the huge Cure fan and introduced me to them. She bought all their vinyl (remember vinyl?) My favourite is Disintegration. Can we get some weiners?



    No! Don't cry M! Try to laugh about it. Boys don't cry.

    HA! HA! HA!

    *hides tears in eyes*

    1. I was hoping someone would pick up on that!

      There is also a stanza from a Dorothy Parker poem lurking within.

      It's like a lovely little pop culture scavenger hunt.

  34. For I loved him, and
    He didn't love back.

    Too bad her natural cynicism prevented her actually writing a drippy two-volume novel about affairs of the heart. I mean, there's just so much money in it! Throw in a vampire or two, add a touch of sadomasochism, maybe even some teenagers killing each other, and sit back and listen to the ka-ching! Enough moolah to stay drunk forever! And not on the cheap stuff either - strictly Beefeater's baby!

  35. Fact: this season sucks! The players are all lame. I actually wish Colton the racist was around because at least he had had a brain and was trying to win. Troy was the only other person actually trying to win this besides Kim. However, IMO Kim will not win this. She will not get the votes. My money is on the men voting in block and once Kim starts voting women off the island the girl's lovefest will be over.