Thursday, April 12, 2012

Put On Your Big Girl Panties

Sometimes on rainy day afternoons I like to take out my hot glue gun and create sea life sculptures - lovely little expressions of how I'm feeling. It's a way to express myself through crustaceans. After rolling my 6 drawer storage cart (Office Depot, bitch) into the bay window of my craft room and plugging in Mr. Sticky (that's what I call my hot glue gun), I sit in quiet contemplation and let inspiration fall where it may. 9 times out of 10, inspiration lands right in the center of my giant glitter bowl. Tiny speckles of deliciousness sparkle up at me and in that moment I know, I just know, these dried out crab legs are going to sparkle orange today! *squeeze sprinkle squeeze* After the orange glitter has dried, I position Crabby McCrabberson's hind legs into a lotus position while his front legs come together gracefully in a namaste. I call this one Peaceful Crab. He stares up at me with those black rhinestone eyes of his and sometimes I think he can speak. He speaks truth. He speaks of the future. But never, not once, has he said to me, "Let me host! Let me host!" Instead, he says in his best Phaedra Parks voice, "Everybody knows DIY craft projects can't host." That's one smart Peaceful Crab. Let's recap, shall we?

In the early morning dawn a high pitched scream pierces the silence. The men run in the direction of the girls to see what is the matter, but the girls are fine. Lilting songbird Jay, however, is not. With sweat pouring down his face and his heart beating a million miles a minute, ripply abbed Jay, clutches a fluffy pillow to himself and whimpers, "I dreamed I got shot. And I was about to get capped again when I woke up." The snickering crowd looking down at him asks who shot him, but Jay is mum. He won't say. Instead, Jay shakes off the icky feeling enveloping him and gets back to poking the campfire with a big stick.

A stone's throw away we find those zany 'Zan brothers going over their places in this big bad game of Survivor. Tarzan (Greg) is insistent that all the men are going to lose because the women have the numbers to take them out one by one. Troyzan (Troy) is slightly more optimistic. He's adamant that getting rid of Michael was the right thing to do. Plus, there's a Hidden Immunity Idol out there that could save them all. Tarzan looks down at the sand and chuckles to himself. That Troyzan and his flighty ideas! What a card! Troyzan ignores the giggles escaping the hairy hole staring him in the face and counts on his fingers the members of his alliance. There's Tarzan, there's Jay, there's Leif, there's Jugs (Alicia), there's ChaCha (Christina) - hold up! Jugs and ChaCha? Tarzan again guffaws to himself and shakes his head in disbelief. Could it be that Tarzan's head is screwed on tighter than we thought? Could he know what those scheming women are up to? The conversation ends with hearty chortles. Tarzan advises Troyzan to just win all of the Immunity Challenges from here on out and then he went and grafted squid tentacles to a dolphin fin.

"Peaceful Crab, Peaceful Crab, wake up! I have a job for you."
"Everybody knows that DIY craft projects don't do jobs."
"But I really need you. They lost Dimples in the red light district again."
"Everybody knows that Dimples likes his massages."
"Yes, yes, I know. Now are you gonna help me or not?"
"Everybody knows I'm known for the most fabulous things in life. And this funeral will reflect that."
"Ugh! What the hell are you talking about? Fine! I'll get Troyzan to do it I guess."
"Everybody knows an opinion is like an anus; we all have one."
"Shut up!"

And this brings us to the Dimples-less most awful Reward Challenge in the history of challenges. Week after week, I pay close attention to all Challenge instructions. I want to get them just right because my readers are smart little scamps who'll call me on anything I get incorrect. Having said that, forgive me dear readers. Tarzan described the rules of the challenge last night and all I managed to get down in my notes was, "A numbering system of from 1-5 where you throw hoping to wrap around one of the pegs. Oh, look at that butterfly! Those wings would go great on one of our chickens." So yeah, that's the game we're about to play. The winning tribe will receive a boat ride to a secluded island where they will be treated to a local barbecue. *Leif wets himself*

With all of Tikiano talking and jabbering at once, choice camera angles are blocked and it's mayhem. Not only is Dimples missing, but so is the Stage Manager. These fools are breaking the fourth wall, crossing the 180 line, and making editing a nightmare. Was that rub down really that important Dimples?

In a dark dank den with beaded curtains tinkling in the breeze, a handsome American man in a shirt the color of infant baby eyes lies supine on a bed of intricately ornate pillows. His eyes are half-open (or half-closed depending on how you look at it) as a tiny Samoan woman rubs his big toe. The dimply American heats a ball of Opium over a flickering flame and answers my question, "Yes Lala, the rub down was really that important." Inhaling the sweetness, he purrs like a kitten and smiles to himself.

It's time to pick teams. The Red Team is Troyzan, Jay, Tarzan, Kat, and Jugs.
The Black Team is Prunes (Chelsea), Handlebar (Kim), ChaCha, Sabrina, and Leif.
And in the ultimate form of blasphemy, Troyzan announces, "I'm Troyzan Probst." Bitch, watch yourself! Sabrina feels a lot like I do as she says, "Troy is nobody's host! Hmm mmm." *neck slides back and forth* Thank you Sabrina.

I'm not even going to attempt to recap this monkey shit competition because, quite frankly, it's not worth my time. It wasn't worth my time to watch and it's definitely not worth my time to write about. It was a hot mess, people. Survivors were flinging nunchucks through the air and somehow they scored points for it. Who knows. All I know is that the RED TEAM WINS REWARD!!!

You know what that means, right? Let us take a moment of silence for Prunes to pout again. Poor sad clown. Without Leif to lead the cheers, Jay does the barbecue chant this week. "Bar-be-cue! Bar-be-cue!" *Prunes lower lip trembles*

The Red Team climbs aboard a boat shaped like a banana and cruises towards the most perfectly round island I've ever scene. 360 degrees of perfection. The boat itself isn't too shabby either as it's filled with beer, rum, and coconuts. Sounds like my refrigerator. A kindly gentleman on the bow cracks open some beers for the parched winners while Troyzan, licking his lips, empties an entire bottle of rum into an empty coconut. He takes a swig and we watch as that gentle fog creeps into his skull. You know the one I'm talking about. The one that makes the corners of your mouth creep up and your muscles feel like jell-o. A goofy-smiling Troyzan passes the coconut to Tarzan, a Reward Challenge virgin, and then pours himself another and another.

By the time this group of ne'er-do-well's arrives at the Circle K (that's what I've named this perfectly round island), Troyzan is holding a limbo stick in one hand and trying to stay upright with the other, "A-right lezz gethis party starrrrted. Woo-hoo!" Teetering gingerly on one foot, Troyzan bellows a Fonzy, "Eyyy!" to the crowd. Kat checks her bikini bottom for a rape whistle while Troyzan hollers, "Skinny Dipping in ten minutes! Eyyy!"

While Troyzan was busy chasing the women around the beach a la Benny Hill, Tarzan monitored the progress of the barbecue. Standing there salivating into the fire pit, he remarks at how architecturally beautiful the crabs are. If you like those Tarzan, I've got an entire army of architecturally beautiful crab people that can be yours for the bargain price of one boob job. You hook me up and I'll hook you up. Quid pro quo.

With bellies full and the sun beating down, Kat checks in to see how Jay is feeling about the game. Jay confesses that he was angry that Michael was voted off. He thought Jugs and ChaCha were supposed to go home before Michael. He tells Kat that Jugs, ChaCha, Tarzan, and Leif need to go home before anyone in their own alliance. Kat nods in agreement which does little to assuage Jay's suspicions of the women. His loins are telling him that girls up to no good yet his heart is telling him that they're a crackerjack group of girls who'd never lie... only they did lie. Last week!

Back at Tikiano, the girls are sitting around lazily musing about how great it is that Michael is gone. Handlebar hopes she'll make it to the end with Prunes and Sabrina. She figures if a tribe looks at those three, they'll have no choice but to award Handlebar the million dollars. And she's probably right. She's the only one (well, she and her adam's apple) truly playing the game at this point. Furthermore, she's cutting throats but she's not angering people as she does it which is truly mind blowing. Prunes is a liability more so than a contribution and Sabrina is just kind of meh. I mean, what have you done for me lately Sabrina? We've heard very little out of you since the first few weeks of the game when you were leader by default. Ever since then you've kind of been a backup dancer. Are you plotting, scheming, planning to overthrow Handlebar or are you just along for the ride? Something tells me Sabrina is just along for the ride. I don't see any bold moves dying to get out. But, hey, if she busts out with a plan to blindside Handlebar, no one will be happier than moi.

Speaking of Handlebar, she's letting the girls know that it's a smarter move to get rid of Jay next rather than Troyzan. The ultimate decision will be based on whichever one doesn't win Immunity. The loser will be the one going home. Oh, but Prunes has a problem with that. You see, she looked both Jay and Troyzan in the eye the other day. In. The. Eye. She can't very well look someone in the eye and then the next day vote them out! The looking in of the eyes is a binding contract. Oh sure, there's no paperwork or anything, but it's a binding of spirit, of energy, of will - which is far more sacred. Just ask any cult leader. Jugs, listening to all of this, sneers in Prunes' direction and scoffs, "Bitch please! This is the part where you need to take your heart out of the game and out your brain back in. Seriously." Prunes gets quiet and rubs her tongue across her teeth. When she's not picking her teeth, she's licking them. *pick pick pick lick lick* Gross.

Jugs knows what's what though. No one told Prunes to go fall in love with Jay. No one told her to look people in the eye and make promises she can't keep. No one told her to consort with other alliances, ruin plans, be a motormouth, etc. Prunes' job is simple - shut up and do what Handlebar says. That's all you're good for Prunes. You are Handlebar's bitch. Now deal with it.

Jugs isn't the only one disgusted by Prunes' behavior. Kat is also sort of horrified and, let me tell you, it takes a lot to piss off someone with a strawberry jelly filling. But pissed off she is! With her pixie stick legs, Kat marches right over to Sabrina to tell her how shady Prunes is being. Sabrina is instantly aghast and rightly so. She doesn't want any cracks or holes in her alliance. It's an alliance that's existed since day one. Prunes needs to put on her big girl panties and start making some big girl decisions rather than the lovesick little puppy bullshit she's been playing thus far.

As dusk starts to march in, Jay sits alone on the beach with Troyzan trying to secure whatever alliance it is he thinks he has. Jay tells Troyzan how important it is for them to stick together and not let other people screw them up. Troyzan mentions the idea of getting rid of Jugs and ChaCha and at home I sort of scratched my head. Remember in the beginning when Troyzan told Tarzan that Jugs and ChaCha were on their side? Either we're missing a lot in the editing or the game is indeed afoot. Jay is leaning more towards getting rid of Jugs first because she's two-faced and tight with Kat. But alas, Troyzan's delusions of grandeur poke in their weary heads. He thinks they should just win every Immunity Challenge from here on out. Easier said than done Captain Morgan - especially when there are chicken wings cooking somewhere in the distance.

Still scrambling to keep his menfolk safe, Jay tells Kat that they are all voting out Jugs next. He doesn't ask, he tells. No decision has been made, no one has been consulted, but Jay is just going to go ahead and get that rumor floated. Hopefully, it'll gain enough strength to keep the women's eyes off of the men. It's like Jay, Troyzan, Tarzan, and Leif are all lined up in a row on the beach hiding behind one grain of sand. "You can't see us. We're hiding. Look over there. There's Jugs!" Oh yeah, this plan is perfect. Kat nods in silence which doesn't reassure Jay all that much as he can sense she's not buying his Look Over There Plan. It is here where he switches gears to the Fair Is Fair Plan. The men lost Michael last week so now it's only fair that the women get rid of Jugs. Fair is fair! (Name the movie in the comments and you're a big weiner.) Kat ends the conversation saying she'll see what the others say about the Fair Is Fair plan.

But Jay's got ants in his pants! He doesn't let Kat walk 10 feet let alone get confirmation from the others. Jay instead comes up with a new plan. This one is called I Told Kat. Since Jay told Kat to get rid of Jugs, it makes an immutable fact - Jugs is going home. He runs the I Told Kat by Handlebar, Sabrina, and Kat who all nod and say, "Sure. Yeah. We're in." Jay asks, "So we're cool? Can we make that set and not derive from it?" All three girls cross their fingers behind their backs, "You betcha Jay! Great plan! Count us in!" This seems to satisfy Jay. Words have been spoken. That seals the deal. He's safe. Whew!

Another day passes and on this new morning we find Jugs and Handlebar washing bowls together in the sea. Handlebar assures Jugs that even though the men think the women are voting out Jugs, they're not. It's merely a rumor. Handlebar tells Jugs that the real plan is to get rid of whichever one of the boys doesn't win Immunity. Jugs may hear her name whispered on the wind, but she needs to ignore those whispers and trust that Handlebar is telling her the truth.

Jugs has no problem with that. Troyzan, however, is a different story. He saw Jugs and Handlebar doing the dishes together and didn't like what he saw. Something (try everything!) is telling him not to trust the women. They have the majority so what's to stop them voting out the men one by one? Nothing! Nothing will stop them. Troyzan takes his concerns to Jay who poo-poo's him away. "Oh poppycock," he says. "Those womens are our best friends. We can trust 'em!" Troyzan shakes his head with concern. He has a feeling that the women are planning something and that they'll pull a fast one on him. Jay lays one finger on Troyzan's lips, "Shhh. You're being silly. They wouldn't blindside us! My I Told Kat Plan worked like a charm. We're totally safe!"

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! So, you decided to show up Dimples. *arms crossed in a huff* I don't think I'll ever get over that DIY challenge.

"Everybody knows you want to look at models, not hear them."
"Oh hush Peaceful Crab!"

For today's challenge, Survivors will stand barefoot on a small wooden perch with their hand tethered to a bucket. When their arm drops so does the grody colored water within and they're out of the challenge. The last person left standing wins Immunity. To make it more interesting, Dimples will tempt the Survivors with delicious treats. Survivors ready, go!

*splash!* And Tarzan is out. Just like that. Dimples tries to blame it on Tarzan's feet, but Tarzan says simply, "Failure." He failed. *shrugs shoulders* So what? I hope he doesn't say that after an eye lift though. "I can't blink my eyes!" *shrugs shoulders* "Failure."

Dimples rolls out his first covered delicacy and before he can even... *splash!* ChaCha is out and is denied 2 cookies and a glass of milk. It seems like a crappy dish of goodies to me, but Sabrina is all over it and takes the dump... and the cookies and milk. *shakes head* These people...

Jugs interrupts my thoughts with, "If you're taking out a plate, I want it!" Without even knowing what the next treat is, Jugs is all ready to quit for it. Jay shouts, "If you take that plate, Imma vote you out!" Like he's unloading some deep dark secret. Shh precious. Leave the game playing to the girls. But when Dimples unveils 4 cupcakes, Jugs crinkles her nose and doesn't want it. Then Kat jumps in, "I'll step down!" And then Handlebar says, "I'm stepping down." What is it with these dumb ass people?!? They get barbecues every other day yet they're willing to blow an Immunity Challenge? IDIOTS.

Both Handlebar and Kat go out for, what I also think, is a crap treat. All of a sudden, Jugs then tells Prunes that she'll jump off which will somehow make Jay jump off and then Prunes will only have the other guys to go against. I don't get it. I have no idea what Jugs is proposing. All I know is homegirl is hon-gray! Dimples also tries to work out what Jugs is proposing and he's a little better at it than I am. Apparently, Jugs can last longer but Prunes is desperate to win something so Jugs will take the high road (and the upcoming treat!) and let Prunes have the victory. That's our Jugs!

And then, having passed up 4 cupcakes, Jugs agrees to take the next treat sight unseen. And this is what she gets...

Pooh balls. A giant bowl of uselessness. You and I both know, cupcakes would have been better than a bowl of candy. Plus, she's gotta know that pizza or chicken or hamburgers are right around the corner. Jugs effed up and she knows it by the look on her face. She tries hard to convince us that the bowl of gumdrops is really what she wanted all along, but the smile never reaches her eyes. Nice try. Not buying it.

The next out is Troyzan and the poor dude doesn't even get a treat to show for it. Now we're left with Prunes, Leif, and Jay. Dimples then wheels out a platter of chicken wings and beer... excuse me, million dollar chicken wings and beer.

*splash!* There goes Jay. Jay! Of all people. So so stupid.

Prunes is just as surprised as I am and that's probably the only thing we'll ever agree on in this life. She's not only shocked, she's devastated. By the whine in her voice, the dramatic gasp, and the "He doesn't even drink beer!"- I know, you know, we all know that Prunes has the hots for Jay and that's why she wanted him to stay in the game. But now, with a face full of million dollar wings, he's as good as gone.

It's down to Prunes and Leif now. Prunes reveals that she wants to win because she's embarrassed by some puzzle (which one?). She tells Leif that if he steps down it makes him less of a threat. Dimples claps and giggles with glee, but Leif holds steady and insists that he can stay on his perch all day long. Until, that is, Dimples whips out a tray of burgers and potato chips. Dimples waves it front of Prunes face, but she declines, "I don't want to see it." Meanwhile, her best good friends on the bench are begging Prunes to take the damn food because she hasn't eaten anything in a while. Prunes is a stubborn bitch though who wants a victory no matter how worthless or unfairly won it is. Well, she gets her victory, but lets keep in mind that she won only after 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 - EIGHT - people quit. Quit! Congratulation Prunes. You won Immunity by default. Surely that makes you feel better about yourself than this mysterious puzzle you're dwelling over. *snickers to self*

One more thing, and this pissed me off. Prunes goes out of the game a winner by snubbing her crooked nose whenever food was offered. Yet, here she stands now with a mouth full of food. She's eating the other people's prizes! That's not allowed! Prunes didn't win that food. She won by shunning food. She cheated. Plain and simple. That food wasn't hers to eat.

Back at camp, they congratulate Prunes for winning after everyone else already quit. Handlebar is especially pleased because she was afraid of coming across as too much of a threat. Furthermore, it's good to let Prunes feel what it's like to be a winner once in a while. Oh snap! *falls over laughing* Speaking of Prunes, she's up to her old tricks again - wondering if she should vote out Troyzan instead of Jay. But then, a thought flits through her mind. A green crispy thought. It's money. Money! Prunes loooooves money. Flipping through her Rules Of Life, she discovers that money is the one thing that make the eye contact contract null and void. Huh. What do you know? Is that convenient or what?

Handlebar, who is clearly steering this ship, instructs her girls to split the votes between Troyzan and Jay in case one of them has the Immunity Idol. She goes so far as to say that Tarzan will vote for Jay and Leif will vote for Troyzan. Wha... wha... what? Come again. How did Handlebar get Tarzan and Leif in her pocket? This is extremely frustrating because I feel like we're missing a whole other facet of the game that could explain some hinky votes in the past, present, and future. The storytelling, among other things, is way off this season. Don't you feel like there's information we, as the viewing audience, should know but aren't getting?

While I'm left wondering if Handlebar is dancing naked under the pale moonlight casting spells on the menfolk, Jay is doing his check-in with Handlebar. "Is everything ok? There's not gonna be any blindsides, right? We cool?" "Yup, we're hunky dory. No shenanigans whatsoever. You, I mean Jugs, is going home. Right-o!" Jay skips off happy and Handlebar tells Jugs about the plan to split the votes. Just as Jugs is bouncing off, Troyzan approaches to check in with his leader, Handlebar. "You're not voting me off are you?" "No! You're safe. You're safe. You're safe." Hmm that was one too many "you're safe's" for Troyzan's liking. Better go dig up the Idol then report this to Jay...

Troyzan changes his shorts, slips the Idol in his pocket, and goes off to tell Jay he smells something fishy. "I have an Idol bro. I'm playing it. If someone's playing me, I want them to go home." Jay's eyes widen hearing this news about the Idol. "No one's playing you Troy. I ain't heard the slightest inclination." Troyzan replies, "They wouldn't tell you anyways!" But Jay, effervescent bubbles for brains Jay, doesn't see it, doesn't get it. Troyzan, god bless him, is trying to open Jay's eyes but they're superglued shut or something. Give me back my Mr. Sticky, Jay! With tender-hearted "I'll trust anything" Jay as his partner, Troyzan needs to try another tactic to wake him up. He asks Jay if he'll vote out Handlebar tonight. Interesting. So someone finally sees that she's pulling everyone's strings. Her own alliance can't see it, but leave to an outsider who's been lied to all along to pick up on it. I'm not particularly a fan of Troyzan, but his instincts are pretty good and I won't begrudge him that.

Whish! Splat! Kerplunk! Here we are at Tribal Council where Tarzan is fetching in a lovely red blouse. I thought it looked familiar...

I'm going to throw something out there and tell me what you think - Tarzan is an evil genius who is putting on an act and playing everyone. Blam! What do you think? Does it work for you? Can you see it? Something about the red blouse tipped me off or maybe it's just wishful thinking. Remember, Phillip Sheppard made it awfully far in the game. Is Tarzan pulling a Phillip Sheppard, but... consciously? Let it marinate and get back to me.

Ok so back to Tribal... Troyzan says he thought that Jonas and Michael going home was a coincidence, but now he wonders if it's something else. What? The writing in the stars hasn't tipped you off? The hermit crabs spelling out THE WOMEN ARE PLAYING YOU wasn't big enough of a hint for you? *shakes head* Tarzan blames it on the men losing their will and breaking their allegiance too early in the game. Plus, the women are simply smarter than the men. Tarzan is right you know. The men screwed up big time when they got rid of Jonas.

Airy fairy melody in the night sky Jay thinks that the women and the men are working harmoniously together. He also thinks that Israel and Palestine are good buddies and North and South are holding hands as we speak. It must be awfully fun to live in a world with no hate, no dissension, no backstabbing. I want to live a world like that with cloudless skies and tanned ripply men singing like nightingale's. I'd probably be a lot happier and drink a lot less gin. *cheers to my fellow grumpy people who hide under the covers at least twice a week*

Even though Jay trusts the women, he's feeling not so safe tonight and raises his hand when Dimples asks who feels like they're on the chopping block. Handlebar raises her hand too - because she caught wind of Troyzan trying to vote her out via Jay. Cuddly Care Bear big mouth Jay. Handlebar felt a funky vibe back at camp and even though she felt safe before, during, and after the Immunity Challenge, something changed that made her more paranoid.

Speaking of paranoia, how do you keep paranoia from affecting your plans Prunes? "I look it in the eye Dimples. I look it in the eye and tell it how I feel. That's all you can do." Oh shut up. You didn't even answer his question.

Troyzan then brings up an interesting point which has been a long standing factor in another little game called Big Brother. Troyzan says he pays attention to who cheers for whom, who quits in challenges, and who applauds when someone goes out in a game. Those claps are very telling. Sharp staccato hints is what they are and Troyzan is very smart to pick up on them. I can't tell you how many late night BB conversations have been about this exact subject. You could spend hours analyzing what those claps mean.

Jugs cites some other hints to pay attention to - like shorts. Troyzan is wearing different shorts tonight. Shorts with pockets. Ooooh pockets! Pockets for Idols.

Speaking of Idols, Troyzan will be playing his tonight. He says some of the dumbest moves are when people get voted out with an Idol in their pocket. Troyzan isn't going out like that. He will not join that group. And save himself Troyzan does as Jay is the 9th person voted out of Survivor: One World.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? What was your reaction to everyone throwing the competition? Is Troyzan in trouble next week? Will any of the women ever turn on Handlebar? Is Tarzan playing a very clever game using what I like to call The Phillip Sheppard Method? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. Legend of Billie Jean is the name of the of my favorites. ;-)

  2. Great recap, as always. I'd just like to share a few of my observations from last night. 1. Dimples shirt at the immunity challenge was green! What's up with that? 2. Kay may not be as dumb as she's convinced us all. She actually kept their secret while drunk and talking to Jay - now that takes at least two brain cells working in unison! 3. Jay's an idiot. 4. Troyzan is the smartest man out there, but that's not saying much.
    I think Tarzan is intentionally employing the Phillip Sheppard Method. I don't know if it will get him far enough, but I don't think he expected to go this far so he's also just enjoying the ride the girls are giving him. I said in the beginning of the season the girls were going to run over the men. While they couldn't at first because they sucked at challenges, now that they are all mixed up they are doing exactly what I thought. I almost want to root for Kat now. No real reason, except for the not spilling the beans while drunk.

  3. *YAWN* Hate to say it, but last night’s episode was a real snoozer. I actually found my attention wandering from the show to a stupid slot machine computer game. I’m not sure what the point of playing slot machines at Facebook is (except maybe to avoid slipping into a boredom-induced coma?) It’s not like they are actually going to pull up in front of my house with a big cardboard check for my winnings…. Anyways, at least the women are pooling their collective brain cells in hopes of forming one complete functioning mind- they might just be able to pull it off and get rid of all the men, but I believe they will find a way to screw it up. I just find it hard to be invested in the remainder of this season when I really don’t give a rat’s ass who wins. They voted a somewhat interesting person off last night, although he did deserve it for being such a trusting sheep and not seeing how Handlebars was maliciously stroking her ‘stache right in front of his face. However, I did enjoy his wide-eyed naivety. I’ve completely lost interest in Troyzan, can’t tell you exactly why, I’m just not feeling the love anymore. Since I’ve not had the opportunity to visit Tarzan’s planet, I have a hard time associating with him and don’t like how he dissed Dimples last week-let’s just say I’m not enjoying his rantics much anymore. And, if I have to hear ‘the game is afoot’ one more time, I’m going to plant my afoot up his ass. Was that really Monica’s blouse he was wearing at tribal? But, none of the remaining idiots has really played well, so there’s no one to cheer for at this point. I’m hoping something – anything – interesting happens soon. I never thought I would say this, but Colton baby, I miss you.

    1. Yeah it was Monica's blouse. She tweeted that photo I stole.

  4. Could I please just say one thing about Prunes before I move on. Despite my dislike for her, there is no way I want her gone, your description of her play exceeds anything she's capable of. Love it.

    Could not agree more with her Immunity win, she should not be allowed to eat food, I bet Cha Cha never got to share any food. I am sure she believes she won the IC by her determination and will not to give in, despite every man and his dog dropping out for food. And how easy was it to convince Leif to drop out, it seemed too easy.

    When Troyzan revealed the ugly truth to Jay about the possibility of them getting played and Jay not accepting it for a moment, instead telling Kim he had the idol, it took me back to the hold Brenda had on Chase from Nicaragua. Now I know we get to see all confessionals and we know who is playing who, but surely couldn't Jay see that also, his confirmation with his make believe girl alliance on the beach would have suggested everything was not in fact "hunky dory" and his belief is coming just a few days after he told Chelsea he did not trust those girls, there just as likely to vote me out next.

    When Tarzan said at TC, everything will be fine if everyone sticks to the plan I was sure he was talking about the guys, but in fact somewhere down the line Handlebar has reeled him and Leif in, maybe that's the real reason he gave up in the IC and gave Prunes her well deserved and hard fought victory.
    Once again another great recap and your love for Prunes is so good and so meaningful too.

    PS: I had the perfect pic for Prunes' pouting from the reward challenge, it was just in a earlier folder. you would have loved it, I am sure.

  5. Worst. Survivor. EVER!!!!!

    1. Yeah, I think you might be right.

    2. Agreed. So dull last night. Too much time sitting around doing nothing.

    3. What do you mean this is way better than the last two seasons. Last two seasons had dominant teams that obliterated the other team,and then were so rock solid in their alliance they wouldn't even have casual conversation with the other teams. This year is far better, Jay getting Blindsided and Troyzan playing an idol to save himself was excellent gameplay by the women. Kim is one of the most brilliant Survivor strategists I've ever seen and she has everyone doing exactly what she wants right now. This season is great.

  6. Great recap as always. Speaking of missing some part of the story, what is the deal with Christina? Everybody, and I mean everybody, seems to hate her. Even Probst in a Q&A today said that she was the only person left who could not win the game because no one respects her. Am I missing something? Because I don't recall seeing her do anything particularly egregious. It just seems like she must be doing something wrong that we are not seeing. Frankly, she seems pretty harmless to me which is maybe why she has lasted for so long despite coming up in voting conversations all the time.

    1. Excellent point. Other than those first few days, it doesn't seem like ChaCha has done anything particularly annoying. I feel like there's a secret world we're being left out of.

  7. Kudos to Kim for changing tactics quickly upon hearing about Troyzan playing the idol. She and Sabrina changed their votes to Jay in the unlikely event that the misfits got together to vote out Kim.

    Now the girl alliance has one more person to get rid of to dominate the game. They are 4 solid with hangers on Cha Cha and Jugs. I'm surprised the those two haven't figured out they will finish 5th and 6th at best. Shouldn't they be trying to behead the 4 girl alliance while they still can? Next week is the last possible week to do so. But I've consistently overestimated the entire group's intelligence level.

    The final three will be Kim, Sabrina and Tarzan. Kim should win, but she's assuming Coasch's role from last season and Sabrina, by staying out of the way, might just win this thing after all.

  8. This game is stinking like week old dead fish. Surely ALL these people are not as boring as we are led to believe. Lala's sense is correct: there has got to be a shitton of stuff we are not seeing and therefore I am blaming this suckfest on fucked up editing and piss-poor storytelling.

    This season has been swapping spit with the Kiss of Death since Dimples' first no-show challenge and once Colton took his early exit because he had to go and have his gut ripped out in a Samoan clinic it all went downhill. Make us more villans!! Tell us why everyone dislikes ChaCha!!! Give us more poop-rantics!!! Let us in on the Tarzan secret...surely he is not completely off the wall...HE'S A FUCKING PLASTIC SURGEON. They don't let just anyone slice and dice! (Personally, I'm totally on board with the "playing-the -Phillip-Shepard-card" theory. I'm hoping that he voted for Jay just to get in with the girls and turn around and own them. But I'm not holding out MUCH hope at this point.) What's going on with Leif? Are they just overlooking him? <-- See what I just did there? :-)

    I don't know about y'all...but I'm ready for some serious powerplays or I may have to defect and go drool over Colby Donaldson on H2.

    PS: Props to our Head Bitch Lala for delivering a superb recap on a worse than subpar episode...again. All hail, HBL!

  9. EXCELLENT, Lala! One quick comment, though. When Tarzan lost the immunity challenge within microseconds of Jeff's announcement that it had begun, Jeff asked him "the feet?" but Tarzan heard "defeat?" This explains why he answered "failure." I had to replay it to be sure, but he definitely responds as if he heard "defeat" instead of "the feet." I think you're on to something. He is doing quite well playing the village idiot. Too well, in fact. :)

  10. now we know why prunes wears the ball cap to cover her eyes. apparently any accidental eye contact is a binding contract to her, as well as a possible marriage proposal. and does anyone else think lief is on some kind of drugs? glassy-eyed little lief. the way he bounds, jumps, and leprechauns himself when happy leads me to believe he's quite content assuming the role of clown to appease these assholes. i'm not sure why but it's quite uncomfortable watching him jump for joy like a 3 year.

  11. Due to the DIY challenge, the TITT ("throw-in-the-towel") challenge (you'd think that Jugs would have performed better in such a competition!), the continuing pattern of excessive food rewards (remember the days when Survivor was actually tough on contestants?), Prunes' bull shit, Handlebar's puppet mastership, and, above all, the males' incessant dimness, last night's episode was, relatively speaking, AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL! There is so much for us viewers to complain about; but I think that you covered it Lala!

    Handlebar is definitely running the show, but do not overlook Sabrina. To me, it seems that those two are really partners in all of this, but Sabrina, wisely, allows the sadistic Handlebar do all of the dirty work. Right now, Sabrina seems to be the best pick to win the c$sh.

    One more thing--I think that I solved at least one of the many voting mysteries. Last week, when ChaCha and Jugs voted for Tarzan for some initially unknown reason, they were probably working under orders from Handlebar (assuming that Handlebar is indeed the puppet master, then she probably had those two randomly vote for Tarzan, under the guise that the all-female alliance was not making its move). But do not ask me about what happened this week, with Tarzan voting for Jay for some reason!

    Here's to a better episode next week, heh? All we can do is hope.


  12. I think anyone who can't quote from Legend Of Billie Jean is a big weiner, just like Mr. Pyatt!

    Other than your blog the most interesting thing about this episode was that Dimples was wearing green. I sat on my couch with my earbuds in watching the first season of Survivor on YouTube barely glancing up to see who was voted out. I didn't know if I was just tired or if this episode was really that boring.

    Now I'm jonesing for some Binx and Putter...


  13. Yesterday I had a Survivor marathon and watched all of Season 8 - All Stars. It was so awesome. I wanted to cry because now the show has turned out so bad. I miss the casting, strategies, challenges, surviving (only given a machete, well w/unclean water and bucket to start) and twists that really made you gasp out loud, not roll your eyes. I'll still watch the show because these people are so stupid it's funny (painful, but funny) however I really wish Survivor would revisit those first seasons and go back to that formula. I'm also kind of tired of the whole island theme. Remember Africa and the Outback? That was cool. But hot girls in bikinis sell advertising, a group of people bundled up in cloths and blankets surviving Greenland isn't as glamorous.

    1. Word. Survivor 1, while also on a beach, was fresh and original. Africa and Outback, too...the castaways were HUNGRY! It was rad. We were treated to good characters, bad characters, villains, and heroes. Yeah, the cinamatography is stunning and I would LOVE to move to Samoa now, but shake it up a bit.

      I miss those Olden Survivor Days.

      More of that, please.

  14. In deference to "Mr. Sticky"(one of my favorites, Lala)here are a few random thoughts, who could put anything rational together after last night's mess?

    -Handlebar is running the show by default, the rest have discovered coca leaves in the jungle and are all hopped up, give me another explanation for being that dumb.

    -They now don't even care about "Immunity Challenges", they are all off playing their own game somewhere else that we do not see, it must have been a silent mutiny, Tarzan wearing a blouse?

    -Jay tells Handlebar that Troy has the Immunity Idol, he basically voted himself out.

    -Dimples tweeted some good info last night, he said they shoot 250 hours for the 1 hour show, imagine what the other 249 hours must look like. He said he was getting a pedicure while the non-structure challenge was on, so you were partially correct about the big toe, Lala. Those into foot fetishes will be happy.

    -Like someone said before me, there is one last chance next episode for some action, let's have a group pray, something has to happen!

    -If nothing happens, I'm on my way to re-runs of the absolute best reality show of all time: "Moonshiners"! Much more at stake there, the possibility of arrest or explosions. We could check Lala, a little Juniper berry thrown into the mash would make the best moonshine gin you ever had, but you are going to tell me that you already have a jug in your fridge next to the coconuts. LOL

  15. Jay is not dumb. He trusts the women b/c I bet in his real life they never betrayed him or lied to him. And we all know why.

    1. Good point. But he may feel differently after this experience.


  16. Great recap! You're back to your old form and I loved it! It would be great to see the women continue to work together for once. It seems like they always implode at some point. Maybe they'll stick together this time until they have to start taking out one another. That would be a nice change...wouldn't it?

  17. I have a feeling that Colton gave Christine his immunity idol before he left, remember she was comforting him while he was suffering, if I'm right I can't wait to see Jug's face if she uses it.

    1. That would be the greatest event this season. But don't use it on Jugs get Handlebar off her bike (LOL)
      Man I would love that, her face would just explode.

    2. You really think that would happen and they wouldn't show it? Plus, do you remember the confessional he did after , saying that she was just trying to save his ass? I remember, b/c I was thinking, "what an ungrateful dick."

      Also, on a side note, they auction off all that stuff at the end of Survivor. I would be surprised if they actually let him keep it as a souvenir.

    3. I agree with Alisha. They'd definitely air something like that if it happened.

    4. I agree with you Rumpole. I have always felt that Colton gave the idol to Christina, just so he could throw a wrench into the works and take us all completely by surprise.

  18. OMG! Lala, you made a sub-par episode of infinite to the nth degree of "blah-blah-blah" actually interesting. I watched -- or rather, listened -- while playing a hot game of scrabble against the computer on my iPad (far more interesting than the episode. Glad you do these glitter-encrusted recaps! Keeps me interested.

  19. It was slightly entertaining to watch the wheels turn and hear the gears grinding. Thinking in this group is a new experience and the first successful trip when learning to drive a manual transimission isn't pretty.

    It's not easy to anticipate who will do what, or why? Consider the options, eliminate really bad ideas, then add those back in as possible. I witnessed a game of checkers transformed into an imaginary chess game.

    I was pleased to hear about the split vote, but we still don't know how they persuaded some guys to pull it off. A pure all girl alliance didn't have the numbers to do so.

    I didn't notice who voted for who at the show closing. If it was Tarzan and Leif, no surprise. They couldn't man up and do anything against all girl vote. Another week of anyone but me is fine. Jay was so far out in his thoughts, who could really understand? Not me. Troyzan would have been an idiot to not play his idol even without all the pre tribal juggling. Why did he tell Jay he had one?

    I've forgotten who else knows about Kim's idol. Ball Cap? She was confident in the defectors or she should have played hers to defend against a failed split vote for Jay and Troyzan.

    OK Lala, the Tarzan theory adds a new hallucination to spice things up. I was wondering weeks ago why he's even there at all. He may or may not be a plastic surgeon. Was it ever factually verified that Phillip was an ex G-man? Yes, Tarzan borrowed some fashion tips with his saggy briefs. I'm glad you pointed out the red blouse, that's funny. Let's imagine Tarzan isn't there for the show money. Maybe he's got a lot of tax free gambling bucks on the table away from the show. Wanna bet?

    I'm not sure why I missed the first challenge and the details, or Dimples absence. I might have been blending glitter or pondering belly button lint as a sculpting material.

    So, I'm left wondering why you are hiding your interludes with Dimples. His infant eye dyed shirt at tribal seemed sparkly to me. He was either sipping nipple gin from your glittery breasts or went backstage at a Rhinestone Cowboy concert. Someone else noticed sparkly shirt Dimples in a previous show. A comment said it was raindrops. It wasn't raining on this tribal. Fess up.

    What can happen next? I have no idea. The path of least resistance is most logical. That leaves me at a disadvantage. Thanks again Lala for not deriving from your promise to spit shine a turd. I had crabs once, yours sounds like more fun. I'm inspired to create a new imaginary friend with my Mr. Sticky.

  20. Bring back God and the Pretty Pony to Indonesia. I don't even care if we have to go back to Rhode Island. This game has become more boring than I thought it was then. At least then we had the damn Pony! We got nuthin now. They give them food every damn day; nobody's starving and STILL they have only half a thought between them! Bring back the pig testicles I say!
    Survivor has become a game for sissies. I mean, look at you, Lala...putting glitter on CRABS, and making a deal with Tarzan for new boobs. Don't let him fool you; he is NO Philip Sheppard, Lala; he just got hold of Philip's panties the same way he got hold of that red shirt!

  21. Since Tarzan's bio includes his hobbies, two of which are
    the study of primates and bugs, maybe he considers
    Survivor the ultimate science project. I really don't think
    he is putting us on. Surgeons aren't known for their
    people skills, and many are egomaniacs. Whenever I see
    Tarzan I think "Merry Pranksters", and can easily picture
    him riding around in that purty ole bus.
    Ms. Lala, thanks again for bringing so much gin and glitter
    into the world.

  22. Let's see... Tarzan sensed that the women were ganging up against the men, so he helped vote out one of the guys. Great move, Tarzan. Apparently, either Tarzan's speed-o or his alter ego, you know, the one wearing the Wilma Flinstone outfit, who, incidentally, has aligned herself with the women, might be doing his thinking for him.

    Is Tarzan the evil genius playing the Phillip Sheppard method? I don't know, but you don't become a plastic surgeon by being a dummy. One thing is for sure, I'm being reminded an awful lot of Phillip's junk. Ughh!

  23. I was more excited than I should be when I found out you shop at my store. If you are ever in southeast PA hit up my store.

    Anyways great blog as usual. I know I don't comment anymore here or on BN but i'm just too busy.. I always read though!!

    ps: thanks for the bday wishes

  24. Hey Cha Cha you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind hey Cha Cha!!!

    No, but seriously, Cha Cha is part of my naughty conscious, forever and always.

    Jugs doesn't deserve to be in this game. I hate her because without any evidence, I already know that she's one of those girls who says "Say AL-EE-SEE-UH cause my name isn't AL-LISH-UH". If I were hosting this contest I would purposely mess her name up and sentence her to a life of people getting her name wrong only to prove the point that it doesn't REALLY bother her as long as she's getting attention and that she's been spouting BS her entire life.

    Prunes, you total and absolute cunt. You're a horrible person and you've proved it by pretending you're upset about the decision while telling Handlebar "I'm down". You're also a terrible person for using your fake tits to seduce a clearly inferior man into giving you the immunity idol.

    Jay, dude, man, bra, dude... I had my money on you to win this fucker... My last bit of hope lies in Troyzan because obviously Tarzan is a shoe in for 3rd.

    Handlebar is not playing this game well, Troyzan saw her move coming a mile away, however poor stupid Jay didn't even see it coming after Troyzan told him.

    Cha Cha, I'm counting on your hot smokin sexy ass to take control of this game and come in second.

    As I see it now, the challenges will shift soon in order keep a couple men in the game because the pendulum has obviously swang in favor for the women as of this point.

    It's probably going to be Handlerbar, Troyzan and Tarzan in the final 3. The producers won't want to split up the 2 lesbians so Prunes is our wildcard.

  25. " Jay asks, "So we're cool? Can we make that set and not derive from it?"

    That says it all. It's deviate, dumbass!

    That said, my better half pointed out Handlebar has some serious competition for the best female mustache this year. Her theory is that young women must be plucking upper lip hair, and thus their body produces darker hairs to sprout out.

    She bases this theory on the fact her younger sister decided to shave upper lip hair when she was very young, and developed hair growth that required daily shaving the remainder of her life. True story!

    Your description of the episode was far better than what we were forced to endure, Lala.

  26. Personally, I think that Tarzan is trying to come out of the cross-dressing closet and this is particularly hard on an island with a limited selection of women's apparel. His constant flaunting of eye-scaring bikini underwear should have been an obvious clue. All this time he has been forced to hand out boobs to random strangers when all he really wanted was his very own pair. Surely, Lala, you can empathize. Next week we may see him with coconut prosthetic devices and then we will know for sure.

  27. Y chromosome said...April 16, 2012 at 12:16 PM

    Remember earlier this season when the women were fighting among themselves and screwing up challenges? When Kat frolicked in the sea instead of manoeuvring across a log and and when Chelsea and Alicia took 3 years to assemble a puzzle designed for 9-14 year-olds? Some of your readers even declared themselves ashamed on behalf of their gender.

    Quite the turnaround, huh?

    Well, I'm not saying I am ashamed on behalf of my entire gender, but I will say that I am ashamed for every man, everywhere. Never have I seen a collective of male castaways so genuinely clueless about the game.

    Changing subject; I have two theories. Let me run them up the flagpole and see if they burn.

    Theory one:

    The more boring the episode or the dumber the behaviour of the castaways, the better your blog. As evidence Your Honour, I submit this week's excellent blog in addition to "Quit being such a dumb broad" and "Stay Close to Me". I'm pretty sure I have a prima facie case at least.

    Theory Two:

    This theory attempts to address the hinky editing we're getting this season. Are the editors bending over backwards in order to mitigate an unsatisfying conclusion?

    A conclusion such as Christina winning?

    Ahem. Are you done laughing? May I continue?

    Thank you. I submit the following evidence, Your Honour:

    1. All season long we've heard multiple castaways characterise Christina as annoying, yet she has not been depicted as annoying to we, the viewers (I know they're not viewers - free weiner offer!) despite the fact that there HAS to be footage showing why she is at least perceived that way. Typically, winners are not presented in a negative light.

    2. Remember when we were shown Colton calling Christina a cockroach? That's kind of her storyline, isn't it? A cockroach that survives the maelstrom while more prominent creatures (Colton, Michael... Kim?) fall.

    3. Kim's edit screams "Winner" a little too loudly. In addition, some of her confessionals lately have displayed a smugness that I don't think we would be seeing if she does indeed win.

    4. The animal imagery this season has consisted almost entirely of two creatures: sleeping bats and scurrying rats - and it is the women's alliance that has been associated with most of the shots. It suggests a coup in the offing. Suppose the final three consists of Christina, Alicia and Tarzan. That would go a long way towards explaining this season's editing. Can Christina and Alicia work together? Maybe the fact that they are able to overcome their initial animosity is why said animosity was played up so much earlier.

    The prosecution rests. What say you?

    You're summarily dismissing the case, Your Honour? The evidence is entirely circumstantial, you say? Well, in truth, I sort of agree. My client is rich and often mounts spurious cases just for the fun of it. I apologize for wasting the Court's time.

    It would be fun to see Kim or Prunes knifed though. Even if that doesn't happen, my faithful woman's intuition tells me there may yet be a twist in this tawdry tropical tale.

  28. This was a lame episode that I fast forwarded the dvr through. Survivor only works if you have people of some degree of intelligence and this season has very few intelligent or at least perceptive people. The producers have had to manipulate this game way to much to keep it going. The men's team would have won every challenge so they manipulated the teams. But, still had the same problem. The players aren't playing this season. The producers are controlling the outcome here. Very lame group of survivors.

  29. I'm so sparkly after tonight's episode I can read a porn magazine outside in the darkness.

    I can't wait to see how Lala expresses it. One of the best shows in the history of Survivor. Finally. A laugh a minute and nobody on the Island would know why.

  30. Survivor has become a game for sissies. I mean, look at you, Lala...putting glitter on CRABS, and making a deal with Tarzan for new boobs. Don't let him fool you; he is NO Philip Sheppard, Lala; he just got hold of Philip's panties the same way he got hold of that red shirt!