Thursday, May 10, 2012

Hell To The No


What do spears, battle axes, crossbows, swords, and microbes have in common? They are all violent weapons used in the pursuit of wealth and power. Way back when in the olden timey days of the Middle Ages, knights and foot soldiers would hurl either sharp pieces of metal or teeny tiny microorganisms at one another. In a world where microscopes didn't even exist yet, a soldier knew the power of the protozoa. Late at night, while the castle slept, scientifically savvy soldiers would fling a diseased corpse over the castle walls and then, giggling in their suits of armor and sigils, they'd sit and wait for the magic to happen. Oh, it wouldn't be an immediate magic. Nor would it be a bloody magic. But eventually, little devil microbes, or pathogens, would squirrel themselves out of the rotting corpse and into an innocent lady in waiting. After what I assume was a lengthy gestation period, said lady would cough, gasp, and then fall over and die. Protozoa power, activate! In more recent years, microbes, or microglobules if you will, are still used as weaponry. Scary, creepy, "Is that dried blood in your panties?" weaponry. The goals are still the same: wealth and power (plus $500 for new shocks) and the road to victory is long, arduous, and full of hair. Thank god it's almost over. Let's recap, shall we?

The night is dark and full of terrors. A fire crackles in the foreground as we find our street urchin people musing about Kat's ironically sardonic exit. A pruney southern drawl from underneath a crusty hat begins the scene, "Oh mah gawd. When she said it'd be funnay. Oh mah gawd." A nicknameless Sabrina nods in agreement and shouts, "Ironic!" Tarzan (Greg), however, thinks to himself how silly these womenfolk are. They should have gotten rid of him instead. And now, he and his subplot are free to squirm their way into the top three.


But first, he has to make it to the top four. Tarzan pulls aside Handlebar (Kim) and advises that she take Jugs (Alicia) and ChaCha (Christina) to the end with her. Jugs isn't well liked and, well, no one will vote for ChaCha. Handlebar likes the plan, but worries whether or not she can trust Jugs to take her to the end. Tarzan assures her of Jugs' loyalty, but warns her against the evil Prunes (Chelsea). Prunes is Handlebar's biggest threat and it would serve her well to kick her to the curb sooner rather than later. Sounds good to me!


Just as Handlebar is worried about Jugs' loyalty, Jugs is worried about Handlebar's loyalty. The great mediator Tarzan poo-poo's away Jugs' worries and promises to hype her up for a win once he gets on the jury. Tarzan is a man with a plan, a segmented plan. A) Don't be the first one voted off. B) Make it to the merge. 3) Get to see his wife. D) Go on a panty raid. If he gets from A to D and still doesn't win the million dollars, no skin off his hide. His Jeep will pay the ultimate price, not him. No shocks for you, Jeep! 

The sun rises on another day and we find Prunes in quiet contemplation. In quiet contemplation is how I like my Prunes. Silent like the dead. Quiet like a corpse. Maybe we can get Jugs' sister Leticia to kick Prunes in the voice box. It's just an idea. Alright, so Prunes is sitting around watching insects devour one another when it occurs to her that the game is all tied up right now. 3 to 3. 3 for them. 3 for me.  Being that it's Even Steven means that someone needs to leave one threesome and join another. And who better than ChaCha? "If ah pull outta r'ward, I thank ya need ta eet," she tells ChaCha. "That's so sweet," ChaCha replies.


Once Prunes has reeled in ChaCha with promises of sustenance, she switches gears and tells ChaCha that Tarzan absolutely cannot get to the final three. With all of those men on the jury, he'll surely get all of the votes. Prunes also thinks that ChaCha is in an alliance with Jugs and Tarzan, but ya know, that's just her talking out loud. La dee da.


So Prunes la dee da's herself away while ChaCha scurries back to camp and reports all that she's heard. "I just had an interesting talk with Prunes," ChaCha says. Handlebar's mustache turns up in anger at the thought of Prunes once again doing more damage than good. If only Handlebar could get her to shut up. Call Leticia, Handlebar! I've got her number right here... 555.KICK "If Prunes wins an award she'll take me, but she thinks that I'm in an alliance with Jugs and Tarzan. I think she wants me to join the other alliance." Handlebar strokes her goatee in a panic. Has Prunes blown her cover?! She's worked for 30 some odd days fooling these chuckleheads and for Prunes to ruin it all with her big mouth would be a nightmare for her.


The second she's able to get away, Handlebar runs over to Prunes and tells her that ChaCha blurted out their whole conversation. Prunes whines, "Shut uuuuup! That makes me want to kick ChaCha's ass." Why? Because you were a big mouth butting in where you don't belong? Because you are single handedly unwittingly dismantling all of the hard work that Handlebar has done? I'm telling you if Prunes was out of the picture, Handlebar could spend her days waxing her 'stache and eating coconuts. 99% of her game play is fixing Prunes' big ass whiny mouth mistakes.


And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. For today's challenge, you will race to release a disk by spinning around it. Once you're good and dizzy, you'll race to another station to do it all over again. Once you've collected all three disks, you will use them to form a decoder. Then, you will use the decoder to give you three numbers to solve a combination box. The winner will get to go on a yacht where they'll get a shower, cocktails, a three course meal (more damn food!), and a bed to sleep in for the night. Survivors ready, go.


Spin, spin, spin. The Oceanic Six run in circles around their disk stations. To everyone's surprise, Sabrina gets her disk free first followed by Handlebar, Jugs, Prunes, and ChaCha. The dizzy ditzes move on to their next post where... spin, spin, spin... Sabrina is once again in the lead. Prunes and Jugs keep a close pace with Sabrina, but we all know that Sabrina will give out any second now. Things like challenges, competition, work, strategy, game play, etc aren't really Sabrina's forte. She's a nice enough lady, but let's face it. Bo-ring!


Spin, spin, spin... as predicted, it's Sabrina's nap time which gives Handlebar, Jugs, and Prunes a chance to catch up. With everyone at the decoder station, we hear it. That whine. That infernal incessant whine. She only talks in whines. Ever. "Dimplesssss I thank I 'ave itttt." Whine, whine, moan, moan. *burble* Prunes wins, but I'm not giving her any exclamations points like I usually do. The only way I'll decorate her name with punctuation is if the words "dead" or "voted off" are in the sentence.

And now it's time for Prunes to pick two people to join her. ChaCha leans over and picks up her backpack. She's ready to go! Kindly direct her to the yacht Prunes. "Fair is fair. Ah pick Sabrina an' ah pick Handlebar. Fair is fair!" ChaCha looks around herself in confusion. Jugs catches her eye and does a pantomime of a throat being slit. Now everyone is confused! Does Jugs mean her deadly mimes for Prunes or ChaCha? Knowing Jugs, she means everyone.


Rest easy ChaCha. Out of all the yachts in the world, that's the last yacht you want to end up on. First off, you're trapped on it with Prunes. Secondly, you end up in a cult. What I like to call The Cult Of No Personality. Look in their eyes, what do you see? The cult of no personality. I know your anger. I know your dreams. I've been everything you want to be. I'm the cult of no personality.


Back at camp, Jugs is fit to be tied. She's livid! *thwack!* There goes a tree she kicked. *harump!* That's the sound of a boulder being thrown into the ocean. *spernickle!* And that there is the sound of crab legs being pulled off of a dolphin. That whimper you hear is Tarzan crying. Oh Jesus, batten down the hatches! "She said she was going to pick fair like she plays the game?! And then she picks Handlebar?!? Oh hell no! That's not fair! And she told you she was going to pick you! That's not fair!" With anger in the breeze and assault on her mind, Jugs wants to make sure that she, Tarzan, and ChaCha are all on the same page as to whom they vote out next. "We're voting Prunes if she doesn't win the next Immunity." *glitter falls from the sky*

At home I put up some streamers, aimed a flashlight at the disco ball over my bed, and retrieved two giant bowls of glitter from the refrigerator. Try chilling your glitter the next time you dunk. Nippleicious!

So Jugs wants to force Handlebar to pick a side and stand by her word. Tarzan suggests that if Handlebar comes back from the Reward suggesting they vote out one of their own, then they'll know she's turned. Furthermore, Tarzan believes that Prunes and Handlebar are their biggest threat in the game. They'll easily win over Jugs and ChaCha in the final three and, most likely, they're working together as a team. Tarzan sneaks in a little, "So, you know, you should probably just take me to the final three." *smacks self in panties on head* Subtlety Tarzan, subtlety! A little grace please. Some dignity. Jugs is a loose cannon who needs to be finessed into making a decision. When she's leaking battery acid like she is right now, it's best to back away slowly and duck from her nipple darts.

*pew pew go the nipple darts* Jugs turns to ChaCha, "Do you want to sit next to him *points to Tarzan* or Handlebar in the final three?" ChaCha demurely replies, "I think him." "Alright then, it's Prunes or Handlebar," Jugs declares. Look at that! Jugs is taking charge and making some swift moves. Good on her! I always knew she had the will to disembowel and bleed her victims dry so it stands to reason that she'd be sneaky and try to take out the strongest player. This is gonna be so good. I can't wait!

Another day is gone and today Tarzan has awoken with a hunger that only some coconut steeped in buff sweat can satiate. Today he's a making a meal fit for a king. Screw the women! He's gonna prepare his coconuts like he likes him. Dipped, trimmed, and boiled tender. Then, after he's done with breakfast, he'll do some laundry in a poo bath and wash his hair in the food pot. He may be defeated later in the day by someone of the opposite sex so it's best he enjoys what time he has left in a manly way. Staring at the coconuts bobbing up and down in a boiling pot of buffs, Jugs declares, "I can make that better!" "I'm making it how I like it, not how you like it," Tarzan murmurs. "But that's a dirty buff!" "I've had inner bowels in my bare hands," Tarzan replies. Huh? *scratches head*

That's it. That's all it took. Jugs' pendulous breasts have now swung back in the opposite direction as she tells Handlebar about Tarzan's plan to discover whether or not she's a traitor. *puts glitter bowls back in refrigerator* I hate these people! I hate them all! How hard is it to make a decision a stick with it. Especially a decision that benefits me. I don't mean to be selfish, but it's all about me! I can't deal with a Sisters Grim final three. I can't! *holds one of Jugs' nipple darts to throat* I'll cut myself. I will!


Jugs not only tells Handlebar everything Tarzan has up his sleeve, but she also tells her how Tarzan is going to sway the jury to vote for Jugs to win. Handlebar replies, "He told me the same thing!" The two stare into each other's twinkling eyes and nod. They now know what they have to do. They have to not get Tarzaned. In this particular situation, "getting Tarzaned" means letting Tarzan get to the end with ChaCha. Jugs' reply to that idea is -"Hell no! Hell to the no!" And then she went off on some ghetto Puerto Rican (her words, not mine) tangent about how she's the queen of the social game and the most powerful player ever. The social game in the ninth ring of hell? The most powerful player of a game of nipple darts? I'm not sure where Jugs thinks she is, but it's not here in crappy Survivor: One World.

And here we are at the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, you will use fish hooks to pick up bags of puzzle pieces. You will then use the pieces to complete a puzzle in the shape of a fish skeleton. To make it a little more interesting, you'll do it with one hand tied behind your back. Survivors ready, go!


The Survivors gingerly scoop up their fish hooks and teeter over their respective puzzle bags. Handlebar hooks hers first with Jugs right behind her. The other Survivors quickly follow suit and, with Prunes in last place, they begin to complete the lowest section of the fish. This is a challenge we've seen before, isn't it? Little flickers of a past Survivor season are flashing in my brain. Did a man win it? A douchey man perhaps. Help me out Survivor wizards and let me know in the comments.

So anyhow, pick, pick, pick, the fish continue to grow and it's shaping up to be a battle between Jugs and Handlebar. Only, hold up! The swift and stealthy hands of a surgeon have come to play. Tarzan deftly places bone after bone. But then he tries to attach cockles and marzipan and falls behind again. *sigh* Oh well, good effort Tarzan.


In the end, it's a win we're not sure we wanted... JUGS WINS IMMUNITY!!! I mean, I'm glad it's not Prunes or Handlebar, but Jugs isn't thinking straight anymore. She's living in a parallel universe and telling all of her secrets to the one girl sure to beat her... Handlebar. Maybe someone will boil some socks in with the dinner and change her mind again. Fingers crossed.

Back at camp, Jugs is doing the Jugs happy dance. It involves a lot of shoulder shimmying and goes, "Look at me now! Look at me now!" The dance is suddenly interrupted with a burly cry of, "You bitch! I should have won that. That wasn't even athletic!" *sighs and shakes head* It's Tarzan. It's weirdo loud mouthed Tarzan spitting "Bitch" in a tribe of women. I gazed forlornly at the refrigerator door as I knew deep down inside that I wouldn't be taking out my bowls tonight.

I then sat with my chin in my hand and dipped a couple of Lexapros into my gin while Jugs went on a power trip on my TV. "This is all about me! I control three votes! What I say, goes!" No, no, no. You do not control three votes. You control one vote. You're like a scullery maid thinking she's the Lady of the house. It drives me crazy when these Idol holders or Challenge winners think they are omnipotent. Cra-zy!

So while Jugs is busy beating on her own jugs, Handlebar is telling her sheeple that she's convinced Jugs to get rid of Tarzan tonight. Sabrina stares up into Handlebar's blue eyes and is completely mesmerized. Lapis pools of magic. Robin's egg orbs of deliciousness. Sabrina's own eyes are merely spinning pin wheels as she hypnotically nods and laughs at all Handlebar has to say. "Oh you did? Ha ha ha!" *laughter tinkles on the breeze* That's all Sabrina does... tinkle laughter.

Handlebar then moves on to Prunes. Probably in a preemptive strike to get her to keep her mouth shut, Handlebar tells Prunes that she might be on the chopping block tonight. Prunes replies meekly, "Or I could play your Idol." Handlebar sits in stony silence for a second and then replies, "It depends on how I'm feeling." Oh snap! Go find your own Idol, Prunes. Mooch. Prunes stares off into the distance when a wandering ChaCha enters into frame. Prunes lips go thin as she furrows her brow, "I cayn't ba-leave she'll be here longa than me!" It infuriates Prunes that ChaCha does nothing yet lives to see another day in the game. Fair is fair! *eye roll* One of these days, when I care, someone will have to inform me what exactly it is that Prunes has done to merit staying over ChaCha.


So while Prunes is frowning and Jugs is gloating, Tarzan is left to stew in his own thoughts and put on lady clothes. When in doubt, go Phillip Sheppard. I knew it was an act! Have you ever noticed that when the tides get rough and the chatter thickens, Tarzan is just around the corner pulling out some whacky stunt? And here he stands, right before the vote, with crusty panties on his head and a woman's bloodied tank top on asking, "What? Oh this old thing! Those microbes are long and dead by now. Now watch me do the flamenco." I'm telling you, it's phony. Phony baloney. Jugs watches Tarzan hitching up his petticoats and wonders to herself if maybe she should just get rid of him. Is Handlebar playing her? Is Tarzan playing her? Oh hell, she'll just vote them both out because in JugsLand she has infinity votes.

And now we arrive at Tribal Council. Dimples turns to Sabrina and very seriously asks her if she's surprised she's made it this far. Sabrina replies that she is not surprised. Not only that, she can still win! Ha! Rrrright.

Dimples then asks Tarzan how he's still around and Tarzan replies, "Only by the grace of panties... errr, I mean God. The grace of God." Dimples presses him for specifics and, to my surprise, Tarzan candidly admits to helping the women getting rid of the men. Some Carson Daly looking dude on the jury gives him the finger while another guy crawls out of a tree stump and asks, "Oh, we're still playing?" Yeah I know, they're a memorable bunch.


Tarzan goes on and confesses that tonight might be his last night, but if anyone wants to take him to the end. Great! He'll go. Plus, who'd vote for a millionaire to win. Hold up. Rewind. Who would vote for a millionaire to win? Did Tarzan just say he was a millionaire? Monopoly money doesn't count Tarzan! Nor do those chocolate covered coins you keep in the treasure chest at the foot of your bed. I've seen your Jeep (scroll up). A millionaire would buy that hunk of junk some parts... and wheels and such.

All in all, Tarzan is simply misunderstood. "The crusty panties and this blood here *licks bloody spot as crowd groans* nothin' but microbes! And I know everything about microbes. They don't! Bacteria, fungi, algae, protozoa. You name it, I've wrestled with it." As this is a man who operates regularly on marine life, I'm inclined to agree that he's worked with algae before. How do you suppose he does his hair transplants. Algae, bitches! Grows like the thicket on Handlebar's upper lip.


Dimples then asks Jugs about everyone's reaction to whom Prunes picked to join her on the Reward. Jugs says it was fair to pick Sabrina, but not so fair to pick Handlebar. Just look at Kat, delicious candy coated with perfect hair Kat, who picked who she liked and then got sent home! From the jury section, Kat, sleek in her bob, mutters my favorite line... "Bitches."


Bitches indeed! Alright, let's vote another bitch out, shall we? I could have crossed my fingers for a Prunes vote, but we all kind of knew the panty raid had finally come to an end. Tarzan is the 13th person voted out of Survivor: One World.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Did you want Tarzan to go home? Why does Jugs think she can beat Handlebar? Will everyone fight to take ChaCha to the end? Finally, who do you want to win Survivor: One World? My vote goes to Horatio.

Speaking of votes, it's time to vote for your Favorite Player. The Bitchy Survivor Blog officially endorses Nina Acosta and here's why: She's a fan of the blog, she went out looking like a zombie, and she's holding a gun to my head right now. Just give her the $100K dammit. I want to live to blog the Philippines.

And, if you've enjoyed what I've done here this season, I ask that you please click on my PayPal button and show a bitch some love. I know it hasn't been the best of seasons, but hopefully I've spread a little joy and tinkled all over it with glitter.

Monday's finale blog will be up later than usual so look for it sometime in the evening. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!



26 comments:

  1. I could have sworn I saw Prunes headed north on I-95 on Tuesday (I'm in Maryland) It was a white BMW convertible, petite blond driver that looked like Chelsea - and here's the clincher, she was wearing a camouflaged baseball cap.

    She may have been heading up to NYC for pre-finale taping.

    Anyway - that was another boring episode, with absolutely nothing worth commenting on. I never once dipped my balls into glitter, but I did have a couple shots of Bourbon to mix with my Zoloft.

    As always - Lala makes it better
    MD in MD

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  2. The immunity challenge was from Redemption Island. I had to check to see who won it, but it was Ashley. They blindsided Grant in that episode.

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  3. I don't understand why they continue to make plans to get Handlebar or Prunes out but they keep letting Handlebar or Prunes in on the plans. These miserable excuse for survivor contestants have absolutely no game!!

    Was Kat crying because Tarzan wore her crusty undies on his head?

    Another great blog Colette!!

    P

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  4. I'm no Survivor Wizard, but wasn't the Fishbone challenge on the first Redemption Island season (the one Rob finally won after flunking "Survivor School" 11 times? Really, CBS could've just written him a check and moved on without putting him on a season. Did he really have to go through the motions? Snore. IhateRob!) and Ashley won immunity?

    And I am SO with you on the Prunes thing. I can't believe she made it to the finale. Will Kim just stick a fork in her please? I'm done! Been done for quite a while. She is so sanctimonious and hypocritical. "fayer is fayer!" She's just so yucky!

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    1. Prunes is a Medical Sales Rep which is another name for a Pharma Girl. Which means if she doesn't marry a rich doctor the medical/pharma company will kick her to the curb when she is 40 and she will be selling suppositories to hospitals. Sorry, but I think some doctor will enjoy giving her his suppository and they will raise little whiny Southern belles and Citadel grads together.

      Here is a guy who also noticed a lot of RealityTV hotties are/were Pharma Girls:

      http://www.edrugsearch.com/edsblog/top-10-pharma-girls-of-reality-tv/

      Whether you like Chelsea or not, she deserves to be on the list after she is voted off.....hopefully soon.

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  5. Are we missing something? Are Juggs, ChaCha and Sabrina going to unite in a triad of the weak and make a move against Kim? Someone has to takedown the Queen. Taking Chelsea down will only give Kim a chance to manipulate one of the weak and/or dominate immunity challenges.

    Keeping Tarzan around probably was dangerous. Who knows if he could stick with a voting bloc or would he have shifted next week for no other reason than he his unpredictable. I am not convinced he would have gotten the votes of the male jury members as evidenced by the finger. He probably had an opening, but didn't play it well and become Juggs' trusty bosom-buddy. It's hard to play the anti-social game because at some point you have to be trusted. Boston Rob trusted Phillip. Also, can playing crazy or being crazy really win you the game? Phillip seemed genuinely crazy and so did Tarzan. Waiting for the final three survivor who played crazy and says ha-ha got ya. I was only fooling!

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  6. If you think about, this season actually has a lot in common with Survivor: Redemption Island. Handlebar is Rob, Tarzan is Phillip Sheppard, that fish challenge is featured in both, and the (likely) winner of the game effortlessly dominated a season with a weak field of contestants. I am obligated to give Handlebar credit, just like I did for Rob; but, COME ON! This is way too easy. The nitwits around her are practically delivering the million to Handlebar's doorstep, first-class. And I have a suspicion that she might have even thrown that last challenge, not wanting to reveal just how in-control she really is (notice how long it took her to retrieve that last bag with the hook).

    Other than her facial hair, Handlebar has shown that she cares about appearances--she wants to entirely control the game, but be somewhat devious and inconspicuous about it. Though I do not like her, she does deserve to win. But the jury is bound to expose her to some extent, so, if Handlebar takes Sabrina and Chelsea to the end (which would be a relatively poor selection) maybe Sabrina can pull off the upset. If I had my way, then that would be the scenario. We'll have to see on Sunday.

    The odds for the win: Handlebar 85%, Sabrina 14.9999%, Prunes .0001%, Jugs 0%, Cha Cha 0%

    J-Bird

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    1. I also thought Kim threw the challenge and I'll be the first to throw out she may have offered to share some of the winning cash with the dimwits, needless to say she will never pay up.

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  7. Prunes looked so different after that shower on the yacht. I kept looking at her post-shower scene with the camera guy and saying to myself, "She looks so much better encrusted in dirt." I guess the inner hillbilly in me was attracted to her dirty, dirty layer of filth, nail-on-a-chalkboard twang and blacken, microbe-infested fingernails.

    And for whom am I rooting in the finale? No one. But I am rooting for a tie. A sweet, delicious tie vote for the winner (presumably between Handlebars and Prunes). But that might be wishful thinking, as most of the men probably will vote for Handlebars and her mustache out of respect for that much testosterone.

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  8. Clearly, Prunes deserves to still be around because she has her face jammed further up Handlebars ass than ChaCha does. Pretty simple, and revolting. I don't know how Prunes can justify her existance when she hasn't done a single damn thing the whole season but piss and moan. She only won the spinning dizzy reward challenge because she walks around in a permanent state of vertigo anyways.

    I hope they don't let the whole team of people who dream up challenges on extended holiday again next season. We just saw the fish skeleton thing last season or the one before. And how lame, the contestants didn't even have to put the 'fish bones' in size order, just jam em in there.

    And yes, poor Kat was crying because Tarzan fashioned a headband out of her grungies. Not sure why that merited tears, but in Candyland, apparently it counts.

    Colette - thanks for making this sucky season still funny!! I'll show a bitch some love via Paypal on Monday, after I get paid (grin)

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  9. Didn't get to see the Big Show last night. Turns out too many unwatched episodes of "Two Broke Girls" and "History of Vodka" have rendered my DVR impotent. Knew I could count on Lala to entertainmentize the few high points there may have been, though.

    I'll probably skip the finale due to anticipated lack of drama and presence of the Fallen Heroes segment, where everybody says nice things about the people they've hated/forgotten about for 39 days.

    I may catch the reunion show just to see Kim get her check and Colton get booed. And the tease for next season is always interesting. As much as I may complain about the survivors, the challenges, the same old same old, I know I'll be back in September.

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    1. Perhaps they can revive the fallen survivor walk of remembrance where every terminated survivor is represented by a grave-like signpost. The ladies can then urinate on each one on there walk to the final tribal council. I would watch that. On second thought, I wouldn't even be interested in that final either.

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  10. All of the running during challenges must have had one of Jugs' jugs hit her head one to many times. It's the only explanation to her delusions of being able to beat Handlebar. Only bad luck can hurt Handlebar's chances now...

    Time for a better job of finding strong competitors CBS...

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  11. I believe Tarzan earned the "California Howdy" for admitting he helped the women vote off all the guys.

    Thanks again Lala for your summary which was WAY more entertaining than the actual episode. And yes, Kat muttering "Bitch" was truthfully the only memorable part of it.

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  12. I think Tarzan decided to get a little strategic and show some signs of intelligence one vote too early.
    Can you just imagine if he kept quiet and Prunes was now pruning at Ponderosa, well the Glitter Bowls would be all empty and we would all be singing "Joy to The World"

    If the season and it's predictability continue, then Handlebar will surely be sitting in the final Tribal Council. The confrontation Troyzan has with her would be something special I would hope.

    I know it is an extreme long shot but I would like to see Cha Cha win just because, well just because she is not annoying, boring or loudmouthed and does not wear dumb looking caps either.

    Below is a link to Ashley winning this exciting immunity challenge from Season #22 (an even more boring season than this one)

    https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150672928075922.393549.109976815921&type=3#!/media/set/?set=a.10150164261170922.299570.109976815921&type=3

    I would just like to say a big thank you for your blogs this season, they have been very entertaining and have kept this season and most of the players a little interesting, well some less than a little interesting I am sure. Thanks again.

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  13. Apologies for the link, it kinda did not appear the way I hoped.

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  14. *yawn* Is it over yet?
    Lala, I wish you would've bogged the Amazing Race this season. It was actually a bit entertaining with my Hillbilly team (I am so depressed they lost), and *shudder* Brenchel.
    I will probably skip the finale and just come here after its done. You rock.

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  15. Lala--You Rock, Bitch! This season was so snoring boring but as always you made it hilarious despite the lack of material to work with. I'm rooting for Cha Cha for no other reason that it would piss off Prunes.

    I'll send some love your way next week and I would suggest everyone else does the same for making this ridiculously bad season worth while. ;)

    And for what it is worth, I'm voting the S.S. Vagina as the player of the season. She encompasses the seaworthy theme of the C-wordy snatches in the finale.

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  16. Gotta send another 10 bucks your way. You are more than worth an hour and some of work, lala. I'll be going through withdrawal until BB starts.

    Thanks for another great season, and I can't wait for the finale blog monday!

    ~Lisabeth aka Elle Rose

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  17. Just wrap up the season already, it has become boring as bat shite many episodes ago. With a extra long episode with no-one likeable in it and fairly predictable, the show will be a chore to watch.

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  18. My dear Gin-Scented Nipple-Glittered Lala,

    Excellent blog per usual! One thing which captured my attention (which was not hard as this season is soooo boring): Handlebar's mustache seemed to disappear or lighten after her shower on the yacht! Do you think the producers put Nair on the counter or she rubbed lemons across her lip to lighten her hirsute adornment?

    Keep up the good work! I got your love right here, Bitch!

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  19. They are all in NYC right now tweeting away. I wish they would tweet why they were all in a state of paralysis on the show. By now, CBS has pumped up their personalities as best they can, watch for an animated finale, they will be real people for an hour, then they can go back to being zombies. Oh, I don't blame the Survivor contestants, I blame CBS for the selection process, where are the ex Navy Seals,fighter pilots, and firemen from past seasons? We had a female police officer this season, but they got rid of her real fast. CBS is targeting a different demographic than this blog's readers, they had better wise up, the show is on its last legs. I agree with previous posts, this Sunday's show will be real difficult to watch. There will be no blindsides or surprises, Kim has hypnotized the flock, she can't even believe they bought her crap.

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  20. Kim ran the show, in my eyes, Kim should win...not that I will care either way about this season.

    As for the fish bone challenge i think it is from South Pacific season with ozzy.

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  21. *sigh*

    Due to Alicia's apparent need to be angry in order to perceive reality, combined with her kryptonite-like weakness to Kim's azure eyes (or whatever quality that bitch has... it sure as hell hasn't been captured on camera) it looks like we might be doomed to a finale with two undesirable outcomes:
    1. No drama or laughter.
    2. Chelsea sitting in front of the jury.

    To combat the Voidy Numbness of both outcomes, I propose a game - I call it the "Chelsea Messyner Balloon-titted Camo' Ballcap Drinking-Smoking-Popping Game". The rules are simple: Every time that personification of everything I dislike in a Survivor contestant mentions the word "deserve" (or derivations thereof - player discretion is perfectly acceptable) whilst sitting in front of the jury, the player must drink a shot of their liquor of choice, smoke their drug of choice and pop their pill of choice. The only qualification required to play is a sense of humour.

    Played correctly, this game has an even-money chance of allowing the player to have a pretty good time during the finale night. In addition, there is a reasonably good chance that (if played expertly) the game may completely obliterate the player's entire memory of Survivor: One World. If played poorly, however, there is a chance that the player may inadvertently overdose and die, in which case - Chelsea wins. If she wins, her prize will be to have the surgically extracted sense of humour of all deceased players implanted into her furrowed brow, which, if a critical mass of deceased players is reached, may be sufficient to allow her to laugh at herself and embrace a wider view of life.

    And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm overwhelmed by the need to listen to Licence to Ill at EAR SHATTERING volume (vale MCA) while dancing the Cha Cha naked.

    You Gotta Fight
    For Your Right
    To Be A
    Glitter Boy...
    I'm Fierce!

    I am a Glitter Boy...
    Whooh!

    *sigh*

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  22. The only redeeming thing about this boring season is that
    the women took out the idiotic men. The men could never
    escape the curse of the spell brought to us by Hogwart's
    graduate Colton.

    I feel compelled to comment on Kim's alleged mustache. If
    you have peach fuzz on your face, put some dirt on it and
    see what happens. Also ladies, someday you may have hairs
    sprouting from some surprising places. Like wrinkles, these will give you character. Salute your hormones
    bitches.

    Ms. Lala, your blog has been endlessly entertaining
    and enlightening. Thank you for all the gin and glitter.

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  23. I wish to see Dimples mount a winged pig for his trip to the finale. If the pig has no balls we will have a clear and certain winner.

    Horatio for the win!!

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