Thursday, May 3, 2012

A Quantum Entanglement


Oscar Wilde once said, "Youth is wasted on the young." And then Kat once said, "Let's get drunk!" Timeless quotes from wise sages. Ah, the fleeting spring of youth. Spewing forth it's nectar (150 proof! Wut wut!) and intoxicating *burp* us with it's beauty and promise. Dorian Gray sold his soul for it. Madeline Ashton broke her neck for it. And why not?! Just this morning, on my way to work at the International House Of Blogs, I ran over a grandmother pushing a baby carriage. I told the officer, in between sucking the jello shots I keep in the glove compartment, "I'm 22!" He crumpled up the ticket that said something or other about vehicular homicide and I went about my merry way. So, young as the morning, fresh as dew... bask in it. Wallow in it's sugary goodness and rub it's jelly all over yourself before time marches across your face and leaves a trail of jagged lines in it's wake. Embrace the brevity of your golden era. Make out with your cousins and dance, young'uns, dance! Before you know it, you'll be 28 with a Tom Selleck on your upper lip. *shivers* Ew. Let's recap, shall we?


With the moon gently kissing the water, we continue our weary and tired Samoan tale. Our never ending eternal tale. Our "Isn't it over yet?!" tale. Through the blackness, thoughts turn to Troyzan. Prunes (Chelsea) can't believe he's finally gone while Kat sits gnawing on her Oreo fingers wondering what his final message to her meant. He said, "Do it." Do. It. What *scratches head* could that possibly mean? Kat looks around at her surroundings and doesn't see all that much left to do. Tarzan is already doing surgery. Jugs (Alicia) is already flicking sand fleas at ChaCha's (Christina) head. Handlebar (Kim) is already combing her upper lip. Everything that can be done is getting done already. Kat sighs to herself and decides she'll do what she does back at home. She'll lay quietly in her bed while going through her favorite movie scene by scene. Scene 1: Elvis returns home.

With Kat giggling softly to herself, Jugs continues her nightly torture of ChaCha. "You could have gone home!", she snarls. ChaCha looks down to count on her fingers one by one. "Where did that extra vote come from," she wonders. "Surely, not Troyzan." Meanwhile, Jugs snickers to herself and draws a giant 'L' on ChaCha's forehead. With a dummy like that, maybe it's not a bad idea to keep her around to the end. Sabrina, on the other hand, could be a real threat. In a scrawl with daggers and flames inexplicably woven in between the letters, Jugs begins to make a list. #1 - Sabrina is lazy and does nothing. #2 - Sabrina sucks at challenges. #3 - Sabrina does whatever she's told. With a glint in her eye, Jugs looks up from her list and declares, "Sabrina scares me. We'll have to get rid of her next. I'm the most powerful person in this game!!!" And then she beat on her chest and threw a burlap sack of oranges at ChaCha.

A new day dawns and with it, another product placement. Jugs and Sabrina check tree mail only to discover the telltale SPRINT staring back at them. Excited or epileptic, the two bounce up and down shaking the Sprint box repeatedly. Springs and microchips begin popping out from the sides. Battery acid leaks all over their hands while the glass shatters into tiny pieces on the ground, but who cares? Shake away, ladies. Shake it like the maraca that it is. Then comes grumpy ole Prunes to turn merriment into sour milk. "Stop shaking the Sprint phone!" *grumble grumble*

After Tarzan successfully reconstructs the phone using stems and gills, the Tikianos gather around to stare at the tiny people living inside. There's Sabrina's brother Tony, Jugs' sister Leticia, Prunes dad Ken, ChaCha's dad Sung, Handlebar's sister Beth, Kat's cousin Robby, and Tarzan's wife Terri. Oh boo hoo! Waah waah! *wipes tears* It's only been a month, but *sobs*. Standing in a puddle of snot and tears, the remaining Survivors weep in unison. Jugs, standing in an unfamiliar geometric print backless dress, dabs at her tears with her jugs while Sabrina has decided for everyone that Tarzan and ChaCha should definitely get to spend time with their loved ones. ChaCha's dad had a kidney transplant and, according to Sabrina, is knocking on heaven's door so that one's a no brainer, but what's the big deal with Tarzan? Is an old man missing his wife any more important than a cousin missing her lover or a sister missing her brother? Remember when he wouldn't share his letter from home? No visit! That's what I say. If you can't share with the rest of the class, then you're not allowed to get face time. *stamps it into a law*


And this brings us to the tearful, and deliciously awkward, Reward Challenge. Before Dimples can even announce the first family member's name, ChaCha bursts into tears and crumples onto the ground. Jugs kicks her in the ribs repeatedly while the family members are marched out one by one. First up is Beth, Handlebar's sister. They embrace and Beth whispers, "Hulk Hogan, shave that thing!" Next we meet Sung, the cutest dad next to Otto (remember Mascaroni's dad?). He runs out to greet ChaCha and even Jugs begins to cry. Prunes dad comes out next and while they hug she announces, "I've been such a hard ass on the show." *looks around the room* Hard ass? Who? Where? Huh? Are you talking about the girl who cried because her fingers got pruney? Oh yeah, hard ass all the way. *falls over from rolling eyes too hard*

The parade of relatives continues and we meet Tony, Sabrina's Amish brother. With a beard and no mustache, Tony is ripped from head to toe. Hey there, Tony! There's a casting mistake if ever I saw one. Next we meet Leticia, Jugs sister, and she's even more evil than Jugs! While Jugs burbles through tears, Leticia stands with her mouth firmly in a straight line, "We're not an emotional family." and then she kicked Jugs in the vag. Now we know where she gets it from!


Alright everyone, turn your clocks upside down and stand in front of a carnival mirror because here comes weirdness. "Are you ready for your cousin, Kat?" "Woof! Woof! Flerken wuverglerkin!" Cousin Robby runs out as Kat crawls in the dirt and pees on a fire hydrant. Robby sweeps her up into his arms and *bowm chicka rowr rowr* We'll have a mini Reese's Pieces in 9 months. Lastly, we have Tarzan. He kneels down on one knee and I stared at my television confused. But when Terrie ran out and little bits of twine, yo-yo plastic, play doh, and Martha Stewart card stock began to hit the ground, I knew Tarzan knelt in order to easily pick up his wife's breasts, cheekbones, and lips. What a gentleman!


And this brings us to the challenge where the prize is another effing banquet. I swear some of those bitches are gaining weight on that island. For today's challenge, Survivors will be tied up to their loved ones while racing to untangle a rope that is woven through a series of obstacles. First team to the end, wins. Survivors ready, go.


Handlebar/Beth work nimbly together while on Tarzan's team, Terri does all the work. Sung and ChaCha sit down to have a nice chat while Kat/Robby are frantically untangling their rope. Meanwhile, Prunes/Ken move steadily along while Sabrina/Tony sit stuck at the starting line. I guess being bad in challenges runs in the family. Forget what I said about casting Tony. The challenge continues and it's neck and neck between Handlebar/Beth and Kat/Robby. With one last tangle to untangle, Robby slips through the rope before Beth can move Handlebar's mustache out of the way and... KAT WINS REWARD!!!


Kat, you can pick another team to join you on your reward. *Don't pick Handlebar. Don't pick Handlebar. Don't pick Handlebar.* "I pick Handlebar!" *smacks self in head* Kat, you can pick one more team to join you. *Don't pick Prunes. Don't pick Prunes. Don't pick Prunes.* "I pick Jugs!" Ok, I can accept that one. Sabrina however, Sheriff of the Challenge Police, is not OK with Kat's selections. She whispers to Tarzan, "It should've been you!" Deputy Prunes chimes in, "She should have picked ChaCha." Really Prunes, really? Would you have picked ChaCha? No. Way. You would have picked Handlebar and Sabrina. Shut your face from now on until I ask to hear from you. Sensing some tension amongst her tribe mates, Kat wants to make one thing clear. "I just want to get drunk guys. I want to par-tay down with my bitches! Mar-ga-ri-tas!!!" Then she danced a little jig while everyone stared at each other awkwardly.


Off at the Reward, Kat is on cloud nine. She finally won something and doggonit she deserves this win. The other attendees are eager to spend time with their members, but Kat has already poured a platter of shots and started Spin The Bottle. Sure, she cheats every time and spins it directly to Robby, but this is her win and no one will take that away from her. In between swigs of her Rum Coco, Kat brags to the table that she, Handlebar, and Jugs have that whole Tikiano tribe in check. Everyone does what they say and they all think their safe. Sabrina especially. Speaking of Sabrina, she should go home before ChaCha. It's a bold statement coming from a gummy bear, but Jugs and Handlebar agree. Maybe this is their final three?

Handlebar confides in her sister that the more she thinks about it, the more she thinks Jugs and Kat are the right two to cruise to the end with. Jugs is completely delusional and Kat would forget where she put the million before she'd have a chance to spend it. Handlebar is a little worried about turning against Sabrina, but she'll deal with that back at camp.

Speaking of back at camp, Sheriff Sabrina is kicking up a storm over that Reward Challenge. "I'm so mad! What Kat did was totally selfish!" Listen here, Sheriff, have you ever won anything? Like, anything at all? Have you ever come up with a plan? Have you ever, oh I don't know, done something that Handlebar hasn't told you to do? Alrighty then. You have lost all of your bitching privileges. Plus, why do you want to reward the two people not in your alliance? And what's so goddamn special about Tarzan's wife?!? So what, he misses her. Big deal. If he misses her so much, then vote him out and he can spend the next 20 years with her.

Here's something that bugs me - this idea that these people deserve anything. Prunes is forever spouting gibberish about who deserves to be there. "She's not nice enough to be here.", "He's not trustworthy enough.", "That's one too mean.", "That one put poo pants in the pot." How about, "She cried like a little bitch on day two because of the rain." None of you people deserve to be there. None of you deserve a million dollars for being on a reality show. Get over yourselves! You know who deserves a million dollars? Me. Me, the saint who makes you people interesting week after week.

In Sabrina's world, Beth, Leticia, and Robby are nowhere near as important as Sung or Terrie. And so, because Kat hasn't done what Sabrina wanted and obeyed Sabrina's hierarchy plan of importance, Sabrina wants her out of the game for being selfish. Prunes hears this and shouts, "Hear! Hear!" Stick a cork in it, Prunes. The funny this is, Tarzan and ChaCha don't really seem all that upset about not going on the Reward. They know they'll see their loved ones in like 5 days. If they're not putting up a stink about it, then why are Sabrina and Prunes?

So, in all of their anger over justice and what's right and what's wrong, Sabrina and Prunes decide that the four of them should vote out Kat. Tarzan is inwardly shocked at how quickly these dumb bitches let emotion run their game. He knows Kat wasn't next in the firing line for quite a while and mentions this to Prunes. Prunes confesses that she's jealous of Kat's relationships with all of the men on the jury and doesn't necessarily want to be sitting next to her in the end. The next step is convincing Handlebar and Jugs to join the plan. All I'm wondering is why they edited out the scene of ChaCha and Tarzan giggling together over how awesome it was not getting picked for Reward. Luck, for these two, be a lady and her name is Kat.

Handlebar returns to camp after the Reward and Prunes fills her in on how Kat broke like 50 decency laws. Prunes shows Handlebar Sabrina's citation book, but all Handlebar can do is sigh. The plan is to get rid of Sabrina, not Kat. Prunes hears this and says, "Oh, so we're getting rid of Sabrina? OK." She chucks Sabrina's citations into the fire as Handlebar decides it's best for her, and everyone else, if she just goes ahead and continues winning all of the Immunity Challenges from here on out. Letting the power fall into the hands of any of these chuckleheads probably isn't the best idea - for Handlebar herself and the universe. The goal is to stay away from DEFCON 1, not walk right into it.

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge Survivors will be standing on a ledge over the water while holding onto a handle behind your back. The handle is attached to a wench which Dimples will crank with glee whenever the fancy strikes him. Last wench, I mean Survivor, standing wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!



The Survivors stand perched over the water as... *step* Sabrina steps right out of the challenge. Jugs giggles to herself and while considering whether or not to jump right then and there, Tarzan teeters into the water and beats her to it. Jugs muscles it out for another turn of the wench and then does her requisite "Oopsie, I'm out." And this is where I float a theory: Jugs is throwing challenges to appear weak. There was a comment she made about how Sabrina might be purposely trying to appear weak which made me go "Aha! Only someone with that plan themselves would accuse another person of the very same thing."


Continuing on with the challenge, we're down to Kat, Handlebar, ChaCha, and Prunes. Prunes plops into the water by quitting and now it's down to three. ChaCha, bless her heart, tries to hang on for as long as she can, but eventually gives up because her finger hurts her. It's the best performance we've seen from ChaCha so far, but I think she could have lasted longer. Maybe it dawned on her that she wasn't in the firing line. Who knows. With Handlebar and Kat as our final two, Kat is desperate to win just for appearances sake. It really bothers her that the American public might look at her in a negative light. *Bbbbrpppppt* Who farted? Kaaaaat! In the end, Handlebar has far too much testosterone to beat and... HANDLEBAR WINS IMMUNITY!!!


(I love this picture)
Kat wilts into a pile of simple syrup when Handlebar swims up next to her and asks for a high five. Kat's lower lip does the answering with a resounding "No!" and, in Kat's defense, I don't blame her. If you just beat me in a competition that lasted well over an hour, don't come up to me twirling your mustache asking for love. Get out of my face and let me mourn my loss and get drunk like any normal civilized person would do!

Back at camp, Kat is horrified she just lost a challenge to an ancient 28 year old. 28 year olds have osteoporosis and can only eat soft foods. They don't win challenges on Survivor! What the hell. Oh well, at least she has a blindside to look forward to. You see, Sabrina has no idea that she's going home. PLUS, blindsides are awe-some! Awesome! *tinkle*


Jugs and Kat set the Sabrina plan in stone, but just at Kat is walking away, a giant breast pops out of the sky and whacks Jugs on the head. Hold up! "Why am I getting rid of Sabrina when she sucks in challenges? I should be getting rid of Kat!" With her new busty plan under her rack, Jugs pitches it to Handlebar who promptly replies with a solid "No." Jugs pleads her case some more saying she wants an easy win and doesn't want Kat overstaying her welcome like Troyzan did. Just then, Sabrina saunters up and before Handlebar can even inhale, Jugs whispers "Kat. Let's get out Kat." Now, if I were Handlebar and Jugs usurped me like she did just then, home girl would be back in the barrio before she knew what hit her. Jugs is super sneaky - which, don't get me wrong, I like - but Handlebar should know better then to let Jugs start calling all the shots.

Even though Jugs is pushing for Kat to go, Handlebar still wants to go forward with the Sabrina plan. She thinks she has all of the votes necessary with herself and Prunes being swing votes. I don't know how you can call yourself a swing vote when you're telling everyone else how to vote, but whatever. The only hiccup it seems is Prunes. Righteous Prunes. Pious "Go kill yourself" Prunes. Once again she's on her "so and so doesn't deserve to be here" train and I'm beyond over it. Look, you're all boring asshats giving us the worst season in Survivor history so stuff your "deserving" crap up your ass and just play the damn game!

Plop! Here we are at Tribal Council. Dimples wants to talk about how sad Kat was last week when Handlebar didn't take her on the Reward. Kat whips a beer bong out of her shorts and hollers, "I just wanna get drunk baby! Holla! Wut wut!" I guess if you think about it, Sung probably shouldn't drink too much anyways with his new kidney and alcohol would probably loosen the glue holding Terrie's tummy tuck together so... yeah, Kat made a perfectly reasonable decision on that Reward.

Hall Monitor Sabrina agrees that probably Kat wanted to have a good time, but maybe she'll regret that decision later. Kat, in the middle of a keg stand, shouts, "I'm 22!" and then she dribbled some beer out of her nose. Stuffy grumpy Prunes sits with her arms crossed over her lopsided boobs and sneers, "I hate it when she uses her age as an excuse." Prunes, come here a sec, I want to whisper something to you... "Go. Get. Laid."

Kat looks around herself and asks, "Is this whole Tribal Council about me? I would've stayed back at camp if I had known this was what we'd talking about." Dimples asks Tarzan what he thinks about all of this and Tarzan, unlike Sabrina and Prunes, is totally fine with Kat wanting to party with the girls. It doesn't upset him when cookie dough makes a decision to be sweet, when ice cream decides to swirl with fudge. You can't expect that just because you're in the jungle a candy cane will change it's stripes.

Turning to today's challenge, Jugs reveals how shocked she was at how well Kat did in the Immunity Challenge which is weird considering she just won the Reward Challenge. To my knowledge, Kat has been a pretty even competitor all along. She's doesn't suck like Sabrina, but she's not a powerhouse like Handlebar. Furthermore, Jugs is also surprised at how mad Kat was at Handlebar after the challenge. Kat insists she was mad at herself, not Handlebar, and I believe her. Girl Scout Sabrina interjects with, "But you wouldn't shake her hand!" What's with all these peripheral people jumping into everyone's business? Whether or not Kat shakes Handlebar's hand has nothing to do with you Sabrina. Have you noticed how Sabrina has no storyline of her own? She's always hitching rides on everyone else's plot.
 

And here is where Sabrina reveals that she probably won't even vote for the best player of the game. She'll vote for whoever hasn't pissed her off.  To any Survivor purist, this is horrifying to hear. We hate seeing votes thrown away as a result of a temper tantrum, but to Kat... it's delightful! She'd love to see someone lose by a blindside. Blindsides are exciting! People are always like "Doh! Me?" and that makes Kat laugh and laugh and laugh. Cool beans! Touche, whatever.

And with that, we vote.


Kat, wide eyed, looks around herself and asks, "Doh! Me?" Yes Kat, you. Kat is the 12th person voted out of Survivor One World. Personally, I wanted you to stay Kat. In fact, I wanted you to win. A bobble head season deserves a bobble head winner. Oh well, at least you went out on an exciting note. What fun! A blindside! Wait, why are you crying? Wasn't that fun and exciting?

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Should Sabrina have gone home instead? Is Jugs throwing challenges to appear weak? Was I right about Tarzan playing with the Phillip Sheppard Method? Does Prunes deserve to be squished into prune juice? Is it just me or are you so ready for this season to end? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


60 comments:

  1. 'While Jugs burbles through tears, Leticia stands with her mouth firmly in a straight line, "We're not an emotional family." and then she kicked Jugs in the vag.'

    Absolutely hilarious! If only Letitia had drop kicked her then and there. Although that might have caused one of her jugs to deflate...

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  2. Haha...didn't even watch the episode because I am so over this craptastic season....glad that it was a blindside....they all should be blindsided as far as I am concerned!
    Great blog as always!

    Mayfair

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  3. Totally agree that if there is one person deserving that million, its our Lala! Good job on the blog again and making this survivor any fun to follow. Hey Lala, you don't work for CBS or advertisers, don't you?

    BTW you missed mentioning how Kat was gloating and dancing when Sabrina dropped out of immunity challenge.

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    1. If I worked for CBS, do you think the state of the CBS reality conglomerate would be in the shape it's in?

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  4. Kat...the most naive player to ever play the game...perhaps to ever grace the planet...

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  5. OH Blindslides are FUN!! YAY!!
    I’m rescinding every nice thing I’ve ever said about Kat after last night’s debacle. During the Sprintalicious Sprinty Sprintfamily Sprintchallenge for a Sprintapicnic, I swear I heard some good ole kissin’ cousins banjo music in the background when Kat’s ‘cousin’ came running out. Not sure what weirded me out the most: The full body hug/rub action? The secret baby code talky talk? The “he’s everything to me, I love him, I live with him” statement?? The boogie-woogie shuffle hip- thrusting moves that may have been part of the secret code talky talk?? There was just so much bizzaro crap happening I was having a hard time keeping up.

    Either way, Kat and her cousin must have activated their Wonder Twin powers, since they managed to squeak out a win over Handlebars. That’s when I felt the planets shift slightly, throwing our universe off a tadly and disrupting the flow of oxygen to Kat’s brain. What kind of moron (Kat) takes Handlebars on a reward after she so clearly snubbed you just three days ago? You obviously didn’t catch the drift that you are not in the prom queen’s little circle of trust, idiot. Also, reward challenges have historically been an opportunity to strategize, find out what others are thinking, get in good with people you haven’t had a chance to bond with, plan your next move, etc… They are not a chance to party like a rock star and get drunk with people you wish were your bestest friends and your fuckbuddy cousin.

    Side rant on the whole issue of who to take on the Sprintacular family reward: You people have only been gone for four weeks, not four months, not four years. You will be done playing this game in another eight days. You’ll be home soon and sick of looking at the face of your loved one in short order. No, Tarzan should have been picked just because he missed his wife. Cha Cha should not have been picked because her Dad ‘might’ pass away ten years from now. This is ridiculous. You are not passing out conjugal visits to someone serving fifty to life, for Christ’s sake. Take whomever you want, except for people who just dissed your ass three days ago.

    I have to say that I was laughing so hard during Tribal after the ‘blindsides are fun’ thing, that I didn’t catch much else that was said. This was one of the most hilarious TC’s I think I’ve seen since Eric R gave his immunity necklace to Natalie and promptly got his ass voted off. I just love boneheads who feel so secure and end up screwing themselves right off the tribe. And what a touching moment when a teary eyed Kat said she was going to ask Dimples if she could pretty please, please, play again?? Answer to that question: “Why, no Kat, not in a million years, you dimwit.”

    Yes, Colette, I am SO over this season, please, make it stop!!!!

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  6. "I'm beyond over it. Look, you're all boring asshats giving us the worst season in Survivor history so stuff your "deserving" crap up your ass and just play the damn game!"

    This pretty much sums it up. Thanks for another entertaining blog. ^_^

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  7. You are absolutely right, you are the most exciting thing about this season Colette!!

    Just started to read your blog and have subsequently read all the archived you have linked. I think you're awesome.

    P

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  8. First time I've read this blog. Effing hysterical. Thank you.

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    1. Did it hurt? Me popping your cherry, I mean.

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  9. So, I noticed that Handlebar was looking a lot like the insurance caveman, wearing quite the sheep's wool on her legs. No wonder she is never cold. And I reckon that is why she is allowed to wear the bike shorts, it is prime time viewing after all, and she is probably getting pretty hairy down there.
    Leticia kicking Jugs in the vag just rocked. As always, Colette, you nailed that, and everything else, wonderfully. Now I need to clean up my laugh spittle.

    moontripper

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    1. You're JUST noticing this?! Kim looks a LOT like the insurance cavemen who were in commercials. It's been driving me insane- especially the fact that she's a friggin bridal store owner. I would not want her prepping me for my bridal day.

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  10. My dear gin-scented glitter-nippled Lala,

    Wonderful job on the blog as usual. You have such a wicked mind and I am sooo jealous of your talents. One minor quibble: I think it was George Bernard Shaw who said, "Youth is wasted on the young." Oscar Wilde got wasted on a young person.

    Love you, keep up the good work

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  11. Forgot to add that I love the following passage from your blog:

    "Here's something that bugs me - this idea that these people deserve anything. Prunes is forever spouting gibberish about who deserves to be there. "She's not nice enough to be here.", "He's not trustworthy enough.", "That's one too mean.", "That one put poo pants in the pot." How about, "She cried like a little bitch on day two because of the rain." None of you people deserve to be there. None of you deserve a million dollars for being on a reality show. Get over yourselves! You know who deserves a million dollars? Me. Me, the saint who makes you people interesting week after week." HILARIOUS!

    Did anyone get a flashback to Angelina Jolie making out with her brother when Kat's cousin picked her up and she wrapped her legs around him while they gyrated and spoke gibberish? I guess when I orgasm I speak gibberish too.

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  12. I wonder if Tarzan did the work on his wife's face, she looked good. I would marry him if he gave me cheekbones like hers. I'm shallow like that. Those 2 gropey cousins gave me creepers, he's her life? WTF to the nth degree.

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  13. I want to tell you about all my favorite parts of your blog this week, but there are too many. You rocked it this week. It could have also been that the Survivors finally gave you some funny stuff to write about. It was seriously one of the funniest tribal council results/reactions (whatever, you know what i am trying to say) that I have seen in a few years. I can't wait to watch Ponderosa now with Kat there. Too much. What an idiot. She is so worried about what her "Survivor reputation" is going to be, well, poor Kat....you pretty much sealed that deal. I don't think Jugs is faking, I have a hard time seeing her as a physical strength.
    I'd really like to know if Kim plans on bringing Prunes to the final 3. Very funny recap LaLa. I just might have to read it again. Oh, and I am spreading your blog like wildfire. Keep telling lots of people about it.

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    1. I keep forgetting to post Ponderosa. Oh well, I'll try to remember for next season.

      And thanks bitch!

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  14. When Prunes was hugging her dad, he said "You're so tanned" and she replied "It's not tan, it's dirt"

    Am I the only one who thought : ... or is it poop?

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    1. LOL I totally should have thought of that.

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  15. You know what I found amazing but this is a recurring story. Sabrina and Prunes all agree that Kat is selfish and want her out because of her, well selfishness, then the minute Handlebar & Co. arrive back and Prunes suggests Kat ahead of Sabrina, Handlebar delivers a strong NO, to which Prunes says, oh okay. Then she says in confessional that Handlebar & I are going to agree on what is best, how dumb is she, Handlebar told you NO and you said OK, how is that agreeing, that is telling Prunes NO,NO,NO.

    The Kat/Robbie thing was a bit uncomfortable, no one and i mean no one is that close to their cousin and the way he jumped all over him, you'd swear they were lovers reunited after a few years apart. Weird but totally Kat.

    Also we all know that Lala is not in the running for the $1 Million but she does deserve a special $1 Million for fan favourite as she said, she has kept some of these characters half exciting. another great blog Miss Lala. love your work.

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  16. I was snoozing through this episode, they are all so boring this season, until the Big Burper got voted off. Her expression was priceless. I had to replay it 4 times.
    Do any of them want to win themselves, or do they just want to give it to Hanldlebar.
    The weirdest season ever.
    Thank you La La.

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  17. Lala - that was one of the best recaps of the show yet. I was laughing my butt off when Kat got blindsided after relishing the idea of blindsiding someone else. Doesn't feel so fun now does it?

    Before Season 1 started, I recall there being concern over the mental health of those who were voted off. Seems there was a similar show in another country that people got seriously f'd up mentally. SO I knew that Survivor has had a mental health professional on hand...but this is the first time I can recall seeing the psychologist talking with the recently booted Survivor. I so want that job!!

    Kat is delusional to think nobody else can start the fire when they have flint. She did not do a bang up job of it as I recall when it was just women, they kept having to beg for embers from the men to restart their fire even AFTER getting flint.

    I read on TV Guide that Kat has had serious health issues that she hid...such as several open heart surgeries and that she is having another one soon. 1. I don't recall seeing a scar on her chest from such surgeries and 2. She had some pretty decent fitness and that to me does not suggest heart issues (I could be wrong).

    I hope Sabrina, Christina, Alicia and Prunes try to flush the HII from Kim putting her in danger. I don't see it happening tho as we are suffering thru another season with one power player and the rest followers happy to get to stay a few days longer. Tho some of those "Followers" are delusional in the amount of game power they actually hold (Alicia especially). And I do not get the hate for ChaCha. I'd almost vote for her as my fan favorite for having to put up with Colton and Jug's nasty bullying with relative dignity and STILL BEING THERE...tho I wish she would try and MAKE A MOVE.

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  18. Best blindside EVER!!! I am so glad to see bubblehead gone.I was as excited as when Colton had to go home. Next needs to be Jugs, she is so mean and cruelit's hard to believe they let her teach special education students. Those poor kids, maybe this will do her in after parents see how she is.

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  19. And last night Kim's mustache was OUT IN FORCE! WOW...hadn't noticed that much until last night.

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    1. Same here.

      J-Bird

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    2. Yeah, it was pretty brutal. I've noticed it before, but not the way I did this week. Damn! Her eyebrows were pretty friggin brutal too- I was telling my husband that she needed to get them waxed before she came on the show- in a bad way.

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  20. Lala, the moment I heard Prunes say that she has been acting like a tough girl the whole season, "I've been such a hard ass on the show", I suddenly visualized you sitting in front of your TV, hearing those same words, and having a like reaction--a great roll of the eyes!

    I have to ask: where does Prunes rank on your personal list of most-detestable Survivor contestants ever? (That must be a long list, I'm sure.)

    J-Bird

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  21. Where do I sign up to give Prunes the lay she doesn't deserve?

    ReplyDelete
  22. I can't wait till this season is over. Your blog is better than the show.

    Kim was hairier than she has been but they've been on that island a long time now. She looks like Hank Azaria.

    And does the saying "shooting me straight" drive anyone else up a wall? THAT'S NOT A SAYING! It's a derivative of "He's a STRAIGHT SHOOTER" meaning he tells it how it is. All summer long on BB I had to listen to Jeff say "...shooting me straight..." and I thought what a moron he was. SAY IT RIGHT OR DON'T SAY IT! Goddamn!

    The only reason I'm still watching this tepid season is for your blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "The only reason I'm still watching this tepid season is for your blog."

      so much ditto, CoLa. Why the hell do you think I came to read this review a week late? I did feel bad for Kat for being so naive (or for CBS betraying her that way), and usually my thought is, "Don't go getting so upset over a friggin game!". I don't think Kat was a genius, but I believe she was smarter than some of the other candidates (albeit naive) CBS seemed happy to prototype her as the dumb ditz. Though I don't think she's a ditz, I think she made it very easy for CBS to show her as one.


      They need to get RID of prunes and Handlebars for a chance to win, and taking out who they did this week (I don't want to spoil it), we definitely their best bet. I'm not even rooting for any of them now.

      Delete
  23. Great review. Hilarious. Im glad they got rid of Kat, indeed best blindside ever. Look on her face priceless. Although strategically I think Sabrina may have been a better call. Although neither her nor Kat would likely get many votes. My money is still on Tarzan. Its evident that he is playing the Phillip "nutjob" card and its worked so far. I still dont get why Kim doesn't realize that he is a major threat since he will likely get all the male votes and the female vote will split between the women that are loyal to her for some strange reason and the women that wouldnt give her the vote out of spite and hate.

    ReplyDelete
  24. My favorite part was the ride to the Ponderosa....was this Survivor or the Batchelor.

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  25. All I can say Greg, is you are a brave man. Myself, I can't imagine having a go at Ms. Sasquatch.

    Thanks again Lala, for a helluva lot better description of what went on than the painful hell of having to watch these chowder-heads for 40 minutes.

    Just when I thought Baby Hantz was the ultimate dumbass, this group comes along to show that he's actually MENSA status.

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  26. methinks the next reward challenge is an electrolysis spa treatment.

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  27. has anyone noticed the multiple outfits that the players have this season? (except for Jugs and her whorrendous bikini top)

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    Replies
    1. Definitely. Jugs was wearing some backless full length dress I'd never seen before.

      Prunes is always in her same uniform though. Ugly cammo shirt and even uglier cammo hat.

      Delete
  28. Best Tribal Council ever. HAHAHA karma's a bitch, isn't it Kat?

    Kim needs to be super careful now, Sabrina and then Alicia would be my vote. She should do it before they figure out she's got the power. Kim and Chelsea might be smart to talk to Christina and promise her the final three to get some loyalty.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Tears, Tears, Tears, etc., from start to finish, reality television has become the venue for emotional breakdowns and we will see it to the end of this Survivor season. Have not seen their brother, sister, cousin for a month and we get rivers of tears; you would think that this group had just gotten back from a two year tour of combat duty in a war zone. But it makes sense in a way, we have a group that does nothing for themselves, does not try in challenges, does not have to scrounge for food, so why would we expect them to be strong emotionally? So next week Sabrina or Jugs gets voted out, big deal. Could we have one big switch to vote out Handlebar or is that to much to ask in this horrifying season? CBS is sticking it to the viewers, Colette for CBS Reality Chief!

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  30. Yes, this show ended weeks earlier and LaLa deserves something from the show for maintenance of reluctant followers.

    Perhaps it's a metaphor for real life? Women rule the world and nobody cares. Gin and glitter celebrations have vanished. Is there any hope for a surprise winner of an immunity challenge? Kim didn't even try to secure jury votes by suggesting someone else should go on the reward feast. She's probably still plugged up from the last binge.

    Again, no Vagina rides, or anything about what the non bingers are eating or how they find it. Apparently even Horatio wandered off in search of something more interesting.

    I'm not sure which is worse, reaching the point when nobody cares who wins, or reading that some fans of this blog wish for more Colton.

    Horatio and Colette split the grand prize. They share an apartment in LaLaland and party together. A glittery sacrifice is inevitable as gin flavored bacon is irresistible.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Kim is the best female player of all time. She's dominated this game from the very beginning. She is an awesome player when it comes to the social and mental game. Also she is a physical presence and capable of winning all immunity challenges here on out. Chelsea and Kim will take out whoever they want with the aid of Tarzan till the finish. The final 3 will be Kim, Chelsea, and Tarzan. Can't wait to see them blindside Alicia that will be great TV.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just so you know, there is a lady who has won TWO Survivors, Kim has not won anything yet, unless you know something the rest of us don't.

      Delete
  32. Ms Lala

    IT'S ITS not IT'S.

    Other than that, I salute you for being able to parody a parody...this has Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and The Blob written all over it. And I would definitely vote you for the mil...now you just have to apply as a contestant!

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  33. I agree with the people who said that your write-up is better than the show was. Hands. Down. Kim's eyebrows and mustache are driving me *insane*! I have to say, as much of a bitch as I am, I really felt bad for Kat (and I haven't been a big fan of hers or anything)- the minute she got voted off, I could tell she was going to start crying. The girl just obviously doesn't have shit for life experience and seems like a genuinely nice person. Don't get me wrong; her being a nice person doesn't make me think that they should have felt bad for her and kept her around. If anything, it makes voting her off an even smarter game move. I just felt bad that she was too naive to see it coming.

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  34. I used to be glued to my TV on Survivor night. Now I actively find anything to do so I don't have to devote my full attention to this steaming pile of dung this season has become. I do dishes. I fold laundry. I scrub my toilet while I listen to the TV from the bathroom.

    Thank gawd for your blog, Lala. It's entertainment, fo' sho'. CBS should thank you because you're the only reason I even attempt to watch, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. You kick ass, sister.

    ReplyDelete
  35. lala, who do you want to win now? Since Kat's gone, it's like Colton's arrival. Bleak, black, and soulless. I would sayy.....Tarzan probably. If it turns out he used the Phillip Sheppard Method he is a certified genius.Obviously you don't know me, but I've been reading your posts for a while. Samoa was awesome...except for the winner..

    Adios Lala,
    Maryrose

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    Replies
    1. Good question. I would be OK if Tarzan, Jugs, or ChaCha won and here's why:

      Tarzan is as ridiculous as this season. It would be a fitting end.

      Jugs is delivering drama and she's playing a slithery game. Plus, she reads this blog and embraces me calling her Jugs.

      ChaCha is the underdog. The Sisters Grim have been trying to get her out for a while yet she's still there. Plus, she's a blog reader!

      I like to support people who don't take it all too seriously and can laugh at themselves. It's too bad Nina, Monica, and Kourtney left when they did. Those bitches have been awesome.

      Delete
    2. Glad Jugs reads this blog. It's honest & doesn't spare anyone, her included.

      Delete
  36. Just to tell you that I read your blog on the main tab and dart to the online episode on another tab. It is simply the only thing worth my attention this Survivor season.

    Hating Jugs. Hating just about evabody this season. Hoping Sabrina will win simply due to uber-hot brother.

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  37. Jugs should have gone when Colton did. Can't stand her. Special Ed teacher? Amazing. That's one insensitive player.

    ReplyDelete
  38. With apologies to Maya Angelou.

    Young as the morning
    Fresh as dew
    Quite the poetry
    Fan aren't you?

    Can you guess
    Who this is
    Without checking
    My IP address?

    Yes it is M
    I liked this week's blog
    Though 'twas lacking a lyric
    That left me agog

    And now I ask you
    To forgive me
    As I cannot comment
    Iambically

    For I lack the skill
    So must endeth the rhyming
    Alas I cannot find a
    Rhyme for rhyming!



    Ahem. Stop looking at me like that! Look, I apologized to Angelou already, now you want an apology as well?! Just drink some damn gin - you'll forget every contrived rhyme soon enough Little Miss Poetry Critic!

    So. To this week's episode:

    I must admit to being a little bum-puzzled by the "Handlebar" moniker you assigned to Kim. I rely on the kindness of internet strangers for my dose of Survivor you see. No hi-def clarity for me. Aah, but after this week's episode, I totally got it. Is it just the interplay of light and shadow on her upper lip? Whatever. Bum-solved.

    Always good for the soul to see a castaway in tears after a torch snuffing - highlight of the season so far for me. And she walked into it so blindly. I'll miss Klueless Kat though. She did provide the inspiration for the whole confectionery bit that you pulled off with glittery élan. I hope she's not gonna be a Bitter Betty on the jury and vote for Prunes. Although she is only 22 and, as she keeps pointing out, that means we need to cut her a little slack for being a touché selfish and naive.

    Say, speaking of 22 year old female castaways, how did Sophie make out last season? Oh that's right, she fucking WON didn't she? Yep, being 22 excuses all kinds of selfishness and stupid gameplay doesn't it Kitty Kat? Now go and have sex with your cousin.

    Ok, 12 episodes is enough to go out on a limb.

    Final 3 prediction: Kim, Alicia, Chelsea.

    Winner?

    Probably Kim, although I think it'll be a lot closer than she thinks. I can see all three of those bitches getting votes.

    Who do I WANT to win you ask? Well, I'm kinda hoping Cha Cha can somehow pull off a miraculous Survivor tale. Christina is completely ignorant of strategic gameplay, hopeless in challenges, and disliked by everyone. If she can win it will have given us the final possible permutation of Sole Survivor, and we can declare this social experiment complete after 24 runtimes.

    And now I'll leave you with this, for which I really do apologize:

    I'll see you next week
    So be it.
    Your faithful correspondent
    And Poet Laureate.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, Sophie was (I believe) younger than Kitten when she won. ...A funnier comparison is that Fabio was also younger than Kitten!

      Kat is much more like Pretty Pony (sans the direct line to God.) Silly girl. ...Every time she re-stated her age--I kept thinking of past players/winners who were younger.

      Her torch smuffing was the best-best-best part of the season. I do actually like the girl, but watching her register the betrayal was just delicious--best part of a mostly boring season.

      Delete
    2. Jools honey, PLEASE tell me you've seen her Ponderosa video. Abso-fucking-lutely hilarious! Picture a toddler crying so hard it's doing that whoop whoop thing. Here's a link if you missed it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htzQwsB2EdA

      I like Kat too. In fact there's not that many Castaways I genuinely dislike *cough* "She doesn't deserve to be here" *cough* "go kill yourself". Grrr... Hulk Smash!

      Kat's just a little too young for certain elements of the game. I wouldn't mind seeing her back in five years - if the game's still on tv that is.

      By the way, don't you owe me some oxycontin brownies?

      Delete
  39. My husband watched with me for the first time this season. And the first thing he said when he saw Handlebar was why does that girl have a mustache. LOL!

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  40. Kim should win this season: Best player and a boring expected ending to a boring season.

    And for once I agree with Prunes, Kat's age isnt an excuse. She shouldnt be that dumb at 22. Maybe at 16.

    ReplyDelete
  41. i also didn't get the grand tarzan romance- it was kinda surprising as all i head really noticed about him & any sort of interest in opposite sex was when that moth-eaten old wreck growled and muttered something about that the girls better get on the pole to make it worth his while when they came begging for embers. it was pretty chilling as it exceeded all the creepiest dirty old man nightmares- he was like some chewed-up & feral unidentifiable beast crawling out of a storm drain- not some romantic fantasy hero. i'm still stumped on that one. i did laugh and think he will pay dearly after that episode airs...

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  42. OMG I can't take all the drama from this show! I'm sooo excited though for the new talk show Jeff Probst is doing. Gotta show Dimples some love!

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  43. thanks for sharing.

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