Monday, May 14, 2012

Why Do You Hate People?


It's been 39 days. 39 days of watching paint dry. 39 days of listening to the crickets chirp. 39 days of hot glue gunning words together in order to make these episodes sing. When the hot glue gun didn't work, I turned to the staple gun and then the nail gun and then an automatic... to my temple. I am a Survivor fan through and through. My blood bleeds royal Dimples blue. I hide bone necklaces under my bed, confuse my mailman by asking "Is today Sprint day?!", and have, on occasion, paid $200 for a few hunks of a chocolate and a giant bowl of peanut butter. Survivor is the reality beacon I compare all other reality shows to. It's the light house on the shore, my north star. But Survivor: One World blew a giant ass monkey and I'm Joan Crawford damn mad about it. So let's just get through this as fast as we can and pretend it never happened. Let's recap, shall we?

Samoa belched. It rebelled. It rained down and convulsed, but nothing could shake these five cornflakes off of the island. It tried with all of it's might to hurl them one by one back towards our neck of the woods, but it failed. Samoa failed. Sucked dry and exhausted, Samoa rolled on its back and cried uncle. So here we are stuck with five girls no one wants. What began as a battle of the sexes, a battle of the nether regions, a battle of the hairy wrinkly parts we never wanted to see has turned into contentment, relaxation, and comfort with stuffed animals on the bed and bras hanging off the shower door. Just a bunch of gals sitting under the stars shooting the breeze. Handlebar (Kim) looks around herself and sighs contentedly. From day one of trying to hold a shelter together with leaves and spit to now - a happy sewing circle of friends. *sigh*

Jugs (Alicia), however, is still all pumped up from that last Tribal Council. In between barking at the moon and smearing chicken blood all over her face, she tells us how it was her idea to get rid of Tarzan and her dream to have all women left at the end. Our little Samoan Tituba twirls tirelessly under the moonlight confident that Handlebar will take her to the end with ChaCha (Christina), but what she doesn't realize is that the Sisters Grim's bond is strong. Strong like a wild thicket of unplucked hair.


And splat! Here we are at the first Immunity Challenge of the night. For today's challenge, Survivors must race across a balance beam and traverse a giant rope net while collecting puzzle pieces. Once you have all of your puzzle pieces, you'll solve a puzzle that will give you clues to three numbers. Once you figure out the numbers, you'll punch them into a magical machine that will eat you alive if your numbers are wrong. It'll open up with jaws of steel and swallow you whole. Then we can all go home and forget this nightmare ever happened! I wish. Anyhow, the Survivor who figures out the right numbers and releases a flag wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!


I'll make this short and sweet. Jugs gathered and untied everyone else's bags for them. Sabrina curled up for a nap under the shade of a giant tree. ChaCha hollered to the others, "It's ok. You guys go ahead. I probably won't win anyways." So we're left with Prunes (Chelsea) and Handlebar in a battle of the twits. Both think they have the correct numbers, but both keep coming up empty handed. After heading back to her puzzle station a second time, Handlebar makes some more attempts and blah blah blah HANDLEBAR WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Prunes reluctantly claps and bites her lip while Handlebar's head swims with all of the options she has before her. Does she get rid of Prunes? Does she get rid of Jugs? Or what about that other girl, the one who occasionally shows up to meals? Sabrina! That's it, Sabrina. While Handlebar twirls her mustache and kicks the sand trying to decide what to do, Prunes abruptly yanks her into the brush and lays out the Prunes Plan. A) Get rid of Jugs and B) Give me your Idol, bitch! Handlebar rolls her eyes and rues the day she ever told that pesky Prunes about the Idol. For the last 16 weeks, it's been nothing but, "How about giving me that Idol?", "Say, where'd you put that Idol?", and "Don't you think that Idol would go great with this outfit?"


With Prunes holding her hand out waiting for the Idol to be placed in it, Handlebar looks at her watch nervously and says she's late for a shell collecting date with Sabrina.  It was a lie at the time, but wouldn't you know it? There's Sabrina combing the beach collecting shells. Handlebar approaches and leans over into Sabrina's ear, "We're getting rid of Jugs." Sabrina nods holding a bivalve up to the light. If she gets enough, she can use them to cover a lamp shade or maybe a tissue box. How pretty!

Meanwhile, Jugs is sitting back in the shelter with a smug look on her face. She observes the game around her, the players that are left, and thinks confidently to herself, "I got this!" No way Handlebar would take Prunes or Sabrina to the final three. Jugs is her closest fake friend. Surely, she'll take her instead!


Plop! And here we are at our first Tribal Council of the night. Jugs tells Dimples that it's been pretty peaceful back at camp. With Sabrina busy shining her shell collection and ChaCha waiting for permission to speak, camp Tikiano has been low key. Prunes agrees and says that with less people around, there are fewer people left to scramble. It's either this or that. Her or she. She or her. There's a light at the end of the tunnel and to leave now would suck. I guess leaving now would suck, but you know what would suck even more? Not getting any votes at the finale. What a giant ball of suck!

Dimples turns his attention to Handlebar who says that tonight's vote is hard. She likes everyone. It's just so hard! The people she votes out could come back and maybe not vote for her to win. *gasp* The horror! Who knew?! It's only been that way for 127 years. To make matters worse, her heart... her big giant blood pumping heart keeps getting in the way. When she's out picking wildflowers, her heart breaks them in half. When she's tweezing her 'stache with some lobster claws, her heart pours thickening tonic on it instead.

"Ah just wanna say..."
"Excuse me?"
"Ah just wanna say that Handlebar can get all the people she pissed off on the jury ta respeck her if she votes raht t'night."
"No one is talking to you Prunes. Shut up and sit down."
*Prunes goes back to picking her teeth*


In my notes it says, WHAT A CUNT! And watching it again, I'm thinking WHAT A CUNT! That move right there, the one where Prunes went out of her way to say the jury probably hates Handlebar and the thinly veiled threat of how Handlebar not voting "raht" could have consequences, would have been my cue to vote Prunes out. But Handlebar's heart has a mind of it's own. It wants what it wants and tonight it wants Jugs to go home which means that Jugs is the 14th person voted out of Survivor: One World. Jugs doesn't seem too bunged up about it though. She blames it on giving up her power. I'm not sure what power she's talking about, but her power to rip bikini tops in half remains strong.

Back at camp a tiny flickering little light, no bigger than the point of a needle, is finally thumping ChaCha on the side of the head. "Yo ChaCha, you got played." ChaCha looks at the shiny dot sitting on her shoulder and shrugs. The twinkling dot hits the ground and ChaCha steps right on it while walking over to Handlebar. "Hey, it's a game! No biggie," she says. Handlebar replies, "Thank you!" which I thought was really weird, but whatever.


And then a bunch of people we don't care about died and went up in flames. You hate it, I hate it, we all hate it which means I'm not talking about it.


Zoom! Whish! Here we are at the next Immunity Challenge. Using a long pole, Survivors will maneuver a small wooden bowl through a channel. The first person to stack ten bowls on top of one another wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!


Sabrina pulls some needlepoint out of her hair and settles in to finishing that pillow she started earlier. It's an island landscape with the S.S. Vagina floating in the distance. Meanwhile, ChaCha has finally got some fire in her belly. It took 286 days, but homegirl is here to play! With Prunes moving her bowls at the pace of a roofied snail, this is a contest strictly between Handlebar and ChaCha. Both women stay neck in neck placing bowl after bowl. One... two... three... all the way up to eight. Then, Samoa fought back. It's had enough! It wants you bitches gone and it wants you gone now. Blowwww! Blowwww! That's Samoa summoning the winds. ChaCha's stack of bowls begins to teeter from side to side causing her to slow down and be extra careful. Handlebar sees her opening and takes it! With ChaCha nursing her ninth bowl, Handlebar begins placing her tenth bowl. Teeter, teeter, jiggle, jiggle... oh, Sabrina's pillow is so pretty! She really captured the S.S. Vagina's humanity - plucky yet girlish. HANDLEBAR WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at camp, ChaCha begins taking her laundry off the line and placing it into her backpack. Handlebar saunters by, whiskers blowing proudly in the wind, when ChaCha asks, "So, umm, I'm going home, right? Just tell me. It's totally cool. I was just wondering. I mean, if I'm not I'll go ahead and hang these things back up because, you know, they're still damp. But, whatever, no rush. No biggie. I'd just rather not have wrinkled damp things in my bag if I don't have to. You understand, right?" Handlebar replies, "You're going home ChaCha." ChaCha sighs. "OK I'm sure they have a dryer I can use back at the hotel. It is what it is." And that's that. That's all she wrote. That's the extent of ChaCha strategizing. Even Handlebar is slightly taken aback by the white flags ChaCha keeps throwing in her face.

I like ChaCha and she's a very nice girl, but (ChaCha cover your eyes) WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!? She didn't say or do anything. To the camera she told us all of these great arguments as to why Handlebar should keep her, but to Handlebar she just smiled and walked away. Ugh! It's incredibly frustrating especially since Handlebar herself was seriously rethinking taking Sabrina to the end. What happened to the ChaCha who finagled fire from the men? Where's the ChaCha who infuriated Jugs just by breathing? That ChaCha would have tried to stay.

And here we are at another Tribal Council. Again, we find the women talking about peace and harmony, how everyone is getting along, how it's been such a pleasant experience. Sabrina finished her pillow and has begun stenciling tiny Horatios along the outside of the shelter. ChaCha's clothes are beginning to smell a little musty, but that's about it.

Dimples raises an eyebrow and asks, "Well, wasn't anyone scrambling? One person had to be scrambling?" Prunes says they made it pretty cut and dry so... Dimples asks the women who is going home to which Sabrina starts picking at a piece of the scenery, Prunes begins to twirl a piece of her hair, and Handlebar finds something fascinating off in the distance to stare at. It's complete utter awkward silence.


"Um Dimples, it's me,"
"You ChaCha?"
"The alliance of 3 girls was formed on day one. Plus, I hear they have laundry facilities at the hotel I'm going to."
"What are you doing strategy-wise to stay?"
"Well, Sabrina sucks in challenges."
"Just because I'm not scrambling doesn't mean I don't know what's going on!"
"You painted tiny pigs all day long."
"Well I don't think you're here to win!"
"Do you know where you are ChaCha?"
"You know, I mean, it's... umm."


Amidst giggles from the Jury and Dimples making a note in his diary "Fire my casting person!", ChaCha is the 15th person voted out of Survivor: One World. Like I said, I like ChaCha, but I think Survivor ate her soul. It took someone headstrong and reduced her to oatmeal. Or maybe Jugs bewitched her as she slept. Messages delivered to the subconscious mind in the dream state are extremely powerful and effective. I can totally see Jugs staying up all night leaning over a sleeping ChaCha whispering, "You suck, you suck, you suck, give up." That's such a Jugs things to do. *horn toots* That's our Jugs!


So, my nightmare has become a reality. We've got the Sisters Grim as our final three. Which, I'll admit is a little surprising. Back when Prunes told me to do everyone a favor and kill myself, I thought, "Surely, this girl doesn't make it to the end! That sounds like the words of a bitter person who leaves the game early on." But no, I was wrong and she truly is awful. Who knew?! Alright, I totally knew. We all did. But only a shining "always look at the bright side of life" person like myself would take those little daggers of hate and spin them into a season long literary assault. Thanks Prunes!

So all of this, all of the yawns, all of the shoulders shrugging, all of the completely full bowls of glitter littering my house have brought us to this moment right now. The final Tribal Council.

First, a word from our finalists.


"Is it OK if I stand Dimples? It just feels like... is that OK or no?"
*A quick and nimble blonde girl with a glitter beret and CL emblazoned on her back scurries into the scene and places a chair for Prunes to stand on. The girl then wraps a noose around Prunes' neck and waits.*
"I think everyone knows in Survivor that a pair is extremely important and..." *kicks chair*


Prunes swings back and forth. Dead. Finally.
*glitter falls from the sky* I did it! I shut her up!

Pushing a swinging Prunes out of the way, Handlebar goes next and compares Survivor to poker. That's where her head was at and that's how she played. She said something about her family, but I got up to refill my gin. By the time I got back to the TV, she was done speaking. Oh sure, she's talking right now on my DVR, but if I give in to that monotone voice, my eyes will become pin wheels. Food will lose its taste and glitter will refuse to sparkle. And then, eventually, the boredom of a life with Handlebar's voice on a constant loop will kill me.

Next we have Sabrina: "I had to scale back everything. I thought it was best to turn down the music that is Sabrina. You see, I'm so vibrant and out there that I didn't want to scare all y'all. I meant to lose. Stra-te-gy! *pounds chest* By the way, did you know that I teach inner city kids and just lost my job? Vote Sab! And if anyone is interested, I'll be selling my shell people in the hotel lobby right after the show. May God bless you all."

Jury, your turn.


"Listen up bitches. You'll be obeying my rules from now on. Call me 'Master Jonas'." At home I scratched my head not realizing Jonas could be so kinky. Isn't he a Mormon? Anyhow, Jonas says if it was a most popular person contest, he'd vote for Sabrina. Again, I scratched my head and wondered what the hell I've been missing in the editing. After throwing some rocks at Prunes, he tells Handlebar that she played a flawless game until the last Tribal Council. He can't get over why she didn't take ChaCha to the end.


Speaking of ChaCha, she's up next! *runs to the refrigerator and places two bowls of glitter on the coffee table* OK, go ChaCha. "Prunes, why do you hate people?" *DUNK* *A-d-d-d-d-dunk!* *backwards dunk* *sideways dunk* *downward dog dunk* *a dunk with a drink in my hand* *a dunk with TWO drinks in my hands* *a spin and a dunk* *cartwheel dunk* *roundoff back handspring dunk* Annnnd *dunks bare ass* Done.


Now it's Jay's turn. He tells Sabrina she didn't just take it easy in the challenges, she took it easy all the time. Sabrina replies, "Well I couldn't very well go deep see fishing like I do!" Actually, I think you could have. The S.S. Vagina is very sea worthy.


Mike is up next and, for a seemingly quiet blah dude, he's holding onto a lot of anger. He's mad Handlebar blindsided him. He's mad she didn't prepare him for it. He's mad he's still in grief counseling over it. And, he's mad she did it all by herself and didn't let anyone else take the blame. Weirdo.


Tarzan goes next and it's just a lot of syllables. A lot of preplanned, not the least bit off the cuff, giant words. He thanks God for the fegacious moments of this romantic adventure at the end of his life and then thanks his wife for leaving footprints on his heart. It was probably an angioplasty gone awry. He's also happy his wife whispered her breath to him and her atoms swirled and blah, blah, blah. Look, here's the thing, this whole weird grand relationship with his wife was NEVER COVERED in the editing. We saw him hide a letter from her and then bow to her, but that's it! We have no frame of reference to pull from, no backstory, no exposition. So when I listen to Tarzan go on and on and on about some woman he's apparently planning to die with any day now, I feel nothing. Nothing. Not because I'm heartless, but because the ediitng sucks so bad and, well, OK maybe I'm a little heartless.


Leif, you're up. "Um hey, yeah, so I'm just wondering why I was voted off. It's been really hard for me." Dude, it was weeks ago! Live in the now. Even better than the question is Sabrina's answer: "I didn't even know you were going home until Handlebar told me to vote you off." Whoa, rein it in there Sabrina. Too vibrant, too vibrant!


Oh dear, here comes Jugs.
"Handlebar, we played the game very similar. *pew pew* I was a kingpin too. I had dumb ass bitches following me around too! *pew pew* If I was up there homegirl, you'd be fucked! *pew pew* Wut wut! I'm so flattered I'm such a threat! I want to strangle you to death Handlebar with my own bare hands." The camera swings in the direction of the finalists where we see everyone impaled with numerous nipple darts. Prunes' swinging body looks like a pin cushion. I quickly take a Polaroid of the TV.


Bitter, party of one? Troyzan says his real beef is with Handlebar and now she must answer the following question correctly or suffer the consequences. The question is, "Does this headband make me look like a douchebag?"


Finally, we have Kat. Lovely delicious Twizzlers-for-fingers Kat. Kat has a secret that she has been keeping from everyone. She had two open heart surgeries when she was 12 years old. Her doctor, Dr. Greg Smith, inadvertently operated on her ovaries and now she can't have kids unless she gets a real doctor to unhook her ovaries from her knees in another 12 years. 22 baby! *But I thought 12 + 12 = 24... oh never mind. Kat's math is the math of the future.* Long story short, she doesn't have time to be mad at everyone. It takes too much effort to be angry and not that much to smile. Awww. Bless. Good luck with your surgery Kat.

And that's that. Whisk me off to NYC so we can read the votes, bitches.
*whisk whisk*


Tada! Here I am in New York City. The winner of Survivor: One World is Handlebar. *shrugs shoulders* Whatever.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Are you happy with your winner? Are you surprised that people actually voted for Sabrina? How would you have answered Troyzan's headband douche question? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Thank you so much to everyone for spreading the word about this here little bloggy blog. I had a record number of readers this season and it's not like I have CBS to thank for that, so thank you bitches. You and you and especially you, the one there with no pants on. Thanks for coming back week after week and leaving your entertaining, and often really really weird, comments. Many of you clearly have drinking problems and I support that! *dunk* If you've enjoyed what I've done here this season, I ask that you please click on my PayPal button and show a bitch a little love.

This summer, beginning in July, you can find me over at the Bitchy Big Brother Blog and next September I will see you right back here for Survivor: The Philippines. Thanks again everyone! Me love you long time.

47 comments:

  1. Great writing as usual - as always, reading here is often more enjoyable than the episodes themselvevs. I'm happy to hit the Paypal button for you as I always do.

    All that said . . . I do have one major disagreement with you. I think you've been too hard on this season and the casting. I say that for two reasons - one minor and one major:

    (1) one of the most interesting players (albeit a horrible human being) was eliminated early on due to a medical problem: Colton. The game would have been much livlier had he stayed; more important,

    (2) I think you consistently under-valued just how great of a game Kim played. Yes, she was a bit boring, but she played a fucking great, great game - she manipulated everyone, she dominated the challenges, she was incredibly strategic and smart, she backstabbed everyone all while keeping everyone calm, and even her boring-ness was part of her great game play because (unlike other dominant players -- see Hantz, Russell) she didn't inspire huge bitterness.

    I can't think of any female Survivor whose game was as good, certainly not as a first-time player. Parvati and Sandra are both really good players, but neither really dominated like Kim did.

    For me, it was entertaining to watch such a great player navigate through the game with such skill, cunning, and smarts. I speculate that the reason you disliked her was because she was allies with the truly hideous Chelsea, but Kim really did play an almost flawless game, and on an important level, that's what makes Survivor entertaining as much as the cat-fights and crazy personalities.

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    1. I don't think Kim could would have lasted long enough to dominate the way she did had she been playing with people who knew what the hell was going on. What a bunch of idiots. Really, a whole bunch of idiots. They never saw it coming and if they did they were too submissive to do anything about it. Kim's game was not under valued her opponents were over valued. It would have been way more interesting if she had to play against someone with the same skill sets and the editing would probably have been better too.

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    2. No - great players makes the others look weak and bad.

      It's widely considered that the greatest single game ever played was by BostonRob when he won. If anyone wants to make a case that dominance is due to playing with submissive morons, that was the season to say it. And it might be true, but still: people rave about the game he played because he made those around him weak and submissive.

      That's what Kim did. There were actually some decent players this year - besides Colton, you had Troyzan, Alicia, and even Tarzan who were playing hard and, at some point, well. She easily beat them all. There were lots of times when she should have easily made bad mistakes and she never did. She dominated every aspect of the same.

      Delete
    3. Well, I for one, *hated* Rob's 58th season. I did not consider him amazing at all--and constantly bitched about the other zombies. (Did so right here on this little bloggy-blog. So I'm heading to Lala's tip jar next.) ...For me, RhodeIsland was probably the worst season ever. And I have to say, that I frequently compared that season with OneWorld.

      But you're probably right that she played a good game. Unfortunately the editing (for every player) was such a crapfest that as a viewer, I can't know it for sure. So combine the doubt created by the editing with her being incredibly boring and also aligning herself with the awful Prunes, I tend to lean away from giving her accolades.

      Yep, everyone did have their head up Kim's ass--and you gotta presume she had some good manipulating skills to do that. So, yep, she did play well. --But nope, I still don't think she would have 'dominated' had casting been better.

      Many thanks to the Glittery Goddess!!!

      Delete
    4. Dave in San DiegoMay 16, 2012 at 3:13 AM

      I think a strong argument can be made that she did not face very strong competition. A lot of the contestants seemed to be not tuned in to playing the game at all.

      Delete
  2. o_O What a sucky season. Thanks for helping me find the lols in it.

    Aha

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  3. I wish we could've heard Troy tell is what he thinks the right answer to his question was. My guess is he was looking for Kim to say something like, "Troyzan, you were by far the best player in Survivor history, and I knew that if I had any chance of winning, I'd have to resist the tingling in my vagina every time I looked at you, and somehow get all the other women to ignore their lust for you also, and all team up together so we had just above a snowballs chance in hell of beating you in an immunity challenge."

    Yeah, dude has a need for his ego to be stroked, I think.

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    1. And maybe some other bits as well...

      Delete
  4. Fabulous blog as usual.

    Kim deserved to win, no doubt about that. But I was so disappointed in Christine. Someone made a comment last night that she just rolled over and died and I have to agree. The Final 3 was pretty set in stone but Christina didn't even TRY to get a seat in the finals. At least go down fighting!

    I suppose we'll be seeing Fancy Pants come September. 3 Survivor's who were Med-Evac'd in their seasons???? Boy, the producers had to really stretch to get Colton back. And speaking of which I was glad he was called to task for his behavior and Dimples comparing him to Russel was so telling! Russel is just fun to hate. Colton you just hate.

    I have a few scheckles rolling around in my purse for you but for some reason my scroll doesn't work on your blog from my computer. I've had to access the blog from my phone the last couple of weeks but I will figure it out.

    See ya for BB, God help us all.

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    1. No Fancy Pants next season. It's Russell Swan, the guy who burned his fingers off, and some other guy who got an infection I think. I thought it was weird they put Fancy Pants and Kourtney in the promo last night, but neither are on the new season.

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    2. Yikes, now I'm a bit shook up by the info that the 3rd return player is 'some other guy who got an infection'. ...As we now know, Fancy Pants did not have appendicitis after all--but had a 'terrible infection'!

      Still, I'll take comfort in your inside knowledge. Thanks!!!

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    3. Jools, it's not some secretive insider hint. I seriously can't remember the guy's name. I can't remember ANYONE'S name, but I digress. They showed the guy in question in the promo though - dark hair, maybe late 20's. The three returning people aren't a big secret. I think Reality Blurred might have the names for you. And Fancy Pants is NOT one of them. I recall, in an interview, Dimples saying that Survivor would never have Fancy Pants back.

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    4. It's Jonathan Penner, Russell Swan, and Mike (?), who fell in the fire in Australia. I am psyched Penner is coming back!

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    5. Lala & Alisha--Thanks to both of you!

      I'm kinda psyched about Penner. I remember liking him--I think he was in Ozzy's first season. I think (not totally sure) that Mike (fire dude) was annoying--and we all know that Russell is going to be blah.

      Fairly harmless repeaters. It's a very good thing that they aren't stand-out returning players. THANK YOU THANK YOU for giving me a way to still love this show, Lala!!!

      Delete
  5. Hey, my scroll is up and running! I'd love to leave another comment since I'm so much more clever on a keyboard than the key pad of my phone but I'll refrain.

    I sent you enough to buy a bottle of cheap gin. Enjoy!

    Jen

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    1. Bless your heart. I'll think of you fondly when I'm looking for my pants.

      Gin = who needs pants?

      Delete
  6. THANK YOU for another great season of blogging and recapping and everything else you did to make this season just a bit more entertaining.

    Going into the finale, I had some grave fears that Prunes could win, that would have been the worst thing that could have happened but as she sat there two hours later without receiving a single vote, my heart began to beat again at normal speed.

    I agree the right person won, I too was a little dissapointed that Christina just accepted her fate but she most likely would not have received a vote and not even addressed by the jury, she was smart enough to know that.

    When Colton was evacuated, Probst commented that history was being repeated. Three people were evacuated in the 6th episode, Colton being the 4th, those three people are the three returnees.

    Thanks again Miss Lala for the entertaining blogs, we all really loved them.

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  7. BTW...Cha Cha's question to Prunes had to be the remark of the season!

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  8. Very impressed you got a Tituba reference into your recap--how perfectly perfect! I actually liked Kim and am glad she won. I enjoyed her calm chess game-like playing, even though it made for less-than-riveting television.

    Have a great summer, Lala.

    ReplyDelete
  9. How... how did you know about my pants?

    Great recap as always. You are the master.

    I -really- hope that they are not planning to bring back Colton ever. Disgusting that his mom had to do his apologizing for him. Can you recap the reunion special next time?

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  10. The only reason I would ever want to see Colton play again is so people could take him to task for his behaviour on this season. Not likely to happen, but I bet he will be back after Probst's probing questions last night. When he did finally apologize after his mommy did it for him, it sounded more insincere than Clinton's denial of Lewinsky. I can't wait for the next season, and BB as well. If I could afford to pay attention, I'd throw you a bone, but my paypal doesn't like me and as I just said, I can't afford to pay attent----what was that? I forgot where I was.....oh yeah...ion.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hey, LaLa, great recaps this season. I'm a long time stalker of yours and I finally decided to expose myself to you. Thanks for all the laughs you have given to me. I can't wait to stalk yo.... read your blog on Big Brother!

    UnclePeJay

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    1. Oh, so you're the fellow in the trench coat lurking in my bushes?

      Delete
  12. Thank you LaLa for another great season. If I wasn't playing Survivor Fantasy, I would have just read your blogs and not wasted any Wed. nights watching the worst season ever! I think Kim's voice hypnotized every one who listened to her, she just drones on and on! Anyway, it's over and on to bigger and better things like BB14.....it had better be an awesome season.....last year, I stopped watching.......it just plain sucked.

    Love your blogs....your the best glitter girl I know!

    Alwysblond

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  13. I was surprised a bit at Kim's honesty. She told the truth again and again, taking the fault for blindsides and backstabbing people. You may not like her, but you had to respect her. Her play was outstanding, her ability to think ahead and avoid disaster, and her charm was BostonRob-ish. Sabrina and Prunes deserved no votes. I hateg Jugs, but at least she also was strategizing. She made a nice recovery from losing her partner, Fancy Pants. As for players strategies, I put them in this order: Kim, Fancy Pants (whom I really hate), Troyzan, Jugs, Prunes and then all the other drones. I would like to have seen more of Monica, oh and on the show too.

    Thanks for the entertaining writeups, Lala!!!!

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  14. Great season...for YOU Lala! No one can make up for an imperfect season of Survivor and transform it into something a lot more entertaining than it actually is quite like you. You truly are a miracle worker!

    Handlebar did at least DESERVE the win. She dominated everything and manipulated everyone much like Boston Rob did (though this was not as hard as one might think). But unlike Rob, she was incredibly bland.

    I knew Sabrina would have a chance, but, in the end, she was a bit TOO reclusive. Strategy or no, her gameplay was never quite enough to garner substantial jury votes. And everyone knew that Prunes was just Handlebar's stooge, so her chances (much to your liking, I'm sure) were implicitly slim.

    Again, great work Lala, and enjoy your summer vacation! Let us pray that watching the Philippines will be more worth out while.

    J-Bird

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  15. Hooray for Kim, even though I'm not a fan or impressed by her. She was clearly the best of the worst and didn't have to do much of anything to maintain her followers.

    I will give her credit for one thing, consistency in effort in challenges. She was the most focused and was always trying to win. How many times did we see other players looking at the others instead of paying attention to the task? Ready, set, go, few lasted more than a few minutes. She wasn't perfect and still nobody was competing well enough to take advantage.

    A prime example of mental concession was when Kat was begging Kim to let her win. Kim was never challenged by any attempt to force her hidden idol into play. A little paranoia could have changed her thinking and choices. The Troyzan plans could have changed the game. He was a weaker player and threat than Kim. I guess they were happier being Mommy's favorite and not interested in winning.

    Even the final 3 selection was insignificant. Most would agree that Christina would get no votes. Guess what, the same would have been true for just about anyone else too. I saw glitter in the Milky Way when Prunes got her goose egg. Sabrina didn't get any merit votes, just the anyone but... It's also why Kim was fan favorite. No reason whatsoever to choose anyone else that 'deserved' it.

    Cha Cha gets the class award for something. She was teflon to the childish insults. I read some of her FB wall and now I know why her boobs got bigger. She lost 23 pounds? Guess that answers the real or fake question. She also thinks she transformed Alicia and Colton into better people. I doubt it.

    My favorite comment on the show (reunion?) was when she said she is in sales and gets paid to be rejected.

    I want that job, everyone else in sales gets paid to SELL.

    Thanks Lala for your perserverance in making something out of nothing. The check is in the male.

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  16. I just watched the finale on DVR and couldn't wait to make two comments.

    1. When Cha Cha asked Prunes the Hater why she hates people, the cogs in my brain hit a skid for a moment. Prunes the Hater got called on her hating and she looked embarrassed. I loved it I guess that's why she didn't get any votes, huh?

    2. What is it about the live show that drives the long-haired darlings ~ Jay, Fabio, Pretty Pony ~ to cut off their locks? I am always disappointed.

    I'm going to go back and read the blog ~ I just had to get all that out first.

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    1. Hey, Troyzan kept his long hair hahaha

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  17. Great blog... can't wait for the BB blog.. so how much is a bowl of glitter anyway??? Oh well hope I send you enough for some to go with the gin.. :)

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  18. My final recap must include my favorite lines from your last entry...
    "wild thicket of unplucked hair"
    All the Sabrina jokes, such as napping, needlepoint.
    "In Memoriam" section - you are 100% right, when are they going to get rid of that segment?
    Loved all your different techniques of dunking your nipples. haha
    Tarzan's hair was very 70's ish. It was dreadful looking. I also thought all the comments about his wife and their love affair was out of left field. We care?
    Sabrina "I didn't know you were going home (regards to Leif) until Handlebar told me to vote for you". If that isn't telling everyone what her role was, then I don't know what is. What an idiot??
    Kat's math was whacked. I also found myself questioning it, wait a minute, she's 24? I thought she was 22. what a moron!

    I hated when Sabrina talked about how she lost her job at final tribal. As soon as she started going down that road I just cringed in fear knowing what was coming. That doesn't earn you a million dollars, it's totally irrelevant Sabrina. I hate those answers.
    I am always disappointed in Dimples questions at the reunion show. I really wanted to know why nobody ever considered getting rid of Kim. Especially after the challenge where everyone picks her as being "the one they would trust their life with". HELLO??? Why was everyone so entranced by her and so stupid? They GAVE her the million dollars. What buffoons!

    Also in regards to the reunion show, why waste so much time on Tarzan and his wife? Did someone tell Dimples that we all cared about their love affair? A lot of people love their spouses, what's the deal?

    And lastly, I'd like a show of hands from this bloggy here on who cared what Blossom's take on the whole show was at the reunion. What another colossal waste of time from a nobody. Really? Blossom? They are scraping the bottom of the barrel if that's the celebrity they get to interview on the after show.

    But in regards to your blog. It was awesome, every week. You are talented and now we wait until fall to be graced by your good talents again. Unless I watch BB, which has never happened before. I tried last time, and only lasted 2 episodes.

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  19. M belched, sighed and said...May 15, 2012 at 2:17 PM

    So, at last we come to the end of this soporific Samoan saga.

    Congratulations to Kim on an expertly played game. Her jury performance was pretty smooth as well. I was particularly impressed when she told Troyzan the truth, rather than chasing his vote by telling him what he obviously wanted to hear; that the happenstance of Colton's medivac was the genesis of his demise, rather than his own gullibility.

    After Kim duped Alicia into blowing her opportunity to stage a coup last episode, the only remaining intrigue for the finale was the final immunity challenge. If Christina had stacked her bowls a little faster (really? Bowl stacking for FINAL IMMUNITY?) and the final 3 had been Christina, Sab and Prunes, Sab would have won and Prunes would probably have been spared the IGNOMINY of receiving zero votes (HA!). So we got the best result, I suppose.

    This season tasted so bland though. Most of the flavours I prefer in my Survivor meal were lacking. Charismatic players? Epic challenges? Thrilling rewards? My palate was starved!

    Thankfully, I was able to rely on your culinary skills to add glittery flavour, and you did a fantastic job of transforming a dish that often tasted of cardboard into a dish that tasted of sweet Kat. I'm ever so glad I discovered your restaurant.

    Thank you for a lovely evening, Madame propriƩtaire. I look forward to returning to your glittery establishment just as soon as there is a Filipino dish on the menu.

    *stands up to leave, makes "cheque please" gesture to waiter*

    Bonsoir Madame!

    Hmm, how much to tip, I wonder? I think I'll be generous tonight because... Wait.

    What's this?

    Waiter, is there an insult in my soup? Did Madame direct that 'no pants' crack at me?!

    Please remind Madame that I am yet to pay the cheque for tonight's meal. Nor have I decided on the size of the tip. Furthermore, I was planning on paying an extra 10% to cover residuals arising from re-runs of Troyzan staring at the sea, staring at the sand broadcasting in my brain every time I hear "Killing an Arab".

    Well, to blazes with that! I've just checked twice and can confirm with utmost confidence that I am DEFINITELY wearing pants this evening. Madame Lala owes me a full apology!

    I REFUSE to pay the cheque until... pardon? What did you say, Madame Lala?

    Ah.

    Yes. You are correct.

    I concede that my pants are indeed on back-to-front.

    Ahem. My honour will be satisfied with half an apology.

    But I'll only pay half the cheque until I get it!

    Harrumph!

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    Replies
    1. Indignant said...May 16, 2012 at 9:09 PM

      Where is my half-apology, madame? It has been days since your baseless "no pants" accusation! Honour must be satisfied - I challenge you to pistols at dawn on the morrow! Never have I encountered such... STOP THAT!

      Stop laughing this instant!

      This is a serious matter! Why do you laugh so?

      I beg your pardon... did you say "look down?"

      Ah.

      Yes.

      I concede that today you are correct.

      I am without pants.

      Curse you!

      Ahem.

      Let us strike a bargain. You agree not to tell anyone about my gin habit, and I'll pay the full cheque for the other night's meal. What do you say?

      You demand the 10% residuals surcharge as well?!

      You strike a hard bargain, madame!

      Bah! I agree to your terms. I shall dispatch a rider forthwith. He will be carrying full payment and I assure you, lest you attempt further extortion, he will be wearing pants.

      Hmm... perhaps I should learn from this humiliation and cut back on the mother's ruin?

      Oh, to hell with that!

      Why, I'll just have TarZAN sew my pants to my legs permanantly! A capital idea!

      As God is my witness, I'll never be pantsless again!

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  20. Worst season ever. Possibly worst players ever.

    The men should all be taken out and shot for surrendering an immunity. The men should then be exhumed and taken out and shot a second time, just to be sure, for letting Kim talk them into blindsiding Mike and opening the door to blindsiding Jay etc etc etc

    Cha Cha needs to be shot on principle but she would just stand in front of the firing squad saying 'I see where you're coming from and I can totally understand. No biggie.' So there's not much point.

    Last of all the casting director needs to be buried in sand up to their chin on a sandbank at low tide. With some of Tarzan's crabs nearby...

    And you, lovely Lala, should be given a private seat and many bowls of chilled glitter to watch the crabs do the casting director.

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  21. The image of the unused SS Vagina floating in the little harbor showed a fitting end to the worst season in Survivor history. I don't care who plays the game the best, television is all about entertainment, and we were not entertained. The purposeful dropping of Horatio the pig into the camp showed the desperation of the producers. Now Horatio is sailing the Vagina to the Philippines to be ready for emergency use next season. I will contrbute a bit to the Colette gin fund, but enough for a bottle of Beefeaters, she deserves it. I, for one, would like to see a pic of Miss Lala dripping in glitter and Beefeaters, now that would spice up the end of this season. ;-}

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  22. Can't add much to what the author of the blog and some comments have expressed.

    A woeful bunch.

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  23. A boring season kept interesting. Props.

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  24. Your blog Layla is my favorite part of Survivor season. This year you were fantastic! I hope next run is better. They had so many of the same old challenges, and as you have mentioned--WAY too many food rewards.But I will say they had two of the most hateful players ever, Fancy Pants and Jugs. I hope Jugs got reprimanded or fired from her job as Special Ed teacher, and I don't care what happens to Fancy Pants as long as I never see him or hear his whiny voice ever! I felt so sorry for his Mother. Have a good summer Layla, and will meet you here next season.

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    Replies
    1. Who is this Layla you speak of? She sounds fantastic.

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    2. You are so funny, Colette!

      moontripper

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  25. "troydouche.jpg." "suckitprunes.jpg." Just when I thought I couldn't enjoy your blog any more than I do, I discover the image file names. Thanks for making an otherwise intolerable season a lot of fun!

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  26. The producers need to make major to the show to eliminate the 5 person alliance from day 1 that seems to have become a staple lately.

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  27. Love u Lala! Keep on writing, you are hilarious, right- most of the time and true. Can't wait to read you next Survivor!

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  28. Great recap, Lala. As promised, I did not watch the finale, although I am sure Dimples looked fetching in whatever he was wearing, LOL.

    The only reason I knew who Handlebar was, was entirely due to you, LaLa. CBS, take note, bitches.

    Unfortunately, next season looks as boring as this last season. Dammit. Dirty balls. :-(

    Still looking forward to your blogs, though, fo' sho'!!

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  29. Lala!¡!¡ The phillipines cast is posted!

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    Replies
    1. I know. I'm still knee deep in BB right now. My first impressions will go up the week before the premiere.

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