Sunday, September 16, 2012

Abi-Maria: Hot Tamale

Pssst. I'm baaaaack. Did you miss me? Grab your goblets of gin, your bowls of glitter, and settle in because we've got 218 cast bios to get through and time's a wasting! I'll do a few everyday right up until the premiere this Wednesday on CBS. My first recap will go up Thursday as will all recaps from here on out. Be sure to follow me on Twitter and friend me on Facebook for updates whenever I make a new blog post. Plus, if this year is anything like last year, I'll get some more death threats from girls named Prunes (Chelsea) and it'll be sassy hijinks for all involved. So, are you ready? Let's do this!

(Her "official" Survivor photo doesn't really do her justice. This one that I stole off of her Facebook page is much cuter.)

First up is 32 year old Abi-Maria Gomes. Abi-Maria comes to us from Los Angeles, but has dual citizenship in the United States and Brazil. Naturally, I assume she comes from Ipanema, wears a feather headdress to church, and struts to the samba beat in her heart like all hot Brazilians do. In her bio, Abi-Maria describes herself as driven, creative, and as charming as Parvati. As someone who is a fan of the manipulative flirty sex game, Abi-Maria could be the fierce bitch I've been pining for season in and season out. I'm tired of these girls who yawn their way through to the finals after spending night after night cowering under baseball caps and crying over their prune fingers. We need some heat. We need some fire. We need some salsa goddammit!

Another thing I like about Abi-Maria is that she has no qualms or hesitation telling us that she is in the game of Survivor purely for the money. No fluffy, "I'm in it for the experience and to meet new people" out of this chick. She wants that cash and she'll strut up and down the beach in her beaded Carnival costumes in order to get it. Finally, someone I can respect!

Alright, let's check out her video and see if she's the jingly temptress I want her to be. Please to enjoy:

Trouble with a capital 'T'. Senorita Abi-Maria may say she'll lay low and play the underdog, but there is no way in hell this little spitfire is going to let anyone walk all over her. Anyone who can call themselves humble in one breath and then tell us in the next that everyone will be impressed by simply watching her strut by is my kind of gal! I'm not saying she'll win the million dollars, but I think she could definitely be fun to watch. Plus, I have a soft spot for the blonde Latinas. Hot tempered and full of contradictions. A magical pairing. Like wine and cheese. Vicodin and smoothies. Gin and glitter.

As you know, I am always biased to any Survivors who contact me pre-season and Abi-Maria has already sent me a cute little note. She called me beautiful so, naturally, I think we're best friends now.  Let's see how long I stay on her good side because I can totally see her taking off her hoop earrings before scratching my eyeballs out while Shakira plays in the background.

So, what do you guys think of Abi-Maria? Do you think she'll be entertaining or mild with no jalapenos. Comment it out bitches!


  1. aahhh You are back.
    I am liking Abi-Maria so far, just reading her Bio and following her comments on FB, I think she may turn out to be all of the above.

    Love the Baseball Cap/Prunes reference, never let a good bitch go eh.

    Looking forward to a great season with you and Survivor.

    1. Thanks Rob! I'm excited to be back. Big Brother was such a disappointment that I'm dying to sink my teeth into Survivor again.

      Abi-Maria is super cool on Facebook and she seems to get my weirdo brand of humor. We're starting off on a great foot so far! It can only get better from here, right? Oh please god let me be right. LOL

  2. I can't watch your video's as the uploader hates all Australians.

    Given your impeccable taste in all things human natured, I'll blindly go along with you and like her.

  3. All I could think of while watching her is that she's a tiger and she was constantly contemplating how far could she lean aft and arch her back to not look flat chested and not fall off the dock. Just wait till she gets a load of Air Baggs! I predict turbulence ahead. Should be fun. Watch them zero in on each other and pretend to be best friends. Muaahahahaha Bring on the claws! Air Baggs better watch her back or she's gonna get popped.
    If nothing else a little spicy flair is worth rubbernecking over.

  4. If she is anything like the crazy-ass Brazilian Camilla from RW/RR Challenge, I can't wait!! :)