Monday, September 17, 2012

Artis: The Guardian

Today we meet the first male of the bunch. This is 53 year old Computer Engineer Artis Silvester and he hails from the great state of Louisiana. Artis has beat Stage 4 cancer and longingly pines for his ex-wife hoping they'll get back together. Ummm *looks around the room* that's a little awkward in my coffee that I didn't expect. *fidgets with a pillow tassel until the awkward passes*

Let's see what else we can find out about Artis that isn't so cringe worthy and weird. Oh look, he believes in angels. *flutter flutter* Artis believes that he has a guardian angel looking over him. Artis himself is definitely no angel, but he says his guardian angel is a total angel. Angelic and whatnot. He's excited to actually be in the game this time around because he is sick of sitting at home on the couch yelling at the screen. You know what, Artis? Me too!

Other than talking to angels and sending his ex-wife boxes of festering dying flowers, Artis says that he is a master manipulator, explosive, and has the uncanny ability of staying calm in stressful situations. I'm not sure how that explosive part goes hand in hand with the calm part, but hey... let's give Artis the benefit of the doubt. Besides, he has a velveteen poppet of his ex-wife to finish sewing together. To the video!

Please to enjoy:

Ohhh Artis. You are delicious. You are a delicious heavily earringed ball of unpredictability. I see a little bit of the Phillip Sheppard in you in that you create computer programs for the government. Is Jason Bourne one of your operatives. Say yes! Say yes! I believe you now when you say that you are explosive. And I want you to explode all over that camp, do you hear me? I want temper. I want arms flailing. I want bark and shell figurines of all the female competitors. Don't let me down Artis. You can do this!

So, what do we think of Artis? Will he have the staying power of Phillip Sheppard? Will his earrings get caught in the tree mail? Comment it out bitches!


  1. I can't stop thinking of Mr. Clean. He sounds cra cra. YAY! I hope he's conniving cra cra and not weep-and-moan-about-the-ex-wife cra cra (that is *so* weird.)

  2. All I can say about Artis is....I cannot stand him. I know I am going to dislike him, aah time will tell.

  3. Can't wait until Sinbad the Screamer, that's what I'll call him for now, until they introduce his beloved and he losses it. I see angry yelling and meltdown, and begging on his knees in his future. Crosses fingers and throws glitter over shoulder. Gotta have a dream.