Friday, September 21, 2012
Go Back To The Onion
One day, God was skipping rocks from the sandy beaches of Heaven. Shaking up land masses in His hands and then with a "Whee!" and a "Score!", God would unleash the mountainous orbs into the Pacific Ocean and smile contentedly to Himself as they landed and rolled into place. I don't know if you know this, but this is how the Philippines was created. A smattering, née a sprinkling, of islands scattered by happenstance. Some lush, some pointy, some scant, some round. This archipelago in the Pacific Ring Of Fire is one of Asia's most populous countries and just the other day one of the innocent specks of sprinkle (I think we call it a sprenkle) was invaded by a bunch of ruddy faced ne'er-do-well's. These precocious poppycocks will live together and fight together for the next 39 days. Some will fall on swords intentionally. Others... not so intentionally. One might trip on a tiny grain of sand with his big toe and simply impale himself on the sword for no other reason than, "Whoopsie!" Only one will emerge victorious though. Only one will deftly maneuver their way successfully through the hiccups and bumps along the road. The others will get lost in the jungle humming TV theme songs to themselves. Eventually, never to be heard from again. Welcome back, bitches. Let's recap, shall we?
With the music swelling behind us, we careen and snake our way through the sprenkles. We float up. We sink down. We tilt sideways and coast gloriously over water, over land, over sea, over trees, over strange new life forms, over...
*chicka chicka vroom* Huh? *vroom vroom vrooooooom* What sort of helicopter or fighter plane goes "vroom"? What kind of futuristic jet pack goes "vroom"?
*a speedboat whizzes across the screen with a beaming Dimples (Jeff Probst) waving from inside* What in the sam hell is that? I wanted an air entry! I wanted smoke and twirls and back handsprings on wings, but nooooo. "Hi folks, look at me drive my little boat. I'll be your Cruise Director. Rum punches on the Lido Deck at dusk! 39 days, 18 people, 1 survivor." *splish splash*
*stares angrily at screen and kicks glitter bowls over with foot* "Let's go meet my other little friends in their little boats. Last one to the marina is a rotten egg!"
Dimples whizzes off into the distance and we reluctantly follow him. I didn't get to snort my three opening lines this time because they were so horribly delivered so I'm a little annoyed right now, but he is wearing a button down shirt the color of infant baby eyeballs which, as we know, is my favorite shade of blue, so I will follow you Dimples. If you walkaway, walkaway, I will walkaway, walkaway... I will follow. I will follow you aboard the ramshackle ferry boat of paper dreams. I will follow you as you make the awaiting suckers squeal at your mere presence. "Welcome to Survivor!" *squee!*
Dimples flashes his pearly whites and gestures grandly to the 3 clumps of neophyte flesh around him, "What do you make of this? There are three tribes, not two." Jeff Kent replies, "It's a fly ball Dimples. It may hit the dugout or it may go in the outfield. I'll keep my eye on the third base coach to see if he waves me in. By the way, I'm a rancher in case anyone was wondering." Dimples then turns his attention to Roxy and asks her if she is aware of exactly how difficult Survivor is, of how much of a toll it can take on a person. Roxy replies, "Absolutely. There was this one guy who almost died in a challenge and he didn't want to leave the game at all." Dimples smiles quite pleased with himself, "Do you mean Russell Swan? Come on out Russell!" And *poof!*, Dimples tears a sheet off of a lump of something while tinkling his jazz hands all around himself. There stands douchey Russell Swan. It was very Siegfried & Roy. Spirit fingers and all. Speaking of fingers, "Do you remember Ole Melty Fingers? Come on out Michael!" *poof!* "And what about the guy with the hat who got the scurvy? Come on out Jonathan!" *poof!*
And there they stand. The Three Stooges: Dreads (Russell Swan), Melty (Michael Skupin), and Scurvy (Jonathan Penner).
Dreads will head the blue tribe called Matsing. For the purposes of this blog, Matsing will now be known as Messing. Kind of like Debra Messing, but not really. Messing consists of Dreads, Malcolm, Denise, Roxy, Angie, and Zane.
Melty will join the yellow tribe called Tandang. We, however, will be calling them Fandango. Fandango consists of Melty, Blair (Lisa), Abi-Maria, RC, Artis, and Pete.
Scurvy will head up the red tribe called Kalabaw, but here at the Bitchy Survivor Blog, we'll call them KrabKlaw. KrabKlaw consists of Scurvy, Dawson, Jeff Kent, Katie, Dana, and Jell-O Pop (Carter).
New readers might find the new names confusing, but trust me... give it a few weeks and you'll be calling these people their fake names for the rest of their lives. More will evolve naturally with the show. Slowly and gingerly they will emerge. The fun part is that every year you guys get to name one yourself. Who will that lucky Survivor be? Stay tuned.
So, Messing, Fandango, and KrabKlaw all embrace their fellow tribemates. "How dee do?", "How are your fingers?", "You take the good, you take the bad..." It's a symphony of questions and groans. The newbies are pretending to be in awe of the vets while the vets are shaking their dreads like peacock feathers. Strut, strut, strut they go.
Dimples suddenly interrupts the merriment and tells our new tribes that they have 60 seconds to ransack their ferry boat and gather up some supplies. Also, Hidden Immunity Idols are back in play. Survivors ready, go!
Abi-Maria lunges for a bunch of wrapped up twigs while Scurvy starts throwing live chickens overboard one by one. Dana grabs a rope three times her size while Melty spends all of his time untying tiny knots on a wicker basket with his prosthetic fingers. Meanwhile, Dreads stands on the bow shouting commands before falling backwards on his ass and into a pile coconuts. Dimples giggles to himself before telling the tribes they better hurry up and unleash their rafts. Malcolm kicks his raft overboard while Katie kicks her raft, a smattering of sharpened bamboo spears, and Jeff Kent into the water all at the same time. A wayward spear stabs Jeff Kent in the knee as he slides lifeless into the water followed by a clucking chicken. The mayhem of the scene is punctuated with juxtaposition. Above water it's chaos in it's purest form, but under the water... it is beauty. It is stillness. It is calm. Just for a second. Tiny green fruity orbs lazily float and fill the sea. Nourishing pearls, if you will, glisten and slip away.
The scene ends with our intrepid tribes rowing off into the distance. One tribe, KrabKlaw, sees that one of their rowers, Jeff Kent, has his leg wrapped around his neck. Melty asks, "Is it broken?" Jeff Kent replies, "I heard something pop like a fly ball, but it didn't sound like a homerun to me. It's fine. The ump is calling 'safe!' I think it was a piece of bamboo that cracked." And there you have it. Jeff Kent will be fine.
Over on Messing, the castaways are finally pulling up to their beach. Dreads pushes everyone aside as he runs ahead and makes himself a little stage out of conch shells and debris. Standing atop his makeshift soapbox, Dreads just wants to assure everyone that there are no leaders here. "No one is in charge. I've done that leader thing before. *yuk yuk yuk* Roxy, shhh! Angie, put that down! Seriously though, let's be a team. Let's all work together. Malcolm, don't you dare start building yet! But, you know, I'm not here to be a leader. I'm just playing the game too. Now, if you'll look at these plans I've drawn up for the shelter, I'll assign you your jobs and we can get started."
The building begins and micro manager Dreads is all up in everyone's grill. He tells Roxy how to chop wood, Angie where to stand, and Zane where to find the methylamine. Malcolm, meanwhile, stands quietly in the background, the observant stallion that he is, and whispers to Angie that they'll just go ahead and let Dreads think he is in charge for now. They'll make him happy today and then they'll figure out what they want to do with him tomorrow. Ooooh Malcolm. Hot. That patience will serve you well in this game. Plus, you're kind of sexy... which serves me well in this game. Badum bum!
Eventually Dreads decides that it is time to make fire. What he doesn't realize in that the resident hotty Malcolm has lived in the jungles of Micronesia teaching orphan blind children how to make fire (or something like that) with nothing but their wits and sense of smell. Dreads replies, "Oh! Ok! Then I'll just go ahead and make the fire then." Malcolm gathers up all the supplies for Dreads and with gentle whispers guides Dreads into making some heat. "You have to be gentle. Go slow. Yeah, yeah... like that. You got it. Come on!" *fans self* With Malcolm's expert coaching, Dreads eventually makes fire and, of course, takes all of the credit. This pleases Malcolm because if Dreads thinks he is in charge then Malcolm can continue to quietly pull the puppet strings unnoticed.
Meanwhile, over on KrabKlaw, the red tribe is just now discovering their new home. Dawson dances a herky jerky tarantella of sorts in celebration while Jeff Kent drags his body, using only his arms, up the shore. He is determined not to let anyone know that he is hurt. Wincing in pain and trying to untie his leg from behind his neck, Jeff Kent weakly claps for Dawson as she continues dancing. While the rest of KrabKlaw carry watermelons and supplies off the boat, Jeff Kent gets smacked with another wave of nausea and lightheadedness. He wanders off into the brush to try to regain his composure when Scurvy surprises him and brings him back to camp. Now, I've heard some not so nice things about Jeff Kent, but I've got to hand it to him, he does well hiding the pain and trudging onward. The poor guy has a knee for an ear now so, sure, I'm sympathetic.
Scurvy, however, is feeling no pain at all. As a matter of fact, he is feeling perfect. Tearful and moved and perfect. He's back on Survivor and the guy couldn't be happier. In fact, he's so happy that he'll go out for a lazy afternoon swim. Ahhh, so relaxing.
With Scurvy occupied, Jeff Kent limps and drags his cronies into the trees."Hurry! Hurry! He's gone. Do we want a veteran to win or do we want one of us to win? No vets, no vets, no vets, no batter batter, sa-wing batter! He can't hit, he can't hit, he can't hit, sa-wiiiing batter!" suggests Jeff Kent. Elfin punk rock pixie Dana likes this idea very much. Jell-O Pop, well, I don't know what Jell-O Pop thinks. He has red jeans on though. That's something. I guess. Now all of the KrabKlaws have to do is follow through and get Scurvy out. Good plan!
Over on yet another beach, amidst giggles and splashes, we finally see Fandango disembarking their raft. Blair is bustling around staying busy hoping no one recognizes her - although that one time she called Pete "Tootie" was odd - while Shakira (Abi-Maria) and RC prance off alone to chat. These two opposites become fast friends and instantly decide to be in an alliance together. Shakira is fun loving and spunky while RC is quick thinking and sneaky. For now, I like this duo, but I don't for one second think it will last. RC is crafty, but so much so to the point that she's doing that thing where she lies about her occupation. In reality, she's an Investment Banker who can hail cabs in the rain in 6 inch heels. I'm not sure why, but she thinks that her tribemates might find this to be very threatening.
And then, of course, there is the problem that RC actually wants to work with Melty. As someone who hates vets clogging up her shows, I do not like this part of RC's plan at all. Shakira, on the other hand, wants to pull Pete into their alliance. And do you know how she'll pull him in? With her Brazilian booty, baby! *glitter falls from the sky* Her plan to ass mesmerize is already working because Pete can't take his eyes off his her plus he thinks she wants him. Plain face plasticine Pete would like to use babe Shakira to his advantage. In fact, he "wants to do some damage" with her. I'm not sure if he's talking about her ass or the game. I guess we'll find out down the road.
Anyhow, Pete is quickly recruited by the girls and now RC just needs to pull in Melty and they'll have their four. RC wastes no time as she takes a walk with Melty and tells him they want him in their alliance. Open-mouthed and wide-eyed, Melty nods and is all like, "Ok. Sounds good!" I think he is more shocked that the youngsters have already started playing the game more than anything else. His only strategy when he arrived was to "go with the game" so, what the hell? He'll go with RC, Shakira, and Plastic Pete.
Back at KrabKlaw it seems like Jeff Kent is feeling much better. He's warning the girls about scorpions and revealing small things about himself, "We got scorpions all the time back at home plate. Uh, that's what I call my ranch in Texas - Home Plate." Elfin fairy sprite Dana hears the word "Texas" and feels a kinship with Jeff Kent immediately. She's a southern gal looking for some southern mischief makers to join her cause. And since she can't find any other fairies, elves, gnomes, or wood nymphs to bond with here on the island, she'll instead work the southern angle and maybe this Jeff Kent character and she can work together.
Sticking with Jeff Kent, he starts to reveal more about his ranch Home Plate and how he likes to watch Survivor back in the Locker Room - that is what he calls his living room. The rest of the tribe thinks it is very weird to watch Survivor in a room called Locker Room on a ranch called Home Plate. Jeff Kent then attempts to hide his baseball secret by telling everyone that he does Motorcross and sells motorbikes or something like that. Dawson isn't buying it though. Not for one second is she buying his big ole bag of b.s.. You see, Dawson says she has a friend who tied her to a chair and forced her to watch baseball, but I'm not sure I'm believing that either. Dawson knows all of Jeff Kent's stats, how long he played, and how much money he has. I think Dawson is her own secret friend which is fine by me. Hey, I'm just glad someone knows who he is because now it can come out and maybe, or maybe not, cause some drama. For the meantime though, Dawson will keep the baseball secret to herself and reveal it when the information might be valuable.
Over at Fandango, Blair, like Jeff Kent, is working hard to keep her identity very close to her chest. Quite frankly, I can't believe only Melty has recognized her. He's way older than me and I know who she is! Facts Of Life is one of those shows that even if you weren't old enough to see it when it first aired, you still know about it. Like The Brady Bunch. The Brady Bunch was over and done with before I was born but I still know every episode by heart. How does a girl go through life not knowing who Mrs. Garrett is? Or hearing about Edna's Edibles? Come on!
Blair decides that good old fashioned hard work will not only keep her secret, but get her farther in the game. The problem is that RC doesn't like how Blair keeps separating herself from everyone. She tells Melty that she doesn't trust how Blair doesn't hang out with them. She thinks Blair is incredibly smart and should absolutely not be underestimated. As a fan of Facts Of Life, this worries Melty. He pulls Blair aside and reveals that he knows exactly who she is. Blair's lips go thin and that fiery Warner anger flashes behind her eyes. Melty tells Blair that maybe she should tell the others. Maybe it will help her bond with them. Blair narrows her eyes back at him and hisses, "No!" *bites fist*
Back at Messing, let's get to know Zane a little bit. Resident sex therapist Denise has taken an interest in the young lad and his backstory. Like me, Denise loves herself a spunky redneck who probably eats roadkill for dinner. She sees the fascinating illustrated story covering Zane's body in the form of tattoos and perhaps, if she delves deeper, she can help him find that elusive g-spot so many men think is fictitious. Zane appreciates Denise's enthusiasm (and advice!). In fact, he'd like to have an alliance with her. As an alliance will allow Denise plenty of time to find out if Zane is indeed a Kinsey-3, she says yes.
Encouraged by his new friendship with Denise, Zane decides to form some more partnerships and work these people with his junkyard magic charm. He reels in Roxy and Angie quickly enough, but it is when he approaches the men that things get a little strange. He suggests an all male alliance with Dreads and Malcolm and right away Dreads is excited and onboard. But then, Zane tells them that he already has alliances with all the women so if ever they need to pull someone else in, he's got this. *scratches head* Zane is unfortunately making the classic rookie mistake of playing too hard too fast. Plus, he's a big mouth! In his mind though, he thinks he's a superstar. Silly silly Zane.
Peeking back over at Fandango, Melty isn't comfortable with the level of progress they've made so far. They still don't have fire or water and he feels like he needs to take hold of the leadership. As a matter of fact, he'll take hold of this leadership right now. Right here. By this blade. Ouch! A machete is a lovely symbol for leadership and whatnot, but you probably don't want to grab it by the blade, Melty. Melty releases his death grip from the machete and heads into the trees to... OUCH!... poke his eye out with a branch. So now, with blood running down his arm and his free hand covering a gaping eye socket, Melty makes his way to the beach to rinse off and... OUCH!... trip over a pebble. RC, Pete, and Artis watch the one eyed, one armed, one legged man hobble around the camp and they simply shake their heads back and forth in disgust. That whole hand melting thing back in the Outback makes a lot more sense now. The guy is a hot mess.
And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! Each tribe will divide into pairs. The first pair will be tied together as they race into the jungle up a cargo net where they will release two paddles. The second pair will then race to a boat and paddle out to release an underwater chest of puzzle pieces. Once back onshore, the third pair will take over and piece the puzzle together. The first and second tribes to finish will win Immunity while the losing third tribe will go to Tribal Council. The first tribe to finish also wins a complete fire making kit. The second will get flint. The third, bubkis - even though they'll get fire at Tribal.
Dimples, in a striking greeny-teal-aqua blouse, tells the tribes to go ahead and strategize. I don't know if this is a new thing this season or just a one off, but I like it! We see the Messing Tribe huddle up while Dreads tells everyone to shut their traps. He's not the leader or anything, but he'll decide who does what. Dreads tells them he is a physical person and is horrible at puzzles. Angie nods and agrees, "Me too." Dreads replies, "Ok then Angie, you do the puzzle." Angie squenches her forehead and tries to object, but Dreads simply places one finger over her mouth and tells her to shut her pie hole. Roxy immediately gives Dreads the side eye with a little bit of "Bitch, please!" It doesn't matter. Dreads doesn't want to hear it, but, you know, he's not the leader or anything.
Survivors ready, go! The first pairs (Dreads/Zane, Artis/RC, Dana/Katie) burst forth and head into the jungle. Artis/RC emerge from the trees first with Dreads/Zane not too far behind them. However, there's a tiny problem. Zane is plum tuckered out. Whew doggie! This running... *gasp*... and moving... *gasp*... and breathing... *gasp*... is a little too much for Zaney Boy as Dreads literally drags him with the cord tethering them together.
The paddles are then passed on to the paddlers (Melty/Pete, Malcolm/Denise, Jeff/Carter) with Melty/Pete in a huge lead. Malcolm/Denise aren't too far behind, but Jeff/Carter are major slackers. The giant gust of wind blowing everyone to the right doesn't help. Meanwhile, back onshore, it's nappy time for one Mr. Zane.
The paddlers begin to make their way back and now the entire tribe helps get the enormous chests up onto the beach. Once they've maneuvered the chests, clearly full of the body parts of past fallen Survivors, the puzzlers (Roxy/Angie, Shakira/Blair, Dawson/Scurvy) take over and attempt to build their giant towers. It is a close race between KrabKlaw and Fandango while those Messing gals are having a hell of a time trying to get piece two on top of piece one. In a tight finish with only seconds separating them, KRABKLAW WINS FIRST IMMUNITY!!! Fandango wins second immunity! Messing, you'll be going to Tribal Council.
Dimples turns to those sad clowns on Messing and asks them what the hell just happened. Dreads says he made an executive decision, but he's not the leader or anything. He made a choice and the good news is that there is always a next time. Dimples spits some rum punch in Dreads' face and sticks the tiny paper umbrella in his hair, "There's only a next time for five of you dumb ass!" Dreads stands stoic. Silent. Stupid.
Back at camp, Dreads does that non leader thing where he gives a rousing speech of everything everyone already knows to be true. "Survivor is hard. It is extremely hard. Especially the challenges. I've played before. Now you know." Um, thanks? Dreads isn't done though. He has more pearls of wisdom to bestow on everyone. Like, did you know that.. "I'm gonna stop you right there, Dreads." Oh, what's this? Zane is interrupting. "You gotta pull the fire outta yo stomach. My legs were crampin'. I can't run! I love how powerful this game is, but I deserve to go home now." Come again? Zane! You ignorant slut. Dreads was doing a bang up job sending his own ass home and here you come trundling in with your Frankenstein tat offering to leave the game. *smacks self in head*
Here is where it gets weirder - Zane actually does not want to go home. He thinks this little display of him sacrificing himself on the altar is what will make the entire tribe "king" him and keep him around. Now, I don't pretend to understand redneck logic. Sure, I love a toothless person rocking on their front porch with a rifle and a skinned squirrel in their lap, but I've never pretended to truly understand it. There's a certain bravado and arrogance that comes with being so gloriously unsophisticated that I simply don't have. I wish I did though. I wish I had the ability to have no idea whatsoever of what the world around me thought. Wouldn't that be nice? To be ignorant to the point of complete and utter freedom. To smile a toothless grin and think you're the shit. Just imagine!
Naturally, all of this is heaven sent on a platter to Dreads. He nods his head understandingly and does that shoulder cock eyebrow raise thing when he approaches Roxy and Angie who are both trying to scurry away from him, "Well, welcome to Survivor. It's going to be Zane tonight." Angie has had about enough of Dreads' faux "I'm not a leader" spiel. She tells Zane he can't leave. He has to stay. That meany Dreads doesn't make her laugh like Zane does. Malcolm approaches Zane as well and says he'll go ahead and send Zane home if he wants to go, but the game can still go a number of different ways. In that charmingly nutty "I once dated my cousin" way about him, Zane tells us that Malcolm has just begged him to stay. In fact, no one but Zane has ever played like this EVER! "You ain't never seen a move like this in Survivor history!"
And this brings us to Tribal Council. Dimples is back in his baby eye blue and I'm dying to know if he'll be the same curmudgeonly Dimples we had last year. That Dimples was such a little smart ass bitch and I kind of dug him.
We begin with Denise. Dimples asks her what she thought of the vets returning and Denise admits that she was disappointed at first because she wanted to play a pure game. Yes! I agree. I am forever bitching about returning players screwing up the naturally organic game play. Pure, organic, tomato, tomahto. Denise is no dummy though. She's wisely adds, for Dreads' benefit, that it is such a help to have someone around who knows the lay of the land and how to survive.
Dimples continues with this line of thought and turns to Zane for further insight. What does Zane think about returning players? On the one hand, they are helpful, but on the other hand, they are better players. What say you, Zane? Zane replies, "Off the top man! It's like a onion. The more layers you peel back, the more you start to cry."
And then we get this look from Dimples and my heart sort of melts. Look at him all quizzical and sassy at the same time. His little bracelet hands one on top of the other. Aww Dimples. Zane continues jabbering on and he starts to talk about his nerves, but Dimples interrupts him, "Wait, wait, wait, go back to the onion." Go. Back. To. The. Onion. I think that deserves a dunk *dunks right breast into chilled pink glitter bowl*
Zane, bless him, tries to explain the onion metaphor, but it's as rickety and flimsy as his cabin on the side of the hill. One little gentle breeze blows through it and it shakes for days.
We move on and, of course, Dreads has to have his say. He admits that today he blew it and that instead of playing 2.0, he went back to 1.0. Dreads says he is once again making the mistake of being a dictator. Malcolm agrees wholeheartedly and says that Dreads definitely came out of the gate way too strong. Roxy nods her head and shouts an, "Hallelujah!" as well. In her case though, she has a military background and she was always taught to obey authority which is why she just went along with Dreads' douchey ideas. Angie nods excitedly and agrees. She ran track in high school and told Dreads that she wasn't good at puzzles yet he wouldn't let her run and made her work on a puzzle.
As for Dreads, he takes it all. He nods. He agrees. He is telling everyone exactly what they want to hear and I hate it! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I can't stand this guy. Seriously. I disliked him on his first season and I dislike him even more now. There is a distinct "I'm better than you" vibe coupled with a "Watch me dance, aren't I so charming" vibe that makes me kind of crazy. Plus, I won't lie. The voice. The voice! It's high because he doesn't have the balls to man up and make it low. I guarantee if he stopped pretending all the time, his balls and his voice would drop. Time to vote!
I vote out Dreads. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to vote and neither are you. Unfortunately, we are saying goodbye to Zane as he is the first person voted out of Survivor: Philippines. On the one hand, I sort of get it as Zane is a buffoon and the challenges will only get harder from here. But on the other hand, WHYYYY?!? Why did you get rid of my redneck so soon?! Why did you keep a vet?! Dummies.
So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Are there any early favorites standing out for you? Will Blair manage to keep her secret? Would you like Malcolm to whisper in your ear as he teaches you how to make a fire? What body part will Melty lose first? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
Super special bitchy thanks to that Aussie bitch Rob Beasley who kindly lets me steal his photos every season. All Survivor photos in this blog are from the Survivor Seasons Facebook Group.