Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Pete: Makes Beatz

Apparently, it's raining men today because next up is Peter "Pete" Yurkowski. Pete is 24 years old and comes to us from the garden state of New Jersey. He's an Engineering Graduate, but he's going to put that degree on the back burner and hit the bars instead to meet some girls. Like, for real. I am so not making this up. He also plans on spending time in the gym and working on his "beats". His beats. *pauses and looks around* His beats? I don't even... what do I... did he really... ummm.

Pete is a pretty picky guy and, like yours truly, has a laundry list of things he won't stand for. For example, Pete doesn't give a fig about meat heads, girls who wear tiaras to bars on their birthday, ditsy girls, people who are happy all the time, people who beat around the bush, architecture that isn't structurally sound, escalators, bad ideas, and traffic circles. You know what drives me batty, Pete? Guys who say they're going to work on their "beats" and then write "PETE'S BEATZ" on a bunch of blank CD's to hand out to their friends. I will, however, agree with you on that happy people thing. There's nothing worse than a happy person sparkling all over your day. *fist bump*

When I dive deeper into Pete's control freaky world, I discover that he too - like Malcolm - plans to play Survivor like our friend Lucifer (Russell). Did I just get another villain dropped in my lap? Hot. Pete wants to be the Alpha Male of the group and thinks puppet mastery is just peachy keen. I think he should mud wrestle with Malcolm for the Alpha title, don't you?

I'm dying to see Pete in action. Please to enjoy:

*pushes pause* "I'm a model by occupation." Hang on a sec. *wipes Malcolm glitter off nipples and sets up Pete's bowls* He is SUCH a douche, but I am so desperate for a cocky asshole that I am kind of ready to embrace him. Plus, it's a bonus that he thinks he's been Sybil throughout his life. I counted about 37 personalities he listed off. How many did you count? I'll just give Pete a teeny dunk for now. In the meantime, I'll write "PETE'S BEATZ" on these glitter bowls and keep them chilled until I need them later.

So, what do you guys think of Pete? Will you be jamming to his BEATZ? Comment it out bitches!


  1. 3 Words to Describe You: Crazy, funny, manipulative and intelligent???

    I'm thinking not so intelligent but I think he is my favorite so far.

  2. He lost me at passive-aggressive. Jerk. Whoever the chick is that doesn't like chauvinists is going to have her hands full.