Thursday, October 25, 2012

The Weakest Link


In all of my worldly travels and harrowing channel surfing sojourns, I have never had the good fortune to stumble upon the land where the mud people roam. Until last night! Until last night I had never been privy to their strange customs and erotically slimy traditions. I had never before laid eyes on the statue garden or the humping machine they call "Denise." What a marvelous place to visit. What a delightful little hamlet to run out of gas in. One minute you're Sunday driving down back roads oohing and ahhing at the charming little run down antique shops with strange ceramic peeing cupids lining the courtyard and the next minute you take a wrong turn, run out of gas, and hike up the road apiece to stumble upon the annual Giant Ball Festival in Mudsville. Carrying your empty gas can you tiptoe gingerly into the fairgrounds hoping it's a friendly place, a place where someone will happily fill your can and give you a piece of apple pie for your troubles. It will be one of those stories you hang onto for life. One you tell the grandkids. "Remember that time, honey? That time we went antiquing for wall sconces and ended up in that charming town where we got our balls tickled and played with the humping machine. Oh, what was that machine called? Was it Deirdre? Deborah? Denise? Yes, that's it. Denise! She gave good hump, that Denise." Let's recap, shall we?


Our torrid tale continues under the cover of a starry night. A whirling swirling Van Gogh starry night where the sky seems to glitter and cloak all at the same time. While up in the heavens it is a mystical wonderland, down below, down here on land where the lemurs stare with wild eyes and know things that you don't, the KrabKlaws (Kalabaw) come trundling back into camp. They have just survived their first encounter with the famed Dimples and the shock of it all still hasn't worn off yet. The shock of the attack. The attack no one saw coming. The one that left everyone with their very own lemur eyes. Wide, unflinching, innocent, traumatized. Sadly, that is what happens when one witnesses a spider monkey woman pounce on an innocent leather bracelet wearing dandy. How could he have known! How could he have known that the monkey would devour him by firelight? In the darkness, Dr. Denise breaks the uncomfortable silence, "Let's make that our only time. Let's never do that again." The other KrabKlaws hug themselves trying to forget. Slowly they nod in unison. Yes, let's forget it ever happened.


A new day dawns and with it a new spirit to trudge onward, to fight. Katie and Denise sit on the lip of the shelter staring at the Manly Men frolicking in the surf. Denise has only been here at KrabKlaw for a whisper of a moment, but she has a sneaking suspicion that one of those Manly Men has the Hidden Immunity Idol. More specifically, she thinks Scurvy (Jonathan) has it. Katie nods her bobble head up and down. "We can't trust them," she contributes. Denise continues to stare seaward lost in her own thoughts while Katie formulates her own grand master flash plan to get rid of Scurvy this week. It is her only chance. It is all she has. Time to work some magic, Katie.


Over at Fandango (Tandang), the tribe has gathered around to stare at an empty pot. Everyone is tsk tsk tuttering about how they need to be rationing their rice better. Melty (Michael) nods with his tribe while at the same time reaching his hand behind his back into an almost empty burlap sack of rice. He quickly shoves a handful of dry rice into his mouth while simultaneously asking the tribe if they shouldn't make one last cup to give them strength before the upcoming challenge. As he speaks, little darts of dried rice poke Prickly Pete and Shakira (Abi-Maria) in the eyes. Prickly Pete angrily removes the grains from his cornea and mumbles to himself about how useless Melty is. Not only is Melty a walking disaster, but he keeps eating all of their rice! Melty thinks that since the human body is set to the precise temperature to boil water (212 degrees Fahrenheit), it is perfectly OK to eat the rice raw. Once the dried grain enters into the bubbling core of the human stomach, it'll turn into rice and be just like it was cooked in a pot. By the way, this theory also works for linguine, artichokes, and potatoes. Imagine how much time we've wasted cooking things when we've all got our very own induction tummy cookers.

Prickly Pete isn't the only one angry at Melty. That little firecracker Shakira has had about enough of Melty and his loco cooking theories. She suggests they skip breakfast today and save the little rice they have left for later. Melty shoves another handful into his mouth and protests, "But we need our strength!" This time the tiny rice missiles hit Artis right between his eyes. With earrings like a pirate and a sneer that could kill, Artis snorts that Melty is eating them out of house and home. How was that cat ever on Survivor before? He is a walking menace to society!


And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, three members from each tribe will race to a large wicker ball. While you push the ball towards the goal, the other tribe will do anything they can to stop you. Each time you push the ball through your goal, you score a point for your tribe. The first tribe to score three goals wins. Wanna know what you're playing for? A dry hut picnic of sandwiches, chips, soup, and brownies. Since Fandango has 13 people too many, they sit out RC and Artis. (You hear that you Shakira naysayers? RC and Artis are sitting out not Shakira. Stop giving my girl such a hard time!)

For Round 1, we have Prickly Pete, Blair (Lisa), and Melty for Fandango. Denise, Jell-O Pop (Carter), and Scurvy will compete for KrabKlaw. Survivors ready, go!


The players burst forth onto the swampy field with wild abandon. They push to and fro on the giant ball until Prickly Pete gets bored and decides to strangle Jell-O Pop just for the hell of it. Game. On. Bitches. It's mayhem! It's chaos! It's delicious! Inspired by Prickly Pete, Blair then pounces on Denise and wraps her in a bear hug. She yanks and tugs and pulls as Denise continues to claw at the wicker ball. Clearly, those fierce field hockey games at Eastland has taught Blair well as she yanks Denise off the ball and pins her down into the mud. Denise isn't down for the count though. Oh no siree Bob. Dr. Denise has the body of an eel. All muscle and slime. She slithers and bucks against Blair while Prickly Pete shoves Jell-O Pop face first into the mud.


These bitches are hungry. They're so hungry, they're hon-gray. They are willing to do anything for a sandwich. Prison rules, hair pulling, tea bagging... you name it, they'll do it. The battle continues as the ball refuses to move one way or the other. Instead it spins in place like a planet. A planet that will later be a charming loveseat for some old lady somewhere.


As the ball spins and spins, the players continue to tussle and fight. Blair and Denise lie squirming underfoot while Prickly Pete has had about enough of Jell-O Pop tickling him with his feather pen. Pete lifts Jell-O Pop skyward and, like a wrestler, smashes him down into the soupy mud.


Meanwhile, a few feet away, Blair has Denise by the ankles and refuses to let her go. And this, my dear readers, is where we discover why Denise is probably the best sex therapist the world has ever seen. Not only will she listen to you intently while taking notes on her big yellow legal pads, but she'll teach you how to do the humpty-hump. Her name is Humpty, pronounced with an Umpty, Yo Lisa, oh how she likes to hump thee... The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump, Do the Humpty Hump, come on do the Humpty Hump...


Now that the challenge has taken a turn towards the erotic digital underground, let's see what Melty and Scurvy are up to. Oh hel-lo nice to meet you. Don't mind me, I'm just sticking my head up your ass. Hey, I can see your tonsils from here! While it may look uncomfortable and slightly rape-y, Dimples assures us that this is all perfectly legal. There is nothing in the Survivor Handbook that says "Thou shalt not stick one's cranium up another's rectum."


Nor is there anything that says, "Thou shalt not go digging for gold." A colonoscopy on the playing field is totally allowed. Besides, Melty is at that age where he needs to get his colon checked every once in a while so it's convenient too! And if you take a peek at Dimples watching from the sidelines, he is tickled pink by the salacious man grabbing taking place before him. One might say that the spicy prodding and titillating exploring is not only allowed, but encouraged.


And then suddenly, as quickly as the amorous ass play began, it all comes to a standstill. Melty sits comfortably on Scurvy's head. Prickly Pete and Jell-O Pop nuzzle in a cozy embrace. And Blair and Denise lie entangled under the ball in the mud. It is a still shot. A freeze frame. No one moves or dares to breathe. With the passing of time, the mud on their skin begins to harden and the six brave warriors turn into crude statues one might find in an artist's studio. Half whittled, half muddled. Yet to be smoothed and sanded. They just sit in the dank. Whether someone comes in or they sit alone, it is all the same. A motionless garden of statues.


Unbelievably and inexplicably, an entire hour passes with the statue people doing what they do best: not moving an inch. Now, an hour is a long time. And a probably even longer time if you're in the cold wet mud with worms crawling into your nether regions. I can't for the life of me figure out why no one has made a move. Finally, Prickly Pete, the only one not in a locked embrace, powerbombs Jell-O Pop one last time leaving Scurvy to scurry out from underneath Melty and take Pete's place on the other side of the ball. We are now locked again with Scurvy and Melty taking nappy time on either end of the ball.


So what do you do when there is nowhere to go and nothing to look forward to? You give up and try to make a deal, I guess. And so, in a very Big Brother way, Melty blurts out that he'll trade the sandwiches he has yet to win for the rest of KrabKlaw's rice. Hearing this, the peanut gallery on the sidelines shouts in protest, "No! Noooo!" Artis simply looks on in disgust and announces, "You can cancel that."


I don't often comment on production and the inner workings of the game, but what the hell? Why is Dimples allowing this conversation to take place? Players can't just decide to pause a challenge and willy nilly barter their spices for silks. We had a chance to witness a real honest to goodness Endurance Challenge and Dimples blew it. He blew it! I don't know if he thought the trade was good for drama, but I submit to the jury that a night in the mud with a surprise attack while opponents were sleeping face first in the goo would have been even more dramatic. Imagine the drama as hours turned into days and the players are forced to eat mud in order to stay alive.


So yeah, that jackass Dimples lets the deal go through. KrabKlaw wins Reward and Fandango gets the rest of KrabKlaw's rice. *burble*


Off to the Reward we skip where some hoagies and a bag of chips awaits. Katie dives face first into a platter of brownies and moans her way into sugar shock. Keep in mind, she didn't even participate in the challenge. She's sparkly and clean and weirdly wearing giant gold hoop earrings. Earrings. In the jungle. Not sensible studs - which are still probably a bad idea lest a giant wicker ball poke you in the ear at some point - but giant gold hoop earrings big enough for a lemur to swing on.


So the quitters continue to shovel their bounty into their traps when Scurvy discovers something on a nearby picnic table. Hark, what's this?! An envelope. A big giant envelope that says LETTERS FROM HOME on the outside. I wonder what it could be! Scurvy tells them it'll be great. It'll be Tony The Tiger grrrreat. And *womp womp* it is not great at all. It is boring. Have you ever sat at home and watched another person read? Oh, of course you have. You had that magic thrill last night along with me. Well, let me tell you something... first off, why are these chuckleheads getting letters before the Merge? Secondly, why aren't we allowed to hear the letters? Note to all reality shows everywhere: if a contestant gets a letter from home, they should be contractually obligated to read it aloud. Also, all Housewives participation in reunions must be mandatory. I had to throw in that last part because I still think it's b.s. that Jacqueline skipped out on it that one year. So yeah, they read their letters and everyone cried like little bitches.

Meanwhile, back at Fandango, a surly pirate is grumbly and angry. It is swashbuckling buccaneer Artis and, shiver me timbers, I really want to call him Blackbeard. Can I do that? It's not like a race thing. It's a "that's the only pirate name I could think of" thing. Screw it, I'm calling him Blackbeard and you can't stop me. So Blackbeard is pissed off. Not only is it his birthday, but his tribe is run by a careless buffoon who likes to make sand angels, eat chicken feed, and quit when the going gets tough. Blackbeard is especially bunged up that Melty makes decisions for a tribe he contributes nothing to. If he's not nursing a hairline fracture or putting a band aid on one of his digits, he's throwing dried rice in the air and catching it with his teeth. Melty is the last person who should be calling the shots for the Fandangos.


Eventually, the KrabKlaws rice arrives and it is pretty dismal. It is nary a thimble full. If a recipe called for "a pinch of rice", then that would be about the amount the KrabKlaws had left. In an effort to keep things upbeat, RC announces, "We doubled our rice!" Shakira, my love, care to comment on that? "That was one of the dumbest moves on Survivor! *hip kapow!* I've never seen anything like that en mi vida! We gave up a reward! We didn't fight for it! Eso es frickin' stupid!" *waves lighter in the air* Shakira, you are a wise sage. You're like Neruda if he was a really angry Brazilian chick and didn't write about love. You speak in pearls of wisdom, mi amor.



RC, on the other hand, is the polar opposite of Shakira. She keeps her emotions in check in front of her peers and waits until no one else is around to tattletale. So when she spies a chance to get Melty alone, that is precisely what she does - tattles. She tells Melty how Blackbeard keeps kicking his barrels of rum and how that hip shaking Shakira is the most negative person she's ever met. Oh hell no. Shakira is not negative. She's spicy. There's a difference. Anyhow, Melty sighs to himself and says that not only did he not make the final decision about the trade (como what?), but there was no way they would have won that challenge anyways. Umm, excuse me. Melty, are you aware that the Fandangos have won just about everything since day one?

Over on KrabKlaw, Jell-O Pop is chain smoking on the shore wondering where his next meal is going to come from. That Scurvy promised he'd be fishing day and night and he's not. He's not! O me! O life! of the questions of these recurring. Of the endless trains of... where the hell is my dinner, Scurvy?! And then, as if to answer the Survivor poet laureate in person, a stingray swims right up to the shallow waters of KrabKlaw. And sits. And waits.


Pardon me, but might I interject for a mo'? WTF is a stingray doing right there in like 6 inches of water? Is that normal? I don't know if you know much about stingrays but the barbs on their tails break off into where they sting you while the venom causes your muscles to cramp and your life to flash before your eyes. Or so I've heard. Let's just say I'd never go into that water if stingrays were coming and going like it was a freaking marine life cabaret.


So Stingy Stingbottom is sitting there chilling out when up comes the monstrous clomping of Scurvy with his fishing spear. Scurvy stealthily preparing for a kill is a little like a Clydesdale approaching its prey. *clomp clomp* Naturally, Mr. Stingbottom can hear, feel, smell, and see Scurvy approaching so he turns towards the deep blue sea and promises to be back later.


That is all fine and well, but Jell-O Pop is weak. One can only live on tobacco and pages from The Colossus for so long. His tiny stomach is the size of a raisin now and it needs sustenance. Sustenance and prose. While doubled over clinging to some pieces of bamboo, Jell-O Pop knows that suicide is a valid way out. If Plath and Sexton can do it, then why can't he? Then, in the dark cavernous recesses of his mind and in the scarlet flag waving above him, he is reminded again of Whitman... rise up and hear the bells. Rise up - for you the flag is flung - for you the bugle trills. For you bouquets and ribbon'd wreaths - for you the shores a-crowding. 


And would you look that, Jell-O Pop? The shores are indeed crowding. They are crowding with the bounty that Scurvy has managed to spear. Scurvy shouts from the bow of his ship as it approaches the shore, "A feast! This calls for a feast!" The KrabKlaws run to the beach and gather excitedly around. They wait for Scurvy to unfurl his giant net of prawns and mussels and flounder and Stingy Stingbottoms. Instead, he disembarks his vessel and simply opens the palm of his hand to reveal two tadpoles and a guppy. Katie whips a magnifying glass out of her bikini bottom and leans in for a closer look. Scurvy proudly exclaims, "That is pure protein, I'll have you know!"


And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge one tribe member from each team will launch a ball into the outfield. The first tribe to catch five fly balls wins Immunity. Since Fandango has too many people they will sit out Melty and Shakira.


And here is where Dimples, yet again, gives Shakira a hard time for sitting out. Shakira doesn't sit out all the time. She didn't sit out in that last Reward Challenge and she surely didn't sit out when Dawson grabbed her hair and she replied with a titty twist. Why is Dimples being such a dick to Shaki? They have to sit out a girl. Shakira is the tiniest one there. Plus, she has a dinner menu to plan for that night and have you ever tried to stretch a tablespoon of rice to feed seven people? No, you haven't. So stick a cork in it Dimples and leave her alone.


Blair will be launching balls for Fandango with Denise launching for KrabKlaw. In the outfield we have the following pairs: Jeff Kent/Prickly Pete, RC/Katie, and Scurvy/Malcolm. Survivors ready, go!


The balls are lobbed into the air and a prancing dandy inexplicably wearing a fedora in the middle of a running challenge scores for KrabKlaw. 1-0


In round 2, both Pete and RC score for Fandango making the score 2-1. Katie, however, stands around bemoaning the fact that balls are flying at her face. At least she took off her earrings. At least there's that.





I'm not going to recap every round so let me sum up the challenge for you with a new nickname. Meet Golden Boy. Golden Boy has long flowing hair, lickable pecs, and can do no wrong. Sometimes when you look at him he shines like a gilded statue. He does the Lord's work tending bar, but would be better suited sitting high atop a Himalayan mountain summit where he can sparkle and bless the world below him.


Naturally, since Golden Boy is infallible and shines especially brilliantly when the sun hits him just so, he is the hero of the game and FANDANGO WINS IMMUNITY!!!


Back at Fandango the air is full of despair. That string bean Jell-O Pop is morose and full of woe. His cigarettes are gone, his pens are out of ink, and he hasn't eaten a giant hoagie since yesterday. The grey clouds in the sky match the grey clouds in his soul. Jeff Kent, however, isn't dwelling on the loss. He is instead wondering which way he'll vote tonight. On the one hand, Jell-O Pop was outmuscled by Golden Boy and, on the other hand, Scurvy is a veteran and veterans are Bad News Bears. Then again, Bad News Bears was a movie about baseball. Oh what is Jeff Kent to do!

Both Jeff Kent and Jell-O Pop agree that Denise is a good egg and someone they should keep around. Plus, did you see her doing the Humpty-Hump at that Reward Challenge? Hot! So the question is, Katie or Scurvy? Jell-O Pop tells Jeff Kent that even though he wants Katie out because she sucks at everything, he'll vote out Scurvy if that is what Jeff Kent wants to do. All Jeff Kent has to do now is make a decision. If they decide to get rid of Scurvy with 'The Penner Punch', they need to do it in a way that he doesn't see it coming. Remember, Scurvy has the Idol hidden underneath his hat. Or maybe Stingy Stingbottom swam off with it. *shrugs shoulders* Stingrays are notoriously cantankerous vengeful types. They never forget an attempted murder.


*whish whish* Oh look, here comes Katie with her giant hoop earrings swinging to and fro. What say you, Katie? "Let's get Scurvy the f*ck outta here. That assh*le has gotta go. Stop pussy footing around you lazy sh*ts. Let's do this and play the mother f*cking game." *blinks eyes* Such a potty mouth for a pageant girl.

"Miss Delaware, how do you hope to make a difference during your tenure as Miss America?"
"World peace mothaf*cker!"

Hell, I'd give her the crown just for that answer alone. What's her talent, gang banging?


And this brings us to Tribal Council. Dimples is lovely in periwinkle and it almost makes you want to forgive him for his earlier transgressions. I'm a sucker for a man dressed like an Easter egg.

Dimples asks the KrabKlaws which of them truly feels in trouble. Denise and Katie raise their hands without hesitation. Denise explains that even though she can dance like the dickens when it comes to hip hop music, she is still the new girl on the block. She is quick to remind everyone, though, that there is value in keeping her around. You never know when an Immunity Challenge might be a dance battle.


Katie's reasoning is a little different. Oh sure, she's crap in challenges and she has the athletic prowess of Honey Boo Boo, but she's loyal. She'll stick with you through thick and thin. She'll vote how you want her to vote. She'll go to battle for you. She'll be your lookout when you shake down that liquor store. Basically, she'll be your bitch, muthaf*cka! Wut wut!

Dimples then turns his attention to Scurvy and asks him how he can feel so safe when there are *nudge nudge* blindsides *hint hint* lurking around every corner. Scurvy replies that if he remains confident then others won't want to vote him out. Jeff Kent sneers out of the side of his mouth and, from where I'm looking, it appears as if he's made his decision. Dimples catches it too and asks Jeff Kent to elaborate on voting. Jeff Kent replies, "Every vote is a blindside." Oh really?

*Dimples whips out a poster board and a Sharpie. He quickly scribbles THEY'RE VOTING YOU OUT SCURVY - DO SOMETHING!* Scurvy reads the sign and nods, "I wouldn't like it if they voted me out, but what a great move that would be!" Dimples then smacks himself in the head and tries to think of other ways to interfere.

"Jeff Kent, have you ever played a game, a game with balls and gloves and bases, that you've played strategically?"
"No."
"You've never hung out in a dugout and scratched yourself?"
"No."
"You've never worn cleats and swung a bat around?"
"This game sucks. Survivor sucks."

Yes Jeff Kent, it does suck when the host, who is now a producer, sticks his giant finger in and tries to stir things up unfairly. Seriously, why would Dimples ask that question? Would he have asked the same thing of Denise or Jell-O Pop? No way. Alright, time to vote.


So with all the posturing and the hints and manipulative editing leading us to believe that Scurvy was going home, Katie is actually the 7th person voted out of Survivor Philippines. As much as I despise veterans in the game, it was smarter to keep Scurvy around. Katie may curse a lot, but you and I both know she'd be the first one to tattle when that liquor store heist goes awry.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Was Katie the right person to go? Will Scurvy ever catch anything bigger than a toe? Has Melty already eaten all of the Fandango and KrabKlaws rice? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to Rob Beasley and Scott Hudson for my Survivor photos!

























31 comments:

  1. I think Probst letting the two teams cancel the challenge and make a deal was bullshit, but I agree - he probably thought it made for a great Survivor moment. I hope it doesn't become a regular happening during challenges though...

    RC lives to grace my big screen TV for another week, so I'm happy.

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  2. I agree with the deal during the challenge. That should not be allowed. However, they do allow it for individual challenges, so IF the whole tribe agrees, what's the technical difference? Still lame though, I also like to watch tribes fight it out. We finally get reward challenges back and this is what they do with it. sheesh!
    All your head up ass comments made me chuckle, i.e. colonoscopy, cranium/rectum....yeh for butt jokes.
    My favorite line though was "a prancing dandy inexplicably wearing a fedora"....... And Katie thought it real important I guess to put her big gold hoop earrings back on after the challenge. After all, she is on TV you know. weird. Great recap once again.

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  3. I am so glad that Blair did all of those field hockey practices at Eastland. She manhandled Denise. I was impressed by her. I figured Ms. Muscles would take her out. Plus, she did great shooting as well. I am starting to get more impressed with her each game.

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    1. Blair was a beast this episode. I was extremely impressed with her willingness to get down and dirty. It is also precious that Golden Boy has taken to her much like he did with Denise. I get the sneaking suspicion Golden Boy is a hit with the cougars on the outside world.

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    2. Cougartown is infinitely more interesting than the Prune Farm. We like our pretty girls, but even Hassellbeck was a little bland. Don't get me wrong there is nothing like waiting for the hot girls get drunk at Young Republican parties. Too bad, but Katie had to go. She can't even run without falling down in the challenges. Maybe her synthetic funbags are brand new and she hasn't learned how to balance herself.

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  4. There is something really annoying about watching a potentially fun and interesting challange fizzle out due to lameness on Jeff's part. "ok...let's negotiate"...sheesh....BORING!!! Do you hear me producers???? BORING! It would have been better if there could have been no contact....just push and pull that ball and then the score! Sweating, grunting, tugging, falling, squishyness......ahhhhhhhh! Would have been a riot to watch all of them in there in a pushing, mud soaked sticky riot of bikinis, pecs and other bumpy thingys. Melty would of hurt himself aspirating mud or a bikini bottom. No more negotiated end to challanges...this isn't the friggin' UN!!!!!

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  5. I wondered where the earrings came from as well.

    I love all of your blogs but this one was especially amusing. Stingy Stingbottom, the Humpty Dance (which is now stuck in my head), the description of the reward challenge and so much more.

    I'm afraid I'm going to have to pitch my tent on the Anti-Abi side. At first I had hope for her. I thought her bitchy and a little unbalanced but the last 2 episodes I've decided that she's just a crazy hag. She looks like one of those people who frown so much she gets permanant lines going from the corners of her pinched lips down her chin. And she's only competed twice! Someone who has competed only twice doesn't deserve a say so in anything. I don't think she wants to compete because I believe that if Abi is not agreeable to something Abi will say so. I know you like her, Lala, but I just haven't been able to get on board. To me she's not so much spicy as she is a miserable crone.

    This blog is my favorite so far this season. I chortled and snickered throughout.

    Jen

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    1. I'm with you...she acts totally entitled to carry the immunity idol. Did ya hear Jeff say to her after they won immunity, that Malcolm should be the one to carry it and she gave it to him....lol...I must say I liked that "not so subtle" dig from Jeff.

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    2. Brazilians are some of the most happy people on earth. Put on samba music, pour some caipirinhas and I am sure Shakira would be shaking it more than you can handle. For Shakira the beach is for strutting not starving. Besides we all know the game needs hot heads not lap poodles like the previous two seasons.

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    3. +1 to Jen's comment re:Abi. I just can't get down. I really really wanted to like her; see her bring some REAL drama and excitement. When she sat out during the reward challenge I said to my husband, "shocker!"

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  6. Awesome blog, as always. I'm wondering if anyone else caught Jello Pop asking Scurvy, "So, are we voting out Katie or Scurvy? Er, I mean Denise?" I was howling, howling I tell you!! And Jeff Kent's look when it happened. Oh, priceless. Priceless!

    I am loving the consistent match up between Blair and Denise. It seems dead even and may save Blair, which would make it hard for me to choose which of the two of them I love more but would also be amazing television. Dare I hope for Denise and Blair in the final three?

    Thank you!!!

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    1. The cougars are definitely holding their own this season and I wouldn't mind an all female final three at all. Let's throw Shakira in there and let them mud wrestle for the title.

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  7. Happy to read your criticism of Dimples during the council meeting Colette, when he was blatantly trying to get Scurvy to play his idol. Has Probst suddenly gotten the hots for Allison Grodner or what? He didn't ask Carter if he was worried about a blindside, if jello-poop even knows what the term means. With regards Shakira, there would be no controversy about her competition participation if the long time Survivor rule was still enforced..."thou shalt not sit out two consecutive challenges."

    In the end, the weakest link was sent packing. Miss Blue Hen can go back to America's first state and we can stare at hungry fools with a canoe, fishing lines and hooks and a gill net leave it all on the beach while Scurvy tries to harpoon a minnow. If there is an ocean 50 feet away, there is food, you lazy bums! Survivors indeed. What a joke.



    no player shall sit out two consecutive challenges."

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  8. An unexpected but incredible digital underground reference.. next rounds on me for that one!!

    But i think the star of this episode was Jell-O Pop's blank expression from the second tribal council started to the end where he was both emotionless AND motionless while holding up the Katie card.. Also they must have used the cutaway shot of him looking to his right and slowly looking blankly forward a half dozen times..

    Quality stuff..

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  9. My theory...Jeff was tired of standing out there in the mud. He has better things to do. If they want to make a deal, the better for him. He can get the hell out of the mud and go back to his warm room with biatches satisfying his every whim. I'd have done the same!

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    1. I like to imagine him visiting opium dens in his downtime.

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  10. Is that just wishful thinking, Collette? HAHA The right person went home. What I don't understand is why are they not always fishing/clamming? Man I'd be creating a aseafood feast nightly instead of eating nothing but rice and dead flies. They players are lame. Where's Ozzie when we need him?!

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  11. Another fantastic blog. Let's hope Stingy makes a return visit, if only to give Melty another wound. It's been, like, two episodes without him gashed, bloody, or perforated! Love, love, love Denise and Blair, the former because she's all muscle and sinew and the latter because she's full of surprises. Kind of hating Jeff Kent, because he's dull, all-American, and almost guaranteed to be a crowd-pleaser and ultimate winner if he's not voted out ASAP. Shakira...I can't root for her. She's just too volatile for Survivor. Now, if she were on Big Brother, I'd be all over that loba loca, but on Survivor, her temper just doesn't fly. Is it just me, or does this season have more hotheads than normal? Cranky Artis, Shakira, God's perfect child Russell...maybe they could ALL benefit from a trip to Dimples's opium den.
    Keep 'em coming, Colette. Your blogs make my day!
    David

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  12. Genius. There is no other word for it. You are the best blogger out there by far! This episode was like a cornucopia for you and you didn't disappoint. From the mud people challenge and all the sexual innuendos that provided, to Emo Jello-Pop description, right down to Dimples blatant attempts to manipulate the Tribal Council with talk of "blindsides" and the subtle attempts to out Jeff Kent, you nailed this episode and had me laughing outloud.

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  13. So much for the Krabklaws's Vagina Alliace! I guess now we know just how important Pixie was.

    And poor Denise, I mean, Humpty! Could she be the only contestant in Survivor history to attend EVERY SINGLE tribal council?

    J-Bird

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  14. O Journal! my Journal!
    Exposure and sorrow
    Await on the morrow
    For my guise is hollow
    Humiliation shall follow


    Journal, I am depressed. My poet facade is crumbling. The other castaways are beginning to suspect I'm a phony. "How can I tell" you ask? Well, I had a hunch when Penner said to me "Cartèr, you're a phony".

    Merde alors.

    Fortunately, after my esprit d'escalier kicked in, I was able to reestablish a little credibility by making a terrifically funny bon mot about a couple of poet chicks who committed suicide. Nevertheless, I still sense suspicion from my fellow castaways. Maybe there really is something amiss with my look. Let's see; beret? Check. Blazer? Check. Sobranie? Check. Goatee? Che... Wait! Where's my goatee? It's the final accoutrement my look requires! I've been on this accursed island for weeks yet barely any facial hair has appeared. Oh, why do my whiskers refuse to protrude?

    Journal dear, I have need of thee - I must pen a poem in you to combat my malaise...

    Why
    Why won't my
    Goatee grow?

    How
    How much longer
    Until I know?

    Where
    Where is my
    Wispy facial hair?

    Who
    Who is the
    New Baudelaire?

    What
    What is
    The answèr?

    Why
    Why it is I
    Cartèr le extraordinaire!


    Bah! Who am I kidding? I'm a poet manqué. Not only do I lack the requisite facial hair, I also lack the talent to pull off this 'beatnik poet' schtick. Maybe I should try something else, something a little easier. Perhaps a surfer type would be more up my alley?

    I'd have to dye my hair blond, adopt a vacuous expression, speak in a sloow monotone and say "dude" a lot. And I guess I'd have to drop the accent from my name... I mean, whoever heard of a surfer named Cartèr?

    I'd be plain old Carter.

    Bland as jell-o pop.

    Do chicks dig jell-o pop?

    Wait. Did I just say "dig"?

    Oh man, I just don't know who I am anymore... I think I'm, like, losing my mind dude.

    I need to chill out. Maybe I'll head over to Malibu, catch some waves...

    Later dude!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ocean of blue
      I have surfed in you
      It was so transcendental
      I am no longer mental


      Dude! This surfing thing is fabuleux!

      I am rejuvenated! I am revigoré! I am a bicycle beneath a fat bottomed girl! I am a phat stereo pumping out sweet beats!

      That's right sugarpop!

      Bi! Stereo! Deux! Duo!

      Carter and Cartèr! Surfer dude and poet extraordinaire!

      Who knew such opposites could live together in one body?

      Live together in perfect harmony?

      Like ebony and ivory

      Side by side on my

      Piano

      Keyboard

      *vomits*




      help me

      Delete
    2. Dude, I can't tell you what to do but I might suggest something not to do.

      It seems Carter the track coach heckles the big boys heaving the shot put. He dares them to hit him in the head with an iron ball. I think they are winning.

      More cow bell.

      Delete
  15. I am shocked, shocked I tell you, that you pay so little attention to Golden Boy in this blog. More! More! MORE!

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    Replies
    1. Dimples should be flogged for his awful management of the reward challenge. Some of us were waiting for the others to pack a little mud into their crevices. Mucky Malcum does nothing for me but you can admit that you wanted to see him slip and slide. I would have liked to mud wrestle Katie or RC. Shakira's hip checks are frightening.

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  16. Collette your highness of prose, may one of your loyal, humble and entertained subjects suggest a nickname? I do not know the protocol. Do I take one knee? Do I bow the head? Surely I jest, but with sincere admiration.

    In any event, I am not sure when Jeff Kent will do something stupid or memorable, but perhaps with all the manly ballplayer talk we can call him MVP. His calling card is his 2000 Most Valuable Player award. If I was on the island, I would have him signing bamboo, rice bags and breasts.

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  17. I did not regret the reward challenge ending in a "negotiation." There wasn't going to be a winner and watching people turn into mud statues is not my cup of gin, er, I mean cup of tea. Besides, it created conflict within the tribes: Will Krabklaw starve to death without their precious thimble of rice? Will the fish continue to mock them as they decompose on the beach? Will Blackbeard tie Melty to the yardarm for committing buggery with Scurvy? Or make him walk the plank for ruining Blackbeard's birthday luncheon? So many questions, so little time. Dem bitches need to shake things up.

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  18. Great Blog, only about the third season I've known of it.
    And this is my first posting because............

    Why oh why did the smoking hot, pretty eyed, long dark haired, leopard print bulging bikinni, RC have to sit out the hot, muddy, sticky, sultry, fap-worhty challenge ?!?!?!?!?!?!

    Obviously the staff of the show know sex sells, why else would there be such skimpy, tight outfits and hoop earrings?
    Let's start a paypal account to redo the challenge with RC involved. Hell, let's have her cover everyone in mud before they start fighting over the huge wooden ball. Thanks.

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  19. The Golden Boy's MomNovember 9, 2012 at 2:34 PM

    Colette,
    I love your blog ~ it's the first one I look forward to reading after every Survivor episode.
    We missed you last week ~ I hope all is okay with you and yours in the Northeast.
    Take care, The Golden Boy's Mom

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seeing as I'll probably be your daughter-in-law one day, thanks mom!

      Delete