Thursday, November 8, 2012

Every Crack Is An Opportunity

The hallowed halls of Eastland are empty now. No more hustling and bustling of young ladies in maroon uniforms and neckties. Instead, the once lush green ivy that was so austere and inviting is now brown, brittle and sad. The glass of the french doors now hanging askew lies scattered in dangerous shards on the dusty ground. It is but a shell of what was, this Eastland. This quaint institution of higher learning now sits haunted by the past, by what never will be again. It is a little like the infamous Eastern State Penitentiary in that way. Sometimes, when the wind is still and the moon is full, you can hear the echoes crying in the night. Is it Cynthia, Blair's opponent for class president who won the race yet killed herself? Or is it Miko, the Japanese girl who stole Jo's motorcycle to go see a rock concert as an act of rebellion against her strict father? No. These echoes, these screams, these moans in the darkness are neither the ghosts of Cynthia or Miko. If you listen closely though, if you press your ear against the decaying paint chipped walls you can hear it... "some enchanted evening... when Blair is at Tribaaal..." It's Tootie! And she is still auditioning for South Pacific. Oh stick a cork in it Tootie. Let's recap, shall we?

The Filipino rains have departed and all that lies in its place is a snake. A slithery slimy snake caressing the leaves like a lover. Wriggling through the jungle thick with a hiss and a side eye, its presence is menacing... foreboding. With the full moon high and that snake, uninvited, making itself at home in the village of Migrayne (Dangrayne), I can't help but wonder to myself whose spirit animal it is. Surely it is here to give strength to one of its own, but who? Which one of these squalid hobo people has a snake for a counterpart? "Some enchanted evening..."

So the Migraynians have returned from Tribal Council and one in particular is a little shifty and uneasy. It is Scurvy (Jonathan) and he wants to know who voted for him. Approaching everyone in camp, he asks, "Did you vote for me?, Was it you?" And then one by one, like an attendance count at Eastland State Penitentiary, the hobos reply in order, "Yes!", "Yup", "Yessiree Bob", "You betcha!" Scurvy scratches his head in confusion and wonders to himself why everyone is being so backstabby and duplicitous. How strange for people not to trust each other on Survivor. Strange indeed!

Watching Scurvy accost the members of Migrayne one by one, Jeff Kent stands silently with one hand on his hip, one cowboyed boot on a pile of a hay and two nimble troublemaking fingers of his other hand twirling a piece of hay in his mouth. At home I shouted, "Sing 'Surrey With A Fringe On Top'!" You know how much how I love a spontaneous musical interlude. But it was not to be. Instead he spat, "Wishy washy. Everyone is wishy washy!" In the background though, just on the edge of the frame, we spy the village idiot, Melty (Michael). Usually he just combs the sand looking for things to stab into his eyes, but this time he was muttering something, muttering truths, "Cracks, cracks. There are cracks! There are cracks! Everywhere cracks!" Don't step on them, Melty. You might break your mother's back.

The night eventually passes and gives way to a gloriously beautiful Filipino morn. Dolphins are playing in the crystalline blue waters and Scurvy tries to harpoon one or both of them to no avail. He caught an old shoe and a plastic bag instead. Breakfast time! Blair (Lisa), however, is contemplative on this unusually sunny day. She knows that everyone is targeting the returning players - specifically, Scurvy first and then Melty - and for the moment she seems OK with it. Blair figures that once they get rid of Scurvy and Melty, she and her not-yet-formed alliance (Jeff Kent, Jell-O Pop (Carter), Denise and Golden Boy (Malcolm)) will then turn their bows and arrows on the three grumps that no one likes - Shakira (Abi-Maria), Prickly Pete, and Blackbeard (Artis).

Pleased with her new plan for total tribal domination, Blair heads over to Jeff Kent and announces, "I just had another one of my brilliant ideas!" She excitedly tells him her plan to target the Grumpy Grumps and it looks as if her Warner charm is working its magic. Jeff Kent nods slowly while running his cleat back and forth in the sand. Finally, he decides that Survivor is indeed a numbers game and, hey, it might be fun to take out those Grumpy Grumps who think they're running the game.

And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge you will divide into two teams. One person from each team will race out into the water carrying a rope to clip onto a fish trap. Once you clip your rope, you'll dive down and release a buoy. After you've released the buoy and collected your fish trap, your tribe will pull you in. Once you have collected all four of your fish traps, one person will dig a shallow grave and find a key. You will then use the key to unlock some sacred scrolls that will piece together to form a flag. First team to finish wins way too much food that none of you Survivors need or deserve because you are all spoiled brats who should be starving at this stage of the game.

For the Blue Team we have: Melty, Prickly Pete, Blackbeard, Shakira and Jell-O Pop.
For the Yellow Team we have: Golden Boy, Scurvy, Denise, Jeff Kent and Blair.
Survivors ready, go!

Jeff Kent and Shakira burst forth and head into the water. Jeff Kent swims with his arms, but Shakria swims with her hips which is much more effective if you ask me. *Pow pow, pow pow!* Both release their buoys and ride the fish trap train back onto shore. Next into the water is Scurvy and Prickly Pete. The Yellows have a slight lead, but they have yet to meet their match in Jell-O Pop. Onshore he sits in a leather recliner with a pipe in one hand and a copy of Byron in the other. Sensing his turn is approaching, he carefully removes his cashmere scarf and places it gently on the back of his chair before marking his page with a delicate sprig of jasmine he found earlier during his morning nature walk. And then, as if overcome by prose and beauty and allegory, he flies into the water quickly passing Blair who happens to be swimming at a snail's place.

Speaking of snails and things that are slow, we now find Melty in the water. After having swum out to the buoy, he just sort of hangs out and sits there until Shakira hurls Jell-O Pop's copy of Byron at Melty's head while shouting, "Rapido, rapido... ugh! Estupido!" Eventually, he manages to release his buoy, but those pesky Yellows have now pulled ahead.

Blackbeard puts forth a valiant effort trying to dig for gold, but it's all a bit too little too late. Plus, Golden Boy is on the Yellow Team so, naturally... YELLOW WINS REWARD!!!

Back at Migrayne the mood isn't as sad as one might expect. Shakira is cooking up her abuela's famous rice and beans while Melty is hiding behind a tree hoping no one remembers his poor performance in the challenge. No one is pouting or crying, but there is an eerie silence. Or there was an eerie silence. Shakira has started to stir her beans and her hip scarf is now jingling in the breeze. You see, Shakira is anatomically put together very differently than most people. In order for her hand to stir the wooden spoon in the beans she has to wind up her hips and swirl. Don't ask. Just accept. Accept and love. *gives the finger to all of you Shakira haters again*

While everyone settles in to eat their hearty meal, Jell-O Pop asks, out of nowhere, "Do you guys have a four with Blair?" Shakira, never one to mince words, replies, "It's me, Blackbeard, Prickly Pete and Blair. I guess you and Jeff Kent can come too since you don't like Scurvy. There's no placement or anything. But I do all the cooking. None of you putas know how to cook like I can. Now someone hand me the salt, rapido!"

Hearing all of this, Prickly Pete does that nose crinkle thing he does when something isn't going his way. A man of few words, and fewer facial expressions, Prickly Pete pulls Shakira aside and proposes that they get rid of the remaining KrabKlaws (Kalabaw) first. He says they should take out Scurvy, then Jeff Kent, then Denise, and then Golden Boy. Prickly Pete thinks that even though the others want to get rid of the returning players ASAP, they should hang onto Melty for a bit longer since he's a Fandango (Tandang). Shakira tightly grips the fork in her hand and contemplates shoving it up Pete's nose. You see, she can't stand that Melty! He was best good friend's with RC and RC was a betraying liar liar pants on fire. That is rule 27 in the Handbook For Latina Chicas: "Never ever forget who betrays you or is friends with someone who betrays you." Pete sighs to himself and silently wishes he could vote out Shakira instead (OH HELL NO!). But, and this is a big butt, keeping Shakira around to the final three might not be a bad idea. There's a good chance she could get into a fight with everyone before then and shave off their eyebrows when they sleep or something so... you know... more votes for Pete!

Meanwhile, over at the Reward, Dr. Denise is in seventh heaven. She likes the group that won the reward and feels like their positive energy meshes well together. Blair, however, feels bad for Melty. He is stuck at camp with Shakira, Prickly Pete and Blackbeard. Golden Boy nods his head in agreement. He says there is a distinct divide between good and evil here on Survivor Philippines. And those three, the ones who refuse to be phony, the ones who speak their minds, he calls the Evil Three. *thunder claps in the distance* Hey, not everyone can be a Golden Boy. You work with what the good Lord gave you. The good Lord just happened to give Pete a permanent scowl, Shakira a fiery awesomeness, and Blackbeard two giant hoop earrings that means his only calling in life is to be a cantankerous pirate.

Listening to all of this, Scurvy nods and announces, "Bullies! They're all bullies!" Bully to you, Scurvmeister. Bully this, bully that. Donate money to defeat the bullies. Make a YouTube video against bullies. Wear a bully ribbon and go see a bully documentary. Shut. Up. Bullies have existed since the beginning of time. As have wars, disease, and mean people. Get over it. Besides, the Evil Three never bullied anyone. They've never threatened anyone to do something against their will. Oh sure, they're angry and like to narrow their eyes at you while the embers in their souls burn brighter, but they've never bullied anyone.

A new day dawns and now the Migraynes are all back together in their good versus evil awkwardness. Once again though, we find Blair deep in thought doing calculations in the sand. She says that if Scurvy goes home, it'll be time to make a 5-4 alliance. And the more she thinks about it, the more she thinks it's another brilliant idea to go to the end with Melty, Shakira, Blackbeard, and Prickly Pete. Namely because they've made so many enemies and too many hotheaded emotional moves. Hey, one person's "hotheaded emotional" is another person's *points to self* Thursday morning. Nevertheless! Blair has a point and it's a good point. Might I say it's a brilliant point?

Armed with another brilliant idea, Blair pulls Melty aside and tells him that the plan is to get rid of Scurvy and then Melty. But... BUT! Did you know that Golden Boy has the Hidden Immunity Idol? One day when Blair was innocently doing the laundry, she reached inside Golden Boy's satchel and pulled out his Idol. It was totally innocent. I mean, doesn't everyone keep their soaking wet clean laundry bundled up in a ball inside of a filthy knapsack and wrapped around an Idol? Sure they do! Anyhow, Blair's plan is to blindside Golden Boy while they can, pull Melty in with the Fandangos, and Voila! They'll have a 5-4 advantage over the KrabKlaw's. Hearing all of this, Melty just sort of stands there and nods. Boy oh boy, is he glad that someone is playing the game on his behalf.

Melty does have one question though, "What happens if Scurvy wins Immunity today?" And then, just like that, surrounded by that Survivor magic, Scurvy enters the scene, "Hey guys, what are you talking about?" Blair replies, "We're talking about you." *smacks self in head* I realize she's a Christian and telling lies is frowned upon, but come on! Miraculously though, because Blair's truths are always wrapped in rainbows, Scurvy just assumes she's joking and off the three skip to the Immunity Challenge.

And - kerplunk! - here we are at the Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge you will race over and under a series of obstacles collecting bags of puzzle pieces. The first three to cross the line will go to the final round where they will use the pieces to solve a snake puzzle. You experienced readers of this here little bloggy blog know how much I hate the part 1/part 2 challenges. Sometimes I get stuck with 3 people in the final round that I dislike and that makes me very angry. It makes me Shakira angry as a matter of fact. I start spitting things like "Puta!" and "Mierda!" Bleh. Whatever. Survivors ready, go!

Since I can't stand these challenges and my only real form of rebellion is to bastardize them in some way... I am going to use the magic of fast forward today. Prickly Pete, Jeff Kent, and Scurvy move on to the final round.

And, because that Survivor magic is everywhere these days... SCURVY WINS IMMUNITY!!! Naturally, the peanut gallery on the sidelines is incredibly upset. Scurvy starts to make out with his puzzle snake while Jeff Kent shakes his head and mumbles, "What a joke." I can't tell if he's talking about Scurvy or Melty though. Scurvy might be dancing like a lyrical fop, but Melty is playing with some blades of grass making whistles for everyone. *shrugs shoulders* Who knows.

Back at Migrayne, Scurvy is beaming from ear to ear. Winning that challenge earlier and finally nailing his pirouette were the best things he has ever done in his entire life. Golden Boy, however, isn't as pleased. The plan was to send Scurvy home, but now that it's all shot to hell, they need to come up with a new plan.

Golden Boy and the rest of the crew say the vote will basically be the same thing they had planned all along only in a different order. Melty will go home tonight instead of Scurvy. Blair hears everyone talking about Melty going home and she nods OK, but inside she has got... say it with me now... Another one of her brilliant ideas!

Seeing Prickly Pete sitting all alone, Blair eyes her mark. She smooths down her skort, puts her hair behind her ears, and lets those Warner browns do what they do best - twinkle!
"Oh, hey Prickly Pete. I didn't see you sitting there. How do you get your shorts so yellow?"
*Pete grumbles and scowls*
"Really? That's fascinating. So, yeah, Golden Boy has the Hidden Immunity Idol and only Denise and I know about it."
"For realsies?"
"For realsies."
"I innocently found it while I was fondling his underwear."
*Pete furrows his brow*
"Let's blindside him tonight before he gets a chance to use his panty Idol."
*Pete burbles*
"His real allegiance is with the others, not us. OK, laters!"
*Pete sits stone faced* 

Annnnnd scene!

It was like a drive by shooting. Have you seen Pete's face now? He's all crinkled and confused. He has his arms wrapped around his legs and he's rocking back and forth muttering something about bros before hos. Golden Boy was his friend. Pete trusted him. Blindsiding him like Blair wants to do is one thing, but what about Pete?!? He was just blindsided by Golden Boy's sneaky panty Idol!

Prickly Pete now has some investigating to do. Let's see how he fares.
"Do you have a Hidden Immunity Panty Idol?"
"Who, me?"
"Yeah you."
"Umm no."
"Are you sure?"
"Sure I'm sure! Who told you I had a panty Idol?"
"What people?"
"Blair Warner."
"Do I have to scramble now?"
"No, don't scramble. Let's just vote out Jeff Kent."
"Ok brah."
*high five*

See? That Blair Warner is such a liar. The second Pete saw the panic on Golden Boy's face Pete knew he was right all along - Golden Boy does not have an Idol. Pete saw into his soul. Bros before hos is a lifelong thing and not many people understand that. Pete understands it though. And thankfully, so does Golden Boy.

Ready with their brand spanking new plan, Prickly Pete and Golden Boy approach the other KrabKlaw's and Melty. They want to know if anyone else has heard about this cockamamie panty Idol rumor. Jell-O Pop looks up from the partridge feather he had been contemplating for the last three hours and mumbles, "Play it if you have it." Upon hearing this, Golden Boy blurts, "We're voting out Jeff Kent!"

Because Blair is smart and intuitive, she can sense that something is amiss at Migrayne. She needs to have another talk with Prickly Pete.
"Is Golden Boy going to ask me if I told you about the panty Idol?"
"Uh uh."
"Did you tell Golden Boy I told you about the Idol?"
"No. People just know."
"How do they know?"
"They just do."
"But how?"
"Someone told them."

So, yeah, that went well. Clearly, Prickly Pete is lying and is like the worst actor ever. Naturally, this annoys Blair who is, as we all know, an accomplished television actress from yesteryear. But, get this. While Blair is annoyed that Pete hasn't studied the Strasberg Method, Pete is bemoaning the fact that being the tribal mastermind is oh so hard. Mastermind? What mastermind? Prickly Pete, are you insinuating that you are a mastermind? *covers mouth and giggles* Oh hush.

But back in the thick of things, Golden Boy is flustered and worried. He knows the importance of bros before hos, but he thinks it still counts if his bro is a different bro from Pete bro. Long story short, Golden Boy tells Jeff Kent that both of their names are being thrown around camp and he doesn't like what he's been hearing. Obviously, Jeff Kent can't have this either so the two of them come up with yet another plan - Prickly Pete! They'll vote out Prickly Pete and cut off the head of the snake while they can. Golden Boy scurries off to share the news with Denise while Jeff Kent scampers off to let Jell-O Pop in on the new plan. When Jell-O Pop hears Jeff Kent tell him to vote out Prickly Pete, Jell-O Pop takes his feather between his fingertips, purses his lips just so, and blows his feather into the breeze. After watching it float away for a good five minutes, he turns to Jeff Kent and says, "I thought they were sending you home tonight."

While the color drains from Jeff Kent's face, Golden Boy is chin deep in mud frantically digging up his Idol. Where is that damn thing?! Finally, right before the Tribal bell dings, he finds his Idol and stuffs it into his purse. Better safe than sorry.

And this brings us to Tribal Council. After parading in RC as the first member of the Jury (and Shakira shooting a poison dart into the side of her neck) we get down to business. Dimples begins by asking Melty if he feels pressure since returning players are not always welcome. Melty replies, "I did feel pressure, but it went bye bye when I heard all the new plans."

Hearing this, Golden Boy laughs heartily and uncomfortably. It was one of those laughs that said, "Hey, ask me what I'm laughing about so I can tell you that it's no laughing matter at all." Dimples obliges and Golden Boy tells the tale of how he put his faith in a little Texas girl and she went and ground up his bones before snorting them and howling at the full moon. Blair nods her head slowly at first and then excitedly, "I sure did! I totally snorted that sh*t up. I cannot tell a lie."

Dimples points out that theoretically it should 5 on 5 right now - Fandango v. KrabKlaw. But leave it to that sexed up Denise to deliver not only the best line of the night, but give me my title. Denise replies, "Every crack is an opportunity." And suddenly, I am reminded of the opening scene of the show when the Village Idiot was mumbling something about cracks. Maybe he's not an idiot after all. Maybe he's one of those savant prophet people that seem to be mumbling nonsense, but is really mumbling truth. What say you now Melty? "Lala, Lala, famous, author, millionaire, Lala, nipples, nipples, I see nipples, private island nipples." He IS a prophet!

Enough of that silliness. Let's get to my most favorite person ever... Shakira. *jingle jangle* Dimples asks Shakira if she is annoyed that Blair went and screwed everything up. Look, asking Shakira if she is annoyed is like asking me if I'm sitting here slurping on a vicodin slushee wearing only a feather boa. Of course she's annoyed! In fact, she's so annoyed that all of this is "ludacrist" I'll have you know. *scratches 'ludicrous' out of the dictionary and writes 'ludicrist' in its place* It's all ludacrist, bitches. It's ludacrist because Golden Boy is strong and Melty is ridiculist.

Then, out of nowhere, Golden Boy whips his Idol out of his panties and holds it up for all to see. "I'm playing this bitch and I'm not going home. If anyone jumps on Blair's boat, they're gonna get a surprise." Is it a kiss? Is it a fondle? What kind of surprise are you talking about Golden Boy because I'll jump on that boat right now if it's a naked surprise.

Dimples then asks if anyone else has an Idol they want to share. At home I covered my eyes with my pasties because I knew. I just knew. You see, Shakira and I are cut from the same fabulous sequined cloth. If you dare us, we're gonna show off. We're gonna flaunt our wares. It's in our blood. And that's exactly what Shakira does. She whips out her Idol and says, "Oh this old thing? Yeah I have it. Maybe I'll use it to protect someone on my tribe. Lo ro lo le lo le." From the cheap seats, Scurvy giggles, "This is awesome."

Speaking of Scurvy, he wants to ask something. He wants to know why they don't march forward with six people and keep Melty. He is hinting that they should probably vote out Pete, Shakira or Blackbeard. Blair, however, has a different idea. "Plan B," she says. At home I scratched my head and wondered how the Morning After Pill got all messed up in this before I realized she's talking about another Plan B. Whoopsie. Her Plan B is the Jeff Kent Plan B, but Jeff Kent doesn't know that. Jeff Kent still thinks Prickly Pete is going home from what I can tell.

After some more deliberation where everyone confesses that they're now all scared to go home, it's time to vote. If anyone would like to play their Hidden Immunity Idol, please do so now. Both Shakira and Golden Boy smirk to themselves and sit on their own hands. No idols will be played tonight. Hot damn! And so, in a very close vote, Jeff Kent will not be rounding home plate after all. He is the 9th person voted out of Survivor Philippines and the 2nd person to join the Jury.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Was keeping Melty a good idea? Are the Evil Three now the Evil Five? Is Blair in trouble without Jeff Kent around to target Scurvy? Should anyone anywhere in the history of the world take a political stand in their moronic exit speech? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Thanks to Rob Beasley for my lovely Survivor photos!


  1. I thought that was one of the wildest Tribals I've ever seen on the show. I find it odd that when most people would sit on or hide an idol, they felt it was wise to show it off - I guess it worked last night because it forced people towards Pete and Jeff, but next time everyone will have had a few days to think strategy, not to mention there's always Blair Warner around to fuck up a good alliance plan so the next few episodes should prove to be a lot of fun.

    Oh, and RC looked amazing, as usual #teamRC

    1. Did you see that look Scurvy made when they strutted RC out for the jury. It was the “Huh-huh, I’d hit that” look. He mistakenly thinks he’s got game in more ways than one. By the way, everything she wears is so damn tight. The jury parade will be fine every week.

    2. Random thoughts:

      Am I the only one who was mesmerized by that Shakira ass-shaking clip for a long many seconds. Wait, I am going to page up and stare at it again………………………….Okay, I’m back.

      As far as our little Shakira showing the idol in a bold move of power and manipulation, may I call on the words of the great Rock Poet Ted Nugent: “When in doubt, whip it out!”

      Bitchy baseball history lesson: Jeff Kent was an overly tense sour puss when he played. He fought with teammates and was a loner. He said Vin Scully the legendary and eloquent 60 year Dodger broadcaster talked too much. Hello Jeff!!! He’s paid to speak into a microphone.

      If I had made $60 million playing a game, I would have avoided an exit statement focused on money and taxation. Graciously say it was great to be on Survivor and thank God for being one lucky gene mash born with great hand-eye coordination. However, Obama is just a politician. People get so upset when someone uses his name in vain.

      Back up to the
      Shakira assquake....................Back again.

      I loved Blair running around plotting and loved the Tribal Council. However, the vote mostly fell along tribal lines after all the strategery, head games and council chit-chat. 5 Fandango votes for JK and 4 KrabKlaw votes for Pete. I think they still had their votes pre-determined regardless of how the producer’s edited the show. The real game has not come out in the vote yet. We do know Malcolm is out of Fandango for now. Perhaps there was a Mastermind who convinced Malcolm that there was a bloc of six opposing the core Fandango. Was it Blair? Clearly Blair and Melty are thinking about taking on Scurvy and pivoting away from Fandango. Maybe the alliances are taking on a 3-3-3 dynamic. I hope so for good TV sake.

      Jello-Pop is in a very weak place. He and Malcolm had that dumbfounded look on their faces. However, Malcolm looked so innocent and pretty while Jello-Pop just looked dumb.

      When Scurvy voted for Shakira, maybe no one was really bringing him in on their vote. I felt bad for him at the immunity challenge when everyone was cheering against him. He was the epitome of the unpopular kid who just happens to not be in one of the cliques at school. He did declare himself a free agent a few weeks ago so right now his game is trying to stay neutral and avoid crossfire. He can cause some mischief if the Fandango Five are only Three. F--- them all Penner!

  2. Brilliant as always, Ms Lalalalala. I especially liked the term Migrayne.

  3. OK, so during the blog hiatus last week, undoubtedly brought on by a massive hangover and temporary shortage of glitter, my anonymous little self suggested that JK might very well be the next to go, and voila. In the last month, I also predicted the outcome of the world series and the precise number of electoral college votes el presidente would receive (ok, specifically I said between 300 and 350 and closer to 350). Clearly I am wasting my predictive powers and should be forcasting upcoming earthquakes or tidal waves, or at least when my GF will be pissed at me, all of which I have failed to focus on so far. JK was a strategic player and fun to watch, in an anti fancy pants sort of way, and I will miss him. The evil three is far too dark and boring for me, kind of like Karl Rove, and I hope they are dislodged ASAP!

  4. I don't think his exit speech was moronic at all, i thought it was fucking great! He clearly was just making a point that survivor wasn't about the money for him just the W.

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  6. Excellent recap Lala.

    I was surprised by Blair (Lisa) being so "scheming". Love her waking up and playing the game.

    As for Jeff "I made 60 million playing baseball" Kent...Whatever dude! Seriously...that is more money than most of us will see in our need to throw that in the faces of the audience. No, he doesn't need the money...OBVIOUSLY...we all KNEW that already. Thanks for clearing that up moron. I am glad he is gone personally. I don't like "celebrities" on Survivor and I don't count Blair (Lisa) in that because she has not been on TV in forever except re-runs. He was in MLB up until very recently.

  7. I want Jeff Kent's fabulously, frickin' pissed-off, straight-to-the-point, clearly unrehearsed exit speech to replace the theme music on the show. It. Was. Spectacular. I always knew he was a big-time conservative and closeted sore loser/overprivileged crybaby, and that good-bye just cemented it. My big fear was that he'd be voted Most Popular Survivor, and now that's NEVER going to happen. I must have rewound that kiss-off ten times last night. Next to knowing that Romney and Ryan hadn't won, JK's ouster was the best news I could have gotten this week.
    On another note, I can almost appreciate Shakira's cojones enormes. Yes, she's sour as a limón and apparently physically incapable of producing a sonrisa, but when she pulled out that Immunity Idol, I gained respect for that loca. So, I guess I'm slowly coming around to your way of thinking, Colette. Would it be too much to ask for Blair and Shakira to team up? If the former is serious about sitting with a guaranteed loser at the end, she could do a LOT worse than aligning herself with Shakira, no?

  8. What an unbelievable episode climaxing with a Tribal council not seen for a long time.

    I am glad you pointed out Prickly Pete's outrageous laughable claim of him being the mastermind of the moment, he tells Golden Boy about his Idol the minute he joing Fandango, does not believe Blair that Golden Boy has one simply because he trusts Golden Boy and he would have told me, they're Bro's right?

    TC was absolutely amazing, from the snarly greeting Shakira gave RC to the "I'm a rich-sore-loser-this-game-sucks exit speech, it had everything.

    When Probst asked anyone(?) if they had another Idol stuffed in their pants, wow when Shakira wipped hers out, I along with the remainder of you was laughing out loud...WTF and Probst was thinking the same thing before actually breaking into tears of laughter. Wow I just loved it all.

    Your recap of events highlighted blow by blow was simply amazing, great episode, great recap (oh great pics if i can say so)

  9. Thanks for a great blog Colette Lala! LOL'd at least four times reading it. You and Sha-beatch-kira both show offs!
    Hobos replying in order, wishy washy, there are cracks, delicate sprig of jasmine, nose crinkle thing, off the three skip to challenge,
    Scurvy starts to make out with his puzzle snake, innocently found it while I was fondling his underwear,
    panty idol, What people? Blair Warner, ok brah, highfive bro, bros before hos, color leaving J kent's face, slurping on a vicodin slushee (want!)

    Jeff Kent came off as a washed up, spoiled, conservative boring texan, sore loser punk we all knew he was. My dislike for him quadrupled with his whiny exit bitch and moan. F him!

    I like Scurvy, good player, well thought, and well spoken........And I've always known he reminded me of someone......whom? I'd try to figure it out each week and then last night it hit me............Scurvy's voice sounds just like Alan Alda ! I could so see Scurvy narrating some science segment on future PBS Specials.

    Fantastically enjoyable blog! Thanks Again.

    1. Yes on Alan Alda. We were sayin the same exact thing!

  10. The Joker would have liked last night's episode--it was CHAOS, pure CHAOS! (And I loved it! Great episode, and great job Lala!)


  11. Great recap. So glad you're back, I was in withdrawal!

    Can anyone tell me who voted for who at tribal? I missed it but am very curious.

  12. I'm pretty sure that Scurvy voted for Abi instead of Pete. If he would have voted for Pete, the vote would have been 5-5. I'm not sure what his reasoning was with that vote. The votes for Jeff were Pete, Abi, Artis, Skupin, and Lisa. Votes for Pete were Malcolm, Denise, Jeff, and Carter. Then Scurvy comes out of left field and votes for Abi. With all of this talk during tribal of a 6 person alliance, not sure why he made that move.

  13. During the Immunity Challenge did anyone notice how Abi languidly climbed over her obstacle? This girl doesn't even pretend to try and in my Survivor manual if you continue to be useless during challenges then outside of TC what you say and think doesn't mean shit.

    I know, I know, I get the finger for my Anti-Abiness. I can't call her a bitch and sully the good name of bitch but I won't go so far as to call her a C U Next Tuesday either. I need something in between....I'll work on it.


    1. Lying devil whore!

      *finger times three*

    2. And Jen, the lovely and talented Rob Beasley (the guy who provides my pics) sent me a photo of Shakira going under the obstacle not languidly over (you can probably see it yourself at Survivor Seasons). And, if I recall correctly, she was close to being in that final three. She also did very well in her Reward Challenge. I'm not sure where the Challenge-Hate is coming from, but she's always done well and scored points for her team - unlike someone like Katie or Angie. You can call Shakira several names, but "lazy" isn't one of them.

  14. Finally some excitement and twists. I was even pleased to see Penner win the immunity challenge. It's more entertaining when something happens to screw up the plans. Surely you appreciated a bench full of different expressions of confusion and disappointment.

    I don't agree with Blair's brilliance. The only thing we learned for certain is there isn't a solid alliance to be found anywhere. Once again she lays out a pretty detailed assesment at tribal. I don't know if that's good or bad. As it turns out, if the voting list is correct, Penner was the deciding vote by voting for Abi. He might have done that based on gut feelings about what everyone else was going to do, or just to remain neutral while breaking a potential tie situation. He had a good day. He's gone in the next tribal anyway.

    What was Dimples referring to as the giant missed opportunity? The idol holders both played a bold bluff and it paid off. That might have gone very differently if there had been some time for the rest to design a split vote scenario to take at least one idol out of play. Not taking a swing at either of them could be a mistake. Malcum was a sitting duck for a blindside. Where did his confidence come from in that moment? He REALLY was a target in one of Blair's plans. Without Kent around to banter about no veteran can win, keeping Penner around and blindsiding Malcum might still be a smarter play. There are very few players that can defend themselves winning immunity on a consistent basis, if ever.

    It was worth it to hear the crack of the bat upside JK's head. Heck yeah, I loved his parting words too. Now he gets some quality time with RC.

    Dear Lala, more nipples, gin, and glitter dipping. You didn't even dip the finger this time. Sorry, I'm starting to feel as if you are insulting the only Shakira when I see the video clip. Abi is no Shakira.

    Thanks for another fine blog entry.

    1. I don't think Blair is particularly brilliant either. "I've got another one of my brilliant ideas" is her catch phrase from Facts Of Life... which is why I kept referencing it. It's meant to be funny.

    2. Commander-In-ThiefNovember 9, 2012 at 3:23 PM

      I believe the missed opportunity JP mentioned was the smaller tribe having a chance to take out a Fandang.

      Loved JK's parting shot; wish more states were like Texas.....

  15. Skupin is a snake in the grass. Last week he left RC and Penner in the lurch and voted for Penner (instead for Pete). This week, he votes for Jeff, instead of staying with "the 6". Is he getting credit for this loyalty with the rest of Tandang? It doesn't seem like it. What's his motivation here?

    And why the hell did Penner vote for ABI??? Where did that come from????

    1. Scurvy said on his Facebook that he wasn't allowed to comment on why he voted for Abi. It's kind of like last season when ChaCha kept voting for someone (I can't remember who at the moment) and we were all wondering why she was doing it. She told me she wasn't allowed to comment. Weird.

    2. From what other people are saying, Scurvy knew that Melty was voting with the rest of Tandang, and therefore threw a vote at Shakira to send Jeff Kent home - and stoke Shakira's paranoia. I guess I can see that.

      And as far as Melty goes, I think he's close with Blair and Scurvy, which explains why he didn't go with "the six". Still, you'd think he'd be itching to get rid of Pete.

      So even after the season is over, contestants can't comment on votes? That is weird.

    3. I suspect Penner and Skupin are up to something. The vets watching out for each other seems to be the only logical explanation for their votes. Now they're both in better shape with Jeff gone, who for some unknown reason, was fixated on leading a crusade against returnees.

      This might end up being the biggest move of the season. As long as they lock down Malcolm, Denise, and Carter, they can get rid of Tandang. If you think about it, voting out Pete would have been worse for the vets because it would have left Jeff in the leadership role, still gunning for Penner with that inexplicable veteran bloodlust.

      I'm pulling for Penner hard now, hope he can find a way. Regardless of what happens though, what an episode. His immunity win made the last half hour so much better. Quality that we have not seen in a while from Survivor. Not once on One World or South Pacific.

  16. I missed this week's episode live so I just finished watching it last night on the DVR. Oh... My... God!!! That tribal was epic. Back and forth, no one knowing what the hell was going on. It was like everyone was turning on everyone else. I loved it.

    So, that being said, I don't understand Shakira's strategy for pulling out the idol, unless she thought she was going to get it, especially after Golden Boy whipped out his... idol that is, and said he was going to play it. So now all the idols have been exposed, and that leads me to another thing maybe someone knows... I haven't seen anything as far as another clue for an idol in any of the rewards. Don't they usually plant one (remember Rob tossing the clue he found in the jar?) or is there a set number of idols, and that's it?

    Prickly Pete was looking panicked trying to figure out if Golden Boy had an idol or not, and then trying to figure out a strategy. He thinks he is a big thinker, but he isn't. So far he has been the lucky recipient of being on a team that has dominated. He isn't going to last.

    Could Blair have messed things up any more than she has? It seriously is like an episode of Facts of Life. I am waiting for Mrs. Gerritt to show up and give counsel to Blair, showing her the error of her ways and then having her ultimately do the right thing. And with the trailer for next week, it looks like she is trying to play the opposite side again. If the KrabKlaws allow her into their fold, they're nuts after she messed up their plans big time. I think she is going to have both groups turn on her.

    Now, onto JK. I was pulling for him. At first I wanted him out. as a player, he was a thorn in my side as a Dodger fan. But after seeing him play the game, and how he was thinking things through, I was hoping he made it to the end (though I disagreed with his move last week). And in contrast to Anonymous above, I loved Jeff Kent's exit speech because it showed how much he wanted to win it, and how pissed he was that he got voted off. He said it, he has made $60 million playing ball, another $1 million wouldn't have meant anything financially. But to win the title of Sole Survivor is what it is all about. Do you think he would have given back half of his salary if he would only have been able to get a WS ring? But then again, occupiers don't understand working for things and the drive to be the best. I'm betting he is mad that Blair's parents sent her to the prestigious Eastland while he (or she) was stuck at PS42.

    So now I am hoping Penner makes it to the end, even though I am generally against the returning players. I do think he has something working with someone of the Fandangos which would explain the vote for Abi, and the vote for Pete at the previous tribal. It's like he is the "tie-breaking" vote, so he can say, for example, he didn't vote for Jeff, with whom he was aligned.

    It will remain to be seen how the strategy evolves now that the idols have been exposed.

  17. I think Lisa has multiple personalities. In the first episode she was the sad outsider sitting by herself in the rain while everybody else cuddled and told jokes. Then she's the best friend of the older people, and then she acts like an asexual MILF with the boys. Then she's one of the girls. Rinse, repeat (but not necessarily in that order).

  18. 2 questions:

    What is the "biggest missed opportunity in S history"


    Are Jeff and RC doing it?

    1. To answer your first question, check out this interview with Dimples where he gives his answer:

      Personally, I can't make heads or tails of it. I still have no idea what he's talking about.

      As to question number 2, Jeff Kent or Jeff Probst?

    2. No, Dimples is happily married and don't do the tribe stuff no mo.

      RC and the 60 million dollar man sure seemed to exchange KNOWING looks however.

      I think they're alone now.

    3. I read the Dimples interview and wonder if he's watching the same game we are. Could anyone firm up anything with 4 Fingers Kent? He's the last choice for either of the veterans to align with. Did he miss Penner's Ozzie moment after almost being voted out? It was less dramatic, I think it was in a private narrative. Everyone should be ready to die, he has no friends. Did Dimples see someone cheering when Penner won immunity? I'm sticking to my theory that he made a statement voting for Abi, the least likely to get any votes since everyone thinks she's too hated to have any chance in finals.

      I was thinking of something that could have been even more fun since everyone was being so chatty. Take out the idols in one vote and pick a loser to go with 2 votes. 4 votes Abi, 4 votes Malcum. Telling them eliminates the option to not play the idols. If Abi and Malcum can't agree and it's one vote for x and 1 vote for y, what happens? If they agree, someone goes home with only 2 votes needed to do so. That player selected should be a real threat and I would pick Denise. But alas, she is still the most loyal in her secret alliance with Golden Boy. He would have to talk his way out of that and go with whoever Abi hates the most in that moment.

      RC and Baseballs are chatting about investments. She might bang him to get some of his money business. That's after he stops pouting because she's not star struck and never heard of his glory days.

  19. I think it's clear that Blair has multiple personalities. Remember, she was a child actress. Look at how messed-up Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and countless others are. Just because she's all-Jesus-all-the-time doesn't mean she doesn't have a screw loose.
    Now, I suppose JK's exit whine could be interpreted a number of ways (perhaps the paltry sum he lost on this show pales in comparison to the zillions he made when he played ball, but he was competing here for the love of the game---which kind of calls into question his motives when he played ball, no?), but it seems clear that he felt he deserved to win. Why did he deserve to win? Um... Colette, do you want to take this one? Why did he deserve to win? Because he excelled at challenges? Because he was a master strategist? Because his social game was so good? I'm thinking he fancied himself a golden boy, all-American hero, and it rankled him that Malcolm (ah...Malcolm) usurped that title so easily. So, he whined and blamed his loss on Obama, because, as we all know, the IRS was founded by and is currently led by the President.

  20. Bitch,

    Welcome back! I just can't quit you! And good riddance to Jeff Kent, that dick! What a sore loser; he's not the least bit gracious and he blames the president for taking his skittles-go suck a baseball, dude! A colleague is a BIG baseball fan who doesn't watch SURVIVOR but when I mentioned Jeff Kent to her, she said, "Prick." So I guess even the baseball world thinks his attitude sucks. I've got a Louisville slugger with his name on it.

    Thought your best line this week was that during the reward challenge, each team had one member who had to dig a "shallow grave" to find the key. Brilliant ( with a tip of the hat to Blair Warner )

    Gin rocks!

  21. Best, Suvivor. Ever. Loved jeff kent, he never saw it coming. Still love him, loved his rant. he wanted to WIN! Now if Blair can switch sides so we can get rid of the dour three, then exit Malcom and Lisa, oh man. Pulling for Denise to win it all!

  22. This episode was actually pretty interesting until the tribal council turned into a "cluster f...". There are no natural leaders in the remaining group, (which I consider a positive for the show) the sheep have to figure it out for themselves and it is taking so long they end up spilling their guts at the tribal council, hence the weird vote, I believe Jeff Kent just got unlucky, no one knew who they were voting for going in.

    I agree with the others, Blair seems to wake up with a different strategy every day, either she's loco or the editors are not doing her any favors.

    Colette, one simple request, if you are not ready to glitter dunk, please show more of the real Shakira, maybe she will dunk, we'll let her decide which body part.

  23. It is I, le poet Cartèr
    Into the abyss!
    I did stare...

    And found something wondrous, in facto
    Byron's completed 17th Canto!
    Alas, how does that help me
    In the battle with my enemy?

    It is Carter of whom I speak
    And where is he, you ask?
    Why does it seem that
    In glorious solitude I bask?

    Well, 'tis quite simple m'lady;

    Carter smoked too much marijuana
    While I was out voting for Obama
    Soon he will rouse from his repose
    And endeth my prose I suppose

    At the edge of the abyss, I felt my soul ebb. Not even a delightful nut-brown feather could assuage my dread. As my soul doth wither, Carter's soul doth bloom. I fear that I, Le poet Cartèr, may be about to rendre l'âme. In all dualities one entity eventually absorbs the other. Such is the way of nature.

    But why must it be the simple organism that thrives while the complex organism gets cancer and dies? What qualities allow Carter to amble obliviously through the abyss, like 'twas his local Walmart, while I tremble at it's edge?

    I must turn to the great philosophers for an answer!

    Socrates? No, too heretical. de Beauvoir? No, too female. Nietzsche? No, too German. Lala? BINGO!

    "There's a certain bravado and arrogance that comes from being gloriously unsophisticated..."

    That's it!

    It's this bravado, this arrogance that can overwhelm the humble nature of souls who ken the magnitude of the abyss. Okay. I can accept that. That makes sense. Thank you Lala.

    For the first time since that fateful surfing trip, I feel as One. Whole. My rhyming skills nonpareil! O this takes me back to the days of my childhood, when I discovered the delightful ditty that inspired me to become a poet.

    How does it go again?

    Mary had a little lamb
    It's fleece was white as snow
    And every where that Mary went
    The lamb was sure to first check thoroughly

    What the?!

    My rhyming skills... they fail me!

    Oh no. Carter doth waken!

    DUDE! I am SO hungry bro! We need to hit the 7-11, like, right now dude! When I get this feeling, I NEED Slurpee healing!

  24. As soon as I heard that line, I knew it would be your blog title this week!!

    I was worried for Pretty Pony 2.0!! So glad we get to look at him for another week!! :-)

  25. this has been a great season. and a great blog of course!

    1. forgot to mention i loved the bro dialogue and the snoopen aloof wisdom jokes... hilarious

      BTW, pete wasnt saying he is the mastermind i think he was just saying trying to mastermind is hard...which is different imo...not that im even rooting for pete lol

      And damn thinking about the episode a little more now... lisa has started playing an amazing game. definetly all star worthy if she can keep it up

      ps- u gotta give props to mean come on lala come on!!! hes been playing a great game

    2. I wouldn't say he's been playing a great game. Everyone wants him out! He performed well in the challenge and he's a likable guy. I'll give him that.

  26. Great ep. for a change and great blog, as usual. It occurred to me that Penner's strategy for voting for Abi might be in anticipation of when he gets to final 3, he will want to appear neutral and stay on the good side of as many jury members as possible. Abi hates everyone and is going to bitch at each of the final 3 anyway, so it wouldn't matter if he throws votes her way. He isn't expecting to get or need her vote in the end.