Thursday, November 29, 2012

That Meat Melted In My Mouth


That thin filmy veil that coats our existence. That wooly spiderweb that lets us talk to spirit and dance with the fairies. You can't see it. You can't touch it. But it's there. Flossy and tangly. Stretching across the vast expanse. Weaving through the jungle thick. Darting over asphalt mazes. A whisper in the breeze... magic (or magick if you regularly attend Renaissance Faires and dance skyclad under the full moon). Not the kind of magic with sequins in the city of sin. The kind that wraps us in its heartbeat. The kind that nestles us in the pulsating rhythms of time and seasons. All it asks of us is faith. Faith and the spirit of a survivor. Née, a warrior. Perhaps a warrior in a coconut bra and a feather bustle. A warrior who samba'd her way out of the hands of the Portuguese and into the arms of a dimpled innkeeper. A warrior who knew when to hold 'em and knew when to fold 'em. Magic. You can do magic. You can have anything that you desire. Magic, and you know. You're the one who can put out the fire. Let's recap, shall we?

Where to begin? Where to start? I take one week off and the fit hits the shan. The pecky pecking of peckers. The fingers pointing. The insults hurled. Screeching voices in the night sky. Oh, shut it. Can it, you jungle fops. We're here to fight for a million dollars ($4.63 if you're Jeff Kent) and fight we shall. No more hand holding and nursery rhymes. No more of your kumbaya farts. To the death, I say. To the death!


After a harrowing night dodging insults and jeers, Shakira (Abi-Maria) wakes with the sun and Melty (Michael). She did it. She survived. She can still look out onto that water and find it RC-free. She can glance to her left at the empty log where Pete used to sit. If she squints and focuses, she might be able to see the faint lingering of a prickly scowl. And, to the right, no more parrots. No more swashbuckling. Just a peg leg in the sand. Bye bye Blackbeard. Only their ghosts remain. Their ghosts and this strange balding guy covered in bandages and pudding.


Melty asks Shakira if she is OK. How is she doing on this "day after"? Do the darts and thorns still sting her skin? Heavens to betsy knows that sometimes his phantom fingers still ache. Looking down at his popsicle stick hands, he remembers and shudders. He never wants to go through that again. So yeah Shakira, how you doing babe? You holding up OK? Shakira's eyes hold steady as the night before comes tumbling back. The things they said, the things he said. Dimples. The things they all said. And like Melty with his popsicle sticks, she shakes off the shudders and replies, "It wasn't cute."

Hiding in a tree, the good doctor overhears the two talking. Denise then rolls her eyes and promptly plops to the ground. Brushing the sand off her body, she mumbles to herself about how that Shakira is so negative. An electron in this world of protons. That little spice packet is going to need a miraculous win if she plans on staying in this game. And if somehow a miracle happens, if that magic is tapped into, then they'll get rid of Scurvy (Jonathan). Someone has to go and that someone isn't going to be her.


After a morning of awkward silences and sweeping up the prickly prickers around camp, Golden Boy (Malcolm) and Shakira make their way to Tree Mail. Inside sits a stack of envelopes. "Letters!," Shakira thinks to herself. Letters of love and encouragement. Letters of hope and promise. Letters of... weeping and crying and, oh Golden Boy, hold me. Overwhelmed with emotion, Shakira nestles herself into Golden Boy's chest inhaling his manly musky scent. Golden Boy knows Shakira is difficult, but he's not heartless. They destroyed her last night. Plus, it's a free ass grab! *squish squish*


The two take the envelopes back to camp and discover that they're not letters at all. They're money! 500 smackaroos. Time for a food auction! Shakira looks down at the money in her hand. Crisp and new. Crinkly and crunchy. She'll save it. She'll save it and only use it to bid on something that could help her. Balling the money up in her fists she whispers to herself, "I'm a Survivor." And then, giving one last look to the sea, she raised her arms and did the Shaki Shake. She's ready now. Vamanos!


And this brings us to a food auction of succulent delights. Come on in guys! The rules are simple. You will bid in increments of $20. There is no sharing of food or money. The auction can, and will, end without warning. Survivors ready, go!


First up is pancakes, bacon, maple syrup and orange juice. If Denny's had a Survivor Grand Slam, this would be it. Dr. Denise does a quick tally of the carbs to protein ratio divided by the caloric meatiness of the bacon multiplied by how the maple syrup will affect her blood sugar. Satisfied with her calculations, she bids $200. Then $500. Sold!


Next up is a wine and cheese platter. A Camembert, a Fontina *$500!* Perhaps a Port Salut and some Danish Blue. *$500, you knucklehead!* Some Gruyere and Gorgonzola. *starts hurling hundreds at the TV* Brie, bleu, goat... PARMESAN. *passes out in a puddle of drool* The way to my heart during the Christmas season is with one of those enormously impractical wine and cheese gift baskets. While my diet mainly consists of me slurping gin out of my bathtub through a curly straw while taking snorts of glitter off a glass coffee table, I occasionally get my nutritional needs from diving into a wheel of Parmesan while having a Cab Sav administered intravenously. Melty, however, is a strange lad. He saw some soft cheese he could spread with his popsicle fingers and shouted "$500!" before Dimples could even mumble "cheddar."


Here's the kicker... Melty doesn't even drink! I know, Dimples. I know. I hear that expression on your face loud and clear.


After a few more rounds of Golden Boy erotically licking frosting off donuts and Scurvy satanically destroying a chicken, Jell-O Pop (Carter) can no longer stand the smells. The wafts, the aromas... they tickle his nose hairs and curl into that pleasure part of his brain. Frantically sucking on one of his Sobranie's, Jell-O Pop immediately gets into a bidding war with Golden Boy over a covered item. After ashing into Golden Boy's eye with the quick finesse of a professional poet, Jell-O Pop walks away with the prize - an overstuffed baked potato complete with extra fixin's. Jell-O Pop, weak from living off of nicotine for the past 3 weeks, shakily reaches out to retrieve his potay-tuh. (That is Dimplian for "potato") Not so fast Jell-O Pop! You can either eat this potay-tuh all by your lonesome or you can take these two giant bags of rice and beans and keep your entire camp well-fed for the remainder of your stay. Jell-O Pop's tummy gurgles with what could have been as he drops his shaking gangly arms to his side. He takes the rice and beans.


After Blair (Lisa) walks away with a sandwich for $320, Dimples reveals a tea stained scroll.
"This scroll is an advant..."
"$500, puta!!!"
"Sold to Shakira for $500!"


In the words of the great C+C Music Factory, "Everybody dance now!!!"

Even though I could get up and leave this auction right now, we have one more item to get to that will remain covered. It may be covered, but Jell-O Pop and his acute senses know what's what. He can see the puffs of meat stink floating overhead and no one, not even Blair and her Warner charm, will wrestle this one away from him. Jell-O Pop wins the covered item for $200 and he was right! It was meat. Big giant hunks of succulent veal shanks. We're talking a caveman portion. Wave a drumstick over your head while swinging through the jungle on a vine portion.


Jell-O Pop puts out his pink cigarette with the heel of his loafer and excitedly reaches out to claim his platter of flesh. Dimples yanks it back out of his hands and says, "Not so fast!" Jell-O Pop's jaw tightens as he thinks to himself, "Not again!" Yes, again. This meat isn't only for you. It is for everyone and you all have 60 seconds to eat it. And that's how it was... that's how it will go down in Survivor history. The day the meat melted. The day Golden Boy let Jell-O Pop lick his greasy fingers and groan. The day one man sucked another man's meat and no one blinked an eyelash. Progress!


Back at camp, with tummies full and lips greasy, the Migrayne's (Dangrayne) are smiley and satisfied. Jell-O Pop passes around a pack of his smokes for all to enjoy as everyone plops in the sand and loosens their belts one notch. Lolling about in the lazy afternoon the Migraynes puff and smile. Puff puff. Even Blair sucks on her yellow cigarette and slowly exhales. "Just this once," she thinks to herself. "Just this once, it's OK." She'll pray about it and repent tomorrow, but today... today she dances with the devil.


Speaking of devils, Shakira has perched herself on a tree branch and through clenched teeth is directing all of her exhales to Scurvy who sits across from her. Scurvy waves the smoke out of his face and asks, "Wanna talk?" Shakira flicks her ashes onto the top of his fedora and replies, "Sure." Scurvy then traces his big toe in the sand and asks Shakira what he should say. Shakira replies, "An apology, puta. An apology for destroying me, for demoralizing me. I left there gen-winly crying." Gen-winly, she did Scurvy. And gen-winly you should apologize. Gen-winly we should all apologize for adding an extra vowel to the word gen-win. What a waste of time on all of our parts.


Meanwhile, the peanut gallery is listening and covering the giggles trying to escape from their mouths. I can't quite tell who they're laughing at though. Sure, Shakira is a funny gal, but then there's Scurvy. Kiss-assy-let's-be-nice-to-the-chick-that-just-got-an-advantage Scurvy. I mean, come on! Can you be more transparent? What sort of a power do you think she just got? The Save A Returning Player Because We Love Them So Much Power? Hell no. Hell to the no.


So after a weirdly robotic hug with Scurvy where hands and arms had no idea where to go, Shakira steals away to finally open her scroll. Personally, I hoped it was a map to a cherub hidden deep in the jungle that peed Mojitos because I think Shakira would be hysterically violent and all kinds of awesome when drunk. You know, just punching people for the sake of punching people. Twisting some nipples because they're there. Becoming all elbows and thumbs when in the presence of man parts. Herky jerky twisting and turning on the dance floor. And when the song was over she'd regain her composure and blink a couple of times. Seeing the bodies littering the ground around her, she'd wonder what happened and how they got there. And while she wondered, she'd lie under the peeing cherub with an open mouth once more only to do it all again. But it wasn't that. It wasn't the Mojito Peeing Cherub In The Jungle Power. It was a free pass to the final round of the next Immunity Challenge.


Now, while this advantage is a pretty good advantage, it is not quite enough to scare the enchiladas out of the others. Shakira needs to craft a story, a tall tale of epic proportions. Something grand and sweeping and maybe set in the Yorkshire moors amongst the biting winds... I muttered, knocking my knuckles through the glass, and stretching an arm out to seize the importunate branch; instead of which, my fingers closed on the fingers of a little, ice-cold gen-win Immunity Idol! And that's exactly what she did. Armed with Bronte and a conspicuous fake bulge in her bikini, Shakira set her sights on Golden Boy.

Pointing to the branch decorated with dried rice and beans sticking out of the top of her bikini, Shakira begins, "This is nothing. I was only going to say that heaven did not seem to be my home; and I broke my heart with weeping to come back to earth; and the angels, putas if you really want to know, were so angry that they flung me out into the middle of the heath on the top of Wuthering Heights; where I woke sobbing for joy. That will do to explain my secret, as well as the Immunity Idol I am now clenching between my butt cheeks. Laters!" Golden Boy sat scratching his head as he watched Shakira skip up the beach. Did he buy it? Is he fooled? I'm not sure. He might be thinking, "She usually uses a lot more 'putas' when she talks."


And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge you're going to do that thing when you all compete, and then 4 compete, and then 3 and then blah. (I hate these challenges!) But first, Shakira has something to read to you.


"In my hand I hold cinco secret messages, but I am only obliged to read uno. When I am done reading the gen-win message, I will rip this paper into teeny tiny unrecognizable pieces nevermore to be seen again, putas. 'You will proceed to the final leg of this challenge.'" *rip rip* Shakira then holds the teeny tiny unrecognizable pieces up to the wind to be carried out to sea. Her secret is safe now. Floating to the bottom of the ocean amongst the mermaids and the kraken, it is safe.

Again, out of my hatred for challenges like these, I'm going to cruise through this one as fast as possible.


And voila! Here we are in the final round with Scurvy, Jell-O Pop and Shakira ready to go. The three leap off of their mats to untie knots at the opening of little gates. With nimble fingers and that habanero will to win burning within her, Shakira pulls into the lead quickly with Jell-O Pop not far behind. As the challenges progresses, Shakira's fingers work faster and faster as my heart beats louder and louder. At home I covered my face and peered through shaking hands. The music began to swell louder as Jell-O Pop began to gain on Shakira. Scurvy, sensing he has no chance to win, starts to cheer for Jell-O Pop through the ropey maze tangled in his fedora. Oh stick a cork in it, Scurvy! Strings, harps, banjos... all of them got louder. They thumped and I buried my head once more. I can't look, I can't look! It is here that I hear Dimples shout, "Shakira is at her last gate of ropes!" So I lowered my hands, grabbed the bottom of my Shakira concert shirt (Verizon Center, Washington D.C., 2006) and I waited. I waited for Dimples to say it... SHAKIRA WINS IMMUNITY!!!! *flings off shirt and dunks boobies into two awaiting chilled bowls of glitter*


SUCK. ON. THAT. Putas. Shakira cried, I cried, we all cried. You all probably cried out of anger as you clenched your fists and punched yourself in the heads. Too bad. So sad. *giggles*

Back at camp, Golden Boy stole away into the jungle to dunk his - never mind - into some glitter of his own. You see, he may be acting all depressed and sad in front of the others, but this Shakira win is actually pretty great for him. It gives him the opportunity to get rid of a real threat like Scurvy. And this tells me that Golden Boy is the only one looking down the road to that final jury. The one where Shakira is standing next to him spitting Brazil nuts at RC's head.

So that's the plan, to vote Scurvy out. Denise, Golden Boy, Melty and Blair are all onboard. It is etched in stone. Done deal. Let us wipe our hands of everything else and kick back until we meet Dimples tonight.

"This is just so hard. I'm not good at this game," says Blair. Umm OK. Quizzically, I looked around the room wondering why any of that matters right now. "I'm not cut out for this game. This game is too big for me." Hang on, you know you're safe this week, right? They're not voting you out, Blair. You get to stay. I repeat, you're safe.

And with that, those pesky low self esteem demons started doing a number on Blair's innards. They growled and contorted and that is when the guilt set in. The weird guilt over having to vote out Scurvy. Scurvy, you remember him, the guy she asked to go to the end with her and who responded with a noncommittal "We'll see." That guy. That guy that throws your insecurities in your face and then, when he needs you, takes them all back again. Look, I like Blair, but she doesn't owe Scurvy shit. The second he gave her that "We'll see" b.s. is the second any guilt that Blair could possibly muster up evaporated into thin air. It's gone! Poof! Buh bye. You have NO loyalties to Scurvy now. He plays on your insecurities and then when you try to make a deal, he pushes you away. There is no guilt here, Blair. None!

But, as our former child star has incredibly low self esteem and an unnerving urge to keep everyone  happy, she moans to Scurvy about how bad she is at this game now that she has to vote him out. And how do you suppose her best good friend Scurvy, the one she's so scared of hurting, replies? "Cut the crap!" Cut. The. Crap. It was abrupt and sharp and all kinds of icky when he said it. It was a man talking down to a lady and looking at her with hate in his eyes. We've all experienced it. That one moment where you finally figured out he doesn't give a shit about you. The problem is, the big fucking problem here, is that Blair still feels guilty and torn up inside. Even after he snapped at her! Ugh!


The two then go for a little stroll where Blair finally brings up that "We'll see". The one shining glittering moment when she made the decision for herself to finally cut ties with him. Scurvy's reaction is sort of flippant and "I can't believe this is about empty promises!" Dude, you're not a dumb guy, but when you told Blair "We'll see" you screwed up your entire game. What you should have done was just lied to her. You know how she is. You know all she wants is for people to like her.  So, while spending your money getting fatter was a big mistake on your part, that "We'll see" will haunt you for the rest of your life. You might as well just get it tattooed on your forehead. Or your fedora. Whichever one people will see the most.

So, armed with the news that he is in trouble, Scurvy makes the rounds to the troops in an effort to stay. He tells Shakira and Jell-O Pop that they're voting out Denise tonight. After last week's Tribal Council, Shakira is totally cool with that. Jell-O Pop let out a soft moan so I guess he's cool with it too. Who knows.


All Scurvy needs now is Melty. Skipping to the beat of his own drum that he often trips over, Melty. Talking to Melty is kind of like talking to a doll with a string that you pull out of its back. Only his lower jaw moves. Up and down, up and down. "Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh." You can never tell if you've gotten through to him or not. I guess we'll see.


And this brings us to Tribal Council. Dimples begins by asking Shakira if it was her intent to wait for an advantage to come up in the auction. Shakira replies, "Absolutemente! $500 best spent in my whole life, puta." We then turn to Denise for a comment on last week's attack of Shakira. Dr. Denise dons her "I'm in Doctor mode" glasses and says that last week wasn't an attack on Shakira. It was simply a group of people whose tolerance has reached its maximum. And then she wrote out prescriptions for everyone and suspiciously told Shakira to take 500mg of Xanax three times a day. But Doctor, won't that kill her? Ohhh I see what you did there. Not nice!

We turn our attention to Scurvy who is all bunged up something fierce. He is mad that Melty and Blair made a deal with Golden Boy and Denise when, in fact, Melty and Blair are, in reality, best good friends with Scurvy and trust him the most. Golden Boy interrupts Scurvy, "But you didn't trust Blair enough to cement a deal with her." Kablam! Take that! *high fives Golden Boy with boobs* Scurvy replies, "Right! She voted for me twice. We have a lot of fun playing together though." *raises eyebrow*

One thing Scurvy is right about is that this vote makes it highly likely that either Denise or Golden Boy will win the million dollars. To that I say, better than you winning it! I actually like Denise and Golden Boy. Plus, I feel they're pretty deserving. Christ, they lived with Dreads in his house of horrors for like 12 days! Anyone who can share a dwelling with Dreads and escape with the will to continue living deserves a million dollars. Hell, give 'em two!

Dimples then turns his attention to Blair. He asks her if she can compare this experience to something else in her life. It was an awkward moment that kind of made me go, "Yikes." Blair nodded and eeked out a quiet "Yes" before the tears starting to well up in her eyes. Knowing what we know now, she left her husband before playing Survivor so who knows. Maybe it was that. Or maybe she's talking about Tootie and how she wanted to vote Geri off the show. I don't know! Either way, it was clearly something she didn't want to talk about.


Alright, let's vote. Even though Scurvy shouted he was voting for Denise while at the Urn and we got the most glorious smile/chuckle out of Blackbeard, it wasn't enough to save him.


Scurvy is the 12th person voted out of Survivor Philippines. Good riddance, I say! That leaves only one more returning player to get rid of. They're dropping like flies. Make it happen, bitches. Next week, dump Melty. I want all new people in that finale.


So, what did you think of last night's episode? Did it hurt when you sliced your wrists after Shakira won Immunity? Are you happy Scurvy went home? Do you want Golden Boy to feed you his meat? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


About next week... this time next Thursday I will be en route to Los Angeles. I hadn't planned on doing a blog because of my schedule out there, but I know how you guys get - psychotic and rabid. So here's what I'm going to do, I'm not saying no and I'm not saying yes. I'm saying definitely, maybe. Like that godawful movie with Blake Lively's husband. It occurred to me last night that I could actually write the blog on the plane. Not only will I look like I have something important that I'm tackling in front of the other passengers, but I won't incur your wrath again. Again, I'm not promising. I will try. It might be shorter and it might not be that great without being able to rewatch the episode like I normally do, but I will try.





43 comments:

  1. My dear gin-soaked, glitter-adorned Lala,

    You do what ever you want next week, bitch! Don't let these other bitches ruin your fun. I have not seen last night's episode (yet) but I could not wait to read your blog. You are spot on with Scurvy -- I liked Penner but when he told Blair, "We'll see" I thought, "You just sucked the big one, dude, that will come back to haunt you." And apparently it did.

    I'm still hoping at the final tribal council that Shakira will shake the bones and cut chicken necks all night long.

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  2. I actually am being pulled over to the "dark side" LOL. I liked Abi's game play last night. She was playing smart and calculating rather than impulsively and hot headed. I liked that very much.

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    1. Yay!

      Nobody will ever be as detestable to me on the show as Colton was. Guess I can't say NEVER but he was pretty despicable. Abi is not even close in my book. Has she been somewhat of a bitch at times? Yes but we only see part of what goes on. EDITING has probably played some role in how she is coming off.

      Also...at least this season is interesting. And no annoying Survivors to tell you to kill yourself!

      Delete
  3. You know... the perfect response, especially after this week, to doing a blog summary next week would be "we'll see".

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  4. I swear, sometimes I think that Burnett sees what is happening, and manipulates the outcomes just to toy with us and make us go, ARRRGGHHHH!!!! The only thing that would have screwed up everyone's plans this week was for Shakira to win immunity, and BAM, she wins immunity. Perfect!

    First, I don't know what tribal Shakira was at last week. To come out and say she has never experienced so much hatred for her in her life? She must be living under a rock, 'cause that wasn't hatred. For someone who doesn't know when to shut her mouth or filter her thoughts, to complain that someone wasn't filtering what they were saying was quite extraordinary. And then when they get back from the auction and Penner asks to talk and she tells him he has the talking to do and she was just going to listen? I would have gotten up and walked away after farting in her general direction. What a drama queen.

    I think that Blair is going to seriously have a nervous breakdown before this game is done. Mrs. Gerritt did way to good of a job instilling morals in her and the rest of the Eastland girls. She needs to go back to Season 1 Blair where she basically rubbed her wealth in everyone's face. The one thing I will say for Blair, is that she keeps her word. She has voted with her group every single time, even when she knew it wasn't going to help her.

    Jell-O Pop is should be worried now. He knows he is on the outs with the rest of them after last night. If Shakira doesn't get immunity again next week, he has to know he is on the block next. What is the Melty-Golden Boy-Blair-Denise alliance called? Whatever it is, they have the numbers now until the end. It is like when Boston Rob had the numbers with his tribe and you just had to sit back and watch them pick off all the members of the other tribe. If they can keep their heads (and this means Blair) they should make it to the end for sure.

    It will be interesting to see Malcom and Denise as two of the final three. So far I think they have played the best game.

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  5. Shakira & Golden BoyNovember 29, 2012 at 4:11 PM

    Dear Puta Lala --

    Yes, we read this every week. Yes, we love our nicknames. Yes, Abi dunks her tits in glitter every time you insert a Shakira meme. But this is the first time we've read this together on a Thursday morning while finishing the bottle of gin we passed out before killing the previous night during our post-Shakira knot-untieing (sp...?) town-razing extravaganza. Hooray run-on sentences.

    And yes, it's always highly suspicious when Abi goes three full sentences without saying 'puta.'

    Dunk a couple for us. Love,
    Malcolm and Abi

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    1. You're shirtless right now, aren't you Golden Boy? I can sense it.

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    2. I'm Shirtless....Maybe that's what your sensing.

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  6. Wonderful!!

    Great blog this week Lala, one of your best, but they are all pretty damn great! I hate to admit it but I am coming around to the dark side with respects to Abi (although I did have to un-follow her from twitter with all her ridiculous re-tweets)I think that this season would be a dim shadow without her South American spiciness. On top of all that you have included several Shakira gifs that I must say make my pants a lot tighter..."Perry could you come to my office, we need to discuss this invoice" " Ummm, not right now!"

    With regards to your not posting a blog last week, I must say that reading all the nasty anti-Abi sentiment hurled at you was entertaining. Don't people just make you chuckle sometimes? Besides that I am a loyal Lala acolyte and therefore have friended you on facebook and follow you on twitter and I had all that delicious "My family is crazy" posts that you posted last Thursday. Love your family!!

    Thanks again for all the entertainment that you provide to me during the week and remember who loves ya kid!!

    Perry

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  7. Call me a cynic, but I have a hard time believing that Shakira went from being one of the most clueless, irrational, self-deluded players ever to play Survivor to making some of the most shrewd and disciplined moves of the night. I just don't buy it.

    Either she has been horribly misrepresented by the editing all season long or she got some serious coaching during this episode. I'm leaning toward the latter. The same woman who needlessly revealed her hidden immunity idol at the slightest provocation did NOT sit quietly watching her nemeses chow down without some clear assurances of what was coming. And even then, it's incredible she resisted the urge to shout down the first bid that came out.

    And for a woman who never seems to have given a moment's thought to the consequence of what comes out of her mouth to have carefully crafted -- and executed (at least, so far) -- the advantage/idol ruse . . . well, I'm not buying that she came up with that on her own either. (And Dimples didn't bat an eye when he heard it.)

    The show is better with her on it, though. She's polarizing, both on the island and in the audience. And that makes good TV.

    Kilgore

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    1. I think you are right on this one. Abi winning immunity was an example of probably the most manipulated events I can recall seeing on survivor. It did certainly seem that she knew something was coming during the auction. She does not seem anywhere near that perceptive. And the last section of the challenge itself seemed designed to be extremely easy for her in particular. Untying knots? Really?, no intellect required. No strength required. No skill required. Just speed (the other challengers would be tired from the previous two events) and size (small). Nice job LaLa!!

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  8. Oh, and one more thing. Not to pile on Shakira, but what was the deal with sticking her tongue out (at Denise I think)? Is this a 1958 episode of Leave It to Beaver? She needs a new move.

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    1. That was the funniest shot of the whole show!

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  9. Definitely maybe? Whatever Puta! I think you're pollo because us Abi haters are gonna rub it in when she gets the adios next week! She deserves muerte for the way she acted towards the loco caliente RC (damn she looked good last night, as always).

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    1. Oh, if Abi goes, that will only make me want to blog more. Trust me... the epic hissy fit I will throw. I imagine I'll hit a record number of comments that week too. My commenters do love to rub it in. Bastards!

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  10. I think of the remaining players Denise is the most deserving one. Hope either she or Malcolm wins.

    As for Abi-Maria (can't bring myself to call her "Shakira" for fear of insulting the real Shakira) - good for her that she won, it made for an interesting episode. And it's true that her presence makes the season more interesting, if only by providing something that everybody loves to hate.

    I wonder, though, why she elicits such strong emotion as hatered - a shrug should be a more appropriate response for she is very unpleasant without being deliciously evil, she is full of herself without being crafty, she is egotistical and insensitive without being charming.

    In her pre-season bio she compares herself to Parvati. That was probably the first clue to how clueless she really is.

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  11. First off, I'm so glad you included the shot of Abi sticking our her tongue. I laughed out loud at that.

    Here's what I don't get. Lisa has proven from the beginning she won't keep her mouth shut. Any secret, idol, alliance, or whatever that she is a part of becomes public knowledge almost immediately. Yet EVERYBODY still trusts her. She wouldn't bother me so much if every episode didn't include at least one "woe is Lisa" segment.

    My dear sweet Abi - I'm so happy to see you posted here. You're my entertainment; my eye candy. While I understand why some people don't agree with me, I don't understand the vitrol. You've done nothing to deserve some of the silliness I've read the last few days. Funny how RC is treated like a saint but she's the one whose ass didn't fit into her swimsuit.

    Unless he screws up, this really is Golden Boy's game. Just a couple of strategic moves will cement the deal, and taking my girl Abi to the final will help him out.

    One last thing. While I have liked the kind Doctor for most of the season, she's really turned into a bitch the last couple of episodes. Abi may be over the top a bit in how she was treated last week, but shouldn't the doctor be used to people who may ramble on a bit too much or over-dramatize what happened?

    BTW, a brilliant, brilliant recap, Ms Lalalalalala! If I had won the lottery last night, I'd buy the magazine of your choice and make you editor. With an unlimited gin expense account, of course. And glitter. Lots of glitter.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Good job Lala. I was happy to see the show tossed you the bone you so badly needed. I imagined your celebration before I read your account. You left out dipping those special fingers in glitter and double thrusting at your disgruntled bitches. A nice twist, even if it stretches the limits of credibility.

    Rules are for fools. There will be no sharing of food or money at the food auction. Carter gets stuck spending his money to buy food for all for the rest of the game. Then he gets to buy the meat for the already fed and a certain someone that spent all her money on a custom made advantage. Poor castaways, some hadn't had a food reward for a few hours.

    Abi must have sucked on the bone to awaken her hidden creativity. How many days did it take her to find the under your nose at camp idol? Was RC dead to her for the correct reason? If the advantage had been a clue telling her she had an immunity idol in her bikin bottom she couldn't find it with both hands. I missed the part where she made a fake one, something that's been done in several other seasons. Why did she single out Malcum with her ruse instead of telling the whole group in her more natural fashion? Hey gang, see this bulge in my panties, guess what this is?

    Dimples was blatantly silent and not injecting himself into the game when he asked her to read the advantage and allowed her to ad lib some new rules. He didn't even look surprised, which suggests he already knew something.

    I was wrong again in my predictions regarding serious immunity contenders. Scurvy, Melty, and Carter have outperformed Malcum and Denise recently. Lisa might win if it's a Bible study contest. Abi is well trained in untieing the knots in her string bikinis in dark rooms with her hands behind her back. She wins!!

    Penner didn't screw up in the moment he said, "We'll see." Correct, he coulda shoulda lied to her. I can't reconstruct how that would have changed anything while most have been flipping and flopping. Lisa has gained simply by not ruffling any feathers or being any kind of threat. She's still on the bottom of the fab 4, or tied with Melty for that honor.

    Another tribal goes by and nnother gift week to your Golden Boy. I also missed the part where Dimples asks if anyone wants to play the hidden (not) idol. It's past time for a blindside. Melty should have swung after the plan to announce a solid 3 for Denise to go, when the real plan is 4 against Malcum. Would Malcum protect Denise with his idol? Apparently not. Denise could have easily been sent home this week by the Swinger. The others voting for Denise didn't even get that idol played in defense and Penner still would have gone home to juryland. Kent is going to hit him the lips with a coconut if he arrives whistling.

    Malcum and Denise are the strongest pair and the rest are being submissive and think the final 3 is the prize.

    Dear Colette. I respect your efforts in your busy life. Repeat yourself and title the blog you might not write Undecided. Talk amongst yourselves, bitches.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Um, veal is like
    So unreal!
    And, like
    Untying knots
    Kinda sux lots!


    Oh, man. I can't do this bro! I suck at poetry. Little help, Cartèr?

    You're doing fine Carter. I can't help you at the moment, as I suspect our torch will be snuffed soon and I'm working on a poignant final poem. Just keep thinking of scenes we were featured in during the episode, and then rhyme to whatever it was you were doing. Now go, and leave me to my brooding.

    Well, there was that shot of me
    Looking SO gormless
    At tribal council
    That I... that I...
    Oh, man
    What rhymes with gormless?
    There are, like, NO words that rhyme with gormless!
    If only I could find a rhyme for gormless...
    Cartèr is gonna be so critical of this stanza
    It has no form.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Wrath? You think you incurred wrath last week?! Hell, I didn't come across any comments worthy of that description. But I like wrath. Almost as much as I like lust. I'LL give you some damn wrath! Here you go...

    I'm extremely wrathful that you neglected to pen a blog last week, bitch! 'Twas blithely inconsiderate of your readers. Apparently you care more about consuming turkey than performing your duty. You're a dilettante! A real writer would have blogged come rain or shine, come travelling or Thanksgiving - but not you. You'd rather go home and trade witticisms with your sisters. Trade barbs with your mom. Trade discipline for drunkenness. You'd rather eat and drink so much glitter and gin that you become incapable of creating anything more substantial than flatulence, let alone a blog. You're a good time girl, aren't you? I know your type. Disease ridden and filthy. Well, I hope you enjoyed your holiday. I hope you enjoyed your glitter. I hope you enjoyed your gin and most of all I hope you enjoyed the company of your kin. I hope you had a SUPER-GREAT time!

    Meanwhile, I was praying for Abi-Maria. Yes, praying. That's why she won immunity this week - because of me! I knew she needed it, so I actually went to a church and prayed for her because, unlike you, I'm CONSIDERATE of others. I even let the priest feel me up a little. That's how considerate of others I am!

    Shame on you. Shame. Shame. Shame.


    You'd better blog next week, crackwhore!









    ps: From where did I get my laugh this week? The passage under the cherub. I *cough* pissed myself! Thank you m'lady.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anyone who was not cheering for Abi to win immunity doesn't understand the point of TV.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, I think the point of this kind of TV IS to cheer against who you perceive as the villain and cheer for your heroes.

      You might intellectually understand that the show is better if the villain survives deep into the season, but if that prevents you from cheering against her anyway, you're kind of missing out on the ride!

      Kilgore

      Delete
    2. What don't you Shakira admirers understand?............She is completely unwilling to meet others on an even playing field, no diplomacy what so ever. Talks at others rather than with them. An arrogant and a mean woman.
      That's why RC is attractive, she is charming and diplomatic.

      I was saddened to see Penner go. Liked the way he played the game and very well spoken. Yes, he was "kiss-assey" to Skakira, he was playing a good game and trying to win favor. The game is called survivor not survivors.

      Thanks for the blog and would enjoy a photo gallery of your glitter, gin and vicodin smoothies. Thanks!

      Delete
  16. I am again enjoying the videos at Ponderosa. It actually has a buffet like the Ponderosa restaurant. For all of you RC fans, she is bouncing around all over in very tight outfits and bikinis. Now I am convinced that RC stands for Real Cans. My guess is that we will get to see the whole enchilada in Playboy sometime soon.

    At Ponderosa, you learn a lot about how contestants feel about the game and learn more of their personality because most of the focus is on the one recent cast-off. RC seems playful and was bored with Jeff, Artis and Pete. I think she would have given them all a spin if they were a bit more fun. Artis and Pete seemed to be in good spirits, but didn’t want to acknowledge RC’s obvious barbs that Abi was one loco bitch and you boys blew it out there. Penner was in fantastic spirits in fact mixing spirits of the imbibing sort. He actually seemed to bring everyone together at Ponderosa. Penner is getting RC drunk as we speak ;-)

    Now I am sure they are all reflecting on their various misplays. Jeff still thinks he might have had the numbers even though the game was in the top of the 2nd inning. Penner is regretting his failure to accept Lisa’s generous and sincere alliance offer. Artis and Pete mistakenly tied themselves to a Brazilian volcano.

    I don’t know!
    I don’t know!
    I don’t know where I gonna go.
    When the Brazilian volcano gonna blow.

    I can’t wait for RC to go all N.Y.C. on Abi’s Brazilian ass if and when she arrives. Trust me, Ponderosa will make Dangrayne look like a country club as the boys will have to pull RC off of Abi. She will beat that Brazilian ass like a drum. Multinational Catfight!!!

    Having said that, I still hope Abi can get some players to turn with the presumption that they should take a crazy girl to the final. Abi also deserves our incredible thanks for her massive flaunting of her Alliance of Three with her Alliance of Five. “You do as I say Lisa bi-atch. Fourth is pretty damn good for a middle aged, wrinkled up woman like you.” “Skupin, you shithead! Come here and lick the sand off your Master’s feet!” Can you imagine how boring this could have been if the Tandang Three actually had social skills and had Lisa and Skupin thinking they were in the middle of the Tandang totem pole? It would be last season all over when ChaCha and Jugs drank Handlebar and Prune’s Kool-aid not to mention the Boston Rob Tea Party.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Yours Truly, you had me spitting up my tequila with your comment “Abi is well trained untieing the knots in her string bikinis in dark rooms with her hands tied behind her back. She wins!” Are you saying Latin girls are easy? I certainly hope so.

    For all you reformed Abi-haters, is coming over to the dark side really a subliminal reference to switching from breast meat to the almighty booty?

    Colette, I have to say the photo in your last post of the real Shakira dry-humping a speaker was awesome. In fact, all your Shakira videos are awesome. Just sayin’.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's more about the Shakira gifs in Colette's blog than Abi.

      Delete
  18. Great blog once again Miss Lala. I was cheering for Abi to win, I know it kinda happens every season but it is always great seeing someone in Abi's position win and survive yet a few more days at the minimum.
    I liked Penner this season, but like yourself would like to see three newbies in the final 3 or finger crossed it could even be a final 2. Have fun in LA!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Great blog, Colette. Your blogs have taken my survivor watching/appreciation to a whole new level.

    Is there any sort of corroboration that the camera people/producers/etc. "help" the contestants? A few have speculated that Abi could not thought up the scheme to mislead the tribe into thinking she had the idol, and that she is too much of a hothead to have kept her money back. Those comments strike a chord. Is there any evidence that this has happened in the past?

    (The one journalist who allegedly picked out Gary Hogeboom on her own is who perked up my antennae. Danielle? I'm a Cowboys fan and couldn't have picked him out of a lineup.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd be seriously surprised if there were any coaching. Leaving aside that it would destroy the franchise, how precisely is it supposed to happen? Teaching Abi to impersonate a human being is not something you could achieve in a quick 30 seconds while the other contestants were distracted. Even getting Abi to shut up long enough to let you explain the problem would take longer than 30 seconds. How are you going to organise a longer training session?

      And would you, as a secret Survivor coach, trust Abi not to get pissed off and give away your secret?

      Delete
    2. Here's a theory. Perhaps the recent seasons that have gone horribly gone limp, triggered the Survivor production team to consider an act of desperation. Abi is actually a professional actress who was planted to disrupt strong alliances, create havoc and ensure interesting tribal councils. Why do most people leave their homes many miles away to move to L.A? To become an actress!

      If "they" can assassinate a popular President in broad daylight in front of hundreds, "they" can certainly pull this off. Or applying Occam's Razor, Abi is simply one crazy and surprising bitch.

      Delete
    3. I don't know if they have changed the "rules" recently or not but if you watched Skupin's season there is 100% proof that NO ONE can interfere, or interject ANYTHING into the game. He passed out and fell into the fire severely burning his hands. They showed the skin melted (hence Lala's nickname for him) and hanging off his hands. It was very heart wrenching and at the time I think everyone was in such shock that out of all the cameramen standing around all they did was keep taping and no one helped him. He could have died/burned to death.

      Dimple's said after it happened that according to Survivor "rules" no one is allowed to "help" anyone or interfere in any way, whether it is life threatening or not.

      I found it rather strange that Abi came up with that whole plan on her own too.

      Delete
  20. Well. So this is what its like to be deaf.
    I just couldnt take it anymore. 30 seconds into survivor this week, and Nazi-bitch-queen comes on.(and maybe she IS a Nazi. I seem to remember that a lot of actual, you know, Nazis, came over to South America in the late 40's. Is she a descendant? Maybe all other people are like, jews, as far as she's concerned?) So anyhoo, that total cunt Abi starts talking, and I feel this incredibly irresistable urge to thrust my brothers drumsticks (john beats the skins like you wouldnt believe)through my eardrums. It was like when I lost my virginity - brief pain, and then the ecstasy (of silence).
    Lala, I love you, but I still can't believe you defend this bitch-queen from hell. Yes, its good tv. so what. Fuck her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nazi and cunt? Wow. You know it's just a TV show, right?

      Calm down. Take a xanax.

      Delete
    2. I know, Colette, i'm not freakin or anything. I know its tv (I did say it was good tv). its my favorite show.And you're still my favorite blogger. but abi went on a reality show, so she should have been prepared to be judged. like she cares what I think. Sorry, i just don't care for shallow vacuous twits.
      and I prefer ambien and cab-sav to xanax :)

      Delete
  21. Check out this video of Abi. It kind of says it all. I find her words a little amusing after her bawling in Malcolm's arms the other day at tree mail. And when she says how mean they were to her at tribal council. It's the typical pot calling the kettle black.

    As much as I despise Abi's personality no one else causes any drama so if she goes home then basically we have a pretty boring show. I absolutely do NOT want her to win or even go to the final 3. Maybe final 4 so the show stays interesting then they can kick her ass to the curb where she belongs.

    http://www.cbs.com/shows/survivor/video/78AFZqDkis1DDYc4sLXz_nd7Zw9b_qDG/survivor-philippines-i-have-no-sympathy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is from an old episode. I remember that challenge distinctly - it was a Reward Challenge. Melty was embarrassingly awful in it. I'm not sure what you're trying to point out with this video, but I agree with pretty much everything she's saying.

      Delete
    2. I just found it funny her saying she had no sympathy for anyone in this game and she didn't come here to make friends. Then when they were honest with her at tribal council she got upset and said they were brutal. She was crying in Malcolm's arms the next morning at tree mail saying again that they were all so mean to her at tribal council.

      She has been so mean and nasty to everyone and when people try to talk to her in a calm voice she just keeps cutting them off and gets even nastier. Typical pot calling the kettle black. She can be rude, mean and nasty but when someone else says something to her she claims they are brutal.

      That's all I was trying to point out in the video. It didn't have anything to do with what she was saying about Skupin slowing them down.

      Delete
  22. I came across this video of them naming the merged tribe. I wonder why they cut this out of the show. And for all you RC lovers, she is in her sexy leopard bikini while talking to the camera.

    http://www.cbs.com/shows/survivor/video/yU16eZqXHJcLkhKi1zmWJ5_A830Ii3cG/survivor-philippines-secret-scene-rc

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is this the FuckingRayne thing? Scurvy talked about the naming of the tribe on Twitter back when DangRayne was first revealed. CBS told them when they were naming the tribe that FuckingRayne would never make it past the censors. That's probably why they didn't air it.

      Delete
    2. No this is them painting the flag and naming it Dangrayne.

      Delete
  23. LaLa Fan Club PresidenteDecember 9, 2012 at 9:04 AM

    Dearest LaLa,
    Survivor without your follow-up is bland and makes me want to vote myself off the island. Are you unwell? Out of gin? Or gone Skupin on us? We await your fabulous return.

    The LaLa fan club has almost completed its curly straw drive. We will then be off to find our own statue peeing mojitos and will send you the GPS coordinates to join us. Be sure your GPS (Gin Penis Statue)locator is well stocked with batteries.

    Glitterless without you,
    Your biggest fan and Humble Presidente

    ReplyDelete