Friday, November 16, 2012

The Proverbial Poop

The great female philosopher, Elaine Benes, once said, "Alright, alright, look - I don't have grace, I don't want grace... I don't even say grace, OK?" And I couldn't agree more. Grace is one of those made up things that you hear about once in a while in passing. You know someone somewhere must have used it in a sentence, but you can't remember when. Surely you've read the word before. Perhaps in an unsolicited leaflet rolled up and tucked under your doorknob. Or maybe you encountered it at an awkward meal when the host forced everyone to bow their heads and pray just as the waiter was bringing out the food. Look, all grace does is make people uncomfortable. It sounds lovely and peaceful and all that crap, but you can't touch it, you can't drink it and you certainly can't go to bed and get freaky with it. So why, in a cutthroat game for a million dollars ($18.32 after taxes if you ask Jeff Kent), are we looking for grace on a deserted island? Let's recap, shall we?

Once again we find ourselves underneath that infernal moon. Globular, cheesy, forewarning. That moon, that orb, it knows too much. Oblivious to the omnipotent moon is our Tribal Court Jester, Melty (Michael), running hither and thither getting his ribbons entangled in the bells on his slippers. Carefree and careless, this running joke is beside himself. He's safe! He's still here! Now watch him juggle fire. Paging Ramona... Paging Doogie... bring the burn kit.

What Melty doesn't realize, as he continues running up and down the beach giggling in time to the jingling of his shoes, is that Shakira (Abi-Maria) is staring at him with her chin lowered and her hips on mute.
"Oye, Melty! Siéntate! Gracias for voting for me. Puta!"
"Oooh puta... is that what you put in the rice and beans last night? Me doth thinks milady should prepare more of that yummy sustenance tonight." *bows at Shakira's feet while unfurling his feathered cap*
"He didn't vote for you Shakira. I, Scurvy (Penner), did."

The scene suddenly goes silent as Shakira says nothing. Nunca. Nada. Instead, she leans over into the mud and begins to smear scary little warpaint lines on her face. Now, I can't be 100% sure, but I don't think Melty is getting his Puta Rice & Beans tonight. I'm thinking something more along the lines of Blackened Fedora con Salsa.

With Shakira busy extracting mescaline from the peyote cactus for Melty's dinner, Blair (Lisa) stands visibly shaken from the last Tribal Council. Our gilded hunky Golden Boy (Malcolm) walks by and asks, "You ok?" Blair replies, "Oh thank you Golden Boy! Thank you!" She wraps him in a bear hug and apologizes for playing the game. Her grip on him tightens as she tells him that she made a big move and it backfired on her. Golden Boy replies, "It's cool. It's fine." This wasn't just any "cool" or any "fine" though. This was a graceful cool and a merciful fine. Scratch that. An amazingly graceful cool and a bounteously merciful fine. Golden Boy, and myself, were a tad confused by the outpouring of unbridled passion from Blair, but then it hit me. It's dark, there's a moon, a beach, waves uncurling on the shore, a jester off in the distance somewhere playing a harp... not to mention the strapping lad just standing there. Grace! I have finally witnessed this fabled grace I have always heard so much about. It is Golden Boy in the moonlight stroking his facial hair and it is beautiful.

As light breaks, so does a new day at Migrayne (Dangrayne). The village residents sit wiping the sleep from their eyes while Scurvy does a roll call in his head. He counts 2 Christians, 3 bullys, 1 Doctor, 1 forlorn chapeaued poet, and 1 hot piece of ass. If you add those all up, it means that Scurvy is in trouble at the next Tribal Council unless he starts searching for cracks. And since Blair's fragile outer shell is cracking more and more everyday, he decides to hone in on her. Better yet, he massages that one very sensitive part of her. Oh get your heads out of the gutter you pervs. He's massaging her insecurity. That part of her that tries to please everyone while at the same time makes her question herself. I'll hand it to him for delivering a masterful speech about how her life must have been so difficult having to provide, please, feed, clothe, shelter everyone, and be in episodes with that scene stealing Mackenzie Astin in season 8. It couldn't have been easy for her.

To a professional tabloid reader and avid TV watcher such as myself, I was not as easily swept off my feet as Blair was. Scurvy's speech sounded to me like he was quoting a Corey Feldman interview from 1992. I also think he peppered it with some excerpts from Little Girl Lost by Drew Barrymore. What can I say? He was prepared. He came locked and loaded with the annals of the Macaulay Culkin, Alyssa Milano, Tina Yothers and Jodi Sweetin episodes of E! True Hollywood Stories. All of those things combined spoke to Blair in a way that no other Migraynian could.

And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge, you will compete as two teams. One person from each team will crawl through muddy water looking for a bag of balls. Once you've dropped your bag of balls on the table, the next person goes. After collecting all four bags, you will shoot the balls into the basket. First team to twelve balls wins. Wanna know what you're playing for? You're going to take pencils and crayons to a native village and in exchange they'll cook you more food than they see in a year. Sounds fun!

Now, I don't know a lot about The Philippines, but I do know they have a kick ass prison that likes to dance. Survivor totally missed an opportunity here. They should have sent the winning team to the prison for a dinner and a show. Heyyyyy sexy lady...

Speaking of sexy ladies, my little crumpet Shakira was not picked by either team to compete and I can't for the life of me figure out why.

For the Yellow team, we have: Melty, Blackbeard (Artis), Blair and Prickly Pete.
For the Red team, we have: Golden Boy, Jell-O Pop (Carter), Dr. Denise and Scurvy.

Survivors ready, go! If you don't mind, I'm going to kind of cruise through this. Without my Shakira competing and hiding razor blades in the opposing team's mud pit, I've lost all interest. Basically, Scurvy went first and stockpiled all the balls for the rest of his team. One by one, they collected the balls while the other team sunk like elephants in quicksand. And wouldn't you know it, Golden Boy is the Michael Jordan of the intramural Southern California bartender scene and voila! RED TEAM WINS REWARD!!!

And off to the Reward we go skipping. As we arrive, a gaggle of children burst forth to embrace the weirdo white people strolling in like gods carrying hula hoops as their parents stand off in the corner mumbling to one another, "Why the hell do we have to cook for these fatsos? Couldn't they have brought Sprint phones instead?"

And Scurvy, being Scurvy and never passing up a moment to mucky muck with the camera or narrate something, wandered off to confuse some children while tap dancing to his own Scurvy Show.
"My name is Jonathan."
"In America, my name is Normal."
"Hi Normal, nice to meet you."
"No, my name isn't Normal. It's just normal."
"Yeah, that's what we said. Hi Normal."
"Hey, let's play pinata! But first, let me pretend like I'm going to beat you with this baseball bat."
"Mommy, why couldn't we have gotten 7-Up instead?"

Meanwhile, the giggling and merriment of the children is infecting our Golden Boy and has quite possibly ruined him for the rest of time. The gaiety and romping and cavorting and whatever the hell else kids do has seeped into Golden Boy's blood and made him question his life's work of serving girls like me bottomless goblets of liquor. This is like the worst Reward ever!

Back at Migrayne, Melty is running up and down the beach trying to catch a moving cloud while Prickly Pete sits on a log sulking and feeling demoralized and impotent. Listening to the squeals of the tribe clown on the wind, Pete grimaces and bemoans the irony of actually having to work with Melty now. With a sad slump in his shoulders, he reluctantly accepts that the man now playing hide-and-seek with a clam is the one who brings Fandango (Tandang) back to a majority. From this point forward, the order of the day is to make all the Fandangos feel comfortable and loved. To bring them in one by one for a cuddle. To whisper and coo and tickle and tease. To fluff their pillows and play with their hair...

"Hopefully you're not going to be a double agent again, Blair. You're not supposed to bring information from our side to them!" *giggles and claps* (Yes! Shakira time!) Look, Shakira has a point. If I was on a tribe with Blair and she pulled those sneaky shenanigans in an effort to save a returning player who regularly attaches crabs to his nipples, I'd be pretty pissed off too. One could sit and look at Shakira as someone who has no filter and could quite possibly set the camp shelter aflame in a fleeting moment of anger. OR you can see her for the jingly miracle she is and admire her unequivocal and refreshing honesty. To me, she's like an effervescent spritzer with a twist of lime on a hot summer day. She's a velvet blanket when someone "accidentally" slips you Ecstasy. Whenever Shakira enters the scene, my cupeth overfloweth with delight. Blair may not like to lie, but Shakira physically can't lie and it's glorious. Go ahead. Test her.

"Shakira, do these pants make my ass look big?"
"You have pants on? I thought your giant ass ate them."

"Shakira, did you drink my last bottle of wine?"
"Yes, and it was crap. Don't ever buy that brand again!"

Plus, she occasionally likes to hump inanimate objects. Whether she's knocking out girls in leopard bikinis with her hips or telling you to your face how naive and gullible you are, Shakira is a Survivor gift to be treasured and appreciated. When you have the Scurvys of the world blowing smoke up someone's ass with saccharine lies and ooey gooey phony whispers, be thankful that there is at least one person out there not afraid to tell you how much you suck.

Now, not everyone out there is as in awe of the fork-tongued Shaki as I am. Blair, for instance, thinks she is terrible and would love to leap into the arms of the KrabKlaws (Kalabaw) the first chance she gets. The problem is that last Tribal Council. You remember the one. The one where Blair went to the ends of the earth to keep that somersaulting sand eating Melty in the game. If she flip-flops again this week, no one will ever trust her and she'll always be last on the totem pole. And, let's face it, even though Golden Boy forgave her on the surface for tattling about his Idol, you know he still has some resentment deep down inside. It is unfortunate that Blair has gotten herself into quite a pickle this week. And all for Melty! Who does that?!

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's challenge you will each balance an oversized paddle on a stand. You will then roll balls down your paddle and try to balance six at once. It's ballerific. It's balltastic. Balls, balls, balls. Survivors ready, go!

All of the Survivors stand with their paddles and the balls, they go a' plopping. Plop, plop, plop. Drop, drop, drop. Yes, balls are dropping. Typically, Dimples has some cheeky ball-sy comments whenever we have a ball challenge, but today he is surprisingly free of ballisms. Perhaps it is the black shirt he is wearing. I find when Dimples wears shirts in the lapis family does he have more ball-centric jokes rolling off his tongue. Nevertheless! This is a serious challenge for Immunity and we must make sure that pesky Scurvy doesn't win.

Tiny whippet Shakira is trying her best, but I think the paddle weighs more than she does. Blair seems to be hurling the balls in anger down her paddle while Blackbeard keeps flitting his eyes to everyone else's paddle but his own. Weirdly enough, it is Melty that excels at balancing his balls. Melty and Prickly Pete. Pete's success can be attributed to his desperate need to save face while Melty's can be attributed to the other day when he was standing on one leg on a log balancing sea urchins on the end of his nose. Who knew his Court Jester training would actually pay off? And pay off it does because... MELTY WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at Migrayne the mood is mixed. Shakira is annoyed she can't start the whole game over without Melty while Melty won't shut up about how great it feels to win something rather than melt something. Meanwhile, Scurvy is busy doing number calculations under his fedora trying to figure out a way he can stay in the game. This should be a no brainer. This should be a lazy day at camp while Scurvy prepares for the inevitable. This should be easy breezy Cover Girl. It is Yellow v. Red. Fandango v. KrabKlaw. Capulet v. Montague. Giudice v. Gorga. Whichever side with the most numbers wins, but noooooo. Nothing is ever that simple.

Plus, someone gave Shakira something heavy to bang against a tree and that probably wasn't the brightest of ideas. I love Shakira to the ends of the earth, but don't let her near sharp objects, bottles of poison, loaded guns, or unopened coconuts. A seemingly innocent siesta in the sand could turn into your head getting bludgeoned with a giant fruit.

Allow me to recap the best scene ever in the history of Survivor. So, Melty is all heady with his Immunity victory. He is full of smiles and an uplifting tickling in his tummy that he hasn't felt since he swallowed those butterflies for fun the other day. And then we have Shakira, who hates Melty. Her bones ache with a deep loathing whenever she sets eyes on him. To make matters worse, she can't vote him out and she actually has to work with him. Of all the vile conundrums to be trapped in! But maybe, just maybe, she can maim him for shits and giggles since she can't vote him out just yet. Yes, that's it! Under the guise of trying to open a giant coconut with a machete and a tree trunk, she'll aim the coconut just so, calculate the trajectory, and with all the power she can muster... PLONK! She'll shoot that coconut right into Melty's head! Score! While at home I cracked up and snorted gin out of my nose, I also wondered if maybe the head trauma jostled something loose in Melty's noggin. I mean, something else loose. We already know his cogs and wheels and pulleys are all a little rusty already.

So with Melty soaking his head in the camp outhouse, Dr. Denise meets with Jell-O Pop and Golden Boy to go over scenarios for Tribal Council. She wonders if Shakira would ever be unselfish enough to use her Idol in order to protect someone else on her own tribe. Someone like Prickly Pete maybe. Or wait, here's a thought. What about voting out Blackbeard? No way would Shakira share her Idol with him since he is kind of always on the fringe and never in the thick of anything. The three decide it's a crackerjack plan, but it ultimately depends on Melty and Blair. If they can't nail down one of them, then Scurvy is going home.

Speaking of Scurvy, Scurvy is speaking again. Always, forever, eternally speaking. He is a storyteller you know. And in case you didn't know that, he declares, "I'm a storyteller. That's what I do!" Where? Where do you tell these stories Scurvy? At the public library on Friday afternoons for a group of snot nosed little brats? Or is it just for our benefit, for the CBS cameras. Unfortunately for Blair, she now sits in a tepid pool of Scurvy's pee water forced to listen to another one of Scurvy's "stories". What is interesting about this current story is that it is about us. Us! The audience. You see, Scurvy thinks that we want to see good triumph over evil. We want the fair maidens to slide into victory with their Christian values and loyalty. And we especially want redemption from our past favorites. We want to see bags of money thrown in their faces for being cast and recast on our favorite reality show. Yes, this is what we, sitting at home - Survivor connoisseurs that we are - pine for.

*pause for extensive eye rolling*

No, no and no! We want backstabbing and scheming and girls hurling coconuts at people. We want lies and yelling and hair pulling. Mischief and chaos. Unfamiliar faces. Anarchy and pestilence. We want your Rewards taken away, don't you get it?! Bony starving people with concave tummies and yellowing eyes, that's what we want! Hell, if we had it our way, it would rain everyday and your rice would mold along with your skins. Green putrid skins. So while your little story sounds simply charming, Scurvy, it couldn't be further from the truth. It is nothing more than a silly fairy tale. Even Blair, who is as sweet as can be and tries to see the goodness in everything around her, isn't falling for it. She knows Scurvy is going to say and do whatever he needs to to stay safe.

And then there's the matter of Melty. That gumball Melty. If he had it his way, he'd play to the end with Blair. Facts Of Life was his favorite show as a young lad and it would super keen neato for him to sit in the finale with the Blair Warner. Basically, the fate of everyone, not just Scurvy, hinges on how these two will vote. Blair wants to be loyal to something, anything, while Melty wonders which side he can go further with. The issue of who he can go further with is inconsequential since he would be on the bottom of both totem poles. The question he should ask and the one he's not asking is: Who can I win against? Does he have a better chance winning against Golden Boy, Denise and Scurvy or Shakira, Prickly Pete and Blackbeard? The answer is crystal clear to me, but is anything ever crystal clear to Melty?

And this brings us to Tribal Council. Immediately, Dimples brings up the last Tribal Council, the one where everyone showed off their Immunity Idols and called each another out. Blair replies that the fallout for her was internal more than external. She wrestled with all sorts of feelings and emotions only to be showered in all that shining hottie grace that leaks out of Golden Boy.

Dimples then asks Shakira if she leaked out some grace too. Shakira whips her neck over to Blair and asks, "Did I show grace to you?" Blair replies that she received more grace from the people she was working against than the people she was working for. Shakira snaps her head foreward and thins her lips. Inside her head she screamed, "I'll show you grace when we get back to camp, puta! I have a coconut named Grace waiting for you!" But on the outside she was silent. Still. Unnervingly still.

With stillness running through all of our veins, burning us from within, Blair continues. She says there is a level of maturity lacking in her own alliance. *ducks under the table* Dimples shields his face with one of his smart looking wind breakers and very cautiously points out to Shakira that she is looking a little tense. He tells her she looks like she is about to spew venom. *grabs a crucifix and makes the sign of the cross* And then Shakira does something I've never seen before. She silences the voices in her head and calmly tells Dimples that what Blair is saying is very interesting. And that's it! She doesn't bludgeon anyone with a boulder and she didn't stab Dimples in the face with the shiv she's been fashioning out of dried leaves for the past 3 days.

I suppose Dimples decides not to push things further with Shakira so he turns to Blackbeard and asks him if he is surprised that at this point in the game it is still Fandango v. KrabKlaw. And Blackbeard, a man of few words and giant hoop earrings, gives what I genuinely think was a great answer. He says he's not surprised at all. Fandango is the most kick ass tribe out there so it makes perfect sense for all of them to slide to the end together. Good on you, Blackbeard! I loved that answer because if you think back, Fandango was always the winningest tribe. And to Blackbeard it is as simple as that. Sure, they've got their interpersonal issues and Shakira might accidentally kill one of them while throwing a clam on the fire, but they've got team spirit. Yes they do!

And with that, let's just get to it. Let's get to the awful decision made by a man who wears bells on his toes and talks to fauna. It is with gritted teeth, thin lips, and an angry shaking of my head that we say goodbye to Blackbeard, the 10th person voted out of Survivor Philippines. Yes, I'm angry! Of course I'm angry! What happens to my Shakira now? And, oh Christ, another week of listening to Scurvy yap about anything and everything. Ugh!

So, what did you guys think of the episode? Did the right person go home? Did Melty make a mistake switching alliances? Will Blair jump ship next or will Shakira smother her with the carcass of a sea lion? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Next Thursday is Thanksgiving so there will be no blog as I will be climbing back on the wagon and drinking myself silly to the point where I tip over face first into a bowl of stuffing. I wish all of you a Happy Thanksgiving and I'll see you back here on Thursday, November 29th.

Thanks to Rob Beasley for my lovely Survivor photos!


  1. Hated this episode. Hated, hated, hated it!

    First we had the agonizing story of that former teen idol who was feeling oh so sad. Complete with Big Brother-ish sad acoustic guitars. Then we had the "Survivor Gives Back" portion of the show, where Penner goes on and on about how he is learning so much from these he loads a plate with half the island's food supply. Then more Penner babbling and more teen idol sadness. Just awful.

    And all this to get to where Artis goes. Meh. Who gives a shit?

  2. No the wrong person went home.Why didn't someone try to flush out the idol?Malcolm,or Abi.I know going to the end with Abi will be a guaranteed win,but why not try to get out one of the strongest most popular players,Malcolm?Artis never won anything,so why not recruit Carter,and get out Malcolm?Malcolm was a bigger threat than Artis. Skupin should have stuck with his tribe,because Penner is such a great player,I can't see him turning on his original alliance. Lisa will stay with her alliance because she's too loyal.

    1. Lisa is an idiot. I LOVED this episode, and the pending downfall of Shakira, sure to wrought with vitriol and bitterness. {Rubs hands in anticipation}

      BTW, a question-how does Skakira's band stay on task with all that incredibleness happening in front of them???

  3. Can't post a blog next week because of the holiday? Are you turning into a state worker or something Colette? Jeesh. Just put it up Friday afternoon like this week. Out here in Lala-land, we want our money's worth out of what we are not paying for! Your blog is to us what gin is to you, it's the very air we breath.
    Okay, that was a little over the top. Anyway...
    Left out of the show by the editing is what should be obvious, everyone with a migrayne has realized that Blackbeard, Shakira, and Pete the Prick were in a ironclad final three and siding with them was akin to just playing for fourth or fifth. There are so many cracks in the allegiances of the remaining players they could break 4-2 along almost any lines. Someone grasping for any straw (like Melty, Blair, or Scruvy) could at least see a thread of hope to get to the end game which doesn't exist with the gang of three.
    And seeing you had a rough day yesterday, I won't rise to the bait with regards to the coconut slinger. I'll just say you could sell me a rusted out '83 Buick easier than you could Shakira at any price, but i suspect other commenters will have more to say so I'll stop there. Though why teams would rather have Blair in a physical competition than Abi does speak volumes....

    1. "Though why teams would rather have Blair in a physical competition than Abi does speak volumes...."

      Yep - Colette is so blind with love for this wretched Abi creature - all because she said a couple nice things about this blog months ago - that Colette can't figure out that the reason nobody chose Abi for the challenge is because NOBODY CAN STAND HER because she's such an irrational, miserable, ugly person.

      But she said some giggly nice thing about Colette's blog once, so now, not only does Colette love her, she can't figure out why nobody wants to pick Abi to be anywhere near them.

    2. Calm down. It's just a blog. Abi makes me laugh. I don't know why that upsets you so much.

    3. The part "Shakira was not picked by either team to compete and I can't for the life of me figure out why. ", I read it with a coat of sarcasm. maybe, just maybe, it's meant to be read that way.


    4. Yes, hks. You got it. Hence the "I'm crazy and you like it" gif.

  4. Hey Jack! Yeah you! The previous comment! Since next Wednesday is Thanksgiving Eve Survivor may be airing a clip show. Ever think of that? Huh, dipshit? Mind your manners and apologize to Ms. Lala for your rudeness.

  5. Sorry Lala, but I fall far short of your admiration for Shakira. Sure, I find her blatancy and Latina fire to be refreshing, but she's just a VILE person! If she stared me down the same way that she did to Blair last night, I seriously would have slugged her "face of an angel". I can't stand her! (But please, PLEASE don't tell her though, or I'll fear for my life!)

    I actually give Melty a lot of credit for his move. I expected him to just do whatever Blair told him throughout the rest of the game, but last night he proved me wrong! He showed us last night both that he has balls and that he is good at balancing them! Not only was his move gutsy, but it was also the correct one to make. The Evil Three, once having sufficient numbers, would definitely have voted off Melty and Blair without a second guess. Instead, we're now likely to see an interesting final six with two Fandangos (Melty and Blair), two Krabklaws (Scurvy and Jello Pop), and two Messings (Golden Boy and Denise). Again, I applaud Melty's move.

    Happy Thanksgiving Lala! (And PLEASE, I remind you, don't tell Shakira!)


  6. I still enjoyed the episode and thanks Lala for another great recap of events.

    Scurvey's therapy sessions with Blair on how cruel childhood stardom is and the mess it turns you into, was Penner at his greatest, he is such a experienced player and knows how much to feed them before they switch, I'm sure with the help of Melty in coming weeks Blair will become less loyal.

    I am somewhat of a fan of Abi's but her comments and her priceless facials are just that fantastic, but maybe she needs to think before speaking.

    If Prickly Pete was the mastermind he self claims to be, he would have had some little idea that if anyone was to vote against Tandang it would have been Melty and not Blair, but ol' Prickly is far from what he confesses to be.

    Speaking of Blackbeard, if anyone gets the chance to see his confessional the day after or his arrival at Ponderosa, you just would not believe it is the same person that just played 24 days of Survivor.

    If I can just add one more thing, I am totally disappointed with the comment above made by Jack, how could you even be so rude in writing that. I am assuming Miss Lala has a life beyond recapping and needs some Glitter time to her friends and family on Thanksgiving. So look forward to your next entry on 11/29.

    There is also a new episode on Thanksgiving Day, already a new Web Promo out and about.

  7. haahaha gg penner survives! that pee water joke was great tho. i could imagine that kind of stuff with penner haaha.. ahhh man u so mad lala u so mad lol.

  8. Usually love your blog, but your love for the evil, disgusting Abi - all because she uttered some kind words about your blog months ago - is just absurd.

    You don't have to be some journalist of towering objectivity and integrity - I get that this is a side thing - but you also don't have to become some mindless worshiper and defender of every horrible Survivor contestant just because they pay you a little positive attention.

    Abi is the kind of player whom you would normally eviscerate on any other season - but because she said a nice thing about you or two on Twitter, now your whole commentary is geared to venerating her.

    1. The first time Abi has ever said anything about my blog on Twitter was yesterday. And I don't blindly worship her. She makes me laugh and she is incredibly easy to create stories for - like Malcolm. I gravitate towards people who are interesting and fun to write about. I'm sorry if that disappoints you.

    2. I absolutely understand what Lala is trying to say. I find it hard to possess genuine disgust/hatred for people like Abi. They are just characters, caricatures and exaggerated personalities of who they really are outside the game. so, do not let judgement get in the way too much and enjoy the serendipitous satisfaction that gems like Abi bring to our enjoyment of survivor - hilarious, over the top drama that entertains our otherwise mundane day to day lives!

      It's true. i thought abi was a wannabe bitch but she does it so effortlessly (sealed the deal this week with the coconut) and unassumingly that this role the editors have given her fit like a hand in a glove. Plus, she is an absolute sweetheart on the social networking platforms. I do love the contrasting portrayal of herself. after all, aren't we all creatures of contradiction? :)


  9. Sheesh….Blair, I don’t care about your tragic/blessed life. You are your own worst enemy and all this lame grace and nice stuff is not working for you. When LocoLady said you were naïve etc, why didn’t you tell her to eff off? GD it! Opps…Gosh darn it. And lookie there….ya lost your buddy Melty ‘cause he voted to cripple the tribe you love so much and who hate you. Hey Blair! EVERYONE is playing you for a fool and then all you talk about is how gracious they are? Your choice, but maybe grow a pair and take off those rose colored glasses for an episode or two. But you may be gone before that happens. I won’t miss you.
    And Penner? Gag….disingenuous to a tee. How embarrassing to watch him try all that crap on Blair. I was a fan of his before those two scenes.
    Perfecting the art of FBR (flying below the radar) is Dr Denise, Malcolm and Carter. Really, besides bad hair, can anyone say anything negative about them? They seem to just orbit the camp and land just when the vote. Melty…unpredictable as always. Not sure why Pete is disliked as his only fault seems to be his occupation…no one likes engineers….but obviously the dislike is due to his allegiance to LocoLady and his engineer like inability to emotionally connect with normal people. Yep, engineers and sociopaths get along just fine.
    Final three? Dr. Denise, Penner and Malcolm. My guess this week (thinking about who has the best chances of winning individual immunity going forward).

  10. Under radar we doth fly
    Le poet, brooding
    Le surfer, high

    Thoughts of suicide
    Long forgotten
    After lovely blindside
    Of pirate rotten!

    What chance a schizo
    Half Byronic, half moronic
    Will dance the final calypso?

    O to win the million!
    O to buy a new board
    O to buy a new beret
    O to screw that loco Brazilian!

    The dude and I

    Rhyming and joking
    In a drunken state
    Brooding and toking
    All the way to Hell's Gate!

    1. Methinks you just won a Pulizer!

    2. *throws roses onstage* Bravo! Your best creation yet.

    3. Thanks Peach. Your name reminds me of this song:

      It's a terrific song. Therefore you must be a terrific person, n'est-ce pas?

      As for you Lala, I've examined your reply backwards and forwards and can find neither facetiousness nor sarcasm. It appears to be a straightforward compliment. Are you feeling all right bitch? Were you struck on the head by a coconut lately?

    4. I am regularly banged on the head by large balls, M.

  11. 3 things:

    I'm loving this season.

    I fucking love Abi-Maria. I find myself fantasising about having furious, screaming arguments with her and then having the most intense make up sex ever. Dear God, I want her in front of that jury.

    Fantastic blog this week. I particularly enjoyed the Melty/jester depiction, and the recap of the coconut assault, which I too snorted alcohol from my nose upon witnessing.

  12. See folks, it was worth the wait! As always!

    Now, my thoughts about Shakira? No comment! I really don't have to go into the witness protection program for my safety. Hell, it's ran by government workers, and we all know how badly they fuck shit up!

    People hate Pete because he's an engineer? Really? Hell, I thought it was because he's a total jerk-off. Not in a good way!

    Be careful in your fall off the wagon dear Colette, as we age our bones get weaker and more brittle. Enjoy the day as you stuff yourself with turkey & dressing and wash it down with large tumblers of gin! Happy Thanksgiving darlin!

  13. I'd comment on Abi as well, but I have family in the United States.

  14. I'll be the first to put it out there: 20 bucks by paypal LaLa if I see a Survivor blog in time to help me digest my sister's version of Thanksgiving dinner.

  15. Madam LaLa, I thank you for having produced another (literally, in this week's case) LOL-worthy commentary on what is shaping up to be the most batshit-crazy and unpredictable season of this program in ages. I'm still on the fence when it comes to Shakira (she makes for great TV, but she's a despicable grump, yet maybe it's her strategy to make it to the end, although why nobody thought to flush out the idol by casting votes for Artis and her is beyond me, and does her record-breaking non-participation means she's just saving strength for a future endurance competition...? I go back and forth on her supposed brilliance as a player...), but I'm glad the last dull player is finally gone. Didn't we all expect more from Artis? He looks like a pirate, for goodness's sake!
    You're 100% dead-on about Scurvy: he gives new meaning to the word "incessant." Is he the reason why Jell-O Pop is mute? Is there simply no oxygen left for him to produce sounds?
    Ms. LaLa, if you had your druthers, against whom would you like Shakira to compete in the final three? Whom would you like her to eviscerate through hip-pummeling in her inimitable way on her way to (losing) the million dollars---I mean, $37.21, after Obama finishes with it, that is?

    1. I don't think Shakira has a puta's chance in hell of winning, but I would love to see her just annihilate the jury with insults and coconuts. My dream final three would probably be Shakira, Malcolm and Denise. I like both Golden Boy and the Doctor and I feel like they've competed well and survived against insurmountable odds. I'd be satisfied if either one won.

      If Scurvy makes it to the finale, I'll hurl a coconut at his head myself.

  16. I understand liking Shakira for entertainment value, but there is absolutely no way she wins this season. Ironically shell probably end up the final 3 for that very reason. On the other hand, I really like Penner and think hes playing a pretty good game. So yeah, his Alan Alda voice might get annoying, but I didnt watch enough MASH for it to really get to me.

    Thanks for the recap of this collective Migrayne

    1. You are most welcome, Parker.

      And I totally agree about Shakira. As much as I adore her, I'm not so disillusioned that I think she'll actually win.

  17. Well, certainly a wide range of opinions about this show. I was cheering for two in a row good stuff. The game strategy is still a mash up. Tribal loyalty can only take you so far until it's kill or be killed. Even with fewer numbers left, someone always disappears from view. Last week it was invisible Artis. I still don't know why they targeted him instead of Pete.

    Penner's vote for Abi last week was close enough to my theory with the additional information that he had no idea who anyone else was voting for. Might as well lob a grenade at the camel toe in the shade.

    Who would have guessed Melty could win that ballsy challenge? If he hadn't, we still might be waiting for a winner.

    Blair isn't having as big an impact with her actions as those that react to her brilliant ideas. I can see why Dimples has a crush on her. Devious with sensitivity. I saw a promo that she will be on his afternoon talk show on Monday.

    Pete was pretty invisible this week too and I still wonder how much damage was done to his bromance with Malcum when he found out who had the idols last week. Anything can happen with somewhat solid alliances of two in competition with similar. Abi's attitude at tribal convinced Melty he might as well move on. I don't think Abi makes it much further. I'm thinking this might be one of those rare seasons where the final two are both somewhat likeable and also deserving. Colby and Tina is the only example I can recall at this moment.

    Have a Happy Gobble and Giggle Day, bitches.

  18. Yes! Keep the real Shakira videos coming every week!

    I am also weary of the returning veterans and child stars on the show, that is all the editors/producers are showing, no wonder Artis and others are almost invisible.

    My suggestion to Dimples and the rest of the producers for future casts(you know they read this blog): Select all female contestants for a season and then do all male the next. Analyze the personality tests given to them for leadership capablilties and make sure there is not one natural leader in the cast(this almost happened this season). Let them fight it out, the women's season would be the best ever, you would not need any of the gimmicks that have ruined the show, no returning players, no hidden immunity idols, etc., just pure survivor play like the first season.

    Did anybody notice the last two castoffs were strong men as suggested by the women? The sewing circle still has a feeble heartbeat, but getting Abi to join may be problematic, she does not play by any predermined genetic code, which is why, I am sure, that our leader here likes her so much.

  19. Good recap as usual, my dear. And I too love Shakira for all the caliente she creates, what a loca! And a ratings dream for SURVIVOR(TM). She will probably appear at the last tribal council wearing a headdress and a necklace made of teeth and curse everyone while she cuts the neck of a pollo and drinks the blood out of a gourd bowl. Fun times

    I think Denise made sense in assuming that if Shakira or Pete thought one or the other was being targeted, the idol would save him or her. So, let's get Artis out of the way. Now the numbers game has switched and I suspect the idol will be played at the next council.

  20. I think Melty's decision was great for him. He wasn't playing to go farther; but to win. Here's how it works.
    Anyone sitting in the final three with Shakira and Pete will likely WIN.
    Anybody sitting in the final three with Malcolm or Denise will likely LOSE (except for Blair maybe).
    So Melty's vote to get rid of Artis opened up a slot in the final three with Shakira and Pete, who will now be desperate to save themselves, since they are now down in numbers. If Blair and Melty offer to form a Final 4 with them to get rid of the others, Melty can most probably beat all of them in the Final 4 immunity challenge, get rid of Blair who is so likeable and would win in front of a jury, and then, Melty wins the million!

  21. Can't stand the devil woman Abi. Hope she gets put on the road soon.

  22. Can't wait to see Shakira's reaction to losing a core member of her alliance. Let the paranoya reign! My opinion is they should get rid of Blair next. The horrible 4 is then down to two, and they can pick them off in order. They could flush out Shakira's idol this time too by letting it slip she's next. And Shakira would never save Blair.

    So now we have five, and Scurvy and Melty go next, leaving the final three. unless one of them decides to eliminate the other, I like that three and still think Denise will win it all. Everyone likes her and she kicks ass at challenges.

    I too will toss $20 at you, Lala, if you do a writeup this week. :)

  23. I usually find your blogs funny and entertaining, but this obsession with a not very interesting, not very pleasant, not very entertaining (at least not in any fun or exciting way) and not even especially pretty character of Abe Maria makes your blog less so.
    It's your blog, and you don't have to be objective in your likes and dislikes, but it seems that the quality suffers. As if Abi Maria punctured the balloon of your imagination, and now the fun and wittiness seep out of it. Just saying.
    Sorry for not so pleasant comments, especially since I usually enjoy your blogs.

  24. Abi is DISGUSTING! Lala, your blogs have become worthless piles of drivel ever since you became obsessed with that Brazilian piece of filth! Your imagination has been punctured by the skewer of her Twitter admiration. You sicken me. Just sayin'

    The only person I like is Dr. Denise, because she reminds me of my own sex therapist. If you're reading this Dr. Denise, I would like a second opinion - my therapist says I need to get laid more often, what do you think?

    1. Oh just stop it. I've read this blog for a long time and this season its just as entertaining and hilarious with or without abi love. shes a character in this stroy and one that you couldnt create if you tried.

      while lala's taking the week off, may i suggest a recap made with legos for this week? mike skupin tweeted about it, i dont know the link but look it up, its worth it for lego abi and her wine bottle.

  25. Hope you had a Happy Thanxgiving and enjoyed your day off from blogging but man this was one of the best tribal councils EVER and a bad week for you to go on strike! (pun intended) Could you find it in your heart to maybe put up a new thingy for comments from your devoted fellow bitchsters. Much appreciated. I'm sure everyone is dieing to comment about this weeks episode and tribal smackdown. I understand if you don't and will look forward to next weeks blog.

  26. Poor Lala got some Abi abuse on this entry. I'll take over and state the obvious. Comment here until she returns to dazzle, sparkle, and incite riots.

    That was another good episode which I've mostly forgotten already. Things that stick in my mind have to do with perception and game play.

    I don't buy into Dimples' analysis of language or culture. That girl is one straight up beatch (not to be confused with mostly friendly bitches here). I've known, worked with, and was friends with visa workers with lesser language skills and greater cultural gaps. Not much else to say about that other than Boo Hoo, no Abi, you are not misunderstood or misread in body language, tone, or facial expressions.

    From the promos for this week I've been seeing, she was preserved to be the next game changer. I still doubt it.

    As far as strategy goes, I think the group missed another chance to force both idols into play. I didn't see anything obvious that gave Malcum the confidence to not protect himself (again). Is anyone else here loving the Six person alliance? The Denise speech will have to be proven unless nobody wants to win. Gift card to the Golden Boy, the most likely to be capable of winning immunity in challenges. Hats off to Carter who remains competitive when he's not poetic or surfing.

    This week we'll see who is finally ready to eat their own children. My inner Ms. Cleo sees Abi surviving and then my crystal ball fogs up.

  27. For what it's worth, I think you're as funny as you've ever been. Not that I share your opinion of abi - easily the most unlikeable survivor since mixon. On one level i don't get it: the only difference between abi and Laura from Samoa is religion, and i cant imagine you giving the same love to abi if she was religious as well as psychotic. Plus, your admiration of abi is bordering on that which you had for Shambo, and that seems sacrilegious.
    HOWEVER : abi iz hilarious. This season would still be good without her because its such a great cast, but her cluelessness makes it great. Also, every blogger in the the universe, including microbes on Tau Ceti, writes about how horrible she is. Noone embraces her like you. A fresh unique perspective. Keep up the good work!?

  28. Loved the tribal this week, hope Abi bites it next week. Stupid bitch. Anyway, the six should become three by:

    -releasing dumb ass Blair next, who doesn't know which way is up and can't be trusted

    -sending home threat penner then, and I assume Melty after that, leaving the three.

    Who woulda thought the two leftovers from the hopeless, worthless tribe being in the final three???